Real World Recap: Drunk on the Fourth of July

Previously:  Frank creepily hit on Alexandra TO her boyfriend.  Figure that one out.  Said boyfriend was also experiencing separation anxiety.  Frank had gay sex, causing Nate to freak out, causing Frank to melt down, causing the girls to tell him he needs to chill out.  Frank decided to go to therapy and slow down on the drinking, and he and Nate made up (but they didn’t KISS and make up, so don’t go thinking anything weird like that happened).

Frank goes to his first therapy session and tells us he’s embarrassed that he’s reached the point of needing professional help.

Right, seeking help is the embarrassing part.  Great message.

The therapist starts by bringing out Frank’s “crazy test” with all of its “crazy questions.”

Keep saying “crazy,” therapist dude.  Frank will love that.

The therapist tells Frank he’s smart, sensitive, high energy, independent (really?), and excitement seeking, but he’s going through life “a little on edge.”  Holy understatement, therapist man!  Frank talks about his meltdown that resulted from his roommates being uncomfortable with his sexuality.  He says he’s confident that he can control himself and that his issues are not with drinking, but with some of his housemates.  He also says he knows he’s out if he screws up again.  Methinks production might have interfered with this.

Therapist dude says his job is to help Frank’s articulate self resolve his conflicts better, without resorting to violence.  Frank tells us he realizes he needs to stop making conflict out of nothing and being so defensive.  He’s hopeful that this will help, and I’ll believe it when I see it.

The roomies are all out on a boat (motherfucker, don’t you ever forget), and Nate is holding fish or something up in the air when a seagull swoops down and eats it out of his hand.  Nate jumps around like the five-year-old he often is and yells that he just “fed a birdie!”

He’s got his swim trunks, but not his flippy floppies.  And sadly, there is nary a nautical-theme pashmina afghan in sight.

They are going deep sea fishing.  I hope they know fishing is for sport only, not food.  Nate eats some nasty live fish and promptly pukes.  Sam tells us that is not good sushi.

Everyone exclaims over a bunch of fish jumping and maybe a dolphin?  It’s hard to tell what was going on, but it looked like fun.  Everyone fishes and apparently the girls caught many fish, while Zach caught seaweed.  Bubbles takes much delight in this.  Are they going to be this fascinating all season?

Nate eats more gross things and pukes again, while Frank tells us that Nate is a goofball and he enjoys the show.  Hey, a whale!  That is cool.  Back at the house, Frank laughs at Nate’s sunburn.

Which is so drastically different from Nate’s usual skin tone.

Sam is surprised to learn that Nate wants to go to the gay bar with her and Frank.  Nate says he needs to stare the beast right in the mouth, which is a hilarious choice of words.

They arrive at the bar, where Nate sees a “dude… in a nanner hammock, dancing around, being… gay.”  Well, fancy that!  Who would’ve guessed?  A guy says hello to Nate, who promptly and repetitively says that he’s not gay.  Frank, meanwhile, has been flirting with a guy but says he has to leave to find his buddy.  The guy asks for a goodbye kiss, which Frank plants on him at the EXACT TIME Nate happens to walk over.  Nate of course, freaks out for the billionth time.

Nate heads to the bar, where a guy offers to buy him a shot and is promptly met with yet another “I’m not gay.”  In the process of getting bombed, Nate managed to meet two girls and convince them to take him home.  Sam and Prissy are both impressed.  Nate takes them to the confessional, where they draw all over his face with a marker.  They decide he’s awesome and he gets a phone number for his troubles.

“You didn’t draw a penis on my face, didjoo?  ’Cause I’m totally not gay.”

Sam tells us that “hammered” is the only possible way to describe Nate’s state right now, and the girls thank her for kicking them out quietly.  Sam is so over it.  I think she’s this season’s barometer for the rational approach to whatever’s going on in the house, like MikeRoy was last season.

The girls, including Sam, all go out for some mani/pedi bonding time.  This is convenient for Alex because Byron is coming for a visit, so she will be “dolled up.”  Prissy talks about not liking her boyfriend until they ignored her, then suddenly being interested.  Sam says that even though she’s not girly, she likes this stuff, and she and her dad get mani/pedi’s together.  Prissy loves that Sam is up for having a girls’ day even though she’s not girly.  Well, duh.  Sam is awesome.  Plus, who doesn’t like a nice hand/foot massage from a stranger?

Or it’s just Step 1 of her master plan to seduce you.  Sam has mad game, yo.

Alex tells us that she and Byron are used to being together 24/7, so the separation has been hard on them.  Good lord, that sounds suffocating.  I know, I know, different strokes and all that, but still.  Alex misses the little things like holding hands, and says they’ve been getting into fights over little things the past few weeks, so she thinks the visit will help.

Byron arrives with flowers and they hug and breathe each other in and all that lovey-dovey stuff.  Apparently they missed each other.  They sit on the roof while Byron plays his guitar and Alex sings about sitting on the roof with her boyfriend.  She acknowledges that freestyling is not her strong suit, so don’t expect to see her in 9 Mile, or whatever they would call a sequel to 8 Mile.  Hey, I can’t freestyle either, apparently.

They go for a walk and buy some popsicles from a ice cream truck.  Byron refuses to hold her hand because it’s all sticky (from the popsicle, you pervs).  Alex is offended and says he refused to hold it even before she had the popsicle, but we don’t get the distinct pleasure of hearing her whine about it until after the popsicle.

Maybe it was sticky then for other reasons?  Although in that case they should both be in a better mood.

Alex tells us they’ve been getting into fights over silly things.  There’s been tension between them since she’s been there, and they’ve never been good at long distance.  Apparently a few weeks of being two hours apart is “really hurting” their relationship.  This is coming from the girl who tried out for and agreed to be on this show, by the way.  At least Nany was willing to acknowledge that her desire to be on the show meant something was clearly missing.

The roomies are all getting ready.  But WHY, you ask?  Zach gets on the phone, possibly with no one, to exposit for us:  ”One of my roommates is 19, and she’s got fake boobs, and she’s Mexican, and we’re going to a barbeque at her house.”  So Zach is, in order:  an age-ist, a sexist, and a racist.  I wonder where his homophobia ranks on that scale?

Prissy is excited for the roomies to meet her family, and everyone except Alex and Byron pile into one car to make fun of the happy couple.  Zach informs his fellow roomies that “they make love… through music.”  Who wants to bet that Zach is also afraid of culture?

Meanwhile, over in Byron’s Volkswagen JoyMobile, Alex is STILL talking about the hand-holding (or lack thereof) fiasco, and Byron quietly says that he misses her, too.

Okay.  Desire to hold hands established.  For the love of God, dude, hold her fucking hand.  FOR AMERICA.

Alex says she thinks she can’t make him happy and says she’ll take all of the blame.  I don’t know if he just doesn’t want to fight on camera, or what, but he just sits there.  Is it possible he’s just as over this as the rest of us?

The other roomies are watching them from the lead vehicle, and they’ve noticed that Alex is doing all of the talking.  Sam informs them of the Great Hand-Holding Argument of ’11, and she looks just as irritated as I feel.  Meanwhile, over in the JoyMobile, Alex is saying that she doesn’t want to fight.  That’s convenient, because I don’t want to watch them fight.  She says they’ve been long distance and gotten to this point of tension before (in their epic 8 month relationship?), and she’s worried that they won’t make it through this.

Frank is confused, and can’t tell Prissy’s mom from her grandmother, claiming he needs a flow chart because he doesn’t understand it.  I sure hope no one says that about his sexuality, because that would undoubtedly cause yet another breakdown.  Luckily, I don’t think anyone wants that many details.

Bubbles asks Mama for Prissy’s secrets, and apparently she was a fat child.  Sam is excited for the “down home cooking.”  We learn that Nate, like Prissy’s entire family, loves tequila.

We also learn that her grand-grandpa is one badass mofo.

Byron can’t believe how much Nate has been drinking, but Nate claims that after eating so much, he’s “not even remotely buzzed.”  Zach tells us Nate’s mission for the day is apparently to drink more than Zach has ever seen a human being drink.  What really has me curious is what the fuck Nate drank at the gay bar that had him so out of it that night.

Prissy’s mom sits her down for a tearful (partially tequila-fueled) heart-to-heart.  She says Prissy’s roommates are good people (very debatable), and that she’s proud of Prissy.  Prissy is happy to be around family and says that she’s not just close to her mom because she’s young, but because they’ve only had each other since they were (both) really young and they’ve gone through good and bad times together.  But what about the Tequila Posse all over the house?  Surely they’ve been around too!

The fireworks start and the roomies watch with their arms draped over each other while exchanging “I love you guys.”  Wow, they are all such “I love you” sluts.  The music changes tone to let us know the happiness is about to get serious and we see that Nate is crying.

Or he’s just so full of tequila that it’s spilling out of his eyeballs.

Zach looks hilariously terrified at the loss of his last fellow Real Man in the house, and Frank doesn’t know what the trigger is but says it’s probably booze.  Nate is also still wearing Spongebob floaties, it should be noted.  Nate tells us that he goes through life masking his emotions, but every once in awhile he’ll expose his heart, and at that moment the losses he had experience overwhelmed him.  Don’t worry, we’ll get an explanation after a commercial break of suspense.

It turns out four members of Nate’s grandfather’s family have committed suicide, as did his best friend.  But the real question is whether or not this is the proper time for a man to cry.  Where’s Zach to enlighten us?  Just kidding, Ron Swanson is the real authority here, and I’m allowing it under the jurisdiction of funerals.  Cry on, Nathaniel.

Nate says he wishes his great grandfather and great uncles and best friend were there to see the fireworks with him.  Sam praises him for his positivity and says his ability to stay positive gives her hope.  Sam is a really good friend to pretty much everyone.  Frank says he knew Nate had a lot of depth despite not always showing it, and he wants to help Nate.

Well, he managed to get through this entire hug without telling you he’s not gay, so we might already be making some progress on the homophobia front.

Alex says that knowing the tough things Nate had dealt with helps his happy-go-lucky attitude make more sense.  She, Byron, Sam, and Nate group hug it out before it’s time to leave.  Everyone says their goodbyes and Prissy’s mom hug-walks her into a corner and keeps hugging and kissing her even when she’s in the driver’s seat.

Frank asks Prissy if she feels comfortable cutting Frank’s hair, which she says she does.  When Frank leaves to go dip his head in the pool in preparation, Prissy asks Sam to explain the difference between clippers and scissors.

“Well, scissors are like what you’ll be doing to me by Episode 9.”  Witness Sam’s Master Plan of Seduction Step 2.

Sam tells us that she loves her short hair and would never let Prissy near her with a pair of scissors.  As Prissy cuts Frank’s hair, she says she could see it as her profession, cutting hair and talking about feelings.  After one snip, Frank says it feels like she cut off a lot and asks if she screwed up.  He deduces from her massive amounts of giggling that she did, in fact, screw up.  They head inside and the other roomies confirm that he has some bald spots in the back of his head.  Everyone, including Frank, has a good laugh about it.

Frank interrupts Prissy’s phone call to her mother to say he needs to call his friend to bring him more hats.  He’s begun his transformation to Frankenstein as he asks for an apology.  She apologizes and says she didn’t think he would take it so personally, which completes his transformation.  He vaguely threatens to cut her hair when she’s sleeping and she gives us a gloriously eye-rolling interview about how shocking it is that she, a 19-year-old lefty with no salon experience, cut Frank’s hair incorrectly.

Frank whines about his insecurities (apparently he’s fat and hairy- he is definitely not fat) to his friend.  Frank claims he would laugh about it if he had gotten a casual “I’m sorry,” but now he’s going to go apeshit despite the fact that he technically already HAS gotten an “I’m sorry.”  HEY FRANK:  This would be a great time to try out that articulate conversation theory you were discussing with your therapist.  Just sayin’.

What is that thing next to the phone?  Is it to let us know whether we’re dealing with Frank or Frankenstein?  Is it like Urkel’s Transformation Chamber?

Frankenstein yells at Prissy for awhile, and says it would have all been okay if she just apologized.  Prissy says Frankenstein has now reared his sober head, so clearly he has issues.  Byron makes the mistake of quietly opening his mouth, causing Frankenstein to scream at him to shut up since he’s not part of the house.  Byron fruitlessly says “Please, just calm down dude.”  Byron clearly has no idea who he’s dealing with.  Sam tells us Frankenstein is overreacting, and it’s his own fault for letting Prissy cut his hair in the first place.  See?  Sam is the go-to barometer for rational human thought.  Prissy just laughs uncomfortably as Frankenstein tells her he has “no words” for her and finally leaves the room.

Nate, Sam, Bubbles, and Zach are chilling for the afternoon at a nice hangout bar, and they meet some “entrepreneurs” who sell rubber watches for charity.  Nate opens up to one of the strangers about his high school buddy’s suicide, and wants to raise awareness about suicide prevention.

Back at the house, Alex is putting away some groceries while Byron plays his guitar outside on the roof.  Apparently he opened their bottle of wine and poured himself a glass without waiting for her.

OH GOD, THE HORROR.

Much like the hand-holding fiasco, she uses the wine-drinking fiasco to jump into a diatribe about how she feels like he’s been “blah” the whole trip, and nothing she can do will make him happy.  She’s like the nagging wife in a terrible 90′s sitcom.  Although I won’t argue that he’s been blah, since he’s barely spoken.  It goes on and on and I guess they kiss and make up?  Who knows.  No one watches this show for old married couple fights.

Later that night(?), they eat, watch the sunset, and talk about how fast the visit went.  For them, maybe.  She’s sad to see him go, but happy he visited because they worked on important issues in their relationship like hand-holding and wine bottle opening.  She feels calm and confident that they’ll make it through as they say their goodbyes and he drives off.

Nate’s entrepreneur buddies (the guys with the rubber watches for charity, in case you forgot about them from 5 minutes ago) have come to the house for a meeting.  What do you know?  They’re going to help him start a charity for suicide awareness.  Is Nate aware that a lot of recent suicides are a result of homophobia?

Just might be a good starting point, is all I’m saying.

The guys ask Nate if there are usually warning signs before someone commits suicide, and Nate says it’s a process and they “die slowly inside.”  He says it can’t be treated as crying wolf and needs to always be treated as real, and some people may not want to talk to a psychiatrist, but they need to (hey Frank, you listening?).  Nate decides to start a blog that people who have suicidal thoughts, self-mutilation tendencies, or depression can use as an outlet to connect with each other.  Nate is excited at his opportunity.

Frank goes for another therapy session and tells us he’ll never let Prissy near his head with a sharp object again.

I’m sure the feeling is more than mutual.

Frank says he needs to learn to stop being so confrontational and tells his therapist that he lost control.  He says he knows he fucked up and he doesn’t want to go back to that.  Therapist dude says Frank needs to use his intelligence to do some good in the world, and the minute he lets himself get “hijacked,” he loses all credibility.  Frank tells us that it feel healthy and refreshing to talk to someone who is “extremely intelligent.”  I’m sure the roomies will be thrilled to hear that.  Frank tells us he needs to stay positive because he’s not going to be “the angry gay” (so he’s openly gay now?) in the house.  We’ll believe it when we see it, bro.

Next week:  Zach’s homophobia coincides with some stuff Sam is going through.  I can’t possibly imagine whose side we’ll be taking.

Well, Nate’s stuff sure did come out of nowhere this episode, no?  That is an impossibly difficult situation, but is anyone else wondering if his best friend from high school was gay?  Well, hopefully this will be a learning experience for Nate in more ways that one.  Whose side are you on in Prissy vs. Frank(enstein)?  Do you think Frank’s therapy sessions will help him?  Did you miss the largely absent Zach and Bubbles this episode?  Were you as bored/annoyed as I was with Alex and Byron’s domestic squabbles?  What did you think of Nate’s trip to the gay bar?  And finally, how badly do you want to do tequila shots with Prissy’s great-grandpa?