Real World: The Best Two Pumps of Your Life

Previously, on the Real World: There was a fun-loving, free-wheeling gal named Jimmeh, who had only ever known the love of black men. Along came a charming white Knight (just go with it), determined to be the first white man to penetrate her tattooed vajayjay. There was a bleachy-haired drama queen who had become smitten with the vapid smile of a charming young lady with a starfish in her hair. But things were not all so rosy for this drama queen, for he had also been struck with a bout of homophobia. Let us delve deeper into these fascinating turns of events in the midst of one rollicking good time known the land over as Mardi Gras.

Starfish appears to have decided that one large accessory on her head is not enough, and asks the group if they can all go out wearing masks one day. Lofty dreams, this one has.

I suppose when the inside of your head is empty, you have to decorate the outside as much as possible.

She is deemed a sexy mask-wearer by Eyes, who should not wear a mask because hiding that prettiness is just unnecessary. He may be too good to be true, as some of you have pointed out, but right now he’s damn good eye candy and let’s face it- that’s an important role to play. Hair thinks the sexiness of Starfish in a mask is a result of her “hot mouth,” which sounds like an STD he could have caught from that gay guy who kissed his neck. Methinks thou best get checked, o lover of drama.

Meathead declares that in the wake of Mardi Gras’ arrival, he is ready for some boobies. Sidenote: the background music of this scene is “When the Saints Go Marching In” and I’m pretty sure they were in “the NOLA” for the big Superbowl win, so are we going to get to see any celebration?

The roomies are out at a Mardi Gras party, beads flying and all that jazz. Jimmeh and Meathead are continuing their ongoing flirtation, which I find inexplicably endearing. I really don’t know why I like Meathead so much- it may be due to my fondness for Canadians, as he is practically a resident of the Great White North. But honestly, these two truly are star-crossed lovers: he is from way up north, and she is from way down south, and I realize that has little to do with being star-crossed, but it’s late and I’m tired. Point is, so far I like them.

I suppose I’m a romantic at heart after all.

Some other guy at the party asks Meathead if Jimmeh is his girl, and he sums it up perfectly: “That’s my uh…. we have fun.” Sometimes eloquence is unnecessary and overrated. Unfortunately, all fun must be broken up with more screentime for Hair. He tells us that he thinks Starfish is pretty while we watch him dance spastically and play with his hair.

Starfish has gone to bed with her companion, a toy apparently named Charles. I should mock this, but Toy Story 3 has made me feel guilty for neglecting my toys. Hair would like to sleep with someone, so he moves Charles and climbs into bed with Starfish.

Well, my goodness. Starfish seems to have a much different relationship with her toys than Andy did with his. Woody and Buzz would not approve.

She promptly kicks Hair out of bed, and he yammers at her for a few minutes while she remarkably just keeps smiling until he finally leaves. If that bitch interrupted my sleep I would take scissors to his hair and then throw him into a pit of smooching gay men.

Jimmeh cuddles up between Meathead and Preston, the latter of whom compares her to a fly on horse shit while the former chants “Pull my hair, smack my ass!” Legit, these two need to run for King and Queen of the Trailer Park Prom.

Lips and Meathead embark on some light arts and crafts, creating a large “Countdown to Jim Beam’s First White Guy” sign. Awww, I love it when the roomies assign nicknames to each other, it’s like they’re really friends! Meathead gives it 3 days, while Lips thinks it’s never going to happen. I’m with Meathead on this one: it’s going to happen, and soon. The roomies all throw in their 2 cents, and Meathead says now it’s a bet and he has to win to show them “what’s up.” My guess is that Little Meathead is what’s up.

Preston tells us that his childhood antics, such as playing with Barbies, were clues to the fact that he is gay. Well, at least his mom spent some of her crack money on Barbies, too bad his dad wasn’t there to buy him a baseball glove. Hair takes this all in while deeply contemplating his life.

“I only played with Ken dolls, so I’m straight. Some people are such queers.”

Preston brings up Kinsey’s theory that most people’s sexuality falls into a gray area that is not exclusively heterosexual or homosexual, which I happen to agree with. Of course Hair finds this preposterous, stating that he is 100% straight and could have sex with a lot of girls if he wanted to, so the thought that he’s slightly gay doesn’t make sense. Except not wanting to have sex with girls is kind of the definition of gay, so: YAY LOGIC!

Starfish has apparently consumed enough alcohol to decide it’s time to pay attention to Hair. They dance at the bar and then back at the house, she pretty much climbs into his lap while he’s on the phone and obliges his request for a kiss on the cheek. Then, much to his delight, she starts cuddling with him.

Producing what are quite possibly the most opposite reactions ever seen in the same cuddle session.

He asks her if she would like to go upstairs, and she says yes. Upon arrival, she decides to brush her teeth while he’s like a kid in a candy store. Or a virgin on prom night. Point is, he’s giddy. They brush their teeth side by side (weirdest foreplay ever?), after which she tells him the great thing about being roommates is that they don’t have to sleep in the same bed. This sudden change of heart causes Hair to be “weirded out.”

Our first visit of the season comes from Starfish’ friend Suze. She gets the requisite house tour and roommate introductions, including meeting Hair, who is naked in his bed. He tells us she’s pretty but he doesn’t know if they’ll click.

Preston gets a call from a guy he met at the gay bar. The important thing to take away from this is what said gay guy calls himself, which is “Big Thang.” OMG I just had a horrible mental image of a porno title “The Big Thang Theory.” Penny, stop doing such dirty things to Sheldon! Oh God, now all four of them are with her at once? NOOOOO! Time to wash my brain!

And you, Monkey in a Bonnet Holding a Phallic Banana, are NOT HELPING.

Preston tells Lips and Jimmeh about the phone call, and they are very excited and keep yelling “Big Thang” over and over again. Basically, they might hang out. Now can we PLEASE move on?!

Preston tells us about his sob story, but he tells it all so matter-of-factly that it doesn’t seem like a cry for attention, just a conversation between roommates getting to know each other. He’s been on his own since he was 16 and his mother stole his rent money to feed her crack cocaine addiction. As if that wasn’t enough, his father got stabbed while in prison and they didn’t speak for a decade. Preston spoke to him a month before coming to New Orleans and told him he was gay. He told his father the gay thing wasn’t his fault, but if he wanted to blame himself for something he could blame himself for being an absentee father. Yeah, that’s pretty rough. Good for Preston for turning into a seemingly well-adjusted adult.

Meathead declares that tonight he will conquer the foreign land known as Jimmeh’s tattooed nether region. Cue various rhymes including the words “Knight, white, right, tonight.”

Preston has met another gay friend named Maxwell. The jury is still out on the size of his thang, and I can live with that. Meanwhile, Meathead is still promising Jimmeh the best 2 pumps of her life.

“What are you looking at, ya hockey puck?!”

Back at the house, Starfish has apparently been deemed Mother Theresa due to her dislike of casual sex. Yes, Mother Theresa is most well-known for renouncing casual sex and preventing the ritual popping of the white-boy cherry. Starfish tells us she thinks it’s easy to be bad and do whatever you want, but much harder to be a good girl. Well yes, maybe when you look like Starfish. It’s probably easier for chubbies and uggos to be “good girls.”

After a lengthy stop in Jimmeh’s neck of the woods, her guilt train chugs along to park itself in Meatheadland. My favorite part is when she declares “Jimmeh doesn’t give it up that easy” because apparently she has not met Jimmeh. Meathead tells her sex can be fun, but she doesn’t think two pumps is fun. He thinks her opinions are goofy, she thinks casual sex is like binge eating: instant gratification followed by vomiting and/or the shits. Jimmeh has had enough and goes to bed clad only in a towel.

Preston and his guy of the night are getting frisky in the shower, but before things move to the bedroom he has to come ask Meathead for some condoms. While they’re getting it on, Big Thang (henceforth known as BT) calls, and Eyes tells him Preston is sleeping. The next morning, the lovers bid adieu, and Preston tells the girls the details while momentarily forgetting his lover’s name.

Hair fondles Starfish’ ear until she leaves to go shower, at which point he and Suze being play wrestling/flirting. Since Hair has all the smoothness of an eighth-grade boy, it’s nice and awkward and somehow causes him to bare-ass poor Ruthie Jr.’s bed.

New candidate for Weirdest Foreplay Ever?

Preston and BT go out on a date. Preston tells us he’s cute, and tall, and has a big thang, about which Preston is “pretty excited.” That’s what he said!

Everyone gets ready for another night out on the town. Meathead is once again in it to win it, and when Eyes tells Jimmeh she looks pretty Meathead calls him out for using his blackness as an unfair advantage. They also leave the front gate to the house wide open, which may be to prevent getting locked out again. However, this plan will allow access to other people. You know what brilliant plan allows only the residents to have access to their house? KEYS.

As they arrive on Bourbon Street, Hair tells us that both Starfish and Suze are being very flirtatious and he doesn’t know what to expect.

“Two girls held my hands and I… jizzed in my pants.”

Meathead and Jimmeh are flirting at the bar when a random named Jennifer approaches Meathead. Apparently she met and emailed him, but he doesn’t remember her. He probably just doesn’t recognize her since her face is all blurry. She should get that looked at. This causes Jimmeh’s jealousy to emerge in the form of bingeing on shots. Ruthie Jr. tells him he’s be an asshole to take her white boy v-card when she’s this drunk, and he unhappily agrees.

Outside, beads are being flung when Hair plants a really clumsy one on Suze. He has been looking for a cute girl to hook up with and is happy that Starfish planted one in front of him. Starfish is unhappy that Suze is apparently screwing her over to make out with Hair. Meanwhile, Jimmeh is schwasted and slurs her jealousy to Meathead. Then she tells him she’s pissed at him but she has to sleep in his bed. They already look like a couple and nothing has even happened yet. She yells out a suggestion to go to the gay bar, and he hilariously grabs her by the shoulders and pleadingly yells at her to “Sack up!”

Next thing you know, Jimmeh is having what Meathead dubs a “breakdown on Bourbon Street.” She’s sitting against a wall and keeps yelling for him, and he tells us he’s stuck babysitting. Cue montage of her being a mess and yelling for him (like the way Kristin used to yell Ste-PHENNN in season 1 of Laguna Beach, but drunker and with a Southern accent), and him reluctantly taking care of her.

Something tells me the Babysitter’s Club never had to deal with anything quite like this.

Back at the house, Meathead has had enough and now that she is home safely, wants his space. Of course, she’s wandering around the house yelling for him so he takes to hiding in various places and giggling nefariously. She’s practically in tears while Eyes and Lips tell him he’s being selfish by hiding because it’s causing problems for everyone else. I feel the need to convey that all of this is being done through laughter, which makes me happy because angry people are annoying. Meathead tells them he feels like Anne Frank hiding from the Nazis. HA!

“In spite of everything, I still believe that… I will be Jimmeh’s first white boy.”

When he hears Jimmeh approaching, Meathead pulls Eyes into the shower with him. Hey now, I think we’ve already reached the gay shower quota for one episode. MTV has some family values to uphold, after all. They’re talking, though, so she finds them anyway. When she realizes Meathead’s been hiding from her, she starts crying again and he says that even though she’s crazy, she’s a good friend of his and he finally gives in. They go to call her mother, and she squeals, in a high-pitched, slurry Southern accent “Iwantyouwhereyouat?” (I think. Let’s face it, under the circumstances, enunciation is far to much to expect.)

Meathead and I can barely control our laughter while Mama Jimmeh has had enough, especially since it’s probably the middle of the night. Before she can hang up, Meathead takes the phone and tells Alice that he’ll make sure Jimmeh is all right. I don’t know why, but I find it adorable that not only is he taking care of her (however reluctant he was), but that he already knows her mother on a first-name basis and feels the need to reassure her. Again, I’m not sure why I find him so endearing, but I just do.

In far less pleasant news, Starfish is trying to get Suze to leave while hair is trying to get Starfish out of the way so he can mack on her some more. They decide to play Rock Paper Scissors to decide whether or not to kiss goodnight.

Which provides Hair with his third submission of the episode for Weirdest Foreplay Ever.

Starfish is still hovering around them while brushing her teeth, asking if they played RPS to decide whether to kiss. Meanwhile, Preston is not getting cockblocked as he makes out with BT in the Olympic-sized hot tub, and in front of the fireplace. Hair is super-excited about kissing Suze, because he really is an eighth grade boy I guess. And poor Meathead is just hanging out with Ruthie Jr. listening to Preston get some while Jimmeh has finally passed the fuck out. And Starfish finds Suze hiding/cuddling with Hair next to his bed and drags her away to put her in her taxi.

Hot damn, looks like the Statue of Liberty did a LOT of boob flashing last night!

The next morning, we learn that though he may have a lot of casual sex, at least Preston changes his sheets after. Oh wait, apparently that was just so they could have a mid-day romp. Preston asks poor Meathead for condoms AGAIN. He had better reimburse him for those. And poor Meathead had better get laid soon.

Hair, aka Prudy McPruderson, is of course disgusted by the though of the gay sex that is happening on the same property. Oh, and in case you forgot, he’s against casual sex.

While getting ready to go out, Hair calls Preston an asshole. I can’t tell and don’t care if he’s joking. Preston threatens to sit on his face, which would cause him to “literally die and throw up.” Holy crap, this guy hates gayness so much his corpse will be able to perform bodily functions! Both of them “ew” at the thought of hooking up with each other because remember, we are in middle school here. Preston, despite having though Hair was cute on the first day, claims to like better looking men. Hair insists he is better looking than BT, and tells us that he’s hated Preston since day 1. So I guess that whole makeup scene in the middle of the night with the promise to get coffee the next day was all part of a clever ruse to seduce Preston and then reject him? I don’t know.

“Hey, stop pointing out inconsistencies in my behavior. Your silly logic is getting in the way of my DRAMA DRAMA DRAMA!”

Out at the bar, Starfish is still pretending to be grossed out by Hair and Suze. Meanwhile, Meathead tells Jimmeh he’s going to the bathroom and she says he’s learning. Oh man, these two are so infatuated with each other and he is already tattood-pussy-whipped. I’m torn between wanting to know what that tattoo is and thinking ignorance is probably bliss. On the way home, Starfish tries to get Suze to go back to her hotel instead of going home with Hair, but Suze sneaks into the car anyway. Honestly, Starfish, what is the big deal? Besides the fact that Suze is a grown adult, all Hair is going to do is cuddle with her and- if he’s feeling especially frisky- flip a coin to decide whether or not to kiss her. Methinks Starfish might actually want Hair all to herself again.

Back at the house, Hair convinces Suze to put on his shirt and boxers and go in the hot tub. But first, they must sneak past the Starfish monster. He pretends to be pissed that she’s being a cockblock, but in reality he just loves the drama and the attention. Starfish sees Suze sneaking (say that 3 times fast) and tells us that she is sad her friend would rather hang out with Hair. Except that you wanted her to go back to the hotel alone, so in that cause you would not have been spending time with her right now anyway, Starfish.

Meathead tells us AGAIN that tonight is the night, but this time he’s actually right! Jimmeh is glad to have someone she can trust that is there for her. They climb into bed and then we cut to some fountain shots.

What? It’s just a pretty fountain! This is not at all symbolic of anything, get your filthy minds out of the gutter you dirty whores!

Either MTV wanted to give them some privacy (HA!) or it really was only two pumps, because we cut right back to Meathead giving us two thumbs up from under the covers. Jimmeh also gives two thumbs up and tells us she’s glad she gave her white boy v-card to her “little homey.” Awww, poor Meathead. Then she asks if he’ll be mad if she doesn’t sleep there, but he says it’s cool. She tells us there are no emotions (yeah, we’ll see about that) or cuddling, just “get it done and get back to life.” Meathead is proud he proved himself to all of the haters.

The next morning, Suze gets up and leaves bright and early. When Starfish wakes up and finds out she left without saying goodbye, it hurts her more than Suze hooking up with Hair. We get some shots of pictures of the two of them back in their young adolescence, just to illustrate how they’re BFFL and how sad this makes Starfish.

Meathead hangs Jimmeh’s bra from a plant in his room. Starfish thinks it’s hers because she has the same one, and Lips asks him to take it down because it’s trashy. He tells her it’s his side of the room and he hasn’t put anything up yet. He tells us he’s indifferent to whether or not they’ll hook up again, but women fall in love once they “have a dip of the Knight stick.” Lips thinks they won’t be able to keep it as casual sex and that problems are on the horizon. She may be right.

Interior decoration, Frats ‘R Us style.

Next week: Toothbrushgate! Also, did a swab from the Knight stick cure Jimmeh of her jungle fever?

I’m still enjoying this season, especially compared to DC. Hair is still annoying and constantly reminding me that he is a middle school boy trapped in a high school boy’s body. I guess it’s an upgrade from him being a middle school girl, but either way I’m totally over him. Thoughts on what looks like a continuing battle between him and Preston? So far, I like Preston and am totally on his side. Also, I’m happy for Meathead and Jimmeh getting that out of the way. I definitely think they’ve got crushes on each other though, what do you guys think?

Previously, on the Real World: There was a fun-loving, free-wheeling gal named Jimmeh, who had only ever known the love of black men. Along came a charming white Knight (just go with it), determined to be the first white man to penetrate her tattooed vajayjay. There was a bleachy-haired drama queen who had become smitten with the vapid smile of a charming young lady with a starfish in her hair. But things were not all so rosy for this drama queen, for he had also been struck with a bout of homophobia. Let us delve deeper into these fascinating turns of events in the midst of one rollicking good time known the land over as Mardi Gras.