Real World: Going to the Chapel

First off, I would just like to warn you all that if I seem loopy at all, it is because I am writing this while deep in a fondue coma, which (in my humble opinion) is the most glorious of all food comas.  Feel free to share your favorite kind of food coma in the comments.

Previously:  MikeMike vowed to stretch himself outside of his comfort zone, as long as it didn’t involve anything exotic like going to a strip club.  In Vegas.  The roomies had an “internship.”  MikeMike and Dustin fought.  A lot.

We start out with Naomi asking MikeMike to have a quickie Vegas wedding with her.  He says if she’s going to force him to decide, the answer is no.  Naomi tells him it’s on her bucket list.  Mine too!  I knew I loved her for a reason.  (Yes, I know it’s dumb, and it probably won’t ever happen, but I’ve got to have some crazy things on there.)  MikeMike suggests a fake wedding in the suite, but Naomi wants it to be real.  He says “bucket list” isn’t a good enough reason, but Naomi points out that he hasn’t accomplished anything on his bucket list.  She says if he won’t marry her then “it’s gonna have to be somebody random, and I would rather it be you.”

Naomi tells us that she would “never in a million years” marry Dustin, and Roy Lee is cheap and a mooch, but MikeMike has a bright future and is therefore the “perfect candidate.”  So, I think Naomi just played “Marry, Fuck, Kill” with her male roomies, and Dustin lost.  MikeMike says his grandfather told him not to get married or have sex with a prostitute (damn, his grandparents gave him a lot of rules), but Naomi insists that his gramps would be proud if he ever met her.  MikeMike offers to think about it, and Naomi says she just wants to be Naomi Ross.

Thus giving me flashbacks to the Friends episode in Vegas.  ”Why hellooo, Mrs. Ross!”  ”Why hellooo, Mr. Rachel!”

MikeRoy and Nany are in a car, where Mike and Nany tell each other they’re surprised by their friendship.  Nany asks Roy Lee if he thought she would be a bitch, and he says he thought he’d end up banging her.  MikeMike tells us he’s shocked by how close he’s gotten with various roomies, especially Leroy, Nany, and Naomi.  MikeMike tells the other two that he found out he and Naomi can have a mock wedding, and he’ll do it for her since she really wants it.  He describes to us as a “wedding play” and insists that he’s not signing anything.  Roy Lee will be the best man, as if there was any question.

It appears the car they were in was taking them to a radio station, where they promote a charity event they’re having for that organization they’re attempting to start.

Anyone else wish they would break into a three-part harmony of the Three’s Company theme song right now?  Damn, now I wish they would make a reality version of that show with MikeRoy and Naomi.

Anyway, MikeMike talks about a guitar they’ll be raffling off as we cut back and forth between that and Teacup/Dustin decorating the guitar together.  Dustin is moping about his vastly inferior artistic skills as compared to Teacup’s.  Dustin tells us that decorating this guitar was a bonding experience because they got to work on something together, and declares it their child.  Teacup is STILL not running for the hills, which I just do not get.

Dustin, Teacup, Cooke, and Naomi sit down to prepare for their live TV interview the next morning.  Naomi declares that there will be “mad people watching” (how do you know they’re angry, Naomi?) and if they mess up, their “lives are over” (because of how angry the people watching will be?).  Dustin will talk about the guitar that he loves like a child, and Naomi will talk about “truancy,” although I think she may be kidding because since when is that word in her vocabulary?  They kind of half get their shit together, but Dustin still has to try to convince Naomi not to go out since they have to be up at five in the morning.

Cooke tells us that somehow, she came up with the bright idea to use the blue paint they have lying around to paint herself blue.  So she and Naomi blue themselves.  They should audition for Blue Man Group while they’re at it, they are in Vegas after all.

I know MTV has gotten pretty unapologetic with their product placement, but this subliminal ad for the Smurfs movie may be taking it too far.

Dustin and Teacup return home from eating some <product placement> and Dustin is dismayed at the blueness of his roomies because apparently he hates fun.  Also, because they have to be up in six hours to go on TV, but mostly the first thing.  They attempt to go over their plan for the next morning again, but Dustin tells Naomi he can’t take her “serious” because she’s blue.  She stares at him and says “OK.”  He also says she’s naked, but she points out that she has panties on.  Teacup tells us she thinks they have a 50/50 shot at success the next morning, and it’s scaring her.  Luckily, Cooke and Naomi’s shower is successful, although they have left quite the blue trail in their wake.

The next morning arrives and Naomi practices her lines.  Cooke says she wishes she was still drunk, and Naomi says she wishes she was still blue.

This week, in our final installment of “Naomi Can’t Do This Because She is a Spaz/Clutz,” we learn that she cannot rollerskate.  She falls right next to one of the TV cameras as she tells us she shouldn’t be around all of this expensive machinery:

This must look like a minefield to Naomi.

During their segment, the anchor points out that Dustin looks funny in his short shorts.  Dustin plays it off and holds the guitar in front of them to cover it up, but you know he secretly wants to cry and/or threaten the anchor with a birdcage.  Oh, what do you know?  He tells us their first live TV experience is all sunshine and rainbows despite all of their fighting and being literally blue the night before.  Once the anchors are back at their desk, Dustin skates across behind them while shaking his tailfeather.

Looks like someone has gotten over his alpha male complex.

Naomi asks MikeMike about their marriage again, and he claims it’s not happening.  He jokes that he would marry Nany because of her smile and her long, straight hair, and Naomi keeps a straight face while she plays angry.  She’s really good at that.

The roomies head to their charity event, which has a roller disco theme.  They all have a good time, and Dustin waxes poetic about the guitar that he and Teacup spend half an hour painting together as if it is the crowning achievement of their entire relationship, and he puts it on both a literal and a figurative pedestal.  Dustin is devastated that it’s going to be raffled off.  Dustin tells us he is extremely emotionally unstable/attached to the guitar and “it hurts so bad to see it go.”

“I think of all the friends I’ve known… But when I dial the telephone… Nobody’s home… ALL BY MYSEEEELLLFF”

I think I really wants this episode to be a musical, for some reason.  Back in the suite, Cooke says they leave in 72 hours, and Naomi says they have to be out by Wednesday at 10:30 AM, so they have no time left together.  When Dustin points out that it’s Sunday, Naomi says, “I know, but after Sunday is Monday, and after Monday is Tuesday… and after Tuesday is Wednesday…”  Yes, and then Thursday, and I think you see where I’m going with this…

“Friday, Friday, gettin’ down on Friday…”  Naomi’s probably not looking forward to the weekend, weekend.

Leroy gets a phone call from his friend Vincent, who informs them that another one of their friends has been killed by the police.  Roy Lee is in shock for a minute, but after he hangs up he starts crying.  And I mean hysterical sobbing.  He can barely even get the words out to tell his roomies what happened.  MikeMike offers to go for a walk with him and then gives him a hug, and that’s where I kind of lose it.  MikeMike tells us it’s killing him to see Roy Lee crying.  No shit, dude, it’s killing ME, and I don’t even know the kid, I can’t imagine how his BFF must feel.

MikeMike says he’s sorry and Roy Lee says he’ll never understand why it happened and life is crazy.  Roy Lee says he needs to go home, and MikeMike says he understands that some things are more important.  Lee starts crying again talking about how he doesn’t even get to say goodbye.  He heads back to the suite and packs up some stuff to go home, I assume for the funeral.  Roy Lee tells us he’s grateful for his roomies having his back while he’s going through this.

Thankfully, it is time to move on from that sadness.  MikeMike goes to get food with the N twins and Cooke and they talk about leaving and missing each other and all of that.  He tells the girls one by one that he’s glad to have met them and he and Naomi kiss each other’s cheeks.  He then makes Naomi stand up on the booth their sitting in to “see how tall” she is, which she does.  Of course, this is all just his (pretty smooth, for him) way of proposing to her with a Ring Pop.

Careful, MikeMike, that’s going to make this marriage legally binding in Candyland.

“Naomi Defensor,” he begins (have I mentioned how awesome her last name is?), “you are a princess, you are MY princess… and I want to spend the rest of my life with your curly-haired self.  So Naomi, will you marry me?”  She had been repeating “yes” the whole time, but when he finally gets the question out she screams “YEEEESSS!”  Then she gives him her right hand to put the ring on, until Cooke corrects her.

Back in the suite, the phone rings and our newly engaged couple race each other to answer it.  MikeMike gets there first and it’s Roy Lee, who says he’s happy to be home and getting over what happened.  They agree that going home was the right thing for Roy Lee to do.  He tells MikeMike that when he gets back he doesn’t want to talk about it so they can all enjoy their last day together.

The roomies get ready to go out, and Teacup thinks they should say it’s Naomi’s bachelorette party so they get free drinks.  Naomi asks the house in general if she should wear her hair in a ponytail, and MikeMike calls out to tell her she looks beautiful no matter how she wears her hair.  Then he jokes with Dustin that he can say whatever he wants to her now as long as he ends it with “sweetheart.”  MikeMike tells us he’s sad Roy Lee is missing his bachelor party because the only thing more awkward than him hanging out with Dustin is him hanging out with Dustin at a strip club.

Which begs the question:  Where does “watching Dustin have gay sex on camera” fall in that spectrum?

They all get into a limo as MikeMike talks about how his grandma said he shouldn’t go to a strip club, and they tell him to get over it.  Wait, now they all have Ring Pops, is MikeMike marrying all of them?  When the arrive, it’s not long before MikeMike is bright red and hideously uncomfortable.  Naomi gets a lap dance from a strapping young gentleman as MikeMike retreats to the bathroom.

Dustin follows him in to check on him, and MikeMike says he’s just gonna sit there for a minute because he feels “slightly awkward and very drunk.”  Dustin asks what’s awkward and MikeMike says “they’re getting naked” as if that’s some sort of surprise and/or secret.  Dustin says he chair isn’t even by the strippers, so he doesn’t have to look at them, which satisfies MikeMike enough to head back out.  He does appear to be the drunkest we’ve ever seen him, though.  Hey, remember that girl he was dating?  She sure vanished into thin air.

Dustin tells him to get out there and smack that ass, but of course MikeMike doesn’t want to do THAT.  We get a montage of their “love/hate relationship” as Dustin tells MikeMike he’s proud of him for having the courage to try new things.  Dustin tells MikeMike that guys hanging out at a strip club is a normal thing, which surprises him for some reason.  He then tells us they don’t understand each other, but it’s cool.  MikeMike tells us that Dustin has a good heart, and he doesn’t understand him but he’ll try.  MikeMike suddenly cracks up and says they’re at a strip club as if this is news to him and to us.

You could cut the sexual tension with a knife.

Naomi practices her vows while Nany straightens her hair.  Naomi informs a giggling Nany that she had better take this seriously since it’s her wedding day.  Naomi tells us she loves her close friendship with Nany and we get a montage of them as she tells us their relationship is going to “continue to progress.”  Urban dictionary informs me that the proper female equivalent of “bromance” is “womance,” so I suppose that would be the appropriate term in this situation.  Those that viciously attack the new girl for no reason together stay together, it seems.  I have to give Cooke credit for being friends with them in the end, because if they came after me like that as soon as they met me, I’m not sure I would have been so forgiving.

MikeMike calls Naomi over to sign a handwritten piece of paper saying she’s not entitled to any of his “future earnings.”  He calls Cooke over to be a witness, although Naomi thinks it’s to translate.  Naomi whispers to Cooke that she signed her name wrong and not to say anything, which she doesn’t.

Well, it looks like we’re getting a bonus installment of Naomi Can’t Do Anything Right:  Wacky Hijinks Ensue.

Turns out Roy Lee’s plane is scheduled to land about an hour and half before the wedding, so they’re a bit worried about him not getting back in time.  On the way to the chapel, MikeMike tells Naomi that he will not consummate their marriage, but of course she has to confirm that that means they won’t be having sex because “consummate” is one of those fancy words.  MikeMike tells us that he can’t have sex with Naomi because if he did, he would have to do it better than Leroy did, and he doesn’t think that’s feasible.

When they pull up to the chapel, Roy Lee is waiting for them!  MikeMike is very excited and tells us he’s not getting married without his other half.  They go to pick out their clothes and Naomi heads into the dressing room to try on a dress while Nany and MikeMike remark that she’s probably going to try to wear the rented dress with no panties.  Ohhhh, EW.  Naomi tells us she knows this wedding is “kind of for fake” but it feels real and she’s nervous about MikeMike getting cold feet.  No, Naomi, this wedding is not “kind of for fake,” it is entirely fake but still very awesome.

Nany and Teacup are bridesmaids, while Cooke is an honorary groomsman with Dustin and Roy Lee.  Naomi walks in and the bride and groom take their place in front of, sadly, some normal guy and not an Elvis impersonator.  I think my Vegas wedding is going to be with a celebrity impersonator.

Glad to see this is one of those weddings in which the bride has slept with the best man.

As the officiator begins, Naomi decides that she wants to be called Princess Naomi.  Someone had a case of royal wedding fever well in advance.  I’m going to have to transcribe their vows because they’re just too good to paraphrase, but I HIGHLY recommend watching the Daily of their whole wedding.

MikeMike:  ”Naomi Haley Defensor, you are a princess.  Your strong will and unwavering desire for sparking things (Louis Vuitton) and all the other ridiculously expensive brands that I’ve never heard of before only verifies that you are, in fact, a princess.  I promise that I will work hard to somehow afford the lavish lifestyle you want to live, but panties must be worn in public at all times-”

This may be a dealbreaker for Naomi.

She interrupts him to say “except for tonight,” causing MikeMike to turn to the officiator and tell him Naomi is going commando.

Naomi:  ”To my beloved Michael Brian Ross, since the first day I saw you, I saw dollar signs in your eyes, and although you used big words I could not pronounce, I saw beyond this and looked towards our future together.  I appreciate how you were able to see beyond me having sex with your roommate all the time-” (cue Roy Lee pretending to awkwardly look away) “though I might be doing it again tonight.  With this being said, I love you Michael Brian Ross and I cannot wait to start out wealthy future together.”  None of the roomies can keep a straight face through this and I can’t blame them.

He pulls her Ring Pop out of a Not Moon Lift container (damn, even their wedding is a sellout) and puts it on her.  The officiator pronounces them husband and wife and tells them it’s time to kiss.  In what may very well be the smoothest move MikeMike will ever pull off in his entire life, he scoops her off of her feet into his arms and plants one on her, much to the delight of his best man.

That move may have just elevated this to best TV wedding EVER.

Naomi tells us it was a fairy-tale, dream come true, and Roy Lee hilariously fake cries.  Later, in the suite, Naomi wakes Roy Lee up because it’s her wedding night and she has to have sex with somebody.  Roy Lee tells us that since MikeMike is his “guy,” his “BFF in the house,” he will do everything in his power to destroy MikeMike’s wife tonight.  As always during Real World sex, we immediately cut to fountains.

Packing!  Naomi is sad.  They look at pictures from when they first arrived.

Totally forgot about the Disney Princesses on Ice costume!  Throwback!

Oh look, a picture from Adam’s last night.  Cooke sits alone and mopily says she doesn’t want this to be over because she just became friends with everyone.  It’s kind of pathetic in a hilarious way.

MikeMike is getting a tattoo, and he is just as surprised by this as anyone.  He says it represents how much more open-minded he has become.  Awesomely, Roy Lee will be holding his hand during this.  By the way, he’s getting “Veni, Vidi, Vici” meaning he came, he saw, he conquered.  Well, he certainly can’t get one that says he got laid.  We get a montage of MikeRoy moments as they tell us how happy/surprised they are that they’ve become such good friends.  The old MikeMike from the first day surfaces as he calls Roy Lee a “big, urban black guy” as if he’s surprised he could be friends with one.

Dustin is still desperately clinging to the precious guitar that he thinks is a child he produced with Teacup, and he works out a deal to get it back.  She seems to find this slightly odd but mostly amusing.  I’m increasingly concerned that she is not more concerned by this behavior.

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WOMAN, THE CALL IS COMING FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE.

After all of that, Dustin doesn’t even keep the guitar but puts it in a display case at the Hard Rock.  Dustin declares it “beautiful, it’s literally the most beautiful thing I have ever seen in the history of everdom.”  Damn, another throwback!  This season finale is doing a wonderful job of bringing things full circle.

More packing, and Naomi and Cooke hug while Cooke tells us it means a lot that she and the girls were able to because friends after the cattiness.

If you need help grasping this concept, please refer to this helpful visual aid.

Nany burns her picture of that guy she was with for six years before she dumped him after three weeks with Adam.  She tells us that she regrets coming in with a boyfriend, cheating on him with Demon, and wasting so much time with Demon.  Roy Lee says Nany has grown so much and he hopes she stays strong back at home and doesn’t let guys bring her down anymore.  It’s nice to see that Roy Lee is capable of being a good friend to females despite his womanizing ways.

Teacup and the N twins lie in bed together and talk about how much they love each other and not wanting to leave.  Also, we learn that there are mirrors on the ceiling!

Now can we get a little pink champagne on ice?

The roomies move their mattresses onto the bowling alley for a sleepover.  Teacup makes generic comments about not being able to believe that the experience is ending.  She and Dustin cuddle and say it’s weird to be leaving as Teacup tells us that she cares about Dustin and if they were in an ideal situation their relationship would potentially grow, but they’re too young to fully commit.  She tells Dustin that she’s glad to have met him “as a friend.”

Words which appear to have CRUSHED HIS VERY SOUL.

Dustin tells her they should “never say never” and then they get all smoochy.  Dustin, surprise, surprise, tells us that he has fallen in love with Teacup.

Sad music plays as the roomies sit around looking sad on the morning they have to leave.  Naomi says she loves MikeMike and she never would have expected they’d be so close.  Then she says he’s “a rare breed of male” and his future wife will be the “luckiest girl alive.”  It’s extremely sweet.  Dustin says this experience has helped him become more of a man and he’s more confident now that he’s not hiding behind his secret.

In a Real World rarity (possibly a Real World first), the roomies all leave at the same time instead of the usual strategy of picking them off one by one.  They all take the elevator down together as Nany tells us Vegas makes her feel alive and she’ll never forget it.  Roy Lee says he conquered Vegas and lived a young man’s dream.  Teacup thinks they should come back in two weeks and do it again.  On the way out, Dustin has to take yet another moment to say goodbye to his precious guitar.  MikeMike tells us he’s lucky and he’ll take the experience with him for the rest of his life.  And with that, the roomies head back into the actual real world.

Trail of Tears.

And there we have it, Gasmii.  Season 25 is a wrap, and it was a damn good one if you ask me.  Thanks to everyone who stuck this season out with me.  I don’t know what to say that I haven’t already said, so I’ll turn it over to you guys:  Favorite/least favorite roomies?  Also, favorite/least favorite roomie pairings?  Did you prefer Cooke over Adam?  What were your favorite parts of this episode, and the season as a whole?  Which cast member would you like to have a quickie Vegas wedding with?

I’ll be back with the Challenge in a few weeks, and those recaps will be up faster, I promise.  The Challenge looks good, as always, and I can’t believe they didn’t think of this format sooner.  I mean, pairing each person up with his/her respective “worst enemy,” AKA “someone with whom they have had varying levels of confrontation” is the ideal way to maximize drama, I just hope that CT doesn’t murder Adam.  Hope to see you all there!