Hey There Gasmii:

Yowza! We’re back in Manhattan (spacevenus the “a” is for you) and we’re in for a rollicking good time at Fashion Week. This week Simon gives new meaning to the words “I’m not gay”; Christian Sirriano makes a guest appearance in the role of Jill’s mom; I start to fall in love with Bethany; and Ramona searches for her cross.

I Know I Put It There


So pour out your Bailey’s and hop on board the train wreck that just keeps giving; The Real Housewives of NYC.

This week we start with the Countess just arriving back at her townhouse from the Hamptons and “OMG the plants are dying” and “OMG it’s hot.” The Countess is not happy as she directs her troops. Standing on the sidewalk, in an amazingly unwrinkled, full-length sun dress with a slit up the front, the Countess gives us a demure impression of Paris Hilton flashing her vajayjay on the red carpet.

I See Paris, I See France…


The Countess, who as we know is not one to waste her charm on the hired help, directs Roseanna to bring her luggage up to her room. Then in the voice she would use when giving directions to the village idiot, the Countess calls Roseanna into Victoria’s room to look at her daughter’s closet. “Let’s take a picture,” she suggests helpfully. “See how neat it is and clean, that’s how I want it to stay.”

The Face of a Happy Employee


Meanwhile, Jill and her “gay husband,” Brad, take Allison shopping. Brad, Jill tells us, is every woman’s accessory. But, ugh! Her accessory is dressed like Brett Michaels at a ROL elimination; pointy toed boots and all.

Allison is her usual pouty spoiled self and argues with her mother about whether she’s getting back to school clothes or a dress for the Seventeen party that night. Turning to go back into the dressing room to try on more horrifically expensive dresses, Allison says about Jill, “I hate her”. And I’m surprised to find myself yelling at the TV “you must be F-ing kidding me. Take the little brat home and ground her ass.”

At the end, Jill exhausted by the arguing, puts down piles of cash plus her credit card saying that Allison, “got whatever she wanted, I got tired.” You know, I’d really like to see this kid have to work one of the booths on the boardwalk at Coney Island during a really hot summer.

So, the Countess and Victoria are getting dressed for the Seventeen party that night where they are going to meet Jill and Allison. I have to say that Victoria seems like a really nice, young girl. In honor of the occasion, the Countess’ hair is actually styled and doesn’t look like she’s in the process of growing out a bad haircut. Victoria looks lovely; the Countess has opted to wear a tunic of bright green sequins.

Gay Astro Turf


At the Seventeen party, Allison and Victoria make small talk, while Jill and the Countess hang out. Victoria seems poised, Allison not so much.

There’s Probably a Bathroom Joke Here


Alex and Simon are also home from their vacation and Bethany has invited Alex to a Pamela Rollins fashion show. Oddly, Simon has invited himself along. Now, here’s my theory, Alex, hearing that “gay husbands” are every woman’s accessory failed to understand that the husband part of the title was honorary. My friend Burt’s theory is that Alex is really a tranny drag queen. I didn’t see it at first, but after he suggested it, I took a closer look and I’m coming around to his idea.

Can You Make My Adam’s Apple Look Smaller?


Anyhoo, after inviting himself along, Simon sets about picking out his “wife’s” clothes for the show. “How about this?” he asks waving a pale blouse. His wife thinks his choice might be perfect since it’s by a Hungarian designer that nobody knows. Simon nods and squints at the tag to get the designer’s name. Frowning in concentration, he sounds out “Sac Veh,” followed by, “Oh, that’s dry cleaning instructions.”

These two are just too good to be real. For a little note of general gossip, a poster on another forum claims to be the neighbor of these two in Brooklyn. Apparently, the French au pair has never been seen, only a large Jamaican woman, which could explain Francois’ apparent inability to comprehend and/or speak French.

And just when you’ve been wondering what happened to the social diva of reality TV train wrecks, we’re taken to breakfast at Ramona’s house. During the week, Mario and Avery breakfast together, while Ramona sleeps. Ramona tells us that Mario gets up really early to have breakfast with Avery every morning and drive her to school. Thank providence that this poor kid has at least one good steady parent.

Ramona, who is a firm believer in making her own money in case something goes wrong in a relationship, likes to sleep in and get to her office at a leisurely 9:30 or 10:00 in the morning. So besides designing large clunky crosses for her husband’s religious article business, Ramona also buys clothes at a discount and resells them to stores.

We next have a little nothing clip of Alex having a really bad hair day as she and Simon get Francois ready for his first day of school. Has anybody else noticed that Alex’ hair is looking progressively more fried, like it might actually start breaking off if she ran a comb through it?

Do You Think the Carpet Matches the Drapes?


Simon bitches about the competition for spots in NYC schools and that the school that Francois finally got into was 16th on their list of choices. Seriously, this guy sounds so pompous and pretentious that it’s hard for me to sympathize with anything he has to say.

As you may recall, Bethany had invited Alex to Pamela Rollin’s fashion show. Since Bethany was being dressed by Pamela Rollins she invited Alex to have Pamela Rollins dress her as well. When Alex arrives, Bethany is sitting Indian style in a chair while her makeup and hair are worked on. I have to say that up to now, I have not been a big Bethany fan, but watching her interact with Alex made fall just a little bit in love with her.

Bethany asks what Alex did over the weekend and Alex responds that they took Francois and Johann to a music school open house. Alex and Simon are debating when to start Francois in violin, but she doesn’t know if it’s going to be this year or next year.

Bethany just starts razzing Alex in general, including naming her kids Francois and Johann. In response, Alex tells her a little snippily that; “I have learned that you can get away with anything if there’s a family precedent. Francois is his grandfather’s name.”

Bethany comes back with, “Well it’s not like your naming them Phineas and Hazel.” LMAO.

The plan is for Bethany to introduce Alex, and now Simon, to Jill, whom she says is “like drinking 5 energy drinks, then getting shot out of a cannon, and then having a cup of coffee.” But in a softer voice that makes me think that she really likes Jill, Bethany adds, “She’s nice though, she’s generous. She’s a good girl.”

Alex nodding and not paying attention tells her, “Wait hold on, I’m just getting a text from husband about whether he should wear light or dark boots.”

And Bethany gives us the line that made me love her: “OMG, tell him that he’s having a deep-seated homosexual crisis and he should just go with his instinct.” Bethany, I am officially sorry for any snarky comments that I’ve made.

Simon is waiting for Bethany and Alex on the street corner and the first shot of him that the editors give us are of his dark boots. “I made it,” he tells them, like the show couldn’t go on without him. Simon is then shown talking to the camera and telling us, “Listen people shouldn’t get confused. Just because I like clothes doesn’t make me gay, does it?” I don’t know Simon, your possibly transsexual “wife” might take care of that detail for you. Or are you still considered gay, if your partner is no longer the same sex that you are? I get confused on these fine points.

Bethany introduces Jill to Alex and Simon. Jill is a little surprised to see Simon at the fashion show, telling us, “Simon was with her which was a little unusual. I don’t usually see a lot of husbands at the show.”

Of course, Simon spews out a pretentious fountain of drivel about traveling around the world once a month in his former job trying to impress Jill. Jill is not impressed, but still nice about having to listen to him, telling the camera that she thinks, “they were a little nervous and that nervousness may have come off as trying too hard.”

So, Jill, Bethany and Alex take their seats in the front row while Simon sits behind them. Because, hey, he invited himself and there weren’t enough seats reserved. If there is anything to be learned from this episode, it’s that there is a major distinction between the people that sit in the front row and the raff and scraff that are forced to sit behind them. The front row even gets cute little gift bags. Simon, panicked that his wife might be moving up without him, is literally standing behind her clutching her shoulders as he massages them.

I’m Still Here


I kind of feel bad for the guy. I mean sooner or later, tranny or not, Alex is going to find some richer, smarter guy to help her up the social food chain, but she’ll probably keep Simon around as her butler.

Bethany’s boyfriend Jason joins them for a drink after the fashion show. How can you not like this guy? He’s just such a cutey. And now that I’m falling a little in love with Bethany, I’m really hoping these two work out.

Anyway, we’re treated to more of Simon spewing that getting Francois into private school is harder than getting into Harvard. Luckily, Jill’s friend owns a school on the lower east side and she’s willing to set up a meeting for them.

Ramona has a new plan for Avery and we go back to them as they’re being driven to meet with the president of the children’s division for the Wilhelmina modeling agency. Ramona calls the woman Marlena and has to be corrected by Avery, who points out that the woman’s name is really Marlene.

Ramona is the perfect stereotype of a stage mother. Avery seems less than enthusiastic in the car as her mother holds up her head shots. Ramona worried that Avery will be boring in her present unenthused state barks at her, “Personality plus self, wake up. When we’re in with Marlene you have to act animated.”

Marlene gives Avery a script where she gets to say, “This is a tomato,” followed by what you can do with a tomato on a hamburger.

“That was fabulous,” Marlene tells her enthusiastically.

Everybody agrees that Avery is wonderful and that acting is definitely something Avery should pursue, except that Avery is still looking unsure.

On a practical note, Marlene asks if Avery’s school would allow her to go on auditions in the middle of the day.

“I think school will be flexible,” Ramona answers, while Avery shakes her head in a decided “no way”.

Ramona blinded by images of owning a child star tells her that she’ll talk to the school and handle it.

Avery points out that she doesn’t want to make up schoolwork, but Ramona shuts her down. It must be very hard for Avery and Mario to raise a self-willed perpetual adolescent like Ramona.

Luckily, before I can get too disgusted, we return to my girl Bethany who brings Jill and her “gay accessory,” Brad, to Ginny Hilfiger’s show. Brad has decided to wear a pink hat, thereby topping the “ugh” factor of his earlier outfit. This guy is definitely annoying. It’s like he’s trying to be the new Queer Eye Carson, except that he’s not. While Brad floats around the room issuing orders and chanting, “I love, love, love, love, love this.” Bethany tells us that, “Brad is so over the top if you looked up token gay friend in the dictionary there would be a picture of Brad.”

Token Gay Friend


We have a short flash back to Ramona’s home where she is plying Mario with wine and telling him about Avery’s up and coming acting career. Mario reasonably points out that Avery already has a full schedule, but Ramona believes that things can always be worked out. Mario drinks a little more wine and fantasizes about a divorce settlement that would allow him to keep his religious article business.

Jill’s mom has flown up from Florida and, OMG, she looks so much like Christian Sirriano. And, what are they going to do, but go critique the clothes at Donald Deal’s studio. I mean this woman can’t be for real. It’s got to be joke by the editors.

I’m Fierce


In the car, Jill confides to her mom about the Ramona conflict in the Hamptons, and she wants to know how to handle herself at the Luca Luca fashion show. Mom/Christian gives good advice, saying to be polite and reserved. Then the scene dissolves into a complete farce as Mom/Christian clutches a tissue to her nose and says, “I can’t take the smell.” What smell? NY? Gas? Dead bodies in the trunk?

“I’m sorry it’s my shampoo,” Jill tells her.

Still clutching the tissue to her face Mom/Christian gasps, “It’s killing me. I can’t do it.”

You’re Killing Me


Jill and Mom/Christian survive and arrive at Donald Steals studio, where, true to Project Runway form, Mom/Christian manages to completely piss him off. Jill’s stated fashion problem is her breasts. Or as she puts it, “we all have natural boobs. When you buy them you want to show them off, but when you’re born with them you want to hide them.”

Mom/Christian hates the clothes and we’re treated to a retinue of, “It doesn’t work. Oh, that’s so busy.” Followed by head shakes with pursed lips and scary eyes, while Donald looks like he’s about to collapse into a hysterical hot mess.

Nina Would Have Been Gentler With Me


In the end they finally find a dress, that everybody pronounces to be lovely. But, if the object was to hide her boobs, I’m not so sure; they look like a pair of glitter covered hot air balloons threatening to float off with her.

The Countess, who we’ve seen remarkably little of this episode, meets up with Ramona for the Alice and Olivia fashion show. This is actually a pretty cool show. It’s held at their storefront and models are dispersed around the room, posed in various installations or walking around.

After some initial howdy do type stuff Ramona starts telling the Countess about Avery’s up and coming acting career. Then, standing not three feet away from several young models, Ramona comments that she wants Avery to do acting instead of just modeling, because in modeling you’re not using your brains so much.

It takes a moment, but Ramona finally registers that she made a social blunder, which she promptly makes worse in her frenetic attempts to apologize. Just as she’s feeling less embarrassed the Countess explains that she used to model too. Now, Ramona is realizing the full extent of her social gaff and we have a shot of her wisely telling the camera, “You’ve got to be careful about what you say, but then I could never say anything.” It’s possible that after this show finishes airing, her husband will force her to take a vow of silence.

For the Countess’ part, she tells the camera that, “the meeting with Ramona at the fashion show did weaken a bit the friendship because I was embarrassed and uncomfortable.” Well, no surprise there, Ramona is embarrassing and uncomfortable just to watch, I can’t imagine hanging out with her.

Jill, who actually strikes me as intelligent, offers this prize line as she goes off to the Luca Luca fashion show, “a lot of thought that goes into fashion week. First you have to know what you’re going to wear and then you have to know where you’re sitting.”

At the show, Jill and Brad meet up with Ramona and what I can only describe as a reluctant friend. Ramona and friend explain that they’re wearing the designers clothes, which don’t look awesome and Jill commenting on their color says, “I guess it’s all about being gray.” Following Mom/Christian’s advice, Jill is gracious before she and Brad pass on their way to find their seats. And, horrors, they are actually seated behind Ramona in the second row. Now, we have all been educated that the second row is like being seated in the pit and we know that our Jill is no pit-lady. So, she’s outta there.

Ramona and her friend take their seats, while her friend literally turns her body away from Ramona and looks anywhere but at her. It’s like she’s desperately trying to ignore her while Ramona rambles on about Jill walking out.

If I Don’t Look Up, Maybe She’ll Leave


Brad flustered by the situation and apparently panicked that Jill will morph into a wild animal implores, “Don’t get aggressive.”

I’m just saying…


As they make their escape, we’re told by him, “Fashion week, I’m done. It’s over, no more shows.”

But Ramona, telling the camera that she doesn’t think that Jill’s leaving was elegant or classy has the final word. Jill, she tells us, “insulted Luca Luca!”

Until next week, when we get to open a new bottle of Bailey’s and watch the Countess pick lice off her children’s heads. Yowza! Yowza!