DIRTY SOAP Recap: No Boys Allowed

Greetings, Gasmii! Today is that most momentous of occasions – the anniversary of the day my parents got shit faced drunk and forgot the condom my birthday! It is a “milestone” one at that. Although I am older than Abraham I am an adult, I still feel that my birthday is a magical day filled with pink ponies and fairy dust, so I have great expectations about this week’s episode of Dirty Soap. A full hour of nakey Brandon? We’ll see, Gasmii – after all, it is my special day!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!

This episode is called “The Young and the Illness.” Hmmm. . .maybe we will discover that Farah has chlamydia Brandon has a tragic skin illness that prohibits him from wearing clothing. Things are looking hopeful, Gasmii!

Kelly and Kirsten are talking about how no one in soaps wears a condom, and that when they are used, they are “defective.”

Kelly tries to redeem her lackluster wingman performance from the previous week by talking with Kirsten about Kirsten’s meeting with Farah. Kelly says the best thing to do is to lure Farah out of her den with a dead cobra, throw a net over the bitch, and toss the now enraged, netted Farah into Danny’s salon during one of his personal makeover sessions with JP.

LET THE GAMES BEGIN

Kirsten confirms that her friendship with Farah is over, and Kelly says she is glad that Farah didn’t punch Kirsten in the face. Or push her down the stairs.

WHICH IS A VERY REAL POSSIBILITY

Kelly then announces that she wishes she were Kirsten’s tampon. C’mon, Kel, that line is so 1989.

ANYONE REMEMBER SQUIDGEE-GATE?

Hope springs eternal in the pits of Hell Casa Galen, as we see Galen sprinting up the stairs with a bottle of wine, determined to give lil’ galen another grab at the golden c**k ring. He and Jenna are talking about having an impromptu affair, and it seems as if Jenna is all for it if it doesn’t involve physical contact or going out in public. Once again, lil’ galen is thrown a curve ball.

Their “affair” is a cookout. (I shall take a time out to edify you, my lovelies – and I can since it is my birthday. When you cook food on a grill or other device outside of the home, it is a COOKOUT. BARBECUE is delicious pulled pork (not beef) lovingly rubbed with spices, cooked slowly over low heat, and doused with a thin vinegar-based sauce. There is no such thing as “A barbecue” in the South.)

JP is desperately trying to grow a beard by harassing anyone who will listen with the one piece of sports trivia he accidentally heard on the radio when his car hit a ditch and flipped over from the showtunes channel to sports net.

Jenna has once again captured poor Jensen, who looks as thrilled as ever to be in her arms.

Jenna again proves her total lack of worth to humanity extraordinary mothering skills by passing a gooey Jensen off to JP and repeatedly calling him an “it” while the child looks adoringly at her.

HEY, MISTER, I’LL GIVE YOU 3 GUMMY BEARS AND A TRANSFORMER IF YOU MAKE A RUN FOR IT RIGHT NOW

Farah says that Jensen looks like he is JP’s kid, and accuses JP and Jenna of having gotten together. Hahahah! The only way that kid would ever be JP’s is if Galen has a uterus. Seeing another man in JP’s arms, Danny swoops in the claim his territory.

This should be interesting. Galen decides to have his guests play “Never have I ever.” Seems to be a theme this week, since it was also played on the last Top Chef Just Desserts, but we’ll just go with the flow here. Galen starts with “Never have I ever roped a calf,” and about two people drink, having missed the true sad cry for help this really was meaning of this remark.

The next one was “Never have I ever worn women’s panties,” and none of the women drink! Hahahah! What a bunch of skanks. Or idiots. Take your pick.

Jenna, demonstrating her extreme insecurity, says “cheated on a girlfriend or boyfriend,” and Farah guzzles that sucker like a vampire at Carrie’s prom. While Jenna glares at Farah judgmentally, Galen sneaks a drink behind her. Hahahaha – hmmmm.

The next day Brandon announces to Nadia that he is going to be modeling in Mercedes Benz Fashion Week. Nadia responds that they will be watching America’s Next Top Model, Brandon Beemer version.

NADIA, YOU IGNORANT SLUT

All together now, Gasmii – Fashion Week is PROJECT RUNWAY. That would be the most awesome prize ever – Project Runway winners get a spread in Elle Magazine Brandon Beemer. I would so be there.

Brandon protests that he is an actor, not a model. Brandon, let Mama S-Natch clue you in – you’re purty – no one is listening to a word you say.

He is concerned that he is going to be the shortest model on the runway. Nadia interviews that Brandon has no need to be insecure, and that he needs to share himself with the rest of the world. I swear, I will cut any bitch that tries to beat me to the head of that line!

Cut to another gratuitous scene of Jenna sucking as a mom. She “Jenna Cams” herself handing a mostly naked Jensen a thin blanket and repeatedly congratulating herself that the poor kid is grateful to get his binkie back after she kept it hidden for five hours in order to be the hero on film. I am sensing a pattern here. Last week, Jenna was shown holding Jensen captive while trying to get him to say he would miss her, this week he was being held captive and passed off to his gay uncle. Two weeks ago he incinerated himself in a microwave and locked himself in his room.

Also, don’t Galen and Jenna have another kid? I think the only time we have seen him is when he called Jenna out on having his dad sexing another woman on TV. Boy, that red-headed-stepchild has not seen the light of day since, has he?

I SAID NO WI-YAH HANG-AHS!!!!!!!

There the other kid is!  He is trying to kill Jenna with a Nerf gun! After about a nano-second on film, the nanny literally pushes him out of the door while Jenna baby talks Jensen into going with them. When the older kid gets upset that his toy might be lost outside, Galen goes to comfort him, only to have Jenna snap, “Daddy come back,” before Galen ever reaches him. Instead of taking the time to talk to his kid, the p***- whipped and totally delusional about ever having sex again ass dutiful husband obeys.

Jenna then proposes that the kids are getting so big (Jensen is still in training pants), and that maybe they need a little girl. Galen’s emotions are torn between lil’ galen finally getting some non-self-serve and having to watch Jenna destroy nurture another young life. Not to mention the increased time and amount of child support he will have to pay when this marriage implodes as it is on the fast track of doing.

Jenna says she wants a little mini-me and lil’ galen shrinks in terror. She also says that Galen has a mini me, and I can only assume that she means the older, dark haired child. Mystery solved.

The gang is at a soap star photo shoot. The makeup bitch asks JP to shave his beard. He emphatically says, “No. Never. I do not even trim a nose hair. Ever.” The response from makeup bitch? “I’ll go ask Farah.” This is where I have to take issue with our theory that JP is gay. He is not. He is a eunuch. His balls have been removed by every woman he has ever come into contact with. Farah. Bambi. Makeup Bitch. Even his shirt says so.

EVEN A FICTITIOUS CHARACTER HAS MORE OF MY FAMILY JEWELS THAN ME

The photo shoot is awkward because Kirsten and Farah are both there. Kirsten seems lethargic and sits alone during a break. Farah plants a seed innocently asks Nadia, “Is she sick?” referring to Kirsten, and blames Farah’s not speaking to her on the fact that Kirsten seemed to be wanting to be alone. Come on! You really expect us to believe that? The chick ain’t Greta Garbo, you know.

Farah is at Brandon and Nadia’s house when Farah again stirs the pot asks out of motherly concern about Kirsten at the photo shoot. Now, granted that Kirsten was shown slumped over and looking like she was freezing, so she could have been feverish, but Farah is the last person to I would believe is mentioning it out of concern. Her concern rings about as genuine as the pleather sofa that is cradling my fat ass right now.

Farah goes on to say that the reason Kirsten didn’t speak to her all day was not because she had the flu, but because Kirsten was unhappy with her hair and makeup. Farah says that Kirsten being a fug bitch is no reason not to speak to her, though, because she is Queen of the World.

Hey, Farah, S-Natch has another theory: Kirsten is not speaking to you because when she tried to offer an olive branch you threw her dysfunctional family in her face and stormed away. Just a guess, but you’re probably more on target with the makeup thing.

MAKES ME FEEL FLU-ISH

MY BIRTHDAY GIFT HAS ARRIVED!!! Brandon is meeting with the fashion week guy, and interviews that he had dabbled in modeling when he was younger. We are treated to some of Brandon’s modeling pics.

WHAT DID I TELL YOU, GASMII? PINK PONIES AND FAIRY DUST!

We are treated to Brandon walking up and down the showroom floor in various clothes that look really good on him, when he is informed that he is going to wear a BATHING SUIT!!!!!! Ooo – a milestone birthday In. Deed.

Jenna has taken it upon herself to go to a fertility clinic without telling Galen because she is a sneaky bitch model wife. We have previously established that I had my kids before God was born, but riddle me this, Gasmii – why in the hell would someone who has had two successful pregnancies go to a fertility clinic?

Don’t tell me to ensure a certain sex (which opens up another whole can of night crawlers if it doesn’t work and Jenna ends up stuck with another boy) – because I can do that.  I simply read a paragraph etched on a stone tablet that told the best way to get a girl and – boom – got her after two boys. Years later my by-then-ex called me and said that he and his new missus were getting ready to have a kid and asked me to remind him of how to have a boy, which I did. Boom – a boy. I am magical.

Kelly and Kirsten are on the set of GH, and Kirsten must not like that makeup either, because she is still moping around. Kelly is concerned, but never fear, Dr. S-Natch is here.

EAT. A. PIECE. OF. CAKE. STAT!

Galen proves what a camera whore supportive husband he really is and agrees to go to the fertility clinic. They are talking about doing in vitro to assure they are having a girl. Okay, is it just me, or is this making any of you angry, too, Gasmii? I mean, for Pete’s sake, thousands of women are dying to have a baby and, for them, in vitro is a possible lifeline. But these clowns want to create several embryos just so they can cull out the GENDER they want? That seems unethical on so many levels. I REALLY think Jenna is a self-centered witch now. And Galen is a putz for even entertaining this.

Newsflash: Galen, you know your marriage is in trouble when your wife is trying every way she can to have a baby with you without having SEX with you. Just a free tip from S-Natch.

JP and Brandon are in Central Park. JP talks about how chiseled Brandon is and is not flirting with Brandon. At. All.

It’s the end of the day at GH, and Kelly goes to see Kirsten in her dressing room. Kelly asks Kirsten what’s wrong. She initially denies anything is wrong but then breaks into tears and says she doesn’t want to talk about it.

Galen and Jenna go for a walk in the mountains, and Galen says that with another kid he would get to spend much less time alone in the bathroom with Jenna, and tells her he is not okay with the sexlessness invasiveness of “sperm spinning.” Jenna asks Galen if he means no more kids forever or just for now, and Galen assures her that he will be having a brood with his next wife as well. Jenna agrees and makes plans to poke holes in all of Galen’s condoms.

Nadia had joined the gang in New York for the fashion show. Nadia tells the group that they are recasting Kirsten “temporarily” on GH. Buggs filled us in on this in the comments from last week’ recap. Go, Buggs! This is why I love it when y’all fill in the gaps!

Farah interviews that she instantly got sick to her stomach because “its just the not knowing.” OMG – is Farah actually empathizing with another human being? I lost a job once because, apparently, some employers frown upon driving a pair of scissors into a co-worker’s arm. It is frightening not knowing where your next rent payment is coming from. Oh, wait. Farah is sick because she wasn’t the first to know what was going on. My bad.

Farah looks up the news about Kirsten on the Internet, and it says that Kirsten is ill and that is why she was recast. Farah feigns concern and says that she wants to talk to Kirsten. Danny, fearing that he is about lose his hag position as bestie, tells Farah that the Kirsten Farah knew was dead and that she should not be upset. Nice guy.

Farah calls Kirsten’s “future sister in law” (for reals, that’s how she was subtitled), Tiffani (she that spawned Lyric with Ashley from O-Town – thanks again, Gasmii) to make herself relevant to this story line out of pure concern for her former friend. Tiffani responds by calling Farah a crazy stalker bitch that has made her hatred for Kirsten clear. Bravo, Tiff! I officially forgive you for sticking your poor kid with a name that will ensure that he will never become President of the United States.

Farah tells Tiffani that she is “caring for (Kirsten) as a human being.” I call shenanigans! Sociopaths don’t care for anyone as human beings, Farah!

Tiffani disappoints by telling Farah that Kirsten has endometriosis and is very sick. Ironic that this comes in the same episode where vapid Jenna wants to play “let’s create a bunch of embryos, toss them into the air, and see which one lands in my uterus.” Some people have real issues, Bitch!

Tiffani calls Farah two-faced and calls her out for only pretending to care about Kirsten now that she is sick which prompts Farah to take her usual course of action.

I AM HANGING UP BECAUSE YOU ARE MEAN

We see Nadia on the movie set and it is just as exciting as I told you it was, Gasmii. Bet she is glad to have that iPad now! Meanwhile, Brandon is getting ready for the fashion show. Hope he likes his makeup, cause I wouldn’t want him to get all mopey. The icing is firmly slathered on my birthday cake as Brandon and a bunch of other hotties walk the runway together in one luscious, naked group. Unfortunately, in the dressing room afterwards Brandon keeps saying he wants to eat meat right now. Sad wish he weren’t possibly gay horns.

The episode ends as Farah is lounging by the pool with some woman they hired to “prove” she isn’t the spawn of Satan her mom. Farah sheds some crocodile tears and the extra her mom just looks confused.

Well, Gasmii, this episode was the epitome of a typical birthday, was it not?

SOMETIMES BIRTHDAYS ARE STUPID

SOMETIMES BIRTHDAYS MAKE YOU CRY

AND SOMETIMES YOU GET EXACTLY WHAT YOU WANT

Your turn, Gasmii! Did Jenna’s trip to the clinic anger you as much as it did me? Is Farah being a false friend, or did Kirsten’s illness really make her re-evaluate? Is JP ever going to come out of the closet? The forum is yours!