Real World: Tears of a Clown

Deepest apologies for the delay in this week’s recap, Gasmii. I was busy building an ark so that I’ll be prepared when Hair’s ocean of tears finally floods all of North America. You guys can come on the ark with me if you bring booze and snacks.

Previously on the Real World: most of the roommates are single and attracted to each other. Hair sucks at life.

Speaking of Hair, did you know he likes to cuddle? With absolutely anyone, including (but not limited to): dogs, his mom, and (gasp!) other guys! I hope none of them touch him with their lips, because then he’ll want to kill himself. Don’t worry, he won’t actually do it, he’ll just talk about it until someone pretends to care. He tells Lips and Preston about how much he loves cuddling, and they are both rendered speechless.

From this, we cut to Hair lying in bed with a blow dryer aimed at his crotch. Oh, how delightfully quirky this one is. He tells Preston that he blow dries his body every night to keep warm.

Either that or he saw a threatening group of girl scouts and peed himself. Also, I bet this is not the kind of blow job Preston was hoping to get from Hair.

 

In other Roommate Sexual Tension news, Eyes and Ruthie Jr. are, like, totes crushing on each other sooooooo hardcore. He tells her his first impression of her was that she was beautiful, and they tell us their eyes and skin tone make them look good together. They are both quite pretty. I’m just saying, Eyes, if she won’t give it up, give me a call.

Hair plays with Starfish’s hair while they discuss the pros and cons of being a slut. He is shocked by her crazy declaration that sex feels good. It sure doesn’t take much to get a reaction from him.

And we’re not done learning about Hair yet. One of his other quirks is an obsession with ears. We see him fondling various roommates’ ears while Meathead tells us he’s expecting Hair to whip out a jar of ears he’s cut off of people while cutting hair. Hahaha, I like Meathead so far.

I know dude, I know. Sleep with earmuffs on and one eye open and your ears should make it through the season intact.

 

Hair and Meathead are eating and chatting when Meathead reveals that his number is in the “high 50′s/60′s.” Clearly this scandalizes Hair, who declares “you just don’t do that.” No, man, YOU don’t do that. He talks about how special sex is and asks Meathead if he would marry a virgin, to which Meathead replies, “Oh, I LOVE virgins.” Probably because they’re tough to disappoint. All we get out of hair is the use of “literally” 3 times in one sentence and a declaration that he regrets each of his (relatively few, apparently) sexual partners because in hindsight, he didn’t love them. He wishes he was a virgin.

Speaking of virginity, apparently Jimmeh is a white-boy virgin, and she would like to change that. Lips offers up her little brother, who will be visiting for his 21st birthday, while Jimmeh reveals that Meathead is campaigning for the position. She’s hesitant, but I say go for it. The two most fun-loving roommates hooking up? Makes total sense to me, and it would have to be more interesting than any of last season’s hookups.

Next, we learn that both Preston and Eyes have parents with addictions. I’ll skim over the awesome coincidence that both black roommates have parents with addictions (we already know how awesome MTV is when it comes to stereotypes), because this conversation is really about white-bread Meathead and his addiction.

But first, I would like to express my concern for Preston’s addiction to skinny scarves.

 

Preston explains why addiction is a disease, because I guess Meathead wasn’t paying attention in rehab. Lips tells us she thinks that if Meathead can take what he learned in rehab and apply it in this situation, he will come away feeling very fulfilled.

Portrait of a Man Seeking Fulfillment After Rehab

 

We then cut to neon signs that say “Temptation” and “Desire” because subtlety is so much fun. I suppose, as we head into a night of drunken debauchery, that these will be our companions.

Along with this lovely mustachioed gentleman.

 

Meathead continues his campaign to take Jimmeh’s white-boy virginity. His campaign slogan appears to be offering her the best 3 pumps of her life. A winning strategy if I’ve ever heard one.

Meanwhile, Eyes and Ruthie Jr. are dancing when Eyes is approached by a flirtatious young vixen. This prompts Ruthie Jr. to declare him “taken” and tell him he’s her man and she loves him. While these are clearly drunken mumblings, this girl has got to quit playing games (with his heart). She gives him a very chaste peck on the lips which causes some of the roomies to start screaming. Some people have such low standards for excitement. When they get home, Preston and Hair cuddle up while Hair fondles Preston’s ear and the rest of the roomies collapse to the floor in laughter.

The next morning, Jimmeh presses Eyes for information about the night before until he admits that he and Ruthie Jr. kissed. He tells us she has nice lips and he could see himself kissing her a lot. Uh oh, poor guy is infatuated already. I’m afraid this is not going to end well for him. Then he kind of wins me over with a Pinky and the Brain reference.

Preston asks Ruthie Jr. about Eyes but she downplays it. I can’t tell if it’s because she really doesn’t like him or because of the guy she has back home, but either way I’m available to console Eyes. Seriously, I love to cuddle. Not with my mom, though.

Hair, Jimmeh, and Lips are going out. Hair tells us it’s going to be fun and he feels like hooking up with someone. Wait, no he doesn’t. Oh wait, yes he does.

“I forget, what were those morals I tried to shove down everyone’s throats 10 minutes ago? Being this dramatic is confusing.”

 

They dance and have fun until Hair decides they need to leave since there aren’t enough girls. None of them brought keys to the house, so Hair has to hop the fence and starts pouting the second he gets to the other side. He goes into the house and takes his shirt of while he walks around. Lips asks where he is and Jimmeh awesomely could not care less as she says she doesn’t know. He climbs into bed with an ice pack and as usual, is not shy with the theatrics. Lips tells us she calls people like him “extra.”

Dude, seriously. New Orleans has enough black water courtesy of BP. You don’t need to add to it with your manscara and guyliner filled tears.

 

The rest of the roomies return (where were they, BTW? I guess we’ll never know) and hear about Hair’s “broken shoulder.” Meathead knows what an actual shoulder injury looks like and tells him he’s ok, which is of course not what he wants to hear. Poor Eyes actually has to share a bedroom with this fool, and after Hair will not stop tantruming all over the house, he asks if he wants to go to the hospital. Hair says no one can take him, which I guess means they’re all drunk even though they don’t seem to be, so Eyes offers to call a cab. Seriously, this grown adult couldn’t figure that out on his own when he was in soooo much pain? More proof that he’s a drama queen, like we needed it.

Eyes gets stuck taking him to the hospital while the girls mock him back at the house. Lips and Jimmeh give an Emmy to him via the confessional, and it’s pretty funny. In that cab back from the hospital, Hair tells Eyes that the sling makes it feel better. Or the fact that someone was willing to kiss his boo-boo. It’s all the same to him as long as he’s getting attention.

Eyes gives the official diagnosis to the other roomies: it was “popped.” They want to know what that means, so Eyes says “I don’t know, Snap was there, Crackle was there, we were missing Pop.” Hahaha! Cute AND funny, I think I love him.

Meathead asks Hair about his shoulder, perfectly nicely from what I can tell, and Hair says nothing’s wrong and he’s faking it. Then they just start yelling at each other over nothing and does anyone really care? I’m sure Meathead was in the right.

Oh damn, the roomies are all cleaning the house together. This might be a Real World first. Hair’s shoulder doesn’t seem to be bothering him much anymore. Oh, and he and Meathead still don’t like each other. Also, he got his painkillers and Eyes rolled his dreamy eyes that they gave him such strong pills.

Starfish and Meathead go for a drive and talk about his rehab. He tells her and us that he’s done with pills forever, but drinking’s never been his problem and he’s going to keep doing that.

Eyes asks Ruthie Jr. if she regrets kissing him because of the guy from back home. She says she’ll see when he comes to visit in two weeks, and Eyes is clearly saddened to hear that he will be gracing them with his presence. They argue about the complicate status of her relationship and he tells us he doesn’t know what he wants and he’s at a loss.

Well, feel free to use those dreamy eyes to come find me.

 

Hair sits around pouting and glaring at Meathead, who seems pretty indifferent to the whole situation.

Back at the house, Eyes is drunkenly talking to Ruthie Jr. about her relationship. He decides to avoid her for 3 days and erase her from his life. Man, this guy is seriously infatuated.

Meathead and Jimmeh flirt while he makes himself some eggs. Apparently they’re each already planning on the other moving to their respective state. Seriously, match made in heaven, these two. They have the combined IQ of a potato but they get along great and seem to have similar outlooks on life.

Next they’re flirting in the confessional. And just in case you had any doubt that these two will end up banging, she breaks out the ultimate in white trash flirtation: the vajayjay tattoo.

It is so convenient that she happens to have a gigantic Mardi Gras mask tattooed on her genitalia.

 

They get into Jimmeh’s bed together, where Meathead promptly tells her he doesn’t like girls wearing bras when he sleeps with them and flings her bra into Preston’s bed. Preston then lets a HUGE one rip, which sends both of them straight to Meathead’s bed. Meathead is grateful, but it seems that they just go to sleep without any hooking up whatsoever. Hmmm, she is proving to be more of a holdout than I would have thought.

Jimmeh tells her mom that she got an email from her Mississippi guy telling her he misses and loves her. They both have a good laugh over that one as she adds that she’s distracted because “out of state, out of mind.” She adds that she slept in Meathead’s bed, which hilariously prompts her mother to exclaim that she will put some birth control in the mail.

The Ultimate Real World Experience: religious education, followed by some love crap, ending with sex games.

 

Eyes and Ruthie Jr. play wrestle. She tells us she knows he has feelings for her and she doesn’t want to hurt him, but she didn’t go there to be in a relationship. Also, she’s apparently pretty hung up on Pablo from back home. Eyes tells us he doesn’t want to be the guy who ruins something for someone else. However, he’s not opposed to making a move if things with Pablo don’t work out.

Lips and Meathead play basketball, and he is surprised that the full-scholarship, Division I athlete is better than him. He’s not that bright, we know. Not really sure what the point of that scene was. I guess they’re friends?

The girls are getting ready to go out to dinner without the guys. The guys decide to go out too, but unfortunately for Eyes, Preston isn’t feeling up to it so he’s stuck with the two who aren’t speaking. Also, apparently when Preston isn’t feeling well he wears a short blonde wig straight out of The Sound of Music.

The house is alive… with the sound of drama…

 

Hair comes in and Eyes tells him that he feels awkward going out just the three of them. Hair says he doesn’t need to squash anything, he just needs an apology from Meathead. Eyes brings out his awesome sarcastic side that I am loving and says “We forgave slavery!”

“OMG, I was totally almost sold into slavery once! Or maybe that was gay porn…”

 

Meathead tells us he and his friends back home get over fights the next day, but Hair is too sensitive and it takes him longer. Meathead swallows his pride and apologizes and instantly everything is sunshine and roses and they guy-bond over beer/darts/fistpounding/etc.

Most of the roomies are enjoying their gigantic hot tub when Meathead reveals his lime-green sling of a swimsuit that I’m sure you’ve all seen in previews, so I’ll spare you for now. Meathead tells Eyes and Preston that he and Hair squashed their beef (not like that, you filthy-minded people), but meanwhile in Meathead’s bed:

Hair decides to squash his beef all over Meathead’s bed.

 

Meathead tells Eyes that a week after Pablo leaves, Ruthie Jr. is going to forget about him and realize she likes the Dreamy Eyes. Methinks Meathead is on to something.

So, I found this episode pretty entertaining. I love that the other roommates are already making fun of Hair, don’t you? Anyone else rooting for Jimmeh/Meathead or Eyes/Ruthie Jr. to hook up? What will you bring if I let you on my ark to save you from the flood of Hair’s tears? And how are you feeling about this season so far?