Real World: Daddy Issues

Well, I trust you’re all as unsurprised as I am that the apocalypse is not yet upon us, Gasmii.  The world will not end until Oprah decides that the time has come, at which point I suspect she will simply unhinge her jaw like a snake and swallow the earth whole.  You heard it here first.  But enough about that, it’s time to watch a trip to picturesque Cancun, sponsored by a soda that is the opposite of Moon Lift!

Previously:  Awww, remember when Dustin was going to be MikeMike’s “boy,” and then ToD-gate happened, followed by MikeMike learning that Dustin’s past include the prison definition of the word “boy?”  And then we learned that Dustin’s present includes the invention of the word “everdom?”  Also, Dustin lent MikeMike the shirt off his back, HOWEVER I have questions about the timing of that event, which I will address later in this recap.  Oh, and Nany has sent a PI on a scavenger hunt for her daddy.

We start this episode off by learning that the roomies will be concluding their internship by starting a charity, which will then presumably be run by actual working people and/or die faster than the average American Idol contestant’s career.  Anyway, MikeMike gives the pitch in a meeting since from what we’ve seen, he is by far the most capable of doing such a thing.  He discusses school budgets, and the fact that the first thing to get cut is music.

“I am very excited about this because I have never seen this show and therefore am under the impression that this job and this charity are real.”

So basically, they want to raise money and/or somehow get instruments donated to schools.  Apparently that’s as far as they’ve gotten, but they are very proud that they have “something to aim for.”  Naomi’s lover Phil grants his approval via the word “cool,” and the meeting breaks up.  Good to see they sorted all of that out.  I do approve of their idea, I just think they half-assed the execution.

As I said in the minicap, I realize there are a lot of bigger problems in the world (although this was filmed last fall, when there was a bit less going on than there is now), but this is a reality show and it ties in nicely with the fact that they work for the Hard Rock.  Also, MTV Networks owns VH1 and they’ve got that whole “Save the Music” thing that may or may not still exist, so there’s that.  Plus, I just think music education is incredibly important, and it holds a special place in my heart since my school district growing up happened to have a very strong fine arts program.  But enough ranting, I digress.

Back at the suite, Nany tells us that MikeMike is taking the leadership role in getting the charity started, as we get a montage of him making various phone calls doing precisely that.  Also, at one point he appears to be discussing recipes, which makes sense considering his close relationship with his grandma.

Does EVERYONE have a name that sounds like a stripper in Vegas?

Billy Joel lyrics are on the door!  Pardon me while I geek out for a moment…

Why yes, I do have the musical tastes of a woman more than twice my age (AKA my mother), thank you for asking!

At another meeting, MikeMike’s idea of naming the charity “The Gift of Music” is shot down in favor of Dustin’s “Let the Kids Rock.”  Although there is concern about the inability of orchestra kids to “rock.”  Clearly, they have never seen Led Zeppelin, the Who, or the Beatles performed via electric violin.  I have (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GAXKbdiKDiI) and it is AWESOME.  Also, I just learned that Jesse Spencer CAN get even hotter, something I had not previously thought possible.

Wow, that was a lengthy trip into the depths of youtube.  What was I talking about?  Oh yeah, orchestra kids can rock too.  Dustin jumps in with ideas about visiting schools to encourage the kids and what to do for the website.  They’re decent ideas, but MikeMike is not happy that Dustin is suddenly jumping in and throwing out ideas.  The meeting ends, and I see The Who memorabilia!  I am easily distracted.

On the walk back to the suite, Dustin brings up the high school idea.  MikeMike decides that since Dustin rained on his parade at the meeting, he should return the favor.  He says Dustin might not be allowed in schools since Googling his name will bring up his porn history.  Dustin brings up Adam’s juvie history, and MikeMike reminds him that juvie would not be on someone’s record.  However, MikeMike is still bringing up unnecessary things here, and it’s clear he wants to get a rise out of Dustin.  It’s the same as people who keep warning of the upcoming end of the world:  why?  How does knowing this help anyone?  They clearly want attention.  Also, this whole thing suggest that MikeMike is unable to discern between “porn star” and “sex offender.”

“Porn, juvie, pedophilia… either way, Grandma would not approve.”

Shock of all shocks, Dustin’s feelings are hurt.  Whatever, Dustin’s being too sensitive and MikeMike is taking out his frustrations at being overshadowed in the meeting.  I’m not going to defend either of them.  MikeMike claims he wasn’t trying to be mean or target Dustin, but the way he brings up the porn with such conviction proves that he said it to take out various frustrations with Dustin.

Dustin laments the situation to Teacup.  Meanwhile, MikeMike claims that Dustin hates him no matter what and tells Cooke all about how Dustin ruined his life forever by doing porn.  MikeMike REALLY needs to get over this porn thing.  Dustin goes on about how MikeMike wants everyone to thing he’s the nicest person who wouldn’t hurt a fly, while MikeMike calls Dustin a “master manipulator” and reminds Cooke that she got all of the blame for that kiss in the back of the cab.  Yeah, that was kind of bullshit, but right now they’re both just being a couple of babies.

MikeMike is on the phone telling a friend from home about his fight with Dustin.  He claims that Dustin angers him because they are so similar, but Dustin does not hold himself to the same high standards as MikeMike.  Well, someone certainly thinks highly of himself…

Though, to be fair, Trump generally doesn’t lord his moral superiority over others, just his overall superiority.

MikeMike claims that he needs to stop blowing up at Dustin.  That would be awesome, MikeMike, but this is early in the episode so your moment of revelation will end up being foreshadowing instead of an attempt to show that you’ve learned a lesson.

The PI comes over to meet with Nany and tell her what he found out about her father.  She is, of course, both nervous and excited to be receiving this information.  Apparently he lives in Florida and has been married since before he went to prison!  No wonder her mother didn’t want her doing all of this digging.  Also, maybe Nany can bond with the spawn of the Terminator since they have something in common.  Of course, Nany didn’t actually LIVE with her secret father all of this time, so there are differences.  Nany is surprised to learn that her mother had an affair with a married man.

The PI offers to bring a verbal message and/or a written letter from Nany to her father.  Nany thought she would be crying right now, but she’s too excited.  I suppose she’s just happy to have some answers, but she is disturbingly chipper for someone who just learned she is a bastard.  The PI leaves and one of them will call the other on Monday.  Nany tells Roy Lee that she doesn’t know what to write, and Roy Lee seriously could not care less.

“I ain’t listenin to no daddy issues unless I’m gonna get laid.”

Nany has written her letter for the PI to bring to her father, and it’s pretty much what you’d expect.  ”I know this is overwhelming… I look like you… If you dump me, at least I tried… Love always, your daughter Nany.”  That is a long time to love someone you may never meet.

The doorbell rings, and an unenthusiastic man hands them an envelope and leaves.  The roomies promptly commence freaking out excitedly, and we learn that the roomies favorite soda, the opposite of Moon Lift, has invited them to a beach party.  BUT!  They will have to spend a week in Cancun to attend said party.  TWIST!  Be careful Real Worlders, the last time this many people with daddy issues got onto the same plane, they crashed on a tropical island with polar bears that defied all conventions of time and space until it killed them all and sent them to pseudo-purgatory.

The obligatory screaming commences, led by Dustin.  I love how the roomies always FREAK THE FUCK OUT about their trips.  I mean, I get that an all-expenses-sponsored trip is awesome, but I tend to internalize my excitement.  Which is one of many reasons I will never be on the Real World.  Also, this is the first trip in a while.  They didn’t have them on the DC or New Orleans season, and I didn’t watch for several seasons before those, so I don’t know the last time they went on a trip.

Tossed Salad and Scrambled Lee.

In their excitement, we learn that Naomi has never left the country (because she’s from New York, and New Yorkers stereotypically do not travel), and Nany has never been to Mexico.  Teacup, for her part, loves Mexico.  Presumably they made the cast member get passports before this, otherwise Naomi is in for a rude awakening at customs when she tries to return.

MikeMike is making a T-shirt that says “I <3 Mexican Girls” on the front and “… or whatever I can get” on the back.  Here is where timelines come into question, because he was definitely wearing that shirt last week while cleaning his room before Ally came over.  Therefore, I want to know if Dustin lent him that shirt before or after (not really a spoiler alert) their big fight.

After a montage of shopping, mani-pedi’s, and packing, the roomies finally arrive in beautiful Cancun, Mexico (can I have a free trip too?) and are introduced to their <product placement> servant.  MikeMike, the whitest white boy you know, is dressed for… an occasion, though not exactly this one.

I’ll bet he’s the Speediest Gonzalez… in bed.

The roomies learn they are moving from one tricked-out suite to another (which I believe is the same suite from the Cancun season, which I didn’t watch) and subsequently receive cheesy duffel gift bags from Not Moon Lift.  This magical soda will also be throwing them a super-amazing-awesome-fabulous beach party!

WTF?  A Pepsi commercial?  What carbonated beverage am I supposed to drink, MTV?!  Make up your mind!  Haven’t you ever heard of conflict of interest?  I’m so confuuuuuused….

Next we watch everyone engage in water sports, flying from boats, and snorkeling.  We learn that Naomi cannot swim.  You might think she’s perpetuating another stereotype, but I’m pretty sure she’s Hispanic so in this case she’s bucking one.  And we all know how good Naomi is at bucking things.  Awww, Naomi slipped and fell in the boat!  It looked painful, but MikeMike helps her up and she seems okay.  That was pretty funny.

MikeMike conquers a fear of his by wrapping a snake around himself and taking a picture.  Yeeeesh, I am not fond of snakes.

Sadly, this is by far the most action MikeMike has gotten all season.

In the latest manifestation of their epic bromance, MikeRoy are buried together in the sand.  Cooke hangs out with them while MikeMike offers to go in the water with her in exchange for a lap dance.  Meanwhile, Dustin and Teacup are straight out of the Robin Sparkles classic music video, “Sandcastles in the Sand.”  (If you haven’t seen it, Youtube is your friend.)

“Eternity turns to black and white… It was the greatest week and a half of my life.”

Meanwhile, the N twins think she’s a fool but know it’s pointless to tell her that.  They’re also over the PDA.

Next, these lucky bastards go on a sunset cruise where Dustin and Teacup are having a romancegasm.  MikeMike doesn’t like that they only hang out with each other.  Methinks he wishes he could spend more quality time with Teacup.

Cooke asks Nany what’s going on because she looks like she’s “really thinking about something hard.”  If we ignore how perverted that sounds, I would imagine that’s not a common look for Nany.  Good god, Cancun is pretty.

Out at el club, Cooke has met an Aussie guy who is “pretty hot right now.”  I supposed he turns back into a pumpkin in the morning, or something.  Teacup narrates Cooke’s conquest of Daniel the Australian.  ”Slut!” she implies, but does not say.  Cooke mounts the Alleged Aussie (hey, it’s not like we’ve heard him say a single word) and they’re in the middle of getting it on when Nany and Roy Lee take it upon themselves to interrupt for shits and giggles.  Cooke invites her to join, but Nany surprisingly declines.  She then goes to get Roy Lee’s Vaseline at Cooke’s request.  Cooke then discovers that Roy Lee is also there, and everyone has a grand old time, although the Mute Aussie looks a little embarrassed about it.

Good lord, can’t a girl fuck on camera in privacy anymore?

At breakfast the next morning, Cooke says she expected better, but that may be because the Mute Aussie was having trouble keeping it up under the watchful eye of Roy Lee.  They tease her about her use of the Vaseline.

Back at el club, Dustin is muy wasted.  Cooke and others are annoyed by his obnoxiousness.

The only OTHER language?  What’s the first?

“Dustin is pretty intoxicated,” Teacup understates.  We watch him yell in the streets and fight with a cab driver and exhibit other signs of excessive drunkenness.  Luckily, they’re in the dangerous land of Mexico, where there are no laws and Marissa Cooper OD’s in alleyways.  Sadly, we do not get to see Dustin carted off to a Mexican prison.

Back in their suite, MikeMike calls out Dustin for his moronic behavior and Dustin threatens to put him through a window.  MikeMike wants him to just do it already and stop threatening.  This is probably part of his master plan to send Dustin home and seduce Teacup.  Dustin literally cannot form a response to MikeMike’s repeated yelling of “just do it!”  Did Nike sponsor this episode, too?  They continue yelling and the girls are hilariously trying to keep them apart and basically look like birds flying into walls.  Seriously, even Nany, the tallest girl, looks tiny.  Good thing neither Mike or Dustin actually wants to hit the other one.  Dustin threatens MikeMike with a birdcage for no discernable reason whatsoever before heading out to their balcony to stare off into the night sky and contemplate his life.

When we return from commercial, you may think it’s over.  However!  A LOST-style musical cue informs us that there is more drama brewing.  I apologize to those of you who did not watch Lost.  I know you are sick of hearing about it and thought you were done, but the one year anniversary of the finale made the internet start talking about it again so now I’ve got it on the brain and this episode is making it too easy.

Anyway, Dustin is yelling at MikeMike about their earlier fight about the high school again and is literally pecking at him like a chicken while doing so.

I wasn’t even trying to do this, I just happened to hit pause at this exact moment.  No words…

Dustin follows this incredibly homoerotic moment by shoving MikeMike and tearing his shirt off because he’s been wearing it for HOURS for pete’s sake and that’s just not how Dustin lives his life.  I think MikeMike says Dustin needs to go to jail, which is fine with me but only if the cameras follow so I can see.  Dustin then knocks over the chair MikeMike is sitting in.  There’s a lot of yelling and no one’s really saying anything, and all of the girls are trying to hold Dustin back until we end up with Cooke knocking him down and straddling him while yelling about him going home and having her crotch blurred out Snooki-style.  Then we get this gem from Dustin:  ”You broke my pants!”

Teacup takes MikeMike elsewhere while Roy Lee finally joins in by telling Dustin to “chill.”  Not that I blame you for wanting to stay out of it, Roy, but the girls probably could have used your help holding the guys apart.  MikeMike screams at Teacup that he’s tried to understand “that motherfucker” (ummm, motherfucking is not the problem here, MikeMike), but Dustin hates him no matter what.

Dustin is with Roy Lee and brings up the high school comment again.  He’s clearly hurt at the implication that he would molest one of the high school kids, and for that I could almost feel bad for him.  Even Roy Lee looks pretty saddened by this conversation.

“Wait… so… people who do gay porn can still have feelings?  Wooooord…”

Dustin is practically in tears and Roy Lee apologizes for anything he might have done but points out that Dustin was ridiculous tonight.  Dustin claims that if people don’t respect him, they must fear him.  Kind of like Oprah.  What about you, Gasmii?  Would you rather be feared or loved?  Ummm, easy, both.  I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.

The sun finally rises after this long night, mercifully, and it’s really pretty:

My goodness, what I wouldn’t give to be enjoying a crisp, refreshing Not Moon Lift on the beautiful beaches of Cancun, Mexico right now.

Dustin tells Teacup he was furious and wanted to hit MikeMike, but he knew better so he didn’t.  They discuss the severity of the argument and Teacup concludes that they will never be friends, which causes Dustin to pose the age-old question:  ”Who’s gonna fix his hair?”  Way to assert that alpha-masculinity, brah.

Roy Lee and the other girls discuss the fact that MikeMike knew exactly what he was doing and wanted to piss off Dustin.  They ponder the dramatic turn their vacation has taken and then a polar bear comes charging and Nany has to shoot it.  In 45 minutes, Roy Lee will arise from his bed so that he can make sure he is freshly showered for their magical-happy-good-fun-times beach party.

And oh, what a grand ole time it is!  Cabanas, drinks, random band MTV is plugging!  Oh my good lord, even the SONG is about Not Moon Lift.  Wow, bands today have such artistic integrity.

I hope this brief appearance on an ancient reality show was worth YOUR VERY SOULS.

Also, they’re in Cancun in freaking December, so despite their best efforts it is clear that this is a small party.  Hey, where did the girls get a cell phone?  I’ll bet they haven’t seen one of those in months!

“Hey guys, we just got a clue on our T-Mobile MyTouch LaserCat 3000!”  Wait, wrong show…

Oh good, MikeMike has decided to be a joysuck and whine about the fact that everyone is having fun despite the fact that he and Dustin fought the night before.  Mikey, I love you, but you suck this episode.  Cooke reminds MikeMike that he intentionally angered Dustin, and MikeMike wanders off to wallow in his own lonely misery.  Good riddance, rain cloud over the parade.  Someone’s getting his Not Moon Lift privileges revoked.

Roy Lee finds MikeMike pouting on the beach and, upon learning what his ailing his BFFL, reminds MikeMike that he knew he was going to piss Dustin off.  Mikey insists that “nothing bad was meant from it.”  Roy Lee says he always sees things from Mike’s perspective, but this time he can see where Dustin’s coming from.  MikeMike is furious because he insists that he has spent the past month trying to understand/be friends with Dustin.  Mike is also angry because he wants to tell Dustin he’s crazy and needs help, but can’t because when you say that to special little flowers it makes them wilt.

The roomies head back to Vegas and, upon arrival, MikeMike uses Cooke as his latest talking wall.  He goes on some more about Dustin needing help and being a caveman.  I do like that he calls Dustin “Princess Dustin.”  As they eat some <product placement>, MikeMike tells Cooke that he’s going to use this opportunity to “do some soul-searching” in order to determine why Dustin angers him.  Apparently this can ALSO be attributed to daddy issues, since Dustin is emotional and makes illogical decisions just like Mike’s father.

Oh, goody, something new and different for us!

Apparently growing up with an unpredictable father put MikeMike on edge, just like being around Dustin.  Well, at least MikeMike is valiantly trying to find some personal growth in all of this.  That earns him back a few of the points he lost this episode.  Cooke laments the fact that they will have to spend their last two weeks together with this overlying tension.

The roomies get ready to go visit a school for the charity, and we learn that MikeMike will be staying home.  Apparently he’s backed off from the charity a bit in order to stay away from Dustin.  He should stay away from Dustin, but it’s sad that this involves MikeMike giving up on something he clearly cared about.

They get to the school and tell a bunch of kids with string instruments about the charity.  As the kids play them a song, Dustin reminds us how hurt he was by MikeMike’s remarks.  He’s not a monster, y’all.

Next, we learn that Adam will be out to visit.  He invites them to come party in his hotel room since he is still banned from the Hard Rock.  Nany and Adam both reveal that they are horny, prompting Teacup to make a countdown to Nany getting laid.  What’s the matter, Teacup, you don’t want to relieve Nany’s sexual frustration again?  Nany is waaaay too excited and Roy Lee tells us she’s an idiot.  Roy Lee totally wins this episode.

This lacks the suspense of last year’s “Jimmeh’s First White Boy” prediction countdown.

What did everyone else think?  Did you hate that fight?  Are you excited for Adam’s return?