Well here we are, Gasmii: Real World 25 in none other than VEGAS, baby! Are you ready?! Do you care? Well it doesn’t matter, because it’s here, it’s as melodramatic and trashy as ever (and possibly even more scripted), and we’re going to watch and mock this bitch together. You know you either love it, or are nostalgic enough for a time when you did love it that you still let morbid curiosity get the better of you from time to time. So let’s get to it!
DRAMATIC MONTAGE. Slow motion. Yelling. Crying. Fighting. Secrets. Security! I love it when security has to step in. And then we time travel to:
And we did it without a Delorean or a flux capacitor! What was the poor doc WORKING on for all those years?
Another montage, this time consisting of the casting agent calling all of the kids to see how their lives are going. One of them lost his virginity about 3 weeks ago, and it was awkward. The rest of them are all fine, thanks for asking. Of course, the real purpose of the calls is to tell them they are the chosen ones. They each scream, yell, fall over, and jizz their pants (not necessarily in that order). The casting agent then tells them that their Nest of Infestation will be in Las Vegas, Nevada. I like how she included Nevada in there, just in case they got it confused with Las Vegas, Saskatchewan and started packing parkas and snowshoes instead of miniskirts and halter tops. Anyway, this news leads to more screaming, jumping, falling over, and pants-jizzing. It’s like Beatlemania up in this biznatch. And now, let’s meet our fresh meat! (Not to be confused with Fresh Meat, of course.)
So, are we just going to have a Johanna clone every season now? Just because Wes and Kenny practically started a war over her does not mean you will get a Shakespearean tragedy every time you spit a cast member out of your Johanna factory, Bunim-Murray.
I thought you learned your lesson after Odrama, but you have proven me wrong approximately one minute into this season. Anyway, Nany goes to community college and lives at home, so this will be her first time living with people she doesn’t know. I’m sure this will prove fascinating.
Next up is Adam, 22, from Falmouth, ME. He claims his personality is unpredictable and he is a stud/ladies’ man. Nany meets him and promptly declares him tall, dark, and handsome. Well, he is tall… He’s not terrible looking, but she’s out of his league. Adam just graduated college and has not found a job yet. I miss that time. It was a great four months, until I ran out of money. She’s majoring in Criminal Justice, he majored in Criminology. He says it’s “kind of different,” but doesn’t elaborate. What, we’re not going to discuss education and careers? Of course not, we must learn that Adam thinks Nany is “so pretty.” Silly rabbit, the Real World is for sluts! And so is Las Vegas. A match made in heaven.
I bet she’s the one with the heart of gold.
And now we meet Michael, 23, from Nokesville, VA. He’s the one who just lost his virginity, and will henceforth be known as Reverend Awkward, RA for short if I’m feeling lazy, for obvious reasons. Surprise, surprise, he went to a strict Catholic school and he’s feeling nervous as he arrives. This is beyond fish out of water, they’re taking him straight out of the lake and throwing him right into the fire. To describe him in relation to our last two resident awkward male roommates: he is more self-aware and MUCH less annoying than Hair (which isn’t saying much because goddamn Odrama was more self-aware and less annoying than Hair), but not as self-aware and nowhere NEAR as much fun as Pandrew. Pandrew annoyed me a bit in the first episode, but quickly grew on me with his self-deprication and witty comments. Hair just annoyed me to no end pretty much at all times. This kid is somewhere in between that wide spectrum.
Naomi, 22, is from the Bronx in NY. For those of you keeping score, all four of the roomies we’ve met so far are from the east coast. RepreSENT. Yeah, I went there. Naomi’s hometown is the closest to mine so I think I’m supposed to feel some kind of allegiance to her or something. Kind of like J-WOWW on Jersey Shore. Naomi is excited to be living where Katy Perry and Rihanna had a bachelorette party. She’s from the hood but she keeps it positive.
She also seems to want to remain cloaked in a shroud of mystery. That’s not what the Real World is for, my dear.
Dustin, 24, is from Rayne, LA. First impression is he’s pretty cute, but spoiler alert: he has a history as a gay porn star! Well, the internet says he appeared in gay porn, but I can’t properly rank his ‘star’ status. More on this later. Apparently he has “quite a reputation” in his hometown and tries to be a gentleman. Apparently he’s always falling in love. OMG, it’s a real Vegas story, you guys! Instead of the female stripper with the heart of gold, it’s a male gay porn star! He could be the sequel to Showgirls- Blowguys. MTV, y’all: always doing their part to break down gender stereotypes. It’s the wave of the future!
Reverend Awkward arrives at their suite first, and it’s predictably tricked-out. The reveal of the house is always the 30 seconds when I wish I could be on this show. Oh, look, of COURSE there’s a bowling alley! I don’t know why the good Reverend is so surprised. Although presumably he hasn’t seen the show before if he’s this innocent and naive. See, not ALL of America’s youth has been ruined! He’s admiring the hot tub when Heather, 22, from Delran, NJ arrives. We are now 5 for 6 on East Coasters. Heather’s Casting Tape reveals that she would live in a bikini if she could.
Guess what: In Vegas, you CAN! Dreams come true here, it’s like DisneyWorldland for grownups!
She’s very impulse driven, which apparently includes sliding across the floor in her socks. In that case, so am I! She also appears to be approximately the size of a teacup poodle, and for the time being I’ll be calling her Teacup. Upon investigation of the bedrooms, we learn that there are seven beds, so presumably there will be seven roommates. See, the show is totally going back to its roots, and not just by repeating cities with increasing frequency! It’s supposed to be SEVEN strangers picked to live in a <blank>, not EIGHT! All is right with the world.
They stand in the bathtub to look out the window at their sweet view, and Reverend Awkward tells Teacup that he has decided to live by the “rule of yes” while he embarks on this new adventure. Someone’s been using Evan’s patented Reality Show Catchphrase Generator, but he accidentally left it on the Dorky setting. I suppose it’s better than the Douche setting Evan leaves it on most of the time. And as with every rule, there is one exception: Reverend Awkward will absolutely not be going to a strip club. Apparently grandma would not approve. I’m sorry, this kid moved to Vegas for several months and he thinks the dirtiest thing he could do there is GO TO A STRIP CLUB?! What, then, is his stance on the scantily clad ladies who seem to be working poles all over the casino in the middle of the day from the footage we’re being shown right now?
Oh, her? She’s just a firefighter doing her daily exercises.
Our final roommate is Leroy “Roy Lee,” 24, from Dallas, TX. Is Roy Lee lexic-dys? I may call him Dyslexia, I haven’t decided yet. As he heads up to the room, Teacup thinks they should do something and the good Reverend suggests “peek-a-boo”-ing them. Oh, good lord. Roy Lee is not amused by this peek-a-boo, as it is instant proof that he is sharing this sweet Vegas penthouse with a “twelve year old.” Pretty sure peek-a-boo stops being funny way before twelve, but I understand the sentiment.
He’s a garbage man so he has to get up super early in the morning. We see footage of him at work, and he says when he goes home he’ll probably go to sleep because he’s “24, not 42.” He probably has to keep reminding himself of that on account of his dyslexia. Teacup remarks on the sexual innuendo coming from Roy Lee and voices what everyone has already noticed: RA and RL could not possibly be any more different. Something tells me they won’t be as bromantic as Meathead and Preston became last season. Oh damn, they’re rooming together? This should be fun.
Ah, yes: it is time for the all-important Relationship Status Reveal. Conjuring up distant memories of that archaic time we lived in before Facebook, this information must be deduced through the magical method of asking each other out loud; this method is also known as the lost art form known as conversation. Where was I? Oh, right: The three roomies at the house are all single; Adam was kind of seeing someone but has put that on hold; and Nany has been with her boyfriend for six years. Damn, that’s no joke. Considering how attractive she and Adam seem to find each other, drama seems inevitable.
Also, these are the only two who met and had time to get to know each other before arriving at their new digs. Everyone else has been showing up alone, which is not standard operating procedure. It just seems strange, and it prevents those immediate alliances the paired up roomies tend to form by desperately clinging to the first person they meet so they feel less alone. Anyway, Adam and Nany arrive and after everyone gets acquainted, the girls sit on their beds and talk about boys while Adam and Roy Lee discuss their disappointment over not being able to bone Nany.
Naomi arrives and there are more introductions. Roy Lee would hook up with her. Get ready for a lot more discussion of which roomies want to hook up with each other. Dustin arrives looking adorably doofy, and Teacup seems a bit smitten. Reverend Awkward, for some reason, proclaims Dustin his “boy.” I wonder if he’ll be singing a different tune once the secrets come out.
“It’s guy love, that’s all it is, just guy love, he’s mine I’m his. There’s nothing gay about it in our eyes.”
The roomies get into a group hug and cheer for their newfound home. And damnnn, those are some pimped-out opening credits.
Dustin asks RA what he thinks of the girls. RA reminds us that he recently lost his virginity, but would like us to know that he still has morals. Naomi and Teacup think Dustin is “soo funniiieee!1!” Dustin tells RA that he’s a sucker who falls in love with any girl who has a personality. My, what high standards you have, sir. He then tells us that if any girls in the house were his type, it would be Teacup, but he does NOT want to hook up with any roomies.
Nany thinks Adam is the best looking guy in the house. Adam, meanwhile, is on the phone with his “kind of” girl, telling her all about Nany. Also, he thinks he might get into a fight since his roommates are different from him. His sordid past includes three years in juvie because someone got shot. No word on who shot said someone and/or what Adam’s involvement was. Nany says her boyfriend is a reformed bad boy. Adam tells his girl he’ll call when he wants, and she shouldn’t call him, “cause that’s just gonna be annoying.” Awww, what a charmer.
Nany calls her boyfriend, and he seems a bit nervous when he hears she’s the only roomie in a relationship. They exchange “miss/love you’s” while she gazes at Adam. The second she hangs up, Adam follows her into the kitchen to ask who she just called. Oh, this is going to be a long season.
The girls are, like soooooooo excited to go out, you guyz! The guys are wearing their sunglasses at night! They sit down to dinner and decide to play “Never Have I Ever,” which is one of my favorite games. Teacup is scandalized to learn that Dustin has had a threesome and has had sex in a hot tub. Also, when they ask if he’s kissed a guy, he says he was “in a three way kiss and a dude was there.” Downplay much? We learn briefly about his past, but only that he lived in a house with webcams and other guys, and that they were naked but none of them were gay. He says it was strictly a job. I don’t think Dustin himself is gay, but I find it hard to believe that none of them were. Also, the internet says it was not as innocent as MTV is making it seem. And finally, if you’re that desperate for a job, just work in a coffee shop or the campus bookstore like every other college student, dude. It may pay minimum wage but it will make your adult life far, FAR less awkward.
The roomies go out to da club for some bumpin, grindin, and booty shakin. Dustin and Teacup dirty dance while she tells us there’s an instant attraction but they just met. Adam drunkenly begs for Nany’s friendship, and she politely says they’ll be friends while pushing him off of her lap. He hits on another girl (who totally looks like Carley from Fresh Meat, BTDubbs) while she watches. RA asks her about her relationship, and she says her boyfriend is the only guy who can handle her, but seems less certain when he asks if she’s sure about that. Meanwhile, Roy Lee engages in this:
It’s not gay if there are two girls. Also, this kind of looks like absolutely no fun.
The roomies head back to their suite with many, many random girls. Like, a whole season’s worth of Jersey Shore hot tub hoes in just one night. Dustin climbs into the hot tub with Teacup and they’re all touchy-feely, but she leaves when the other girls start getting in. Good for her, getting out before that thing turns into STD soup.
The good Reverend is jealous of the “dirty boy rules” (TM Reality Show Catchphrase Generator) that Adam and Roy Lee get to live by. Wait until he learns about the “dirty boy” past of his BFF Dustin. Nany thinks Adam could do better than the tricks he’s got tonight.
Makeout Montage! The guys (minus RA) make out while RA and the girls are grossed out. Adam proposes to Nany and she more or less rolls her eyes even though she definitely likes the attention.
I hope he doesn’t get any icky cooties from that hot tub. Something tells me the sex ed at his strict Catholic school wasn’t very comprehensive.
Nany and Naomi discuss Nany’s relationship. Naomi can tell Nany is very disciplined when it comes to her relationship, but she’s been with the guy since she was a kid. Nany says she’s happy, but she wouldn’t have come to Vegas if something wasn’t missing. Naomi deduces that this is Nany’s first time away from home, and after a quick squeal, tells Nany that this will make her stronger.
Nany and Adam go out to lunch, and she comments on his slutty actions the previous night. He claims that was the first time he’s ever brought a girl home from a bar. He also says he’s not a big player and has no game whatsoever, which is PRECISELY the opposite of what he said in his intro. He tells her he didn’t want to bring girls home because of her. She says they both know she’s attracted to him, but she’s in a relationship.
Now I’ve never been in a serious relationship, so correct me if I’m wrong, but that seems like something that should be on the list of what NOT to say. But hey, maybe I’m just weird.
Dustin climbs into bed with Teacup and Naomi for cuddle/naptime. He tells us how cute Teacup is, but he is still determined not to do anything even though the mid-show “coming up” just shot that pony. He says if he hooks up with her he can’t bring girls home because “girls are more territorial than guys any day.” Well, that’s an exaggeration. Most girls are very territorial, but so are most guys.
Adam plays pool with RA and asks him which chick he finds the hottest. RA is too busy being perplexed by the concept of the “hottest chick” to properly form an answer. He finally manages to say that he likes the little blondes.
Nany calls her boyfriend to tell him that one of the roomies is attracted to her. She says his name is Adam and admits that she thinks he’s cute. Boyfriend is none too happy with this information, and she says she’s just telling him because he wanted to know everything. He says he no longer wants to hear everything. I can’t say I blame him. I mean, SIX YEARS. In my entire life I have not spent a total of six weeks in relationships. It must be weird for him.
“All I’m saying is that I’m living on the other side of the country with a guy, and we find each other attractive. What’s wrong with that?”
Reverend Awkward has decided that tonight he is going to talk to girls at da club and maybe he’ll be a “dirty whore.” Oh, the day he is a dirty whore is the day we should all be acting like dirty whore because clearly the apocalypse will be upon us. Anyway, Adam helps him get two girls to come have a drink in their VIP booth. RA convinces them to come bowl even though they could not be less interested. Awww, poor RA. This is going to be a long season.
The roomies all head back to the suite, Adam toting some honeys. He convinces one of said honeys to come to bed with him “just to cuddle.” HA! That’s like when guys invite girls to go home with them, and say the girl can sleep on the couch. Nany can’t believe that he’s bringing girls home every night while constantly telling her she’s his future wife. Oh, there’s no way her relationship is making it through this season.
RA bring the two girls up to the suite and into his room. The roomies are all happy, thinking he’s about to get lucky (they must have missed the look of complete disinterest on the girls’ faces). The Roy Lee walks in to find him… reading his prayer to them.
“Even the most amazing suite in Vegas is not worth this. In fact, a root canal would be preferable to this right now.”
One of the girls finally just asks if they can go bowl. Soon after, they make their desperate exit. RA tries to kiss the tall brunette one goodbye, but she’s having none of it. He heads back in to have a late night snack with Dustin and talk about his Catholic guilt. He’s afraid Dustin will judge him. HA! Something tells me Dustin’s not too judgemental. This kid is naive to no end. He goes on and on about not giving in to temptation and being delivered from evil and whatnot. Dustin tells us he wants to see RA open up and make some mistakes. Yes, please, but don’t make me have to hear about it for seven episodes if he does. Dustin says that in order to be a well rounded person, you have to go through experiences and make mistakes and learn from them. Wow, actual insight from a Real Worlder? We’re only in the first episode!
Roommate hookup, heart to heart, AND deep dark secret in the premiere? Show off. All he needs is a fight and he’ll have nothing left to do for the entire rest of the season!
Nany asks about Adam’s girl from the night before. Apparently she wouldn’t let him grab her ass while they were making out, so that made him like her and he’s going to call her. That’s deep. Let this be a lesson to you, girls… I’m just kidding. I have no idea what lesson could possibly be learned from this. He calls and they agree to go to lunch. RA is deeply excited by this chaste turn of events. Nany is allegedly jealous. Marriage comes up yet again. I’m going to be so disappointed if there isn’t an ill-advised marriage this season after all of this talk. OOOH! Maybe RA can get married so he can not feel guilty about having sex, then get a divorce and be denounced by the Catholic church! I should write for this show.
At lunch, Nany tells Naomi and Roy Lee that Adam doesn’t know what he wants. She neglects to mention the fact that neither does she. Of course, I’m pretty sure she hasn’t realized that herself yet. Meanwhile, we watch Adam on his date saying all of the same things as he did to Nany. Luckily, this girl isn’t too much of a fool and does a lot of eye rolling in his general direction.
Out at da club, Naomi thinks Teacup and Dustin should hook up because they’re “freakin cute” and “like Barbie and Ken.” I like Naomi so far, but sometimes I think her brain never left middle school. Dustin says he told himself not to, but then he gave in to temptation. There’ll be no delivering him from evil, now, I suppose. I don’t even really know what that means. For all my years of religion class, I sure didn’t pay attention to any of the words I was saying.
Anyway, they make out for awhile. Dustin then tells us that he thinks he likes her, but can’t pursue a relationship unless he tells her his secret. I’m hoping that’s a confessional from somewhere beyond the first week of them knowing each other, because otherwise that seems a bit like jumping the gun. Teacup, for her part, tells us “I told myself I wasn’t gonna hook up with anyone here… oops.” It’s actually pretty amazing in its simplicity.
I’m sure that’s exactly what Dustin told himself when he lived in that gay porn house that time.
Adam is making out with his dateworthy girl and he tells us he likes that Nany gets jealous when he hooks up with girls, and that will lead to “good things.” Yeah, good things if you’re a drama queen, fool. He takes Dateworthy up to the suite and tonight she is DTF so they commence smushing.
Did I mention that Teacup is dressed like an extra from Disney Princesses on Ice, for some reason? Sadly, she is not dressed like Chip from Beauty and the Beast.
Dustin tells us he needs to decide whether or not he wants to pursue Teacup. This is intertwined with footage of him jumping on top of her in bed, where she was presumably sleeping. He says he thought he was coming to Vegas to have fun, but then he had Teacup thrown at him. Holy shit, he was NOT kidding about falling in love at the drop of a hat.
Have they even spoken actual words to each other yet?
Adam takes Dateworthy into the kitchen for a post-smush snack. She is also dressed in his clothes. This guy is reeking of The Situation at the moment. Nany conveniently also heads into the kitchen for a snack, and tells us she thought Adam was a great guy, but is starting to realize he’s a player.
Better late than never, I suppose. Shall we start taking bets as to how long this revelation will keep her out of his arms? I’m thinking two episodes.
Adam tells us he has decided that Nany and her boyfriend will break up at some point during their time in Vegas, and he will be there to pick up the pieces.
Portrait of a Gentleman
This season: Hookups GALORE. I’m pretty sure every single roommate at least kissed another one. Dustin invents the word “everdom.” Adam has rage issues. Teacup finds out about Dustin’s porno. Pregnancy test! Crying! Fighting! Crying while fighting!
Well, I think we’re off to a decent start. Plenty of drama, scripted as it may be. It definitely doesn’t seem like it will be a boring season, that’s for sure, although I’m sure we’d expect no less from Sin City. What do you guys think of the roomies so far? None of them are as annoying as Hair or Odrama yet, so that’s enough for me. I can see Reverend Awkward’s schtick getting old fast, though. What do you think about Dustin’s past? How about all of the roomie hookups? Talk to me!