Real Housewives of NYC: It’s All Crap And Then You Die, So Be Happy!

Dear Gasmi,

This week Christian Siriano makes a cameo as JZ’s mother, Bethenny gets on the single girl train, Ramona reveals her inner roid head, the Countess embarrasses nobility everywhere, and Kelly is meh.

I dream of a world where dogs can chew bones without worrying about staining their clothes.

Got your skinny girl margaritas? No? Me either. In honor of the Countess I’m going for beer straight out of the bottle. Chugalug…

This week ‘The Countess’ is throwing a party for her dog, Aston’s, birthday. My guess is that everybody forgot the Countess’ birthday so she’s trying to make up for it by living vicariously through the dog. Actually, I’m pretty relieved to see Aston. I’ve been half expecting the poor thing to show up stuffed on Ebay. Way to stay alive, pooch! On the other hand, staying alive comes at a high price, and at the very least a complete loss of dignity.

Do you want to dress him like a clown or a ballerina?

Aston’s birthday party is at the “Hampton Hound”, which is some sort of dog-related business. What kind of business? Kennel? Groomer? Boutique? I have no idea. One thing is clear, they serve champagne for birthday parties. Or maybe that’s only if you’re a countess. Seriously, did young Luann, in her pre-countess days, read a surfeit of regency romance books featuring grand ladies who only drank champagne? I hate to break it to her but those books are FICTION. Cripes. I hope she’s not using Harlequin Romance as the research base for her etiquette book. Just wait. Next week she’s going to be kvetching that nobody will kiss her hand.

Aston’s party is a chummy little gathering. JZ is there along with Bethenny, who apparently lost all of her clothes and had to steal a nightie from an old lady’s clothesline. It must have been a hell of sight to see her dashing down the road in it. Even Ramona makes an appearance, and she’s brought her very own little pet. I’m not sure that Ramona should watch TV. I’m pretty sure that she really believes in the Geico lizard.

He’s just shy right now. He’s really chatty when you get to know him.

OMG, somebody stole the Countess’ blackberry. I totally feel for her on this one. I dropped my Iphone this week and broke the LCD screen. I feel like I’ve lost a body part only slightly more integral to my well being than my brain. Still, whoever stole her blackberry must not know The Countess, because you know she’s not someone who’s going to forgive and forget.

The lower classes have swingsets in their backyards.

Poor Ramona. Last week the waitress dumps her drink on her and this week the lizard poops on her. It’s hard when you borrow someone’s lizard and they don’t warn you that it’s not potty trained. Here’s to hoping that she scrubs her arm before she sees Mario, with his compulsive licking issues.

JZ, I love you darling and I totally understand the yentaing compulsion to find out all about Kelly, but you’ve got to work on being a little subtler. You can’t just hook Ramona up to electrodes and zap her every time she doesn’t give you the info you’re asking for. You know, she’s just going to whine alot, and we really don’t want her eyes to fully pop out of her head.

On the other hand, I’ve got some sympathy for Ramona. I hate being jumped on for juicy deets. Especially when they’re about a deep-seated personal experiences. Ramona’s convo with Kelly had to be super meaningful for Ramona. Not only was it lucid and sane, but Kelly seemed to actually like her.

Way to go, Crazy Eyes!!

JZ’s first impression of Kelly was that she felt out of place at JZ’s fundraiser. Well, she probably did, since she didn’t know anybody. Besides having a full camera crew following you around filming whenever they want must be a big adjustment, when you’re used to people begging for your picture.

JZ brings up the fact that Silex (okay, I’m officially going with the name) showed up at her event, and Ramona is all creeped out and unimpressed. But, hey, she’s the one walking around with a lizard in her pocket. Well come to think about it, I guess I could say the same thing about Simon. And gross. I’m stopping that train right there. Anyhoo, Jill is careful to point out that she’s grateful that not only did Silex come to the fundraiser but they also signed up to sponsor two children. Ramona thinks that they were just kissing JZ’s tuchus. Who knows? Maybe they were just looking to trade in their own tykes for some kids that actually speak a foreign language. How cool would that be?

Oh look, Alex and her gay real husband, Simon, are going shopping together just like Jill and her gay fake husband. Really, Silex is the best shopping team ever. Their fashion choices provide the public with unending amusement, while convincing themselves that they’re just the most beautiful people anywhere.

Watch out, Kelly Bensimon! These two icons of fabulosity are coming your way!

Of course, the owner of the store is a buddy of our social climbing wannabes, and he’s just thrilled to see them and their camera crew. Like the old saying goes: ‘everybody’s beautiful at last call’, or when they come with free publicity. But this guy’s sharper than I’m giving him credit for. He definitely needs to keep the Van Kampen’s self-loving delusions going if he’s going to keep those cameras rolling, and he knows that the pretentious duo is high maintenance. So he calls out to someone in the back asking if they’re going to “come help the girls out?” Loves it. Simon doesn’t even blink. I’m thinking that this isn’t the first time he’s been called a ‘girl’. Don’t worry, Simon, it isn’t your sexuality that they’re calling into question, it’s your gender. Nobody has any confusion about your sexuality. Still it would probably help if you shaved those facial pubes you insist on sporting, because they’re definitely not helping your feminine appeal.

Simon is all about seeing Alex in clothes that are so “form fitting” she looks like she’s naked with a piece of cloth over her. I’m taking a moment to give thanks that Simon doesn’t want to coordinate that aspect of their wardrobe as well. I can think of a number of married men who would be uncomfortable with their wives going out in public virtually naked, but since a large number of people have already seared their retinas with the full glory of Alex’s naked flesh, I guess that’s a moot point.

I’m beginning to think that Alex’s urge to drop her clothes whenever someone holds up a camera, or the when the wind changes direction, is bordering on pathological. I know she was hoping that Playboy might do a spread on her, but I’m pretty sure that Hef, like everybody else with a computer, has had an ample chance to assess her, ummm, assets(?). If the phone hasn’t rung by now it’s probably safe to say that Alex can put her clothes back on and go home. Sadly, youthful dreams die hard. Of course, it isn’t helping that the owner of the store, apparently swept away by the thoughts of free advertising, is busy telling Alex that she has no bad parts. Really? Because I can’t help noticing that he’s not spending a lot of time looking at her.

For her part, Alex is working hard to sound modest. It’s a struggle for her, but she manages to come up with “Ummm, I have a few.” And, then, because the cameraman was really drunk, or just trying to figure if Alex really does tuck, we’re treated to this superb shot.

Gotta love those old Maxi Pad ads.

Meanwhile, Simon is trying on a boy’s school uniform with some green shoes that might possibly be cute on the right guy. Simon is not the right guy. Thankfully, before Simon has a chance to model anything more revealing for us, they decide to wrap up today’s little shopping escapade with a grand total of $8000.00; mere peanuts for the combined budgets of a hotel manager and a graphic designer. Oops, it seems like Simon forgot his wallet. Again. I’ve dated those kinds of guys, it must be a pain in the tuchus to be married to one.

Back at the Zarin house, Bethenny and JZ are hanging out on Jill’s bed. It seems that JZ has invited Bethenny to stay with her for the summer, and it’s been “amazing”. Their friendship is pretty cute to watch. I have to say that, as I’m running around in my completely crazy life, amidst several feet of snow, waiting for another impending storm, I’m feeling pretty jealous. Two days hanging out in bed with one of my friends is sounding like heaven on earth; Flipit? J-Mo? Twunty? Anybody up for it? Think ‘enormous flat screen TV and lots of comfort food’.

But life isn’t all about lounging on the bed and floating in the pool. There are more important things to discuss, like whatever happened to Bethenny’s boyfriend, Jason? Sadly, or not, depending on how much you liked him, Jason has gone the way of toe socks and painter pants. Thank God that they’re all a thing of the past. I always thought that Bethenny could do better, but she’s being pretty hard on herself. I’m thinking that girlfriend’s ego took a beating. I’m also thinking that girlfriend’s nose got a little reshaping. Bethenny’s not looking nearly so Michael Jacksonish this season. Don’t worry, Bethenny, good men are like plums. You’ve got to squeeze a few before you find one that’s sweet.

Luckily, before it gets too depressing, our editors insert a clip of Bethenny donning a wig, gold glitter, and shine to do her JZ imitation. Holy cow, girlfriend’s pretty much morphed into my cousin Ellen. I kid you not. We all love Ellen, but it’s a little like living with a flapper who came back to life in the age of disco. Whatever else, Bethenny’s got the accent thing spot on.

In the kitchen, JZ’s gay husband, Brad, is talking to Allie about her grandmother’s imminent arrival. For those of you that have never had an occasion to meet the matriarch of a Jewish family, let me tell you, a fully armed mafia boss doesn’t command as much respect. There was one year when my mother remodeled her entire kitchen and part of our house to get ready for my bubbe’s visit. JZ’s mother, Gloria, arrives with enough baggage to open her own boutique. JZ’s father is adorable and JZ’s husband, Bobby, is having a total anxiety attack. Seriously, who can blame him? Messing this visit up would be like serving Queen Elizabeth Mickey Dee’s for high tea. Bubbe Gloria is going to need a car while she’s visiting and therein lies the hitch. The bubbemobile needs to be not too big, not too small, and God forbid it doesn’t have air. Got that Bobby? Now be a good boy and return all those cars to find something just right.

It’s nice to see that Christian Siriano is still fierce after winning PR.

While bubbe Gloria is trying out different cars, Ramona and Bethenny are out doing lunch. Uh oh, Ramona is all about giving Bethenny some relationship advice. You know, so Bethenny can catch her own serial killer for a lasting committed relationship.

You’re kidding, right?

But Bethenny shouldn’t think that Ramona is just some hack giving relationship advice. Nope Ramona has some creds. She’s hauling around two issues of Cosmo from the 1990′s with articles on “manhandling” written by our very own Ramona. Well, hotdamn! Move over, Countess, Ramona’s gone and done stole your thunder as a writer. Of course, we might never have known about this accomplishment, because Ramona doesn’t brag like some people. You know, that other woman on the show; JILL ZARIN.

Oops, did I say that?

Ramona’s ten rules to dating are as follows:

1) Don’t wait for Kevin Costner. If you meet a guy who’s willing to marry you grab him. Don’t let little things like a penchant for homicide get in your way. 2) Be a consummate flirt. That means flirting with everybody including the creepy guys sitting off in the corner talking to themselves. 3)Take any number you can get, even if it’s off the bathroom wall, and say you’ll call him. 4)Say no to last minute plans, because if you’re too easy even the biggest losers will get bored. 5) Feel good about your body. Starving and plastic surgery are a good way to start. 6)Don’t do it (meaning sex) right away. See number 4. 7)Tell him that you can’t sleep over and he has to stay at your house, because that way it’s much easier to hold him hostage until he agrees to marry you. 8) Never talk about other men, because the men that you’re going to be meeting with these methods will most definitely suffer from really low self-esteem and they won’t be able to tolerate the competition. 9) Be observant when you visit his mother, because it’s a known fact that serial killers and generally disturbed men have all sorts of mother issues. 10) Don’t cohabitate. Okay. I’ve to admit that I’ve been known to give this item as advice. If you don’t care about getting married, by all means shack up, but if you want to get married, wait until you say “I do.” Oy veh!! I’m so on my way into turning into a Jewish bubbe.

But, on to Ramona’s second article. Betheny scans it briefly with a confused look on her face and asks “Who wants to look like this person?” Full stop. Eyes pop. “Holy shit that’s you.” Sure enough, there’s a photo of Ramona in all of her pumped up, lubed up, air brushed, testosterone flooded, body building glory. Betheny’s all like, “Ramona looked like Zena the warrior princess.”

But I’m thinking more along the lines of a 1950′s Eastern block softball coach.

Enough of Ramona’s body building, testosterone infused, manhandling, glory days. Back at the Zarin compound, Bobby and grandpa have returned with a new car for bubbe Gloria to try. And Voila!! It’s perfect. Such good boys. I’m guessing they’ll be sneaking around back to sneak little nip in celebration.

What a surprise. Simon and Alex are hanging out at the beach. Surely it’s coincidental that Alex will just happen to be stripping down to her bikini.

Should I take this off?

But first, they’re going to take a little stroll along the beach. Just a couple of young Reality TV stars out in public, and there’s a nice lady with a camera.

Hold up. These idiots keep wandering into the shot.

Wait. What’s missing? Oh, right, their boys. Luckily they have that nice luxury pool to leave them in. I sure hope they float. Or maybe they’ve left their imaginary au pair with them. I have to respect Silex’s choice in this matter. Introducing their carefully nurtured boys to the Atlantic ocean would clearly be tantamount to child abuse. Why the rough waves and cold water could even instill a lasting fear of water in their babies. I’m sure generations of children summering in the Hamptons have suffered from that exact fate. It’s much better for Alex and Simon to raise their boys to be pretentious tropical babies like their parents. Especially the pretentious part. But down to business. Let’s watch Alex and Simon strip. Alex down to an itsy bitsy bikini over her pale, bony body, and Simon down to a Speedo.

Really? How very European of you.

How cute. Simon’s brought a second suit to wear over the Speedo so he’ll blend in with the prudish lower class American crowd. Well I for one would like to express my appreciation for his extra effort. Now if he could just get his wife to cover up as well.

After all that time traveling around the world, Simon must be totally at home body surfing. Ouch!! That slam into the sand had to hurt. Poor Simon. The Atlantic ocean is just plain dangerous.

Yoohoo! Alex! I know the cameras are filming you, but your husband is in danger of drowning.

Don’t worry, Simon, I’m sure this guy is just dying to resuscitate you.

Dude, you’re in three feet of water.

Simon manages to crawl out of the water, bruised in spirit and body, to lie down next to his wife. After discussing his ordeal, they agree that the waves are just too dangerous for their delicate progeny. Besides think of the trauma induced by seeing their big strong dad being being thrown around like a dead fish. Personally, I’m thinking that the sight of daddy in a Speedo can’t be doing them any good either, but hey that’s just me. Simon’s totally over the whole frolicking in the waves thing and casually asks his wife if she wants to have sex on the beach. There’s a moment of silence, while Alex considers if her husband has lost his mind, before she bursts out laughing. But no worries, Simon isn’t suddenly busting out with rampant heterosexual desires, he’s just asking his wife if she wants a drink.

Remember, definitely not gay.

So much for the beach, it’s time to go see what’s happening back at JZ’s place. Allie is busy packing for her summer in France and she wants some help from Mom. And, OMG, Allie has grown up so much since last year, and she seems so much happier. Last year she sulked, pouted, and whined her way through the season. Now she’s looking happy, polite and poised. I love it when teenagers grow up. It gives me faith in the future. Of course, JZ is having some mother angst at her daughter’s leaving home, but to her credit she’s managing to keep herself from making Allie’s life a living hell of guilt.

Oh goody, a segment with the new housewife, Kelly. Anybody else getting the feeling that the producers have no idea how to integrate her into the other housewive’s storylines? Kelly’s at a party that she’s covering for her column in Page Six Magazine. Sadly, according to the Gawker, Page Six Magazine is folding, so Kelly’s going to be looking for a job. Kelly tells us that the ‘going to parties’ part of her job is really fun, but it’s so damn hard to do her job when everybody wants to take her picture. Don’t worry, darling, in a few years, there will be enough new girls on the scene to force you to beg for your camera time. But, for now, Kelly’s a busy girl and in high demand, which makes her a hit and run and don’t forget to kiss your host on the way out kind of guest.

Of course, the party that Kelly’s presence is currently gracing is a very cool party. We know this because Kelly mentions that there are a lot of beautiful people there. And, really, that’s all you need to make an event a success. After all beauty trumps wit, intellect, or accomplishments every time. Especially when you’re more interested in looking at people than actually talking to them, which might be my problem with Kelly. After a while, the whole beautiful people thing is a little meh.

I’m guessing that she’s going for the free spirit housewife niche.

Back at the Zarin abode, Gloria is giving Bethenny some free counseling. Seriously, if you ever want good, honest, advice that pulls no punches, find yourself a Jewish bubbe. The women in Gloria’s generation have seen it all, and done it all, and they can be a wee bit overwhelming. Poor Bethenny. But Gloria does make some sense. Life goes fast and at the end of the day it’s all a lot of crap anyway, so you might as well be happy. The only thing that was missing from my family’s version was the obligatory food that would have been shoved down Bethenny’s throat. After all, you can diet tomorrow because today you might be hit by a bus and God forbid those knishes are wasted.

Over at the Countess’ royal residence, things are a little less organized. It seems that Rosie is on vacation for the month. Thank the Lord. I have to confess that I’ve been a little worried that Rosie had been stuffed and disposed of alongside the dog. Happily my faith in the bargain basement nobility has been restored, and both Rosie and the dog have survived. Without Rosie present, feeding the kiddies is quite the little issue when The Countess is going out for the evening. Her ladyship doesn’t want the kids cooking when she’s not there, but DHS gets all upset if she doesn’t feed them. Not to worry, she remembers a time in her distant non-royal past when pizzas were ordered. But that was in simpler time and things have changed since then. Seriously, how many people have trouble leaving their name with their pizza order? It’s not like LuAnn is a complicated name. Oops, too informal. Well, okay, Mrs. DeLesseps is a little longer but the pizza parlor will probably at least figure out a close approximation. So why the hell is it necessary to screech “Countess” into the phone? Does it really matter what they scrawl on a piece of paper for God’s sake? Besides all you’ve managed to do is to convince the poor kid on the other end of the phone that he’s talk to another society boozer. I’m thinking that our resident wannabe aristocrat can skip the chapter in her etiquette book on ordering food. I’m willing to bet that 98% of the public has a better handle on it than she does.

Tonight the Countess is being honored by the Cancer Society, and in honor of the occasion her mother has come to visit. Sadly, Count No Neck is in Asia so the Countess is going to be flying solo. I wonder if Countess Lulu makes her mother curtsy to her when she enters the room? That might account for the most awkward mother daughter convo. Ever. Her mother mother formally thanks her ladyship for inviting her, and Countess Lulu (Hee-hee. Doesn’t it sound like a drag name?) promptly corrects her mother telling her that she’s supposed to say that she’s proud of her. OMG, shades of Cracky are looming. But on to the Diamond and Denim party thrown by the Cancer Society. We get a clip of the Countess hanging out with Kelsey Grammer and I can’t help thinking that this is an ideal situation. Maybe he can offer some quick counseling a la Frazier to her. But, instead, he seems more interested in how long Lulu’s been a countess.

So, did your class consciousness come with the title, or were you always narcissistic?

JZ, Brad, Bobby and Bethenny have shown up to be supportive of Lulu when she receives the award. But JZ doesn’t seem overly impressed with the low key event and the tent is frickin hot. Bobby, being a resourceful man is working the martinis and I’m right there with him. Enough of this milling about. Lets get everybody seated and watch the show. Except that nobody is; watching that is. The hostess is trying to deliver her award shpiel, but it seems like she never bothered to get the audience’s attention before she started to talk, so everybody including the Countess is yammering away. The Countess is flapping her lips so much that she fails to hear her full introduction and starts getting all bent out shape at being called Luann DeLesseps instead of Countess DeLesseps. And you know an unhappy Countess is never an attractive sight. An unhappy Countess calling people stupid is just plain annoying. Bethenny helpfully advises old Lulu to put it in her book. I’m thinking that Lulu should shove that Countess title in a slightly tighter place, but that’s just me. But now, the Countess is moving fast. I’m telling you, this woman is on mission to publicly embarrass herself like few I have seen. It always goes over so well when somebody grabs the microphone away from the speaker and starts to berate the audience for being impolite.

I’m warning you, Count No Neck’s not here tonight, so don’t think I won’t come out there and bitch slap you quiet.

I wonder if she’s putting that behavior in her book too? It’s a good thing that the rules for lowly people don’t apply to aristocracy, otherwise her own continued yacking might look really awkward. My girl Bethenny hits it right on the head when she calls the behavior “Dis-countess like.” LOL.

Lulu accepts her award and once again reminds the audience to pay attention. Thank God that’s over and the hausenfrau plus Brad are free to hit the dance floor. Brad seems to have hit it, kicked it, and jumped on it, while Bethenny concentrates on getting the full effects of the fan blowing through her lustrous locks. But you know those things always come back to bite you in the ass.

Or at least yank on your hair.

We end this week with bubbe Gloria saying goodbye to Jill. Jill is of course heart broken and they indulge in the Jewish tradition of trading guilt. Gloria explains that you only give guilt when you care about somebody and you love somebody. What can I say? Sometimes in life, dysfunction works.

I’m so sorry this was late. Finishing the OC reunion recap just about killed me, but this week I should be back to posting on Saturday.

Hugs,

Yenta