Real Housewives of NYC: The Count-ass Begins To Crack!!

Dear Gasmi,

I don’t know what it is about these women, but they definitely bring out my decadent side. I’ve got Ben and Jerry’s cookie dough ice cream swimming in Bailey’s with a mound of whipped cream on top. I’m guessing that none of those ingredients are in Bethenny’s Naturally Thin book, and you know what? I don’t care. I’m not on Reality TV. I don’t have to worry about my diet. I have the best job ever. I get to eat ice cream and laugh.

You got to get me out of here. There’s no ice cream. There’s no laughing. There are only cameras and Andy Cohen. It’s hell on earth.

So grab the most decadent munchies that you can find and take the leap…

This week our NYC hausenfrau are busy doing what middle-aged hausenfrau everywhere do; surfing that is. Cue the beach boys music. Seriously, all you 22 year old, West Coast, surfer dudes better watch out, cuz these New York mamas are right on your tails. Well, two of them at least. Countess Lulu and Bethenny are in the water doing their best to stand up on their surf boards, which is still a hell of a lot better than Simon did when he couldn’t even lay down on his board last week. JZ and Ramona are acting as the cheerleading/mother crowd, and my girl Bethenny pretty much nails it when she says that JZ showed up to look like Maude in a muumuu with $30,000 worth of jewelry on.

Okay, forget the Beach Boys music. As soon as I saw Countess Lulu flailing around on her board, the theme song for Sponge Bob Squarepants started playing in my head.

Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?

Absorbent and yellow and porous is he.

If nautical nonsense be somethin’ ya wish.

Then drop on the deck and flop like a fish.

Sponge Bob Square Pants

I think it was the “flop like a fish” part that caught my attention.

For the first time ever, Ramona and Jill are in complete agreement. All it took was the fear of being dumped into ice cold water with a board tied to their respective legs to bring them together. Crazy Eyes might not be into the whole surfing thing, but she’s happy to take a moment to strip down to her swimsuit and frolic in the waves. Girlfriend isn’t rocking the roid infused body of her Cosmo days, but she’s still pretty tight. JZ takes one look at Ramona’s body and actually considers doing some squats. Then considers a longer muumuu. I know just how she feels. I always think about the squats but it’s just so much easier to buy the muumuu, and then stop off for pie. I love pie.

The best thing about being a countess is that you never ever have to pay for anything. No, really. It’s in Lulu’s etiquette book under the “crap that bargain basement nobility get away with” section. Lulu says ‘luv ya; see ya; hugs and kisses’, and hops into her car leaving Bethenny with the check. From Bethenny’s pissed off rant, I’m not sure that she’s really understanding how honored she was just to have had the pleasure of the Countess’ company. Trust me, darling, there are people all over the world that would give up that which is near and dear to them just for the chance to frolic in the waves with the Countess. Anybody buying this? Anybody? Poor Lulu, it must be hard to be an aristocrat in a society that doesn’t believe in you. Kind of like poor Tinkerbell.

Come on clap for the wretched woman.

Enough of Lulu’s problems, there’s exciting news to share. Rosie’s coming home!!! Woohoo!! I love Rosie. Rosie is the housekeeper/nanny/beacon of sanity for the De Lessep household. And it’s looking like her return is coming just in time. Countess Lulu seems to be seriously cracking around the edges under the strain of coping with normal housewife responsibilities. I’m feeling for you Lulu. There’s no doubt, laundry’s a bitch. Count No Neck and the kids are as eager as Lulu to get Rosie back, and I’m guessing that the kids down at the pizza parlor are pretty happy too. No more drunk dials from that lady calling herself the Countess.

It’s amazing what a month away from the De Lessep family can do for a body. It looks like Rosie just spent a month in an exclusive spa and she’s sporting some major weight loss, lustrous hair, and glowing skin. I give it a week before life with the De Lesseps wipes it all away. Lulu wastes no time before telling Rosie how hard it was for her to try and do Rosie’s work; you know, the laundry thing again. Seriously, lady, stick the clothes in the washer, move them to the dryer, then fold them. It ain’t rocket science. Oh, but there’s more; there’s cardboard boxes that have to be broken down and recycled. God knows that recycling is totally beyond Lulu’s capabilities. You’ve got to wonder how this woman managed as a nurse. I think we can all be grateful that she’s moved on. Rosie kind of blinks at Lulu’s longwinded kvetching and hesitatingly asks if Lulu didn’t get anyone in to help her? Hell no, Lulu did it all by herself. Well, except for those girls that came in once a week to clean. But Lulu still had to cope with the laundry. Rosie rocks. Anybody else would have told the Countess to suck it by now, but Rosie knows just what to say to make Lulu smile. What Lulu wants to hear is how great she looks. Well, crap, it’s a damn good thing that Rosie did launch a little flattery in Lulu’s direction because the Countess is pretty damned quick to let Rosie know that she was waiting for her to say something nice. Not that Lulu disagrees, she thinks she’s looking pretty good too, especially after doing all of Rosie’s work for a month.

So kiss that vacation glow goodbye.

While Rosie readjusts to life as a cog in an aristrocratic household, Lulu, Jill and Ramona all meet up for lunch. At this point the sound of the Countess’ voice is pretty much irritating the crap out of me. Jill and Crazy Eyes’ weird truce seems to be holding and they trade the ‘I love you’ ‘but I love you and your dress’ ‘but I love you, your dress, and your hair’ frenemy compliments. Crazy Eyes is all excited because her husband took a break from stalking his next murder victim to win a national tennis match and improving his ranking to number three nationwide. If Mario ever gets arrested as a serial killer the newspapers are definitely making up a snazzy name for his case.

Game, set, murder.

It seems like the Countess and Ramona haven’t seen each other for a while because they have some catching up to do, and Jill’s able to eat in peace while they schmooze. Hey, Lulu’s daughter, Victoria, is going off to boarding school in the fall. Ramona’s eyes do a mini pop, while the voices in her head screech to a full stop before rising in a solid wave of dissent. It’s got to be hard for Crazy Eyes to sound moderate and reasonable when that many voices are screaming their opinions in her head. JZ’s eyes are going back and forth like she’s watching one of Mario’s tennis matches. Not one to bother with little things, like swallowing her food before she speaks, Lulu takes a moment to explain that boarding schools are a tradition in their particular branch of the nobility, and it’s not about her, it’s about what’s best for her child’s education. Adding for our benefit, with a snarky little smirk, that Ramona isn’t who she’d go to for advice on education anyway. You know, I’m thinking that Lulu needs to ditch the Count, pack on a few pounds, move to Jersey City, and start writing recaps.

It could happen.

Before these “ladies” can start throwing their food at each other and embarrassing the crap out of the maitre di, JZ intervenes and changes the subject to the arthritis benefit she’s planning for the end of the summer. She’s hoping that all of the hausenfrau will help with whatever aspect of the benefit best fits their talents. I’m thinking Alex is going to strip, Simon’s going to fall down drunk, Lulu’s going to be the bouncer, Ramona’s going to roam around talking to herself and Kelly is going to be meh. Sounds like the perfect season finale. Oh yeah, I forgot, Bethenny’s going to be busy serving up margaritas to the rest of the guests. Oops, we have a problem. It turns out that Ramona is planning her own benefit, so she may or may not be able to help out with JZ’s. Besides there’s no way in hell that Ramona is going to be part of anything that Silex is part of. Crazy Eyes doesn’t always get it right, but at this point in her life she’s pretty clear that there are real and not real people. The voices in her head? Those are real. Alex and Simon? Definitely unreal. And it’s not good to spend too much time talking to people who aren’t real, because then the doctors start geting nervous and asking her alot of questions. On the other hand, it turns out that Avery was just diagnosed with arthritis like Allie, which is just too weird. But then crazy eyes realizes that it would be even weirder if she didn’t help with a benefit for juvenile arthritis when her daughter is suffering from it.

Real people beat the hell out of hallucinations.

It’s time for a little sado masochistic voyeurism. Lulu bid on an item for a boot camp detox day and like any good sadistic friend she’s brought along JZ and Bethenny. Why do people do this to themelves? I don’t get it. My version of exercise is walking to Starbucks. And this isn’t just any boot camp. It’s a boot camp led by a truly, twisted, little man. Anyone who would design an exercise class to mix pilates, yoga, a 2 mile room, a 30 minute bike ride and a swim needs to stop teaching and start auditioning for Survivor. Lulu and Betheny are doing their best to hang with the class, but poor JZ’s behind them kvetching like mad and slowly dying. Still she’s doing better than I would. I’d be flat on my back laughing my ass off. Seriously, when I used to run, I’d bring chocolate along with me and everytime I made a quarter mile I’d give myself a piece.

Over at their discount rental, Silex is getting some discount spa treatments, as well. Way to live it up guys. I have to say that Gina, their masseuse/rental woman/tarot card reader, is getting her money’s worth in advertising this season. This segment is a little like an infommercial or the beginning of some weird porno flick. Silex are totally stressed because their weekend has been so frenetic; what with all that time on the public beach pining away for St. Barts. There’s no doubt that these movers and shakers are needing some TLC. Gina starts their spa treatment by shutting them in a sauna, and all the cameramen breathe a sigh of relief. Silence at last. But it’s not just the cameramen who are appreciating this arrangement. Simon’s pretty happy as well. He’s finally getting to experience what it would be like if he and Alex ever had hot sweaty sex. I completely apologize for any mental images.

Thats the expression I want my husband to have after spending time in the sauna with me.

Gina calls time and pulls Simon out of the sauna, leaving Alex behind in the hopes that she might actually loosen up a little. Simon is all about getting spa treatments because he’s been getting them for years. But, he wants us to remember, all those spa treatments/massages/immersions don’t make him gay.

Doesn’t make you straight either, boyfriend.

After being reassured that Gina’s paste isn’t going to heat up his no-no area, because God knows that none of us are ready for that, Simon submits to Gina’s tender ministrations. I have no idea what the hell she put on his body, but I could totally have done without the sight of Simon clad only in a towel, arching his back, and moaning like a rutting sea lion that he’s “feeling the heat…feeling the heat.”

Really? Bravo, you couldn’t keep that little clip to yourselves? You had to share it?

Leaving Simon to sleep off the excitement of the afternoon, Gina grabs Alex from the sauna and takes her outside by the pool. Alex is wound tighter than a chipmunk with OCD, and I’m not loving her laugh. It’s definitely in the high, squeaky, rodent category. Seriously, can somebody slip that women a quaalude? Anxious to showcase her other skills, Gina settles Alex on a couch and pulls out her tarot deck. Lucky Alex. According to Gina, she’s going to be coming into some property. I’m kind of wondering how determined Gina is to have her predictions come true. If any of Alex’s relatives suddenly die under suspicious circumstances, it’s going to be a toss up between Gina and Mario for the suspect.

While Simon and Alex are being pampered, Kelly, is getting ready to compete in the Hampton Classic. And, holy cow, it’s a damn good thing that Kelly got those implants because seeing her in her riding clothes is making one thing really clear; girlfriend is looking an awful lot like a boyfriend.

In case you ever wondered what happened to the fourth musketeer.

Anyhoo, it turns out that Kelly recently took a bad fall and was dragged by her horse. But there’s no way she’s going to miss the Hampton Classic, so she’s sucking up the pain and taking it like a man. Which is kind of too bad, because she totally bones her ride. That faceplant off the side of her horse had to hurt. If she’s going to take falls like that, it would help to have at least a little meat on her bones.

Oh, look! Countess Lulu, a gaggle of teens, and nary a nanny in site. Wow, Lulu’s actually going to wing some parental responsibility all by her lonesome. You know she’s going to need some serious vacation time after this segment. In honor of her daughter’s imminent departure to boarding school, Lulu is throwing a lunch at the Hampton Classic for Victoria and her friends. Awww that’s kind of sweet. Or it would be, if the theme of the lunch wasn’t publicity for Countess Lulu’s etiquette book. Wow, those girls just look thrilled to the gills to be there. What teenage girl wouldn’t want to spend an afternoon being lectured on table manners? But it’s not just about the teens. Parents pay attention now, because Lulu is warning us that people will see right away if our children have manners and those manners are going to say alot about “from where they come”. Grammatical conventions of course say nothing. Lulu sure has grasped the subtleties of social interaction on a whole new level. Who would have thunk that elbows shouldn’t go on tables and that napkins should go on the lap. I’m telling you, this is mind bending stuff. Here’s to hoping that Lulu chugalugs some more champagne and livens things up a bit, because these girls are bored. On the other hand, the Countess’ strategy for dealing with teenagers is impressive. Personally, I’ve always found that bitchy sarcasm is the way to go with teenagers, or people in general, so her response of “Stop me if I’m telling you something you already know,” is brilliant. She should really try this approach with the teenagers in my neighborhood, and by all means make sure cameras are on hand to catch the witty repartee that would ensue.

I’m totally amazed by how well behaved those girls are. Especially the young lady who asks if you should cut your chicken up all at once, or in little bits as you go. Because Countess or not, I can think of a few kids who might not appreciate having their questions mocked and laughed at. I’m also thinking that my husband isn’t really appreciating the chunks of cookie dough that are sticking to the TV screen. Sorry, honey, the Countess has that affect on me. Sadly, she’s still on my screen dispensing her wisdom. How to avoid the faux pas of leaving too much food on your plate? Eat a tiny amount of the food you don’t like and then stuff your face with bread so nobody thinks you have an eating disorder. Stupidest. Answer. Ever.

What? It was a hard question.

In a timely fashion, Lulu takes a moment to recount the history of the knife, and how it was made in 1776 to deter diners from stabbing each other with it. All eight girls look wistfully at their own cutlery. Probably, pining for an earlier, less restrained day when stabbing a windbag, pompous count-ass would have been just another day in the dining hall. But, wait, before I prejudge, Lulu is sharing her biggest pet peeve; subjects who chew with their mouths open. You know, like her daughter. You’ve got to love the fact that the only person that’s had a food accident is our etiquette expert extraordinaire, Count-ass Lulu, who’s sporting some spilled food on her frock. Next time, maybe they’ll give her a bib.

The spa treatments are over and it’s time for the Van Kempens and their urchins to pack up and return to the city. Little Frankie is busying himself by gathering up mommy’s undergarments. Clutching a fistful of bras he toddles over to the open suitcase and announces that “these are mommy’s”. In most families that would probably go without saying, so I’ve got to wonder what Simon’s bras look like. The Van Kempens are happy to declare their vacation a success and Simon is especially pleased that they made up with JZ. After all, JZ seems to be the only housewife interested in socializing with them, so they damn well better not burn that bridge. But we shouldn’t think that Silex is desperate for social connections. Nope, they’ve got an exciting life of their own to get back to, starting with their bargain basement awesome vacation in off season St. Barts.

It’s kind of wrenching to say goodbye to Gina’s discount rental.

Tonight is the Hampton Tea Dance, which has the honor of being the gay event of the season. So, JZ and Bethenny are visiting the salon to prep for all the beautiful boys. Good Lord, where does Brad buy his clothes? He comes waltzing into the salon looking like an escaped ventriloquists doll.

I’m just saying

It’s time for the main event and surprise, surprise, Countess Lulu is gracing the party with her presence. As Bethenny says, Lulu’s rocking her “fag hag outfit”, and you just know that she’s dying for one of the men to tell her that she’s fabulous. Not going to happen. At least not while she’s delivering monologues on the historical significance of the event.

I’ve known gay men who are undoubtedly channelling the spirits of great movie stars, but watching Brad on the dance floor I can’t help thinking that he’s in a whole other league.

And I can’t help loving him for it.

But before I can focus too much on Brad, I’m totally distracted by Bethenny turning and dropping for the hot gay man she’s dancing with. Darling you can wave your tuchus as much as you want, but as long as he’s laughing, ain’t nothing happening.

Kelly’s at her second Hampton Classic event and this time she’s determined to stick her horse. After that embarrassing and very public spill she took, I totally understand her decision to pour copious amounts of crazy glue over the saddle. That stuff dries super fast so you can’t really blame her for blowing past the hooker waving at her outside of the tent.

Oops, not a hooker.

It seems like Kelly’s kind of confused by Ramona’s outfit as well. What with the hat, the shades, the short shorts, and the stripper heels, it’s kind of hard to recognize her. A lesser woman than Ramona probably would have been offended and left. But Ramona’s got the benefit of a thousand voices reassuring her that Kelly is going to be her new BFF, and she just needs to chill out. Crazy Eyes approaches Kelly again when she’s standing by the fence with her coach and gets shut down a second time. Poor Crazy Eyes, but she’s got to understand that Kelly’s in her pre-race zone and that glue’s drying really fast. Safely affixed to her saddle, Kelly rides into the ring and gives her horse his head. It’s a great ride and everybody’s happy. I’m sure there’s a life lesson in there that’s all very zen-like and go with the flowish. But whatev, the Kellman is in a much better mood when she dismounts and all happy to see that Crazy eyes is waiting for her. Young friendship is so touching, so wonderful, but, alas, not all hearts are pure. While Ramona only has eyes for the Kellman, Kelly has eyes for every hunk of beefcake that strolls by. Sure enough, when she sees a particularly tender looking hunk of meat, Kelly drops Ramona like a hot coal, leaving her high and dry in mid-sentence, and runs out to cop a quick feel. Oh crap, don’t tell me that Ramona is working on her own etiquette book. Whatever the other wives do, Crazy Eyes always seems to be on a mission to prove she can do it better, whether it’s tennis, benefits, or now etiquette lessons. Instead of just kvetching that Kelly completely dissed her, Ramona is all about explaining that a lady waits inside for the gentleman to come over to her. Personally, I’m thinking that depends on whether your a slut or a whore. When your dressed like a hooker the men will probably approach you, but when you’re a slut dressed like d’ Artagnan you’ve got to run out and grab it.

I’m just flat out, green-eyed, jealous over the next event. All of our hausenfrau, sans Silex and Kelly, are attending Russell Simmons’ fabulous Art for Life party. I’m telling you, it looks totally amazing. Jill and Bobby show up with color coordinated purple outfits because the invite said that the theme was purple. Uh oh, the other hausenfrau are rocking whatever color took their fancy back at their houses. I don’t get Countess Lulu choosing a white dress over purple. After all, purple is supposed be the color of royalty, but maybe Lulu’s going for the whole virginal thing. I’ve got to cut Crazy Eyes some slack on this one because she’s, you know, crazy.

Finally, other people can hear the trees talking.

Does everyone remember last season’s infamous tennis match, between JZ and Crazy Eyes? Despite Crazy Eye’s bringing in a ringer to be her partner, she ended up getting spanked in front of an audience by JZ and Lulu? Well, surprise, surprise, Ramona’s nationally ranked, tennis playing, serial killer husband, Mario, wants JZ to play them in a couple’s match. You know, for a homicidal maniac, Mario’s kind of a sweet guy. He’s even offering to pick out JZ’s partner for the the couple’s match. Actually, he’s almost insisting on it in a kind of obsessive creepy way, but that’s not too surprising considering his proclivities. JZ is like, ‘hell no. You kill girls and bury them in some alley. I’m not trusting you to give me a partner’. Ramona spews a little drivel about JZ not trusting because JZ’s not trustworthy. But, before Mario can shove a young tennis player of his choice down JZ’s throat, Lulu points out that they’re auctioning off tennis with Serena Williams and if JZ gets lucky it could solve the entire problem.

You would think that Mario would be able to contain some of Crazy Eyes larger social blunders. Sadly not so much. One thing that’s abundantly clear is that Ramona should never be allowed around cameras and disabled individuals at the same time. On the other hand, I’m pretty sure that she made an indelible impression on Governor Patterson when she asked, “You’re like blind right?” and proceeded to debate if she was more blind without her glasses on.

“I wanted to die.”

The Hampton Classic is still going on and Kelly is still there, but this time she’s looking much more female and displaying her grapefruit halves with a tight t-shirt. Allie’s back from from France and has come along with JZ and Bethenny to watch Victoria compete. It seems like Bethenny isn’t a Kelly fan, but no surprise there. Somehow I didn’t really expect them to get along. The Countess is giving a not so polite imitation of Ramona in her hooker clothes. Come on Lulu let that inner bitch out. You’ll be so much happier afterwards and I’m sure Flipit will give you a job. Countess Lulu would be an awesome name for a recapper. But where the hell is Count No Neck? Victoria’s going into the ring. Lulu’s obsessively dialing and still no Count. Victoria’s horse refuses a jump, twice, and I feel so bad for her. She’s dismissed from the ring and boy that’s got to suck. On her way over to console Victoria, Lulu finally reaches the Count, and girlfriend is one pissed off Count-ass. Seriously, Lulu is busting out. Count No Neck better school himself and get his aristocratic tuchess down to the stables where it belongs. Kelly totally sympathises with the Countess commiserating that if No Neck was her husband she’d kill him. Lulu points out that since Kelly’s divorced she doesn’t have to worry about dealing with men anymore. Then unable to restrain her inner woman any longer adds a trenchant, “Lucky bitch”. LOL.

Well, that’s all folks. It kind of feels like this season is slowly gathering steam for some pretty nasty showdowns between Crazy Eyes and everybody else. I hope all of you are at least seeing hints of spring, and getting ready to enjoy massive frappuccinos. I can’t wait!! Woohoo!! Clearly, I need to move somewhere warm.

Love you guys.

Hugs,

Yenta

***To read Chapter Ten of Yenta’s novel, The Traveling Prayer, click here!