Not again! and Britney thinks she’s got it rough, damn paparazzi!
Howdy! This week we have a Chance of Love Double Feature. In the first episode we have “The Hunt for Big Foot” In this show the stallionaires send the women on a hunt for Bigfoot or Yeti or Chewbacca depending on who you believe. They are in the wilderness hunting for the mythical beast in hopes of winning a date with Real and Chance.
In the second feature it’s girl on girl wrestling in “Stallionaire Slam II”. The guys send the girls into the wrestling ring in teams. After a little practice the ladies put on the oddest version of Summer Slam you’ve ever seen. There are plastic breasts and tattoos flying everywhere. I’m just glad no one hooked a nipple ring. The winners of this feat also got a date with Real and Chance.
So take off your boots and sit a spell and don’t forget the Bud or whiskey and a good chaw of tobacco. It’s fixin to be a real fun night.
Am I the only one who hears banjo music in the darkness?
We are down to 14 girls. There are 7 girls wearing Chance pendants and 7 wearing Real pendants. As the episode starts we get more of the women ganging up on Blonde Baller claiming she has a boyfriend back home (either California or Florida) and that’s who she’s been talking to on the phone. First there is the question of where she is from, she says she’s from Compton in California, but says all her friends are from Florida. I wonder if she knows they are different states and on different oceans?
I can sneak up on BB, my big butt acts as a sound buffer. Unless I get gas.
Junk is the most verbal and the most obnoxious and tells the others that BB lies all the time and that they shouldn’t believe anything she says. Meanwhile BB gets a call from a girl and finds out that the guy (Courtney) that she’s been talking to, was shot and killed.
BB is very upset, sort of, but she decides not to leave because the funeral will be in Michigan and since he was just a friend, she’s going to stay on the show. All the other girls wonder why she is not more upset if this guy was such a close friend. I think BB shows an amazing amount of control when she loses a friend.
The time is nine pm at the tone. Beep
Junk doesn’t believe any of it and thinks she just made this up so Real and Chance won’t think she has a boyfriend. Junk does make the effort to tell BB she is sorry and then roll her eyes. These women are not at all kind to one another. And they are all ready to stab each other in the back at any given moment.
Junk hugs BB when she hears that her friend died. Junk really wishes she could just turn around and sit on BB with her enormous butt and squeeze the truth out of her, but there are too many witnesses hanging around.
Then the girls receive a note from the guys saying they will be going on a hunt for the truth and they all stampede into the dressing room to change. With each new assignment, they score new clothes. Unfortunately, they alter the clothes to more or less rags which barely cover the implants and their butts.
This time they get boots and cargo pants and tank tops. Of course, how they wear these clothes is what separates these women from the rest of us. They also get bandanas which identify which team they are on. Of course, BB and Junk are together again. These girls just can’t get a break.
The women are all in uniform and out in the country. Hopefully the next contest will not involve guns or knives. It could get ugly out there.
Once the ladies are dressed Mamacita gets a little freaked out. She thinks they might be going to Afghanistan. I realize these women are not the brightest bulbs, but seriously she thinks they might be going to a war zone with her 3 week training that included getting drunk, shaking her butt around and acting like a skank? I don’t think so. Besides women have no rights over there and these women would be shot on sight for dressing the way they do. Don’t worry Mama, they don’t need you in Afghanistan just yet.
Mama worries she’s being shipped to Afghanistan. If only.
The Stallionaires gather the women outside in a park up in the hills. They tell the women that they believe in Bigfoot and that he has been spotted in this area. Bigfoot is actually their own brother Micah in a fur suit. They give each team a backpack with a net, bullhorn and other stuff to help them find Bigfoot.
Finally they also do the Bigfoot or Yeti call for them which sounds a lot like the call of Chewbacca from Star Wars. They get all the girls to do it and tell them that it will attract Big Foot. They also tell them to look for clues like fur and bloody stuff. It’s a little weird.
Just follow the footprints. This one looks fresh.
So off they go running into the woods like the running of the brides at Filene’s in the spring. Sassy the voice of reason says “I don’t believe in no damn Big Foot”. Me neither, so why are you running like your pants are on fire? You really want a date with those guys that badly? I guess she does. Don’t you think it would be better to win money than just a few dates with these guys? I do.
As they wander through the mud and water, some of them are finding some clues. They are all getting frustrated and running around like a bunch of idiots. When suddenly, BB spots him and she runs and jumps on him. So the Pink team won. You would think that BB’s teammates Baker, Doll, Junk and PS would congratulate her, but no they just act like it was a team effort. Good job BB I guess you solved the Big Foot mystery and thanks to you, your team won dates with Chance and Real.
Add this to your resume ladies! Official Yeti Catchers.
They go back to the house to get cleaned up. You would be surprised how dirty these girls got after just a little time in the woods. I guess they are not used to the wide open spaces. It’s a good thing they are not in Afghanistan, they would never be able to hide from the enemy.
Real and Chance are taking the winning team on a date, Baker and Doll will go on the first date which takes place in the guys bedrooms. OK, if a guy you were dating said you’re going on a date to my bedroom, would you go? Me neither, but I guess that’s why we’re not on this show.
Baker is with Chance and Doll is with Real. When they enter the bedroom it is draped all over and there are pillows on the floor all around and a table on the floor with food and there is a gypsy lady there. She is going to give them all “spiritual foot readings”. That’s right, she reads their feet.
Official Gypsy Spiritual Foot Reader
First up is Baker and Chance. They both put one foot on a pillow and the gypsy goes from one to the other spouting such mysticism like Baker is ready to be with one person but sometimes she puts up a defensive wall. I thought that was just her enormous breasts, they have the same effect.
Chance is really enjoying this and he tells Baker he wants to get to know her spiritual side. Baker immediately starts crying. She said she doesn’t like to let people see this side of her, the softer side. Chance loves this and he tells her he likes what he sees. Of course you do, she is practically bursting out of her dress and she’s crying and being all sentimental instead of kicking your butt about something. I can’t imagine why she is crying, but maybe it’s from lack of food or something.
Baker bawls after her psychic foot reading. Is it possible these women have their periods every week?
Next up Doll and Real are ready for their psychic foot reading. Doll gets her spiritual foot reading first. The psychic says that Doll has a lot of bottled up pain in her heart. She starts bawling like a baby. She lost her parents at a young age due to illness. But the psychic tells her that her parents are always with her and there to help her. Doll tells Real that her parents died when she was 12 and 14 and that she’s been dealing with it for the past couple of years. I guess she just ignored those feelings until recently? I don’t know, that’s what it sounds like to me.
What is wrong with these girls? Both of them bawl like a baby when some gypsy reads their feet? What do they do if something important happens have a stroke?
Doll just started dealing with her parent’s deaths a couple of years ago. But they died when she was 12 and 14? I guess she needed to take a break first. The way these women cry at the littlest thing, I believe it.
Both Doll and Baker say they had a nice time and got to know the guys better. I wonder how much Real and Chance like being cried on. I would think it’s a downer if your date is bawling, but maybe they like that stuff.
I would have laughed out loud if a gypsy woman read my feet. I don’t care if she has an accent, and I don’t care if she is wearing a table cloth on her head and a thousand bracelets, I would still laugh. She would probably say that I laugh to hide my inner hurting child, oh wait, here it comes, I’m bawling like a baby too!! Damn gypsy!
Look deep into this guys eyes and kiss your butt goodbye. The gypsy foot reader is much safer.
The next morning, Apple shows up in Real’s room carrying his breakfast on a tray for him. She hasn’t had enough alone time with him and thinks she has to step up her game. Real really likes this and feels like Apple is really showing him that she cares about him and takes care of him.
This isn’t going to work, he can get room service everyday. Sorry Apple.
But when Real asks her if she can handle his crazy life, she doesn’t answer the question. Real thinks she is sweet and smart, but that probably isn’t a real requirement for his girlfriend. I think he wants a nice girl with big boobs, nice legs and little or no interest in anything but him. Apple is sweet and I don’t think she will last much longer.
So the rest of the winning Bigfoot team, BB , Junk and PS get to go to the zoo with the guys and then to lunch. Chance has BB and Junk, two women who hate each other and Real has PS. So PS gets a lot of time with Real and the other two shoot vicious glances at each other almost the whole time.
They all have a nice time until they sit down for lunch and start to talk. Junk calls BB a liar right in front of both of the guys. Junk has decided to expose BB for the lies she is telling. Chance is not really happy about all the fighting and he thinks it is ruining the lunch. Duh.
BB gets her little ass chewed by Junk. I’m starting to think Junk can literally talk out of her big butt.
When they get back to the house, Junk is still running her mouth and calling BB a liar and that she should go home. Meanwhile, BB goes and tells Sassy that Junk said she didn’t think Sassy was here for Chance either. This is true, Junk was talking about Sassy over lunch. BB on the other hand, did not say anything about any of the other contestants. And since both guys were right there, Junk is taking a big risk. The guys know BB didn’t talk about the other girls, Junk is lying and the guys both know it.
Junk’s still yelling at BB when they get back to the ranch. Her butt has completely taken over her brain.
Junk overhears BB talking to Sassy and says that BB was talking about all the other girls and telling lies. This is not true, but Junk is trying to get BB thrown out so she is pulling out all the stops, yelling and fighting very loudly. Chance overhears all this fighting and yelling and he is not happy. He doesn’t want anyone who is fighting and yelling.
BB can not defend herself against Junk’s overwhelming butt.
Finally, we are at elimination. We find out that two people will be leaving tonight. Junk thinks that BB has to go, especially after she badmouthed her so much.
Real picks the following girls: PS, Doll, Classy, Lady, Pocahontas and Sassy. Real eliminated Apple because she didn’t fit with his lifestyle. She is very sweet and nice, but is not his type. These eliminations are the nicest most pleasant eliminations I’ve ever seen. In other words, this is boring as hell. The girls all clap for each other and hug. It’s just sickening.
Bye, bye Apple.
Next we have Chance and here is where the controversy occurs. He picks Baker, Hot Wings, Flirty, Spanish Fly and Mamacita. That leaves Blonde Baller and Junk as the bottom two. He only has one neck chain left, what to do, what to do. It’s cold outside and the girls are shivering.
In an unusual move, Chance keeps both of the girls waiting. He says he can’t make up his mind right now and sends the girls all back inside. I guess he can’t decide whether to keep the girl with the enormous butt or keep the girl named Blonde Baller because she plays basketball, sure that’s why they call her that It’s a tough decision.
Chance can’t decide between BB and Junk. That’s a toughie, can he really handle Junk?
And this goes right into the next episode.
Blonde Baller goes to Chance’s room to talk to him. She brings him the code for her phone and tells him he is welcome to listen to all the voice messages, read the text messages, look at anything he wants. BB says she is telling the truth and has nothing to hide.
Chance is very impressed by this and tells her that he doesn’t need to do that to know she is telling the truth. After she leaves he says he liked that BB was willing to do that for him to prove she is telling the truth.
You can listen to all my messages and read my texts. I’m an open book and don’t forget, you can call me Baller.
Without eliminating anyone, they go right to the next challenge.
The girls are going to wrestle. They get new clothes of course and change into workout gear and head to a wrestling ring outdoors on Venice Beach. Junk and BB are on the same team, again. Junk mentions to anyone who will listen that she wanted to be on a different team so she could beat up on BB. Everyone is tired of hearing Junk bad mouth BB.
So the girls are at Stallionaires Slam at Venice Beach. They even have a ring announcer. The girls are divided into three teams Generation Slam has BB, Spanish Fly, Classy, Junk and Lady. Culture Clash has Sassy, Pocahontas, Mamacita and Flirty. Playground Beat Down has Hot Wings,Baker, PS and Doll.
There are some real wrestlers on hand to help show the women some moves. They have 15 minutes to practice which also includes reading a little bio of their characters. They’ve been given wrestling style names and a brief description of their character. For example: Junk’s character is supposedly an aerobics instructor. Hard to imagine that big butt doing aerobics, but you never know.
After their 15 minute practice, they go to change into their outfits and do hair and makeup. Each team is wrestling itself. So Junk’s dream has come true, she can wrestle BB, but this might hurt their chance to win a date with the guys.
Not surprisingly, the outfits are really sleazy and outrageous. The girls love them and so do the guys. This should be good, with all of the piercings, tattoos and implants, this is likely to be very good wrestling matches. I hope someone gets slammed with a folding chair.
First up is Playground Beatdown. This group was really good, they were flipping each other over the shoulder and bouncing off the mat. As the biggest move of the match, Hot Wings jumps off the second rope and does an elbow drop on PS. This actually hurt PS but she was a trooper and held on without acting like she was hurt.
Hot Wings in mid-air doing the flying elbow drop on PS. Yikes!
When their time was up, the guys said they loved it and that it showed they really paid attention to their instructors. They also said they loved PS’s commitment to entertaining her man. Nice, she took an elbow to the boob for you guys, good thing she didn’t pop an implant. They were remarkably good for only 15 minutes of instruction. If things don’t workout on this show, they might consider going over to WWE, they have sleazy clothes and big muscular guys in tights.
Real and Chance love to watch professional wrestling. Is anyone surprised?
Next up Generation Slam. This was the team with 5 members instead of 4. You would think this would make for a better team with one person stirring up the other four. Well, that’s what you would think, but that’s not what happened. These five women had no chemistry, they barely wrestled and Junk who was dressed like a school girl in a short pleated plaid skirt, white shirt and suspenders, stood in a corner and lifted these little arm weights. Junk stood in the corner lifting 5 pound weights and sticking out her butt the entire time. Did she think her butt was going to shoulder slam another girl all by itself?
Really Junk? Arm weights?
Generation Slam’s match was more boring than watching golf on TV or bowling. They really didn’t do much at all. Is it possible that these 5 women have never watched one episode of professional wrestling, not even when The Rock was still on it? I don’t get it, they had the opportunity to win a date, but instead they just kind of stood around. Junk was the worst. Even the guys kept saying “why is Junk just standing there in the corner?”.
The last team up was Culture Clash. These girls were the complete opposite of Generation Slam. Culture Clash was Sassy, Pocahontas, Flirty and Mamacita. These girls were all really good, they had great chemistry and did some amazing moves. They were all over the place and they were really acting like professional wrestlers. They were body slamming each other and pinning each other. Each of the women really got into it and the guys loved it.
It was not really a big surprise when Real and Chance picked Culture Clash to receive the Championship Belt. The women all won dates with Real and Chance. The first date was for Chance and Mamacita and Real and Sassy to go out for dinner. Mama and Sassy were very excited about this. They got dressed up and they all got in a limo on the way to a restaurant.
Sassy and Mama look really nice for their date. Mama really needn’t have bothered.
In the limo, Mamacita mentions that she doesn’t want to get out of hand and drink too much. She asks Chance to keep an eye on her to make sure she doesn’t drink too much. For some reason, Chance pulls out the tequila bottle and starts pouring shots with OJ all around. Mama has a couple of them, but doesn’t want to keep drinking.
Chance pounds down the tequila all the way to the restaurant.
When they get to the restaurant, they are real romantic, they kiss and sit down at a table. Chance opens a bottle of wine and continues to drink a lot of stuff. Now I know that if you drink a bunch of Patron and top it with wine, it’s not going to be pretty. But it makes for good TV.
Drink up, don’t worry you won’t need room for desert.
Mamacita says they are getting chemistry going on. Mama is laughing a lot, which means her boobs are moving a lot, and I guess that’s what Chance likes. Chance is talking real loud, he’s had a lot to drink.
Over at the other table, Real is not drunk neither is Sassy. Real tells her that now is the time for her to open up and be Gabrielle (her real name) so he can get to know her. Of course, what does she do? She starts bawling all over the place about how she didn’t grow up with money and that she went through so much. She didn’t have clean clothes for school and wah, wah, wah. Real is not enjoying the crying. Nobody would. Nice date Sassy. She does a little of Scarlet’s “I’ll never be hungry again” speech. Nice job, yuck.
Are you kidding? This one is crying too. I’m so sick of these women crying everytime they are alone with the guys, what is wrong with them?
What is it with these women? They are all too young for menopause, so what is the deal with the bawling every time they talk? Maybe the guys should just make out with them instead of getting them to talk. Every time they talk, they bawl.
Back to the other table. Mama tells Chance “I don’t eat cow, I eat a lot of fish”. Chance says he can afford a fish fillet so he’ll take her to McD’s. Chance’s tone is a little angry and it is making Mama unhappy. He has also stabbed a steak with his fork and picks up the whole thing to gnaw off a piece instead of cutting it off.
Chance is not happy with the word “but”.
Chance is drinking more and more and when Mamacita says “I like you, but” Chance flips out and says he hates it when someone says “but”. He has never liked “but”. Mamacita says it was like he drank some “angry juice”. Chance tells her to be quiet and listen. At this point Chance is shouting, “Be Quiet!”
Chance is a loud and mean drunk.
Then he turns to Mama and says “let me piss off the side of this cliff”, they are eating outdoors, so he walks away from the table and tells Mama to wait at the table. The next thing we hear is Chance puking into the bushes. Mama says she thinks the f***ing tequila bottle ruined her date, actually Mama, it was your date’s lack of self control that ruined your date.
The date is almost over as Chance leaves Mama to piss off a cliff and puke. What a guy.
Real looks over and sees that Chance is gone, so he excuses himself from Sassy and goes to find Chance and make sure he’s ok.
Back at Casa de Tramps, Hot Wings, is walking around complaining because she has never won a date with the guys. She’s wearing sunglasses, so either she’s crying, or she wants us to think she’s crying. She says she is done and she can’t do this anymore and she wants to go home. I’m almost ready to hand her an Emmy for this performance.
BB thinks Hot Wings is the best actress she’s ever met and she would be happy to help Hot Wings pack. BB says Hot Wings is not really leaving and is just acting like a drama queen.
Back at the restaurant where Chance has just puked and thus ended his part of this double date, Real tells Sassy and Mama that they have to leave because Chance is too drunk.
They all get back in the limo, but Chance is sitting up front. Mama feels really bad about this, Real asks Mama to sit by him. She does and he comforts her as she is crying. Mama likes Real a lot and is not happy with Chance at all. One thing I noticed is that Sassy was really nice about the fact she had to share Real with Mama. I think another girl would have acted all jealous and mad, but Sassy didn’t do that so I’ll try not to call her Skanky any more.
They get back to the house and there is Hot Wings and her bags are all packed and by the door. She feels like she wasted her time and she is not going to keep trying. Sassy talks her out of leaving and and tells her not to be a quitter. Hot Wings has an epiphany and says” Of course, what am I doing? I’m not a quitter” She takes her bags back upstairs. I bet they weren’t really packed.
Hot Wings packs her stuff (supposedly) because she hasn’t had a date with guys yet and wants to go home.
Chance wakes up with a hangover, he was chugging wine and tequila. I can’t even imagine what that hangover is like. I’ve decided I would rather die than have another wine hangover, it’s just not worth it. Chance apologizes to Mama for getting drunk on his date. Mama is starting to like Real more than Chance and she doesn’t know what to do.
So the guys take Poca and Flirty out on a date for being the other half of the winning wrestling team. Flirty is with Chance and Poca is with Real. They are going to see “Chelsey Lately” because Real and Chance are appearing on the show. For some reason Flirty looks completely different than the first week, maybe she’s toning down the makeup a bit, she looks really pretty.
Chelsey Handler and Chuy.
This was pretty cool. The girls were in the green room and met Chelsey and Chuy. I love that show too. The guys appearance was funny and they all did a good job. The girls loved meeting the celebrities.
After they return to the house, Junk goes to see Chance and tells him that she thinks BB is lying about who she is talking to on the phone. I need to mention here that Junk is sitting on a saddle, on an ottoman. It looks a little unsteady, and her butt looks even bigger.
When Junk talks, nobody listens.
Junk says the deception about BB’s conversations on the phone is fishy. Chance thinks Junk is losing points because this is all she talks about.
Instead of getting to know Junk, he just hears her talking about BB and badmouthing her. Chance and Real both think that they can’t get to know Junk if she never talks about herself and only tells on the others. Good point cowboy, you can’t get to know someone if all they do is talk about others behind their backs. Someone should tell Brett Michaels about this.
Junk can’t get off the saddle without help. That was funny, her butt is really big and she should reconsider wearing shorts and capri pants. Seriously that butt is huge, it looks like it could eat a couch.
Next Lady, goes to see Real because she didn’t get a date either. Real wants to get to know Lady. She talks a lot and really fast. Real is a little suspicious and wonders what the heck is going on with her, she seems like she is keeping something from him, but she ends the conversation before he can find out.
Lady talks to Real and ends up sounding like a nut case. She has issues, but she is keeping them to herself for now.
Mamacita is worried and is crying in the kitchen because her date was so bad and she doesn’t know what to do. Plus Real is being really nice to her and he likes her. Mama says she is trying to get Chance’s attention but never gets anything back.
The guy that was captioning this episode had some fun. While Mama was bawling and talking and the only thing I understood is that she thinks Real likes small boobs and doesn’t like her big boobs. She was blubbering some other stuff, but the captioning guy didn’t know what she said either so he put some jibberish up and Real just shook his head. Other than that, she cried and had snot all over. She cries like a real person and that is not good television.
Real comforts Mama, but has no idea what she is talking about. Neither do we.
Elimination time. Will they finally make the cut from last episode? Let’s find out.
Mamacita doesn’t want to be a whore by going from brother to brother. By the way she is still crying about this. Wait a minute, how does that make you a whore? Were you sleeping with these guys? If not, I don’t see a problem.
Now it’s time to brand all the women with the chains. Real called PS, Sassy, Poca, Doll and Classy. Chance calls Hot Wings, BB, Baker, Flirty and Spanish Fly.
That means that Mamacita, Lady and Junk are in the bottom 3. Real has one chain and so does Chance.
Who’s going home this week? Lady or Junk or Mama? Maybe all three.
In a surprise move Real decides to offer his chain to Mama instead of Lady. This creates a problem. Lady was in Real’s group, not Mama, so if Mama switches sides that means Lady is out unless Chance asks her to wear his chain.
Real thinks Mama deserves a good man. But this is not over, Chance still likes Mama too and he wants to give her his chain too. This does not look good for Junk. Neither of the guys offered her a chain, they are both waiting on Mama.
Mama has two guys offering her chains. I think she should take both.
Mama hems and haws and doesn’t know what to do. She doesn’t know what to think about Chance, the dates are awful. She likes that Real is always there for her. Finally Mamacita picks Real but this is the good part. Chance looks at Junk and says, this chain was for Mama not for you. That means Junk and Lady are both out. Junk is not happy. Lady seems a little unbalanced. It’s a good thing they didn’t get to know Lady better, she has issues.
BB is so happy/relieved to see Junk leave. Chance thinks he can get Mama back. Mama also mentions that if Chance misses her, she’ll be back with him. So we may have more team changes later on.
The wrestling was actually very entertaining and I loved the Yeti hunt. At least this was different from the normal contests of stripping or a drunken make out session. Maybe that will happen later in the show.
Next time, the girls try out for an infomercial and it looks like there is a visit from a tattoo artist, I wonder if the women will do like the stripper from Rock of Love and tattoo either Real or Chance or maybe both, on their body. I guess we’ll have to wait and see.
Yee Haww, y’all!
Tune in next week.