Real World: Three Counts of Roomiecest!

Previously:  Adam pretended to be a badass to impress Nany.  There was a whole fuckload of drama over a game of Truth or Dare played by people in their mid-twenties.

Currently:  Various roommates are legitimately cleaning.  For real, I can’t remember the last time I saw someone using a vacuum in a Real World dwelling.  Is it just me, or do a lot of the roommates seem like they’re actually legitimate people this year instead of cartoon characters?  I mean, they’re dramatic and all, but they also seem to be mildly conscious of the world around them (other than Adam).

Adam and Nany are going downstairs to get breakfast.  Roy Lee wisely avoids joining that clusterfuck since he does not understand why Nany is putting herself in that position and warns that a storm is coming.

Literally, apparently.  Cloudy with a chance of infidelity!

Adam has a shit-eating grin on his face the entire time they’re walking down to breakfast.  Meanwhile, the other roomies debate the appropriateness of the situation.  The girls seem to think it’s much ado about nothing, but the guys say they wouldn’t like being Jordy in this situation.  I think I agree with the guys on this one.

Adam tells Nany that he’s glad they’re at breakfast together because he wanted to tell her (for the umpteenth time if anyone’s counting) that he thinks she’s really cute and it’s weird to live with her.  Nany claims it’s difficult for her too because she’s attracted to Adam but she’s the only one in the house with a significant other.  I agree with all of you who think she clearly wasn’t entirely happy in her relationship to begin with.  She came to Vegas looking for an excuse and she found one.  Jordy seems like a good guy from those few 30 second phone calls, but I think it has a lot more to do with the fact that she’s been with him since she was 15 and needs to be single for at least a little while as an adult.  Also, it annoys me to no end that she’s only thinking about breaking up with Jordy since she’s got Adam on the hook.  But I digress.

For those of you who miss Spencer’s disappearing/reappearing flesh colored beard (which is probably no one), I hereby present Adam’s disappearing/reappearing head wound!

The roommates are getting ready to go go-kart racing, and Dustin is very critical of his roomies’ wardrobe choice, because he is an expert on these things.  It’s a big part of his life and he takes it serious.  LY.  I wish more reality television personalities understood the concept of an adverb.

BREAKING NEWS:  Adam and Nany are BFFs.  This involves hugging/walking with their arms around each other, which is evidently the appropriate level of “touchy-feely.”  I now return you to your regularly scheduled recap…

When they arrive, MikeMike asks for a racing suit to wear, and it’s as adorable as you’d expect.  Dustin wanders off from the group so he can map out the course.  He is beyond excited and convinced that he will win.  As she’s being buckled in, Naomi asks which pedal is the gas and which is the break.  I laughed until she reminded us that she’s from the Bronx, and it is true that a large percentage of people from the NYC boroughs have never driven a car.  Naomi says she doesn’t ride cars, she rides boys.

“So then I crashed because I had to make the little L with my hand so I knew which side was left.”

There’s a crash at one point, which DEEPLY offends Dustin.  He continues to get angry at everyone else for apparently ruining his ability to win the race.  At one point he proclaims, “Racing is the most extreme form of driving.”  That’s deep.  Adam ends up winning, and Dustin throws a shit fit temper tantrum.

Throwing a temper tantrum is the most extreme form of being a whiny man-child.

Apparently this was not a race, it was “a bunch of people riding around in circles on a go-kart.”  OH, IS THAT WHAT THAT WAS?  I HADN’T NOTICED.  One of the employees handed everyone their placements, and Dustin threw his second place piece of paper away.

Back at the house, Adam and Nany cuddle with each other and their wine glasses.  Meanwhile, Roy Lee is pretending to hump the back of Naomi’s head because he’s sophisticated when it comes to seduction.  They ask if he would be pissed if Naomi banged MikeMike, and Roy Lee says no.  He says he’ll get it regardless, and he likes sloppy seconds.  I’m also pretending the subtext of that is he’d be happy his bro MikeMike got laid.

Nany says there’s sexual tension between her and Adam, but she’s constantly worrying about her boyfriend.  Adam plays with Nany’s hair.  I know, I know, how riveting.

BTDubbs, this is what “constantly worrying about boyfriend” looks like in the Nany-English dictionary.  In case you ever need a reference.

Dustin tells us there’s something between him and Teacup, in case you didn’t hear him the other 35 times, but he’s worried because they live together.  Roy Lee tells him to just hook up and stop acting like he’s in a relationship.  MikeMike continues to be awesome and tells us he’s tired of talking about it, especially since Dustin just ignores everything they say to him anyway.  I’m with MikeMike, as usual.  I’ll be interested again when she finally finds out about his gay porn past, because that is something I can safely say I have not seen on the Real World before.  Aren’t you guys glad we can still have these firsts after 25 seasons?

This Week in Adam is a Douchetard:  Adam talks to his “kind of girlfriend” on video chat.  She hears him say that and doesn’t like it.  He tells us that in her mind they’re still together, but in his mind they’re single… well, he’s single.  He tells her he loves her when they say goodbye.  Then he tells Nany and Teacup that he was dating Jordan and another girl at the same time for two months and that Jordan is just some crazy 18 year old girl who thinks they’re in a relationship.  Ugh, “biggest drug dealer in the state” and you’re dating a high schooler?  Yeah right, but keep thinking you’re a badass.  He also claims that every guy cheats and MikeMike gets picked on because he’s the 1% that doesn’t.  MikeMike just smiles and gives a thumbs up because he is rightfully proud not to be associated with Adam the Douche.

MikeMike’s future as a well-adjusted human being is as bright as that smile.

Nany says that she doesn’t know what to think about Adam and he’s ruining the genuine image she had of him.  No word on where that image came from in the first place.

MikeMike asks which NY borough he would fit in, and Roy Lee says Manhattan.  This causes MikeMike to make a Great Gatsby reference, which flies high over the heads of his roomies.  Roy Lee claims that the last book he read was Goosebumps.

Unfortunately, we don’t get to find out if he read Goosebumps as a child or last week, because it’s time for more Nany/Jordy drama.  I’m far more interested in whether or not Naomi still reads The Babysitter’s Club, but apparently that’s not enough drama.  In short, he’s behaving and she claims she is too.  She wonders aloud to us if she’s wasting her time/youth by stressing out.  Yes, Nany, you are, but that’s not Jordy’s fault, so pick a side- be with him or don’t.

Out at da club, the roomies are celebrating Naomi’s birthday.  BUT- scandal of all scandals- it is NOT actually her birthday!  Nany reveals this to a busboy who works at da club.  Oh, Nany is kind of flirting with him, so I guess that is also scandalous.

I see how it is Naomi- your unruly hair is symbolic of your WEB OF LIES.

Roy Lee tells us that Nany is off limits, as is Teacup (understatement), so the only available girl in the house is Naomi.  Naomi knows he’s attracted to her, and Roy Lee is certain that he will hit it.  I say go for it, they’re not the sharpest knives in the drawer but I like them both so far and they’ll probably be the least annoying roommate hookup.

Dustin and Teacup make out in some corner of the suite, much to the disgust of Roy Lee.  He and Naomi agree via confessional that it’s gross and “this is Vegas.”  Adam and MikeMike play pool and discuss the possibility of a Roy Lee/Naomi hookup, for which they agree to be enablers.  Adam also gives MikeMike full permission to be an enabler for himself and Nany.

Speaking of Nany, Jordy calls and is angry about the busboy from da club.  He is pissed that she’s flirting and claims it was her choice to stay with him.  She gets pissed and hangs up on him, then demands to know which of her roomies talked to her boyfriend while she was sleeping.  They all claim not to even know who the busboy is, so it wasn’t any of them.

After a commercial break for us to ponder these game-changing twists, Adam advances a theory:  Jordy logged onto Nany’s email account and saw one from the busboy, then tried to blame a roommate.  Adam figured this out because it’s exactly what he would have done, except he would have been better about it.  So clearly by crushing on Adam, Nany is looking for another relationship that is exactly the same.  Anyway, Adam advances this theory to Nany, who says she’s already changed her password and tells us that going six years in a relationship with no trust is doing something wrong.  No shit, Sherlock.

Detective Douche to the rescue!

Nany calls Jordy back to have a more civil conversation.  He says the busboy seemed to think she was single and she says he shouldn’t go through her email.  Oh wait, never mind on the civil part, she just hung up on him again.  Ugh, Jordy seems like a decent guy up until now, but going through her email is really sketchy.

MikeMike does not think Nany will hook up with Adam, but Dustin wholeheartedly disagrees.  And Dustin has an overactive heart, so when he disagrees wholeheartedly that is no joke.  MikeMike tells us Dustin is the peanut gallery, and he thinks his two cents is a million bucks.  Ooh, nice turn of phrase, MikeMike.

Nany and Naomi lay in bed and discuss the fact that Nany’s relationship is flawed.  She says her boyfriend is nothing like the man she wants and needs in her life.  Yes, I would classify that as a flaw in your relationship.  May I also point out that Adam seems to have strikingly similar flaws to your boyfriend?  Naomi encourages Nany to “just do you.”

Now it is morning, and the roomies are getting ready and heading out to their first day of work at the Professional Bull Riding tour.  So for the rest of the episode, when they say PBR, that is what they mean.  They are not referring to that piss-water beer you probably drank in college.

He’s pretty cute, but I wish Jet and Cord from Amazing Race were there.  ”Oh my gravy!”  Yes, I am a dork.

The cowboy declares bull riding the only sport that is “man vs. beast.”  Upon hearing that bulls are about 10 times the weight/size of the average person, Adam promptly starts begging to ride a bull.

The roomies get to work and Dustin proclaims that it “feels good to be getting my man on.”  Dude, POOR choice of words for a gay porn star who is trying to prove his heterosexuality.  Just sayin’.

Speaking of “getting his man on,” once Adam’s repeated pleas to ride a bull have been answered, Dustin suddenly decides that he would also like to partake in this most masculine of traditions.  Long story short, Adam last less than three seconds, Dustin last less than two seconds.  Here’s hoping for the sake of the female roomies that this is not indicative of their bedroom performances.  They both emerge relatively unscathed, but Dustin gets a bruise on his leg and Adam proclaims him too much of a crybaby to be a cowboy.

Dude, Dustin’s too much of a crybaby to play Truth or Dare.  Being a cowboy is not in his GALAXY of manliness.

Back at the suite, MikeMike says he needs to tell Roy Lee something.  Dustin wants to know what it is, and is persistent enough to annoy MikeMike to the point that he once again calls Dustin out for being self-centered.  He brings up Dustin jumping on the bull-riding bandwagon, causing Adam to take MikeMike’s side.  MikeMike goes into Reverend Awesome mode and tells Dustin to get off his high horse (or bull, if you will), and start caring about the other roomies.  RA says they’ve only had one conversation, and every other time they’ve talked it has been about Dustin’s obsession with Teacup.

Speaking of, after Dustin spends the commercial break moping in his bed, Teacup comes in to try to talk some sense into him.  Good luck with that, Teacup.  I’ve pretty much given up on Dustin’s sanity at this point, now it’s her I’m worried about.  She seems like such a nice, normal, sane person, so I can’t help but be concerned about why she isn’t weirded out by his behavior.  I feel like she needs an intervention.

I know, Teacup, I thought he was the most attractive guy when everyone showed up on the first day, just like you did.  But can’t you PLEASE open your eyes and see that he is A LIVING, BREATHING RED-FLAG FACTORY?!

Anyway, she tells him that this has a lot to do with his tempter tantrum at the go-kart place.  She assures him that everyone knew as soon as they met him that he was athletic.  He claims that he wasn’t pissed that Adam won, he was pissed that he didn’t “take it serious.”  I’ll sidestep that grammatical mistake because I’m too distracted by his claim that he wasn’t taking it serious(LY).  THAT was him NOT being serious?!  I shudder to think of the hellfire that would rain down if he DID take it seriously.  I guess that whole Truth or Dare argument was him NOT getting upset.

The roomies go out to dinner and Dustin asks MikeMike if he monopolizes their conversations.  MikeMike says it feels like Dustin always needs to get the last word in, and Dustin seems to genuinely apologize.  That’s nice and all, but it is pretty baffling how seriously he takes everything Teacup says to him.  At least she seems to have talked some sense into him.  MikeMike says he doesn’t want to banter, but Roy Lee interrupts because he doesn’t know what “banter” means.  MikeMike explains and Roy Lee jokingly claims that those “bigass words” are starting to piss him off.

I love how MikeMike is like Roy Lee’s own personal Word of the Day toilet paper.

Out at da club, Nany is wearing Teacup’s Disney on Ice dress from a few weeks ago.  Adam is, unsurprisingly, very turned on.  The girls have a chat about how Nany thought she would be attracted to a guy at a club or something, not a roommate.  Despite Nany’s protests that Adam is constantly bringing girls home, the other two claim that he loves Nany and would stop in heartbeat if she broke up with Jordy.  So I guess they’re in on the “enabling” plan too?

Nany takes this as her cue to dance all up on Adam for what seems to be the whole night.  Soon enough, they’re both wasted and getting cozy on a couch.  Once they’re back in the suite, they cuddle in Adam’s bed and she asks why he fucks dirty girls.  He tells her it’s because he’s lonely.  HA!  I’m so moved by his tragic life.  Give him credit though, he knows what to say even if it is pretty clearly an act.

We then get a pretty hilarious montage:  Roy Lee is frantically calling every girl whose number he can find in an attempt to find someone to bang.  Meanwhile, Adam and Nany have started making out, and Naomi has climbed into Roy Lee’s bed and is calling out for him.  He says it’s a gift from heaven and she says he’s a dog but it’s Vegas and she’s here to have a good time.

We then join MikeMike out on the couch with his glasses and his book.  He tells Dustin about the hookups that are occurring and asks if Dustin can go have sex with Teacup so he can say he sat there while all of his roommates had sex.  Dustin says no, which is just plain mean.  MikeMike doesn’t ask for much, Dustin, just let him have this moment!  Also, it took me forever to figure out who MikeMike reminded me of with his glasses, but I’m pretty sure it’s Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets.  Is it just me or do you guys see it too?

Also, that would make Dustin the equivalent of Beaker in this conversation, which is frighteningly accurate.

Post-hookup, Naomi and Nany both request discretion, which is promised by both Roy Lee and Adam.  They do realize they have curtains for doors, right?

UH OH!  Jordy calls looking for Nany.  Dustin, who is the poor sucker who answered the phone, claims that she’s already asleep.  Then Jordy asks if she’s been a good girl, and Dustin wisely lies and says she is.  Normally I don’t condone lying, but Dustin does not need to put himself in the middle of that shitstorm.  Not his fault, and not his problem.

Nany wakes up the next morning and immediately realizes what she’s done.  She says she knows she needs to end her relationship, but it’s a bad way to go out.  Ya think?  Adam says he called it last week- he would “do me,” and she would come crawling into his bed, which is literally exactly what almost immediately happened.  That was an awkward sentence but I’m pretty sure you guys know where I was going with it so I’ll roll with it.  Adam is proud of himself.

You should be, Adam.  You’re a real stand-up guy.

Nany prepares for a break-up phone call.  She says it wasn’t her intention to come out here and break up via phone call, but she knows what’s best for her and it took going to Vegas to figure that out.  Which would be a nice sentiment if it didn’t imply that what’s “best” for her is ADAM.  She tells Jordy about hooking up with Adam, and then says she needs to “do this experience on her own.”  He’s as pissed as you’d expect, telling her off for wanting him to have a ring for her when she got back.  He says he loved her with everything he had and “didn’t even know no love for anybody else” because of her, and now she has to live with her decisions because karma is a bitch.  Then he hangs up.

By this point she’s crying a little (not hard enough to ruin her makeup, though), so she grabs a napkin to dry her eyes.  She tells us that she might regret breaking up with him, but she would have regretting staying with him more.  She doesn’t want to say her world is changing because she broke up with her boyfriend, but it kind of is.  Well, I would hope a six year relationship had enough impact on her life that ending it would change things up a bit.

The roomies go to the final PBR event and watch a bunch of badass cowboys be real men, or dumbass cowboys risk life and limb.  Whichever you prefer.  Nany tells us that her breakup allows her to move on with her life and she has no regrets.

The guys and girls sit at separate tables for dinner.  At the guys’ table, Adam asks MikeMike what time he went to bed.  MikeMike responds that he stopped making sex noises around 4.  At the girls’ table, Naomi tells Nany that she and Adam look really cute.  Nany claims that she has no idea how everything even started last night with Adam.  Well, I’m no scientist, but it MIGHT have had something to do with you climbing into his bed.  They also tease Naomi for sleeping with Leroy.

Over at the guys’ table, MikeMike claims that he doesn’t shit where he eats.  Roy Lee claims he’s fine because Naomi is like him and won’t take it seriously.  Adam, on the other hand, is in a bit of a pickle.

“Listen, MikeMike, I know you’re kind of a prude and all, but can you please stop comparing sex to shitting?  I promise once you get the hang of it, it’s more fun.”

Okay, okay, I’m sure Leroy wasn’t thinking exactly that, because a lot of those words are way too big for him.  Back at the girls’ table, Nany claims that she knew what she was doing last night, and it didn’t seem so bad, but then she woke up and realized how bad it was.  Yeah, mornings are a BITCH like that.  I hate mornings to begin with, so THOSE mornings are just the absolute worst.  Although, I’ve never been in Nany’s position, so I can’t say I totally know how she feels.  Teacup claims that Adam will be the first of all of them to get married because despite the front he puts up, he falls hard.  Also, at the guys’ table, Dustin says that he and Teacup are officially “together together.”  Everyone toasts to each other.

Next week:  Nany flirts with other guys, bringing on the return of psychopath Adam.  Ugh, should be AWESOME.

This episode was pretty fun.  Roommate hookups are generally good for some entertainment, but more importantly I’m just relieved that Nany broke up with Jordy.  We all know the Adam/Nany hookup will bring drama, but I’m way more interested in Teacup (and potentially the other roomies) finding out Dustin’s secret.  Also, I think there was some pregnancy drama between Naomi and Leroy, which is a throwback to the OG Vegas season.  What did you guys think?  Favorite/least favorite roommate pairing?  Do you want as badly as I do to sit with MikeMike and banter while everyone else who doesn’t understand the word “banter” gets it on?