Real World: 1 Fish, 2 Fish, Dead Fish, Blue Fish

Previously:  Ruthie Jr. sang in some lady’s kitchen, and fought with Meathead.  The two events were not related.  And Hair basically acted like if Tweak had a serial killer cousin or something.

Go ahead, I dare you to tell me you don’t see the family resemblance.

Mere seconds into the episode, we learn that tragedy has struck in the house.  Fishicide has occured.  And lo and behold, it’s Dory, beloved chatterbox and seeker of Nemo!

5 bucks says Hair talked her to death.  Yes, even the most talkative fish in movie history finally said, “Enough!”

And THEN!  Meathead suggests that they deny poor Dory the dignity of a proper trip through the Porcelain Portal to Fish Heaven, instead deciding that they should EAT her!  I mean, I guess she’ll end up there eventually, but it will take longer and be a much less pleasant trip.  Oh man, poop after eating dead fish must smell AWESOME.

For the record, I have eaten plenty of fish in my life.  But I take comfort in knowing that they were caught by commercial fisherman and therefore led empty lives, unlike those animals in cartoons with the personalities and the feelings and whatnot.  This fish lived with them.  That’s like eating your own dog.  UN-AMERICAN.

Heterosexuality:  They haz it.

Hair, as usual, is way too delighted with himself as he creepily declares he has dinner and takes out the frying pan.  He seasons it and cooks it and he and Meathead each take a tiny bite and look grossed out.  Obviously, Dory has been keeping up with her Fish-lates, so there’s very little of her to go around.  They decide to see if the other roomies want any.  Lips is utterly horrified to hear what they have done.

You can just see her thinking, “Oh shit, please don’t let me be next!”

She yells at Hair for being a creep.  They didn’t clarify that the fish was already dead, so she may or may not think they went out of their way to kill the fish just to cook it, but either way she is showering Hair with a rainbow of emotions.  Hair pretends to be all insulted but is really just happy for all of the attention.  He offers a bite to Starfish next…

… Who drops a bit of knowledge on him.

Yes, she really does say “Fish are friends!”  Hair creepily talks about seasoning Dory.

Out at the bar, Hair is pretending to be a server.  Meathead tells us for the umpteenth time that Hair is weird.  Shortly afterward, Hair slurs to Eyes that he’s drunk.  Probably off of three vodka cranberries or something, but whatevs.  On the car ride home, he continues to tweak out, punching the seat and hitting his head against the window and just generally freaking the roommates out.

Back at the house, Eyes says he’s so weird it’s impossible to tell what he’s doing.  Preston asks some of the others if they think he’s depressed, and Jimmeh throws out a theory that he’s bipolar.  It could be any number of things, and he’ll probably go with whatever he thinks will get him the most attention.

Upstairs, Ruthie Jr. asks him why he’s about to cry.  Well, Ruthie Jr., it’s because no one is paying attention to him, but you’ve gone and fixed that.  He says he’s losing his mind and himself.  He had such a grasp on who he was before and now he’s losing it.

Honey, you lose your mind and your sanity long before coming to NOLA.  I very highly doubt you ever had them.

He tells Ruthie Jr. that he has “an extreme OCD, to the point where it’s hard to get through every day.”  Well, this sure did come out of nowhere.  I suppose the roomies did not pay attention to his dark, Xanax-popping, crazy-girlfriend days, so this is his new thing.  No disrespect to people with OCD, I just very much do not believe a word that comes out of Hair’s mouth.

Hair thinks he needs to talk to someone about it.  Hey, Jimmeh gets to go to therapy, why doesn’t he?  Ruthie Jr. plays the Meathead to his Jimmeh and offers to go with him.  She does not take his Muslim girl v-card or verbally abuse him, though.  Hair tells us he doesn’t want any of the other roommates to know about his IOCD (the I stands for Imaginary) because they would hold it against him.  Yes, they’ve all been terribly judgemental and unsupportive.  Oh wait, that’s me.

We get shots of the house at night, in the dark, that show us Lips on the computer and most of the other roommates sleeping.  Then Hair goes into her room and starts creeping around.  It is all VERY OMINOUS.

Seriously, if I were her, I would be very afraid to take a shower.  This guy is Psycho.

My favorite roommate pair in the house (as in people who share a bedroom), Meathead and Lips, are going about their usual routine when Lips makes a shocking discovery.  What could it be?!  She enlists Meathead in her investigation, who tells her that Hair was going through her drawers.  Any normal person doing this would be wrong, but it’s behavior we’ve all come to expect from that weirdo.

Lips tells us that she had 6 Percocet pills leftover from when she had her tonsils out last year.  Hair knew about them, and asked for one once.  She let him have one, and now all 6 are gone.  Hey, what happened to all of the painkillers from his TRAGIC shoulder injury at the beginning of the season?

Lips asks Hair what happened to the rest of the pills, and he’s very quiet and evasive before deciding his story is that he took two, Meathead saw and asked for one.  Hair then concludes that Meathead took that pill and the others.  Now, I have no real way of knowing who is telling the truth, but Hair definitely seems like the type of person who WOULD lie about something like this.  On the other hand, every movie and TV show ever has shown me that addicts are always liars.

I just noticed how bulbous his head looks.  Must be all of those obsessive thoughts making it swell up.

Lips tries to talk to Meathead, but he really doesn’t want to talk about it.  Ruthie Jr. suggest to Lips that maybe Meathead did take the pills.  All Lips knows is that someone is lying.  Well, at least she knows that two conflicting things cannot be true at the same time.  Give her a little credit.  The other girls show up to form a complete Brain Trust (a proper Brain Trust is always comprised of four members, FYI).  Jimmeh unsurprisingly takes Meathead’s side, saying that she believes Hair is lying about the biggest issue in Meathead’s life.  He avoids bad influences, and Jimmeh thinks Hair is a bad influence, which is an issue for her.  She doesn’t think Hair can influence Meathead to do something he doesn’t want to, but she does think he can put Meathead in a bad situation.  I know very little about painkillers, all I know is that I learned at a very young age to never, EVER take caffeine pills.

Of course, I simultaneously learned that if I do take caffeine pills, I will be comforted by Zach Morris the dreamboat, so… way to send a mixed message, SBTB.

Now, I lead a relatively clean life, so maybe I am not the best frame of reference here, but from what I hear, no one takes caffeine pills anymore.  Sure, they take other pills and do other drugs, and drink excessive amount of Red Bull and other energy drinks, but when’s the last time you heard about anyone taking caffeine pills?  The only logical conclusion to draw from all of this is that Jessie Spano educated the youth of America and therefore saved the world from the horrors of caffeine pill addiction.  My point is, this whole storyline could have been avoided if Slater had just spent an episode addicted to painkillers for the sake of dropping some knowledge on my generation.

Oh no!  We have ANOTHER casualty in the metaphorical fish tank!  At this rate, the fish will all be dead by the end of the episode and by next week the killer will have to start whacking the roomies.  Anyway, Starfish takes it upon herself to give this one a slightly more dignified exit, as she ladles it into a plastic bag, water and all, and buries it in the backyard.  Still not the proper Porcelain Portal trip, but better than going through Hair and Meathead’s poopholes.  She even says a prayer.

She probably feels a special comraderie with sea creatures, being a Starfish herself and all.

Inside, Hair has discovered the wonderous invention known as a vacuum cleaner.  He uses it to suck on Eyes’ nipple and Meathead’s testicle.  Behold, we have finally learned the origin of “Give me your testicle!” from the opening credits.  Between that and “You ate our FISH?!” earlier, I believe we’re all caught up.  Hair also claims to have done his ball before.

Blow Job:  You’re doing it wrong.

Lips is on the phone with her mom, and she recounts the Missing Percocet Perplexion.  Lips is POSITIVE that Meathead didn’t take the pills, but her mom reminds her that “A druggie’s a druggie, now, I’m not trying to be mean, but…”  I’m still slightly more inclined to believe Meathead, but that’s because Hair is SUCH a drama queen that it’s impossible to take anything he says seriously.

Ruthie Jr.’s best friend from home, Lila, has arrived for a visit.  The two tearfully/excitedly hug in front of the house.  Ruthie Jr. tells us she’s more like a sister, and her other half.  Then we get lyrics about being a safety net to confirm.

Eyes is up on stage doing standup comedy at an open mic night.  He does a bit about living with friends instead of strangers, because if you get mad at your friends, you fight it out, but strangers “piss on your toothbrush.”

And look who suddenly finds that funny!

Don’t worry though, this isn’t actually about Eyes because why would it be?  It’s about Ruthie Jr. being amazed at how comfortable he is being up on stage.  She’s still determined to get on stange before she leaves New Oreans, but she’s scared.

Jimmeh tells us that Hair lying about Meathead is a bitch move, but Meathead not standing up to Hair is also a bitch move.  On a car ride home after a night of drinking, Eyes and Jimmeh start trash talking about each other’s home states.  Hair gets involved, prompting Jimmeh to declares that she has lived in DC and worked for congressmen.  Really?  Glad MTV only saw fit to tell us that she’s a drunken slut with a tattooed vagina.  She asks Hair what he’s done besides trim some bangs.  Well now I don’t know!  He could have built a hot air balloon or something and we would have no idea!

Hair talks back to her, and she hits him.  Did I mention he was driving?  No?  Well, he was, so the other roomies get a bit of a scare as the car lurches forward.  Then Hair apparently stops in the middle of the road, as Eyes and Meathead encourage him to drive before another car, you know, hits them or something.  Ruthie Jr. plays the “please don’t hurt my poor innocent friend card,” which seems to work.

Jimmeh tells us she’s surprised that no one has slapped the shit out of Hair by now.  You and me both, Jimmeh.  She calls him out for allegedly lying about Meathead, and Hair says he “blamed it on both of us” like that’s a logical explanation or something.  She tells us he’s just “not smart enough to comprehend” why lying about this is so wrong.  Well put.  The kid has the emotional maturity level of an eight year old.  Meathead tells Jimmeh he doesn’t care because he knows what he did or didn’t do.

Starfish tells Meathead about the fish funeral she held, and he notices another fish looking pretty green in the gills.  Starfish decides the logical solutionn is to poke at it with a utensil.  She is very excited when the fish starts swimming, and Meathead tells her it just wants to die somewhere it won’t get hit with a soup ladle.  She decides that she has saved its life.

Ruthie Jr. asks Lila why she would leave her parents’ house if she doesn’t have to.  Ummmm, for freedom and independence?  And to realize this magical dream of singing that is apparently impossible in Dearborn?  She feels different because she is Arabic and Muslim and lives in a town where singing isn’t allowed.  She grew up in a place where everyone understands her, but other people don’t understand her at all.  Well, maybe that’s because you all stay in one little bubble.  Some guy who hit on Lila in the airport doesn’t even know what Lebanese is.  He probably thinks it’s some sort of lesbian slang.  Lila thinks Ruthie Jr. is handling herself well.

Hair calls an OCD therapist because Jimmeh got lots of attention when she went to a therapist.  Apparently he’s been having “repetitive thoughts” since he was kid.  He says having OCD is embarrassing, which is why he doesn’t tell anyone.  OCD is only embarrassing if people see you washing your hands or flipping a light switch for half an hour straight.  He makes an appointment and hangs up.

Ruthie Jr. tells us that New Orleans musicians are open and like a family.  If you meet a band, they want you to come jam out with them.

Through no influence whatsoever from MTV, I’m sure.

Anyway, a few local musicians come over to teach Ruthie Jr. some songs that they wrote.  With all of the roomies watching, FYI.  No pressure or anything.  They start and she’s clearly very self-conscious.  Starfish tells us when she actually sings, she’s really good, but she’s not doing her best.  Part of the problem might be singing some random unknown song instead of learning something she might recognize, but the product has to be placed somewhere.  Ruthie Jr. says she’s going to the open mic night that Eyes went to.  Damn, MTV, that’s weak.  Anyone can go to an open mic night.  Last season, Cliche got to sing onstage with a real band.  FROM HER iPOD!  And Douche had one of the worst voices in history but some random band was totally willing to make him their lead singer.

Looks like Eyes might still be crushing.  Jimmeh, on the other hand, is not impressed.

In the car with Lips and Ruthie Jr., Jimmeh says she really hit Hair because of the Percocet.  Jimmeh and Lips are both convinced that Hair is lying and Ruthie Jr. wants to know why Meathead doesn’t confront him about it.  Lips says it’s because Meathead knows he didn’t do it so he doesn’t feel the need.  Ruthie Jr. still thinks it’s suspect.  What I want to know is why there appears to be NO footage of either of them taking the pills.  Also, why would Meathead take a couple of pills, knowing that would only make him crave more?

Back at the house, Ruthie Jr. and Meathead are trash talking each other again.  She tells him to stay out of her bed because she has chlamydia, but he’s got Penicillin for that on reserve, ho!  She throws out a comment about the Percocet, and he’s visibly affected by it as he tells her he doesn’t do that anymore and moves on to her sideburns.  Also, he’s with Hair and two random guys who we’ve never seen before and get no subtitles, so I suppose they’ll remain a mystery.  He says that’s not something you joke about.  Meathead tells Jimmeh he has no respect for her, as a cameraperson sneakily pulls aside a curtain to reveal Ruthie Jr. and make sure she hears what’s going on.  Well done, cameraperson.  Bonus for you.  Meathead moves on to saying she can’t sing.

Later, Ruthie Jr. is crying in a corner and Hair finds her and comforts her.  He says things like that cross the line.  Sorry dude, but this time Ruthie Jr. crossed the line first.  Comment on cheating boyfriend = bad.  Comment on addiction to pills = worse.  And I know Ruthie Jr. is sensitive about her singing voice, but that is just not the same thing.

GUARD YOUR EARS, WOMAN!

In the car, Meathead says Ruthie Jr. is a good singer but shouldn’t make a career out of it.  Jimmeh and Preston say that’s not his decision and he should support her.  I’m just distracted because every other shot, Meathead’s earphones keep disappearing and reappearing.  It amused me.

Lila tries to encourage Ruthie Jr., but she feels like Meathead crossed a line.  Again, this time, you started it dear.  She says people question her love for music and it makes her question herself.  She goes to get on the phone and Eyes and Lila discuss her.  Oooh, he’s trying to get in good with the best friend.  He tells us he knows she can sing, but he’s worried about her “cojones.”

At the soup kitchen, Loretta(!) gives Meathead a warm welcome.  She’s smoking and he’s got dip in his mouth.  He tells her she shouldn’t be smoking if she has heart problems, and she says he shouldn’t be chewing because it will give him mouth cancer.  He says she doesn’t take crap and he likes that.  Cut to her giving him crap in the kitchen at various times.  She is so awesome.  And THEN, she sits down with Meathead and Lips and counsels them about the drug situation.  She tells Meathead it’s sad that he enjoys upsetting people.  She says you can’t pick the people you’re around, but you can pick how you react to them.  ”You know I’m right.”  Of course you’re right Loretta.  You are always right, because you’re AWESOME.  I smell spinoff!

Meathead tells us he’s determined to be honest.  He gets home from the store and goes to the bathroom, and we get another scene of ominous peeing noises.  Last time this happened, it ended up involving Hair and the police.  This time, Meathead calls Lips in to show her that he has taken a drug test and that everything is negative.  We get SEVERAL shots of the drug test box lying on the shower floor.

Do they keep those next to the pregnancy tests?  I’m totally checking next time I’m in CVS.

Lips tells Preston about the negative drug test, and he tells her he snapped at Meathead in the car earlier about being more supportive of Ruthie Jr.  Lips tells Preston that she said some low stuff too, and Preston realizes that’s why he took the drug test.  Meathead tells us he believes that Hair took the pills, and thinks he has proven that Hair is lying.

Hair comes in acting weird, as always, and sings right up in Ruthie Jr.’s face.  Lila asks if he’s drunk, but he says no.  Ruthie Jr. doesn’t know what to believe anymore.  I assume the implication here is that they suspect he might have taken Percocet?

Lila’s visit has come to an end, and they hug in the hallway as Ruthie Jr. tells us she didn’t realize how badly she needed to see Lila until she was there.  Yeah, this girl is so going back home and staying there.

Too bad there’s no “Healing the Attention-Starved Brain” for Hair.  Although, there appears to be a Nicholas Sparks book under there, and you just know he LOVES that shit.

Lips tells Ruthie Jr. about the negative drug test.  Ruthie Jr. points out that Percocet doesn’t necessarily show up on every drug test, and they don’t know when the pills were taken so it could be out of his system by now.  These are both valid points, but neither of them trusts Hair.  Ruthie Jr. says she never knows what to make of him or what’s real or not.

Hair calls his OCD therapist to cancel his appointment.  Apparently he’s not “ready.”  It’s okay, the therapist probably isn’t going to be able to help you with IOCD anyway.

Ruthie Jr. asks Meathead if he’s coming to watch her sing.  He asks if she wants him to come, and she says yes.  He says he’ll come, then says he was going to come anyway.  He asks if she wants him to play the tambourine, but she says she just needs him to not make fun of her voice.  He says she lowballed him and he lowballed her back.  He apologizes, but she doesn’t.  I’m not taking sides, I’m just saying.

Out at the bar, Ruthie Jr. writes her name on the chalkboard.  It’s a big moment for her.  Meathead introduces her as “all the way from Dearborn, MI, the Lebanese sensation… Hollywooood!”  She gets up and announces that it’s her first time on a New Orleans stage.  Does this mean they actually have stages in Dearborn, where she has apparently been for her entire life?

Gratuitous Eyes shot.  You’re welcome.

She starts off well, but then forgets the words and starts throwing in some “na-na-na’s” and “da-da-da’s” to cover.  It’s a good move, but you can tell she’s shaken by it.  She gets through it and Preston picks her up and hugs her when she gets off the stage.  Jimmeh tells us she thinks Ruthie Jr. is finally realizing that there is more to being a singer than a good voice.  Eyes tells us that forgetting lines your first time on stage is expected, and the fact that she did it is more important than how she thinks she did.

Eyes gets up on stage and freestyles for a bit about Ruthie Jr.’s sexy brown skin and her man being Pablo, much to the delight of the roomies, especially Lips.  Ruthie Jr. says she feels like she wants to cry, but Eyes made her laugh.  In that moment, she loves him.  I bet right now, Pablo is being sketchy somewhere and she’s wasting time not making out with Eyes.  Just sayin.

Ruthie Jr. gets home and calls Lila to tell her about it.  She’s proud of herself for getting through it even if it didn’t go as well ask she’s hoped.  She thinks this is the worst she could ever to and it’s all uphill from here.  Well, that’s… optimistic of her.

The roomies enjoy a late night snack as Meathead tells Ruthie Jr. he didn’t mean it when he said she was a bad singer, and he was impressed.  She thanks then for coming.  Then the conversation suddenly becomes about Hair being shady.  Starfish tells us she doesn’t want to live with someone who is stealing and lying.

… And tweaking out, and bring annoying to new levels, and exhibiting symptoms of everything he can think of for attention.

Next week:  Ugh, Hair multiplies when his brother and cousin come to visit.  The roomies are as fed up as I am.  Eyes even gets CRAZY EYES!  It’s going to be intense.

So, when the third fish was dying I was so convinced we were going to learn that Hair had ground Percocet into the fish food or something.  Seriously, the kid is just apeshit.  I was happy for Ruthie Jr. getting up on stage, hopefully she’ll gain some confidence because she does have a good voice.  Anyone else think Eyes still wants her?  And the million dollar question:  who’s really lying, Hair or Meathead?  We haven’t seen any definitive proof one way or the other.  What do you guys think?