Real L Word: “The Choaches Fall Into Place”

Wow. Season two was a real choacher coaster, eh? At first I thought the only thing redeeming was going to be the obviously set up sex scenes, but, I gotta admit, it grew on me. The cast this season was MUCH more compelling as a whole, and, at times, actually genuine. (Kasey and Cori.) So, actually, I’m sad to see it end… Maybe that’s why I waited so long to watch it and recap it for you, I didn’t want it to be over… (Okay, fine I was outta town for a week, but, still…)

So here’s what happened on the Real L Word’s “The Pieces Fall Into Place”-

Over some upbeat music, Swamp Choach shaves her legs, blow dries her hair, and puts on lots of make-up as her VO tells us she hooked up with Whit because it was comfortable… But, that she’s come too far to have someone “like Whitney” mess it up… I wasn’t sure what she meant by that. Did she means with Kelsey? Or did she mean with her career? Or, her weird hair extensions?

Swampy arrives to a photo shoot for her jewelry line, “Hija.” They need to showcase their line in a look book and the model has to have a certain look. Swampy’s look, apparently… Once they have all the shots they need they’re going to present the look book to Udi, who is the guy they are hoping will like their line enough to put it up his website… As much as I make fun of Swampy and her selfish, swampy choach, she is, indeed, quite handsome. I can hear my old man now sayin’, “I wouldn’t kick her outta bed for eating crackers…”

Even if she wore this outfit.

Whit is driving around in her SUV, twiddling her dreads. Her VO tells us she regrets hooking up with Swampy. The timing is bad, and anyway, she’s on her way to LAX to pick up Jaq. My favorite! She is, by far, the hottest of all of Whit’s hook-ups. She’s flying into town just to help Whitlock with her Pants and Pumps Thowdown… Whit’s confessional mentions that with all the drama she’s had lately, it’d be nice to settle down with someone. Jaq hops in the car and Whit goes over the list of all the stuff they have to get done for the throwdown, like make little trophies, one with a small golden pump, and the other with a small golden hammer… I can’t WAIT for this. I bet it’s gonna be just as good as the cream corn wresting match at the white trash party from last season…

Francine pulls up to LAX as her VO tells us how nervous she is about seeing her mom. (Jeez, they spend more time filming at LAX than The Abbey!) Her mother, (who I thinks looks very much like Kim Jong Il, or maybe it’s just her sunglasses) talks to her in Japanese about finding a man with lots of money, bringing Fran’s baby pix, and my personal favorite-

Dear lord, PLEeeeASE let us hear those tapes… Fran’s mom was a famous Japanese singer and actor in Japan. I wish they would have cut to a scene from one of her mom’s movies. But they didn’t… Instead they check Fran’s mom into a hotel and Fran tells her she’s going to go check out the pool. She’s so nervous about coming out to her mom she calls Kristianne… She gets off the phone with Kristianne, orders two frou-frou cocktails and smokes a bunch of ciggs telling the camera man she’s just gonna have to bite the bullet. Her confessional tells us that her “poor mother doesn’t even know what’s going on.” It makes me wonder then what she told her mom the cameras were for… They keep us hanging and end the scene with Fran’s head on the table, her VO claiming she “can’t do this.”

Rachel shows up to the therapist appointment that Whit helped her make and is helping to pay for… The session seems a little forced at first and they talk over each other but eventually Rachel breaks down and the therapist seems like she’s actually listening. They talk about how Rachel lost her dad who was actually supportive of her being gay. Her mom is homophobic and the therapist tells her she’s escaping everything with alcohol and Klonopin… After the session, Rachel feels like this is a “leap in the right direction.” This makes me happy for her and almost makes me forget about her masturbation scene from earlier in the season…

Cori and Kasey practice shooting faux sperm with the Inseminator. They are in awe at the size of the thing and end up playfully chasing each other around squirting each other in the face. Kasey ends up getting “dick smacked,” which I bet she thought would never happen to her.

Jaq and Whit are building props for Pants and Pumps. Whit thinks if they have as much fun making props as they would in a relationship, then they could really work out… Suddenly they cut to really hot shower scene and I couldn’t tell whose tattoo was whose…

Sadj is driving in her car and sets up a lunch date with Chanel… Her confessional admits that she’s had some time to figure things out and she misses “huhr.”. She meets Chanel down town for lunch and she tells her the same thing… Sadj lets a few tears loose and lets Chanel know she just wants to love her the way she deserves to be loved. She’ll even slow down a bit for her if that’s what Chanel needs. Chanel’s confessional tells us that Sadj is the first person she actually feels cares for her. THIS, btw, was the first time that I actually thought Chanel seemed to have real feelings for Sadj… Sadj asks her to be her girlfriend “all over again,” and Sadj says “yes.” Sadj’s confessional is optimistic that this time around will be better with their new slower approach…

At a florist, Kasey and Cori buy some lilies for a fertility ceremony. Lilies apparently symbolize fertility. While the florist prepares their flowers they are affectionate towards each other and Kasey slips her the tongue. Cori did not like this and she jokingly mimics Kasey’s kisses. It looked like this-

If these two get any cuter my heart is going to spring out of my head like a jack in the box!

Francine is giving her mother a tour of her house. They peruse the garden while Francine’s VO tells us she just couldn’t bring herself to tell her at the hotel, but this time she isn’t going to chicken out… After her mom refuses some sake she sits her down at her little dining room table and tells her she’s been dating girls for ten years. Her mom’s reaction was not only accepting, but really charming, you guys! Her mom said as long as she’s hard working and a good person, she doesn’t care if she’s gay. She also says something I thought was very keen, which was, not to let being gay weigh Francine down… Fran brought up Claire and in the most darling Japanese accent she tells Claire that “thata girl, really really bad,” and THAT’s something she’ll never approve of… This was a great scene. It’s this sort of thing that someone who is thinking of coming out needs to see. Reality television at it’s finest, I’d like to think… Also, I just noticed the last three screenshots are make-out pix, sort of. You’re welcome?

Cori and Kasey arrive at a beach during sunset. They’ve invited all their friends and family for their fertility ceremony… I will echo Cori’s confessional and say at first I thought it was kind of hokey and weird but by the end I was actually quite moved. They all take turns throwing their lilies into the sea. When it’s Cori’s turn, with tears in her eyes, she says, “baby, wherever you are, we’re waiting for you and we’re gonna love you so much, and so are all these people, so just come find us.” Annnnd, that’s when ol’ Birschy got all moist in the eye area, g’dang it! Kasey throws her lily in too but she also throws a rose into the mix. The rose is for them, because no matter what happens, they’re still a family. “Baby or no baby.” And then the moisture in my eyes turned to tears. What a sap I am! Even with the melodramatic music and shot of the floating lily in the sea…

Ugh. Gross. My tears quickly dried up cause it’s Claire Bear. She’s out to sushi, of course, with Vivian, and Claire’s confessional says that she thinks her and Vivian are going to get back together. Vivian pushes a tomato around with her chopstick while Claire tells her that, ” I’m having a lot of fun out here. But you and I are, you know, at an understanding place.” Vivian pauses for a sec and says “yeah, I would say that.” But she wouldn’t, and nor would anyone unless they were five years old… Claire wants to have a long distance relationship and Vivian tells her she would never have that sort of relationship, especially with Claire. Claire commands Vivian to “don’t tell me if you hook up, unless it means something.”

Then she shoves a veggie in her mouth and chews it like a squirrel.

Whit takes a few friends out to Here, including Jaq… Here, for those of us not living in LA, has a ladies’ type night on Fridays called Truck Stop… VERY classy name, right? If it’s not horribly crowded, it can kinda be entertaining due to the ladies that dance on the bar. But it’s always crowded, and you have to pay to get in. These two factors cause ol’ Birschy to relax with a stiff mojito next door at the Abbey with her best boys… Anyway, I digress. Whit and Jaq seem to be having a nice time and then SaDa shows up with her new girlfriend. They make it look like Whit is a little jealous but ANYone in their right mind would choose Jaq over SaDa… In our beloved Claire Bear’s words, “SaDa has dog face.” They also show SaDa so fucked up at one point she falls down in front of the Abbey. Which was kinda funny.

Bad dog! Down!

It’s the day of Pants v Pumps… Francine and Kristianne are making cupcakes as her confessional tells us the sense of relief she feels after having come out to her mother. Francine writes “Pants vs Pumps” in pink and blue frosting. Whit and Jaq load up the car and Jaq asks Whit if she’s ready to get her ass beat in her cute little soft spoken voice. Cori wants to know how to tie a tie and Kasey teases she won’t tell her. Cori retorts she will if Kasey wants to get her her pants. Swampy gets ready by herself in the bathroom and Kelsey peddles to the event on her bike. Sadj is by herself in her car and tells the camera man she thinks the idea of pants v pumps is hot. Claire Bear brushes her teeth and her confessional tells us she wants to have fun at today’s event despite all the shit she’s said and that she wants to “get along I don’t want these girls to hate me, you know.” Her friend Mila is coming with her “in case I need somebody that’s on my side.” Mila looks REAL tough there, Claire…

The gaybos trickle into the big house rental in Santa Monica for Pumps Vs Pants… The camera scans the yard and we see lots of little obstacle courses scattered about, along with stand up cut outs of sneakers and pumps. Claire is already yelling at somebody for thinking she should be on on “pumps.” Sadj meets someone named Chanel and her confessional tells us that HER Chanel isn’t coming cause she’s still getting comfortable around the girls, and Sadj totally respects that… Francine arrives with Kristianne. Claire Bears sees her and they ignore each other. She watches them kiss and Claire’s confessional basically says she doesn’t understand how Fran can be with someone that isn’t as attractive as she is… Sadly, Claire is too dumb and self centered to understand that ALL of us (unless you’re horribly superficial) would choose Kristianne over her. Sorry Fugly Bear, Kristianne at least seems like a good person, AND she’s a chef? MUCH more attractive than you. Chefs are hot.

Whit hops on the mic and thanks everyone for coming. She urges people to buy a whistle for the charity “Fallen Whistle.” Then

the Pumps get pumped.

 

the Pants get pantsed?

And the games begin! The first event is quite entertaining. It involves doing dishes, putting on ties and fake eye lashes. The Pants just barely win by a dread lock… Swampy and Whitlock talk about what makes Swampy a Pump and what makes Whitlock a Pant, while Kelsey looks on jealously… Swampy’s confessional tells us that when Whit is mellowed out a bit she’s “in love with the person under all of it.” Kelsey’s confessional tells us she’s having a hard time without Romi and she’ll always love her but that “sometimes a girl just wants a drink.” Which made me feel sorry for her….

Cori and Kelsey go face to face as they stand on buckets and try to push each other off with giant q-tips. Kelsey wins even despite Cori reminding her that she’s going to be the mother of her children. Whit tacks on another point for the Pants and it looks like it’s about 5 to 3, Pants in the lead… And now it’s time for what we’ve all been waiting for- wrestling with some sort of slippery food substance! This time it’s chocolate sauce, thank gawd… The first match is between real life girlfriends, Eli and Scarlett. Cori tells us “I love my wife, but that is a hot match.”

Indeed it was… Hot chocolate, I say! Kasey and Cori are so turned on that they apparently need to go to the car… Meanwhile, next up to wrestle in chocolate sauce is Whitlock and Jaq… They cut to Kasey and Cori sneaking away to the car but Kasey has forgotten the keys so they hide behind a bush and do things that only married people should do, boys and girls, ahem! (Not really.) They splice a shaking moaning bush with Jaq and Whit’s wrestling match until they both quickly come to a climax… Jaq and Whit really just end up making out in front of everyone.

 

Next thing you know you see Cori and Kasey walking back to join the party with a big shit eating grin on her face.

Then they show the ladies being hosed off. (Thank you for that.) While Whit announces the Pants as the official winners of the event…

Last season’s Rose is talking/flirting with Rachel telling her she’s always so “emo,” but that she looks good. Rachel’s confessional tells us that LA “turned out to be my saving grace.” Whit’s confessional tells us that she can already see “Rachel being more at peace with herself.”

The event is over so everybody starts to party it up. This means apparently everyone is going to dance funny and grind each other crotch to bootie style… Whit’s confessional tells us she really likes Jaq but that she lives in San Francisco. Cuuuuhrist! Whit/producers/writers of show, make up your mind!

Swampy, along with her business partner, shows up to the apartment or hotel room of chief director of loveandpride.com, armed with cork boards of their jewelry line. (Love and Pride is a website that sells jewelry that supports the gay and lesbian community.) They show him the line and he is quite impressed so he agrees to put it up on the website… Frankly the whole thing stinks to me cause I bet it was his idea in the first place…. That being said, any website that supports equality is a good thing, so at least now more people will of heard of this online community… I guess that’s why I wasn’t totally happy for Swampy when they cut back to her good times and bad times with Kelsey, then her pretending to jog in the park. As if she’s gone through this amazing transformation…

Cori and Kelsey show up to their gynos office. Cori’s confessional tells us she didn’t have a smiley face this morning on her little magic ovulating stick so they need to make sure she is ovulating… The doc sticks a condom on a prober thingy and they discover she actually is ovulating so they decide to go through with the insemination. Kasey delivers a faith themed confessional while they show us a montage of all of their moments on the show. She says “this is five years in the making of really hard work and honesty and building trust, it doesn’t just happen over night. And so it takes faith. And we have to go off the faith that (she turns to Cori) you’re going to get pregnant this time.” Laying in stirrups, Cori tells Kasey she thinks this it. Don’t jinx it, Kasey!

Sadj shows up at Chanel’s apartment, who has invited her to Jamaica. Chanel shoves all she can into a suitcase while Sadj talks to her in a Jamaican accent. Their duo confessional was kinda cute. They both essentially say that things seem to be going smoother since “there’s no inhibitions anymore… This is a situation where we’re both just completely naked in front of each other. We’re full frontal.” Sadj makes this face-

 

They get on a plane and seem happy. Good…

In the last scene of the last season, Whit is telling someone (who is out of the shot) that, “Jaq is great but we don’t have that chemistry and I’ve tried it with other girls and the fact is is that they’re not you.” Then they cut to to a big giant dog face. SaDa’s face! Hahahahahahaaaahaha! That’s rich! We see a montage of all of the bad times Whit had with SaDa and how deceitful she’s been to Whit again and again… Then they tell each other, “I love you.” Now THAT’s what you call a twist! Not really. A real twist would have been way less predictable. Like, if SaDa ended up being ghost that only Whitlock could see…

 

The end! For reals… Well, I said up top and I’ll say it again… I was actually mildly pleased with season two. Certainly a VAST improvement over the first, so looking towards next season, I’d say keep up the good work. Keep those Kaseys and Coris and scenes with various cast members coming out to their parents a comin’!

My darlings, thank you so very much for sticking with me this season. I sure did love reading what you had to say, much more than what I had to say… No more choach jokes for months!

yours and everyone else’s,

BirschTalk