Real World: Drama Queens

Hey, remember when the story of the week was the royal wedding?  And then it was Obama’s birth certificate?  Yeah, me neither.  Point is, a lot of things have happened since we last spoke, but we’re just here to talk about Dustin’s gay porn past.  Literally, that is the only thing that happened in this entire episode, but I guess when Bunim Murray hits a jackpot like that they’ve got to run with it.  We’ve seen a lot in 25 seasons, so it’s rare that we get a new story that we haven’t seen before, and you just know they’re going to try to turn Dustin into the next (far less coherent, much more mopey version of) Pedro.  But we’re not here to take these things seriously.  That’s not what the ‘gasm is for, and despite my occasional slightly serious comments in the recap, we all know there are more important things going on in the world.  So let’s take a break from all of that and dive in!

Previously:  Dustin and Teacup just didn’t know how to quit each other.  Naomi and Roy Lee thought it was gross.  Teacup was scandalized to find out the Dustin had a threesome and had sex in a hot tub, neither of which is very scandalous by Real World standards.  In fact, if I recall correctly, the last Vegas season featured a threesome in a hot tub on the very first night.  Anyway, this made Dustin nervous to share his “web cam” past.  Teacup stated that she would not hook up with a guy who had hooked up with another guy (Teacup was misinformed, to say the least).  Cooke moved in and there was drama, but she pretended to be over her hatred of blondes after a nice bonding chat with Teacup.

In honor of tonight’s episode, let’s play “Spot the Most Phallic Hotel.”  I see you over there, Stratosphere!

A group of roomies are going to the Venetian, of which Naomi is unfamiliar.  ”A hotel,” “Like,Italy,” and “It’s a MALL” come the responses.  Cut to the Venetian, where at least one roomie appears to be pondering whether or not they have, in fact, taken a brief cab ride to Italy.  Also, Cooke tells us she “made up” with Teacup, which I neither believe nor care about.

As the roomies prepare to ride the gondola’s, they decide to put the three guys in one and the three girls in another.  Dustin is terribly offended by the prospect of riding in a gondola with one or more dudes.

“Hell no, I’m not falling for that one again!  Never again, in the history of EVERDOM.”

MikeMike is perplexed that Dustin thinks it’s gay to ride in a gondola with the other guys, but even Dustin can’t harsh the Bromance Buzz, so MikeRoy decide to ride together while Dustin sits this one out.  Once they’re on the ride, MikeMike puts his arm around Roy Lee and they pretend to make out and declare their betrothal (look it up, RL) while Roy Lee tells us that he’s terrified of all male-male contact and anything thinking he’s gay, yet he’s still partaking in this:

Turning the gondola into a gaydola… way to put Dustin’s fears to bed, guys.

Of course, I’m loving this because any MikeRoy bromance moment is great in my book.

Dustin’s mother calls to tell him how wonderful her life is, but isn’t happy to hear him tell her that she’s in the beginning stages of “racing.”  Which, as Dustin taught us a few weeks ago, is the most extreme form of driving.  Oh wait, this time it’s something else.  He tells us that’s what happens when a bipolar person is off her meds.  He also brings up her history in prison, which makes me realize that all of the guys have had parents in prison.  I don’t think we ever learned if Adam did, but we certainly know he went to juvie, and MikeRoy have both discussed their parents being in prison.  He insists that she’s racing, and she insists that she isn’t, and it’s sad enough to almost make you feel bad for Dustin until he makes his next weird or creepy move.

Dustin then has a talk with Teacup about his mother, and it’s one of the first serious conversations we’ve seen them have.  The others have been “Shit’s about to go down between Adam and Nany” and “I don’t want to be in a relationship, but we’re in a relationship.”  We get some footage of them at home while he’s telling Teacup about it and it’s clear that Dustin had some tough times growing up.  He talks about her drug use and leaving for the night while Dustin was home without a babysitter.  Teacup tells us that Dustin’s past is “complex” and she’s gotten “bits and pieces,” but she has “so much left to learn.”  Oh Teacup, you’ll soon be changing that tune.

You’ll all be thrilled to know that Adam and Nany are still talking.  We learn this because he calls the loft to tell her that people are “blowing up Zito’s blog” because of his porn star past.  Still no mention of it being gay porn.  Nany thinks Teacup is going to be pissed.  Adam tells her not to say anything, but she tells him she has to go so she can pass this little tidbit along to Naomi.

During this phone conversation, I honestly thought Adam was going to end up serving some kind of purpose after all by being the one to reveal Dustin’s big secret.

Nany calls Naomi into the shower to tell her the news.  Naomi is shocked and they both start cracking up.  Naomi wonders how one comes to do porn in Louisiana, but Nany reminds her that Dustin lived in the OTHER L.A.  Naomi says it’s hard for her not to tell Teacup, partially because she can’t keep a secret and partially because it breaks her heart and Teacup “deserves to know.”  Since Nany does not seem as concerned, this furthers my suspicion that Naomi is closer to Nany and Teacup individually than Nany and Teacup are to each other.

Funny how these girls who were so quick to defend Teacup’s honor last episode are suddenly so reluctant to clue her in on this major information.

Dustin heads off to take a shower and Teacup checks her email.  She has a message from her mother informing her that Dustin is on porn sites by the name of Spencer (the email actually mentions that it’s gay porn, but the highlighted quotes we see don’t mention it).  Okay, that is just FUCKED UP.  Dustin should have told her, the other girls should have told her (even though we don’t know exactly how long they knew about it, it seems like they definitely knew before she did), but can you imagine having to hear something like that from your MOTHER?!  Also, can you imagine having to tell your child something like that?!  This is all just turning out even weirder than I expected.

Don’t get those hopes up too high, Mrs. Potts.

Poor Teacup looks completely numbed by this news and just sits around staring for a bit.  I really do feel for her, because I don’t know how I would handle that.  She seems to have a really good head on her shoulders, but that’s a pretty weird thing to find out about someone and I certainly can’t blame her for needing time to process it.  Dustin finds her and asks what’s wrong.  She asks him if there’s anything important that he hasn’t told her, and we get a confessional of him freaking out that “she knows.”  He tells us he wants to panic and run, and then proceeds to do just that as he leaves her reeling on the couch so he can go eat some <product placement.>

Nany finds Teacup looking flustered on the couch and pulls her into the bathroom so they can talk about the fact that Nany already knew.  I’m just saying, if they’re supposed to be so tight, shouldn’t that have been shared?  Or shouldn’t Nany/Naomi have at least issued a warning to Dustin that they knew and he should tell Teacup before they did?  Nany at least acknowledges that they should have told her.  Teacup starts crying and says she wants to go home and she feels stupid.  Nany tells Teacup she shouldn’t feel stupid, it’s not her fault and it’s “disgusting” that Dustin could more or less be in a relationship with her and not tell her.

Nany says she knows the website and Teacup insists they go look at it right away.  They have to kick MikeMike off of the computer, but he doesn’t put up a fight after seeing Teacup’s tearstained face.  Although, he does stand awkwardly behind them until they ask for some privacy.  Good thing, too, because it’s projected onto the gigantic Wall Computer just like Adam’s (non)girlfriend.  In quite possibly the best line of the entire episode (solely because of it’s delivery), Nany slowly and awkwardly says “I think it’s, like… gay… porn.”

“I think I’m, like… Captain… Obvious.”

Nany says they have to erase their history (much like she erased her six-year history with her boyfriend for Adam’s charms), but Teacup says she’s not going to lie.  I’ll bet Dustin wishes he could erase that history permanently, but unfortunately the internet just doesn’t seem to work like that.  Teacup feels sick and says the person on the website is not the person she’s been getting so close to.  While Teacup cries in the shower, the other girls wonder why Dustin didn’t think to throw it out there that he did gay porn.  A fair question.

Dustin returns and says he and Teacup need to talk now that they’ve both had time to think.  Nany tells Naomi that Teacup should be done with Dustin because if he can lie to her about that, who knows what else he can lie about?  Dustin asks her what she knows so he can tell her if it’s true.  Teacup wisely turns it around on him and asks him to just tell her the whole truth.  Dustin tells her that he was approached after he graduated to live in a house with a webcam following him as he showered and did various other things, then he trails off and says he’s not good at explaining it.

“This one time, at band camp…”

He asks if she wants to be alone since she’s being weird.  She can’t believe he doesn’t think she has a right to be upset, but he can’t believe she’s that upset.  Dustin seems to think it’s unfair that no one was this upset to find out that Adam went to jail for being involved in a shooting.  Teacup counters with “You got taped having sex… It’s all over the internet!”  And I swear, I saw her look at the camera for a split second, so you know she’s realizing that this is going to be seen by many, many people that she knows.  Dustin then denies having sex on camera, saying he was just naked.  Two seconds later, he says he did, but it was for a different website, as if that somehow makes it okay?  I think Teacup’s point still stands.

Then she adds that “it was with guys.”  Dustin claims it was only with one guy, again as if this negates any of the points Teacup is making.  She asks if he’s gay or bisexual, and he emphatically denies both, so Teacup says she doesn’t understand.  Dustin claims that he was an 18 year old, fresh out of high school, and had no “road to go down.”  So, I guess those sob stories we always hear about porn stars and strippers are true after all?  Consider my mind blown- just like “Spencer”… hey-oh!  Sorry, couldn’t resist.  Dustin claims it was his way out and says he didn’t think it would end up the way it did and his “parents don’t even know.”  He tells her no one knows and it’s a big secret for him (not anymore!) and asks if she wants to know anything else.  She says no, so he leaves her alone to ponder this dramatic turn her life has taken.

I’m sure his mother will take this news extremely well.

The roomies are heading out to see Zumanity.  Ironically, this is the sex-themed Cirque du Soleil show.  I saw it three years ago and the only things I can remember are a guy stripping down to nothing but hiding his penis behind one of the girls’ heads, and topless girls swimming around inside of a giant globe.  MikeMike explains it wonderfully when he awkwardly says it’s about the “carnal intent of man.”  Luckily he doesn’t say this to the roomies, or else he’d have to define “carnal” and probably “intent” for them.  He then giggles as he tells us it’s the most sexual play that they have.  As we see some footage, I think I notice an Amazing Race crossover.  Look, it’s Kent!

Go ahead, prove I’m wrong.

Roy Lee tells us that he’s enjoying the female performers, who are in thongs.  Oh look, it’s the guy who strips!  Roy Lee is not as excited about this:  ”Disturbing,” he proclaims.  Why, whatever double standard do you mean, universe?  And the roomies get to participate!  MikeMike has to take a bite of a banana.  Dustin gets pulled onstage with some drag queens.  Teacup sits in the audience pondering their entire relationship.  Awkwardsauce!  (Speaking of awkwardsauce:  MikeMike and Naomi also got pulled up on stage, this can be seen in the dailies.)

After the show, Teacup tells Roy Lee, saying it’s so he will understand why things are awkward between Teacup and Dustin.  Damn, girl, I know you’re having a tough time with this, but can’t you give him like a day so that maybe ONE roommate can actually hear it from him?  Roy Lee is speechless, so Nany holds her drink up to his mouth to comfort him.  Cooke (Hey, remember her?) says that this is “out of this world” and she has no clue what to say but the drama over her crush has been canceled out by the “Dustin situation.”

Teacup wonders when, if ever, Dustin was going to tell her, if it would be two years into the relationship, after they got married, when their kid looked him up on Google.  Wow, Teacup, you have officially found a worse way for that to be revealed than finding out from your mother.  Then they hide behind the kitchen counter so Teacup can whisper about how she “can’t” date a guy who could kiss another guy.  Oh, and she’s pondering these things to Cooke, of all people.

“Right, so, are you done talking and if so, can I bang Dustin without the N twins busting into the room to yell at me?”

Dustin eats alone in his room while he ponders how to tell everyone.  Hate to break it to you, but I think that ship has sailed, bro.  He reminds us that Roy Lee is homophobic and MikeMike lives in a world that is black and white with no gray area.  Dustin goes into the kitchen and realizes that everyone knows.  He says panic starts to set in so he needs to get out of there, and proceeds to leave the suite.  Maybe you shouldn’t be so upset by everyone reaction to this when yours is just as strong, dude?  You’ve had years to process it (though you clearly haven’t), they’ve had a few minutes to a few hours.  Maybe if you could explain yourself calmly without freaking out, they would be calmer about the whole thing too.

When he returns, Roy Lee pulls a reluctant Dustin into the confessional.  Roy Lee looks at him and says his past is his past, but wonders how Dustin thought it wouldn’t come out.  Dustin says he knew it would, but he wanted people to know him first.  Roy Lee says knowing this will prevent him from gay bashing in the future?  Not really sure why he needed this turn of events to learn that lesson, but whatever.  Dustin AGAIN tries to pull the “I never touched a guy, I just lived naked in a house with other straight dudes and masturbated on camera.”  Bro, there is VIDEO EVIDENCE, you are not helping your case by lying about it.

Roy Lee reminds Dustin that he has frequently said being gay is wrong, and we get a clip saying that people were put on the earth to reproduce.  Okay, that is one of the STUPIDEST arguments ever.  For one, that may have been the case a few thousand years ago, but we are in NO danger right now of running out of humans.  Maybe certain species of tigers or something need to be worried about that, but not us.  Second, I realize that some people believe that as a religion, but that argument is completely stupid coming from someone who we have SEEN having sex with no intention of reproducing.  I’m assuming he and Teacup are using some sort of protection/birth control, but even though I can’t prove it you’re not going to convince me that he’s trying to impregnate her.  You know who can maybe use that argument?  The Duggars, and other folks of similar ilk.  Real Worlders (except maybe for MikeMike) need not apply.  (And you know what?  Even MikeMike said “sexuality exists in nature” in that clip, so even he doesn’t seem to fully believe that.  I guess he’s more of the “make love” type than the “have sex” type.)  Sorry, rant over.  That was bugging me.

“Only heterosexuals can have sex for pleasure, because maybe they will eventually decide to reproduce and then they’ll know how to do it.”

Anyway, Roy Lee says he’s not here to judge Dustin because only God can do that.  Then he tells Dustin to get on his knees and talk to God.  I’ll let that one go, it’s just too obvious.  Roy Lee leaves and Dustin says he’s “backed into a corner, not processing a thought” and “having a breakdown.”  Which seems to happen every episode, but this time it’s because of the gay porn thing.

Teacup comes in and Dustin thanks her for telling everyone.  She tells the half-truth that Adam told Nany so they knew before her.  Dustin keeps telling her to get away from him until he finally gets up and heads into his room saying he’s leaving because he doesn’t know what else to do.  He packs up a little backpack and Teacup hugs him and says she loves him before he kisses her on the forehead and leaves.

The rest of the roomies sit around as Roy Lee says they all care about Dustin and just need to pray that he’s not doing anything crazy.  Teacup says she feels selfish and the others tell her she shouldn’t.  Roy Lee and Teacup agree that they both feel sorry for him and angry with him at the same time.  Roy Lee claims nothing will make Dustin want to stay, and MikeMike dramatically says that Dustin shouldn’t stay because it wouldn’t be “in his best interest at all.”  MikeMike tells us that Dustin should go home, he’s lived a double life for so long and he probably never would have told the roomies if they didn’t find out.  I don’t know, I think the guys are overreacting a little.  I can understand Teacup being upset, but the other girls don’t seem to care beyond feeling bad for Teacup.

“Oh, I’m sorry, was I not supposed to find this hilarious when I found out?  … oops.”

Nany and Naomi do say that they feel bad he’s so alone that his family doesn’t even know and he has no one to talk to.  Roy Lee says they need to get to know him if he comes back, and Nany says she’s scared for him.

The next day, Dustin is still gone and the roomies find out more about Dustin from the magical internet, namely that he actually DID engage in sexual activity with other guys on camera.  I was under the impression that the whole thing spread on the internet during the filming of the season, so that may be why this suddenly became known to the roomies.  (The oldest article I can find is from November 8, so if Adam left around Halloween it kind of makes sense.)

“I don’t know what the big deal is… I’d still hit it.”

Teacup finally calls her mother, and cries while she tells Mrs. Potts that she was the bearer of the news.  Teacup wishes Dustin told her, and Mrs. Potts wisely advises Teacup to back off a bit until she knows more about Dustin, namely if he is still involved with the gay porn.  She gives some more motherly wisdom before they hang up.  Awww, Mrs. Potts seems like a good mom, no wonder Teacup is so down-to-earth.

Teacup tells MikeRoy that Dustin was lying about the “no sex with guys” part.  They make a couple of lighthearted comments to get her to smile before bringing up the fact that he lied to them about “everything.”  Teacup doesn’t want him to come back.

The other three girls are out at a restaurant (Jigga-WHAT?!  I had to do a double take at that one), and Cooke tells the N twins that everyone seems true to themselves so she can see why they would be annoyed by Dustin’s lie.  They seem to be getting along, then Cooke says she’s glad something drove them apart so they can all be together.  Not sure what exactly she meant by that, but I bet I can guess what the N twins think she meant!

Watch out Cooke, Naomi will shove that burger up your nose and pull your hair while doing it.  She’s from the BRONX!

Dustin returns and asks everyone to sit down for a family meeting so they can all talk about what they just learned.  MikeMike is still very uncomfortable about the whole thing.  Naomi thinks he’ll leave because he looks like a ghost.

As they sit down (the camera angles are tricky, but I’m pretty sure Cooke isn’t there), Dustin says he can already feel the scrutiny and he knows this isn’t going to go well.  That attitude will certainly help.  He gives them a version of what he told Teacup earlier, about not having a lot of options and this being some golden opportunity.  He says it started gradually, and some nice old man was taking care of him and giving him thousands of dollars a week.  Shit, where do I sign up for that?  Dustin claims that he thought he could hide it forever, he hid it from the girlfriend he had at the time and he was good at keeping it a secret.  Roy Lee wants to know who Dustin is.  How existential of him.

I know, I know, it’s a big word.  MikeMike will explain it to you later.

Dustin tells Roy Lee that being a garbage man doesn’t define Roy Lee, so this shouldn’t define Dustin.  Teacup then rightly points out that Roy Lee wouldn’t look at a garbage man and say “I would never do that, that’s disgusting.”

“But Geppetto promised to make me a real boy!”

MikeMike tells us he’s feeling a mixture of emotions, as if we couldn’t tell.  He tells us he’s not going to say anything during their meeting because it would be like kicking a dog when he’s down.  I must say, MikeMike’s reaction surprised/disappointed me the most.  I know he’s religious and all, and that he’s not a big fan of Dustin to begin with, but I still feel like he’s being harsh.  And you all know I have high expectations for MikeMike and Roy Lee.  Roy Lee is taking the whole thing very seriously, but he doesn’t seem to be as angry as Mike.  Nany asks Dustin if he regrets it, and he says no because he learned a lot.

“What is this ‘learning’ you speak of?  Doesnotcompute.”

Dustin claims that living in the house was innocent, but over the years he fell into some things he didn’t want to do.  Nany asks if he felt manipulated, and Dustin says no, his boss would NEVER do something like manipulate young boys into doing dirty things for money!  Oh man, then he calls his boss a “father figure,” on which Naomi promptly calls bullshit.  The roomies gently try to tell him that he was manipulated, but he’s still not getting it.  Naomi tells us that it’s sad Dustin considers someone a father figure who was “literally his pimp.”  Well said, Naomi, thanks for bringing your semi-rational self back this week.  I missed it.

Dustin’s next declaration is that everyone who knows treats him differently and he and Teacup would not have been together.  Teacup is distraught to know that their relationship was based on a lie and says this is something she deserved to know.  Roy Lee sums it up by telling him he doesn’t need to tell everyone he meets, but it should be shared before he gets into a relationship.  Dustin thanks them for listening.

MikeRoy are downstairs at the casino talking about how pissed they are and that they want Dustin to go.  Roy Lee says it will be uncomfortable for him and MikeMike says Dustin lied to them about everything and he has no respect for him.  Well, that is not new information at all.  He talks about the hypocrisy and lies and concludes with “This kid… is CRAZY.”  Well, he’s not exactly wrong about that.  Roy Lee acts as the voice of reason, telling MikeMike that Teacup is one who should be pissed, it’s not really going to affect them and they shouldn’t lose sleep over it.

“Oh no, I made jazz hands!  Is that gay?”

Back in the suite, MikeMike decides to write Dustin a letter to “get the emotions out.”  He says he’s angry at Dustin, but he still wants to help.  Oh, this cannot POSSIBLY end well…

… And it doesn’t.  Dustin is insulted by the letter and says it’s why he kept the secret for six years, and now he has to hear about it from six strangers.  For some reason, he bundles up his comforter and moves it into the confessional, even though from what we’ve seen Cooke doesn’t really care all that much since she’s only known him for a few days and probably still wants to bang him.  But if there’s pouting to be done, Dustin will be doing it.

Dustin and Teacup go get some food and discuss their relationship.  Dustin tells her he’s going to stay because he needs to go against his running instincts.  Dustin finally admits to being selfish and not really thinking about how this would affect Teacup.  She asks how he thought she would react, and he says if she found out through him she wouldn’t have thought it was a big deal because he could have “painted a better picture.”

A little late for that now, no?

Teacup says something about sex with other guys and Dustin AGAIN tells her she won’t see that.  She downgrades it to say “oral sex” and he finally agrees that yes, that happened.  He claims it doesn’t affect him, but she informs him that yes, it does.  She tries to tell him that his “father figure” was sketchy but Dustin takes it as her telling him what he did was wrong.  This clearly has little to do with what Teacup thinks and everything to do with what Dustin subconsciously thinks.  Teacup asks if she should get tested and Dustin assures her that it’s “the cleanest industry.”

Dustin asks her if it’s a big deal and she says it is.  He says he feels harshly judged, and she assures him that as a friend, she’s there to support him.  For some reason, this causes him to tell her she’s not the person he thought she was.

“Hello, pot?  This is kettle.  You’re black”

Dustin goes on to say she’s “one of the negative people.”  Wow, way to turn this around on her.  Way harsh, Tai.  He tells us they’re done for now because he lied.  He says he’s lost and doesn’t know where he will fit in anymore as he walks away from her.

Next week:  Girl-on-girl action, for those of you who are into that sort of thing.  Also, Naomi and Roy Lee have a pregnancy scare!

Well, the episode we’ve all been waiting for has come and gone.  Was it dramatic enough for you guys?  Personally, I thought MikeMike overreacted.  Also, Dustin’s a drama queen.  He clearly has serious issues, but one of his less serious issues is that he’s a drama queen.  I don’t blame Teacup for the way she reacted, but I’m surprised she didn’t get fed up with Dustin’s immaturity even before all of this came out.  Do you think Nany and Naomi should have told her as soon as they found out?  Also, how awkward would you feel if you found something like that out from your mother?  What did you guys think of everything?