Real World: Cooke and the Bitchin’

When last we left our harried heroes, everyone was reeling from the loss of Adam and the prospect of a new roommate.  Or, more accurately, Nany cried and didn’t want a new roommate, and also Naomi and Leroy were friends with benefits.  And THEN… it was time for the newbie’s arrival.

Not since Oceanic 815 has one airplane held the promise of so much death and destruction…

We pick up right where we left off, and here she is:

Damn, even her hometown sounds like it’s having an identity crisis!  She’ll fit right in!

Oh, and what do you know?  She’s fun, and spontaneous, and don’t forget crazy!  Oh, and she’s a fierce athlete who lives and breathes soccer and is also known to “wreck bitches.”  Might I recommend checking yo’self in case you need to wreck yo’self, Cooke?  And last but not least, she is boy crazy (perhaps she can use that to bond with Dustin?).

Cooke introduces herself to Teacup, and they discover that they are both named Heather.  That is irrelevant to this recap because I clearly will not be referring to either of them that way.  However, it does make me wish I had seen Heathers so I could make some sort of comment here.  More introductions are made and a house tour is given while Nany and Naomi both give bitchy interviews about how they don’t want a new roommate, especially a girl.  Cry me a river, ladies, and then build a bridge and get over it.  Thank you.

Cooke asks what happened to the old roommate, and they gloss over it and neglect to inform Cooke that the bed she’ll be sleeping in used to be bloody and she might want to look out for broken glass as well.  Such considerate roomies they’re turning out to be.  Cooke is happy to learn that she will be sharing a bedroom with Dustin, as she seems to have fallen in lust at first site.  Dustin is unhappy to learn that she has 2 suitcases, since he has a lot of clothes.

Oh, really?  Cause I can’t remember the last time I saw you wear a shirt.  Not that I’m complaining.

The girls tell Cooke how much they loved Adam as Dustin tells us Cooke “has got a little tomboy in her.”  Takes one to know one, I suppose.  The girls talk a little and Cooke is “surprised” to learn about Dustin and Teacup because she “didn’t see Dustin with that type of girl.”  She sure does know a lot about these people from the minutes she’s known them and tens of words she’s exchanged with them.

Dustin is worried about what he’s going to do with a female roommate, but MikeMike points out that he doesn’t sleep in there anyway and Roy Lee gets him excited about the prospect of sitting back and watching the girls fight each other.  Awww, come on Roy Lee, don’t be THAT guy.  Dustin worries about sharing a bathroom with Cooke and whether or not the sleeping situation will cause problems with Teacup.  Roy Lee wonders why he’s bitching about sharing a room with a good-looking chick.  Dustin tries to get one of them to switch rooms with him, but they refuse to be split up and MikeMike refers to them as “Little Roy” and “Big Mike.”  Roy Lee laughs, then agrees and they bro shake.

I can’t help thinking the “big” and “little” are descriptions of their vocabulary, but I doubt MikeMike would be that mean to his BFFL.

Also, I’m not normally one for couple names, but I keep thinking “MikeRoy” every time I see them so I’m going to start using it.  Cooke sees MikeRoy’s room and wants to know why she gets the shitty room with Dustin.  Oh, I’m sorry, Queen Cooke, did they not properly prepare the palace for your arrival?  MikeMike informs her that they were the first ones there and chose it, neglecting to remind her that she is the last to arrive, a month after the others.  I mean, everyone knows that the replacement roomies get the shaft.  Tonight’s opening credits still featured Adam, did they not?  And they can’t show replacements in any promotion for the season since that would be a spoiler alert.

During that tour, Dustin tells the other girls that Cooke seems like the type to hang out with guys, and Nany says she can do that all she wants.  Dustin accuses her of being catty, and Naomi of rolling her eyes.  Ooh, someone’s trying to be the Instigation.

Cooke asks MikeRoy about the girls and they tell her the girls are all cool.  But Roy warns that when that happens, a voice pops up to say “Oh, we’ll just see” in a deep, gravelly tone that makes Christian Bale’s Batman sound like Naomi.  Meanwhile, Dustin tells the other girls that everything is fine in three’s, but the fourth one is where the problems start.  I don’t know about that, Dustin, I remember the third Spiderman and the third X-Men movies being terrible.  Also, I think the much bigger problem here is the fact that up until now, each girl had a guy roommate to hook up with and MikeMike as a spare.  Now, the girls outnumber the guys.

Nany calls Adam to tell him about the new roomie.  Blahblah, she’s cool, blahblah, Adam respects her because it’s hard to show up after a month when the other girls are so close.  They hypothesize that she will hook up with Leroy, presumably since Dustin is practically married and MikeMike is apparently unbangable.  They also agree that her level of instant comfort in the house is not good because she is the type to start drama.

Oh, how sweet.  Nany and Adam are worried about someone starting drama.  ”Hello pot, this is kettle, and you are one black mofo.”

Nany tells Naomi about her belief that Cooke will hook up with Leroy, and Naomi is not happy.  Apparently he can hook up with as many non-roommates as he wants, but add a roomie into the mix and suddenly there’s “no respect.”  That seems like a bit of a logic jump, but let’s face it- Naomi doesn’t care about the randoms because they don’t mean anything and she never has to see them once they leave the suite, but that all changes if it’s a roomie.  They claim she’s nice so far but Nany again points out how quickly she got comfortable.  They wonder if they’re the kind of girls that they don’t like, but quickly dismiss it.  Why, whatever could that mean?  Judgmental, suspicious, and paranoid, perhaps?

Cooke goes to get some food with Nany, Naomi, and MikeMike.  They ask if she has girlfriends from back home and she claims to have trouble making girlfriends because they’re “not blunt and honest” and “just stupid about it.”  And there is your first major red flag.  I mean, having guy friends is awesome, and some girls can be a pain, but if you’re unable to maintain a friendship with ANY girls, the problem is most likely you.  I would choose watching the game over going to the mall any day of the week, and I love my guy friends because we are so much alike, but I still have several close female friends and I wouldn’t trade them for anything.  And I’m incredibly wary of girls who instantly claim they don’t get along with girls.

The subject of Teacup and Dustin comes up, and MikeMike calls them “married,” to which Cooke says “We gotta break that up.”

*Cue record scratch.*

They all instantly tell her no.  MikeMike says Dustin will go nuts (truth).  The girls say they’re good/cute together (matter of opinion).  Cooke says it’s “lame,” which may be true since it’s Vegas, but so far it involves a lot less broken glass than Adam’s approach to Vegas.  Cooke tells us that since they’ve only been living there for a few weeks, she still sees Dustin as fair game.

Also, she cannot pull off a hair accessory like Blair Waldorf can.  Then again, no one can pull off a hair accessory like Blair Waldorf.

I hate these “coming up later this episode!” bullshits.  I blame Jersey Shore.

MikeMike is cuddling in bed with Nany and Naomi (awwww) when Dustin comes in and asks what they’re doing, so MikeMike says they’re having sex.  Dustin takes this opportunity to jokingly air-hump MikeMike, who promptly yells and tells him to get off.  Dustin’s sexuality is one of my favorite parts of this season.

Every episode is like a game of “Where on the Kinsey scale does Dustin’s sexuality fall THIS time?”

Cooke is on the phone with a friend from home (who appears to be female, by the way), and rolls her eyes at the female roomies for tuning out during sports talk.  Ummm, so?  I’ll admit I’m biased against Cooke because she was bitchy in some of the Dailies I watched, but she definitely walked in looking for reasons not to like the girls.  She says Teacup is “in her own world” and the other girls are gorgeous and it’s not fair.  Then she proclaims herself the “fat girl” and I lose even more patience for her.  Ugh, we really have to listen to this from a DIVISION ONE ATHLETE?  Some girls have genuine body issues, some girls just go fishing for compliments.

Nany and Naomi pull Teacup aside to tell her about the “break that up” comment.  We cut back and forth to Cooke telling her friend about it on the phone, as well as her intention to try to break them up.  Teacup takes it well and actually defends Cooke, saying she’s just coming in defensive and putting up a wall.  Oh Teacup, good luck with that mature approach.

As Cooke and Dustin head to their room so she can unpack, Naomi asks Leroy if he’s going to bang Cooke.  He denies it, but Naomi doesn’t believe him and gives him her “oh, right right RIGHT” shtick.

Meanwhile, Cooke and Dustin are fighting over closet space.  She tries to convince him to move his coats, but he insists to us that his coats are “no joke” and “very serious pieces of clothing.”  Oh, really?  Because my coats perform a standup routine for me every night.  Dustin’s must perform selections from King Lear or something.

Damn it, woman, there’s no room for your stuff in Dustin’s closet!  His sexuality might be in there, but who can tell when it’s filled with more skeletons than backstage at Fashion Week?

He also says the coats are like his “children.”  He and Cooke joke and flirt and Cooke takes this to mean that he and Teacup aren’t that serious and something could happen.  He definitely is giving off a flirtatious vibe.  Teacup asks Naomi again about Cooke’s comment and Naomi assures her that she’s not alone and they have her back.  I wonder how Teacup feels about this conversation in retrospect?

Teacup tells Dustin about Cooke’s desire to break them up, which Dustin denies as if he actually knows the truth.  Now he tells us that things are awkward with Cooke and with Teacup.  Dustin heads into MikeMike’s room to say he’s in a pickle.  ”Why are you in a pickle, Dustin?” MikeMike rhetorically asks us via the confessional.  He says if Dustin is so head over heals for Teacup, then the new girl shouldn’t bother him.  Amen, MikeMike, but Dustin does not have the social maturity to grasp this concept.

Teacup sits in MikeRoy’s room and tells them that she wants everyone to be friends since they all have to live together, and she doesn’t want that one comment to define their last two months.  MikeMike cryptically says that Cooke isn’t the one Teacup needs to worry about.  Roy Lee says they’re going to fuck and Mike says he thinks very little of Dustin.  Teacup continues to deny it and says Dustin and Cooke need to be friends since they’re roommates.  MikeMike tells us that he’s suspicious because Dustin has been acting differently and hasn’t been hanging all over Teacup as much, so he thinks she’s going to get hurt.  Teacup thinks everything will be find and Roy pulls out his “Oh, we’ll just SEE” voice.

“… And then we’ll all hold hands and skip through the rainbow forest to the chocolate river before we drift away on marshmallow clouds…”

Teacup tells Dustin about her various conversations with the other roomies, particularly the one with MikeRoy in which they predicted the demise of the Teacup/Dustin relationship.  Teacup insists that it’s not bothering her and she still wants everyone to be friends, which is probably at least partially true, but Dustin is not happy that her poor little female brain has had all of this doubt planted in it.  He’s particularly upset with MikeMike, saying that is what enemies do to people.

MikeRoy are discussing the situation in their room when Dustin arrives to join the conversation.  Roy Lee points out that Teacup came to them to talk, and they both agree that Dustin has been acting a lot different since Cooke showed up.  It quickly delves into the deeper issues between them, as Dustin accuses MikeMike of calling him out and MikeMike insists that it’s because Dustin is the one he has a problem with.  It’s mostly gibberish, but the gist of it is that they’re not friends and MikeMike doesn’t like Dustin.  Awww, Mike, just seem him for his entertainment value like the rest of us!

Cooke tries to get Dustin to go out with them for her first night, but he doesn’t want to because he’s bored.  That logic = rock solid.  He’s moping because he doesn’t have any friends, even though Cooke rightly points out that all of the girls are his friends and probably Leroy too.  He tells us he needs to remove himself from the situation and Cooke is not happy.

“Nobody likes me, everybody hates me, I’m gonna eat some worms.  Big, fat, juicy ones, long, skinny, slimy ones, I’m gonna eat some worms.”

The rest of the roomies head out to da (new & shiny!) club and are having fun.  Nany claims that maybe she didn’t give Cooke a chance, then promptly gets mad at her for sitting in Leroy’s lap and talking to him.  Naomi is also not happy about Cooke being all over her fuck buddy. Now, to be fair, Cooke is in fact telling Leroy that she eventually wants to hook up with Dustin, but the other girls have no way of knowing that for sure.

The next morning, Cooke tells us that she hates being the new person because everyone else has already formed cliques.  Teacup decides to make an effort to get to know Cooke now that Cooke knows about her relationship with Dustin.  Teacup tries to talk about soccer, but Cooke tells us that she wants nothing to do with Teacup since Teacup has what she wants.  I …can’t believe more girls don’t want to be friends with her?  She seems like such a great one.  ”Oh, you’re hooking up with a guy and I want him to myself, so stay far away.

Cooke asks Leroy for a shirt to borrow to wear to the gym.  Dustin wants to know what tone she’s trying to set by wearing Roy Lee’s Michigan shirt to the gym.  Well, Motown’s from Detroit, so maybe that’s what she was going for.  Oh, he meant that this is a social power play over the other girls, which it clearly is.  I mean, she’s an athlete who just got there the day before with suitcases full of her own clean clothes, so she’s clearly trying to prove something.

“So, if she gets to wear the almighty Michigan shirt, can I at least borrow your lowly Iowa shirt?  I’m jealous.”

Roy Lee and Cooke work out and discuss the Comment of Doom.  Roy claims it’s only Teacup’s business, and Cooke says she wouldn’t have said it if Teacup and Dustin were official.  He tells us that she shouldn’t have said it, but he’s not going to judge for eternity over it.

Naomi sees Cooke wearing the sacred Michigan shirt and promptly runs off to tell Teacup.  Teacup tells us that she doesn’t understand Naomi’s feelings toward Leroy, but she does know the Michigan shirt represents respect.  Or lack thereof.  Something about respect.  Naomi says she doesn’t care if Cooke is an athlete, she is from the Bronx and therefore an expert at hair-pulling.

“The Michigan shirt is MINE.  She can have Idaho, cause she’s a ho.”

Cooke then lotions Leroy’s bare ass.  None of the other girls witness this, so there’s no one to get jealous (or get angry on someone else’s behalf).  This makes it pointless, but for some reason we still have to watch it.

Cooke informs us that a few of them are going to Fremont St, AKA Old Vegas.  She says she’s into historical things and sightseeing.  MikeMike is happy to escape from all of the drama, and intends to have a blast.  And my, oh my, do they ever.  There are so many swirling lights it looks like an acid trip, plus Elvis and Marilyn sightings and even balloon animals!  Fun for everyone!  It does look like fun, though, and MikeMike is thrilled to have someone around who wants to do these things.  Sidenote: You can see the full video of MikeRoy riding on the motorcycle in the Dailies, and it’s awesome.

Cooke and MikeRoy have a nice meal at <product placement> and talk about Roy Lee’s adoption.  RL says he has a lot of respect for them for taking in him and his three sisters.  He also says he lived with a white family for two weeks in foster care before he was adopted, and he loved it because there were toys and bikes everywhere.  Awww, the thought of little Leroy playing with toys and getting all excited is seriously adorable.  Cooke says she likes hanging out with MikeRoy because the girls were sitting in front of the mirror for over an hour.  Mike says she still needs to try and Cooke says she is, but Roy Lee says she and the other girls are like night and day.

“Please don’t make me hang out with icky, stinky girls!  I don’t wannaaaaa!”

Bah!  Now they’re going on a zipline!  That was NOT there when I was, and now I want to go back.  Way to go, Real World, you have worked your tourism magic on me.  They ride over Fremont Street and it looks awesome and they tell me it’s awesome and I’m jealous.  MikeMike tells her it’s the best time he’s had in Vegas so he’s glad she’s there.  It is, as with all things MikeMike, adorable.

Nany says there’s a division between Cooke and the girls since she’s more interested in hanging out with the guys, and it makes Nany feel like the girls aren’t good enough.  Chill, lady.  Don’t be that girl.  Naomi thinks MikeRoy are traitors for hanging out with Cooke.  Something tells me these are exactly the reactions that Cooke was expecting and going for.

Out at da club, Cooke feels unwelcome, but Roy Lee assures her that he has her back.  Naomi tells us that Cooke is overstepping their turf, which she has no right to do since they were original and she was on the waiting list.  Once again proving that replacement cast members on the Real World totally get the shaft.  Of course, “getting the shaft” is precisely what Cooke is TRYING to do.  Anyway, MikeMike shows Cooke to the bathroom, but not before the other girls convince themselves (and each other) that Cooke “pointed” at Teacup before walking away.  The alleged point looked like this:

I think the real injustice here is that no one is concerned about Cooke’s webbed hands.  I mean, if that is what her pointing looks like I think the roomies should care a little about that.

Sidenote:  Do not Google image search “webbed hands” shortly before bedtime.  Or ever, really, but especially then.

Anyway, Naomi gets her panties in a knot over this great injustice that has been done to her precious Teacup.  The guys chalk it up as “bitches be crazy,” and unfortunately this is one of those situations where bitches do be crazy.  Nany and Naomi start yelling at Cooke in the club until Roy Lee manages to pull her away.  Cooke says she doesn’t understand since she hasn’t done anything to them.  Dustin tells Roy Lee that Naomi was pissed because she was jealous, and RL says he wants no part of that.  He and MikeMike roll their eyes at the whole situation.

Naomi and Nany head back to the suite to continue their fight, and Naomi tells us that if Cooke wants to be mad it should be at her since Teacup didn’t do anything.  She says Cooke should point in her face.

For future reference, THIS is what “pointing in someone’s face” looks like.  Just to clarify.

Naomi then decides it’s time to wake Cooke up, which she proceeds to do by standing over Cooke’s bed screaming “wake up, wake up, wake up, wake UUUUP,” getting louder and more high-pitched each time.  Wow, I would be PISSED if she did that to me.  I liked Naomi up until this episode, but this shit is ridiculous.  Naomi (and Nany) continue to scream at her about pointing and Teacup and yadda yadda yadda.  Cooke still doesn’t know what they’re talking about, but she keeps her cool, making the other two look EVEN MORE ridiculous, as if that was possible.  If I hadn’t seen all of her bitchy Dailies, I’d say she might be cool after all.  But I have seen them, and I know she’s loving the fact that the guys are going to be even more on her side than they already were.

MikeMike pulls Cooke out of her room and takes her to safety in his room while Dustin and Roy Lee hold the other girls back.  It should be noted that Teacup appears to be wisely avoiding this situation, which is both smart and the right thing to do.  Cooke and MikeMike conclude that the girls have had it out for her since the second she walked in, and she’s better off with the guys.

The next morning, Dustin tells MikeRoy that it’s messed up for Naomi to be yelling about Teacup when she’s really pissed at Cooke for hanging out with Leroy.  Roy Lee is baffled by the fact that Naomi doesn’t care about all of the random he brings home but gets so angry when he hasn’t even done anything with Cooke, and concludes that he will no longer share his bed with Naomi.  The guys think the girls should all apologize to each other.  Good luck with that one, guys.  MikeMike and Dustin make amends and decide the girls fighting will bring them closer.  Good lord, these two fight and make up more than Rammi… although thankfully with less screaming and crying.

Can we send Roy Lee to Italy while they’re filming Jersey Shore so he can destroy all of Ronnie’s things?  You know, to prove a point?

Dustin and Teacup agree that Naomi and Nany were ridiculous to wake Cooke up to yell at her.  Teacup claims that if that happened to her, she would not have just sat there and listened.  Well, where has that side of you been all season, Teacup?  Dustin points out that Nany is upset about Adam and Naomi is upset about Roy Lee, but they keep yelling at Cooke about Teacup, thus making Teacup look bad.  Teacup claims that if Cooke had made more of an effort to get to know the girls, they would have been more forgiving of her comments, but she doesn’t even answer when Teacup tries to talk to her.  Teacup says she doesn’t need to go out of her way for Cooke since she already has two close girl friends, but she’ll be civil for everyone else’s sake.  Then Dustin decides he’s had enough so he tells her she’s cute when she’s angry and the conversation is over.

Dustin then moves on to Cooke, telling her that the girls will forgive her comments.  Cooke thinks it’s unfair for them to expect her to reach out and bend over backwards when she’s the new person.  Dustin says both sides are waiting for the other to start talking, but Cooke says they’re just living together and they don’t need to be friends.  Dustin tells her that Nany is mad because of Adam and Naomi is mad because of Leroy, but if she can get Teacup on her side she has a shot.  He pleads with her to be cool with the girls even if she isn’t friends with them.

“Oh Dustin, Dustin, wherefore art thou boning Teacup?”

Cooke tells Teacup she’s sorry for what happened, and says Teacup has balls and commends her for handling the situation the way she did.  Cooke admits that she grouped all of the girls together, and Teacup says she understands that Cooke felt attacked.  She also says that she heard things through the grapevine but she wanted to get to know Cooke before she passed judgement.  Cooke claims that the comments were meant to be lighthearted and were made before she was fully aware of the situation.  Teacup says that she let the comments slide because of that and the fact that Cooke hasn’t acted on anything (yet).  They hug it out, but then Cooke tells us that while she’s okay with Teacup, she’s not giving up on Dustin because she’s used to getting what she wants.  So you see, Teacup is really the only decent girl left in the house.  She handled that situation as well as she possibly could.  Cooke, on the other hand, is one of those girls who thinks she’s above other girls, which is one of the worst kinds.

Coming up in the second half of the season:  MikeMike’s at the beach with a snake around his neck.  Girl on girl action, and it’s the hottest thing MikeMike has ever seen in his life (all together now:  awwww).  Adam’s back, and drunk enough to maybe puke in a taxi.  Naomi has a pregnancy scare and maybe gets married?  Teacup finds out that Dustin did porn.  And this time we hear her confirm that she knows it was with guys!  (Dustin corrected her:  ”a guy.”)  Then she cries.  MikeMike and Dustin fight some more.  Teacup utters these words:  ”You, I have no respect for, because, a roommate?  Really?  I would NEVER do that to you.”  Ooh, intrigue!

Ugh, this episode was annoying.  I think I’ve made my opinions on the girls pretty clear:  Nany and Naomi were ridiculous, Cooke is a closet bitch (or “sneaky bitch,” if you prefer), and Teacup did the best she could in that crappy situation.  I think it’s nice that MikeRoy had fun with and took care of Cooke.  Dustin is still ridiculous, and based on those previews I fully expect something to happen between him and Cooke.  I feel bad if Teacup ends up getting hurt, but honestly I think she could do better than Dustin so maybe that would be a blessing in disguise.  What do you guys think of the new girl?  And what did you think of the various reactions to her?  Could Teacup have done anything differently, or was she the only logical/mature one?  Shall we place bets on Dustin/Cooke?  And what did you think of the upcoming previews?