Real World: Tragic Backstory Overload

Previously:  Alcohol turned Adam into an uber-douchebag.  Dustin and Teacup were in like, but a Truth or Dare kiss made a big ol’ booboo on Dustin’s feelings.

Teacup calls her mother and recounts the Truth or Dare incident, or TODgate, and claims she wouldn’t care if the tables were turned.  They conclude that drama was inevitable, but for some reason Mrs. Potts (she is Teacup’s mother, after all) does not warn her poor, unsuspecting daughter away from the fire with which she is playing.

“… And then he took my hair from my hairbrush, and made a candle with my earwax that he uses for mood lighting when he watches me sleep.  It was bound to happen.”

Yay!  Time for a bromantic moment between Roy Lee and Reverend Awesome.  I predict that these moments will be high on the list of my favorite parts of this season.  They chest bump, which is pretty much impossible to screencap, but please know that I tried.

Teacup invites Dustin to do a confessional with her.  Uh oh, now it’s serious… You sure you’re ready for that?  In the confessional, which is really just a conversation between the two of them rather than a traditional confessional, Teacup tells him not to blame MikeMike.  Dustin explains that he felt disrespected, and Teacup reiterates that it was all fun and games.  She tells him the most serious part was when they asked her how she felt about him.  Smooth, Teacup, very smooth.  She goes all baby voice, telling him to smile and that “I sorry.”  I’m normally not a fan of the baby voice, but this might be cute if not for all of the craziness.

“So, I’ll need some of your spit to rub in my hair when I shower, and how do you feel about donating some well-worn panties and used snot rags to a sculpture I’m making?”

Dustin and MikeMike make up, although Dustin is passive-aggressive about it and MikeMike reveals via confessional that he’s doing it mostly to shut Dustin up, not that I blame him.  Though I honestly believe that if Dustin had just come straight to MikeMike right after TADgate, the whole thing could have been resolved quickly.  MikeMike seems like a logical person with no desire to hurt anyone, so I’m sure if Dustin had explained his feeling rationally, MikeMike would have apologized.  Also, for some reason I keep accidentally typing “Dustine” instead of Dustin, and if he keeps being so emotional I just might let it stay that way.

Teacup is bowling, and Dustin pushes her gutterball back into the lane (not a euphemism).  ”You’re such a cheater!” she exclaims.  ”Takes one to know one!” he does not reply.  PROGRESS!

Naomi and Adam are going to da club, the latter simply for an hour in an attempt to snatch up some snatch.  Naomi is a bit concerned on account of Adam is a crazy psycho douche when he’s drunk.  Meanwhile, the rest of the roomies discuss what a crazy psycho douche Adam is when he’s drunk.  I think Nany tries to defend him but I’m too distracted by the fact that Teacup is in two places at once.  In one shot she is standing behind Nany in a green tank top and in the VERY NEXT SHOT she is responding to Nany while sitting with Dustin and wearing a sweatshirt.  I love “spot the displaced castmember!”

“But if Teacup is over THERE, then who is behind me?!  Does she have a knife?!”

After a bunch of talking over each other, they conclude that Nany knows Adam best, and he doesn’t talk much about his background.  At da club, Adam gets very drunk and dances shirtless in the DJ booth.  Apparently this establishment frowns on this, so they kick him out.  He makes a pit stop in the casino to vomit violently into a garbage can in order to prevent a hangover.  Well, at least he’s aware of ONE potential consequence.

Back in the suite, he regales a few roomies with his tales of the night, and they are once again concerned that he will ruin it for all of them.  I presume they received some sort of lecture about proper behavior when they moved in, and are worried that they will have to travel elsewhere for their VIP bottle service.

For some reason, Adam is terrible sorry for eating MikeMike’s BLT, and apologizes profusely for this transgression.  Everyone else has gone to bed and MikeMike is reading, so he passively dismisses Adam’s sandwich theft.  For some reason, Adam takes this to mean that MikeMike is being a douchebag, which he deems unacceptable.  There’s only room for one douchebag in this suite, and Adam has cornered the market and planted real estate.  MikeMike expresses the concerns over Adam’s drunken behavior, and Adam gets pissed off and says he’s not having this conversation right now, he is done.  DONE!

“I don’t care if I started it!  Stop giving legitimate answers to my questions!”

Time for more sad backstories!  Conversation includes: Roy Lee, Dustin, and Teacup.  Roy Lee’s mom was (still is?) addicted to drugs and a raging alcoholic.  Poor guy.  Thus far, he seems to have turned out pretty well, so good for him.  I didn’t think I was going to like him based on his “I like to do nothing but bang mad chicks” demeanor on the first day, but so far he’s one of my favorite roomies, and one of the sanest.  There is usually a fairly direct correlation between those things.

Dustin tells them about his bipolar mother.  Teacup tells us that she had a less than ideal childhood, but it’s nothing compared to most people.  I remember feeling almost precisely the same way when I first went to college.  Dustin tells us that one of his biggest fears was being bipolar.

WELL, THANK GOD WE DODGED THAT BULLET.

For the record, I am in no way qualified to diagnose Dustin as bipolar or anything else.  I have determined that there is at least one screw loose- how many and/or which ones can be left to the professionals.  Roy Lee mentions feeling self-conscious about telling people that he was adopted because his mother was addicted to drugs and alcohol.

In more adorably awesome news on the MikeMike front, he has printed out a resume to bring to their internship interview.  Dustin is confounded by this news.

“Does… this mean I have to put a shirt on?  I bet you wore my favorite shirt when I was napping, didn’t you?  Never, ever, in the history of EVERDOM has someone disrespected my wardrobe so thoroughly!”

Anyway, the roommates will be helping out with various PR events.  Their boss, Phil, is described by Naomi as being hot and reminding her of “Uncle Jesse from Full House.”

I don’t really see the resemblance, but I’m willing to bet he’ll be begging for mercy by the end of this.

He has the roomies introduce themselves and is utterly shocked when MikeMike hands him a resume.  It should also be noted that MikeMike is wearing a tie and everything.  Presumably he does not understand that “employment” on the Real World is drastically different from employment in the actual real world.  But good for him, I say.  Roy Lee, a garbage truck driver, is excited to stay clean.

Their first assignment will be an event with Carey Hart.  Next, Phil singles out Adam and tells him to knock it off with the drinking incidents.  The bosses are usually pretty awesome, telling the kids how to behave.  Phil is cool so far.  He’s no Loretta from the soup kitchen or even Danny from the Shore Store yet, but I’ll take him.

Back in the suite, Dustin tells Adam that he and Teacup have stuck to making out.  Adam is surprised that they have known each other for more than a few hours without smushing, but Dustin claims that Teacup will go all googly-eyed and get emotionally attached.  OH NO, WE WOULD NOT WANT THAT TO HAPPEN.  THAT WOULD BE TERRIBLE.  Adam pretends he’s maybe sort of interested.

“I thought I avoided these conversations by spending my teen years in juvie.”

Out at da club, Adam gets wasted again and Roy Lee tries to tell him not to screw up.  Adam is awesomely rejected by a girl who may actually have some semblance of self respect remaining!  (I know, when’s the last time you saw one of those on TV?!)

Up in da suite, Roy Lee says he doesn’t care about Adam since he hasn’t opened up about his background.  This is awesomely punctuated by a bro handshake between Roy Lee and MikeMike.  Yes, I will be pointing out all of their interactions, thank you very much.  Roy Lee claims to have no patience for Adam acting like a child and refuses to babysit.  Adam returns to hear the tail end of this rant from out of sight.

Adam marches into the room and slams the glass bottle in his hand onto the ground, where it shatters.  He and Roy Lee argue about whether or not they are boys/whether or not they are cool.  Adam shoves Roy Lee after RL tells him to eat a dick.  They argue a bit more until Roy Lee walks away to go to bed and Nany takes Adam into his room for a chat.

She tells him that the roommates know he’s a good person but they don’t understand why he acts like a douche when he drinks.  They’re sitting on his bed and she’s practically in his lap, much to his delight.  She keeps prodding him to tell her what’s wrong, and he finally pulls the juvie card on her.  She’s thrilled that he’s opening up, he’s counting down to their eventual hookup in his head, and somewhere Jordy just got a sharp pain in his back for no reason.  He doesn’t want to talk any more about it while he’s drunk, so Nany makes him promise to tell her about it another time.  Probably naked under the covers.

Roy Lee is giving a confessional about his frustration with Adam when Adam knocks on the door to talk.  Roy Lee concludes that since he doesn’t know much about Adam, they are not “boys” and Adam should not consider him a friend.  Adam leaves very calmly, considering- I feel like we should give him credit for that.  Kind of like when parents give their three year old a gold star for not pooping the bed during naptime.  Roy Lee tells us that he doesn’t have time or patience for Adam and his behavior.

“Listen, I am far too busy reversing the syllables in my name to care what Am Ad is doing.”

MikeMike and Roy Lee clean their room and brag to each other that it is the cleanest one in the house.  MikeMike is being ghettofabulous and it is delightful.

Nany and Adam pick up their conversation from the previous night.  He asks her not to say anything, and she promises not to but says he can tell her anything and she won’t judge.  His tragic backstory includes being the biggest drug dealer in his state and having a lot of guns, apparently.  During a drug deal gone bad, his friend shot someone, which led to Adam’s three years in juvie.  Nany comforts him by saying we all make mistakes when we’re young.  While that may be true, something tells me most of those mistakes aren’t at quite the same level of severity.  I feel like Adam should sell the rights for his story to Eminem so he can make a gritty, urban cinematic companion piece to 8 Mile.

Oh good, no one has finished cleaning up the broken glass a day or two later.  I would be so pissed if I lived there and I couldn’t walk around without shoes on just in case Adam decided to throw a hissy.  MikeMike tries to tell him that the glass almost hit Nany, but Adam is still just angry that someone talked behind his back.  Yes, but how does that justify potentially hitting one of your roommates with broken glass?  Ugh, this kid is like Ronnie that time he destroyed all of Sammi’s belongings because she dared to interact with a male or something.  MikeMike, like me, is concerned by Adam’s lack of remorse.

The roomies go to work and are separated into two groups.  Adam, Roy Lee, and Naomi are in one group while the remaining four are in the other.  Adam and Roy Lee both acknowledge their dislike for each other but say they are able to put it aside to get the job done.  Naomi, on the other hand, is not happy about being placed in the “manual labor” group.

Careful there, princess.  Don’t strain a hammy- or worse, get your hair wet so it goes limp and can’t hold up your crown properly!  OH, THE HORROR!

The other roomies set up a display table for an auction to help injured athletes.  Like TJ Lavin?!  Sorry, this long break between Real World seasons is giving me Challenge withdrawal.

After a brief work montage, Adam calls his “girlfriend” to whine about how his roommates hate him because he does what he wants.  This kid is such a DICK.  Is he going to have to actually hit someone in the face with a bottle to wake up?  What will be his excuse then?  ”You talk behind my back, I shatter your face”?  The girl is a high-pitched enabler and I already have no patience for her.  After she properly reassures him, she tells him she loves him and he tells her not to talk to any boys.  Ugh, this girl is totally in high school, isn’t she?  That thought just occurred to me but I wouldn’t be surprised.

Everyone who has to deal with Adam should have this Tshirt to commemorate the occasion.

Dustin and Teacup play pool and are so turned on that they decide to have sex despite Dustin’s plans not to.  When Naomi finds out the next morning, she expects that things will get serious and there will be trouble.

8 ball, center pocket.

Back to work!  The manual labor crew meets Carey Hart.  The other crew stands next to a table.  Naomi whines about the “extreme child labor.”  Quoth Adam:  ”Naomi.  A, you’re in your twenties.  B, you’re not even working that hard.”  Adam is right about something, guys.  Mark the occasions, please.

Good thing all of the actual child laborers are too busy working their fingers to the bone and still too poor to own a TV so they don’t have to know that shirt they made for Naomi is getting all sweaty.

The taskmaster sends Naomi off to do something, and she gets herself a nice refreshing beverage and takes her sweet time.  Adam and the taskmaster staple each other with a staple gun, and their invitation to Roy Lee to join is met with a “Hell no.”  Naomi finally returns and whines that the taskmaster is picking on her after he simply calls her out for being lazy.

Things with the inside crew are uneventful.  Nany tells Pink she’s seen her in concert.  Pink is awesome and could care less.  We get a nice montage of motocross stunts while Naomi tells us she hates sports but this is the coolest even she’s every been to, and Roy Lee tells us he’d never have the balls to do it.  Can’t say I blame him.

The roommates get a bunch of thank you’s and handshakes for their work, as well as a helmet.  The helmet is supposed to be for the whole house, but Roy Lee tells MikeMike it’s his and offers to share it.  MikeMike has Dustin punch him in the back of the head while wearing the helmet.  This has been another installment in The Glorious Friendship of Roy Lee and MikeMike.

While cooking, MikeMike tells Adam about his parents both being in jail while he was growing up.  Adam is surprised and takes this moment to tell Mike about his time served.  Roy Lee is unimpressed and says a rough upbringing is no excuse for Adam to be smashing bottles and acting like he doesn’t care about anyone.  Mike is a bit more moved, and wonders if Adam is ready to be part of the group.

How dare you cheat on Roy Lee by bro shaking with his greatest foe?!  I’ll bet he’s never been so disrespected.  Ever, in the history of EVERDOM!

Down at the bar, Adam and Roy Lee take another stab at talking things out.  Adam doesn’t want to be told what to do and Roy Lee doesn’t want to be around drunk Adam anyway.  When Roy Lee asks for an apology, Adam doesn’t think he’s got anything to apologize for.  Adam wants to be friends, but Roy Lee can’t do that without an apology.  GOOD LORD their conversations are mind-meltingly repetitive.  Roy Lee anticipates bad things on the horizon.

This isn’t love.  In friendship, sometimes you do have to say you’re sorry.  Just ask MikeMike, Teacup kissed him and he was still the one who had to apologize.

Next week:  Roommate incest!  Everyone is in bed together except poor MikeMike.  Should be a fun one!

Anyone care to take sides in the Roy Lee/Adam feud?  I think I’m with RL on this one.  Anyone else surprised by the apparently strong work ethic in this cast?  Anyone care that Dustin and Teacup sealed the deal?  Personally, I’m just waiting for him to drop the bomb about his past on her.  Do you think Nany will give her boyfriend the courtesy of a breakup before climbing into bed with Adam?  How many bromantic moments will we have between MikeMike and Roy Lee next week?  And last but not least, where do you think Dustin keeps his Teacup shrine?