Real World: Strings Attached, Apparently

Previously:  Seven strangers moved into a sweet suite in Vegas.  Dustin was going to be Reverend Awkward’s boy.  Teacup and Dustin both found each other, like, totally dreamy.  Nany and Adam had a “connection,” but Nany was in a relationship.  Adam represented our requisite troubled past for this season.

We open with our roomies at the pool, where Teacup informs us that Dustin “has some swagger for a white boy,” which means that he’s a good dancer.  Dustin, meanwhile, thinks that Teacup is an “angel” and if he could have built a girl, it would be her.  Nany is unsurprisingly dancing up on Adam, who reminds us yet again that he’s attracted to her and predicts that they will be “more than friends” at some point during their time in Vegas.

“Here, have some of my friendship juice!”

But more importantly…

Bellagio fountains!  Nothing clever to say here, I just think they’re cool.

Well, what do you know?!  Dustin and Teacup are both relationship people.  That’s mighty convenient on account of the fact that they want to bone each other.  Teacup has trouble separating emotion from sex.  Dustin (the gay porn star, lest we forget) likes being a boyfriend.  Where could this possibly lead?  What does it all mean?  Dustin tells Teacup that his friends all told him he would fall in love because he always falls in love with everybody.  How… special that must make Teacup feel?

Dustin pulls Reverend Awkward aside to tell him that Teacup is a relationship person.  Under normal circumstances, Dustin claims he would date her, but he doesn’t want to jump into a relationship here.  The good reverend tells Dustin he’s smitten and wading in the shallows right now, but could end up in deep.  Dustin doesn’t understand why he can’t have his cake and eat it too.

Meanwhile, Reverend Awkward is giddy to be living in this fantasy world where the cool kids in school actually talk to him.

Nany is on the phone with her boyfriend, and tells him that it sucks that she can’t go cuddle with boys because of their relationship.  He tells her to do it if that’s what she wants to do, but in a nicer way than I made that sound.  She takes it to mean he doesn’t care, and he says he cares too much.  There’s really no way to make that conversation seem less stupid than it was.

Out at da club, RA is amused by a tattooed young lady in lingerie.  Roy Lee encouraged Nany to dance with boys so she can have as much fun as the rest of them.  This of course leads to her and Adam, who are both wasted, getting closer and closer while Nany tells us that she’s torn.  BUT THEN… the happy dance music get all dramatic.  Adam is crazy!  Adam breaks a bottle!  Adam is dragged away by security.  OH NOES!  We must take a commercial break to process these happenings.

When we return Roy Lee has valiantly offered his bed as a resting place for a lovely young lady on this fine evening.  How thoughtful of that upstanding gent.  The girls return safely and alone, to Dustin’s approval.  Suddenly, the doorbell goes haywire!  But alas, it is only Adam with several security guards in tow.  Dustin and RA try to control him while security rolls their eyes and walks away.  The antics continue.

Adam breaks glass!  Adam misses his mouth with the water choo-choo!  Adam wears his sunglasses at night!  Corey Hart gets a few cents in royalties?  One can only hope.

RA tries valiantly to control him despite Dustin telling him not to bother.  Adam is so happy to learn that Roy Lee is in the process of “getting it in” that he heads over to witness it firsthand.  The roomies all try to control Adam to little effect.  Nany finally gets him into bed, where he mumbles about her having a boyfriend until he falls asleep on her thigh.  Seduction 101, Gasmii.  I hope you’re taking notes.

The next morning (or possibly afternoon), the roomies discuss Adam’s inappropriate actions and conclude that he needs to apologize to security.  At least, I think that’s what they said.  I was alternating between being distracted by RA’s short shorts and baffled by the fact that so many Real Worlders are aware of consequences at the same time.

There’s Nair for that.

Once Adam graces them with his hungover presence, Dustin and Roy Lee try to convince him that his actions the previous night were inappropriate.  Adam concludes that it’s Vegas and they’ve seen it all.  He then calls his “girlfriend” (quotes provided by the show, not me) to get some justification for his actions, which she of course provides.

Nany isn’t letting him get off so easily, and tries once again to convince him that what he did was wrong.  He sticks to “this is Vegas, they’ve seen it all,” which might as well take over for “what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas” at this point.  Nany is not pleased with his indifference and wonders what Adam is capable of doing and not caring about.  Well, probably you, Nany.

After a few of the guys jump into a freezing cold pool for no apparent reason other than “Vegas baby!” everyone sits down for some relationship talk.  Nany claims she couldn’t see herself with anyone else, but Teacup hypothesizes that she could just have First Relationship Syndrome.  Dustin says he “did the boyfriend thing,” causing the roomies to joke about him being gay.  Oh, if they only knew.  He takes it well, so Teacup once again tells us how funny Dustin is and anyone who can make a girl laugh can make her do a lot of things.

We are now granted the opportunity to watch Dustin and Teacup nap/make out.  ”Why do you have to kiss so good?” Dustin ponders.

I will counter with my own question:  Why do you have to talk English so bad?

Teacup tells us they have a magnetic attraction, but she doesn’t want the same guy sleeping in her bed every night, while telling Dustin to do his own thing.  He tells her to stop being so damn cute, but he says it like it’s talk to a five year old or a dog at the same time he’s making out with her and it’s kind of weird.

For the second time in as many episodes, we get a lovely shot of bacon:

I know this isn’t product placement, but if it were it would be the kind I could get behind.  Maybe it’s symbolic of all of the porking we’ll see this season?

You’ll be happy to know that Adam is feeling better after his drunken antics the other night.  In case you’ve forgotten what happened two commercials ago, we get a helpful flashback of these events.  Suddenly, the doorbells rings.  It’s security, looking for Adam.  As they take a dramatic walk down the hallway, Nany wonders if he’ll get kicked out.  The elevator beeps as we cut to commercial to ponder the implications of these cataclysmic happenings.

When we return, the head of security details Adam’s transgressions from the other night since Adam can’t remember.  Adam apologizes out of obligation and is let off with a warning.  Lesson learned, I suppose?  I doubt it.

Adam returns to the suite and fakes Nany out by saying he’s been kicked out.  She believes him for a minute, then tells him he’s an asshole when he finally admits it.  He tells the roomies he was let off with a warning, but it’s also the hotel’s fault for not cutting him off sooner.  Ha, what a dick.  Nany still can’t understand why he doesn’t feel bad.  Nany: when people are willing to get blackout drunk, they are generally not deeply concerned about such silly concepts as recklessness.

A few roomies are discussing 2012 and the end of all days, when they are distracted by RA’s use of the word cataclysmic.  And the fact that none of them understand this word is further reason to believe that the human race can’t last much longer if you ask me.  He tries to explain something about science and everyone else just cracks up.  Poor RA is fighting a losing battle if I’ve ever seen one.  The Real World hasn’t been allowed to be educational since the 90′s.

Keep in mind one member of this conversation was so baffled by his two syllable, five letter name that he’s taken to referring to himself with two one syllable, three letter names.

Ooh, time for Reverend Awkward’s backstory!  It’s actually pretty good:  his parents went to jail when he was a young kid, so he lived with his grandma.  Then his dad got out of jail and his grandma got cancer, so he lived with his dad.  He and his dad got into fist fights every night until the cops told him to GTFO for his own safety, so he stayed with a close friend.  Bet you weren’t expecting that!  I know all RW’ers are supposed to have a tragic backstory, but RA seems to have turned out relatively well all things considered.  Roy Lee also finds RA the most surprising of the roomies.

Everyone gets into cabs to go have a lovely Product Placement lunch.  In the girls cab, they discuss the fact that Teacup and Dustin like each other and he would probably be mad if she brought home a guy.

And Nany tries to make this look happen.  Girls: wear a headband, or don’t wear a headband.  None of this bullshit.

Guess what?  Teacup doesn’t want a boyfriend, but she likes Dustin.  In case you hadn’t heard.  Also, Adam decides to play roulette despite not knowing about the possibility of landing on green.  After some superdramatic slo mo, Adam had doubled his $385 to $770 and celebrated with Roy Lee and RA.  Moral of the story:  gambling is fun kiddies, you should totally do it!

Adam and his disappearing/reappearing head wound feel that Nany has distanced herself from him, and she says she still doesn’t know how she feels about him.  He convinces her to go get sushi with him and RA, where he continues to go on and on about how insecure he is.  He claims that he was average in high school, so he did drugs since he wasn’t really good at anything.  As Nany giggles over his driver’s license picture from when he was 16, he tells us that Nany is attracted to his bad boy personality and he intends to use his stint in juvie to push her over the edge.  This girl is going to feel like such a fool when she finally sees this.  She’ll probably still like Adam, though.

And here, we have Dustin, deep in his Slumber of Solitude, as the rest of his roomies prepare for the ultimate betrayal.

As Dustin naps (with snoring for good measure), the six other roomies settle in elsewhere in the hotel for a round of the age-old classic, Truth or Dare.  Shenanigans include but are not limited to:  toe sucking, triple kissing, pantsless jumping jacks.  And THEN, Roy Lee dares Teacup to kiss RA.  He protests, on account of Dustin being his “boy” and all, but Teacup finally just walks over and plants a wet one on him.  Everyone laughs and takes it for the game that it is.

A symbol of the hellfire about to rain down, perhaps?  Do you think RA is under the impression that he’ll be burning in hell for eternity for this?

The guys walk back to the room as RA tells Roy Lee and Adam how pissed Dustin will be.  They find this hard to believe, as would I had I not seen the previews for this episode.  When they get back to the suite, Roy Lee promptly tells a newly-awakened Dustin about the Teacup/RA kiss.  Dustin asks RA about it, and he says it was 3 seconds and he felt bad and tried to get out of it.  Teacup tells Roy Lee she didn’t want to be in this position, and after she walks away RA tells Roy Lee that he didn’t say he didn’t like it.  He sure has done an immediate 180, hasn’t he?  Good for him, I say.

Dustin tells us that a trifecta of people is disrespecting him at the same time and he doesn’t know what to do.  Well he seems to have cried a river, so might I recommend building a bridge and getting over it?  As he lies on his bed moping and pondering the tragic turn his life has taken, Nany tries to convince him that it’s just a joke, but he’s having none of it.  He tells us that they can’t say they were just playing because “we’re grownups.”

OH REALLY?!  ARE WE NOW?!  Because I’m pretty sure you’re ready to alienate the entire house over TRUTH OR FUCKING DARE.

Nany tells the girls how upset Dustin is, and Teacup feels bad despite never having told Dustin they would be exclusive in any shape or form.  Stop feeling bad, Teacup.  You have done nothing wrong aside from crushing on a child.  Dustin tells us that Teacup was just emotional and confused, but Reverend Awkward knew how he felt and should have known better.  Wow, Dustin is the precise opposite of Ronnie- the girl can do no wrong, blame your friend.  Surely there must be some kind of happy medium?

Roy Lee asks how long Dustin will stay mad at RA.  Answer: forever.  Nope, not overdramatic at all.  He claims that RA knew he was doing something wrong since he felt bad before he did it.  He goes on and on until RA finally walks in and says “It’s a game.  You know she doesn’t like me.  You know I don’t like her… Get over it.”  RA repeats that it’s a game, prompting Dustin to tell him that “life ain’t a game, son.”  Reverend Awkward morphs into Reverend Awesome and says “You’ve known her four days, and that’s LIFE?!  You’re CRAZY if you think that!”

Dustin keeps stuttering about being angry and RA crossing the line while RA keeps pointing out how utterly RIDICULOUS all of this is.  In the safety of the girls’ room, Teacup tells the other girls that she’s going to lose her mind if she has to hear about this kiss again.  You and me both, lady.  Dustin says he never would have thought about it if the tables were turned.  RA walks away saying it’s all his fault, he kissed the hell out of her, etc.  Dustin calls him absurd, which is like Charlie Sheen calling Jon Cryer crazy if you ask me.  Good lord, I cannot believe I am watching this and NOT at a middle school dance.

“I’m Edward, and she’s Bella, and you’re that jackass Jacob, you… DOODYFACE!”

Dustin seems like he would be a Twilight fan.  Wonder if he got this mad when the roommates in his gay porn house hooked up?  And here is where we learn that Dustin has never been so disrespected “ever in the history of EVERDOM.”  So that porn career was all class, then?

Next week:  Adam gets drunk and breaks glass again, and Roy Lee is pissed as hell.

Wow, I cannot even process all of that ridiculousness beyond Adam being a douche and Dustin being a foolish child.  The only POSSIBLE explanation for Dustin flying off the handle like that is the fact that he wasn’t there and possibly thinks it went down a bit differently than it did.  As for Adam, I have seen a few people that drunk and I have judged the hell out of them.  It’s going to be a long season of him refusing to realize he’s going too far.  Shall we start a pool for which episode Nany will finally officially cheat on and/or break up with her boyfriend?  If you were Teacup, would you be too weirded out to keep hooking up with Dustin?  Are you, like me, hoping RA and Roy Lee are BFF’s by the end of this season?