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We return to Casa De Tramps to see the girls following their morning routines. There are 16 women, some are exercising, some brushing their teeth with disinfectant and some are gathered around the bar drinking OJ or maybe screwdrivers. Just another average day with 16 women all vying for the attention of 2 men.
Wiggly, the thinker in the group says she has her heart set on Real since he was probably one year old. WTF? I don’t know that’s just what she said.
Then she says she would get kicked by a horse to get a date with Real. Two of her roomies ears perk up, settle down ladies,she said kicked by a horse, not a whore. P.S. says Wiggly is weird, that’s putting it mildly.
Then we hear Wiggly say she would get kicked in the head for a date. Hmm, that might actually knock some sense back into her head, not a bad idea Wiggly, you should go ask Real if he can get a horse to kick your head. She said she might have to go to the hospital but it would be worth it and ends by saying “it’s all good”.
Wiggly you’re so weird, I predict big things for you if you don’t get lost or something. You could definitely be in your own reality show called “Wiggly Stays Still”. Just a thought.
The stars of our show arrive and ask the women to come to the living room. I’m expecting “Giddyup, now, yaw yaw!!!” Then the thunderous sound of heels as the women run in single file towards the sound of their cowboys. Now settle down, slow down, just mosey on up to the door.
The women herd themselves together and go to the living room which has two doors and a door bell. They ring the bell and the doors swing open to reveal Real and Chance sitting in leather recliners and a control box between them that will allow them to open and close the doors.
They tell the women that they want each of them to create a sales pitch, selling themselves to Real and Chance. They will be graded on personality, creativity and sexiness. I guess the size of their udders will also probably play a chance. The one with the biggest will probably get milked first. The best saleswomen will win a date with Real and Chance.
The women have one hour to prepare their sales pitch. I notice that no one ran to a computer to do a Powerpoint presentation or to printout any information. The first priority seems to be undressing and stretching.
I think this is not really a fair competition in that some of the women are strippers and I have a feeling that their “pitch” may be a little more polished than some of the other women.
On the other hand, Wiggly is writing a weird long poem on rainbow paper to give her an edge. I think Wiggly is maybe over the edge and lost in the abyss of craziness. She seems like she is just almost at the party, but just can’t find the right door.
That’s OK Wiggly, you’ll probably end up with some nice hippy guy from the Valley selling tie-dye t-shirts in Berkley with a couple kids named Sunshine and Rainbow. What a nice Volkswagen Minibus you’ll have.
The hour is up and the women gather in a room to watch each other on a TV monitor. The guys will slam the door on any of the women who bore them or something like that, so keep those bodies moving if you want to get a good mark. I think they want someone to just wear spandex, no underwear and talk dirty.
First up is Lady. She rings the door bell, they open the doors and she starts talking while she is doing a hula hoop. She says something about a monkey and a hula hoop, but when she goes to the floor the hula hoop drops and the guys just slam the door on her. Next.
Second is Mamacita. She is dressed like normal in really tight clothes with her boobs almost exploding out of her top and her naughty bits popping out of her shorts. She has a tray with shot glasses and limes and salt and she is holding a bottle of Jose Cuervo, not even Patron? Before she can ring the bell, she drops the tray and the glasses break. The boys hear something open the door and see the broken glass and bottle and decide they are not thirsty. They slam the door. Next.
Apple reads a Haiku poem she wrote. That is boring and she gets a door slam. P.S. shows them some ties, she also gets a door slam. Next is Classy who tells them she is offering education, apparently bragging that she has a couple of degrees. Classy is met with a door slam too.
Next up is Flirty, she stands there and stutters. She gets a door slam. Next is Junk and she is dressed in a cheerleader outfit, has pom poms and a sign. She tells the guys she is offering herself as a cheerleader for them 24/7. She does some jumps and the guys do not slam the door on her they enjoy the view as she does some very impressive jumps. Facing the other way of course so they could see her hind quarters.
Next is the Blonde Baller, remember she is our basketball player? She is very limber and bends backward and is able to go down and put her hands on the floor. She bends into a few gymnastic type poses, no doubt something she uses for basketball. The boys do not slam the door on her either.
Next up is Doll, she is boring, they slam the door on her. After that is Aloha, she starts to hula, but something is wrong, they slam the door on her too.
Next is Spanish Fly, she is dressed in a very tight dress laced up the front obviously without anything underneath. She hands them a calendar for them that she made with naked pictures of herself. The guys do not slam the door on her.
Next up is Hot Wings. She tosses a football around and tells them she likes football and likes to play it. They play catch with her, but eventually slam the door.
Next is Baker who is carrying a really lame homemade poster that makes no sense so they slam the door on her. Next is Pocahontas. She is dressed in jeans and a pretty blouse. Unlike almost everyone else who showed cleavage and butt. Pocahontas made a necklace rosary for Real. She puts it around his neck and he kisses her. Real and Chance like this girl, she’s not getting the door slammed on her. She’s almost way too pretty for this show. She should be in movies.
Next was Skanky, sorry I mean Sassy. She was also in a skin tight dress and had a riding crop. She is also interested in Real and tells him to use the crop on her. She is having her ass slapped and the rest of the girls call her a skank. I think skankier would be more correct from this herd of skanks.
Next is Wiggly. Poor Wiggly, she looks weird, old from far away and she is very nervous. She starts to read her poem and Real falls asleep. It was pretty long. She finishes and thinks she did really well. Wiggly is wrong, but she doesn’t know that, just pat her on the head and point her in the direction of the bar.
So the guys decide on the top 5 girls. They are Junk, Pocahontas, Blonde Baller, Sassy and Spanish Fly. These girls are going to a prom with the guys. But they find out the losers are all going to a prom too so they all go to get ready.
The winners prom outfits are really nice with earrings, gloves, jewelry. All tight long dresses. The losers outfits look like they were used in an 80′s prom video. The dresses are ugly, terrible colors, some are short in front and long in back, they have ruffles, bows, lots of lace.
They all walk out to meet the guys. They are happy to see the really pretty girls in their beautiful fitted dresses and then in walk the losers. They look pretty bad and are not happy at all. Especially when they take the winners out in a limo and the rest have to stay home.
After they leave the house, we never see what the other women do. I assume they changed their clothes , did some shots, back stabbed the winners and stumbled off to bed.
At the prom, Real asks Pocahontas to dance a slow dance. They are dancing and talking and she tells him she really has feelings for him. He says later that he really likes her and that he can tells she is sincere. Meanwhile, Sassy is watching them and is pissed that they are dancing together first, she wanted the first dance.
Next up Skanky is with Real all alone on the patio to talk. Whatever she said to him he liked it so much he decided to put his tongue in her mouth. She must be an excellent conversationalist.
Chance is talking to Junk. He is happy with her and says she is a smart woman. I don’t know if she is smart, but she is smart enough to wear shorts that didn’t split when she jumped in the air. Amazing. Junk wants a solid foundation for a good relationship or she wears sold foundation garments to keep her butt in place, I’m not sure which, but it doesn’t matter. Chance has no idea what she said he’s looking at her boobs and thinking about her butt.
Spanish Fly has waited long enough, she interrupts Junk and takes over. Chance thinks Spanish is a little simple, but she kisses him so he must like her a little. And before you know it Chance has his tongue in Spanish Fly’s mouth too. What a guy, he’s really being a good host and not excluding anyone from his attention. YUCK
Blonde Baller is watching all the action and says “What the hell, this isn’t Rock of Love, you don’t need 50 lbs of boobs”. That’s true Baller but that doesn’t mean Chance doesn’t like big boobs.
BB dances with Real and when they are done she sits on his lap. They kiss and Real tells her he likes her hygiene. That’s a weird thing to say unless he is dating women that don’t shower. Or maybe he is comparing her to one of his horses, whatever just move on to the next one.
After the prom the guys take the women home and they are alone talking about the night. They are tired, but had a good time. When all of a sudden Wiggly shows up in a bikini with a bottle of champagne and glasses. They invite her in and she flirts with Real as they sip champagne
Wiggly is weird. She sits with Real and holds his hand and flirts and doesn’t really say a lot. Real and Chance think Wiggly is crazy. I think they are right. She just looks lost all the time. Kind of like someone who smoked pot for a few weeks and is permanently high and in a happy place. The boys say good night and she leaves.
The next day, Lady comes and talks to Real because it’s elimination day and she doesn’t want to go home. She tells Real she has been single for 5 years and that she has been celibate for 6 months. Interesting timeline. She also says the last time she was with a woman was 2 years ago, but now she wants a man and is ready for a relationship with Real. She swears she is done with women. I don’t know if that will make her more or less appealing to these guys, but at least she is honest. I think.
Mamacita talks to both Real and Chance and tells them he wants someone who is serious but likes to party too. They ask her if she is here for them or for TV? She looks a little surprised and says both. The guys aren’t happy. They do not want someone who is here for TV, apparently that happened last season.
It’s time for eliminations. One of the women will be going home. The guys call all the ladies we expect right away without hesitation: Sassy, Doll, Baker, Pocahontas, Aloha, Classy, Apple, Spanish Fly, Blonde Baller, Hot Wings, PS, Junk, Flirty and Lady. That leaves us Mamacita and Wiggly. Mama is nervous because she said she was here for TV, Wiggly is nervous because that’s what she is. She stands there and shakes like she is mixing a drink.
The guys decide that even though Mamacita might be there for TV, they pick her instead of Wiggly. I guess her possible breast explosion is just too much to let go. They want those giant boobs not the shaking blonde. But they are really nice about it and tell Wiggly she needs to have more self confidence and they thank her for coming to Casa de Tramps.
I thought that was a nice thing to do. A couple of the girls actually hugged her. Not exactly the screaming and fighting on Rock of Love or Flavor of Love.
This show is very different from Rock of Love. So far, no name calling throwing things and the back stabbing is at a minimum. This seems pretty tame and a little boring. But we can always hope that there is something good next week. We all know how Bravo likes to string us along. But come on we can’t have girls clapping for each other and the guys being respectful. Why are we watching this show? To see the whoretastic fashions and the hooker heels?
Next week the women are divided into two teams and are auditioning for a video which looks like sluts on parade. They also will divide the women between the two men so when they hand out their chains, some will be for Real and some for Chance. The girls better decide who they like best.
That’s all for this episode, no fights yet, maybe there will be something good in next week’s episode. We can always hope. I wish they would have like a fake gun battle at the OK corral and maybe have a dance hall saloon girl contest.
Until next time.
Love and luck,