This week it’s Halloween in hausenfrau land!! All of our ladies are ready and willing to entertain us with a variety of costumes, and, really, this week is a lot like our own private freakshow.
I’ve got my gummi bears, my tequila (because the good Lord knows this show needs the strong stuff), and some chips for throwing diversity. Shouts out to Twunty for the boobs pic, and “Cheers” to anybody willing to take the jump…
We start this week at Lulu’s townhouse with Rosie asking plaintively “is Vicki coming home this weekend?”
“Any minute now” Lulu tells her, because why bother to give your nanny/housekeeper/cook advanced information about household events. To be fair, I’m sure it’s easy for little details to slip your mind when your living on a liquid diet of champagne. It’s October and Victoria has managed to avoid coming home for two months. No wonder Rosie sounded so plaintive, all she’s had for company is a twelve year old boy and Lulu. I bet she spends seventy percent of her time picking up dirty socks and throwing out empty champagne bottles. I’m totally impressed that the Countess seems so together when she runs to answer the door; something that she’s clearly not accustomed to doing.
Victoria hugs her mother and like any normal teenager promptly throws her coat on the stairs. The Countess is horrified, simply horrified, or at least she would be if she wasn’t a wee bit tipsy. As it is, she’s inspired to break in song.
Seriously? A little more musical theatre and I predict Victoria is never coming home again.
Lulu tells us that she’s sure that Victoria misses Rosie at school, because without Rosie there’s no one to wait on her. Sure, Lulu, whatever lets you sleep at night. I’m sure that Victoria missing Rosie has absolutely nothing to do with missing the surrogate mother who’s actually raised and nurtured her up to now.
Victoria is a gorgeous young woman and school does seem to be a good thing for her; exposing her to new and exotic experiences and all. You know, like shopping for clothes at Goodwill. A revelation that inspires the following expressions from the Countess.
Poor Lulu. I think she would have been happier finding out that Victoria had been introduced to a crack house.
The BBC network has been busy touring America to talk about the economy, and at the suggestion of Jill’s sister they’re making a pitstop at JZ’s freshly renovated condo for a quick interview. Sadly, JZ seems to be under the impression that BBC stands for Better British Cottages.
I’m totally convinced that JZ’s sister set up this interview to make her sister look like an idiot. I’m not saying that JZ isn’t a warm, loveable person, but there’s no way she’s going to come off looking like anything but a totally spoiled nimwit in an interview that contrasts her lifestyle against the economy.
This interview is just painful to watch. When the interviewer comments that it’s hard to see the economic crisis around JZ’s life, she’s totally confused. Her voice has that hint of panic that comes with the realization that you’re lacking the most important accessory for the season, but you can’t quite figure out what it is. Before she can use her lifeline, she’s being asked if there’s “any guilt about this economy in this city that you lot caused.” Gulp! “Absolutely.” Gulp! Smooth JZ, real smooth. I’m sure that everybody who’s saved; handled their finances responsibly; worked hard; and watched their retirement accounts shrink like a perverse magic trick really appreciated JZ’s lecture on spending less than they have. I know I did.
Ah, well, moving on. What does JZ say to somebody in Africa who says it’s not fair she has so much money? Finally, a question JZ knows the answer to. Without blinking an eye, or giving it a second thought, she delivers the most politically incorrect answer ever: “Life’s not fair.” Thank God she added that little detail about a charity raising money for a schoolhouse in Africa, otherwise she might have come off as sounding kind of entitled. And really, it’s not that JZ feels like she’s entitled to her wealth and luxury. Nope. She deserves it because she does good things every day. Important things like holding open elevator doors for people. That might not sound like much, but I’m telling you when you’re late and rushing for an interview a person who holds the door for you is right up there with Mother Theresa. I love you, Jill, but you should NEVER. EVER. Talk about the economy.
For her part, Leather has been working hard to ensure that the legal community is solvent during these difficult times. Between her boy toy assault charges and being sued for ripping off the concept for her owl pendant, I’m guessing that Leather’s lawyer is her biggest fan. It’s probably a good thing that Leather is focusing on her career. She’s going to have some serious legal bills to pay, and new head shots are a good start. Of course, it can’t be easy trying to model with a prematurely cracked, cured, and dyed face, so it’s no surprise that Leather’s wearing jeans one step away from assless chaps.
Leather is quick to assure us that taking good pictures is not easy at all, especially when you’re supposed to look like a woman. Seriously, thank God she’s got that hair going on. But Leather’s not done with sharing the psychological trials of being a model. You see, being photographed breeds insecurity. Well thank God something is breeding insecurity for her.
All that self-love is just so inspiring for Leather. After all, nothing gives the promise of elegant party favors like your half nude body splayed across the invitation. I can’t even imagine my husband’s expression if I suggested this to him.
After that up close and personal look at Leather, I’ve got a whole new appreciation for how attractive Lulu is. Of course, Lulu has certain advantages. Her breasts aren’t struggling to leap off her body in different directions, she’s actually built like a woman, and her face doesn’t beg to be used as shoe leather.
Lulu and Victoria have hit the streets for a day of shopping and they start out with a local street vendor who promptly relieves the Countess of $150.00 for two necklaces. Way to support the local economy!! But the Countess has more important things on her mind. She’s on a mission to buy Victoria enough clothes that she never. Ever. Has to go to Goodwill again. You totally have to love the blond woman who keeps sneaking into the background. You just know she’s got her friends over, eating popcorn and watching for her cameo.
The Countess is convinced that there’s no treat that compares to watching your mother try on clothes in the dressing room. It’s truly amazing how each of these women suffer from rampant delusions. As bad as I’m feeling for Victoria, I feel even worse for her little brother. On the other hand, if Lulu keeps hauling Noel along to fashion shows we may have an early favorite for winning the kiddie version of Project Runway.
Halloween is right around the corner and that means costume party time. In JZ’s recession proof world that means serious business. We’re talking months of costume induced anxiety for her and her dog. Personally, I’m sure the people hosting any party that killer makes an appearance at are fervently hoping for a muzzle. But, sadly, there’s no sign of a muzzle in the totally ridonk outfit that JZ’s designer has come up with for the pooch. JZ is going as a blond bewigged Elle from Legally Blond and her dog is taking the part of Bruiser, in drag. I really can’t blame her for attacking the costume.
Five minutes of commercials…
Followed by five more minutes of commercials. Seriously, Bravo needs to give us something a little spicier for that one minute of footage that they’ve been sliding in each week. If they want me to sit through that many advertisements, I’m at least expecting a shot of Simon and Mario rolling around on the ground together. They don’t have to explain it just show it.
Over at planet Silex, Alex and Simon are doing some costume shopping as well, except that they’re calling it fashion. Simon has bought Alex that one special thing that no woman can do without;
Remember the good old days of Lucy and Ethel, when you could just grab a bag, snip a few holes, and go to dinner? Who would have thunk that a few decades later a burlap corset would be going for $7,000. Never mind that it must itch like crazy, the price is worth it because the money is all going to charity. So really, awww. And the designer Maggie Norris is totally right, a burlap corset definitely draws attention to non-profits in a very different way from the normal t-shirt or baseball hat, especially when you wear it to opening night at the opera.
Crazy Eyes has been spending her time holed up in her bedroom with her serial killer husband, her apparently normal daughter, and a home camera. You know, nothing good can come of this.
Thank the Lord, they’re not indulging in a passion for homemade porn. Instead, they’re making an audition tape for the Home Shopping Network, because Crazy Eyes has a dream. She dreams of a day when she only has one voice in her head, her husband no longer prowls the streets at night, and she has her own jewelry line on the Home Shopping Network. I’m telling you, I’m inspired just thinking about it. What’s more, it turns out that she’s actually managed to foist her jewelry line on to HSN. Just think we were there to see the original audition tape, which, sadly, looks pretty bad.
Crazy Eyes has a prepared shpiel for the tape, and she wants to run through it without anybody making faces or comments. I’m wondering if that includes the production crew, or if at this point in the season they’re all popping so much xanax that nothing fazes them. Crazy Eyes starts speaking slowly and clearly with all sorts of random pauses thrown in. “Jewelry (pause) Will (pause) Stay with you (pause) Forever.” Listening kind of becomes a game of figuring out where one sentence stops and another begins. However, Avery isn’t enjoying it and promptly complains to her mother about the long pauses. Crazy Eyes always open to constructive criticism promptly tosses her daughter out of the room.
Simon, Alex and their two boys are sitting out on their stoop carving pumpkins. Seriously, how do we go from burlap corsets to such a sweet normal family life? It’s nice to see that they’ve settled into life in Brooklyn. Now, if they could only finish their house, because it looks like Alex is aging by the episode and it’s asking a lot of granny to live in a demolition zone.
Something about the way Simon tosses his scarf over his shoulder and strikes a divaesque pose on the stairs while demanding, “How do I look, darling?” is making me a tad bit suspicious that he’s been sneaking some nips out of the apple brandy. Poor guy. Alex might want to give Sharon Osbourne a call to get some advice on how to deal with an aging lush for a husband. I’m pretty sure Sharon would never leave Ozzy alone on the front stoop in a befuddled state wondering where everybody went.
It’s time for the people/pooch halloween party. JZ, Bobby and Killer are decked out in their Legally Blond costumes. It’s too bad they couldn’t find a character for Brad to dress up as.
Crazy Eyes shows up, minus her husband, and dressed like Robin hood. I’m guessing that Mario is above the whole Halloween thing, and, really, for serial killers it must seem like a lame amateur night. Apparently Crazy Eyes skipped the chapters with the Merry Men, because she couldn’t think of another costume for her dog and was stuck dressing her as a “mini me” canine version of Robin Hood.
Crazy Eyes is thrilled with Bradley and his walking floral arrangement, that is until she sees Lady B skating behind him in her roller disco outfit. Holy Crap, Crazy Eyes can scream. Girlfriend just loves her some rollerskates. Thinking that his roses inspired this sudden burst of enthusiasm Bradley lights up in pleasure, until Crazy Eyes elbows him aside in a mad rush to hug Lady B.
Crazy Eyes tells us that when she saw Lady B’s costume she “almost peed her pants and laid on the floor.” Damn that medication. Just once, I would like to see one of these ladies snip that fine thread connecting them to reality and really go for it. Don’t be shy, lay right down and have at it.
Lest we forget about this season’s main event, the Creaky Joint Charity, we have a short segment with JZ and Lady B. scouting the Hudson Terrace as a possible location. I sure as hell hope that they don’t have far to walk because Lady B is looking like her feet are killing her.
JZ has got some definite ideas about the menu she wants as opposed to the menu being offered. I’m so glad I don’t work in customer service. If nothing else, reality TV has taught me that people are a real pain in the tuchus.
Alex and Lady B. are meeting over lunch to discuss the new Skinny Girl logo. Just once I’d like to hear Alex say, “I’m good” when someone asks her how she’s doing. Instead, there’s always some drawn out dramatic answer about how demanding their so called fabulous life is. Today she’s all like, “I always say we’re burning the candle at both ends and holding a lighter in the middle.” Well at least that explains why she looks like she’s aged about forty years since the beginning of last season.
Lady B is having a little love fest over Alex’ work, which is kind of weird since in a recent blog she seemed to be pretty down on both the logo and Alex. But whatevs, now she’s all like “you really get me. You can handle my humor because you’re thick skinned.” Thick skinned probably isn’t the reason that Alex can handle Lady B’s humor. After all, Leather’s got the thickest toughest skin around and as Bethenny points out, Leather doesn’t like her humor at all.
Speaking of Leather and her well weathered skin, the night of her Halloween party has arrived. The hausenfrau make their respective appearances. The Countess is the first to get her picture snapped. The photog is a fan of ANTM and he’s all about bitching that the Countess isn’t varying her poses enough. Sorry, fellow, Lulu could care less about your petty bitching. She’s already won her title, and not even a divorce can take it away from her. I’m pretty sure she flipped him the bird as soon as she was off camera. Bethenny’s still in her Roller Girl costume because this is a recession and she doesn’t need four costumes.
Leather’s idea of sending out invites seems to mean standing in the middle of Times Square and handing out cards to whoever wanders by. Between the totally random cross section of guests, the party boasts a cash bar and a lack of music. Totally. Lame. I’d be a tad bit pissed too. Especially when the fabulous hostess fails to make an appearance. Who knows maybe she didn’t feel like she could make good on the implied promise of her invite? Actually, despite what it says on her blog, it turns out that she was an hour and a half late because she had invited Plum TV over to her apartment to film her getting ready for the party.
JZ and Bobby arrive in some gorgeous period costumes, only to find themselves looking totally out of place like some antique dolls that accidently wandered into a pawn shop.
Alex and Simon show up dressed as Sara Palin and a moose. I wonder how Alex convinced Simon to forgo the cross-dressing part of Sara Palin in favor of crawling around behind her on all fours dressed in a moose costume? The only benefit that I can see is that he’ll be closer to floor when he inevitably drinks enough to start falling down. Still I’m not sure that’s enough to compensate for the complete destruction of his last shred of dignity.
Not only is Leather is still AWOL from her own party, but her party is sucking big time, and our high maintenance hausenfrau are less than pleased. Finally, the moment I’ve been waiting for! I get to hear the Countess utter those fateful words, “Off with her head!” Oh, Lulu, I truly love you.
By the time Leather finally shows up, the hausenfrau have gone on their various ways, with Lady B making a grand exit rollerblading backwards up Broadway looking like a lost tranny hooker.
Maxie didn’t bother with a costume because a loin cloth was so much easier. And nothing says paid escort for hire quite like wandering around virtually naked. Of course, he could have paid a little more attention to that loin cloth, even Tarzan managed a certain level of neatness. Leather’s chief concern is that that as a mother she has a responsibility not to look trashy in public. And kudos to her. Not everybody could pull off her costume without looking trashy. It’s a total testament to her manly shape and obvious implants that I’m more focused on trying to figure out if she’s possibly a post-op tranny than the complete transgression of taste and elegance she embodies.
Well, Gasmi, that’s it for this week. Only two more weeks to go, and I think it’s safe to say that our poor editors are scraping the editing room floor. On the other hand, I think the reunion is going to be a doozie. These women really don’t like each other. I can’t wait!!
Hugs to everybody for sticking out the season this far.
***To read Chapter Seventeen of Yenta’s novel, The Traveling Prayer, click here.