Real World: A Farewell to Smarm

First, I must apologize for the lateness of this recap.  Second, I must apologize if I seem loopy.  We got an email at work this morning because someone left his/her car lights on in the parking lot, and every time that happens I spend the rest of the day hearing the Mall Madness automated voice lady saying “Uh oh, YOU left your CAR lights on.  GO to the PARKing LOT.”  Also, I think I’m getting a cold.  But mostly it’s the Mall Madness thing.

Previously:  MikeMike sat in the living room and pretended to read while the rest of his roomies engaged in varying degrees of sexual activity.  Adam had a tendency to get drunk and violent, and after Nany went back to making out with him before being pulled away by Teacup, he got extra drunk and violent, leading to a trashed suite.

“You guys, I think I can almost see my dignity from here.  See that ditch all the way over there, behind that pile of shit that Adam broke?”

Nany informs us that after last night’s escapades, the roomies have to get up and go to work.  We get several shots of broken glass, blood, and other assorted consequences.  Nany also tells us that it makes her “so sad to know that Adam goes through things like that.”  Really, Nany?  Because Adam seems to think it’s just a jolly good fucking time, so I wouldn’t waste my sadness on him.

As MikeMike and Dustin survey the damage, guess who awakens from his slumber to join them?  Adam, of course!  And wouldn’t you know, Prince Charming finds nothing but amusement at what he sees until he finds out that… his PRECIOUS SHOES ARE DIRTY!  He throws one of them across the room while Dustin tells him to “cheel.”

Relax, Doucherella.  You ruined your own glass slippers.

While the girls shower, Adam heads into MikeRoy’s room, angry about his shoes and his watch, which is apparently missing.  He expresses said anger by smashing something made of glass all over the carpet in their bedroom.  What the FUCK?!  In what universe is that not dangerous and awful, let alone funny?  I ask this because not only is Adam laughing, but Dustin and MikeMike are too.  MikeMike tells us it’s because he just doesn’t know what else to do.

Dustin says Leroy is going to be pissed.  Oh, really?  You don’t say?  I can’t imagine why, other than the fact that he just got out of the shower and now he might step on broken glass.  I would be furious if I lived in a house where I constantly had to wear sneakers or other shoes constantly for fear of stepping on broken glass.  This bitch likes to be barefoot.  Damn, though, Roy Lee sure does keep his cool.  Adam valiantly offers to clean up the glass he smashed in someone else’s bedroom, but Roy can’t even deal and just calmly asks Adam to leave so he can get dressed for work.  He tells us that “sorry” is useless at this point.

Now Adam is asking to go to work so he can go to sleep.  The roomies head downstairs to help set up for the Fetish and Fantasy Ball, and Adam does this:

The sad part is, this is probably more productive than him “helping” by smashing things the others are trying to put together.

Also, I think Adam is attempting to cover as many of the seven dwarves as possible.  He pretends to be Bashful to get girls, I think Grumpy and Dopey are pretty self-explanatory, and he’s Happy when he gets attention from Nany.  He is currently covering Sleepy.  I think Doc, the smart one, is a lost cause (unless you count finding ways to manipulate needy women).  We shall see if he comes across some pepper or develops an allergy to his bloody comforter and gets all Sneezy on us.

Adam calls Teacup over to request that she and the other roomies wake him up before they leave instead of leaving him there.  She gives him a pretty awesome lecture about needing a mother and the fact that he’s got to grow up at some point so he might want to make an attempt at that at some point.  I’m sure it’s fallen on deaf ears, but at least she tried and said the right things.

MikeMike is excited by the prospect of scantily-clad women.  Some of the roomies are introduced to a porn star named Sasha Sweet.  They encourage MikeMike to feel her boobs, but when Dustin goes to get her, MikeMike hides under the table because it’s too rude.  Yes, I’m sure the is the worst thing she’s ever had to endure.  I mean, not that it’s necessarily polite or anything, and I have no idea what proper porn star etiquette is (maybe the roomies should ask Zito?), but still.  Adam asks if MikeMike can feel her boob, and Mike tries to decline but when she says it’s okay he can’t resist.

“My grandma only specified no strip clubs, so that must mean porn stars are up to the proper moral code.”

He grabs one, and then even asks if he can do it again.  Then he tells us that he’s “never felt a fake boob before, at least not one that felt like that.”  Then he gets all giggly about sitting next to a porn star and touching her boob and since it’s our beloved MikeMike, it’s just plain adorable.

Out at dinner, Naomi tells Adam that he could have been sent home, and informs him of all of the blood trails he left around the apartment.  Meanwhile, security guards are investigating and documenting the evidence.  Back at dinner, Adam once again informs his roommates that he doesn’t remember anything and acts as though that absolves him from any responsibility.  Roy Lee mans up to say that they all knew this would happen and he wants Adam to go home.  All of the other roomies (except MikeMike, if you watch the dailies) cop out, saying he should go home if he does it again.  RL is frustrated and says Adam should go right now since he’s already admitted that he’ll do it again.

“After you, my fellow melon-headed Enforcer of Justice.”

Roy Lee is on the phone telling his friend Woody about all of the Adam drama.  Of course, the mere mention of the name Woody makes me think about Toy Story, so now I can’t stop comparing Adam to Sid, which is ironic because Roy Lee is the one who grew up to be a garbage man.  Speaking of character for children:

Tinkerbell is here to sprinkle some fairy dust(in)!

And now Dustin is dressed as a pimp for the Fetish & Fantasy Ball, and the female roomies are dressed as his ladies of the night.  Teacup is feeling flirtatious, but wisely contains it to dancing seductively with the other female roomies, far away from any males who might threaten Dustin’s ego.  They appear to leave quickly, as Dustin doesn’t like being around so many people in his “underwears.”  So clearly, the next stop (while Dustin is still in said “underwears”) is Vanity.  But WAIT!  What is this scandal?!  The manager refuses to let Adam in, since he’s been warned repeatedly and still had to get dragged out the night before.  AMAZINGLY, the manager does not take his lack of memory of said events as an excuse, and bans Adam from the club for good.

As I sit here reeling from the revelation of this novel concept known as “consequences,” Adam heads back up to the suite all sad and lonely while his roomies party it up at da club.  Nany is saddened by this (deserved) punishment, and when the roomies get back to the suite she heads straight for Adam’s bed to console him.  He’s taking it fairly well, so clearly he must be sober.  Roy Lee is not satisfied, and wants to see Adam kicked out of the entire hotel since Vanity is only one of the bars they go to.  RL is also pissed that the roomies are once again letting Adam off the hook.

Since RL finds Adam’s behavior unacceptable, he has decided to engage in some unacceptable behavior of his own.  He starts smashing glasses, claiming he’s just having fun, not harming anyone, and he won’t even remember this tomorrow.  He specifically calls Nany out, which pisses her off because she’s never said anything bad about Roy Lee, but she hears him talking about her in the confessional.  He claims his roommates can clean it up, and he doesn’t care how they feel about it right now.  Of course, once we’re back from commercial, he and MikeMike are cleaning it up.  Good to know they’re the only once concerned about broken glass all over the kitchen.  (Okay, to be fair, Naomi did have a broom at one point.)

The bromance that sleeps together… sweeps together?

Roy Lee tells us that none of the roommate saw his outburst coming, and in a joint confessional with MikeMike says that Nany was all about comforting Adam, but no one will comfort him.  MikeMike makes an ill-advised joke about RL kissing him, and RL’s homophobia comes out so he gets mad.  He can’t stay mad at MikeMike though, so it’s okay.

RL works out while the brain trust of Dustin, Nany, and Teacup fail to see the point of RL’s outburst.  And THEN… the doorbell rings.  Adam answers to find a security team, who are there for “a little chat.”  The purpose of said chat turns out to be informing Adam that he has used up his warnings and is being asked to leave.  We then cut to him being read a statement that he is trespassing and must leave immediately.

“Closing time… you don’t have to go home, but you can’t. stay. here… Now GTFO.”

Security watches over Adam as he packs his bags and informs his roommates that he has to leave.  Dustin thinks Adam wanted to change, but now he won’t be able to.  I saw no indication that he wanted to, but if he does then no one is stopping him.  Roy Lee is happy that his prayers to be delivered from evil have been answered.  Nany cries while she and Adam embrace and he apologizes for having to leave her before they’ve had the chance to properly smush.  Okay, so he doesn’t say it that way, but I’m assuming that’s what he meant.  Nany gives a hilarious confessional in which she asks, out of everyone, “Why him?”

You keep using that word.  I do not think it means what you think it means.

Adam hugs everyone goodbye and even gives RL (who is in the middle of brushing his teeth) a friendly handshake.  Adam says he kept saying he would party today and win his roomies over tomorrow, but maybe he should have reversed the chronology of those actions.  Since his friends are still in town, he hops in a cab to stay with them for a few days while Nany cries in the bathroom and is comforted by Teacup.

LOL, editors.

Adam’s drawers are empty (or vacant, if you will).  Nany is still crying because she felt closest to Adam.  RL thinks he shouldn’t have talked to Nany the way he did, so they have a chat and hug it out.  She draws the line at kissing and making up, though.

Out at da club, Nany is STILL SAD.  She tells us that she put up a wall with Adam and didn’t give in to temptation, so she missed out.  What, exactly, was that wall made out of?  Construction paper?  Saran wrap?  Glass?  It doesn’t matter, because Adam smashed it to bits as easily as he did many of the items in their suite.  She tells Naomi that she likes Adam and wishes she told him that.  Naomi reassures her (and worries us) that’s it’s not the end between them.

MikeMike time!  Yay!  He tells us that he’s never been able to be aggressive with women (we get some shots of Roy Lee being nice and aggressive with a classy young broad to illustrate the contradiction), and awkwardly hits on a girl by asking her about books.

“Oh, honey you have NO IDEA.  Just WAIT until I break out my prayer book!”

Poor MikeMike just leaves, feeling helplessly awkward.  Back in the suite, Nany calls Adam up crying that she misses him.  Woman, he is DOWN THE STREET.  Or around the corner, or something.  He invites her to go on a date the next day, and RL rolls his eyes and says them being a couple “don’t make no fucking sense.”  It’s okay, RL, the Real World is not a place for “sense.”

Housekeeping arrives to clean Adam’s room.  Roy Lee informs us that he doesn’t want a new roommate, he’s satisfied with the six current ones.

Meanwhile, Nany is getting all dressed up to spend her “last and final night with Adam,” which is a rather repetitive and redundant way of putting it.  If only she meant “last and final” in a more permanent way (although the Aftershow indicates it may have ended up that way).  Teacup tells us that Adam comes with a lot of baggage, and as Nany’s friend she doesn’t want that but has to support Nany.  Speaking of Nany, she packs an overnight bag as she tells us she doesn’t know if Adam is relationship material, but she guesses she’ll find out.  I’m sure we all wish we could save her the time and energy by assuring her that no, no he is not.  Not one bit, not at all.  Then she puts a Listerine pocket strip in her mouth and I get distracted because I had no idea those things still exist!

As they head out on their date, Adam tells us he wants to show Nany he’s a good guy.  Uh, good luck with that, bro.  They talk about how much it sucks that he got kicked out.  Adam says he learned a lot from the experience, but Nany makes it all about her and says she regrets not telling him how she feels.  She broke up with her boyfriend because it was too hard to live with Adam, they like each other, yadda yadda yadda.  It would all be just lovely if we hadn’t spent six episodes watching him be ridiculously destructive.

“Do you think if I smash these glasses on this table right now, I’ll get kicked out of this restaurant?  I want to see how many places I can be banned from in one 48 hour span.”

Meanwhile, MikeMike and Leroy are having a contest to see who can get more girls’ numbers in more risque places.  One point for arms, two points for chest, five points for ass, fifteen points for nether region.  Leroy informs us that if MikeMike brings a girl home, RL will take the couch for his boy.

Out at da club, we learn that MikeMike hasn’t really gotten any numbers since arriving in Vegas, and he’s getting desperate.  Dustin and Roy Lee help him find a girl to grind with, and next thing you know some other girl is writing her number on his blurred out crotch!  Damn, MikeMike, where did that come from?!  Oh wait, now he says he’s never been in such a debaucherous situation and it feels disrespectful.  There he is.  He says he feels like a baller, but he also feels bad.  Oh, my dear MikeMike, these girls are adults and were more than willing.  Yours is not the place to feel bad.

And now for a Beautiful Moment in Bromance:  Roy Lee tells MikeMike not to feel bad just because he doesn’t enjoy being a player like the rest of them.  Roy Lee says that what he does “really ain’t that cool” and that MikeMike should be himself and not be Roy Lee.  I know I haven’t shut up about it, but I cannot overstate how much I love the friendship and mutual respect between these two.  As jerseyj pointed out on the MiniCap, it’s nice that Roy Lee doesn’t think MikeMike is lame for not being a player, and they can both respect the fact that they’re just two different people with different habits and outlooks on life.

Nany and Adam cuddle by a fire and Adam tells us that in a dream world they’d have sex so she’d have him to think about for the rest of her time in Vegas.  They head back to his room and get into bed, but there are no night-vision cameras or microphones in the headboards to capture them in the act.  The next morning, they kiss and cuddle and Adam promises to visit.

“So, I know I have a pseudo-girlfriend and bang random chicks all the time, but don’t worry, I totally love you.”

Over at <product placement>, I happened to pause on an amazing MikeMike face, so I thought I’d share:

I know, MikeMike, I think product placements are painful too.  But in this age of DVR’s and internet viewings and whatnot, they’re a necessary evil.

As Adam and Nany say their goodbyes, we cut back and forth between that and one of those rare moments when Dustin is the voice of reason.  He says Adam is okay as a friend, but would be terribly in a relationship because despite Nany’s claims that Dustin doesn’t know the “real Adam,” Dustin can still see through his actions that he doesn’t know how to treat women.  Amen, Dustin.  Hold on to this moment, because I’ll be mocking you momentarily.

Adam and Nany do more kissing and goodbye-ing.  Adam tells us that his Vegas experience has been a roller coaster ride, but he has no regrets and he’s “taking something away from this experience, and her name is Nany.”  Who knew Adam could form coherent thoughts that would almost sound nice coming from someone else?

Nany tells Naomi that the house won’t be the same without Adam.  She’s right.  Now it has a fighting chance of staying in one piece.  The roomies discuss the possibilities for Adam’s replacement.  Teacup reminds Dustin that it’s his roommate, and I think it’s nice that she’s keeping her room with Nany and Naomi instead of jumping in with Dustin now that she has the chance.  It’s a testament to the girls’ friendship and Teacup’s sense of boundaries.

Speaking of boundaries, Dustin says he’d rather have a girl than a gay guy roommate because the guy might “sniff” his “underwears.”  What makes him think this will happen?  ”I sniff girls’ underwears.”  BAH!   CALLED IT!  Teacup, RUN!

He’s climbin’ in yo dressers, he’s snatchin’ yo panties up!  So y’all need to hide yo bras, hide yo socks, hide yo bras, hide yo socks… and hide yo hairbrush, cause he’s sniffin’ errrthing in there!  Tea-cup, Tea- Tea- Tea- cup.

And now we reach the most glaring omission from my MiniCap:  Dustin tells us about his paranoia, which he developed after being approached by gay guys.  All of this would make more sense if we weren’t supposed to be pretending that he’s not a gay porn star.  Dustin and Roy Lee say they don’t want to be assholes, but they don’t want to go to a gay club and get checked out.  The girls seem to think the guys could benefit from having a gay roommate, but it certainly doesn’t seem like Dustin learned anything from that time he lived in that “straight” house where all of the guys had gay sex with each other.  I’m not saying he’s gay, just that he seems like he should be more open-minded considering his history.

Teacup says she wouldn’t want to hook up with a guy who’s hooked up with another guy since that means he’s gay.  For the sake of Pete and his friend Bob, WHEN is she going to find out about Dustin’s history already?!

Turns out that sleeping on the circle couch is uncomfortable, so when Roy Lee brings one of his conquests home, MikeMike brings his mattress out into the living room and builds a fort around it, calling it “Sexiled Island.”  He also asks RL’s girl to “crawl into my lair.”  TWSS!  They pretend to make sex noises and MikeMike makes animal noises and it’s hilarious.

“Care to join me in Fort Cocks, m’lady?”

They get a call from the front desk informing them that their new roommate will be arriving in about an hour.  The girls shower and the guys clean.  The girls want a guy roommate, and the guys want a girl who will stir up some drama.

Next week:  It’s a girl!  And she does indeed want to stir up drama, especially between Teacup and Dustin.  And Naomi is PISSED.  Eeesh.

If you haven’t already seen the Aftershow, I recommend it.  Nany actually seems like she’s learned from her mistakes, she realized Roy Lee was looking out for her and Adam is bad news.  After seeing Sammi at Aftershows and reunions, it’s incredibly refreshing to see that some people CAN learn from their mistakes and that The Real World is not Jersey Shore.  As for Adam, I’d say good riddance, but I’m not sure I’m going to like the new girl.  She seems to want drama just for the sake of drama.  Not much else to say about this episode besides YAY for MikeMike and Leroy!  What did you guys think about everything?