Real Housewives of NYC: Got Fertilizer?

Dear Gasmi,

This is it! Woohoo! Part 1 of our reunion episode. I’ve got my yummy Frangelico Hazelnut cupcakes (shouts out to FloOky!!) and I’m ready to go.

Let’s rumble!

The reunion is being held at Cipriani Wall Street; the former home of both the New York Stock Exchange and the headquarters of the National City Bank. It kind of makes me long for last year’s reunion setting of the Russian Tea Room, but that was back when these women still had some pretensions to elegance and class. I think Bravo’s pretty much given up on that angle and is just going with what these women do have: money. After all, screaming, eye-popping, finger pointing, vaj flashing women just don’t quite fit with the general ambience and decor of the Russian Tea Room. On the other hand, with the exception of the vaj flashing, I can see all of the above being an everyday occurrence on the floor of the New York Stock Exchange.

I want my fucking tea and I want it now!!

Miss Thang has his cue cards at the ready and he’s practically bouncing up and down with excitement. I’ve got to say that Andy’s looking like the last few months have been a little rough. His hair’s a bit grayer and his cheeks are definitely a bit rounder. I totally sympathize with the problem. There’s no doubt in my mind that this show leads directly to all sorts of emotional knoshing.

Is that why you sent me your book?

Per the required hausenfrau reunion format, Miss Thang greets each woman in turn. The Diva, Lady B, and Lulu have commandeered the couch on his right, while Crazy Eyes, Leather, and Alex have commandeered the couch on Miss Thang’s left. I’m not sure what The Diva and Bethenny had in mind when they dressed for this event, but I’m guessing that Brad had a hand in it somewhere. The Diva’s eyeliner is possibly appropriate for the stage at the Met, if she was starring in a production of Madame Butterly.

♫Nothing positive can come out of this♫
♫Said Madame Butterfly with her last kiss♫
♫And what you never had you won’t really miss♫
♫And nothing really matters, no not even this♫

Lady B is wearing a spiffy, green, lace dress, only slightly longer than her pubes. Seriously, that woman is definitely wearing panties or she’s gone Brazilian.

You know that her skin is going to make an awful ripping sound when she finally pulls it off of that leather, and she’s going to have to walk around with a red hiny region.

Lulu has intensified her bronzer/spray tan regime, perhaps in an effort to compete with Leather for that trendy orange glow. Alex is looking good, if a little bit on the thin side.

Seriously, you shouldn’t be able to braid someone’s legs.

Leather is wearing a dress that mercifully covers her knees and confines her breasts. Dare I say it? Is it possible that she’s discovered the concept of a bra?

You can make me contain them, but you’ll never squelch their spirit.

Crazy Eyes is looking pretty excited, and you know she has to be making Miss Thang nervous. I’ll bet anything that he’s sneaking her some Pinot Grigio in hopes of getting her drunk enough to do something really embarrassing, like exposing herself.

He totally looks like he just saw a mouse crawl out from under her skirt.

All of the hausenfrau, except Crazy Eyes, have been in the media this season, mostly for drama outside of the show. But no matter, everything and anything are fair game for Miss Thang at the reunion and he jumps right in. He confirms that the Diva’s breasts went from a 32G to a 32DD and poor Bobby isn’t even allowed to diddle there. Honestly, for a gay man, Miss Thang is seriously obsessed with breasts. As far as Lady B goes, she’s totally grateful for her best selling book and the opportunity to make Leather look like she wants to vomit. No she is not seeing A-Rod, or maybe she is. After all, giving a clear answer might stem the interest in her love life. But she will say that she is seeing someone who’s more special than the rest, but she won’t say who. I’m so praying that she’s seeing Madonna, and that whole A-Rod thing was just a cover for them. Wouldn’t that be awesome? They could buy a whole orphanage of children together and Bethenny would never have to worry about her aging uterus again.

Poor Lulu was dumped via e-mail by her husband of 16 years for an Ethiopian Princess. At least that’s what’s being reported in the press, but Lulu has her doubts. After all, if there’s anything Lulu’s learned during her years as Countess De Lesseps, it’s how questionable titles get foisted on society. Lulu is thinking more along the lines that the Count’s camp leaked the story to the press because somehow that would make his mistress more acceptable than if she was just an ordinary Ethiopian woman. *Head slap* OMFG who thinks like this? God forbid the Count take up with an ordinary Ethiopian woman, that’s almost as bad as taking up with an ordinary girl from Connecticut. Or did the Count tell everbody that Lulu was a native American princess before she married him? You know, just to make her more acceptable.

I totally belong at the Russian Tea Room.

I really, really hope that Lulu’s kids don’t watch this episode. Whatever happened between their parents, it can’t be good for them to see their mother spewing this stuff on TV.

Alex is super excited. After getting canned from her job, she’s had two fabulous long-term consulting opportunities come her way. Now she and Simon will totally be able to finish paying for their renovation and still go to St. Barts on the off season.

Andy turns to Leather and acknowledges her with an evil grin saying “Kelly Bensimon”. Leather’s lips momentarily thin as if an unpleasant smell wafted in her direction and she corrects him, “Kelly Killoren Bensimon.” Well done. It’s always a good idea to correct the man that’s about to pillory you.

Aren’t you special?

Miss Andy brings up the whole beating up her boyfriend thing, comparing it to a reverse Chris Brown/Rianna situation. Oddly, this comparison doesn’t seem to bother Leather too much, probably because she’s happy any time she’s compared to somebody totally famous. Imelda Marcos? Great!! Lizzie Borden? Not so much. After all, she was kind of a d-list celebrity.

Which show was she on?

Leather gets right down to business and tells Andy “the facts are this”. Go Columbia! I just love her Ivy League grasp of the English language. Anyway, her story is that of a boy toy turned nasty. And who did she go to for advice? Why the Diva, of course. That is before she was possessed by evil spirits and was still JZ. JZ told her to get rid of the abusive boy toy. Great advice, but what I want to know is who told her to hire an escort for the season? And why nobody is bringing that up?

Anyhoo, it all boils down to Leather never, ever beating “touching” anyone unless she has to. And, now, her name (insert tearless sniffle), the name she has built since her childhood, (insert another tearless sniffle) has been sullied.

Leather’s face kind of crumples and she works really hard to squeeze out at least one tear, while the rest of the hausenfrau stare blankly at her. Finally, the Diva commands the PAs to get a tissue for the woman, which would have been really helpful if Leather had actually been crying. As it is, she just uses it as the ultimate fuck you to Bethenny. You know Lady B’s exposed flesh has got to be almost glued to the leather couch by now, and she would probably kill for a square of anything to stick between the upholstery and her derriere. All she can do is watch helplessly as Leather waves the tissue around before neatly sticking it underneath her own well covered tuchus.

I can’t spare a square. I don’t have a square to spare.

Leather finishes up her tale of woe with a line worthy of the reality hall of fame: “The grass isn’t always greener, no matter how much fertilizer you have.” Totally. Luvs. It. Seriously, is she telling her envious viewing public that, even if they have a whole lot of poop, it’s not necessarily going to make life better for them? Or, is she saying that, even with all the poop she’s carrying around, her life isn’t turning out so well? Or, maybe she should just stick to two syllable words, with easy to remember definitions.

The Countess takes the opportunity to add a sweet little layer of frosting over my enjoyment by pronouncing, “Well! He certainly isn’t a gentleman!”

I’m sure she thinks that somewhere there is a broken man trembling in fear in front of his TV screen.

But wait! There’s more. Miss Thang can hardly contain himself. Leather has another lawsuit. Woohoo! She’s being sued for plagiarizing the design for her owl pendant. Oops, my bad. She’s getting sued for breaking a verbal contract, and she’s more than a little pissy about it. Apparently, she didn’t have time to rehearse a tearful speech for this scenario, and her little girl “Hi Hi Hiiiiii” voice has completely disappeared. This is totally the Leather who would beat the crap out of her boyfriend. If I was the woman suing her, I’d be a little skerd that I was gonna get cut, or cried on. These personality swings are confusing me.

Sorry, Leather. I don’t think that’s going to work on Andy.

Miss Thang takes a break from torturing Leather and turns to Crazy Eyes commenting that with her big mouth it’s amazing that she hasn’t been in the news, as well. LOL That Pinot Grigio must be kicking in because Crazy Eyes takes this surprisingly well.

Somebody’s gone on vacay…

While we’re treated to a flashback of Crazy Eyes general unfiltered and progressively crazier behavior throughout the season, she continues to smile blankly at the screen. Wow. Whatever she just popped, swallowed or smoked must have been amazing. She doesn’t even stutter, and she looks totally pleased, when she describes herself as a “character”. I’m telling you, building self-esteem through chemicals may have some serious merit.

Miss Thang reads off a question from a viewer who wants to know if Crazy Eyes has her own personal sound track playing in her head. LOL. This is such a tactful way of asking, on a scale of one to ten, how delusional she really is. Sadly, Crazy Eyes doesn’t take the bait, instead she starts telling Miss Thang that she’s not in the news because she’s so busy with all of her work. You know, that skin care product that she’s been working on for a year and a half. The Diva must have been getting worried that with all of these interruptions we might forget who the show is really about. She jumps in to the middle of the convo and calls Crazy Eyes out for lying about how long she’s been working on her skin cream. Oooohh, burn! You know this is going to be a scandal right up there with the Gretchen Rossi fiasco in Orange County. Seriously, who is this woman to be taking Crazy Eyes inventory? That’s my job, and the Diva isn’t making it any easier with her lame and petty kvetching.

Miss Thang reads off a final question for Crazy Eyes asking why she didn’t call Leather out for saying that she’d never be jealous of her, and we have a magical moment when all of her neurons fire in sync and sanity dawns.

OMG The voices are gone!

Crazy Eyes settles back and somewhat lucidly explains that she grew up in an awful abusive household and over time she’s became conditioned to let nasty comments fly over her head. Then, with a resigned a sigh, she says one of the few completely honest things that I’ve heard on this show, “I do the best that I can.”

You go girl!

Miss Thang turns toward the Countess and reads off a question asking if the she thinks she over reacted when Crazy Eyes called the Count “old” at the Hope Lodge charity event. The Countess admits that maybe, just maybe, she over-reacted a teensy, weensy, tiny little bit, but it was totally understandable, because calling the Count “old” was just the meanest thing ever. Besides, Crazy Eyes totally gate crashed the party. It turns out that the Countess hadn’t even invited her because she was worried something scathing would come out of her mouth. Sadly, Crazy Eyes moment of lucidity has passed and she’s too busy dealing with the giant wad of tobacco that she’s tucked a behind her lip to pay much attention to what Lulu is saying.

All the socialites are doing it.

After a production assistant generously provides Crazy Eyes with a can to spit her juice into, she’s able to focus and explain that she was getting back at Lulu for pretending to have a wonderful marriage, when all the hausenfrau knew she was separated from her husband. Besides, she was totally justified in calling the Count “old”, because Lulu had dinged her earlier in the conversation. And also, because, well, he’s old; he’s really, really old. Personally, I’m not sure what Lulu’s so upset about. I’m betting that the Count has been called alot worse than “old” lately.

Bastard, cocksucker, dickhead, needledick…

Crazy Eyes breaks into the Countess’ litany of names to remind her about how she dissed Crazy Eyes’ dating advice to Bethenny about asking men for their numbers. Especially since Crazy Eyes had witnessed the Countess taking a man’s number just a month before. Interestingly, the Countess doesn’t deny taking the number, she simply asks why Crazy Eyes thinks she knows anything about the incident. Steam shoots out of Crazy Eyes’ ears and a few veins pop in her neck, as she shoots forward in her chair to yell that the “gentleman” in question was her husband’s best friend. Things are looking a little wild and wooly, even for the stock exchange floor, when the Diva tries to step in to moderate the exchange. No matter that she wasn’t actually present for the original argument, she saw it on the TV and you know that’s accurate.

It doesn’t matter. it’s all about me! You understand? Me!!

Miss Thang takes a moment to share that Bravo received thousands of questions from their viewers and a large number of them were pretty harsh, and then he grins like somebody just gave him a really big lollipop.

Lets take a break so I can suck on that for a while.

The first question is for the Diva, which is just fine with her because Miss Thang’s been paying way too much attention to the other women. A viewer wants to know if the Diva feels any responsibility for the economic crash, since she seems to be the hausenfrau that wastes spends the most money. I don’t think that the Diva agrees with the argument that the economic crash was partly fueled by our society’s worship of over the top consumerism. Instead, she’s pretty sure that the only thing that will save our economy is if she personally spends as much of her husband’s money as possible. That’s a big responsibility people, so God forbid you make her feel guilty about it. Otherwise she’s likely to pack up her toys money and go home, and then “there will be no economy because there will be no stores”. Excuse me? Who is this woman?

Wonderful, another Jew claiming to be the Messiah.

Another viewer nominates Lulu for the “Who gives a shit about your title? We live in the 20th century” award. Happily most of us are living in the 21st century, but in general I agree with the sentiment. Wow, those editors must really have it in for Lulu, because in real life she doesn’t care two hoots about that old dusty title. She just keeps it around to raise money for charity. All that compulsive Countess talk that went on these past two seasons? That was just editing.

Guurrrlll, you better be calling me Countess.

About that whole Simon/Crazy Eyes’ dancing thing, a viewer wants to know if Crazy Eyes is harboring some secret lust for Simon. Alex does her asthmatic guinea pig laugh and says that it wouldn’t bother her in the least. Hell, it might even spice up their sex life. Please, God, I never want to have to think about this again.

Finally, Miss Thang reads off a question about the hausenfrau collectively using the show as one big infommercial. Crazy Eyes sees no problem with the massive shilling going on, because, hey, they’re not socialites; they’re business women

Crap! Did I just say that?

Lulu tries to break in so she can shill her etiquette book, but Crazy Eyes is still compulsively talking, so Lulu settles for an elegant roll of her eyes. Lady B once again reminds us that her uterus is in a desolate state of barren isolation and she has no boyfriend, no husband, and no friends. The Diva is so moved by this that she pulls out her blackberry and breaks up with Bobby via e-mail so she can propose to Bethenny.

We’re planning a June wedding. It will be very exclusive.

There hasn’t been much attention on Alex so far. After the stoning she endured during last season’s reunion, I’m guessing she’s enjoying herself. We get a flashback clip of Silex’ pornographic/romantic/nauseau inducing moments. The hausenfrau look horrified, but Miss Thang seems genuinely moved by the clip. And, as much as I hate to admit it, I have to say that I’m becoming a fan of their marriage as well.

Miss Thang brings up Lulu and Bethenny laughing at Silex for writing a book on child-rearing. It’s truly impressive to see how fast they can back pedal. Damn, girls! There’s got to be an olympic sport they can enter.

While Bethenny and the Countess are falling all over each other to explain their snarkiness, Crazy Eyes is pushing forward with the whole Silex child-rearing issue. She wants to know if Silex ever discipline their children, since the boys tend to be, you know, completely out of control. Alex actually handles herself really well. She points out that, while she does have two rambunctious healthy boys, they have mastered some things; they know not to say mean things about people. ZING!!

Direct hit!

Of course, this is the perfect time for Miss Thang to ask why Crazy Eyes didn’t go to Silex’ housewarming party. Sheesh, in thirty minutes we’ve gone from Crazy Eyes being painfully honest to watching her squirm in her seat and babble about not wanting to eat in Brooklyn. Seriously, Andy give the woman some more Pinot. Lady B has all my sympathy when she interrupts the ladies squawking with, “No offense to the group. But, they’re not great friends. She didn’t go to your party. Its all good. Let’s move on. If I have to hear this again I’m going to stick a gun in my mouth.” But I’ve got to ask what’s up with the “No offense to the group”?

How much group counseling did these women attend to get ready for this reunion?

Miss Thang brings up Simon’s car freakout, which prompts Crazy Eyes to ask if Simon abuses Alex mentally or physically. Bethenny kind of hysterically points out that it’s pretty unlikely Alex would answer yes to that on national camera, adding sarcastically, “He beat me right before I came here. How are you?” LOL Lady B does have her moments.

Miss Thang intervenes to ask if any of the other hausenfrau have anything to say to Lady B after all of her snark this season. The Countess brings up Bethenny’s comments about the title of her book, but she’s mainly just looking for an opportunity to talk about her book again, so that doesn’t really go anywhere. Alex, however, has a fair amount to say about the things Bethenny has said/wrote behind people’s back but not to their faces, and by “people” she chiefly means herself. I have to say that after reading Bethenny’s blog this season, I can sort of see where Alex is coming from. Bethenny denies, denies, denies and then suddenly capitulates, with a grudging “fair enough.” I can’t help wondering if she really means it, or she’s just trying to score points with the viewers. I’m telling you watching these shows is making me awfully cynical.

Speaking of saying mean things, Miss Thang pulls out a cue card with some quotes from an interview Leather gave to Harper’s Bazaar. It might have packed alot more punch if the quote was coherent, but then again, this is Leather we’re talking about. This gist of it is that Bethenny cares if she sits next to fabulous people and she cries about her uterus boyfriends alot. Well, now that she’s found the Diva those days are over. So really it’s a win-win for everybody. But Crazy Eyes has a story about another woman passed over by Leather on route to the women’s boyfriend. This does seem to be a recurring theme in Leather’s life, and leads to the women making an accusation of the ultimate housewife sin; Leather’s not a girl’s girl. So, I guess that the whole meth/cocaine/speed freak issue isn’t really a problem here.

I would have shared.

Andy turns to Crazy Eyes and tells her that he’d like to read something that she’d written on her blog.

Are you too drunk to answer?

I think I can still touch my nose.

Reassured that Crazy Eyes is still moderately functional, Andy happily reads off a nasty quote about Bethenny still being single and not knowing how to get married.

Now that they’ve gone public with their engagement the Diva isn’t going to let anyone push her bitch around. She jumps right in demanding to know how Ramona knows that Lady B is giving her milk away for free.

Then her head spins around on her shoulders and and she projectile vomits.

It takes more than a little bout of possession to deter Crazy Eyes. She may not have a good defense, but she can still go on the offense with “Jill you are so brain dead.” Personally, I’m not sure how politically correct it is to call a possessed person ‘brain dead’, but I’m probably being too sensitive.

Quick, somebody better get Crazy Eyes a little more alcohol! She’s started ranting about writing blogs, or having Andy write her blog, or maybe not writing any more blogs, and it all sounds terribly familiar. I think I give the same rant to Flipit once a month.

Miss Andy manages to recall Crazy Eyes attention, which totally earns my respect. I was pretty sure that shooting her was going to be the only way to shut her up. He points out that Bethenny has tears in her eyes. Guilt and remorse descend on Crazy Eyes and she grabs Miss Andy’s cue cards out of hands to read off the nice things she wrote in her blog, as well.

Hold on, all the words are moving around.

Crazy Eyes manages to read off some words like “fabulous” before Miss Andy finally succeeds in wrenching his little cue cards away from her. But Crazy Eyes doesn’t need them anymore, she’s on a roll spewing out how she thinks Bethenny is so amazing and wonderful and how she just hides it all behind a wall of crap. Inspired by Bethenny’s softening expresson, Crazy Eyes shouts out “Just get rid of the crap”.

The Diva reminds Crazy Eyes that seeing multitudes of therapists is not the same as being a therapist, and besides that she has her own crap. Does she want to talk about her crap? Lets not.

Bethenny launches into an explanation of how her single status sans husband, boyfriend, or children has made her an easy target because nobody has to worry about hurting anybody associated with her. On the other hand, Bethenny is careful of what she says about Crazy Eyes because she doesn’t want to hurt her daughter or her husband. Personally, I think she’s being a little over conscientious when it comes to hurting Mario, but I guess even serial killers have feelings. Sadly, as Bethenny is explaining all of this, she’s also leaning farther and farther forward, causing her dress to creep higher and higher. Just before we have the kind of wardrobe malfunction that results in the editors utilizing their vaginal blurring skills and speed dialing TMZ on their cellphones, Bethenny jumps up and yanks her dress down as far as it will go.

For the love of God, give the woman a potty break.

Crazy Eyes takes Bethenny’s desperate attempt to adjust her dress to be the equivalent of a big fashionista FU, and immediately jumps up to give it right back to her.

Wait! Someone said “Simon says”, right? No? Well, I’m not going to be the only one out. Bethenny stood up too!

Then the lobes of Crazy Eyes brain temporarily become unhinged and she starts screaming in tongues and writhing on the couch.

**Gurgle**blupple**Hurt**ounngh**slkji**geions**my
**gurgle**henis**feelings**

Thankfully, Crazy Eyes comes out of trance and says how she has great girlfriends but the women on the show are all “ee-ee ee-ee”. Oh well, guess we lost her again.

Well, Gasmi, that’s it for part one. I’m frantically working on the Jersey recap, and should have it up for you this weekend, so I can recap the reunion part two. Honestly, I can’t tell if this is recapping hell or heaven.

I love you all madly.

Hugs,

Yenta