Well, this is interesting: instead of previouslies, we get all of the roommates telling us everything we already know about Hair- he’s annoying, immature, a bitch, always looking for a fight, and apparently they all hate him as much as we do. Hair, on the other hand, claims to be “everyone’s friend” back home, but doesn’t get along with his roommates. Pop quiz: when seven mostly reasonable people say one thing, and your tweaked out brain says something else, who’s being ridiculous? It’s probably you.
Newsflash: No one at home loves you, they just tolerate you better because they don’t have to live with you.
Our episode begins with all of the roomies- minus Hair- practicing for some golf tournament or something. Many shenanigans ensue, complete with terrible golf skills, getting lost on Wisteria Lane in a golf cart, and another golf cart getting stuck in the mud. Eyes tells us it’s amazing how much more fun they have without Hair, and Starfish remarks how pleasant their car ride is when no one is using gay slurs for no reason.
I think Starfish would rather have Tiger Woods creepin on her than be practicing her golf swing.
And now, our desperate little housewives are cleaning when Hair asks Meathead for the keys so he can go get some food. He leaves and of course the roomies begin to bitch about him never doing anything around the house. Preston wishes the rest of them would back him up when he calls Hair out for this. Ruthie Jr. claims that she usually tells him how she feels about everything he does.
Eyes comes in and asks if Hair took the car somewhere. When he hears that Hair went to eat, Eyes is confused because apparently they were supposed to go eat together. Jimmeh thinks “that kid is on some not good stuff.” This turns into a full on Hair bashing session, as they complain about him always taking the car and never paying for anything. Starfish likens him to a mosquito bite: ”You’re still gonna have a good day, and you’re still gonna live your life, but you’re gonna have this little itch that kinda hurts and is just annoying, and just bothers you, and prevents you from having a perfect day.” Don’t worry, there’s Penicillin for that. I would also recommend not hanging out with rapists, although it has been a few episodes since she blacked out and disappeared with a stranger, so maybe she’s learning.
Hey, just be glad he stopped hitting on you. Probably because your starfish got in the way of his ear-fondling.
Preston declares that he doesn’t want to hear any more Hair talk, so Meathead decides he should go pee on Hair’s toothbrush. Laughs all around, until Hair walks in and is met with crickets. He asks what happened, and Eyes calls him out for ditching their plans. Hair claims that he didn’t think Eyes really wanted to go. A simpler solution might have been to ask Eyes whether or not he really wanted to go, but that would not provide the high level of drama that Hair craves.
Morning. Hair sleeps while Lips suggest to a couple of roomies that they need to sit Hair down and tell him everything they don’t like. Good God, woman, who has that kind of time?! Oh wait, unemployed people who are contractually obligated to sit around having conversations have that kind of time. Ruthie Jr. thinks that will make Hair feel attacked. She is obviously correct because everything anyone has ever done in the vicinity of Hair offends him somehow. Starfish thinks it’s worse to sit around and talk about him behind his back.
Ruthie Jr. tells us she feels the need to stick up for Hair because of his deep dark confession to only her about his IOCD. Since she can’t tell anyone, she’s stuck in the middle. The question here is: who is the clown to the left of you, and who is the joker to the right? Cause Hair’s kind of both, no?
Preston announces to Hair and Meathead that there will be a house meeting that night. Hair declines the invitation, but Preston says it is not optional. He tells us he doesn’t want to sit there and listen to the roommates tell him what he’s doing wrong. Well, he could always stop being such a difficult roommate, but there we go with the “that won’t cause enough drama” mind set.
“I do hair, learning basic social skills isn’t my thing.”
Eyes feels that he can reason with this fool, so he sits him down one-on-one for a friendly conversation instead of a house meeting. He brings up the car and ditching their dinner plans. Hair claims to be respectful with the car but recognizes that the dinner thing was rude. Or at least, he says he does. Eyes brings up the cleaning thing too, but Hair brushes that off and says he’s sick of “walking on eggshells.” Dude, eggs probably shatter in your presence for fear of offending you somehow. Hair claims that he doesn’t respect his roommates enough to care about being a tolerable person but if he does improve himself it will be for him. Eyes tells us he thinks Hair understands what he’s been doing wrong, but it still remains to be seen whether or not Hair will change.
Eyes tells Preston about his conversation with Hair, and Preston asks if Hair was unaware. He is surprised to hear Eyes say that Hair apparently did know what was going on.
Hair gets on the Alex the Phone with his brother to tell him about the roommates having a problem with him. He takes very much delight in how annoying he is because he’s kind of a sociopath.
Get your sick, twisted self away from poor, defenseless Alex. He’s been through enough!
Damn, a certain sandwich chain has certainly paid the big bucks for product placement this season. Between this and Chuck, they must have quite the advertising budget. I suppose they’ve got to do something now that Jared got fat again. Lips, Preston, Jimmeh, and Ruthie Jr. are having a picnic in the park when Preston calls a guy with a dog over so they can pet him. The dog then promptly steals and goes to town on Preston’s sandwich. Well, let this be a lesson to anyone who thought it was a good idea to bring a dog to a picnic.
Hair gets on the phone with his brother, who will soon arrive for a visit. Back at the picnic, Jimmeh says she is curious about Hair’s brother, because she can figure out the other roomies’ friends, but not him. They muse that Brother would have to be more mature than Hair because, well, so is the average three year old. Cut to Hair and Brother on the phone saying “stinky butt” back and forth to each other. Well, I’ll bet Preston smoked a few stinky butts awhile back.
Apparently Ruthie Jr. and Eyes made some friends on Mardi Gras day, but we wouldn’t know that because we were too busy watching Jimmeh confess to Meathead while Starfish disappeared (I don’t actually remember if she did, but the odds on any given day are better than even). Anyway, Preston refers to them as the “Queer Connect” and mentions one named Marty specifically. Preston and the Queer Connect, which is begging to be a hipster band name, go through a book of sexual positions as Preston tells us that Marty is a cutie and “more importantly” is also very sweet. What is this talk, Preston? Who ARE you? You don’t have feelings! He gives the old “we’ll see what happens” with a hopeful grin on his face.
Preston and Marty go on a little date (datelet?) the next day to an ice cream shop. Preston says everything about Marty is new to him.
Except for licking phallic things.
Preston says it’s nice to be real with someone. Translation: he is crushing, hard. He says he usually objectifies men but Marty is different.
And then, back at the house, the shouting begins as Brother and Cousin arrive. We don’t get many shots of their faces, nor their names or even a clear distinction of which one is Brother and which one is Cousin. My first thought is that they’re with the Witless Protection Program, but the more likely scenario is that they are embarrassed to be associated with Hair. Jimmeh tells us that Brother and Cousin are exactly like him, but with brown hair. I’m distracted though, because holy crap, I just noticed that Jimmeh has the bluest eyes EVER:
Or should I say “She’s got eyes of the bluest skies…”
Out at the bar, when Hair has stepped away, Meathead asks Brother if Hair is okay and brings up the incident in which he repeatedly hit his head against the car window. His brother appreciates the concern but says Hair is fine. Meathead says he’s concerned and none of the roommates can get through to him but maybe his family can.
Hair is hitting on a girl, but more importantly, Eyes is hitting on her friend. He tells us he’s really attracted to this girl, whose name is Michelle, even though he hates to compare her to Ruthie Jr. Dude, stop thinking about her and just GET SOME!
Well, it seems to be going well since she joins him back at the house and meets the roomies and gets a house tour. And THEN, she’s climbing into his bed wearing his clothes, and he’s looking forward to getting some when…
Why yes, yes she does: It’s 1-800-COCKBLOCK
Eyes tells us he’s “berating this girl, who’s in my bed… in my clothes… hanging out with ME.” Poor, poor Eyes. Presumably, he has had other hookups in NOLA, but we haven’t seen any so for all we know Hair is cockblocking a rare opportunity for Eyes. And just like that, she’s jumping out of bed saying she needs to go home. Eyes tries to get her to stay, but she feels weird being there. Eyes and his blue balls reluctantly walks her out. He heads back into the house and asks some roomies what Hair said to the girl. He concludes that Hair is “like Kryptonite with normal people.”
The next morning, everyone is still sleeping so it must be before… noon, I suppose. Hair and Brother are in Hair’s bed when Cousin dives in to join them. Meanwhile, the other bed in the room houses one lonely, frustrated occupant.
… Who deserves to wake up to a pretty girl, not this freak show.
Just to add insult to injury, they begin a chorus of farts as Eyes tells us they are “like the Three Stooges and All-American Rejects combined.” Hey now, the Three Stooges are beloved by many. I do see the emo hipster comparison with AAR though. He says his irritability level in the house is usually a 3 or a 4, but “the instant that Brother and Cousin have been here, I’ve been riding on an 8.”
And last night, he could have had an 8 riding on him. Hey-oh!
Oh, great. It’s Hair’s birthday and he’s excited. Awesome. I hope your mother and father take this day to reflect on what they have inflicted on the world. He heads down to Bourbon St. with Brother and Cousin. They see dogs with money attached to them and Hair says he’s supposed to get money pinned to him for his birthday. Brother and/or Cousin pin $2 to his shirt. Hey, wasn’t Lips’ brother supposed to visit for his 21st? Are we going to get to see that? Anyway, after some day drinking, the Three Rejects hop in a cab back to the house. I should probably mention here that they drove down earlier.
The Three Rejects return to the house, greet various roomies, and head to the backyard. Meanwhile, the roomies tell us and each other how weird these three are. Lips tells Ruthie Jr. that they like to hit each other in the balls. Outside, the trio cannot remember where they parked the COMMUNAL car. He calls out to Preston, asking where the car is, and the roomies tell him they thought he had the car. Later, Eyes tells Hair they need to find it. Hair says he parked it “a block off Bourbon.” Eyes says it will get towed, and Hair says they’ll be carless the whole time, but at least they’ve got feet.
If Hair is not careful, someone’s feet are going up his ass.
Meathead tells us that when he got here, he was stuck in his frat-boy ways, but hanging out with Preston and Marty has opened him up a bit. He sits between them on the couch, and it turns into a game of gay chicken that Meathead promptly loses. Cut to Preston and Marty making out and then getting into bed as Preston tells us that everything feels so natural with him, and he gets more attractive the more Preston gets to know him. They must have sex, because we cut away to the shot of the fountain.
The next morning, they play wrestle and Preston tells us that it’s good for him to be more open with his emotions… “although it’s highly nauseating.” Haha.
After Marty leaves, Eyes tells Preston they need to find the car. Preston muses that it was ridiculous to drive to Bourbon St. when you know you’ll be drinking. Preston and Eyes head out to play Dude, Where’s Our Car? because Hair is a child who expects mommy to wipe his ass.
As they walk around looking for the car, Eyes says Hair should lose driving privileges after this incident. Preston says he can see Eyes’ anger rising, and Eyes says sometimes he snaps but he doesn’t want to do it in front of Brother/Cousin.
Back at the house, Hair wakes up and Brother/Cousin tell him that Eyes/Preston went looking for the car. Hair asks if they’ll be able to find it and Bro or Cous says “it’s like finding an easter egg in a cornfield” which they find hilarious. Meanwhile, as they’re still walking the streets, Eyes says he claimed he parked parallel to Bourbon “but he’s also an idiot.” And then finally, after 2 hours, they find the car. Damn, that is insane. I’d be REALLY pissed. And despite their insistence of parking parallel to the beach, they actually parked perpendicular. Eyes: ”That non-third-grade-educated BASTARD!” Haha, I like Eyes even when he’s angry. In the confessional, he gives as a lesson on parallel and perpendicular… “It’s not the SAME!”
Wrong finger dude. But I am enjoying all of the screencaps I have of you tonight.
Back at the house, the Unholy Trinity are looking for their skateboards and Eyes says they’re outside. Lips can’t believe he didn’t even thank Eyes/Preston. Good lord, who raised these fucking asshole morons? They must come from a ridiculously coddling family, and are completely incapable of dealing with the real world, let alone the Real World. Jimmeh thinks Hair “sucks at life” for not thanking them. Well put, Jimmeh. Lips tells us that Eyes is going to explode at some point.
Preston’s friend Allie has come from Boston for a visit, and she’s very excited when he tells her about Marty. Preston says they have deep conversations and give each other advice. Allie is amazed because Preston never cares about guys, and Preston says he goes through them like paper towels. She’s excited to meet him.
Ominous music tells me it’s time for more Hair. He’s out at the bar with BroCous and tells us that the roomies want to hate him regardless, so he might as well be a total douche. I would like to see one shred of evidence to support this. The trio return to the house at 2 AM and proceed to ring the doorbell, while all of the other roomies appear to be sleeping. LAME! Hair hops the fence (miraculously, he does not appear to injure his precious shoulder this time!) and walks around the house yelling. When he gets to his room, Eyes asks if he’s really bitching about them not answering the doorbell for 15 minutes after Eyes went and found the car for him. Hair asks if he’s freaking out over the car like that’s somehow not a valid reaction? They start yelling at each other and Hair’s excuses is that it’s his birthday? Eyes tells him “DON’T DRIVE TO FUCKING BOURBON STREET!” Then Eyes threatens to knock him the fuck out and tells him not to say one more word, while Hair keeps babbling many, many more words. Holy shit, I want to hit him FOR Eyes at this point. Hair says Eyes is nothing to him, but then he FINALLY leaves the room. Good lord, that was SO FRUSTRATING to watch. People like him positively make my blood boil.
The good part is that we get a whole long scene of Eyes wearing this.
Soup kitchen! Where’s Loretta? Not here, sadly. Ruthie Jr. and Meathead ask Eyes what happened, and he says everything Hair had been doing made him flip. He knew it would happen eventually, but he didn’t want to do it in front of BroCous. They talk about how much more annoying Hair has been since they arrived, and how much fun they had at the golf outing without him. Eyes wants to tell him to go home with his family, and Meathead nods in agreement.
Out at dinner, Allie and Marty seem to be getting along and Meathead calls Marty Preston’s boyfriend, prompting a sharp elbow from Preston. In the confessional, Preston asks “Can I be <epic pause> committed?” Apparently that’s a hard word to say. Feelings are so scary, Gasmii!
Back at the house, Preston tells Allie he doesn’t like titles, so he and Marty are “friends… ish.” They talk about building emotional walls and all of the usual crap we hear on EVERY.SINGLE.SEASON.
Well, apparently Preston decided over the commercial break that there are no need for walls with Marty! BREAKTHROUGH! That was fast. Allie makes quick work of her patients. Marty respects Preston, yadda yadda yadda. Is Hair leaving or not?
Oh wait, first we have to learn that Preston and Marty are officially boyfriends. Wow, he got over his fear of labels too! Lips gets their recorder for that radio station gig they sort of had once. She conducts an interview, but you know it’s probably not getting recorded anyway. Eyes’ official on the record comment: ”I never thought Preston could handle only one penis at a time.”
The girls are in the car and think that Hair should go home because he obviously has issues and is much happier being around BroCous. Apparently because of the “rumors” around the house, the roomies all have to go to a prescription drug class. Hair, of course, thinks this is ridiculous despite the fact that he is the CAUSE of this entire problem in the first place. He thinks it’s a joke.
The joke here is on anyone who thinks anything can get through your UNBELIEVABLY THICK SKULL!
The other seven roommates arrive at the class and tell the teacher to start because they don’t think Hair is coming. He does show up though, of course accusing people of talking about him. Lips is appalled to see that he brought a beer to this. Hair thinks it’s fine, everyone else thinks it’s ridiculous, what else is new? During the class, Hair is doodling on his paper. Jimmeh: ”I look over, and <Hair> is playing tic-tac-toe with himself… and LOSING!” HAHA! Awesome, Jemms.
Ruthie Jr. tries to ask questions that pertain to Hair, but he’s too busy rolling his entire head around because just rolling his eyes isn’t enough, I guess. Eyes tells us he’s completely detached.
Eyes tries to initiate a house meeting when they get home, but Hair runs away as always. Starfish tells him they want to talk to him, but he says he doesn’t want to talk to them. And apparently he is only capable of doing what he wants, which is no surprise because that’s how three year olds work. Starfish yells downstairs to the waiting roomies, telling them to come upstairs and talk to him. Hair keeps running to different places in the house, but I don’t know where he thinks he’s going to hide since there are seven of them. Eyes follows him around, telling him they don’t like how he’s been acting. Ruthie Jr. tells him they want to talk to him like civil human beings, but he is incapable of that. The river of tears starts to form in his eyes.
The roomies sit around and all agree that Hair should leave. Okay, obviously I know roomies get sent home for violence and whatnot, but can they literally get voted out solely for being annoying? Because I’m pretty sure that’s what happened just now. And it’s pretty damn awesome, I must say.
Eyes tries to talk to Hair, who claims that since he’s not around much, he doesn’t affect anyone. Eyes says bringing beer to the drug abuse meeting made them all look bad. Hair tries to talk over him, so Eyes says he’ll talk when Hair is done. Hair says he’s never done talking, because apparently he’s a lunatic that everyone hates. Well, I’m not going to argue. Eyes says that everyone wants him gone and Ruthie Jr. joins them and chimes in to say that he’s inconsiderate. He thinks everyone is inconsiderate to him, of course. He brings up the toothbrush incident, and Ruthie Jr. throws the cigarette thing back at him.
MTV is determined to make sure we do not forget this lovely image.
Hair says something about Meathead having the biggest mouth in the house, and Meathead walks in threatening to knock him out. He bitches at Hair for being a liar, and I assume he’s referring to the Percocet incident. Eyes says “If you don’t change, we want you to leave.” Starfish clarifies: ”No. We want you to leave, cause you’re not gonna change.” Hahaha AWESOME Starfish! Preston tells him to pack his bags and kick rocks, and he threatens to fight Preston, who calls him on his bluff. Hair tells him to come outside, but Preston knows better than to take this public. Ruthie Jr. takes this opportunity to lock Hair out of the house.
The roomies vote him out of the house again, this time with a more formal hand-raising ballot. Hair scales the fence (AGAIN, without hurting his precious little shoulder) and gets into the house. He runs upstairs…
… And prepares to launch Niagara Falls from his eyeballs.
He walks past the house meeting to the phone room and calls Bro, asking him to come over. Bro arrives and heads upstairs, while Meathead tells us he wishes Hair had told him about his problems instead of separating himself. Hair says each and every one of them is a douchebag, and Meathead says he crossed the line with his lying. Hair tells Bro he’s so happy and Bro says as long as he’s sure. The roomies are happy he’s leaving, although Eyes says he didn’t intend for it to go down this way. Hair says he came to the house on top of the world, but he’s leaving annoyed and with enemies. He can’t wait to go home and live with normal people who aren’t them. I don’t even know what to say to that.
The roomies watch from the window as he gets picked up in a Range Rover. Jimmeh: ”That’s the most badass thing he’s done since he’s BEEN here!” Jimmeh with the lolz tonight, ladies and gentlegasmii. We close on a sign that says “Be Nice or Leave!” Subtlety, thy name is MTV/Bunim Murray.
Next week: Pablo visits, and is apparently exactly the asshole we thought he was. Hopefully Eyes is off with some girl being awesome.
Well, it is QUITE the relief to be finished with this episode. I’m not going to miss Hair one bit, all he did was annoy me. As I said, people like him just make my blood boil. Anyone going to miss him at all? Anyone wish he left weeks ago? I think Preston and Marty are cute together so far, not that we have much to go from. What do you guys think? Not much else really happened this episode, did it?