Real World: Lots of Lady Parts

Before I start on this (well, last) week’s episode, I just want to say how much I enjoyed all of your comments from the previous episode.  There were a lot of intelligent, thought-provoking points made and people were able to disagree without being disrespectful.  We all know how rare that is, especially on the internet, so thank you for that.  If I could, I’d give you all a pat on the back and a cookie.  Unfortunately, the internet has not advance that far yet.  However, it has advanced enough for me to share this mug shot of Landon from when he assaulted a horse.  Yes, you read that right.

Which is funnier:  that his middle name is Arthur, or that he was arrested for assaulting A HORSE?  Kind of puts all that gay porn Dustin did into perspective, no?

Anyway, previously:  Cooke wanted to break up Teacup and Dustin.  Naomi and Roy Lee banged, but just for fun.  Teacup and Dustin broke up on account of him lying about doing gay porn.  And hey, Cooke made the opening credits!  But she had to get pushed in a pool to do it, since she is Adam’s replacement after all.

Awww, MikeMike is showing Roy Lee how to play the guitar.  Wait… MikeMike has a guitar and he was using PRAYERS and BOWLING to get girls?  He is not kidding when he says he doesn’t know what he’s doing.  Anyway, Roy Lee sings a song about banging a lot of chicks in Vegas, much to the delight of MikeMike.  Personally, I would have preferred a bromantic serenade, but oh well.  Plus, we all know what a wordsmith Roy Lee is, so the lyrics are wholly unremarkable.

“Some other folks might be a little bit smarter than I am/Bigger and stronger too/But none of them will ever love you the way I do/It’s me and you”

And I will now spend the rest of the season occasionally thinking of MikeMike and Roy Lee as Woody and Buzz, which is going to make them even more amusing than before.

In another corner of the suite, Dustin is on the phone with a friend from home.  Said friend reveals that he just found out about Dustin’s gay porn history 30 minutes ago.  Dustin acts like this is surprising and his friend should have known years ago, despite his many claims that he was incredibly secretive about it.  Such is the dichotomy of Dustin, I suppose.  They discuss the fact that his relationship with Teacup is done for now, as well as the fact that Dustin didn’t get to tell the roomie himself since they found out from people back home.  They conclude that at least everything is out in the open, so now Dustin can hopefully move on with his life.  He was able to get through it because he knows his “boys are coming.”  That’s what Dustin said!  Sorry, sorry, cheap joke.  I couldn’t resist.

Also discussing the Great Breakup of Real World 25 are Teacup and Naomi.  Teacup says she can’t be in a relationship with Dustin right now, and Naomi supports that decision.  Teacup laments the fact that Dustin was such a great guy (except for that time he continued to lie after being confronted about doing gay porn), but Naomi points out that Teacup was a good girlfriend too (until she went running for the hills).  Teacup tells us that if Dustin could lie to her despite how close they were, there’s no telling where his dishonestly would stop.

Dammit woman, it’s VEGAS!  Do something fun and worry about Dustin later.

Dustin’s brother and friends arrive and introductions are made.  Just as I’m noticing Dustin’s attractive friends with lovely blue eyes, Cooke tells us that she noticed the same thing.  Well, it seems Cooke and I have something in common after all.  They briefly bond over jobs having something to do with the armed forces.

They continue to bond out at the bar, where Blue Eyes reveals that he found out about Dustin’s past the night before, and couldn’t sleep all night because he hoped it was just a nightmare.  Cooke says it was different for her since she had just met Dustin and the other roomies took it harder since they had spent more time with him.  She says if she had a chance to hide a secret like that, she would.

Back at the suite, Dustin’s wasted and inviting everyone to sleep over, and MikeMike has a hole in his boxers.

“There’s a snake in my boot!”

That’s the most actions MikeMike has gotten in months!  Too bad for him, I’m pretty sure all of those hands belong to dudes.  The guys head back downstairs to get food or something, but Blue Eyes stays with Cooke.  She tells him she doesn’t like being alone in her room because she gets scared.  HA!  Can she teach MikeMike how to have some game?  They get into bed and start macking on each other, and we cut away to signs displaying various levels of innuendo.

There’s about to be a cock in Cooke.

Dustin Raccoon returns to his room, only to find the Gideon’s Bible.  Just kidding, he finds his old friend Blue Eyes naked in Cooke’s bed.  For some reason, he is surprised to discover that after spending the whole night flirting and then staying in the suite when everyone left, they ended up having sex.  Dustin tells us he’s taken aback by Cooke because he’s from the south, and Southern ladies do not behave in such a manner.  Well, Cooke is from the East Coast, and doesn’t he know we’re all just Jersey Shore clones?  Actually Cooke would probably be considered a MikeMike-level prude in the Jersey Shore house.

Naomi and Roy Lee start to have sex, but have to stop because Naomi is having pain in her vajayjay.  Also, she hasn’t gotten her period.  Also, they’ve been having unprotected sex.  None of these things could possibly mean anything is wrong, could they?  I mean, I’m sure he pulled out or something.  That solves everything.  Roy Lee asks what she would do if she was pregnant, and she sarcastically tells him she would keep it and call it Little Lee.  Roy Lee tells us that he’s freaking out because he’s never been in this position before.  He knows it’s his own fault since they’ve been having unprotected sex.  Looking at what we’ve seen from him, it’s more than a little shocking that he’s never been in this position before.

“And there aren’t a lot of positions I haven’t been in, knowwhatI’msayin?  To infinity, and beyond!”

Naomi sits down with Nany and Teacup to tell them about the excruciating, vagina-tearing pain she felt when she tried to have sex with Leroy the night before.  Hey, remember when Naomi verbally attacked Cooke a couple of episodes ago and Roy Lee swore he was done hooking up with Naomi?  Bet he wishes he stuck with that plan.  Naomi tells the girls that Roy Lee promised her she’s the only one he’s had unprotected sex with, but Nany remembers him saying otherwise.  Apparently, sex isn’t the only problem.  Napping and standing have also been painful/uncomfortable for Naomi.  I’m wondering if it will require waving a literal red flag in her face that says GO TO THE DOCTOR.

Dustin, while showering, calls out for Teacup.  When she arrives to see what the “emergency” is, he asks her to bring him a beer.  It turns out this is one of the early stages in his master plan to seduce her all over again.  Teacup continues to tell us that she can’t just go back to the way things were before.

Dustin continues his Gay Porn Torpedo of Truth Tour by logging onto the website to show his friends what it is.  This involved censored photographs, so does that mean they are seeing their friend in the nude in compromising positions?  I feel like that would be weird for me, to see any of my friends in such a manner.  They commend him on how well he hid it, and one of them jokes that they just thought he was a model with no pictures.

Hey, “model” could have been code for “waiter,” it didn’t have to mean “gay porn star.”

Blue Eyes tells him that it’s good to see him owning up to the mistakes he made when he was younger.  Dustin tells us he’s like everyone’s little brother in the group, and he needs them to help him through this and to help him get Teacup back.  They wisely advise him to give Teacup some time, but something tells me he’s not going to hear that too clearly.

Naomi calls up the women’s clinic to make an appointment, and reluctantly gives her symptoms after the woman on the phone insists.  Are you paying attention, kiddies?  If you have unprotected sex, you will have to tell a stranger about your symptoms over the phone!  The HORROR!  She tells us this has never happened to her before, which is just as surprising as it not happening to Roy Lee before.  She tells him about her appointment, and he says “That’s cool.”  She is not happy about his dismissive attitude, and he keeps insisting that he used condoms with the other girls.  She presses him until he admits that he took it off in the middle with “maybe one” of them… you know, that bitch whose name he can’t remember.

The N Twins talk about how Roy Lee acts like such an adult, but was so childish in this important aspect of his life, which is an excellent point.  Roy Lee constantly talks about being respectful and being a man, and most of the time he seems so mature, but this whole thing is just so plain stupid.  Naomi says she’d kill him if she was pregnant and had an STD, but then reminds herself that she is also to blame.  Nany asks why she isn’t on birth control, which is an excellent question considering how promiscuous we’ve seen Naomi be as well as our recent discovery that she also has sex unprotected.  Naomi then brings up the pull out method, so it seems my sarcasm from before is actually what they do.  What, did they skip sex ed in high school to hump under the bleachers or something?  Hell, in my school we learned this shit in the sixth grade.  In a surprising turn of events, it seems Nany actually did pay attention in sex ed, so she alternates between lecturing Naomi and being a supportive friend.

Out at dinner, Roy Lee tells MikeMike that he thought he was clean on account of his lack of symptoms, proving more terrible sex education.  My friends and I once had a discussion about whether getting an STD or getting pregnant was worse.  I won’t bore you with the details, but the potential of a lack of symptoms leading to serious complications from an undiagnosed STD came up at some point.  Roy Lee insists that at home, he always wears a condom, but he’s been careless in Vegas.  He says he fucked up, both by not wearing a rubber and by fucking random bitches he doesn’t know.  It’s good to see that at least they both know they’re wrong and are accepting their share of the blame.  He tells us he’s been freaking out, losing sleep, and having nightmares about the situation.

I’m sure MikeMike loves hearing about everyone else’s sex problems all of the time.  Poor Woody, can’t someone find him a Little Bo Peep or something?

Dustin asks Teacup what she’s doing, and she reveals that she has champagne because she and Nany are “really horny.”  They guys all wonder aloud why they’re going downstairs when the girls are about to get drunk in the hot tub.  Dustin insists that they’ll be back from dinner before anything goes down, and Roy Lee predicts that by then, the girls will have chosen each other over the guys.  Dustin decides to be supportive by lighting a bunch of candles around the hot tub for ambiance.  As they leave, he tells the girls not to do anything he wouldn’t do, which is wise because that still leaves the door open for same sex relations.

Dustin brings Teacup over to the hot tub to show her his lovely setup.  He tells us he did it to show her “what she had, what she steel can have…”  He says this to MikeMike at dinner, and MikeMike says he thought Dustin did it to see if they’d hook up.  Maybe he was trying to kill two birds with one stone?

Back in the suite, Nany is doing body shots off of Teacup and telling us that she’s very sexually frustrated, and none of the guys are even close to the type of person that she’d go for.  She saves herself for upstanding gentlemen like Adam, dontcha know.  Also, Roy Lee and Dustin are kind of off limits, and let’s face it, she’s not gonna go for MikeMike.

Back at dinner, Dustin says he hates liking Teacup as much as he does.  But more importantly, we get a nice shot of Blue Eyes:

Why isn’t he a roommate?  Can we send Dustin home and keep him?

Back in the suite, Nany and Teacup are commencing their much-anticipated hookup.  Dustin and MikeMike return just in time to watch, and I seriously think they’re about to pop loads off in their pants, they’re so turned on.  I mean, it’s pretty good, in terms of girl-on-girl TV hookups, I just think their reactions are funny.  Nany gets on the phone with Adam, and Teacup grabs the phone to tell him that she’s got his girl while she straddles Nany.  Adam tells her not to lay a finger on Nany, and she tells him it’s too late.

No word on how literally she meant that.

They hang up the phone and start going at it right on the phone couch.  It’s so intense that they have to pull a blanket of mystery over themselves.  Roy Lee is utterly shameless as he sticks his head right under the blanket, then tells them he can’t believe they didn’t include him.  Well, maybe if you weren’t boning their best friend, they would have.  Bet that arrangement with Naomi is looking a little more restricting now, huh?

They take it into their bedroom as the other roomies take turns watching from the doorway.  MikeMike declares it the hottest thing he’s ever seen in his life, and Naomi thinks it’s Dustin until the others correct her.  You think Nany’s hooking up with a girl because Adam forbid her from speaking to other guys without his permission?  I wouldn’t put it past either of them.

Teacup and Nany finish hooking up and get dressed.  Nany heads into MikeRoy’s room to find all of the other roomies minus Dustin.  They (well, MikeRoy) alternate between teasing her and telling her how hot it was.  She drunkenly claims they didn’t do anything, which cracks MikeMike up.  He then goes so far as to say that this wasn’t even on his bucket list, but it is now and it is completed.

Teacup, meanwhile, looks like she has the deadest dog in all the land.  She wakes Dustin up and pulls him into the bathroom so she can talk about how ashamed she is for… having fun?  Doing something that will actually get her screen time?  I always think of a third thing when I’m listing stuff?  She doesn’t specify.  She does, however, imply what we could have already guessed- that she and Nany did more than make out.

“I’m going to need every detail.  ’Dear Penthouse:  This one time, in a… penthouse…’”

Dustin points out the irony of her hooking up with a girl after she was so taken aback by his gay porn.  Uh, dude, I’m pretty sure a large part of the problem with that is the fact that you not only kept it a secret, but flat-out LIED several times when asked direct questions.  I think Teacup’s issues with the situation are a combination of the lies, the porn, and the fact that he hooked up with guys.  Dustin starts yammering about being on a boat with her, but does not mention a nautical-themed pashmina afghan so I find it hard to be interested.

Dustin starts playing the super-supportive boyfriend role, telling her he’s there for her and he’s sorry if it had anything to do with him.  It’s actually quite sweet, but I still think he’s weird and immature.  Teacup tells us that she thinks it had to do with Dustin and feeling vulnerable and hurt, but she doesn’t like that she dealt with it in that way.  Dustin tells her not to hate herself, because he’s been there.  She doesn’t think she’ll be able to sleep, but he assures her she will.  Then they get into bed with each other, which makes Dustin grin like the Cheshire Cat.  He thinks they’re going to get back together.

Come on, show, this is no time for a Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood crossover!

Naomi and Roy Lee sit in awkward silence as she emits general annoyance in his direction and he tells us he feels guilty and thinks he should talk to her about the situation.  She tells us she wishes he was being more supportive, but she has to be an adult and handle it.  Too bad she didn’t think of that BEFORE the unprotected sex.  Naomi heads to the clinic, a ball of stress and hair wrapped up in a colorful scarf.

Naomi tells the girls that her pregnancy test was negative (and adds to us that she is relieved because she would never want Roy Lee to be the father of her child).  She then tells them that the doctor told her she had an infection, but only the test can tell if it’s an STD or just a vaginal infection.  Damn, when’s the last time you heard the phrase “vaginal infection” used on The Real World?  This season sure is unique.

Dustin asks Teacup what she thinks about their whole situation.  Teacup says they’ve talked about it, but Dustin reminds her that she’s sent some mixed signals.  They discuss the general awkwardness, and Teacup tells us that she needs to avoid Dustin’s friendship, flirting, etc. so she doesn’t cloud her judgement or send him mixed signals.  She tells him she forgives him, and he tells us he can’t wait for her and he needs to move on.  Something tells me there is someone nearby who will be willing to help him with that.

Although, in Teacup’s defense, doing gay porn and lying about it might also be construed as “mixed signals.”

Speak of the devil, Teacup decides to confide in Cooke, of all people.  She says she’s trying to be as normal as possible without leading him on, but Cooke points out that he takes everything as leading.  Teacup says she still likes him, so it’s hard not to show it.  She says it would be easier if he had done something directly to her, so she would know she had to move on.  Cooke tells us that the Dustin/Teacup saga doesn’t make any sense and it annoys her.

“Her confusion/frustration over this complicated matter is so annoying.  Only I can remedy this situation by boning Dustin.”

Cooke takes MikeMike out for a Please Validate Me stroll, pointing out that Teacup can’t criticize Dustin for doing gay porn since she hooked up with Nany.  She dismisses the rest of the situation with “andyeahheliedaboutitblahblahblah.”  MikeMike agrees with her on that point, but cuts her down when she tried to justify Dustin’s decision based on the money.  MikeMike points out that Dustin flew to L.A. as well as Australia, which involved a lot of sober-thought, while Teacup had a drunken hookup.  They conclude that Dustin and Teacup will end up getting back together, and roll their eyes at both that and the Roy Lee/Naomi situation.

Roy Lee calls Naomi into his room and apologizes for not being more supportive.  He tells us he respects her and owes her this conversation.  He tells her this has been on his mind, and she asks why he didn’t say anything until now.  He says he didn’t know what to do, and she shouldn’t have to go through this alone.  He asks about a pregnancy test, and she tells him it was negative but she’s still waiting on the STD test.  He tells her that if he did give her something, it wasn’t on purpose because he wouldn’t have had unprotected sex with her if he knew he had something.  Well Gee Golly Leroy, that sure is nice of you!  Holy shit, I friggen HOPE he would not having unprotected sex while he knowingly had an STD.  Oh, by the way, his “unprotected sex with other girls” count is now at 2-3.  We started this episode at 0, then it was 1, now it’s 2-3.  Can’t wait to see how high that one gets (TWSS).  I do believe they mentioned in the After Show that the condoms were being used, and MikeMike said it wasn’t him, so I guess he does protect himself sometimes.  He concludes by apologizing to Naomi for being a child instead of a man.

Meanwhile, Naomi is glad Roy Lee is back to being an adult so she doesn’t have to feel like a pedophile any more.

Coming back from commercial, we get shots of signs that say “Get Around” and “Press Your Luck” as a nice, succinct summation of Naomi and Roy Lee’s drama.  Naomi gets a call from the doctor, who tells her she was negative for the STD’s they tested her for.  That does not sound definitive enough to be comforting, but Naomi is happy and tells us it’s just a vaginal infection.  I bet very few people are ever this happy to have a vaginal infection.

Naomi shares her relief with Nany and tells us that she learned her lesson and will never have unprotected sex again.  She calls Roy Lee into the confessional and tries to mess with him, but she can’t keep a straight face.  She tells him the news and they hug in relief.  Roy Lee tells us he wants to cry.

Damn, under different circumstances, this would be so romantic.

Roy Lee shares the good news with the guys and they agree that they would all be more worried about the pregnancy since STD’s have signs.  Yes, MOST of the time.  Maybe I’m just a pessimist, but I would not be convinced solely by that.  MikeMike is horrified to learn that an STD test for men involves having something put in his peehole and declares that he will never have unprotected sex.  Roy Lee says if he did have an STD, he would have been kind enough to call the other ladies he may have infected.  Well, that’s very thoughtful of him.  He tells us that he will always love women, but maybe he should slow down a bit and be more careful.  He claims he’s learned his lesson, and hopefully he has passed it along to impressionable young viewers.

The roomies head out into the desert to ride a MASSIVE zipline that looks crazy fun and has a sick view.  Roy Lee and Naomi are scared, but everyone does it.  Also, for some reason we get pointless narration about the lust triangle between Dustin, Teacup, and Cooke.

Cooke, Dustin and Roy Lee head out to a different club without the other roomies.  Dustin tells us he’s looking out for himself and Cooke tells us she’s having fun and they can be themselves and do what they want to do.  I’m sure none of you will be surprised to learn that “what they want to do” includes a lot of flirtation and seductive dancing.  Cooke tells us she had a crush on Dustin since the start, and now that he’s single he’s fair game.  Her flirtation technique seems to consist solely of smiling while sticking her tongue out at him.

Maybe she thinks that’s how the French do it?

Roy Lee notices this and encourages Dustin to kiss Cooke.  He keeps refusing, insisting that she only wants to tease him.  Haha, even he can’t possibly believe that.  Dustin wants it badly, too.  He tells us he’s tempted, and finally Roy Lee’s insistence gets Dustin to kiss Cooke in the back of their cab.  When they pull away, Roy Lee tells them to wait until Teacup is asleep and not to make a lot of noise, he won’t say anything.

Back at the Hard Rock, Dustin and Cooke are grabbing some grub when the other three girls arrive.  They all say hi and join them, and for some reason Naomi finds the fact that they were there suspicious.

In the suite, Cooke can’t stop giggling while Dustin keeps telling her to put her game face on.  He tells us all he can think about is how much trouble he’s in.  They surprisingly get into their own separate beds, which is a good thing because Teacup arrives to babble drunkenly at them until Naomi comes to distract her.  Cooke, for some reason, has decided that she is the good guy in all of this for taking Dustin off of Teacup’s hands.  Good lord, woman, do what you want to do, but stop acting like you’re everyone’s angel sent from heaven.

“I totally came in here for a reason other than the fact that I am drunk!  Look at my, um… knee!”

Next week:  Lots of drama about that damn kiss.

So, so sorry for the late recap this week guys.  But what did you think of this episode?  Do you think Naomi and Roy Lee learned a lesson?  Did Cooke and Dustin cross a line?  Did you think the Teacup/Nany hookup was hot?  Did you understand Teacup’s reaction afterward?  Talk to me!