It’s week 3 at the Casa de Tramps and we have 15 women still in the running to mount the stallionaires and ride off into the sunset, or at least Sunset Boulevard where they can earn a living.
This week we see Blonde Baller, you remember her the “athlete” of the bunch right??? She is on the phone with her Best Friend Dale. She makes sure to say “Hi Best Friend, how are you Best Friend?” Fine, dip shit how are you? Obviously this is weird and Junk hears her and thinks this girl is hiding something. How do you hide something by screaming?
“Hi Best Friend, What Best Friend? No Best Friend, I still live in a house full of women and I need to escape the estrogen. Yes Best Friend I much prefer living in a house filled to the rafters with men like you Best Friend.”
In an effort to convince anyone listening that she and Dale are just friends, BB keeps yelling “Best Friend” at the top of her lungs. Basically she sounds stupid, like if she doesn’t repeat herself over and over, she will forget who he is.
How can someone dressed like any of these girls hide anything? I’m afraid one of them is going to blow a tampon and hit someone in their eye every time they get into an argument. I’m sure we’ll revisit this phone conversation later in the show.
This week, we start with Stallion Mail, who knew the pony express was up and running in McMansion land? The girls are going to audition for a music video. They have to change into their rehearsal wardrobe so they rush off to change into their new dance clothes.
I love these ladies, they see a pair of jersey pants and t-shirt and the first thing they do is slice up the clothes to reveal every bit of their bodies. They slice and dice and manage to make yoga pants look like the latest in stripper wear. Add their push up bras and thongs and hooker heels and they are all ready for a video vixen rehearsal.
Baker demonstrates creativity in her stripper wear workout gear. I’ve never seen an outfit like this at Curves.
The two stallions, Real and Chance have brought Gloria Velez who is some sort of video vixen trainer or something. All these jobs, I never knew existed. Are there degree programs at DeVry for this stuff? This probably pays way more than pharmacy assistant.
Gloria shows the girls 4 basic moves. First, the Cat Walk. This is the same thing Miss J shows all the models on “America’s Next Top Model”. The girls walk one by one in some kind of straight line and wiggle their butts a lot. Gloria stresses that she wants to see sexy not trashy. She is going to need to be much more specific with this group. Maybe she should just tell them, no visible nipples or cootchies.
Booty Camp for Video Vixen auditions. I guess you don’t need a resume for this job.
Next up is the Booty Shake. This is where you stand still, but shake your butt really fast. Some of the girls can shake it really good while others needed help. Let’s face it strippers can do this stuff no problem. If they came into my office and said do a booty shake, all the women would take off their boots and shake them.
The third move is the Grind. It’s not the old MTV show hosted by Eric (I wash my hair with pee) Nies. This is when you grind your crotch on someone or I guess something. The women have no problem with this move, but Apple says she doesn’t know why a person would need to do this in “real life”. Apple – you are supposed to be on a “reality show” this is real life.
Apple is as dumb as a box of rocks.
So Booty Camp is over and now Gloria is going to pick 3 captains and they will each pick their team members. The non-strippers are at a huge disadvantage. The three captains are Baker, who looks like a hooker with her clothes all sliced up and her boobs hanging down to her waist. Captain two is Lady, she was very quiet during the booty camp, but she must be able to dance a little and the third captain is Pocahontas. The captains form their teams from the remaining women.
Baker has PS, Mamacita, Flirty and Aloha. They will be dancing in front of the mansion and need to work out a routine with the guys on the motorcycles.
Lady is going to be dancing at the bar and again there will be two men performing the parts that Real and Chance would have in this video. Lady’s group includes Hot Wings, Blonde Baller, Doll and Classy.
Lady’s team has to dance around a bar, this comes as second nature to these ladies.
Pocahontas’ group includes Skanky (Sassy), Spanish Fly, Apple and Junk. This group will be dancing by the pool and they will have a couple of guys in the water with them.
All the women get new outfits to put on and they get the song to listen to and figure out their routines. The captains are supposed to help organize and create a dance to go with the song.
The women have one hour to create their dance and they will be judged on how many of the dance moves they use and how sexy they are and not trashy. They keep saying that like there is a big difference between sexy and trashy. I know there is a difference, but I’m not sure the women on this show know the difference, especially when you get a look at their wardrobe for this audition.
So first up is the pool girls. Pocahontas had a little trouble getting Apple to participate. She is very self-conscious and doesn’t want to dance. The other women in her group tell her she is beautiful and that all she has to do is try. Secretly, they will all kill her later if she doesn’t just suck it up and do the dance. They want to win this thing bad and unfortunately, that is how they dance, badly.
Apple should watch season 2 of Flavor of Love. There is an episode where a bunch of rappers come to the house and the women “entertain ” the men. There is one woman who nearly breaks her who hoo dancing like a skank. Believe me if Apple saw that she would realize that this is like a summer dance cotillion at the country club compared to that group.
Apple is the only girl on this show that isn’t ready and willing to strip naked to get attention.
The girls do their dance in and around the pool. The judges (Real, Chance and Gloria) tell them they did a good job and had a good story line.
The judges say the dancers were good and that they are sexy. But they must move on to the next two groups before they pick a winner.
Next up are the girls in the bar. There are two girls behind the bar, two sitting at the bar and one walks up to the bar when the song starts. The guys playing Real and Chance are behind the bar but when the girls get up on the bar and dance, you can’t really see the guys anymore.
Since this is for a video for Real and Chance, they should be visible during this part of the song. Chance says no one could see him with all the “knee caps, cankles and ankles” . I replayed that three times to make sure he said cankles. I didn’t know men where aware of cankles. Now I have another body part to worry about.
Lady’s group is dancing on the bar. It’s very sexy and a little confusing for Real and Chance.
The guys generally liked the dance at the bar because of the ending. At the end, the women pulled the men down behind the bar. It was kind of cool and at least they were listening to the song.
Finally, team three. These are Baker’s group and they are in front of the mansion with two guys on motorcycles. The girls come walking out and shake their butts at the guys and do their sexy cat walk and their booty shake. They do not block the guys faces and they seem to pull it off pretty well.
Your parent’s must be so proud.
They gather all the groups back together and say the girls were all good but the winner is, Baker’s group. So all the girls on Baker’s team get to go out with the guys. Before they leave, Chance and Real see Hot Wings crying because she wants to spend time with Chance. Chance sees this and is impressed because he is looking for love.
They get all dressed up in their finest evening wear and get in a big limo and head to one of my favorite places on earth. Hollywood Park. It’s a horse racing facility and I’ve been there several times with my parents. It’s beautiful. Since Real and Chance have horses we aren’t surprised they spend their time at this venue.
Baker is as subtle as a punch in the mouth.
The girls are sitting at tables talking and eating. PS is sitting at Chance’s table and she is getting kind of grossed out because he is making out with a couple of the women. Mamacita is acting like a cat in heat and Baker is nearly having sex on the table, so to get Chance’s attention, Flirty raises up her leg straight in the air. I guess she was calling the waiter or something. She keeps doing this and it does the trick, or she does a trick whatever, she has Chance’s full attention as he strokes her leg high above her head.
Flirty gets Chance’s attention and the attention of everyone else at the racetrack.
That’s a new one for behavior at a dinner table, how would you like to be sitting across the table from that one. She lifts her leg and you can see her crotch or her underwear if she happens to be wearing some. Yikes, well I guess she wins the Miss Congeniality Award this week for the woman with the friendliest legs.
Meanwhile, back at the house Blonde Baller is on the phone with her “Best Friend” Dale again. She is tired of being in the house with all women and she misses her Best Friend.
Blah, blah, blah,she said all of this before and it was boring the first time. Junk overhears this and runs to tell the other girls. She thinks BB has a guy back home who is a boyfriend, not her best friend. Who cares? And more importantly, why did the producers make her call twice in this episode, we could have noticed it with just one call. Do I smell a set-up? I hope this doesn’t get as predictable as some of the other “reality” shows.
Junk is spying on BB by sitting right next to her on the couch. Good job.
Back at the race track, Aloha is talking to Real and she tells him that she had a stripper pimp and he beat her, stole all her money and drove her to the desert and left her to die. Real says ” you had a pimp?” Aloha says “no a stripper pimp”, but Real replies “that’s the same thing to me.” That’s the same thing to me too Real, I’m glad we agree on something.
So Aloha is getting upset and says that Real doesn’t believe her, but he says he does and says it’s like an R. Kelly video. Aloha is bawling, Real thinks she might be nuts.
Not only is her life an R. Kelly video, she can’t even hold the binoculars the correct way.
When the date ends, the women are all home and PS says that it seems like the strippers don’t know how to act in public. I guess Flirty’s leg in the air was a little too much. Junk is spreading it all over the house that BB has a boyfriend back home named Dale. What a night.
The next day at the pool, PS says that BB has a boyfriend back home. She says this loudly and Real and Chance look up and want to know what’s going on. BB is upset and she goes back in the house with all the girls calling after her and saying that she has a boyfriend. The women are acting like a pack of wild dogs and BB is lunch.
“Baller has a boyfriend” PS screeches until Real and Chance pay attention and BB runs in the house crying. Well played P.S., unless of course you get kicked out for lying.
Chance goes into the house to see what’s going on with BB. She says that Dale is her friend, and that’s all he is. Chance doesn’t know what to believe. It looks like Chance will run after you if you cry. I hope the other women notice this trait it could be useful.
He’s just a friend, I mean I like Dale but I don’t like-like him. Honest.
Meanwhile back at the pool, Real is all over Doll. He is looking in her eyes and talking about her pierced tongue. Hmmm. Pierced tongue.
Doll has a pierced tongue which apparently is some sort of magnet for Real.
The guys decide it’s time to eat. So they send the women inside to get the food to grill and this is where the fun begins.
Aloha pulls out a package of raw salmon and opens it then slices off a piece and eats it. One of the other girls see her do this and gets grossed out and asks her if she knows that it’s raw and she says yes and that she likes it.
A non-sushi eater’s reaction to Aloha’s dinner. At least put that fish on a plate instead of eating it right out of the package.
Real asks what’s going on and Aloha says you grab the fish, break it’s spine and eat it right out of the water. Real looks at her and says she needs to go and get more “domesticated”.
Aloha flips out. She starts crying and screaming about how this is a serious matter. Real says she can’t take a joke.
Back outside a couple of the girls are missing and Chance asks where they are. One of the girls said they are inside because Aloha is upset. Real rolls his eyes. He is not interested in a crazy person. Meanwhile we can hear Aloha screaming from in the house. Nice bunch of women, every week one of them turns into a raving lunatic.
Domsticated, what the Hell, it’s not like he thinks you need potty training. Get a grip on what’s left of your sanity.
So we finally get to the Elimination ceremony. This week, the men are dividing the women between themselves. So some with get Real medals and some will get Chance medals.
These are the necklaces for the ladies. They will get one with an R or a C. I’m a little surprised they are not just branding them.
The producers manage to drag this out for a long time, but I’ll just give you the list because there was no drama. Aloha is nuts and said that she thinks Real is nuts too. He really didn’t like that comment and thinks she is just crazy. Chance realized she is crazy too, especially after she freaked out at the racetrack and told the sad tale of the R. Kelly video of her life.
Round up time at the Casa de Tramp.
Real picked Doll, Lady,Pocahontas, PS,Classy, Sassy and Apple. Chance picked Baker, Hot Wings, Spanish Fly, Flirty, Mamacita, Junk and Blonde Baller. Which means that this week Aloha is out.
In the end the fact that she is crazy is the reason she is leaving. She says she is not scandalous, she’s just crazy. Real tells her that she really eliminated herself and then tells her goodbye.
Aloha, Aloha, take your crazy butt home.
She laughs like a hyena a few more times and then she goes home.
It seems like after a girl acts just a little nuts, they get booted. Maybe Real and Chance are both super sensitive to crazy because of their earlier exposure to New York? Whatever it is, it’s making the show a little dull. But there’s always next week and the ladies haven’t gotten rid of Blonde Baller yet, so let’s see what happens.
Until next week,