Real Housewives of NYC: Housewives On Angel Dust!! Totally Awesome!!

Dear Gasmi,

This week must have been a series of headline induced orgasmic moments for Andy Cohen. Every day another housewife imploded on the horizon. Over in Orange County, more Slade/Gretchen pictures were popping up and, not to be outdone, Crack Ho Vicki announced that she’d been receiving death threats. Who’d have thunk it? Meanwhile, our Big Apple ho’s were stealing the spotlight with Alex getting laid off from her job; Leather having to go to court and puting her Hampton house on the market; Crazy Eyes being boycotted by her daughter’s private school; and the biggest news of them all, Count No Neck dropping the news on the Countess VIA EMAIL that he wanted out of their marriage. In addition, there’s the little tidbit that the Countess’ Hamptons property has also been put on the market!! Holy Crap!! You can just hear Andy off in the distance moaning in pleasure.

This, my dear Gasmi, is what is called an embarrASSment of riches.

Personally, I want to give a heartfelt thanks to all of the hausenfrau who have sacrificed their privacy and allowed their lives to publicly implode all over the inside of our TV screens.

Love ya! Wouldn’t want to be ya!

So grab some preferably dry aerodynamic comfort good and a stiff drink. I’m going with Twunty’s Long Island Tea (in support of Bethenny, of course), and take the jump…

I love watching people with absolutely no self-awareness. I hate dealing with them in person, but as long as they’re safely trapped behind my TV screen, I totally luvs them.

Yay! Crazy Eyes!

That being said, I’m still not warming up to Leather.

Who, BTW, is looking more like a rawhide blow up doll every week.

While she’s completely unaware of her impact on anything beyond her own dried cracked skin, she’s also a complete beyotch, and not the funny kind, so it kind of kills her appeal for me. On the other hand, Crazy Eyes thinks that Leather is just full of sugar and spice and everything nice, or at least all those things that BFFs are made of. I guess she’s a little more tolerant of nightmare-on-elm-street, delusional, grandiose, middle-aged hos than I am. Or maybe Crazy Eyes is so distracted by all the barber shop quartets singing away in her head that Leather’s “issues” haven’t really registered. This week Crazy Eyes has decided to bring Leather to the Badgley Mischka fashion show as her guest. After all, Leather was nice enough to share a piece of her past by taking Crazy Eyes to see a guy she once interviewed her dear dear friend Richard Meier’s Model Museum and Crazy Eyes wants to return the favor by introducing Leather to the world of fashion. Apparently, all that information about the years that Leather worked as a model, edited Elle Accessories, and was married to Giles Bensimon, the editor of Elle and fashion photog extraordinaire, never fully registered in Crazy Eyes’ mind. To be fair, it’s got to be really hard for her to retain any information about other people when her head is already so full of different personalities shouting out trivia at the pace of rapid fire machine guns. With any other person Crazy Eyes’ complete lack of awareness would make for an awkward segment, but this is Leather we’re talking about.

Start with a base of pathological narcissism, add an ounce or two of angel dust and bake for a really long time.

Leather’s way too self-absorbed to notice that she’s being “introduced” to her own milieu. After a moment of young love bonding,

I’m crazier! No, I’m crazier!

Leather explains what a good friend she is when she likes someone; she’s loyal, like a bulldog. For a second I can totally see the resemblance:

Something around the eyes.

Then in a totally awkward segue she brings up how disappointed she was in Bethenny’s behavior at the Creaky Joints Charity meeting. You know, when Lady B totally dissed Leather for no reason whatsoever. Crazy Eyes looks shocked that Bethenny would be so rude. Especially, when Leather is all about stressing what a turnoff bad manners are to her. Well, lets make that other people’s bad manners. Leather’s own bad manners don’t seem to bother her at all. So far this season, we’ve heard Leather talk about Kelly Time (when the fun starts) and Kelly Land (where the party is), so I’m guessing this is about Kelly Standards, and those would be the double ones.

Crazy Eyes’s shock has passed and it looks like it’s been replaced by panic. After all, up to now, Lady B has been her only friend among the hausenfrau, and she doesn’t want to lose her. But Leather really, really likes Crazy Eyes, after all she said so right before she started dissing Bethenny and Crazy Eyes doesn’t want to piss her off either. Life’s so frigging complicated when you start making friends. In high school.

What to do? What to do?

Does Leather think Bethenny is jealous? Or maybe Lady B is just threatened by Leather’s fabulosity factor, which, while never that high to begin with, is quickly dropping. Hey, a moment of lucidness, Leather doesn’t think that Bethenny’s jealous. She just thinks that Bethenny’s a spoiled brat with really bad manners. And here we go back into the world of delusion. One moment were up, one moment were down. Leather thinks that what Bethenny really needs is to be taught a lesson. And, by God, Leather’s just the woman to do the teaching, or at least she would be, if she wasn’t completely batshit crazy.

In a totally bizarre juxtaposition Kelly’s insanity is interrupted by the beautiful dreaminess of the Badgley Mischka runway show. For a few moments, everything is beautiful, bright, and dreamy. Then, Wham! We’re back to the combined insanity of Leather and Crazy Eyes, as they make their way to the back room for drinks. Yup, these two need alcohol like a bonfire needs gasoline. Crazy Eyes starts kvetching and you know that it’s going to be about one of her two obsessions: Jill or Silex. Because, seriously, what other interests does she have in life? This time she’s bitching about Silex, or more specifically Simon, and she’s being sneaky about her bitching. She’s doing it under the cover of asking Leather for advice on how to handle Simon, when you know she just wants an excuse to talk about how awful he is. Leather could care less about Simon. But really why should she. It doesn’t have anything to do with her. On the other hand, it’s a totally great opportunity for her to pretend to be Tyra and give out that fabulous, self-empowering, take the high road advice that Tyra doles out whenever she has a chance. Poor Leather, you know it must be hard to watch her ex-husband get to be a guest photographer on what should have been Leather’s show.

Of course, Leather isn’t about to take her own advice when it comes to Lady B. After all, Crazy Eyes’ situation with Simon is totally different than Leather’s situation with Bethenny. Surely everybody can see the difference. Right? Right? Sadly, Crazy Eye’s has already forgotten what they were talking about. Leather is repeating how much she likes her and all the voices in Crazy Eyes’ head have started purring. And, really, how do you retain the thread of a conversation when it sounds like a lawn mower convention is going on in your head?

Start your engines.

On the Upper East Side, JZ’s condo is almost finished. It’s looking pretty nice, but I’ve got to say that those those stripes would drive me nuts. Still, JZ and Bobby seem happy, and Bobby is totally getting my award for the sweetest husband ever. Predictably, the renovation has gone over budget, and Bobby’s attitude is completely relaxed about it. He’s all ‘a few thousand here and few thousand there. We like it, so why worry?’

Who’d have thunk it?

Meanwhile, over the bridge in fabulous Brooklyn, Silex is getting ready to start talking about the brass tacks of decorating their renovated building. You know they’re going to try and go all edgy and piss elegant. I’m predicting black marble and heart shaped water beds, something along the lines of a VH1 reality show house with some Shakespeare thrown in to give a hint of sophistication. Everybody is gathered around waiting for the various decorators to appear and little Frankie is wearing his hard hat. I’m so jealous. How many kids get to experience a home life that makes extreme safety precautions an everyday norm?

Oooh, what a surprise; Silex wants marble floors. I totally love how their floor guy just laughs in Simon’s face when he says the main part of their renovation will be finished in five weeks, especially when he adds “Like I always tell you, it’s up to the contractors.” Either Silex gave up on the idea of acting as their own contractors or they haven’t broke the bad news to their floor guy. But back to the VH1 decor theme, Alex is happily describing a giant poster of Alice Cooper with a snake to the lighting guy. And Simon is babbling about sconces. I love that Simon takes a moment to tell us that he’s always been lucky to be able to take so much info “up here” while pointing to his head. At least, I’m assuming that he pointing to his head and not some weird compartment that he’s had built into that tired toupee he’s been wearing for the last two seasons.

Hair Club for Men

Back in “Kelly Land”, Leather is still upset that Bethenny called her “Madonna” at the charity meeting. Get over it, honey. Believe me, after seeing this episode, people are calling you a lot worse. Of course, Leather’s not seeing it that way. Nope, she’s itching to give Lady B a smackdown and teach her who’s who. Awesome!! Nothing’s better than watching someone drive straight off the highway of sanity. Not that Leather’s been spending a lot of time there anyway. Seriously, by the time high school ends most people have figured out that these smackdowns only go well in the movies. In real life they’re just really, really awkward and totally embarrassing. I can’t wait!

Leather invites Bethenny for a drink and then shows up half an hour late, flying higher than the space station, and looking like Christopher Robbin in drag, with a little green dress and with pink shiny rainboots. I’m guessing someone stopped off for a hit or two of extra courage. Cocaine? Booze? Crack? Who knows. But whatever it is, I’m pretty sure that it’s not an approved substance for mental illness. Nope, Leather’s definitely left reality and is orbiting out somewhere around Saturn. She dismisses Bethenny’s complaint about waiting with a flippant “Really? That’s too bad” and then without stopping to breathe launches into a diatribe about how she and Bethenny aren’t friends, and won’t be friends because she’s up here and Bethenny’s down there. And by the way, Leather doesn’t like Lady B. She doesn’t find her funny and she doesn’t find her charming. So there! Nanny nanny boo boo. Leather’s eyes are frenetically darting back and forth between Lady B the camera and some random dot on the wall. And she’s compulsively twisting her hair in a way that’s going to ensure more than a few bald patches. Sadly, in her scrambled mind, Leather probably sounds like some badass, action hero and not a crazy homeless woman pushing a shopping cart, and ranting at people passing by. Dear God, I would so love to be a PA for this show. I bet they go back to the editing room just roll the footage again and again and laugh their asses off.

I know, I replayed this scene like three or four times just to soak it in.

I have to confess that when Lady B first shared the story of Leather hitting on Bethenny’s boyfriend and dissing Bethenny, I wondered if this wasn’t one of those unfortunate events that gets magnified in the head of the dissee and is forgotten by the disser. Silly me. Nothing magnified about that story. Leather totally remembers the incident and goes on to try and lob some nasty accusations at Lady B. OMG what a complete f*ing bitch! Leather accuses Bethenny of showing up at her party uninvited, only to have Lady B. slap her back with the info that Leather’s cohost and Bethenny’s good friend Ginny Hilfiger had invited her. Confounded on this point, Leather sneaks a look at the camera and tries to recover by telling Bethenny that her behavior at the party was an embarrassment. Oh? Really? And what behavior was that? Lady B asks in a tone as cold as dry ice. Leather blinks and twirls her hair before asking Bethenny “What do you think you did?” Lamest. Comeback. Ever. Poor Bethenny. I give her massive credit for maintaining her composure throughout this trainwreck ambush. Her expression is a total mixture of shock, horror and distaste, like she accidently stumbled on to a horrifying beastiality freakshow site on the web, but she’s deadly calm when she says “You’re making things up.” Seriously, when Leather comes back to the planet earth, she better hit her knees and thank God that the cameras were there. Otherwise, I’m guessing that the last episode of this season would be taking place at her funeral. Leather is now reduced to the kind of red faced blustering usually seen in drunken men, when they’ve been caught with their pants down and wiener where it shouldn’t be. It’s got to be a pretty sweet revenge to have Leather completely expose herself as a psychotic fruitloop in front of a camera. Hell, Lady B didn’t even have to go to the trouble of posting the video to Youtube, because, you know, Bravo is going to be replaying this clip from now to eternity. Winding down, Leather burbles something about how she’s out of there and takes off in a swirl of delusion leaving Lady B sitting at the table. I so hope one of the PA’s bought her a drink. But we’re not done yet. Hee-hee. I have to admit I’m jaw dropping loving the sheer awfulness of this scene. Apparently, instead of wandering off into the night shouting obscenities and spraying spittle, Leather must have darted into the “ladies” room and taken another hit off her chemical/alcohol cocktail. When Bethenny goes downstairs to leave, Leather’s lurking in the doorway waiting to ambush Bethenny on her way out. Because the slapdown is virtually guaranteed to go in her favor the second time around. Who knows maybe it would have if she had been even a teensy weensy bit coherent. Instead, Leather’s rant went something along the lines of *gurgle* *burble* “you need to chill out” *hiccup* *gurgle* *gurgle* “I’m going to go meet my boyfriend.” Bethenny is too busy typing into her blackberry to pay much attention and I’m totally hoping that she’s dialing 911, because Leather needs to detox in a rubber room. Stat.

OMG I don’t remember why I”m here…

Unfortunately, the white jacket lithium squad never arrives and Leather is left to stumble into the arms of her studly, yet less than fluent “date”, Max. I’ve got to give it to the old girl, she’s taken the Countess’ advice to lean in and talk softly to a whole new level. She’s practically falling off her stool and she’s borderline incoherent when she describes her encounter with Bethenny. I can see how this might have been fascinating for Max if he had the ability to understand one word in ten on one of Leather’s sober days. As it is, he could care less what Leather’s saying as long as he gets to stroke various unexposed parts of her body. Really, this works out well for everybody, because talking and making sense is a real strain when you’re totally blitzed, bombed, and ferschnitzeled. Leather eventually stops trying and simply launches herself at him, wrapping herself around him in the sort of hug that all children love to see their mother televised in. I so hope Bravo keeps Max around for the next six episodes.

How can you not love a guy who’s one step away from saying “My wife no understand me.”

Having survived the Kelly ambush, Lady B meets up with Ramona to watch Mario play tennis in New Rochelle. Poor girl’s going directly from a nightcap with a batshit crazy woman to a day watching a serial killer. Crazy Eyes is looking saner by the episode. I’m pretty sure that Mario is going to be a tad bit PO’d about this segment. Instead of featuring his studly tennis skills our editors are more interested in Lady B’s description of the Creaky Joints charity meeting and the subsequent Leather ambush. Crazy Eyes’ is looking a little horrified at the story, like maybe she’s just realizing that the reason she’s so comfortable with Leather is that they both speak cuckoo.

It’s like she understood everything about me.

Back at JZ’s condo, they’re having a small crisis with a too small TV. But no worries Bobby’s here!! And sure enough, JZ picks up her cell phone and the problem is fixed. Well that was a nice interlude, moving on…

Crazy Eyes and Serial Killer Mario are having the kind of nice relaxed date that only really socially dysfunctional people with alot of cameras can have. It seems like Mario won his match and Crazy Eyes is all about puffing up his ego, because being married to Mario has got to be just like being married to Steve Nash.

A really shiny Steve Nash.

Sadly for Mario this show is about the hausenfrau, so moving on to Crazy Eyes’ obsessions. This time she’s talking about JZ and a whole string of emails that have been going back and forth between them attempting to set a date for their tennis match. You know, that tennis match that Mario and Crazy eyes have been trying to force on JZ, with a partner hand picked for her by Mario. Crazy Eyes starts out by telling her husband, “I don’t want to get you upset,” which is totally understandable. It must be a bitch to keep the bodies from piling up behind their condo when he’s in a bad mood. But then she decides what the hell, he won his tennis match, that should be enough to keep him happy for a while.Despite Mario’s obsessive persistence, JZ is refusing to set a date, refusing to take a partner of his choosing, and all around refusing to cooperate.

Yup, I’m going to have to kill her.

But no worries. Crazy Eyes has got a plan. Just wait until the Page Six party tomorrow night. What party? Mario asks. Right, the party that we’re contractually obligated to go to, Crazy Eyes reminds him. They’ll be lots of cameras, so it will be a great opportunity for Mario to get some camera time. But Crazy Eyes has more on her agenda than JZ’s annoying lack of cooperation. She has a whole new obsession. Woohoo!! Oh, it’s Leather, what a surprise. Crazy Eyes has her thong in a twist because Leather wrote a column for Page Six Magazine where she describes inviting the hausenfrau to fashion week. Mon dieu! The horror! Nobody invites Crazy Eyes to fashion week. Crazy Eyes owns fashion week, because when it comes to fashion she’s done it all. And she really wants us to know it. In the most unnatural way possible, Crazy Eyes recites her fashion resume to her husband starting with “I went to FIT. I got my degree there.” Mario is still pouting at his lack of camera time and has a momentary lapse in his role as his wife’s straightman, saying a little testily “I know that.” LOL. Come on, Mario. It doesn’t matter how often you’ve heard this crap, just nod and look interested. Crazy Eyes winds up her fashion creds with a defiant “She didn’t take me anywhere.” Then nodding wisely, with just a hint of paranoia, repeats what the voices have begun to whisper, “Something’s amiss.”

We catch up to Lulu and Leather in the back of a limo on their way to the Page Six Party, and I’m immediately wondering why the hell Leather is doing her makeup in the dark, or maybe somebody told her that extra rouge would look good on camera.

So is your makeup person a friend of Bethenny’s?

Leather immediately starts in on her obsessive kvetching about Lady B’s mean nasty “attacking” behavior at the charity meeting. The Countess apparently has a slightly different recollection of the event, because she blinks and her smile freezes as she tactfully asks “did she attack you?” Completely oblivious to Lulu’s reaction, Leather is blathering on about the meeting she set up with Bethenny, and the Countess is numbly repeating “you gave her a meeting and you were late?” I just love that Leather’s deluded sense of grandiosity and entitlement are so incredibly out of proportion that the Countess of all people is shocked. Seriously, it’s like a twisted farce on the car scene last season, when the Countess tried to explain to Bethenny why she shouldn’t be introduced to employees by her first name. The Countess mentions that aggression is definitely not the way to go with Lady B, but Leather of course only hears what she wants to hear. Who knows maybe her eardrums are just as dried out as her skin and can no longer transmit sound waves. Our editors are kind enough to insert a clip of Leather explaining how the situation with Lady B makes no impact on her life whatsoever. Dream on, honey. I’m pretty sure that making a complete jackass out of yourself on national TV had to have had some impact.

All the hausenfrau are present at the Page Six party except for Bethenny. She’s at home filling out the paperwork for a restraining order. Holy Cow these people are collectively wacked. The Countess is busy explaining why she’s not a Duchess, while Leather tries to talk her into bestowing a title on her. Of course, now that the Countess is a free agent again, she can always make a play for a duke. There has to be a couple left around the world, who would appreciate a soft talking, close leaning, mysterious divorcee.

Just in case anybody got the wrong idea about her advice to Bethenny.

Leather wanders off from the Countess only to be jumped on by Crazy Eyes and Crazy Eyes is PO’d. She totally confronts Leather with the Page Six article reminding Leather that she was Crazy’s guest at the fashion show. Leather titters and backpedals as fast as she can, explaining that she didn’t mean Ramona when she referenced the housewives. Oh no, she meant those other fashion starved hausenfrau. Personally, I don’t think Crazy Eyes believed her. I think it was just good enough for her to hear Leather’s retraction while the cameras were rolling.

Meanwhile, JZ is pissed about some nasty email that Mario sent and Mario is drunk. Or he’s just being an A-hole. Either way he must be having a lot of pent up frustration with so many camera’s around and not be able to indulge his normal proclivities. So instead of showing off that serene good natured glow that comes from a growing pile of corpses, Mario is yelling that JZ ought to either shut up and be happy or agree to whatever Mario wants. Because Mario is that good. Honestly, if a man got in my face the way Mario got in JZ’s I think my husband would have punched him. Poor Bobby, there’s nowhere he can go to change into his superman costume.

Can you get me a spare room, just for a minute.

Besides Mario’s kind of big and scary, and he kills people. No worries, there’s always their driver/part time bodyguard Kenny. Unfortunately, Kenny completely mis-reads the situation and shakes Mario’s hand. LOL.

JZ moves on and Mario wanders off to continue ranting. Simon, always one to feel a strong interest in his fellow man, immediately comes over to comfort him. This has the potential to be the start of the best bromance ever. Unfortunately Simon is drunk and Mario is unhinged. Crazy Eyes returns to find her worst nightmare coming to life. Her arch nemesis Simon is snuggling up to her husband. Definitely not a threesome that Crazy Eyes is interested in. Maybe more people will make the whole concept more palatable? When Alex approaches she’s immediately asked ‘we’re looking for a fourth. Are you interested?’ Sure she is. After Simon, Mario probably looks like the gold standard of masculinity. Everybody is going on swimmingly, until they remember that they hate each other. And then? Totally awkward. Crazy Eyes brings up that whole thing about Silex allegedly leaking the photos of Alex’ full frontal nudity, without warning the other hausenfrau. Of course, Alex cannot believe that they’re still holding on to such a little thing. Especially as Simon points out, when Ramona was taped kissing a former playmate by her pool when she was wearing an itty bitty bikini, and he’s not even going to talk about her vaj flashing dresses. Well, yes he is, but we’re pretty much at the end of this week’s trainwreck so I’m ending it there.

And then I saw your hoo hoo when we went dancing.

Well, Gasmi, that’s it for this week. I hope your TV screens survived the Leather/Lady B. smackdown. I have to say that mine is definitely in need of repair. This may be the best reunion show ever. It’s six weeks away and I’m already planning what liquor to stalk up!

I love you all madly and I really appreciate the posts and emails updating me on the ongoing housewife crises.

Hugs,

Yenta

**To read Chapter 14 of Yenta’s novel, The Traveling Prayer, click here!