Real Chance of Love: Round Up Time

Howdy Gasmii!!

Welcome to the second season of Real Chance of Love. The brothers Real (Ahmad Givens) and Chance (Kamal Givens) do everything together and that includes finding the right person to love. So naturally they want to do it on TV.

So giddyup over here and set yourself down a spell and listen to the tale of two Stallionaires and their search for love out in California, probably have their own cement pond and critters just like the Clampetts. No? Too bad, I would like to see some of these women clean out a barn and shovel some real shit for a change. But something tells me even without the livestock, they’ll be up to their hooker heels in shit before long.

First up a little history on our cowboys. The brothers broke into reality programming by appearing on I Love New York, where they were both rejected. Now they have their own show and they’ve gathered 20 women to compete for their love. Unlike the first season, the women will not be choosing which guy they want which would divide them into two teams. The brothers want to get to know the ladies first and give them a chance to see if they like each other before they pick sides.

The show starts with the brothers riding up to their Western Style McMansion on yellow trikes. I’ll call this place Casa de Tramps. It’s decorated with silhouettes of women on stripper poles in some of the upper windows. The house has a decidedly ranch or western decor. Since Real and Chance refer to themselves as “Stallionaires” it’s the perfect setting.

The grounds of the house sport a big outdoor pool, hot tub and various cabanas and couches and chairs so they can all get to know one another out in nature. It’s not like a swimming hole out in the country, but this way they can control the bacteria and other organisms with mega doses of chlorine to keep the water sparkling clean and the women out of the free clinic as long as possible.

The most important part of this house and every other house in these shows is a big well stocked bar. Nothing screams mature conversation and get to know you cheer more than doing shots with strangers. This also alleviates the problem of transporting 20 women to the nearest watering hole where they could be arrested, solicited and/or a pick up actual side jobs stripping. The producers want all the great stuff like that done right here at home where they have multiple cameras set up and plenty of lights.

Real has very nice long hair and a sweet smile, Chance has shorter hair and is more outspoken. He also has a little gap between his two front teeth. The brothers get off their trikes, take off their helmets and are happy to see 20 screaming skanks all wearing their very best outfits of spandex, leather, spike heels, tattoos, various pierced body parts and hopefully at least a thong underneath some of those small skirts.

OK, I admit it, I’m the one who is hoping for underwear. Something tells me underwear is necessary for these girls, unless all of the furniture is covered in plastic that can be disinfected as often as necessary.

The girls are screaming like they haven’t seen a man in years. This makes me wonder if the roundup of these women was actually done in a women’s prison instead of the usual Frederick’s of Hollywood discount outlet. Based on their clothing I’d have to say the Frederick’s of Hollywood outlet is the most likely recruiting spot, or that’s where the producers took these women shopping before admitting them to the Casa de Tramps. The shopping trip takes place right after they have received a clean bill of health from the clinic or after they’ve finished their prescription of antibiotics for what ever they had.

The guys introduce themselves and tell the ladies they are looking for love. The women scream and giggle even more. They act like pre-teens at a Jonas Boys concert, but there is not a single purity ring in sight. There are rings of course, but most of them are pierced into the nipples and genitals of these women and they are not purity rings. My guess? They don’t even know what a purity ring is, or where you would put it.

Real and Chance tell the women first things first, they need to go inside and choose their beds. The women run into the house with the sound effect of galloping hooves accompanying them. I liked this bit of humor for our western gals and their dudes. Little do they know how much they resemble a herd of cattle.

There are various bedrooms in Casa de Tramps and all are setup with bunk beds. With all of the alcohol, bodily fluids, make-up and hair products, what is the point of putting nice furniture, towels, sheets or anything else in this house? I’m thinking maybe when they move out, you might want to have the house disinfected. Some of these girls have been around the block, many, many times.

Since the women located their beds, they decide it’s time to hit the liquor. They all run to the bar and begin drinking the free liquor like it’s the last night before prohibition. They start throwing down the shots and mixed drinks. Some of them start pairing up and making rude remarks about the other ladies in the room. When you mix liquor and skanks, you get a very rowdy crowd.

It’s always fun to watch a bunch of girls who don’t know each other get hammered and then try to act sexy later in the show. Especially if they are puking and telling the star how much they love him. On Rock of Love Brandi M got really drunk after one of Brett’s concerts. She was really sick and Brett helped hold her hair while she puked and then she told him she loved him. That was such a great moment in reality TV history, it brought a tear to my eye when she slured to Brett about her true feelings all the while puking up the liquor she gulped down backstage. Maybe if we’re lucky, we’ll have another poignant moment like that on this show. Oh if only!!

Many times an abundance of free alcohol leads to a fight. With this many girls and a bad economy, I’m guessing it won’t be long before the fists start flying and there are bad weaves of every color flying through the air.

A couple of the women (one of them is the tallest girl with the chest tattoo) are talking about how the other women look. They are making snide remarks and saying that one particular woman looks like a man. Specifically, the one with the bright orange skin from too many self-tanning products and the really awful wig. The wig looks like a bad hair hat from a second hand store. Or maybe a kids art project. It’s really bad.

In defense of the orange girl, another woman (called Hot Wings later on) says that the orange girl looks like she might have a vagina and that she has boobs. And she’s the one standing up for the poor orange girl. Imagine what she would say if she were cutting her down.

Before the ladies get too drunk, Real and Chance gather the women in one room so they can bestow upon them the golden label of an embarrassing nickname. The naming ceremony has been around since the Flavor of Love show. It comes in handy if you can’t remember names very well because often the nickname reflects some trait of the person. Like Smiley- smiled a lot, Crazy- was nuts, Buckwild-you get the idea.

First up we have a tall woman in a very tight pink dress and no bra. Personally I thought the name Nips would be good, but instead she is named “Baker”. No bra and pink spandex, what a lady.

Next up is a really pretty woman in a long dress with long dark hair. The guys call her Pocahontas. The next girl was named Vegas because she lives there. She was very proud of her butt and kept showing everyone her backside. Maybe Butt Vegas would be a better name for this one.

Next was a really pretty woman with very short dark hair. She said her nickname is “Pure Sex” so the guys call her P.S. Then a woman in very tight pink pants starts walking around showing her assets. From the way she is wiggling, you don’t have to guess what her nickname is, they call her Junk, because of her butt.

Next up is a crazy girl with big eyes, who has a very masculine build. They decide to call her “Ribbons”. She is really odd looking and has a very weird laugh, almost like a cackle. She has crazy looking eyes. Calling her Ribbons was just a desperate attempt to not piss her off. If they called her Bat Shit Crazy, she might have gone off and killed somebody.

There are still a few girls left to name, one is a shy Asian woman wearing glasses, they call her Apple because she looks like a naughty teacher. A girl with pretty eyes is named Flirty, then there is Classy, then Doll and finally Mamacita.

Of course there was a very memorable woman. A tall pretty blonde woman says she runs with all guys from Compton and that her nickname is “Blonde Baller” because she plays basketball.

Next up is a stripper from Hawaii, so they called her Aloha. And then worst self tanner job I’ve every seen, this girl is orange, not just a little, but a lot. She looks like she was painted orange. She is also wearing a really bad weave or maybe just a bad wig. It looks like it’s ratted hair made out of a dead cat or maybe a piece of shag carpeting. It’s awful. She looks like she’s been rode hard and put up wet as they say on the ranch. This poor girl has some bad hair, awful skin, stripper clothes and a bad attitude. Seems like she is perfect for this show.

She wants to be called Show Me because she is from Kansas City in the Show Me state. Kansas City is in Missouri which is called the Show Me State.

The guys can’t get over the color of her skin and frankly I’m wondering if it will come off on the sheets or her clothes. Real and Chance call her a tangerine. I think she may have discovered another race. I don’t know how she got this orange unless she found someone’s stash of QT from the ’60′s. That’s the same color you would get back before they perfected the formula. Heck even George Hamilton looks more natural than this little pumpkin.

Come to think of it, this girl should be called Pumpkin instead of Show Me.

Next up is a really pretty hispanic woman, they call her Spanish Fly and then there is a blonde in a gold dress and gold heels. She is gold head to toe and she looks older than all of the rest of the women. They decide to call her Wiggly because she is shaking. I wonder if she has some kind of medical issue or she is just really nervous. The guys think that from far away she looks old but close up she is ok. I think she looks bad close up and far away.

Wiggly doesn’t look good in this shot. I wonder how old she is.

There are a few more left. Lady is a really pretty woman, Sassy was another one they went pretty quickly to the next girl who was very pretty. They called her Hot Wings, because she works at Hooters.

And finally, the last girl was a tall dark haired girl with a big tattoo on her chest and tattoos on her arms. When she walked up to the guys, they said “Sasquatch” and she said no! She didn’t want that name and she didn’t want to be called Chewy either. So they left her alone in the room for a minute so they could discuss her nickname. She is really tall and looks kind of like a man, but they didn’t want to hurt her feelings so they end up calling her Freckles with is about the fifth thing you would notice on this girl.

Now that all the women have their nicknames and are wearing name tags, the guys decide to get to know the women by the pool. They’ve passed out blankets and there are groups of girls all over and the guys are moving from group to group.

The girls are all getting really drunk and I’m wondering when the punches will fly. Fortunately, I won’t have too long to wait.

Chance is sitting with a Hot Wings, Spanish Fly and another girl. They are all talking when suddenly Chance notices that Ribbons has slid in next to him on the bench. She did it very boldly and Chance was not happy about being interrupted. He says she is coming on boldly like a dude.

Not only that, we got a very long look at her underwear and I for one am glad he/she was wearing some. Even if they were bright red at least we didn’t have to look at whatever it is between those legs. Actually she is sitting on the bench with her legs apart. She kind of puts one leg up on Chance. Apparently where Ribbon comes from, spreading your legs while wearing a short skirt is not obscene. It’s just gross.

Chance asks Ribbons to stand up, she does and he looks her up and down and then says “Is this a girl?” The other girls laugh but Ribbon is angry “I’m 100% natural woman, I can’t help it if I have more body mass.” Chance walks away from Ribbons, he is a little scared. I would be too.

Over at the next couch, Real is sitting with Show Me and he asks her if she is a stripper and she says yes. Then he says that his Momma is real strict and Show Me says “well guess what buddy, you have pretty much all strippers here, so you better choose up.” He is put off by her attitude and asks her how much she has had to drink, she says she’s not drunk. I guess her obnoxious attitude comes naturally. It’s about the only natural thing on this little orange. She should do commercials for the citrus growers. Miss Orange is really orange. I bet she’s just in a bad mood because it’s hard when you get laughed at all day long.

Sassy is also sitting with him says she is in real estate, models and is an up and coming actress. Show me says she’s a rapper too. Real asks Sassy why didn’t you tell me that before , Sassy doesn’t answer him. So Show Me asks her to rap and Real says yes he wants to hear it too. So she does a little rap about being with Real. It was ok, not terrible but not great.

In the comments, Real says that this isn’t VH1 music video and that Sassy is on the wrong show.

Sassy and Show Me start arguing and Real leaves to get away from the fight. Sassy is angry with herself for allowing Show Me to cost her time away from being alone with Real. A fight on the first day is not good and Real does not want to sit and listen to the women fight.

Real is talking with Pocahontas and Aloha when suddenly he notices Ribbon looking and winking at him. He is a little freaked out. He thinks she looks like the Devil. Then he looks away from her and suddenly, she is right behind him. He does not like this at all. He says he knows that she is horny, but she has to calm down.

Chance is talking to Vegas, when Show Me and her orange skin and bad wig or weave or both tell Chance that she wants to talk to him. He tells Vegas she is being kind of bitchy so he goes to talk to Show Me. She is getting very angry with other girls. They are all being kind of bitchy and it is only the first day. Chance asks Vegas to go and get him more ice so he and Show Me can talk.

Meanwhile PS tells Real that she has Krohn’s disease. This is not a good topic for your first meeting. What’s next, is someone going to announce they have crabs? Real and Chance decide this is TMI for a first meeting.

As they are talking Freckles interrupts. Real and Chance both think she is like Sasquatch but they are only joking and not serious. I don’t think it’s a joke, Sasquatch looks like a guy. She looks like a big mean guy with freckles and a tube top.

And before you know it, Vegas starts baiting Baker. She is calling her a man. She says she finds someone’s weakness and exploits it. That’s her strategy for the game. So she says to Baker, it’s not my fault you look like a guy. The girls are all drunk and acting badly and before you know it, the fight starts.

Vegas actually was talking to Baker and saying she looks like a guy and that Baker should tuck her balls in, but Show Me is the one who flips out and starts hitting Vegas in the head. The security guys have to drag her off of Vegas and Vegas is bleeding from her forehead and the bridge of her nose. Chance and Real come over to see her and figure out what happened.

As Real and Chance are wiping the blood from Vegas’ head she says it isn’t her fault if someone looks like a man. She says she wasn’t being rude, she was just saying that the orange girl looks like a man. That was just an innocent little comment right? What a bitchy way to try and win this game. But it works in most of the other shows so why not?

Real and Chance send Show Me inside the house. She is still steaming mad from the fight and what Vegas said. She apologizes for hitting Vegas but she tells Real and Chance that once she gets pushed too far she has to react. They tell her they can’t keep her if she hits someone and she is not upset and says goodbye.

Real and Chance go outside to make a very important announcement. They gather the girls and tell them that Show Me has left the house, at which point Vegas says “1 down 9 to go” and she says “oh no” like she is really upset. Real and Chance don’t like this attitude at all so they tell the ladies that things are different on this show. The person that hits has to leave and so does the one who instigated the fight.

Oh,oh. Vegas baby that’s you. She tries to tell the guys that she didn’t even hit back and they tell her but you caused the fight, you were the instigator. She is crying, but they walk her to the door and out she goes.

Meanwhile, back in the pool area a few of the remaining ladies are worried. Several of them were causing trouble and they wonder if they will be asked to leave too. Freckles was making a lot of rude comments and she is wondering if she is next, she and Vegas were talking about all of the other girls before they went out to the pool.

Before you can fill up your glass of vodka, it’s time for elimination. There will be two more ladies leaving the house tonight.

I’d like to mention that they are outside standing on risers in their skimpy outfits. Meanwhile, Real and Chance are wearing jeans and coats. The girls are just shaking from the cold night air, why didn’t they do this inside? It’s nighttime so it’s not like they were trying for an outdoor shot. By the number of visible nipples I would say it’s very cold outside right now and that most of the women don’t wear bras. I guess when you have new boobs, they stand up all by themselves. Some breasts look like they may have been filled with helium and are so new they have price tags, but that’s just my opinion.

Ribbons is looking at the other ladies and says that she wants Real and Chance to get rid of all of the “Ghetto Whore Goblins” left and keep only her. Look who is calling whom a Ghetto Whore Goblin. Ribbons scares the crap out of both of the men and all of the women too. They’re not even sure she’s a woman. And you should see the mean frown on her face while other names are called. She’s one scary beotch!!

Instead of handing out big clocks, the girls are receiving R & C plaques on a big chain. It’s big and gaudy, therefore looks perfect with every ensemble. I mean you can’t wear pearls with some of these outfits, but the chains add a perfect touch of trashy bling and they go with everything, even hooker heels.

Obviously the two guys keep all of the ladies that look like women. They call all of the pretty women right away and as the numbers dwindle we see more and more scary looks from Ribbons and Freckles, the other one left is Wiggly there are three remaining Ribbons, Freckles and Wiggly.

Freckles is going nuts, she can’t imagine why she wasn’t called first. Really Freckles? How about the fact that they were going to call you Sasquatch, did that sound like a nickname of a dream girl you want to be in love with? And the constant references to Yeti and Chewbacca? Please. Perhaps if the chest tattoo were smaller and the biceps not so threatening, but face it Freckles, you’re not their type. They’re looking for love not a linebacker and not the kind of girl that can beat the crap out of either or both of these guys.

Then there is crazy Ribbons. She stalked both of these guys and she just met them. Besides, if one of them has to ask if you are a man, that’s not a good sign. Additionally, she scares the crap out of both of the guys. Unless they like being scared and stalked, she doesn’t have a chance in Hell of getting a chain. And how about that awful look on her face? Did you see the weird frown? She looks like a gargoyle! And that’s not good.

That leaves us with Wiggly. She is kind of cute. She’s petite with blonde hair( kind of yellow) but her face looks so weird. She had a weird face, she looks old in one shot, then close up she looks younger, but then from another shot she has bad acne scars. She is shaky and I wonder if she is cold or maybe she’s had a stroke. I think they should have called her Strokey.

They build up a little suspense, but come on, no one thought Wiggly was going home and he was taking scary Ribbons or Sasquatch Freckles. As they are telling Ribbons not to be sad or hurt, she gives them both the finger. Proving that she is just not the girl for them and perhaps isn’t a girl at all, the guys feel good about letting her go because of her behavior. I get the feeling they are both relieved to be rid of this scary chick.

Freckles leaves without incident, she’s probably in shock that she wasn’t picked. I think the guys got rid of Ribbons and Freckles because they both looked like men and they didn’t want to date men. I’m glad this one is gone too, she was pretty bitchy and mean to the other girls. I’m sure there are enough other mean and bitchy girls left on the show to last us the rest of the season.

And that’s how we leave it for this week. There are 16 girls left to compete in next weeks challenge where someone else will be eliminated. We saw some glimpses of the challenges including wrestling and hula hoop and some cheerleading. I’m hoping for some kind of horseback riding competition or maybe a camping trip.

Until next week Gasmii.

Adiós, muchachos

TVannie