Real Housewives of NYC: Check Yourself Before You Wreck Yourself

Hey Gasmii,

Here we are at the Real Housewives of NYC Finale!!! And I’m looking forward to this episode like a really good dessert after a kick ass meal. Got my skinny girl margarita and my laptop and I’m ready to go…

At the end of a long journey, Ramona finds peace.

Since I’m such a big fan of the Countess, I was thrilled to see that she is an aspiring writer and I’d like to start this final recap with a short poem that she wrote for her blog on the Bravo site:

“Jill would give you the shirt off her back

Ramona would tear the shirt off your back

Alex would buy the shirt off your back

and Bethany would bake cookies on it if she could”

I would also add that the Countess would donate a shirt for your back if she could be filmed while she was doing it.

However, I have to admit that it’s a surprisingly honest appraisal of the hausenfrau and it raises one of the chief obstacles that the editor’s must have faced in pulling together the finale; these women don’t seem to like each other that much. Everybody seems to like Jill, with the possible exception of Ramona. Nobody likes Alex, including the Countess, if we read her poem. Everybody wants to be liked by the Countess, but it’s unclear if anybody but Jill really likes her. Nobody but Bethenny can stand Ramona and Bethenny seems to hold her own with everybody. The Real Housewife formula calls for the women to come together at the end of the season having overcome various challenges and having become closer in the process. Right. Lots of luck. But here we go…

This week we start at a fundraiser for the Habitat for Humanity and the Countess is getting photographed on the red carpet wearing a pretty awesome flapperesque type dress. Bethenny arrives and kind of jumps on the carpet to get her picture taken with the Countess. Then low and behold they run into Alex and Simon at the same event. I guess it really is a small small world.

Wow. The editors told you to come here too? What a coincidence!

It’s pretty noisy where they are so they decide to go into the quieter auction area to chat and bid excessive amounts of money to support a good cause. Even Alex and Simon bid money that should be going to TILE THEIR FLOORS. Nope, I’m not over that yet. I mean there’s a certain irony that these two are bidding money to support habitat for humanity when their own dwelling is in need of some desperate services.

It turns out that this is the first time that Alex and Simon have seen the Countess since that fateful girls night out. The Countess showing an unusual sensitivity and tact demands to know what Simon was doing at the dinner? Did he know that it was a girls’ night out? Simon blinks and says No. Which is of course complete bullshit and Bethenny calls them out on this, pointing out that she told Alex on the phone that it was a girls’ night.

Ramona must be rubbing off on the Countess because she is throwing all restraint to the wind and is all like ” why would you want to bring your husband to a girls night out?” Note to self: While it is an etiquette no-no to ask these questions at the dinner party, it is apparently just fine to ask them after the fact at a charity event. I’m so grateful that we have the Countess to demonstrate the correct way to handle these sticky issues. Alex answers that she doesn’t understand ‘girls’ nights’ and ‘boys’ nights’. To her it’s a gender equality issue. Of course, having Simon as her spouse probably leaves Alex somewhat understandably confused in these matters and they’ve been married long enough that Alex may have forgotten that there are some pretty defined differences between most men and woman. But the gender equality issue thing has me stumped. I mean who would have thunk that Alex was a closet gender activist, marching on Washington and waving signs? Bethenny is having none of the gender equality business and tells the camera in a voice dripping with her patented brand of sarcasm, “I think she should take that to capital hill. I think that’s a big discriminatory issue.”

Meanwhile, Alex gets right to the heart of the matter by demanding, “Why can’t you talk about vibrators in mixed company?” Because, you know, the main reason why women want to have their own space is to discuss all those serious vibrator issues. And then, Alex goes on to show us how long its been since she got some vibrator advice when she adds, “I mean seriously, plug it in. What’s the problem?”

And I’m loving Bethenny who’s still going strong when she asks the camera, “Why are you plugging it in? Like, what era are you in?” OMG, I’m going to miss Bethenny.

Life became so much better when the extension cord was invented.

Over in Jill Land, the Zarins have decided that Allison should start an internship and they have arranged for her to work at Zarin fabrics. Which is probably a good choice because there’s not that high a demand for high maintenance teenagers in the work place.

On her first day, Jill tells Allison that she is going to work with Brad and maybe a little with Bobby so she can get a feel for what she’s going to be doing for twelve weeks. Brad is living proof that a gay husband’s work is never done. In addition to being Jill’s personal shopper, stylist and party planner, Brad is an interior decorator at Zarin Fabrics in charge of all the custom jobs that come in and Jill tells us that he’s phenomenal.

When Allison realizes that she’s expected to work for 3 months, she looks like she’s been sentenced to weeks on end of consecutive Brazilian bikini waxes. But Jill is firm and down to earth about Allison working and says, ” Somebody doesn’t just deposit money into your account without work. Allison needs to know how hard she’s going to need to work to maintain the lifestyle that she’s become accustomed to.” Which means that she needs to know how many hours each of those Brazilian bikini waxes are worth. My guess is that when Allison figures this out she’s going to decide to go for the wild and woolly look.

Allison’s first assignment is to learn how to use the phones and the intercom system. Allie tries the whining approach, “noooooo, I want to learn the fun things first.” But Brad’s testosterone is spiking and he’s not going to be pushed around by little Miss Allison. He puffs up his chest and lays down the law, telling her that she’s the intern so she can’t say no because those are the rules dammit. Then he turns little Miss Allie over to Zarin’s receptionist, one stern ass lady with fierce nails named Dawn. And it’s pretty clear that Dawn is going to school little Miss Allie’s ass, or she might if Allison wasn’t her bosses daughter.

This is the face of a woman who takes no crap.

Dawn starts to teach Allison the ins and out of the phone system and Allison is kind of staring at the phone all glassy eyed with a thin trickle of drool running down her chin. Dawn is having none of this and tells Allie flat out, “You may want to write this down.” Then Allison, who’s not the sharpest tool in the shed, asks which button is for the intercom. And Dawn, acting like the perfect straight man, answers, “This button that says intercom.”

With some obvious misgivings, Dawn goes to lunch, leaving the phones in Allison’s charge. Her final warning is that if she, Allison, doesn’t answer them after one ring, Bobby is going to come out and have her head.

Allison starts answering the phone and Jill and Brad decide to mess with her by calling her at the same time and giving her a hard time. This is apparently the funniest thing that has ever happened at Zarin Fabrics because Jill is laughing hard enough to spit soda back up through her nose. Allison, apparently unable to recognize Brad or her mother’s voice over the phone, does her best to cope, but like I said she’s not the sharpest tool…Jill tells us that a couple of times Allison hung up on her and sometimes she put Jill on hold and never came back. But to give Allison credit, it’s a hard phone system and she would need at least several years of graduate school to fully grasp it’s complexities.

Unknown to the Zarin family, a real life crisis is playing out at Alex and Simon’s abode. It turns out that Simon is leaving to go to Australia for 9 days because his stepfather passed away. First and foremost, Alex and Simon are parents and the death of a relative from cancer is clearly an ideal teachable moment for their four-year-old son, Frankie. So, we’re treated to an awkward scene of Simon explaining what it means to die from cancer. Simon tells Frankie that the cancer came very suddenly and it stopped his stepfather’s body from working. Of course, Frankie reasonably wants to know what cancer is. So, Simon tells him that, “it’s when the body’s cells start growing strangely.”

Most four-year-old kids have routine fears of the monsters hiding under their bed and things that go bump in the night. But in addition to the normal childhood fears, Frankie gets to have an early start as a hypochondriac, as he starts incessantly worrying about his body stopping. In defense of Simon, he doesn’t believe in speaking to Frankie like a kid. I mean God forbid you speak to a kid like a kid. However, Simon doesn’t want to speak to him like an adult either. Now for most people this would pose a quandary, but Simon is smarter than ‘most people’; he speaks to Frankie like a person. The really great thing about this approach is that it rules out years of child development research and you don’t have to worry about the concept of age appropriateness. Instead, Frankie just has a lot of what Simon calls “esoteric” knowledge.

And then they’re gonna put your body in a wooden box and nail it shut…

But really, the main drama here is that Alex and Simon are going to be separated for nine days and Alex is going to have to dress herself. Putting on a brave front, Alex tells us that she and Simon are very self-sufficient people. They don’t need each other; they just want each other. Constantly. Alex’s voice wavers pitifully before adding, “We can handle this.” Of course, if Alex and Simon plan on continuing to ascend the social ladder, they may have some unexpected challenges. According to the Count and Countess’s model of an ideal marriage, Alex and Simon should be living on different continents and flying back and forth to visit for the holidays.

Unfortunately, Frankie will be having a school evaluation while Simon is gone from home. But Alex is sure that she’s up to the task of managing this event saying a little less than confidently, that she’ll just make sure that he’s rested and hasn’t had a lot of sugar. Yay Alex. You’ve passed basic mothering 101.

Meanwhile, Jill and Bethenny are plotting another dinner, because the last one wasn’t a big enough disaster, so they want to have a ‘do-over’. Jill tells us that she and Bobby are known for entertaining and she’s thinking of having a dinner at the 21 club. She and Bethenny mull over the guest list, which is bizarre because you know that in the end everybody will have to be invited since this is the finale. Anyway, Jill is inviting Bethenny and Jason, the Countess and the Count and their kids because this dinner will be for families. Bethenny puts in a pitch for Ramona and Jill suggests inviting Alex and Simon. Bethenny maintains that the only reason for inviting Alex and Simon would be to do a do-over so Ramona can have a chance to redeem herself. And I’m thinking, hmmm, Bethenny’s really not a fan of Alex and Simon.

Jill’s not too thrilled about Ramona being invited saying, “I’m owed an apology.” But Bethenny is trying to be the diplomat so she gets on the phone to call Ramona. While Jill tells us that “Ramona runs hot and cold. You never know which Ramona you will get, Ramona or Rameana.” Sadly, and I’m being serious here, I think this is a pretty common description of bipolar personalities.

It is finally Bethenny’s dreaded birthday and to celebrate she decides to take Jill to the racetrack for lunch with a couple of her father’s cronies, Louis and Lee. We previously met Lee at the Unexpected Mexico Dinner when Bethenny spewed out her daddy hate and here he is again.

Now, I need to say that this scene has everything in it that personally makes me squirm; racism, sleazy men, more weird daddy stuff, but here goes…

So Bethenny, Jill, Lee and Louis are seated at a table when another gentlemen approaches and is introduced as Black Joe, the name apparently wittily derived from his skin color. Bethenny is all over this introducing herself as white Bethenny and Jill as Jewish Jill. Then she tells the camera “that’s totally perfect for the race track, an inappropriate racial slur. Let’s make him go do a betting errand and you know act like a big shot. There’s the race track in a nutshell.” Then to make the entire scene even more uncomfortable and creepy, Lee gives Bethenny a slinky black negligee as a birthday present. Jill and Bethenny are all like “Thank you. How sweet.” Then Bethenny tells the camera, “Totally inappropriate. It’s my father’s friend. It’s my birthday. I have a boyfriend and I’m opening up a black negligee. How do I rewind this tape put it back in the box and pretend it never happened?” Oh, Bethenny, how many times in my life have I wondered that exact same thing. But before I can think any more about it a short fat dude comes over and blows a horn at their table.

Is Horny Joe too inappropriate?

They decide to place some bets and they go outside to look at the horses. Bethenny is dressed all in black and wearing serious dominatrix black leather gloves, while Jill is wearing a coat, skirt and pumps all in a tasteful shade of orange, perfectly coordinated to match the jockey’s jerseys.

While they looked at the horses, Bethenny must have been feeling a little sentimental because she has an unusual compliment for her father telling us, “I never had a relationship with my father. He never sought one out, but I know enough to know that he’s the best in the world at what he does.” And then we get more from Jill about Bethenny being an orphaned waif, but I can’t really believe in the poor little match girl now that I know about the private school, so I’m thinking poor little rich girl.

The horse that they’re betting on belongs to Louis and was trained by Bethenny’s father and we get to watch the race, which I was hoping would be super exciting. Sadly, the horse loses and Jill is all like “I’m out $500 bucks” and Bethenny is all, “Oh, that’s alright.” LOL. Then everybody says sorry to Louis.

We leave the weird and creepy world of the horse racing to go visit with Ramona, which won’t be awkward at all because life with Ramona is always so well adjusted and normal. Ramona is going to visit her good friend and doctor/plastic surgeon. To make it all really social she’s bringing her really good friend Kathleen along, because she believes women should share. You know sharing things like secrets, beauty tips and painful medical procedures a close friend does make. Besides, Dr. Sharon has a new machine to make them look beautiful. So Dr. Sharon, MD is wearing a tight LOW cut black dress to work on her patients, which is totally bizarre and I’ve got to wonder if she wears stilettos and a g-string when she’s in surgery.

Sexist bastards won’t take me seriously.

Ramona tells her friend Kathleen that Dr. Sharon can make them look 18 forever and Dr. Sharon ahems a little and says, “well, maybe 29.” Ramona is also wearing the same dress that she went out dancing in the night of the Gotham bachelor event. It must be like her lucky dress.

Ramona is worrying about the upcoming dinner party with the rest of the housewives. Like any normal gal pal, she decides to explain the whole drama to Dr. Sharon and her good friend Kathleen just before Dr. Sharon is about to inject Kathleen with botox. After all, the camera pretty much assures that they’ll listen supportively. Kathleen is seated in the procedure chair with the Dr. standing next to her ready to proceed and both are watching Ramona tell her story with frozen smiles on their faces. Ramona winds up with a plaintive, yet hopeful, “And Jill will forgive me.” The Dr. and Kathleen both deeply moved by Ramona’s story give her a cursory nod before moving on to the painful botox procedure.

Dr. Sharon, still in her sexy low cut dress sans any sort of lab coat, starts injecting Kathleen and apparently this is a pretty painful procedure, but the good doctor tells her that if she could handle having kids then she can handle the injections. Ramona’s like “no way.” The pain of giving birth was so much for her that there was no way that she was having a second child which is a blessing in disguise since it limits the number of youngsters in the world who will need massive therapy.

After they finish the botox they move on to the magical Vela shape machine and IPL laser therapy. Ramona assures us that if women work at it on a timely regular basis they’ll look younger than their ‘chronicle’ age is. Ramona needs to stick to the two-syllable rule. After the procedure, Dr. Sharon, MD and the women all drink champagne in celebration of their eternal youth.

Meanwhile, in addition to her birthday lunch Bethenny’s also having a birthday dinner. The dinner starts off well with Jill giving Bethenny beautiful lingerie and Bethenny shares that Jason loves lingerie and she’ll be wearing it that night, which is a picture that I can do without. It also turns out that Bethenny re-gifted Lou’s negligee to Jill and as much as I love Jill I’m praying that they don’t show her in it. Bethenny shares the news that she and Jason have decided to move in together. And Jill starts playing momma Jill pushing Bethenny to see if she’s sure. I’m kind of expecting that Jill’s pushing is going to irritate Bethenny but she’s pretty confident about the decision.

The rest of the guests arrive consisting of Bobby, another couple and Jason. And Jill starts going over Bethenny’s birthday gifts. “Bethenny where’d you get those earrings? What else did you get? Tell me about the birthday; you got the earrings, you’re going away for the whole weekend, and what else beside this wonderful dinner? Are we still working on the watch?” I can kind of see how this is getting on Bethenny’s nerves, but she freaks out and tells Jill, “If you talk about another thing I’m going to take a fucking skewer and shove it in your eyeball.” And there’s a general “Holy shit” moment around the table. Followed by a Happy B-day toast with a clinking of glasses all around.

It’s my party and I can skewer you if I want to.

The Countess is all set up this week for a little damage control on her image and she’s determined to show that she cares about the serfs. So wearing a pretty spiffy outfit she sets out to spread good will and bonhomie over the Manhattan homeless. She informs us that as a Countess she has a certain set of responsibilities and she likes to do as much work as she can with certain charitable organizations. One of her favorites is the Soho partnership, which aims at taking homeless people off the street, and teaching them to be drug free and get jobs. So now we have an awkward merging of reality and Countess PR. Because, while she’s probably donated large amounts of money to this organization, it’s doubtful that she’s ever been involved with it’s day-to-day operations. For instance, she’s never before met the guy that’s been their director of operations for the last 6 years. On the other hand, the Countess is on a mission to show how caring she is. So, today’s the day that she’s going to meet him. And not only that, while the cameras are still around the Countess is going to do some volunteer work and help coach a recovering addict for a job interview, because the Countess is such an expert on employment practices. Even more importantly, the Countess is going to perform a real community service and make her stellar fashion sense available to the homeless.

The woman that the Countess gets to work with is a fairly young looking, African American woman named Karen, who’s both attractive and intelligent. This shocks the crap out of the Countess who says in surprise, “This doesn’t look like a drug person to me.” I’ve got to say that Karen must have been a bit of a facer for the Countess, drug people aren’t supposed to be as articulate and as gracious as a Countess you know. They go through a mock interview and the Countess actually makes a few intelligent suggestions and then the Countess is all psyched to do what she does best and help Karen choose the outfit for her interview. But again, the Countess is in for a facer telling us, “I was amazed when Karen walked back into the room because she really picked the perfect outfit.” Then to Karen, she says as a compliment, “You really got that Condoleezza Rice thing going.” And for the Countess’ sake I really hope Karen is a republican or that could have been really awkward.

I don’t know what it is about you that makes me think of Condi Rice…

At the end of the Countess’ foray into actual hands on charity work, she tells the moral of story, or at least the point of the scene, in case we missed it, “Being a Countess is not a job. Its actually an honor to have that title and to be able to help people.” Because you know there’s nobody out there helping people like those Countesses. It’s kind of like the highest level girls scout badge.

Back at Alex and Simon’s bedroom, Alex is getting Frankie ready for his evaluation with the child psychologist. When Alex interviews with the camera, it’s horrifyingly clear that Simon needs to be there to help with her makeup:

Barnum and Bailey have started renting out the back of milk cartons. Missing: Clown

And, after seeing Alex’s outfit, I’m all for getting Simon back from Australia toute suite. This woman is clearly not competent to dress herself.

The psychiatrist asks Frankie to name some various colors and shapes. And Frankie complains that the questions are too easy, thereby displaying early tendencies of developing into that precocious, bratty kid who always raises his hand first, looks down on the other kids, and develops kidney problems because if he uses the school bathrooms the other kids will beat the crap out of him. Our good doctor then pulls out a puzzle that involves fitting several shapes into their appropriate spaces and Frankie demonstrates some healthy passive aggression techniques in pretending to not understand until the doctor puts the puzzle aside, then he completes it easily saying, “I’m too smart for you.” It’s probably a good thing that Alex is out of the room because she would only have complicated things by trying to get Frankie to name the shapes in Latin.

Alex is no doubt listening at the door waiting for Frankie to sing twinkle, twinkle little star in six different languages as soon as the doctor asks for it. Instead he asks “What country do we live in?” and Frankie yells New York. What year are we in? I don’t know Frankie answers sadly. It’s a bitch when you’re prepped for the wrong test.

Alex tells us that she’s looking forward to seeing this report because she and Simon have always been about teaching. Alex has entered the room and Frankie is seated on her lap when the doctor asks him if he knows the alphabet and Alex’s response is a pompous “backward or forward?” Alex’s co-workers have got to hate her. They probably all drive around with those proud parent bumper stickers, “My kid can beat the crap out of your honor student.” We wind up the scene with Alex telling us for like the tenth time that she’s not worried about this evaluation.

Jill has forgiven Bethenny for the little incident of threatening to skewer her eyeball during her birthday dinner. As she says, “who could be mad” over such creepy little threats. So Bethenny takes Jill to check out a possible apartment for her and Jason to move into. The apartment is still under construction and the gentleman, who the screen tag informs us is a renowned real estate agent, offers to take them on a walk thru but they have to wear hard hats. Jill’s wearing a suede outfit consisting of a long coat and matching pants that must have taken at least an entire cow to make and she’s not thrilled about the exposure to the dirt and sawdust. Bethenny is all over the Jill’s clothes telling her that “Cher’s missing an outfit.” But Jill’s not seeing the humor in the situation she needs to pick up Allison at school and she’s impatient to get going. She grabs the blue prints out of the renowned real estate agents hands and tells him to go stand in the corner while she takes control of showing the apartment.

The face of a man who’s had his blueprints snipped off.

Then making me wonder if she didn’t manage to sneak off and take a quick shot of the latest designer meth amphetamine, Jill starts to tear through the apartment like a crack ho on a mission. She’s talking a mile a minute, waving her arms and trotting from room to room leaving Bethenny to follow in kind of a bemused state. In the end, Jill decides she likes the apartment and offers to come back with Bobby if Bethenny wants to look at it again. And Bethenny is kind of nodding and staring at her in shock, while Jill shifts back to her normal self from the crazy crack ho real estate agent she had morphed into. Jill tells he camera that people don’t realize that she has her real estate license and does real estate with Bobby all the time. She just doesn’t talk about it, which is wise because that’s a seriously scary side of Jill.

The night of the dinner party arrives and it is at club 21. Jill is wearing the dress we saw her purchase at Donald Deal’s studio. The Count is sadly not present because he’s on his way to Geneva. The Countess explains that they’re going to meet him in Europe and that she follows him wherever he goes so they usually spend Christmas and Easter in Europe. It’s almost like they’re not really married, more like a sophisticated arrangement with a long-term mistress that’s born his children. Alex and Simon show up with kids and Alex has seriously let us down with her clothing choice. All of the other woman are dressed to the hilt and Alex is wearing a cream colored linen pantsuit for Gods sake. All I can say is that Simon must have been suffering from some serious jet lag or this season has completely emptied out her wardrobe if this is the best she can do.

Bethenny warns Simon that Ramona’s coming. And Simon comes back with a witty repartee of “Who’s Ramona? Your date? Oh right. Am I allowed to be here tonight?”

Bethenny has decided that Ramona should have another chance and tries to smooth things over in advance by telling the rest of the gang, “Hopefully she shall redeem herself and you will not hate her; the little party leaver that she is.” I respect Bethenny for trying to help Ramona, but there are some people that need bigger interventions than even Dr. Phil can provide.

Ramona, being the train wreck that she is, is well over an hour late to show up for the dinner and of course, by the time she shows up, Jill is seriously seriously pissed and has this ‘you’re going to be sooooo grounded’ look on her face when she tells Ramona “You’re very late.”

Ramona apologizes profusely, but Jill’s not having it even resorting to Allison’s most frequent comeback of “whatever.” Then bizarrely Ramona tells us, “I know I’m a strong woman but you know what? She scares me sometimes.” And I want to reassure Ramona that she’s selling herself short. She just needs a little confidence. As far as being one scary, messed up hausenfrau, Ramona gets the vote hands down. There isn’t another person on the show that can begin to touch her.

Ramona’s hair is all done and she’s wearing an Easter egg pink, full-length sequined gown and she’s running around greeting everybody and explaining, “Seriously, I am a stickler for being on time. But I wanted to look glam, so I hired a makeup artist to do my hair and makeup and it took longer.”

Since they washed it, I can’t stop smelling it.

Now, Jill can’t afford to stay mad at Ramona because this is the finale that’s supposed to resolve these conflicts and beside if there’s going to be another season she’ll have plenty of time to work out her Ramona hate. So, Jill decides to let things slide when Ramona says nice about Jill’s dress.

The person I feel bad for is Avery, who’s seated with the other kids at a separate table. Avery tells Allison that her mom’s outfit is “very bling bling. It’s very cool.” And Allison sensing an opportunity to be a little schmuck asks Avery, “what do you think of your mom’s dress?” Avery answers honestly “I think it looks like a Barbie doll dress,” and Allison agrees. This is all the more heartbreaking because you know that Avery probably went to some serious lengths to try and convince her mother to wear something more restrained.

At the adult table, the conversation has turned to discussing the tragedy of Alex and Simon having been separated for 9 days. And like someone flipped her ‘on’ switch Ramona launches with a barrage of “Do you have to get permission from him to do anything?” questions aimed at Alex, while Bethenny announces to the camera, “This week on an all new Ramona tortures Alex for being co-dependant show.”

While Ramona is torturing their mother, Frankie and Johann have squatted under the table to play games. Apparently, Simon and Alex feel very comfortable with bringing their children to a dinner party and then forgetting about them, because you know kids that age are just so entertaining when they’re completely unsupervised. Frankie being tired and bored starts a charming new game that involves walking behind the other guests and screaming in their faces. This is way too much stimulus for Ramona, who does best in a soothing, quiet atmosphere with lots of rubber, and she starts freaking out with her eyes popping and her head swiveling back and forth, while she alternately pleads and scolds, “don’t you know you’re at a nice dinner party? My kids would never be able to do that. You’re hurting my ears sweet pea.”

Poster child for abstinence.

Frankie could care less about Ramona’s horror and he continues his march of terror. Finally, we see Alex heading in his direction. I don’t know maybe he was screaming in French so it was okay, but why the hell aren’t Simon and Alex at least taking him outside or telling him to sit his ass down. For that matter, this would have been the time to use that au pair they’re so proud of and leave the kiddies at home, because Frankie might be fluent in 12 languages but he’s a nightmare at a restaurant.

After things seem to calm down, Simon asks Mario the question that every husband lives to hear, “So did you hear how I met your wife?”

Mario cutting to the chase of the matter asks what only a really experienced husband could ask, “Was she nasty? I know how she can be.”

Whenever Simon tries diplomacy it’s almost comical because he invariably goes way to far over to the “I’m a good guy” side. Now in full diplomatic form he tells Mario, “She wasn’t nasty at all.”

Mario hasn’t lived with Ramona all these years for nothing and he’s not having it.

Finally, after some serious urging Simon comes partially clean saying, “Ramona was not the most…” WTF. I have no idea what he said next. I’ve replayed that tape a dozen times, pulled people off the street to listen to it and nobody knows. Points to anyone who can figure it out. It’s driving me nuts.

Ramona explains herself to Simon by way of a weird apology saying that sometimes she’s like a bull in a china shop and she needs to learn to edit her feelings. Bethenny nods like she’s been there, which she probably has, and sums up what Ramona’s trying to say with “Check yourself before you wreck yourself.” And since this is the last show of the season Simon says “I don’t bear grudges” and he and Ramona hug and make up.

Jason, still at that time gainfully employed, shows up to eat the $30 gourmet hamburger that Bethenny ordered for him. Shortly, after Bethenny looks down the table and notices that Jason’s not eating and asks if Jason isn’t hungry. And Jason uttering one of his few lines of the entire season says, “Well, the kangaroo is really hungry right now,” while dear little Frankie repeatedly stabs Jason’s burger with a toy plastic kangaroo and nobody does anything to stop him. A night with these two kids could go a long way toward reconciling Bethenny to a childless existence. But I have to say that Alex and Simon are truly the ones at fault here.

Ramona asks Simon, “So your children are allowed to play with food?” And without missing a beat Simon answers, “Absolutely.” You know, if Simon and Alex are sold on reality TV maybe they could do an episode of the Nanny. They need to do something quick because these kids aren’t going to stand a chance in life.

But while our hausenfrau are in a place of relative peace with each other, and before anything else can go wrong, we end with them all lined up, arms around each other toasting to the end of the season.

As the credits start to role, the editors give us some quick catch up information about each of the families and I’ll take a moment to recap it for you.

The Countess is currently writing a book on manners and etiquette and continues to visit the Count in Switzerland. Victoria is in boarding school in Connecticut and Noel has taken up skateboarding.

Frankie will attend one of the best public schools in Brooklyn and he and Johann can currently say something about an iguana in four different languages.

Ramona has started a skin care line to help woman look as fabulous as she does. Avery put acting on hold to focus on her studies and help her mother dress appropriately. As a last poignant moment as the evening ends, we are shown Avery pleading with her mother to try and be normal.

Bethenny has landed a multi book deal and is waiting to move in with Jason until they get engaged. There is no mention of his lawsuit.

Allison’s arthritis is under control and she’s helping other children with arthritis learn to cope. Jill and Allison visited an orphanage in the Dominican Republic with care packages and Jill and Bobby are taking a cruise.

We leave the ladies saying cheers and with the knowledge that Bravo has announced that the The Real Housewives of NYC will enjoy a second season; The Real Housewives of OC will enjoy a fourth season; and their will be a new Real Housewives of New Jersey coming on the horizon.

Until Next Season

Love you guys and I’ll see you at the reunion.

Yenta

PS Here’s a link to a recipe for Bethenny’s Skinny Margarita: http://www.bethennybakes.com/skinny_margarita.htm

***Note from the Editor: Last week, we posted the first chapter of Yenta’s novel, “Honor Among Thieves”, and this week it’s chapter two time. For those who missed it, both chapters are linked below. Check out Yenta’s new recaps of Viva Hollywood !for the next chapters! Thanks for reading! xo

“Honor Among Thieves” by YentaPatrol: Chapter One

“Honor Among Thieves” by YentaPatrol: Chapter Two