Real World: Confessions in the Confessional

Mardi Gras is in full swing, with beads aplenty and even a marching band. Jimmeh and Meathead decide to celebrate by having sex in a bathroom, presumably at someone’s house? It looks like they’re all at a house party. Various roomies gather around to listen and knock on the door, until Meathead calls out to tell them that they are not speeding things along. The “terrible” news is that Lips has to pee, so she opens the door and then promptly turns around and walks out. I had a very similar experience in college once. For the record, I was Lips in that situation.

Lips tells us that the White Trash Duo have sex everywhere, and have no boundaries. I’m not entirely sure what boundaries I would expect from someone with a tattooed vag, but I can’t say bathroom sex surprised me.

In honor of the upcoming Super Bowl Sunday, some of the roomies toss the pigskin around outside the house. For the record, that is not a euphemism- with these people I thought clarification might be necessary. They are excited about the Super Bowl and have already learned the “Who Dat?” chant. Jimmeh is anticipating a crazy night if the Saints win, and (spoiler alert) expect some craziness. Also, for some reason I am pleasantly surprised to see Ruthie Jr. out playing football with them because I had totally pegged her as the antisocial roommate.

This fall, head to your local movie theater to see Pigskin, featuring Kevin Bacon and the Manning brothers as they bring the formerly forbidden sport known as football to the people of Dearborn, MI!

Meathead asks Preston when he came out, and Preston tells them about standing on a desk in high school and announcing it in “I’m here, I’m queer, get used to it” fashion. Meathead reveals that his best (male) friend once kissed him on the lips. GASP! As much as he is a stereotypical frat boy, he does strike me as being pretty laid-back and comfortable with himself and others, which I can respect. Especially when we have the precise opposite of all of those things found in another roommate.

Hey Meathead, I dare you to walk up to Hair and do that.  Actually, I triple dog dare ya!

Speaking of Hair, Starfish takes this time to say that if he was comfortable with his sexuality, he wouldn’t care if people thought he was gay. Awwww, look at Starfish using that noggin. Meathead doesn’t think Hair is gay, just insecure and unsure because everyone else thinks he’s gay. I don’t think Hair is gay, just unbelievably insecure and maybe kind of a prude.

Hair is on the phone with his cousin talking trash about Preston, whose name he suddenly finds hilarious. Apparently Preston “thinks he’s so cool” and “has the biggest mouth ever.” God, that stupid Preston just NEVER SHUTS UP and is way too in love with the sound of his own voice. Oh wait… “Hello, kettle? Pot here. You are so friggen black.” Oh, but he doesn’t stop there because he accuses Preston of calling him gay for attention.

“Hello, Odrama? It’s Hair, and I just want to tell you that you’re kind of a drama queen.”

Over in the Land of Way Too Much Information, Jimmeh has pulled Meathead’s wiener out of the pee hole in his boxers. Hey, if I have to know that, so do you. They both tell us they’re having fun, there’s no pressure, yadda yadda yadda. Yeah, we’ll see. Meathead, in what I must say is an impressive display of grammar, tells us he has decided to “think positively.” What can I say, I can be a Grammar Nazi sometimes and I was honestly surprised to hear that from his mouth. Lips thinks it would be funny if they ended up in a relationship, and we get another reminder that they are both anti-relationship.

Lips and Preston have discovered that New Orleans has a radio station. Regular pioneers, these two. Lips is a communication major (hey, me too!) who loves radio stuff and the sound of her own voice.

Well, at least she admits it.  Maybe she could give hair a tutorial on self-awareness.  Oh, who am I kidding?  Hey, a girl can dream, right?

Preston has aspirations to be a television personality. They head down to a radio station to pretend to interview for the fake jobs MTV has arranged. I suppose this will be another “independent project” season. They’re going to start off with a segment about the crazy fandom of the Saints, and then have a weekly five minute segment about New Orleans. Ooh, five minutes a week- I hope that doesn’t cut into their drunk time! (I know, I know, a five minute segment is a lot of work- remember, I was a communications major too. Except at my school that major was a joke for people who didn’t know what to major in, and I’m convinced I passed some of my classes solely based on my ability to spell the word “communications.”)

Preston has received a suggestive email from BIG Thang, nude photos and all. Meathead claims to have a Bigger Thang, Preston tells us he attracts the crazies despite not being anything special. Meathead is proud of his “boy” Preston for not liking clingers. Preston knows better than to respond and Meathead responds instead, pretending to be Preston talking about Meatheads Bigger Thang.

What size is his Thang again?

Meathead can barely keep a straight face as he tells us that the roomies are volunteering for a dog parade.

Meanwhile, this dog is Imagining all the people Giving Peace a Chance in Strawberry Fields Forever.  Help!

And this poor pup seems to be prepping for an audition to sing Happy Birthday to President Obama and/or stand over a windy subway vent.

None of them can even feign excitement, except for Lips who is interviewing people for her radio segment with a drink in her hand. Fuck, I should move to New Orleans. She tells Preston she’s not sure if the interview was recorded because she pressed Play. Remember this, it will be important later. Various people are excited about the Super Bowl and the whole city is going to celebrate together. That must be really nice. I’m from New York, so we basically have 2 of every major sports team. When one of my teams wins, half my friends feel the need to shit on my parade. I honestly can’t even comprehend a whole city coming together to support the same team.

And now for some drama at the McDonald’s drive-thru. Poor Starfish is trying to order for all of them while they are all ignoring her and making noise. Preston admits that he like Big Thang until he turned into Clingy Thang. Hair and Meathead give him props for cutting ties, and both think Big Thang had a thing for them. My, Big Thang sure was Flirty Thang. Preston mentions Big Thang thinking Hair was confused about his sexuality, which of course sends Hair into a tizzy involving the word fag. Starfish asks Preston if that offends him, and he pretty much leds it roll off his back. Starfish tells us Hair already sounds like an idiot, and using gay slurs just makes him sound dumber than he already does. Well put, Starfish. I like you better this week.

Preston calls Hair out for being ignorant, and Hair uses his favorite gay slur more hatefully, which pisses off Preston. Jimmeh at least has the decency to yell out something about vodka in the background of this madness. Someone starts up a “Who Dat?” chant, and I thank that person for shutting them up.

Back at the house, Hair still has his panties in a bunch and calls his brother to bitch some more. Apparently he doesn’t appreciate being called gay. Really? I had not gathered that from the first thirty goddamn times I heard it! Also, remember in kindergarten when you learned that sticks and stones may break your bones, but words could never hurt you? Hair was sick that day. Meathead, who is surprisingly a pretty frequent voice of reason in the house, tells Hair that they have realized each other’s boundaries, and Hair needs to recognize his boundaries with Preston.

Hair also missed the day of kindergarten when he should have learned that most people make fun of you just to get a reaction, and will stop if they think it’s not bothering you. Or he knows that and just wants the attention because his dad didn’t hug him enough or maybe hugged him too much. Who knows. Hair babbles the same shit for the umpteenth time, and Meathead tells him to drop it or go punch him. A-freaking-men, dude. Except that will never happen because then Hair would get sent home and no one would be constantly annoying the shit out of me, and we can’t have that.

Perhaps one night this gator will somehow come to life and bite off one of Hair’s hands, forever ruining his ability to properly cut hair and giving him something legitimate to whine about.

The roomies are prepping for a debaucherous night of Super Bowl celebration. Meathead tells Preston he would beat Hair in a fight. Preston tells Meathead that Jimmeh called his Thang little. Lips said Jimmeh claimed to be satisfied, and she repeats that for the benefit of Preston and the cameras. Meathead also claims to have given her more than two pumps, so thank goodness for that. Preston thinks Jimmeh is giving Meathead too much credit.

So, it turns out that the recorder Preston and Lips used for their radio segment is blank. They have a sudden revelation that the red button is Record, just like it has been on every recording device ever. I don’t know how Lips would know that though, it’s not like she’s been involved with radio before… oh wait. OMGyouguys,howdoImakespacesbetweenwords?Iforgot!

I suppose I should be proud of them for succeeding at dialing the phone.

Lips tells us the atmosphere is unlike anything she’s ever seen before in her life. She’s holding hands with strangers, guys are passing her their drinks… yup, sounds like the intelligence level of your average communications major. That can’t end badly at all. On another note, Ruthie Jr. is trying to go back on her promise to publicly “make out with” Eyes if the Saints win.

Eyes tells us that Starfish is a total lightweight. Meanwhile, she’s drinking with some guy named Dom. Preston runs into his other conquest, Maxwell. As the Saints are making a comeback in the 4th quarter, Preston is removed from the bar because apparently Maxwell is underage. The bouncers still won’t let him in after Maxwell leaves, and a sober, non-violent Preston is left standing sadly in the street for no apparent reason while his roommates celebrate inside. This brings up Painful Memories of being picked on in high school, and the floodgates open.  Awww, poor Preston.

Those Lips can be used for persuasion in more ways than one.

Lips comes out to convince the bouncers that Preston is “no drama.” Seriously, if drama is their concern, they should be dragging Hair out by his precious ears. Anyway, Lips presses herself up against one of the bouncers and eventually Preston is allowed back in just in time for…

VICTORY! Mass hysteria, everyone is excited, Ruthie Jr. kisses Eyes, “Who Dat’s?” all around.

Starfish is heading into her blackout mode, so she stops drinking despite the best sleazeball moves Dom can throw at her. Lips gives us another of her Air Quote Words, calling him a “creeper.” Starfish leaves the bar with Dom, and Preston and Lips follow them and try to bring Starfish back with them. She’s having none of it, though, and Preston gives up and tells us he thinks the roomies are pretty much done with babysitting her.

Starfish and Dom arrive at another bar, and she suddenly decides to catch a cab home. Good to know that even when she’s blacked out, she has the good sense to grab her screwdriver and hop in a cab. Shit, you can drink in vehicles down there too? We have too many laws here. Also, way to strike out, Douchey Dom.

Preston and Lips are shocked to walk into the house and find Starfish already there, completely spaced out at the table. Jimmeh tells us she worries about Starfish’s safety when she blacks out. Dude, when even Jimmeh is worried about your drinking, you might want to take notice.

I would also like to express my concern that she may or may not be eating out of a radioactive bowl.

Lips is giving Meathead shit for being in a pseudo-relationship with Jimmeh. She fantasizes about being drunk in a strapless dress, then asks Meathead if she can read or be the ring bearer. He is squirming like crazy. Okay Lips, I like you too this week.

The girls are out at dinner discussing pregnancy scares and birth control when the conversation turns back to Starfish blacking out. Jimmeh is afraid she may get “taken advantage of” (read: raped) and Lips says if you black out all the time you have to really trust the people you’re with. Apparently all of Starfish’s friends and family black out, so she thinks it’s normal, but the other girls try to convince her it’s not. Jimmeh all Alanis on her and points out the irony of her having the willpower to not have sex, but not having the willpower to not black out.

Starfish calls her friend from home and says she blacks out all the time since she’s drinking every night instead of 2-3 nights a week. She decides to maybe think about kind of cutting back a little. Yeah, we’ll see.

“If I can cut back to 3-4 blackouts a week, I’m sure everything will be fine.”

So, it turns out that in addition to being annoying as fuck, Hair is also a bad roommate. Starfish tells us he’s messy, inconsiderate, and rude. She asks him when he’s going to do the dishes and he calls her Mom. She tells him it’s annoying everyone in the house, and he dickishly tells her he’s “not really worried about that.” Well, I’m glad he doesn’t mind being so goddamn irritating, because I sure as hell mind.

Preston catches wind of this and takes it upon himself to say something. He tells us if Hair doesn’t do some housework, he’ll snap his neck. Oh, if only. Preston tells Hair they’ve all done something around the house and he’s a bitch for doing nothing. Hair says Preston is a bitch “just in life.” Ooh, harsh words bro. Also, Preston’s rubber and you’re glue.

They bitch at each other for a bit, and Preston claims to have rubbed the underwear Hair is wearing on his nuts. As Hair heads into the confessional to rub Preston’s cigarettes on his ass, we hear the ominous sound of a toilet flushing. Preston has apparently peed on Hair’s toothbrush, and rolls his eyes over it while Hair giggles incessantly at how clever he is.

If this doesn’t prove his heterosexuality, I don’t know what does.

Out at the bar, Jimmeh is looking for Meathead, and despite the fact that he is standing right there, Hair tells her he went outside with some girl. Jimmeh heads out to look for him while he starts talking to another girl. Jimmeh finally finds him and marks her territory by grinding on him until the other girl walks away. She then dumps a beer on Meathead while Hair asks him how it feels to be in a relationship and Eyes tells us he may have gotten himself into a situation. Jimmeh, of course, claims it is not a relationship, but Meathead can only look at her and say “It’s starting to feel like a relationship.” It’s starting to look like one too. If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, clearly it’s a cat.

And now, they are giving us a joint drunken confessional. Jimmeh claims to have been trying to keep the fatties away, despite the fact that the girl he was talking to was not remotely fat, while he makes the crazy sign behind her.

I want credit when they use this as their engagement photo.

She says she’s protective on a friend level, and he calls her out for having some more-than-friendly feelings for him. She denies it until he tells her he digs her, then she says she’s never trusted a guy as much as she trusts him. He slurs that he’s “catching the feelings” (and syphilis, chlamydia, and herpes, no doubt) and she tells him to “Shut uuuuup” as they hold hands. They both claim once again that they are not big “feelings” people and he proposes… sex, of course. What else? Also, clearly this can only end awesomely, right?

Cut to the next morning, Meathead tells Ruthie Jr. that he “messed up real bad” last night. Awww, the grammar was nice while it lasted. Apparently those “feelings” he caught were more of the friendship variety, but he wanted to get laid so he decided not to clarify that remark. Oh, Meathead. You shall henceforth be known as Cheesehead. Damn, now I want cheese. Ruthie Jr. calls him out for wanting regular sex with Jimmeh while still being allowed to hook up with other girls. He tells her that’s why he loves her, because she knows him. Cheesehead! Don’t tell your roommate you love her! Have you learned nothing?!

Preston has apparently had a revelation that he should not use the word ‘faggot.’ It brings up bad memories for him from back in the day. Probably a good word to avoid. I have the mouth of a sailor, but there are certain words of which I am not a fan.

But on to things that are disgusting in a completely different way: In case you’ve forgotten, let me remind you that Preston peed on Hair’s toothbrush. Eyes doesn’t want to know, and neither do I. Although since his toothbrush is in that same bathroom, he did at least confirm that it was in fact Hair’s toothbrush that was the recipient of the trip to Urinetown. Starfish says it will be World War III when he finds out. Ugh, I am dreading the neverending word vomit already.

An unsuspecting Hair gets his first taste of dick.

So, I’m still liking this season quite a bit. Obviously I can’t stand Hair, and that’s not going to change, but the other roommates have enough good moments to outweigh the bad, for now at least. I’m guessing the toothbrush thing is what prompts Hair to press charges, which we’ve all seen in previews. Not sure what will happen with Jimmeh/Cheesehead, but so far I’m finding them amusing instead of annoying so I’ll take it. And I’m guessing we haven’t heard the last about Starfish blacking out. What do you guys think?