Real World Recap: Proud to be “Un-American”

Did you guys know that technology hates me?  After three days and many hours, I am wondering if perhaps hitting my laptop for spending more time frozen and/or crashing than actually functioning may not have helped matters.  Either way, this recap is late and my laptop and I apologize.

Second of all, does anyone else think of Brad and Randy from the first San Diego season whenever someone dresses up as Mario/Luigi and other Nintendo characters for Halloween?  I saw at least three different groups this year dressed as them and it still reminds me of Brad/Randy.

Previously:  Zach and Bubbles may or may not get it on, but either way it will most definitely be boring.  Nate is homophobic but trying to evolve, and Zach is more homophobic but far less willing to evolve…

… At least in terms of homophobia.  In terms of hygiene, he’s plenty evolved:

So next time you’re getting a mani/pedi and you see a strapping young (heterosexual) gent head into the back room with two perky young blondes, know that he’s just there for a nice, chaste eyebrow waxing.

First off, as much as I want to separate this bunghole from my pleasant memories of Tim Riggins, I’d be remiss if I didn’t point out that he is wearing Panther colors.  Oh and also, on the way they walk past a restaurant and hear a kid yell, so Zach complains about the fact that people should be able to eat in peace.  So Zach probably hates children in addition to being sexist and homophobic.  (Although in this case, he may have a point.  Parents should use some discretion when bringing children to restaurants.  Just sayin’)  But Tim Riggins is great with children, so we can properly distinguish between the two.

They make the obligatory jokes about having two girls on top of him, and he tells us it’s ironic that the guy who plays sports and stuff is doing such a girly thing as getting his eyebrows waxed, but you’ve “gotta keep the goods looking good.”  Personally, I’m surprised he’s not better at handling the pain.

How does this compare to slamming up against a 300 pound lineman?  Beauty is pain, you fucking pussy!

Bubbles tells us that she and Zach get along, spend all of their time together, and are attracted to each other because they have “very similar personalities.”

BullSHIT.  Where is this “personality” you claim to have?”

Prissy meets her overly affectionate mother for lunch to discuss the fact that Bubbles and Zach are already joined at the hip.  It’s gotten to the point where Prissy will invite Sam or Alex somewhere first because Bubbles will always bring Zach along.  Apparently Bubbles has even changed her steak order to match that of her lover.  Good lord, woman, have some conviction!  MamaPrissy begins to wax poetic about falling in love, which Prissy awesomely laughs off.  I am liking her more and more.  She is the perfect example of the line between ditzy and ignorant.  She has her share of airhead moments, but she knows enough about how the world works.

The roomies cook up some dinner, and while they are eating Nate gets the bright idea to “baby bird” some chicken to Zach.  In case you were wondering, this means that Nate literally spits a mouthful of chewed up chicken at Zach’s face.  Pretty sure real birds get nice and close so they don’t make a mess, but then someone might think they were going to make out or something, and THAT would be the truly disgusting part of this.  Zach tells us that he and Nate collectively have the sense of humor of a 9 year old boy.  Other things they share with 9 year old boys are their level of ability to hit on girls and the same view of cooties.

The roomies are enjoying their pool (nice to see one of those getting a lot of use for once) while Sam makes a call to home.

Evidently she dials it WITH HER MIND, since we can hear the beeps before she even picks up the phone.

And now it is time for the bad news that the preview told us was on the way:  Two of Sam’s friends got into a car accident, and one of them broke both femurs, shattered her pelvis, and had to have her leg amputated at the knee.  WOW.  Give me a quick minute while I hug my legs.  Poor girl, and poor Sam.  Granted, this isn’t as bad as last season’s finale (when Leroy found out his friend had been killed), but it’s still really freaking sad.

She get choked up relaying the story to Frank, Alex, and Nate.  They’re all sympathetic, but Nate opts to go his usual optimist route and tells her that at least her friend can make the most of the situation.  He tells us he knows he can console Sam and get her laughing (until she has too much tequila and watches too many fireworks and almost literally cries a river, he does not add).

They plop down onto one of the beds and she says it sucks that she can’t be there for her friend, which is definitely a shitty feeling.  He gives her a hug and then starts joking around with a stuffed animal.  Sure enough, she’s laughing almost immediately, and it’s adorable.  This friendship is awesome.  Frank comes in and suggest they go do something, so they settle on bowling.

Despite not being attracted to each other, they totally make a better couple than Zashley.

Speaking of “Zashley” (credit to Sam), they have arrived home from attractively wandering the streets or whatever it is they do when they’re not primping.  Frank pulls Bubbles aside to tell her that Sam has gotten some sad news.  Meanwhile, Sam calls her mom to bring flowers to her injured friend.  Sam seems like a really good friend.

The self-declared Real Men of the season (Zach and Nate; I realize that may not have been clear) are playing ping pong when Sam heads up to tell Zach to get changed so they can go.  Zach is a little dickish about it, so Sam threatens to throw the paddles off of the roof (at least check for innocent passers-by first!).  He counters that she cannot throw something that one of her roommates enjoys so much over the edge.

Well, look who’s suddenly concerned about being sensitive towards things enjoyed by one’s roommates!

And then, of course, he threatens to “beat the gay out of” her.  Nate instantly makes this face:

See, Zach?  Even a Real Man like yourself knows that was a FUCKING TERRIBLE choice of words.

Sam wisely walks away as Zach calls after her not to get aggressive with someone who is “four times” her size.  Nothing like rubbing some salt in the wound.  Nate tells him that what he said was evil and Zach cackles that it wasn’t.  What is there to even say here?  He looks like a massive tool, and is apparently unaware that verbal (not just physical) gay-bashing is kind of an issue.  It must be so nice to be physically bigger than and morally superior to everyone in the universe.

Sam heads down to the other roomies to tell them about Zach’s comment, and they’re not too happy about it.  Sam tells us that she takes it very seriously because there is a lot of gay hate out there, which sums it up pretty well.

Frank tells us that he knows this isn’t his fight, but he has to say something.  He manages to reign Frankenstein in as he calmly asks Zach why he said that.  Zach simply repeats what happened, failing to offer any explanation that would satisfy the “why” part of Frank’s question.  He also makes the brilliant decision to repeat his new “beat the gay out” catchphrase, eliciting another massive cringe from Nate.

“I REALLY hope he stops saying that before my face gets stuck this way… That’s how facial expressions work, right?  ‘Cause otherwise my mom’s got some ‘splainin to do!”

Miraculously, Frank realizes that nothing he or Frankenstein can say or scream is going to help at this point, so he calmly heads back downstairs.  Zach complains that now everyone is going to think he’s a dick (yeah, can’t imagine where they’d get that crazy impression), and Nate finally decides to clue Zach in on the fact that Sam’s day was already a bad one.  Zach decides to stay home from the afternoon of Bonding through Bowling, which is probably for the best, but Bubbles shockingly still joins.

After bowling, Sam seems to feel a bit better.  Zach grudgingly admits that he shouldn’t have said it, in one of those “I’m sorry YOU were offended” tones.  Of course, that admission comes via confessional, and he has no intention of addressing Sam directly unless she forces him by attacking with her womanly feelings.  Luckily for him, Sam isn’t going to bring up the fact that he didn’t express sympathy for her friend or apologize for his comments since “he’s gonna do what he wants” and she’s “not gonna change him.”

In response to all of the backlash for his comment, Zach turns to Bubbles for validation.  She, of course, defends him by telling us that he’s very sarcastic and sometimes he offends people because they take him too seriously, but she doesn’t think he says anything maliciously.

Oh, so our sense of humor and/or sarcasm is not up to par with that of Captain Joy here.  Understood, all is forgiven!

Is it just me, or is she so sick of talking about his drama and wondering when the hell they’re gonna bone?  Bubbles tells Zach that Frank had pulled her aside to tell her about Sam’s bad day, and she figured he did the same thing for Zach.  “Frankie doesn’t like me,” Zach replies.  Wow, what an astute observation.  Zach should be a detective.

Whaaat, job interviews?  So glad we’re finally getting to this after a third of the season is over.  Zach says being there early is a good thing, and Prissy is squealing with excitement.  Sam informs us that their “job interviews” will be at the House of Blues, and when they get there, Frank asks for the “big man.”  Gotta loves it when job interviews start out with pick up lines.  Prissy says the atmosphere is “so much fun,” but I think she’s just excited that they let her be in the same room as alcohol.  Although I do have to respect that she never really complains about being left out of the drinking/partying/bars.

Highlights include:
– They literally have to fill out paperwork.
– Bubbles bartended for six years, is licensed, and go-go danced at House of Blues in Atlantic City.  This one doesn’t have dancers, though.  It’s a classy family establishment.
– Prissy had her prom there, probably last year.
– Nate is a nuclear engineer and likes thinking. 
– Zach offers to do security, but while the female interviewer is giggling at him (in a strictly professional sense, of course), the male interviewer informs him that California requires licenses or some other fancy jazz they don’t have in Americatown, USA.

“I done noticed you ain’t got no one to keep them thar gays out.  I can do that real good.”

- Sam is oddly quiet, but she was in marching band in high school (HOLLA, me too!).  She played clarinet (I was in the drumline) and they were state champs (we came in 2nd). 
– They mock Frank’s outfit.
– Alex leaves them in awe with her teaching of multi-variable calculus and her AIDS organization that she started at the age of 10 and other silly things like that.

They will return the next day for their assignments, so please remain on the edges of your seats.

Back at the house, Bubbles and Sam discuss the upcoming Gay Pride Weekend.  It’s very important to Sam because gays get to gather with straight people who support them and everyone is accepted.  This will be her “first big one.”  TWSS.  Bubbles asks if it’s a parade, and Sam corrects her that it’s pride, and they repeat the words to each other like a regular Abbott and Costello routine.

“Who’s on first, what’s on second.”  “I don’t know- THIRD BASE!”

Bubbles brings up the fact that her cousin invited her to Fire Island once, but she didn’t go.  Cool story, bro.  Sam doesn’t know what that is, so Bubbles says she guess it’s an “island full of gay people.”  I actually do know what it is, and it is known for its gay community, but they let other people go too.  I’ve never been, though, cause I don’t want to catch the homo’s.

Frank calls up some guy who I think is associated with Pride Weekend, to discuss how big the event is and that Frank has never been to something like this before.  And this year, they’re making history by having gay military members march as well.  WE DIDN’T ASK, WHY DID YOU TELL?

Frank has agreed to help out at the parade, so he tells Bubbles and Nate about it and invited them to come along.  Bubbles stumbles and stutters that she doesn’t like being “pushed into a lifestyle.”

In that cast, might I recommend Christianity?  They’re ridiculously uncomfortable around gay people and they totally never try to push a lifestyle onto anyone!

Frank asks Bubbles if she wants to ask Zach, but she tells Frank to ask Zach himself.  In other words, she’s not touching that with a ten foot pole even more than Zach’s not touching her with his much smaller pole.  Just then, Zach enters and he and Bubbles head out for some gunplay while Frank and Nate agree that Zashley will not be attending You May Not Have Asked, But We’re Telling.

In the car, Bubbles tells Zach about the event anyway, saying that 300 gays from the military will be there.  She says she didn’t even know that many people in the army were gay.  Yes 300 out of a couple of million is a staggering percentage.

Bubbles knows what her man needs, and so they arrive at the shooting range.  I don’t know if the editors are doing this on purpose, but on the way in the car she giggles at him while he’s staring out the window, continuing to make this look lopsided.  Bubbles has never shot a gun before, but when Zach is “more happy,” she is “more happy.”  Making women everywhere proud.  Luckily, shooting guns is one of Zach’s favorite hobbies.  Cue montage of sexy gun-shooting and googly-eye-making.

“Please, allow me to show you how to shoot this gun while gently grazing you with MY guns.”

Sam and Frank have a gay date.  They’re going shopping so that Sam can teach Frank how to be gay.  So, does that mean we’re not pretending he’s bisexual anymore?  Anyway, Sam is buying a rainbow flag because she’s always wanted one, with the added bonus that it will make Zach uncomfortable.  Frank asks if she’s going to put it up as soon as she gets home, and she says not only that, she’ll invite Zach in to watch her do it.  Even Frank looks uncomfortable with how potentially confrontational that could be.

Meanwhile, back at the gun range, Bubbles asks the guy who works there if he’s ever been shot, which he finds amusing since he has not.  Zach wonders if hanging their targets from his walls would piss Frank off.  So much talk about hostility over wall hangings going on right now.

Frank tells Sam that he thinks entering into a relationship with a guy would make Zashley more comfortable since the sexuality would take a backseat.  Sam asks if he wants to date a guy, to which Frank replies with a resounding yes.  That’s all well and good, but maybe find someone you want to date before jumping on the relationship train?  Head to the station, buy a ticket, board the train when it pulls in… Don’t just parachute on while it’s going full speed.

Frank goes on to make the good point that it’s hard to separate Zach’s dislike of him from his sexuality since the switch happened because of his first guy hookup.  Sam says it’s hard that the least supportive person in the house is her roommate, and she expected more from him.  This makes more sense when watching the After Show and seeing that she and Zach were pretty good friends, so the lack of support probably stung on a more personal level.  Also, Zach is home putting up his targets full of bullet holes.

Sam and Frank go to their next gay store and each try on a pink tutu and sparkly black shirt combination:

The best part is how Frank’s little hot pants totally match Zach’s favorite T-shirt.  Gays: they’re just like us.  Yup, even us Americans.

Back at the house, no one is home so Sam convinces Frank to help her put up her rainbow flag.  Frank calls the room “the epicenter of right-winged America,” but he goes downstairs to watch Sam proudly hang her flag and declare that she loves her life.  Frank also tells her to put her rainbow sticker on his target from the shooting range.

Choosing the cowboy boot just adds insult to injury.  Something tells me Zach has not seen Brokeback Mountain.

Frank confessionals that he’s happy to have Sam in the house because she does things like buy rainbow bracelets for all of the roommates.  He says if she wasn’t there, he wouldn’t be doing any of this stuff, and had never been to a gay bar before this.  He’s very proud to be doing all of it, and he thanks Sam.  See?  Sam really is an awesome friend.

Zach arrives home and reacts with general discomfort as he notices the flag and Sam hands him his rainbow bracelet.  She says “you’re welcome” and he responds with “I’m not thanking you, but…”  The sad part is, this is probably him on his best behavior to make up for his comment.  He tells us that he definitely thinks Sam put the rainbow flag up to get to him, but it’s her half of the room and she can do what she wants.  That is so generous of him.

The roomies head to the HoB to receive their assignments and start training for work.  Sam and Nate are paired up to work as stage hands, and Nate tells us how laid back their boss D.C. is as D.C. talks a mile a minute at Nate.  Then he “tests” Nate by having Nate clap between his hands without touching them.  Once he makes Nate close his eyes, he walks away and Nate keeps clapping the air for awhile.  As D.C. is explaining it, Lady Boss looks like she has seen this one a few too many times.

“I had to get assigned to this joker instead of the hot guy.  Someone wake me when the fun is over, please.”

Nate keeps clapping for a little while as the others hide behind furniture and laugh.  Finally, he realizes that he’s being duped, and breaks into a round of applause, both in real time and in the confessional.

Alex and Prissy will be hostesses, and in case you were wondering how seriously the HoB staff is taking this, their training consists of seating their trainer once, as a joint effort.  That’s right, not even taking 5 whole minutes to seat her separately.  Prissy’s going to be a natural at this, though.  Frank shakes hands with someone, but we don’t learn what job he has.

Bubbles, of course, is the bartender.  Zach is the bar back, which basically makes him her “assistant.”  Man, Zach just can’t catch a break, can he?  Being in the vicinity of gay men, sharing a room with a lesbian, and now having to answer to someone with six years more experience.  Everyone’s always trying to keep the white man down.  The head bartender tells Bubbles to leave “bait” money on the bar to attract more tips (does that work?  I always tip the same no matter what is or isn’t on the bar.), and Bubbles jokes that she just uses her face for that.  She then repeats the joke for Zach’s benefit, and he looks really amused.

“Awesome.  First she gets a job, now she’s making jokes.  Next thing you know, she’ll think she can vote.  Or worse, stop making me sandwiches.”

Bubbles tells us she doesn’t know if Zach resents the fact that she’s his superior (he most definitely does), but she loves it.  At the end of their training, their boss pulls them aside to tell them that they’ll have to work at Gay Pride weekend.  Zach looks like he’d rather take orders from a woman than do that.  Sam is delighted that Zach will be forced to go to Pride and face thousands of gays, and thousand of people who support gays.  She claims “he’s going to have to open up his mind and shut his mouth,” but she may be underestimating Zach on that one.  A closed mind is hard to open, and a big mouth is hard to shut.  Zach tells us he is freaked out, because he’s never supported or been a part of it.

Sam updates Frank on her friend who was hurt:  she wants deodorant and bacon.  Ron Swanson (and I) approve this request!  Mmmm, bacon… getting hungry.  Frank suggests sending her bacon-chocolate-chip pancake mix.  Have you ever had chocolate covered bacon, Gasmii?  If not, get on that ASAP.  Anyway, now that I’m hungrier, we learn that this poor girl’s birthday is that week, just in case the story wasn’t sad enough.  They agree to send the pancake mix, and Sam tells us she loves Frank and is glad to have his support.  You know, unlike SOME unsupportive people who sleep in the same room as her.

Zach calls up a friend of his who is in the army to say that he’s been asked to help out at a military event at gay pride.  He barely even finishes his sentence before his friend responds with “I wouldn’t.”  Feeling justified, Zach tells us they can celebrate and that’s good for them, but it has nothing to do with them.  He goes to church, the gym, and gun ranges, and anyone is invited to go with him but he won’t think less of them if they choose not to.  Have we seen him invite anyone anywhere?  Because I’m pretty sure his roommates would all go with him if he wanted them to.

Sam invites all of the roomies to a lesbian highlighter party, where they have a VIP booth and comped bottle service.  Sam tells us it’s important to her, so she wants her roommates to be there, but she tells Zach he doesn’t have to go unless he wants to.  He asks if he has to have a lot of people write on him.  She says yes, but offers to buy him a white shirt and promises to be on the bar covered in whipped cream, which sends him away in discomfort.  In the confessional, Nate wonders what straight guy would opt out of a lesbian highlighter party.

Hmmmm, has our little Nathaniel stumbled upon the answer to his own rhetorical question?

Zach gets on the phone with someone in Americatown, USA again to talk about how he doesn’t want to get written on, so he shouldn’t go to the party because that would imply he was okay with people writing on him.  His friend points out that he’s “a good looking dude, so” and Zach backs this up with the face that he’s “got long hair, really white teeth, I JUST got an eyebrow job…”  Yes, if only his eyebrows were 3% shaggier, it would all be okay.

Frank says he wishes Zach was more open-minded, and Alex tries to convince Frank that Zach is taking steps.  She claims that just being there is opening his mind even if he’s not trying, but Frank is rightfully skeptical.

Sam is getting ready to go and excited to show her roommates how much fun the gay community is, but Zach bursts her bubble when he tells her he’s not going.  He says he thought about going, but he never really committed to it, and sometimes people change their minds anyway.  Sam says she’s disappointed because she really wanted one night to show them how awesome the gay community is.

Bubbles is curling her hair as she says she suddenly doesn’t feel like doing anything, and Frank feels bad for Sam since Zashley are brushing the whole thing off.  Bubbles tells Zach that the roomies are mad, but Zach asks what they’re gonna do.  Fight him?

Well, not physically, but Sam is definitely gearing up for some sort of confrontation.  Frank sits her down and tells her he knows how frustrated she is, and he would be fighting right now, but it’s important that they remain the positive ones in this situation.

Frank is calming Sam down… that script flipped faster than Frank’s sexuality.

Sam says she has to take a stand and not back down because she’s proud of who she is.  She’s proud that they’ve helped Nate learn a thing or two and hates that Zashley have a “cement block around their heads.”  She says the reason they get bashed so hard is because they back down, and she’s not going to do that because she has too many times already.  It’s actually a pretty great speech, good enough to end the episode at least.

Next week:  Pride!  Duh.  Frank is “falling in love” (grab your hats, Gasmii, this is sure to be a wild ride), and Zach is NOT happy.

Poor Sam.  I hope her friend is doing well considering the situation.  As for Zashley, well, they really don’t look too good right now.  Maybe it’s my blue state bias, but they really do just seem so close-minded.  Also, their After Show claim that they never even kissed?  That has to be bullshit, right?  Frank seems to be doing a lot better, which probably has as much to do with Sam as it does with therapy.  Maybe he’s coming to terms with his sexuality.  Not much Nate, Alex, or Prissy this episode.  Your turn, Gasmii:  What do you think of Zashley’s actions this episode?  Do you care if they hook up?  Would you go to Pride to support a friend?  And will Bubbles continue to live her live as an extension of Zach, or will she eventually develop a personality of her very own?