Real World: Loretta’s Life Lessons

Previously:  Jimmeh and Meathead caught feeling (among other things, no doubt), Ruthie Jr. had a guy back home named Pablo and sang at an open mic night, and Loretta didn’t take any of Meathead’s crap.  And best of all, Hair made like the littlest piggy and went home to mommy, so he can go back to getting daily affirmation that he is, in fact, the prettiest princess in all the land.

The roomies travel through a gator-infested swamp, while Meathead claims he would wrestle a little alligator if given the chance.  Lips (and I) would pay to see that.  And lo and behold, a tiny gator makes its way into the boat, causing much ruckus.  Starfish holds him briefly, but is pretty freaked out.  I probably would be too, so Starfish gets a couple of points for doing that.

Don’t worry, he’s not half as dangerous as most of the guys you’ve met in New Orleans.

They talk about bringing the gator home and mention how much happier they are now that Hair is gone.  Add me to that list.

My, the turtles sure are frisky down in NOLA.  Well, as “frisky” as turtles get I suppose.

Also getting frisky are Preston and his newly minted boyfriend, Marty the Mute (aka Mutey), as well as Jimmeh and Meathead while washing the car.  Ruthie Jr. tells her friend over the phone that she and Pablo are good, and he said they passed the test of her being away.  Does it count as passing if someone cheats?

Anyway, as Jimmeh and Meathead engage in friendly horseplay, Lips tells us that they both showed up planning to “get so much ass,” but that was all lies and they apparently love each other.  She is so convinced of this that she has decided she must plan a house wedding for them.

This girl seriously needs to get laid.

Lips is dubbed the priest, and Preston the man of honor.  He happens to walk into the room wearing his terrible Lady Gaga wig at that moment.  The vows will include them promising to take each other “for drunk or for sober.”  The girls, minus Jimmeh and plus Preston, sit in the confessional to tell us about this wedding.  Meathead walks in to tell them it’s a waste of time because he won’t be there.  Ruthie Jr. concludes the vows anyway:  ”till liquor do us part.”  Meathead says he knows they just want to have fun as a group, but Jimmeh might think they’re really married.  Dude, I know she likes you more than either of you wants to admit, but she’s not THAT crazy.

Meathead and Jimmeh are in bed at night when he tells her she’s only good for one thing.  She says he’s terrified of his feelings, but apparently he does have them.  She knows they started on sex but she thinks it’s more than that now.  Yeah, but if he does have feelings he’s certainly not admitting it.  She tells him to man the fuck up and he kicks her out of bed.  He tells us he thinks she wants to be together, but he doesn’t want that.

Jimmeh gets into bed, then gets back up and goes back to Meathead’s room.  She starts wailing on him, much to the delight of Preston (who is apparently just chillin in Meathead’s bed) and Lips.  Meathead calls her a bitch and tells her to get out.  She gets back into her bed and cries.  Breakthrough?  I guess?

Well, that’s what you get for replacing her and her blurry nether region so quickly.

Every once in awhile, I’m reminded that someone actually has to take this raw footage, and get all up close and personal with it in order to blur it out.  And in those moments, I feel a twinge of sympathy for those someones.  I don’t know why this triggered it, but here’s to you, person-who-spares-us-all-from-sharply-focused-private-parts-on-reality-shows.

The other three girls discuss the incident the next morning, saying that she shouldn’t have hit him, but they understand why she did.  He abuses her emotionally, she comes back with the physical abuse.  These are all acceptable forms of violence.  Men physically abusing women- not okay.  Any other physical abuse, as well as emotional abuse between anyone, is perfectly acceptable.  Think of it as the Jersey Shore Effect.  Ruthie Jr. claims she would never let a guy talk to her that way (remember this later) and says he is a typical guy who doesn’t want her because he thinks everything is “easy come, easy go.”  Yeah, he’s probably a very easy cummer.

Meathead tells us he was domestically violated yesterday because he pushed Jimmeh past her boundaries.  He wonders why he has to deal with this shit because he thinks he shouldn’t have to.  Well, maybe you should be less of a douche?  Just throwing that out there.

At the soup kitchen, Loretta(!) surveys the roomies to find everyone but Meathead there.  She sits them down and says she wants them to spend 16 hours homeless in order to understand what the people they’ve been feeding go through.

Spinoff idea:  Loretta Beth Denberg, with Vital Information for Your Everyday Life.

Sorry, that turned into a Youtube tangent.  Where was I?  Oh yes, Loretta wants the roomies to have dinner at the kitchen, sleep outside, and then have breakfast.  She says they’ll sleep outside instead of in the shelter in order to get the full experience.  Lips says she needs to think about it because she doesn’t “do bugs” and “it’s not clean out there.”  Preston says a flat out no.  He tells us he’s fine with sleeping outside, and he loves camping, but he doesn’t want to sleep outside of the mission because it scares him.  Loretta tells them she’s asking them to do something brave, but they won’t ever forget it.  Starfish is really into the idea, and Eyes says he’s in all manly and hot.  She tells Preston to stop making that face because he looks like he’s been told he really is homeless.

Back at the house, Ruthie Jr. air guitars and tells Meathead she’s going to practice with a band at their house.

Real World, Real World, party time, excellent!

She jams out with a band called Flow Tribe at their house, and the song that we hear seems much better than the last song she learned.  At least it includes real words instead of words like “unbelief.”  She looks a lot happier too, as she harmonizes with their lead singer.  It just looks like a fun jam session.  She tells us the guys are helpful and encouraging and she feels a lot more comfortable.  It shows.  She says it would have been easy to give up after that open mic night, but if she gives up then everyone else will give up on her.  They’ve invited her to perform for real, instead of just an open mic night.  If Cliche is watching this, she’s totally ripping the head off of her stuffed animals and throwing them at the TV.

Starfish tells us it’s the night of the sleepout, and while she wouldn’t want to actually be homeless she thinks she can handle it for a night.  Are there people who want that?  I think that might have been a thing in the 60′s, but I doubt anyone actually wants that anymore.  Meathead tells us he’s not all about the Mission because he sees people there who are high, and he was kind of like them aside from that whole homeless thing.  He’ll go for the sake of roomie bonding though.

They get to the Mission and are greeted by Loretta, who tells them they’re going through the same intake process as everyone else.  They do seem to be in awfully good spirits for homeless people, I must say.

Wipe that smile off your face, you’re not buying Twilight tickets.

Loretta takes Meathead’s backpack, and when he tries to schmooze her she snaps at him like he’s a disobedient dog or something.  LOVE HER.  Awww, she picked out and washed clothes especially for them.  They sit down and pick at their (not terribly appetizing) dinner.  Oh, look!  Preston showed up after all.  He complains about being too big for his sleeping bag or something, and Loretta tells them that this is her last night with them, and this was the only gift she could give them.  She says she didn’t put them in the bunks because it wouldn’t truly be a homeless experience.  Loretta heads into her house with her dog and Meathead calls goodnight after her.

Meathead asks what time it is and Lips says it’s a little before 2.  He can’t believe it’s that early, and wants to go have fun.  He says he’ll boost her over the fence and they’ll be back before they get caught.  Lips decides to go but tells us she’s scared of getting caught by a lurking Loretta.  They hop over the fence loudly and run off into the night.  What assholes.  I mean, that’s expected Real World behavior and all, but I think you can all tell how much I love Loretta and I do not appreciate seeing her disrespected like this.

Pretty sure the true homeless experience would involve a 40 in a paper bag, not a cocktail in a plastic cup.

Lips says if Loretta asks, she’ll say that homeless people probably walk around sometimes when their backs hurt.  They arrive back at the Mission and hop into the backyard because Lips wants to make sure she’s back in her sleeping bag by 5.

Somehow, they’ve obtained a bag of flour.  Meathead convinces Lips to “flour” Starfish and Eyes.  This involves throwing a handful of flour at them, which promptly wakes both of them up.  Starfish doesn’t seem thrilled, but Eyes is angry enough to get out of his sleeping bag and yell after them.

He looks like he’s grown a set of old man mutton chops.

Eyes sneak attacks Meathead with some kind of sauce or something, which Lips finds hilarious since she’s the one that hit Eyes with the flour.  It was still Meathead’s idea though.  Oh, it was salsa.  But more importantly, Loretta has woken up.  She comes outside and asks where they got the flour while Starfish tattles that they ruined her sleeping bag.

Loretta sits Meathead down for some knowledge dropping.  She asks what was so bad about staying, and he says it’s not a true homeless experience.  Loretta tells him he’s frustrating because he could make a difference in people’s lives, but he’s a manipulator because he needs to control everything.  He says he needs to be in control because he’ll be lost otherwise.  I guess he’s talking about the pill addiction?  Loretta AWESOMELY tells him that if he likes his current self better than his past self, she’s hate to see what he used to be like.  He tells her about Jimmeh hitting him and admits that he deserved it.  He claims he won’t be a jerk to her again because now he’s scared of her.  I assume he means Jimmeh, because I should hope he was afraid of Loretta long before this.

The next morning, the roomies sit down with Loretta and she asks what they got out of the experience.  Lips says even though she kind of bitched out, knowing you never have a bed to go home to is “some serious stuff, Loretta.”  Like she’s the one teaching Loretta something here.  She gives them one final pep talk and says it was an honor to meet all of them.  They give (well, MTV gives) her a computer as a going away present.  Apparently hers broke.  She gets all tear eyed thanking them and I’ll be damned if I don’t just want to give her a big old hug.  They tell her that no one deserves it more.  Damn straight.

A rare moment in which I must live vicariously through Meathead.

Jimmeh goes to her therapy session and tells Dale about hitting Meathead.  Jimmeh says she knows she shouldn’t have hit him, but she surprised herself by getting so angry and she thinks it’s good that she did.  Dale tells her to direct that anger at her ex-boyfriend where it belongs.  Jimmeh tells us it’s been hard opening up about her experiences but it was worth it.  She tells Dale she should have said something to Meathead sooner instead of letting it build up until she hit him.

Meathead tells us the punch itself didn’t bother him, he just feel bad that he got her so upset.  He says he considers her his best friend in the house.  Then he attacks her with an entire can of silly string.

Ruthie Jr. is cleaning like a madwoman in anticipation of Pablo’s visit.  Don’t bother, dear, he will be in no condition to notice such things.  Jimmeh asks if she’s excited and she says she is.

Meathead asks where they’re going to have sex, and she says nowhere.  Well, that’s no fun.  He suggests the shower in Jimmeh’s room.  We learn that Pablo’s real name is Elie, which prompts Meathead to say “Yeah, I’d call him Pablo too.”

Ruthie Jr. gets dressed up and sings gibberish in the confessional about Pablo being on the way.  She stands outside on the steps and runs down the stairs squealing when the car finally arrives.  She and Lips, who is probably just hoping his friends are cute, greet them with hugs.

Take note: this is the most affection you will see out of Elie/Pablo.  That does not roll off the tongue as easily as JustinBobby.

Once they’re inside, Ruthie Jr. tells them about her singing gig on Saturday.  Pablo asks what time, because he doesn’t want that to interfere with watching a Michigan state game.  He finds out he can watch the game and meet up with her after, and looks completely unenthused.  Ruthie Jr. tells us that even though she loves Pablo, this performance is more important than anything right now.  But enough chatter, it’s time to go out!

At the bar, Starfish tries to tell Pablo that Ruthie Jr. wants him, but his response is that he’s not going over there.  Then one of his friends says that he gets more ass than toilet seats.  A feat to be proud of, for sure.  Pablo looks like he should maybe sort of try to care or something, but just can’t muster up the brain cells.  Meathead tells us guys think with their little heads, not their big ones.  Then he says he doesn’t feel bad for Ruthie Jr. because “she’s in love.”  But he says that last part in a nice mocking tone.

In a cab, Eyes tells Meathead and Starfish that Pablo’s friends said he is not being faithful.  Eyes is clearly unhappy that he can’t get any from her, meanwhile Pablo can get with her AND other girls.  Meathead tells us he’s not going to say anything to her because she would just get mad at him for it.  Ugh, so true.  I hate it when girls make our gender look bad.  In the cab, Eyes says the friends are cool, but Pablo’s just “this drunk guy.”

The next morning, Ruthie Jr. does the cab ride of shame back to the house.  The roomies thank her for joining them and remind her of her singing gig, which she apparently forgot about.

What’s with the giant alarm clock?  Is that for Meathead to feed to the crocodile after it bites his hand off in their wrestling match?

Pablo and friends come to the house, and they decide to go out despite it being early.  I don’t know what time it is aside from the fact that it is daytime, but it’s probably pretty early.  They go to a restaurant that doesn’t serve booze but allows it to be brought from outside.  Pablo apparently can’t wait to start drinking and asks for the nearest liquor store.  Ruthie Jr. isn’t going to drink now but is fine with Pablo doing it because she’s a pushover and an idiot.  She tells him not to overdo it.  Jimmeh tells us that Pablo can party, as evidences by his vodka at breakfast.

Cue montage of Elie drinking, followed by Ruthie Jr. telling him he can’t get too drunk.  I don’t know what she considers “too drunk,” but this fucker is dunzo.

The picture of sobriety.  On opposite day.

Ruthie Jr. goes to meet Flow Tribe, which sounds like some weird menstruation club or something, for sound check.  She tells the lead singer that they’re going to have chemistry on stage.  They jam out and she looks a lot more comfortable than last time.  She even remembers the words!  Though it probably helps that the words are not made up this time.

Jimmeh asks the schwasted Pablo if he’s excited to see Sahar sing.  He tells Jimmeh he doesn’t give a fuck but he guesses they have to go see her.  Fucking for real?  This fool is winning her heart over Eyes?  Good, she deserves him.  Eyes can do better.  Pablo hits on Starfish, who says she can only imagine what he’s doing back home if this is how he acts when he’s with Ruthie Jr.  My thoughts exactly.  Jimmeh says Ruthie Jr. can no longer give her crap about Meathead.  Hello, kettle?  This is pot.  You’re a pathetic pushover who has feelings for someone who treats you like shit.

The roomies try to get a slurring Pablo over to the singing gig while Ruthie Jr. gets ready at home.  She tells us she’s very nervous because it’s a big deal with a real band and her boyfriend is here.  She gets to the bar and realizes that Elie is “gone.”  She means drunk, but he SHOULD be gone from her life.  He slurs at her for a bit while she tells us that he doesn’t understand how important this night is for her.  Jimmeh tries to assure Ruthie Jr. that they have him under control, but she doesn’t think anyone can control him.  Eyes can’t believe that any girl would want to be with someone who would get that drunk before something important to her.  Ruthie Jr. channels her inner Sammi Sweetheart and tells Pablo’s friends to deal with him because she’s “done.”

Flow Tribe takes the stage, and Ruthie Jr. says she has to perform even though Elie is “completely obliterated.”  She says it’s going to turn into a mess.  Eyes tells us he’s worried about her, and goes backstage to find her and give her a pep talk.

Pull yourself together woman!  You didn’t see Kevin Bacon crying before the big dance in Footloose, did you?

Did you all hear that the guy from LFO died?  You know, the one who liked Kevin Bacon but hated Footloose?  Let’s take a moment…

Moving on… Eyes once again comes through for her, telling her to prioritize and forget about Pablo so she can go on stage.  Or she could forget about him permanently, but something tells me that’s not going to happen.  On another note:  seriously, Eyes, be more awesome.

Meathead gives another enthusiastic introduction and Ruthie Jr. takes the stage.  It goes much better than last time.  She looks a lot more confident and remembers the words.  She sounds like she might be off key, but I’ve never heard the songs before and I’m no expert so I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt.

Afterward, Ruthie Jr. says what many, many, MANY women have said before: she knows he’s a good guy at heart and that he cares about her, but it doesn’t look like that to everyone else.  ”Love” is blind.

Pick of the litter, this one.  I can hardly contain myself.

Preston, Meathead, and Jimmeh are all happy that Ruthie Jr. did so well.  Preston says he was afraid she was going to fuck up.  Jimmeh:  ”Speaking of fuckups, where’s Pablo?”  Good one!  Preston says he’s pretty sure Pablo doesn’t know what city he’s in, and Meathead says she’s an idiot for being with him.  Ruthie Jr. leads a very stumbly Pablo back into his hotel.  I seriously hope she dumps him after seeing this episode if she hasn’t already.  HOLY SHIT, WHAT A FUCKING DOUCHE.

So, like I said, hate Pablo and definitely lost a good deal of respect for Ruthie Jr. this episode.  Dear god, that was disgusting.  As for the Jimmeh and Meathead stuff, I don’t really care that much anymore.  I still like Jimmeh and mostly like Meathead, but it’s all just been beaten to death at this point.  And to end on a high note, Loretta is an awesome person, and I will miss her.  Would you guys have done the homeless night?  I would have, especially if Loretta asked me to do it.  What did you all think about everything?  Only one more episode!