Real Housewives of NYC: Just When You Thought You Were Over Them…

Hey Gasmii:

Like a hungry family in the middle of the night, the Bravo staff went back to the Hausenfrau of NYC carcass and picked over its remains, pulling out a few overlooked pieces to serve up for a midnight snack. There’s not much here, but it in a time of Hausenfrau famine, I’m grateful for what I can get.

I’m still “crazy”

This lost footage episode is really a series of Real Housewife sound bites, they’re even shorter clips than normal and there’s a lot of them. It might be a wish come true if I had acute ADD, but it’s kind of a bitch to recap. For the sake of sparing the reader a surplus of contrived, connectors (“And then,” “Meanwhile,” “After,” “Next,”) and because the editors have generously supplied each clip with it’s own title, I’m simply going to do a min-recap of each segment…Hope that works for you, I can only come up with so many connectors before I start to feel motion sick.

Jill Throws A Party At Her Hamptons’ House.

Apparently, Ramona wasn’t the only hausenfrau to throw a dinner party last summer in the Hampton. Jill’s friend Gloria is visiting and she’s another really good cook. Anybody else notice that Jill likes to collect friends who are really good cooks and put them to work? So, Jill’s rushing around directing her troops to get the silverware polished, the tables set, and the red carpet ironed, because this is going to be one big ass fabulous dinner party. She doesn’t even know how many people are coming, which means that her friend/cook Gloria doesn’t know how much food to make. I don’t know about you, but the one thing that would seriously stress me in the kitchen is not knowing quantity.

Jill tells us that she’s invited Ramona because Ramona is in someway connected to some of the friends Jill has out in the Hamptons. And you’ve got to love the way Jill phrases that. God forbid, that the connection Jill’s talking about could be friendship. Seriously, she makes it sound like Ramona does their taxes. On the other hand, I’ve got to admit that it’s good-natured of Jill to invite her at all, because, personally, I’m not big on having crazy unmedicated people at my parties. It’s not so much the crazy, as the unmedicated, that I mind. In addition to the Ramona crew, Jill has also invited Betheny and her now unemployed litigating boyfriend, Jason.

Ramona arrives with Avery and Mario and, like always, she’s apologizing for being late; this time blaming it on Mario’s tennis game. The dinner is set up as kind of a casual buffet style meal, and Ramona’s already having some problems with it. It seems that she hasn’t quite reached the chapter on etiquette for casual dining. When Ramona realizes that there are a number of tables set up and no assigned seats, it’s just too much for her to handle. Her eyes start to pop, as she babbles incoherent lines about scrambling for chairs and asking someone to help her out. Then, snatching the napkin and a plate from one table setting, she calls for her husband saying that she found a nice table and they should take that one.

Unable to contain herself, Ramona hawks a loogie

Jill stands off to the side watching with an expression of amazed disbelief and tells the camera, “Take a plate. Get the food. Sit down next to someone you like. What’s the big deal?”

Seriously, WTF?

While the guests are toasting, Ramona gathers her husband and child and doesn’t let the door hit her on the backside as she escapes out to prowl the night.

The Count And The Countess Play Tennis.

The Count and Countess have decided to while away their time playing each other at tennis. There was a time when good sportsmanship was supposed to be a hallmark of the European nobility. However, after watching the Count, I’m pretty sure that that day and age has passed.

We start with a few benign bitchy exchanges that prompt the Countess to interview that whenever they play tennis the Count really feels the need to beat her. And then comes the first of what appears to be agonizingly frequent spats over whether the Count’s serves hit the line or go long. The Countess says the serve was long, while the Count pissily insists that it’s not long and it’s not for her to call it. I can just see the Count going all red-faced and throwing himself on the ground kicking and screaming, while his nanny rushes in to reassure him. The Countess sucks it up and apologizes saying, “I’m sorry, I thought it was long.” Now, did anybody else find her placating kind of creepy. I mean she clearly demonstrated better sportsmanship and good manners, but it felt like there was just a hint of the plebian wife, remembering not to correct her noble husband.

Noel, lurking nearby in the hopes that his parents might do something like notice him, tells the camera that he thinks its pretty funny when his father misses by a small amount and slams his racket on the ground. Seriously, what happened to the aristocracy being held to a higher behavioral standard? If you’re going to hold on to a useless title that sets you apart as someone special, don’t act like a spoiled brat.

The Countess interviews that their family is really competitive when it comes to sports, but she thinks that her husband is the most competitive. And, again, throwing tantrums is not necessarily an indication of competitiveness, it’s just an indication of being a douchebag.

So, the Count serves and not surprisingly, it’s long. The Countess, getting a little tired says flatly, “No.” And the Count demands, what does she mean by “No”? The Countess gives him a disgusted look and holding her hands about a foot apart, tells him him, “It’s this long out. This long.”

This ain’t your Royal Johnson I’m talking about

Jill’s Birthday Gift.

Okay, so I need to make a small confession here. I am a Jewish American Princess. I have the hair, the nose job, and the shoes. I even carry my little dog in my purse. For me, a trip to Filene’s Basement is a sacred cultural event. That being said, after this clip, I can humbly admit that I don’t hold a candle to Jill.

It’s not that I have a problem with letting my husband know what I want for my birthday. Because, hey, why not get what you want? Then everybody’s happy. But, I’ve never come close to pulling off Jill’s birthday machinations. After watching this clip, I only have one request. Note to Flipit: Will you be my gay husband? I need a new a watch.

We start with Jill and her gay husband, Brad, hanging out and Jill asks what they’re going to do about her birthday. It’s really amazing that Brad is able to so consistently disprove the myth that gay men are good dressers. But his orange blazer worn over the candy striped shirt is pretty definitive.

Homo Nomatchus; a rare new species has evolved

Brad hopefully reminds Jill of sometime in the past when they visited a sexy lingerie boutique in Paris. But, Jill’s not having it. She’s got bigger merchandise to fry than some frilly lingerie. She flat out tells Brad that she’s got her eye on a watch. Well, she’s got more than just her eye on it. She’s already ordered it. Now, she needs Brad to take Bobby on a birthday shopping expedition and talk him into buying it for her. Darling Flipit, I hope you’re taking notes.

Brad agrees to this plan, but he’s not giving up on the undies and he wants to know when they’re are going lingerie shopping, because picking out some sexy items for Jill will be his birthday present to her. And, BTW, Flipit, you don’t need to go as far as that. Jill demands to know if Brad is obsessed with tits, now, and if he’s sure he’s gay.

We fast-forward to some unspecified evening in the future when Bobby is taking Jill out to dinner at their favorite neighborhood restaurant, Casa La Femme. I have to admit that I’m kind of curious about a restaurant named House of Women. It sounds kind of like a brothel and that seems more like a Ramona thing. Bobby and Jill sit down at their table and order their meal, plus an additional dinner for Ginger, Jill’s Chihuahua. I have to admit that I can see myself doing the same thing; so, okay, you should be feeling pretty bad for my hubby about now. Apparently, this is a Middle Eastern restaurant, complete with the tables divided by tent-like hangings and a belly dancer.

I think this maybe more for Bobby than Jill, but who am I to say?

After the dancer finishes gyrating and their main course has been removed, our loving couple snuggles and Bobby mentions that he has a surprise for Jill. Getting up, he goes around the corner to retrieve a shopping bag, while Jill lights up in anticipation of her watch. But, oh crap, Brad made one big ass mistake. Jill is looking all kinds of disappointed and tells us that she could tell by the name on the bag that it contained, gasp, lingerie. Again. And she says out loud to Bobby, “This has got to be a joke.”

“But don’t you like lingerie?” Bobby asks sadly. “Did I read you wrong? You said Brad had the best taste. Brad picked it out.”

Jill tells us in voice fraught with disappointment in her gay husband that Brad missed the mark on the lingerie, then asks Bobby, “This is what he thinks I wanted?” Bobby assures her that it’s all part of the romantic evening and that he just wanted to surprise her, but Jill’s not feeling too romantic. And I have to admit that I can kind of understand this, nothing makes me feel more romantic than my hubby upping my credit card limit.

But, there’s more, before we jump to conclusions about Jill’s lack of appreciation, we should know that she’s got a serious case of lingerie PTSD. When she was younger she had been seeing a young man for close to a year and it was closing in on her birthday. For a present she was expecting a serious gift heading along the lines of a commitment, if not an actual engagement ring. The young man was very excited about the gift as his mother had helped him pick it out. So, it’s not unreasonable that Jill might have gotten her hopes up, only to have them dashed when the gift turned out to be lingerie. Now, for Pete’s sake, who the hell goes to their mother to help pick out lingerie for their girlfriend? I mean that is all kinds of creepy. While it’s good that that relationship didn’t work out, it left Jill kind of scarred around the combination of lingerie and birthdays. You might have to be a Jewish American Princess to really understand the pathos here, but I can promise you its there.

Anyway, despite her disappointment, Jill pulls herself together and gives Bobby a kiss and thanks him for the thought And, just as they agree to go on with their meal, the waiter brings them two plates of desert; a plate of baklava for Bobby and a plate with a small wrapped box for Jill. The box, of course, contains her $53,960 watch. But wait, just when you think its over, the waiter hands her another bag with another box. Jill gasps, truly surprised, and opens it to find champagne and white diamond earrings worth $6,500. Okay, Bobby’s racked up some major points and Jill promises to just wear the earrings and the lingerie for him later that night. Then Jill explains the cat and mouse game to the camera; when she does something nice for Bobby, he does something nice for her and vice versa. So, when they’re leaving the restaurant Bobby asks what she’s done for him lately and Jill answers that he should wait until he sees what she’s going to do for him later. You know, I bet a lot of marriages could be saved if the husbands were willing to blow $60,000 on their wives birthdays.

Flipit, I’m ordering these for my next birthday, kisses.

Simon Shops For Alex’s Birthday Gift.

After Jill’s birthday, watching Simon shop for Alex’s birthday is kind of a let down. There’s no gay husband, no deviously wonderful heterosexual husband, just Simon blathering on about how lucky he is to have such a beautiful wife and how he really enjoys dressing her to bring out her assets. Apparently, Simon is a man of habit and patronizes the same jewelers frequently or at least yearly, because he expects them to know him. Simon tells us that he knows Alex’s taste very well, since over the seven years that they’ve been married he’s seen them mold. The sales lady steers Simon toward the pair of gold earrings that he gave Alex on the yacht episode. Simon jumps on the concept of gold earrings to explain that Alex used to not wear a lot of gold. Instead, she used to wear a lot more platinum. But ever since she got a Luis Vuitton gold watch she’s had to accessorize for it. I have to say that I’m a little disappointed that he didn’t manage to drop a longer list of their designer possessions into the conversation. And when Simon winks at the sales associate, I become firmly convinced that she deserves a raise. She didn’t even blink and I know that just watching it on TV made me taste just a little bit of vomit.

Anybody else feeling nauseous?

We finish up with Simon assuring us that Alex loves it when he lavishes her, after all what woman wouldn’t. Well, you know Simon, I’m not one to pass on expensive gifts, but I think I’d prefer having my house finished to new gold earrings. But maybe, if they come back for season two, those pictures of Alex will have earned enough money to refurbish the house in style.

Ramona And Mario Pillow Talk.

The clip takes place after Ramona finishes chaperoning Avery’s school dance. Mario is laying on the bed reading a newspaper, when Ramona staggers in to their bedroom wearing seriously inappropriate chaperone clothes. If Avery were going to a catholic school, I would pay serious money for some pictures of the nuns’ expressions when Ramona walked in. I bet they all started crossing themselves.

Being married means never having to dial an escort service.

Ramona is a little disappointed that the girls outnumbered boys by two to one and complains that she doesn’t know how they were supposed to socialize when the music was so loud. Mario lost in visions of himself as a young boy at a dance chiefly populated by adolescent girls makes cursory supportive noises. Then Ramona takes out her camera and shows Mario pictures that she took even though Avery asked her not to. And mentions that even though Avery didn’t want her talking to her friends, her friends all approached Ramona when she giving out the drinks. Therefore, in Ramona’s twisted brain, she didn’t talk to Avery’s friends they talked to her. Avery still has to learn that when you’re dealing with crazy people it helps to not only lay out clear ground rules, but to also discuss any other possibilities that might arise.

Ramona snuggles against her husband and confides that the dance took her back to being single and she tells him that she doesn’t want to be where they are. Which is a really bizarre statement, if you consider that she’s talking about the desperate lonely angst of twelve year olds.

But the most bizarre thing is the really stilted obviously rehearsed speech that Mario delivers saying that it’s a good thing that their married and they don’t have to go looking at a dance. I can’t help applauding Mario’s good sense, chiefly because forty-year-old men who go looking for romance at seventh grade dances are commonly referred to as pedophiles.

Betheny Lunches With Her Ex.

What’s one of the most self-destructive things that you can think of to do when you’re feeling dissatisfied with your life? Hmmm. Oh, I’ve got it, how about having lunch with your happily married ex-fiance and listen to him rave about the heavenly bliss that his family life with children is bringing him. Possibly to brace herself for the coming revelations, Betheny is already drinking when Larry the ex arrives. Betheny asks how married life is and Larry tells her to think of the opposite of his relationship with her and she’ll get it, and by that he means that his current relationship rocks. Yeah, that’s just what I’d want to hear from my ex-fiance. As far as children go, Larry tells Betheny that being a father is the only thing that’s as good as advertised. Not surprisingly, Betheny’s getting a little jealous of all this happiness and the conversation moves to where she and Jason are. Does anyone else see the resemblance in Larry and Jason’s expression?

I think it’s safe to say that Betheny has a type; hair is optional

I can’t help thinking that this convo is probably not helping Betheny’s dying uterus obsession. Larry says that she doesn’t need to worry for another couple of years, but he’ll be happy to call her and say ‘tick, tick, tick,’ into the phone when she should start worrying. Nice. Then Larry goes on to say that she’ll be lucky if she has one or two kids of her own, plus Jason’s three, because its wonderful to be surrounded by your family on a warm cozy Sunday winter night when you’re all just hanging out. Betheny leaves the lunch with resentment in her heart and a churning uterus in her belly.

The de Lesseps Visit The Family Gift…(The statue of Liberty).

Okay, there’s just so much here that irritates me off, I can’t even get started. First of all, saying that the Statue of Liberty was a de Lessep family gift is kind of skewing some facts. The Statue of Liberty was first proposed to be a reminder of the friendship between France and the US that sprung up when they helped us to win the revolution. It was a joint effort between France and the US; they were supposed to build the statue and we built the pedestal and paid for it to come over. A wide variety of fundraising methods were used to pay for the statue in both countries including the formation of the Franco-American union in France. Ferdinand-Marie de Lessep was the chairman of the Franco-American Union and along with the sculptor, Bartholdi, came to the US to dedicate the statue. While it’s clear that Ferdinand was active in the fund raising, it was hardly his or his family’s gift to give. That being said, the present day Count is about to take his present day family to visit the “family gift.” Oddly enough, even though they live in Manhattan, they’ve never done this before, but there’s a first time for everything, especially when it’s on national television. The Countess tells us that Alex’s family presented the Statue of Liberty for French (not “for the French”, or alternatively “for France”) to the United States. So, they’re all really excited to go for the first time ‘en famillia’. We get a shot of Rosy trying to get the kids excited about the trip. Hi Rosy! Then the Count tells his children, “Can you imaging that you’re going with the guy whose great great grandfather gave the statue.”

Now here’s the really ironic part. Noel asks if the statue stands for friendship, which was in fact it’s original intent; the democracy and freedom thing came later. But his father corrects him, completely discounting the “friendship” part and telling him “freedom,” because this is a country where everybody is free to do what they want. The Count continues that right now in this country that’s highly debatable. Note to Count: While we’re going over this history, your family, and the state of our country, I have two words for you: Panama Canal. If you want the other side to the Count’s family do a search on that one.

The Countess tells us that being on the boat with her family going toward the statue is heartwarming and you can see that she’s basking in the importance of being a de Lessep. Sadly, Alexandra is not with the program and just wants to go to bed. What’s more she’s not too impressed with the size of the statue, in her modern day eyes it’s, well, kind of small. The Count offers to buy Alexandra nachos, but she’s in no mood to cozened up to with food and she repeats the family rule that they don’t eat between meals and calls him a hypocrite. Well, this just stops the Countess right then and there and she demands to know just who Alexandra is she calling a hypocrite? The poor Countess’ manners and etiquette alarm must be just clanging away at that one.

After they reach the island and admire the statue, the Count asks what the kids think about it. Noel, carefully regurgitating the lesson from the car, repeats that it means freedom. Alexandra, kind of awesomely, says that she thinks it’s a statue. But, it becomes clear that the important lesson of the day is pride in the historical ramifications of their family’s place in history. Now, if the Count’s great great granddaddy had actually been thrown in jail to serve the sentence that was handed to him, I’m guessing that they might be having a slightly different family history lesson. I’m telling you, that Panama Canal thing.

You do understand that the de Lessups are responsible for God creating the earth?

Jill Protests.

Jill takes her gay husband, Brad, to the United Nations to protest Iranian president Amenidijad’s talk at Columbia. There’s not much going on in this clip. They join the protesting crowd and listen to the Israeli national anthem. Jill tears up and then they go eat.

Alex Takes Francois To Art School.

In this clip, we’re treated yet again to the spectacle of Francois acting like a holy terror. Alex blathers on about how raising kids in NYC affords them so many opportunities, as she takes him to an art school for kiddie art classes. I just hope that Francois’ teacher is making a good salary. She remains calm and smiling even when Francois makes a determined effort too gouge her eyes out.

Just what do Alex and Simon think is going to happen to this kid when he tries this in the boys locker room?

Our awesome editors take this time to splice in a shot of Alex explaining what an engaging and well-behaved child Francois is. Lady, your child is the epitome of what teacher’s nightmares are made of. Forget the kids in gangs with guns. Spoiled, rich kids who have no manners, no self-control, and no boundaries, with delusionally fond parents, are what drive teachers out of the profession and into local bars. We end the segment with Alex carrying Francois off to the side and lovingly telling him that he needs to calm down. Francois assures her that he’s never calming down. Well if nothing else, this art class should be good preparation for the rehabilitation art classes offered in white collar prisons.

Betheny, Jill And Ally Cook And Dish.

Betheny shows up at Jill’s with a bag of organic groceries to teach Ally how to cook healthy dishes. But, before they get started on the cooking, Betheny takes a moment to ask Ally what they taught her at the spa. Ally says they had juices everyday and juice for dinner. Betheny is full of sympathy, telling the camera that you don’t think of high school as a time when you’re doing detoxs and eating green salads. But I’m not sure of that, I remember high school as a time when my friends and I tried every diet known to man and invented a few ourselves. Not that we were overweight, I think more than any we were just bored. I can remember eating nothing but string cheese and maraschino cherries for two weeks before a school dance. It’s amazing the red dye didn’t kill us and the site of string cheese in its neat little packets still makes me cringe.

Betheny starts cooking with Ally in the kitchen, while Jill putters in the dining room, planning how she’s going to put Ally’s new cooking skills to work. To keep Ally psyched about the cooking lesson, Jill tells her that, “No man’s going to want you if you can’t cook.” But Betheny disagrees, noting that the most common refrain among NYC hausenfrau is, “I make reservations, I don’t make food.” And, of course, she delivers the line in her best Long Island Jewish ghetto voice. Then, offering advice on a more practical note, she tells Ally, “One soufflé and a good blow job is all you need to get a man,” which, while not quite age appropriate advice, is hysterical. In the dining room Jill makes a horrified face and then cracks up. Betheny kind of awkwardly apologizes before following up with “Spouses with benefits.” I would have loved to grow up with an adopted aunt like Betheny. You know she’d take you to the coolest places and give you the best sex advice ever.

Changing the subject, Jill mentions that she’s heard that Betheny cooks meals for Jason and brings them to work for him. Betheny confirms this and says she loves him, but I’m think Holy Sh*t I hope my husband never hears this. And Jill must have been thinking the same thing, because she rebukes Betheny for making other woman look bad and if Bobby finds out she’s going to have to put out more.

Jill tells the camera that she and Ally haven’t had the official sex talk, but as Betheny and Jill discuss vibrators while they open a bottle of wine, I’m beginning to think that an official sex talk would be overkill. I mean in one short segment they’ve covered vibrators and blowjobs and the girl’s only fourteen. By the time she’s eighteen she’ll have everything she needs to take over for Dr. Ruth.

As we leave the girls, the fire alarm goes off. I don’t think there’s been a single meal that Betheny’s cooked on this show when the fire alarm didn’t go off. Not that I’m saying anything about her cooking, but professional chefs and fire alarms aren’t two things I normally put together in a sentence.

Another Hamptons Party.

One of Jill’s best friends throws a Hamptons blow out bash and Jill invites The Countess. Seeing the guests milling around in their gowns and jewels, I keep thinking how much I hate this kind of thing. The problem with small social circles and these kind of events is that everybody knows each other. They’ve seen each other in tennis clothes, running to Starbucks clothes, maybe even swimsuits. Nothing takes more away from your glamorous image in a Cavalli gown, than having everybody know what you really look like sans makeup and hair in a pair of too tight worn out jeans.

Jill takes the opportunity to introduce her gay husband, Brad to the Countess. Brad must have read somewhere about bowing in the presence of nobility, but he’s not really sure how to execute a proper bow so he keeps ducking his head in the Countess’ direction, which is really pretty funny, but at least he didn’t curtsy.

Please don’t let my dandruff be showing.

This party turns out to be the same party where Ramona and Jill see each other after Ramona didn’t invite Jill to her own party. Got that? Ah, these convoluted social dramas. Anyway, we saw most of this during season one. The night winds up with Jill and the Countess arranging to play Ramona and her friend at tennis, so that Jill can enact her public revenge.

Unseen Moments From The Reunion special.

Okay, we’re down to the last fifteen minutes of this special and I’m still waiting for juicy revelations, so it’s now or never. Andy Cohen turns to Jill and asks, “Is having a gay husband one of the rules of being a NYC housewife?” Jill laughs and answers, “I don’t know if it’s a rule but it’s a luxury.” Andy Cohen is clearly confused by the concept of a women liking the idea of a gay husband, because, you know, it wasn’t that long ago that having a gay husband was considered one of the worst fates to befall a woman. I think Andy’s truly curious when he asks exactly what Brad does for Jill. Jill tells him frankly that Brad is her girlfriend, but all this metrosexual converting of gender roles is a bit much for Andy who looks more confused than ever.
Betheny, who’s always practical, mentions that she thinks it’s problematic when Jill’s taking fashion tips from a man in a pink felt hat. And I have to agree. At the very least they need to get Brad to a stylist before season two.

Jill VS. Ramon Extended Version.

If, like me, you were hoping for some more over the top Ramona craziness, this segment is just disappointing. The editors basically replay the Jill/Ramona exchange explaining their relationship. I’m guessing that close to 98% of this footage was played on the show, there’s just more of the bitching.

Ramon Vs. Alex And Simon .

Ramona has arrived at Jill’s ‘girl’s night out’ dinner party and has been informed that Alex is bringing Simon. Ramona wants to know if Simon is trying to get inside Alex by being so attached to her. And she makes these delightful faces and clawing motions. However, one benefit of having seen this footage is that I finally figured out who the bottom half of Ramona’s face reminds me of.

Meanwhile, Alex and Simon arrive and Ramona launches her attack and we pretty much got the gist of this during the series, but Betheny has a classic line that’s worth mentioning. Trying to break the tension, she interrupts Ramona’s tirade to ask if she’d like champagne or lychee martini, or maybe a funnel to put it directly into her veins.

Ramona Versus Alex And Simon (Ramona can’t stop).

This is actually a pretty funny segment. Apparently, things have calmed down enough for Simon to apologize for upsetting Ramona with his presence. Ramona, always the one to graciously accept an apology, takes the opportunity to explain in some detail why she was upset. You see, Ramona is a person who anticipates things and enjoys what she does. And even though her husband would prefer her to be at home, he supports her nights out with her friends. She had the worst day ever at work, she had to leave her husband at home and all she had left was the anticipation of looking forward to an intimate dinner with girlfriends. That’s all she wanted a girls night out. Then getting into Simon’s face, she tells him matter a factly, “So, you were kind of like a buzz kill.” Simon desperately holding on to his complacent manners looks like he swallowed rat poison.

The Burning Question.

Andy Cohen’s voice narrates that they, meaning himself and the production crew, forgot to ask the burning question that everyone wanted answered. So, they brought the hausenfrau and Simon back to the couch. And they show us shot of everybody standing around looking confused and aimless before they’re re-seated. Then Andy rifles through his index cards and tells Simon that they got a pile of e-mails asking if he is gay. “Gay? Why?” Simon demands with a shocked, disgusted expression. But, he has a ready defense against the accusation and self-righteously informs Andy that “When I grew up I was into sports. I’ll still lie on the couch and watch golf or cricket. Cricket’s still my favorite sport.” That’s all nice and good, but WTF does any of that have to do with being gay? Oh right, because gay men only watch Broadway plays or opera, I forgot.

Andy, quick to realize the flaw in Simon’s reasoning, jumps into the breach pulling out his own trusty gaydar in Simon’s defense. But I think that this is more out of horror at the realization that Simon as a gay celebrity could only add to the anti-gay movement. So, Andy assures Simon that his gaydar doesn’t even ping when he looks at him, despite the fact that Simon loves fashion and Speedos. And, well, there’s also his creepy relationship with his wife that nobody knows what to do with. Andy assures Simon that a love for Speedos doesn’t make you gay. Simon agrees, “No, of course not. You know I’m 44 and I can still carry them off a little bit.” But I’m not sure that Andy’s agreeing with him on that one.

Maybe you really are queer…God, I hope not.

And, that’s all folks. Until next time…

Hearts and flowers, Yenta

****For Chapter 9 of YentaPatrol’s novel, “Honor Among Thieves”, click here.

To start from the beginning, click here!