Brandon tells Laura that he feels like the outsider because while he already “loves” the other guys, he’s not the athletic type. She listens to him have issues for a bit and then tells him she’s there and promises they’ll have fun. I’m sure he thinks they’re bonding deeply, but I think this is just the polite before the real.
Tattoos and piercings are one thing, but I cannot take anyone seriously with those RIDICULOUS EAR THINGS. This is something I will never understand.
They head inside and we learn that Laura was dating someone, but they broke up because she was coming on the Real World. Definitely a wise decision, and one she doesn’t seem broken up about in the least. They she breaks out her “adoption stuff,” so we learn that Laura is adopted and wants to find her biological parents. Brandon goes all Sensitive Guy High Voice as he tells her he doesn’t like that there’s a large “ADOPTED” stamp on the paper. And with that the size of Brandon’s crush on Laura can no longer fit through his earlobe holes. (Yes, this will become an ongoing unit of measurement in these recaps.)
Swift, Marie, Latoya and the Ginge have a conversation about ranking girls. Apparently this must be done on “straight physicality,” thus dismissing the longstanding myth that guys normally rank girls based on the nuances of their personalities. We also learn that Swift will hook up with a 7, but will not wife her. An 8, he will wife. What an important distinction. We do not get the crucial ruling on a 7.5. Latoya calls him cocky and determines that she will be the one to wise his ass up. She also gives her simple ranking system: “look good,” “a’ight,” and “no.” Simplicity FTW. What else do you really need?
Laura puts on a ridiculous outfit in order to flirt with Trey, and he’s rolling with it so he clearly likes her as well. Apparently she usually has a minimum height requirement of six feet, but she’s willing to overlook this important rule for her roommate with whom she is most definitely going to hook up and have subsequent awkwardness. Brandon, of course, is already feeling like a loser who can’t compete with Trey.
“Ladies and gentlemen, I already want to tap that so badly that it’s going to happen even if she’s dressed like this.”
Brandon later snaps (yes, already) and strips naked while jumping into the hot tub (to prevent shrinkage, I suppose), yelling for attention all the way. Is attention really satisfying if you have to beg for it? The other roomies are mildly amused and/or uncomfortable and all I can think is that this must have been one loooong, epic night, because every time we see the roomies they’re in a different part of their massive house/yard. Brandon’s next move is to throw all of the empty beer bottles into the pool, to give it a “rock star” ambiance.
The roomies are now hanging out in a tree, in case you thought I was exaggerating about them constantly being in different places on the property. Robb and Marie are still best friends, so Brandon “jokes” about getting kicked out of his room with his BFF Swift. This is all a nice segue for Swift to bring up a long log of poop that was left, unflushed, in his toilet. After Brandon denies it, the blame somehow lands on Marie. She’s too drunk to care, but later claims via confessional that she has no idea what they’re talking about.
Trey is still utterly confused about geography, although I’m sure he’s not the only East Coaster who gets “Oklahoma and Nebraska confused.” Trey asks about her nationality, giving her the perfect opportunity to casually bring out her adoption papers for the second time on the first night with these strangers. Trey comments on the bluntness of the first line of a letter from her birth parents, which was written the day after she was born but didn’t reach her until six months ago.
“Is this totally turning you on yet? This is totally turning you on, right?”