Real World Recap:Virgin Snoreicides

Previously:  Zashley shot guns and were attracted to each other.  Frankenstein met a beauty that tamed the beast within.

Currently:  Out at da club, Zashley dance and flirt as per usual.  Frank says it’s “like watching a corny Taylor Swift music video” and he doesn’t understand why Zach hasn’t “taken Ashley to pound town.”

Ah, yes, the unreleased T.Swifty classic, “Golden Ticket to Pound Town.”

Prissy has arrived to pick up her inebriated roommates and is greeted with a “SCRILLS” from Bubbles for her trouble.  Prissy is really good sport about being DD and not even being allowed to go out.  Anyways, the Zash are making out in the backseat, much to Sam’s delight.  The roommate give them permission to bone, but Bubbles claims she will not get laid tonight despite being horny.

Back at the house, Alex is delighted to see “Smiley Ashley,” which is apparently her term for what the rest of us call Drunk Bubbles.  She’s all giggles while Zach gets ready for bed, and is a bit disappointed that he immediately wants to go to sleep.  Sam tells us she doesn’t understand why two attractive people aren’t having sex.

Meanwhile, Zach and Bubbles lie in bed and talk about telling childhood stories, but don’t actually tell any as far as we can see.  There’s more than a hint of disappointment in Bubbles’ voice as she tells us that you’d think maybe something would happen with alcohol involved, but neither of them managed to instigate it.

What she really means is that no matter how much bait she threw out there, he just kept swimming away.

The Almighty Michael, Bringer of Frank’s Sanity has arrived for his (apparently weekly, at this point) visit, and Alex calls him Dad.  Is that a compliment?  Frank says Michael is what he’s looking for in a relationship, so he’s going to go with it.  This can only lead to confusion and drama, right?  Frank feels like a 13-year-old schoolgirl (aren’t all 13-year-old girls in school?), and he’s ready to pull down his Catholic schoolgirl skirt.  Silly Frank, half the point of skirts is that you don’t even have to take them off.  They head off to bed and presumably have all of the sex that Zashley aren’t.

Prissy learns from her mother that her ex-boyfriend Dylan has been trying to contact her.  Their relationship has been on and off for the past five years.  Keep in mind that Prissy is still only 19, so this has been going on since she was 14.  They broke up a year ago, but she still thinks about him and doesn’t feel any closure on the situation.

She tells Alex about the situation, including the fact that her friends and family say he’s been reaching out lately despite ignoring her for months.  Alex asks if Prissy would have been thinking about him even if he wasn’t trying to get in contact, and she says she thinks about him all the time, so hearing from him only makes it harder.  Prissy says it would be one thing if they broke up because he went away to school, but things were never made definite (pssst, Prissy: you guys definitely broke up because he went away to school).  Alex encourages her to at least talk to Dylan and sort things out.

Zashley are canoodling on the stairs as Zach asks for a congratulations on his “first full pony.”  Ahh, yes, that seminal time in every young man’s life.  Get a haircut, hippie!  They go all-out with the congratulating, a peck on the lips and everything.

God, get a ROOM, you exhibitionist sluts.  Oh wait, you have two, and we get to watch you lie around doing nothing in both of them.

Bubbles tells us that she and Zach will both be celebrating their days of birth this week, and have lots of people from home visiting, so good times will be had.  As the roomies get ready to go out, Zach tells us that he likes having Michael around since it keeps Frank happy.  In fact, he actually makes it a point to invite Michael to the Zashley Birthday Bash, insisting that his friends “would love that.”

Prissy drops them off at the bar (seriously, what does she DO all the time?), where Bubbles compliments Michael and plows Zach with alcohol.  Frank tells us she is “begging for it,” but Zach won’t give it up.  Nate and his pit stains tell us that “Smashtray” (does she smoke?) gets drunk and loudly proclaims her horniness, but he thinks Zach is the one who won’t let it happen.  Zach tells us it’s annoying and he wishes they would stay out of his business.

Who is this mysterious creature?  Truly an endangered species in the world of reality television.

During the car ride home, Bubbles asks Zach why she should spend her 3.5 months with him.  Sam is delighted, and Bubbles is proud of herself.  Zach refuses to have that conversation in that setting.  Sam announces the question to the car, which Nate and Zach both find inappropriate, and Bubbles starts crying.  Frank tells us that Zach does care about Bubbles, so the fact that she’s crying gets him angry.  They arrive home and the other roomies head inside while Zashley determine that Sam shouldn’t have heard her and they’re not mad at each other.  Riveting stuff.

Inside the house, Zach hears Sam recounting the story for Alex and Prissy, causing him to accuse her of talking shit behind his back.  He demands that she say it to his face, but when she stands up to do just that he turn away and yells “Nope!”  Then he tells her she’s nothing (leave Sam the Awesome alone!) and loudly inquires, “What are you going to do?  EAT A PIZZA?!  It’s pretty amusing for the drunken nonsense of it all.  Even Frank thinks it’s silly.

Dude, when Frank thinks you’re overreacting, it’s time to check yourself.  This season’s wall sconces are hoping to make it through intact.

Zach says they can say whatever they want about him, but they shouldn’t talk shit about Bubbles so he’s being protective.  First of all, repeating something she said for the sake of telling a story is not “talking shit.”  Maybe it wasn’t their business, but they weren’t saying anything mean about her.  Second of all, Bubbles already seems over it.  This is not that serious.  Drunk people do not know how to pick their battles properly, but it’s the most energy Zach’s exerted all season so I guess we should be happy about that.

Zach looks in on a sleeping Bubbles, Sam is also sleeping, Zach… sends an email, or something.  The next morning, Zashley sit on a couch and Sam walks by.  It’s all just SO VERY INTENSE.  Then Sam tells us she’s not going to worry because it will blow over on its own.  Cool as a cucumber, that one.

Prissy gets a phone call from Dylan, who doesn’t seem to know what to say after “hi.”

Conversation is hard, y’all.

Prissy tells us she hasn’t heard from Dylan in 8 months and asks him WTF happened.  He says the conversation would be better had in person, and she agrees, so they decide to meet up.  My question is, did she try calling him to ASK what happened in all of this time?  Of course she deserved an explanation, but she could have asked for one directly instead of sitting around waiting.

Prissy and Alex go for a walk and Prissy says she feels like it’s at least worth a conversation.  Alex tells her to be strong and let Dylan be stressed out since he messed up.  She says he needs to be worth of Prissy, who looks a bit overwhelmed by all of this.

The roomies go to House of Blues, where they will be made up to look like zombies to take part in the Zombie Walk, which is part of Comic Con.  That actually sounds pretty fun.  As they’re getting ready, Zach asks Sam to help him cut up his shirt.  She tells us this is weird on account of what happened last night, but she’s happy because it’s blowing over like she said it would.  They finish getting ready and prepare to join the zombie walk and hand out flyers.

It’s the role Zashley were born to play.

Nate ponders the difficulties of picking up a chick while looking like a zombie, but perks up when Zach points out that girls at this event might be into that sort of thing.  Frank alerts us to the tragedy of spending an hour unable to make out with Michael without getting blood in his mouth.  Fake blood, Frank specifies, in case you were deeply concerned about either of their dental hygiene or something.  Prissy and Alex, meanwhile, are having a grand old time:

Representing the rarely seen Happy Zombie contingent.

Frank tells Michael that he would be “the happiest roommate” if he could leave being friends with Nate and Zach and in a relationship with Michael.  He says he was going to go to LA or New York anyway, so he might as well be with Michael in LA.  Sam tells us they’re already talking about moving in together, and buying cars and dogs together.  HOT DAMN, that is fast.  Sam wanders over to offer her services as the flowergirl (“in a tux!”) for their wedding.  Michael laughs and takes it in stride, so good for him, I guess?  I would be seventeen blocks away by now.

It’s time for Michael to leave again, but no worries; he’ll be back for Zashley’s birthday bash.  Frank tells us he’s never been in a relationship, let alone a long-distance one, so he doesn’t know how he’ll handle it.  It turns out he handles it by crawling into Alex’s bed and crying.  Alex tells him it’s good that he cares so much because it confirms how he feels about Michael.  It doesn’t seem like anyone, least of all Frank, was doubting that, but oh well.

Prissy and Alex accompany Bubbles on a shopping trip to buy Zach cowboy boots for his birthday.  Alex hopes/wonders if this will be the thing that finally gets Zach to put out, since she knows Bubbles misses sex.

Zach is on the phone with his father, who claims that his chest pain was not a heart attack, and he’s not going to pay some doctor $500 to tell him that.  Zach tells us that his father is the toughest person he knows and has always led by example.  Bubbles arrives and plants herself at Zach’s feet while his father tells him there was evidence on that newfangled internet thing of him grabbing someone in the crowd (his father assumes it’s a girl).  Papa then scolds Zach for doing that to “someone’s daughter, sister” and says that’s not how he was raised.  ”Don’t lower yourself down to the lowest common denominator out in the land of fruits and nuts.”  That was SO CLOSE to being a good statement, up until the last part.  If Zach really has been holding back just out of respect/morality, that’s actually nice of him, although it’s a bit jarring compared to what Real World viewers are used to.  Usually only virgins are anti-sex on this show.  I still think Bubbles would give it up if Zach wanted it, though.

As Bubbles watches on, unaware of the shitstorm of cockblock happening two feet in front of her.

Frank, Nate, and Zashley have dinner while an accordion player (who allegedly looks like a shorter version of Frank’s dad) is rocking out nearby.  Frank talks about his future with Michael and hand-scissors Zach, who has come so far in his acceptance of them crazy gay folks.  Oh man, Zach’s father is going to have a legitimate heart attack when this airs.  Frank grasps at straws by trying to bond with Zach over their mutual farting upon leaving the restaurant.  Zach and Nate hold hands for a second while Frank asks Bubbles for a breath mint, then a blow job?   Yeah, pretty sure that just happened.  Then Frank and Nate harmonize on a made-up song about Zashley banging.

Prissy gets all dressed up and covered in perfume, then frets that Dylan won’t even show up.  Lo and behold, Sir Dylan arrives on his motorbike.  HOLY CRAP I was not prepared for this awkward geek who has crossed the threshold of the Real World house.  I half expected him to ask Prissy for her underwear so he could charge fellow geeks a dollar to see it later.  Prissy gets total stars in her eyes when she sees him, though.

Dylan is introduced to Alex and Frank, who only make him look even younger.  Frank tells us he knew Prissy liked nerdy guys, so he wasn’t too surprised (well, no one told US, Frank!), but he didn’t know he would be meeting Ron Weasley that day.  Frank goes all big brother and threatens to kill Dylan if he isn’t nice to Prissy.

It’s okay, Dylan is probably just biding his time until he’s bit by a radioactive spider and develops superpowers.

They finish their tour and Prissy sits him down for some answers.  She asks how he could just cut her out of his life, and he mumbles something about not knowing if she wanted a long distance relationship.  She tells him common sense would have suggested he call, and he can’t claim to have feelings for her and not have any contact.  Well said, Prissy.  He claims he tried to date other girls but really wanted her, and she’s rightfully skeptical.  She tells us she still has feelings for him, and then we learn that he’s the only guy she’s had sex with.  Well, that certainly explains the starry eyes she’s been giving him.

Zashley are getting in the car to go somewhere when Bubbles sends Zach to close the trunk.  Of course, waiting there for him are his fresh new cowboy boots.  He immediately says he doesn’t want them and claims they cost $500 (although I believe the cashier said $400), so way to be grateful dude.  Bubbles claims that he can’t be mad at her since he likes them, and he says it’s the best gift he’s ever gotten.  Bubbles then says she wanted to do something nice for him since he’s the “closest person” to her and also her “best friend in the house.”

That was both repetitive and redundant, Bubbles.

They play some basketball and Zach is schooling Bubbles.  He thought she was good at sports, but apparently she meant cheerleading when she said that.  He offers to teach her how to shoot, and she claims she doesn’t need his help (really?  She’s going all Independent Woman over THIS?!).  Then two seconds later, he teaches her how to shoot as he tells us the fact that she does everything he wants to do brings them closer together.

Dylan and Prissy are… kind of cuddling?  He claims the only good date he had was because he liked Thai food.  We then cut back and forth between them having sex (I think?) and Nate and Frank heckling Zach about the lack of sex he’s having with Bubbles.  He vehemently insists that he will not do that and the guys are amused when Bubbles overhears their conversation from the other room and calls  out to him.  Zach then tells us that “some guys have self-control, and are heroes… like me… and some guys can’t function without it.”  Hilariously, Dylan is the example of the latter.  Zach stares at Bubbles for a minute and then heads off to take a cold shower.

Prissy seems to be having some post-coital regrets as she tells Dylan that he should leave.  Sam is excited to see Prissy half-dressed and wonders if they had sex.  Frank hopes they did because he wants SOMEONE besides himself to be having sex in the house.

Tim Riggins would have fucked the entire southern half of California and most of Arizona by now.

Prissy says it would be easy to fall back into her Dylan pattern, but Alex dispenses some Big Sister Wisdom.  She reminds Prissy that Dylan has to earn her trust back before she can think about a relationship with him, and to just take it day by day and not try to figure everything out yet.  Prissy tells us that she wants to keep talking to Dylan and see how things go.  Explore the world a little first!  Take advantage of being on reality television!  This is the problem with hometown cast members.

Zach attempts to call his friends, and we learn that he is the smart one of the group.  Even he knows how ridiculous this sounds.  He has to clarify to them that they need to call his San Diego number and leave their flight info.  He also threatens to break the legs of his friend with an annoying voicemail.  Between his father and his friends, Zach’s general Zachness is slowly starting to make more sense.  Also, they’re okay with saying “love you” to each other.

Zashley head to the airport to pick up their friends.  Meanwhile, Nate and Frank put together a “sex box” as a birthday present that includes Frank’s used lube.  I know they’re all friends now, but that seems like a bit much.  The girls bake cakes.  During the airport greetings, it probably goes without saying that Zach’s friends approve of Bubbles’ aesthetics.  She’s looking forward to seeing what he’s like around them.

Frank calls Michael, who is on his way but stuck in traffic.  Frank hates waiting for Michael and says he’s already crazy, but it’s making him crazier.

Little does Frank know that Michael is actually calling from a pay phone in Mexico, where he will live off the grid and survive on enchiladas, tequila, and fear.

Zach explains to his friends that Frank and Nate are “super smart.”  He then recounts Frank’s sudden transformation from “Hostile Frank” to “Friendly Frank,” calls Michael sweet, and says Frank is his friend.

The guys then play some “Sting Pong,” which is a variation on ping pong in which the loser must allow the winner to smack a ping pong ball with the paddle at his bare back.  Bubbles and her friend stay off to the side and alternate between giggling and rolling their eyes at the silliness.  Nate tells us that it hurts and “makes you want to cry, but you don’t because you’re manly,” with his voice awesomely wavering on that last word.

“A real man can take it from the rear… bareback.”

Note to MTV:  We don’t really need to know what’s “coming up” in the middle of the episode, particularly when there are only about five minutes left.

The roomies get ready for the big party.  As Nate shaves Frank’s back, Frank requests that he “make this more sensual than when Sam did it,” but Nate refuses.  Sam tells us that the party has been dubbed the “Zash Bash,” and unlike MTV/Bunim Murray I trust that you can figure out where that came from on your own.  Nate claims they’ve been planning for a week now (ZOMG!  A whole week!), so he’s ready to party, he’s ready… he hopes you bring lots of spaghetti.

Frank apparently likes to get “touchy-feely” when he’s drunk (who doesn’t?), and he’s all over various girls tonight, including Bubbles.  She knows it bothers Zach, but he claims he won’t make a scene unless it’s absolutely necessary.  Zach’s friend, who I can only think of as White Carlton Banks, says he wishes he was gay so he could touch girls.  Zach heads over to take Bubbles away from Frank, who steps away without incident.  Thanks for not delivering on all of that drama you just promised, previews.

Nate and White Carlton discuss the fact that Zach is “wifed up” and “caring” about a female.  Apparently that is not his normal behavior.  So, it’s okay to violate girls in bars as long as you’re not on TV?

Come on, dude… you know it’s not unusual to be loved by anyone… to have fun with anyone…

Zashley’s canoodling is interrupted at midnight for hugs and cheers to celebrate the fact that it is now Zach’s birthday.  Bubbles knows he wants to spend time with his friends, but can’t resist interrupting right back for more canoodling.

Back at the house, everyone eats cake and Zashley receive their sex box present.  Everyone has fun watching them get uncomfortable but try to laugh it off, but Bubbles is getting annoyed and is ready for some hardcore cuddling.  And no, that is not even code for anything, because that’s where we’re at right now.

As they get ready for bed, Zach tells us that this is the closest he’s ever come to a committed relationship.  His father always tells him that every girl has a father, an uncle, a brother, etc. and he should think of his sisters in that situation.  He wants to knock boots, but knows a “respectful cowboy” would not do such a thing.

Thinking about his sisters right now, ladies and gentlegasmii!

Frank tells us he thinks there’s a better chance of Nate and him using the sex box than Zashley having sex.  And sure enough, as Zashley settle in for another night of cuddling, Nate and Frank make condom balloons!

Now make them into swords and have a duel!

Next time:  The roomies go to Warped Tour.  Alex is going to sing.  They steal/hide Dylan’s little motorbike thing, but it goes too far when Dylan files a police report.

Did we really just watch an entire episode about Zashley not having sex?  I realize they had a lot to follow between last season in Vegas and the first San Diego, but surely they can do better than this?  Also, I understand the point of the Aftershow for things like Frank’s meltdown, but was it really necessary here?  Do you guys think Zashley really are just trying to behave for the cameras?  I know it’s respectable and moral and blahblahblah, but it’s still weird to see.  Is it because they’re on the older end of the Real World spectrum?  Maybe they would have been crazier at 19/20.  Should Prissy get back together with Dylan?  I say not without dating some other people first.  She really seemed young this episode.  Do you think Michael will make a break for it before the season is out?

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