This week we get to know a little bit more about Old Leather Face and even the Countess comes off looking good.
I’ve officially gone to the dark side, and I’m balancing a whopping pile of whip cream on an even bigger sunday. It just adds a whole new level of pleasure to be stuffing my face while I’m watching these skinny women dance for the cameras. On the other hand, its going to be a bitch to clean off my TV screen. Sigh! So, grab yourself some less messy food, or not, and join me after the jump…
This week the editors start off by attempting to convince us that Old Leather Face has an interesting story line.
They’re probably desperately hoping that she hauls off and punches someone, but no luck. All we get in the opening segment is a giant model horse. And, oh yeah, Leather and her assistant go through her pile of social invites. Really, the pile of invites has been done to death on this show, and nobody does it better than Silex. Seriously, if you aren’t reading them off against a background of active demolition, I don’t want to hear it. Leather mentions that people often wonder how she makes her money. Really? I was kind of assuming that she was burning through sugar daddies, but what do I know? Maybe an occasional freelance article and a column in a limited circulation magazine pays well enough to support a “fab” lifestyle in Manhattan nowadays. For her sake, I hope I’m right about the sugar daddy, because with Page Six Magazine being cut back to a quarterly publication, she’s going to have to cut back on her time in the tanning booth. I’m guessing that the horse shows up on Ebay any day now. But the really important information gleaned from this opening segment is that we’re starting New York Fashion week. Woohoo!! I have to say that even in my solid, middle-aged, dog walking, teenage driving, parental years,when sweatpants and jeans are the only possible sane options, I love watching the fashions that come out each season and following the designers. Sigh!! Fantasy world here I come…
JZ is all about fashion week as well. And she’s pretty much living out my current fantasy. Crap, I’m green to the gills jealous, and pausing to go find my emergency stash of Jelly Beans. Not only can JZ afford to visit Zang Toi at his studio, she is among his bestie clientele. I’m not positive, but I’m pretty sure that I can afford to look in his studio windows. Sigh!! I would so love to spend an afternoon being dressed and spoiled by the little guy.
In honor of fashion week, the Zangster is throwing a fashion luncheon for JZ and her recession proof friends. Sadly, the Zangster is all about starving in the name of fashion. After two weeks of dieting, I am soooo over that. I’m telling you, jelly beans over ice cream is totally the way to go. OMG, I’ve got to say that JZ is rocking his clothes. And here’s a new concept “age appropriateness.” JZ utters words that I never thought I’d ever hear on a housewife episode: “It’s a little too whorey for me.” Holy crap!! That is a revolutionary statement!! Countess I hope you’re sitting up and taking notes. Not that JZ’s above flashing a little flesh or a little snark. After all, she’s pretty sure that the rhinestone waterfall that Zang is foisting on her as a necklace is impressive enough to stand alone. Hell, she could have walked out naked with that necklace, but then again she’s not Alex. Easy there, JZ. Let’s not be giving Silex any ideas or next thing we know they’ll be pounding on poor Zang’s door in a desperate haste to buy the damn thing, and you know nothing good can come from that. Another naked picture of Alex isn’t going to be good for anybody’s retinas. Not to mention that Simon would probably fall for the Zangster and it’s just going to be really awkward for everybody. Zang isn’t above a little ass kissing either. He’s all about assuring JZ that she’s in a “runway” zero, which according to the assistant’s expressions translates to ‘if it helps get it out the door call it a zero’.
I probably shouldn’t worry to much about Silex stalking Zang, after all, they’re really beyond the whole Manhattan scene. You know, patronizing top designers is really passe. They’re more into discovering talent, that is
cheap enough to afford cutting edge and grateful for any attention up and coming. Or, as Alex tells us in her best patronizing voice, “people that don’t live in NYC might not know that there are cutting edge designers that choose to base themselves in Brooklyn.” Thank you Alex. If only I had known about the hidden world of high fashion and luxury lurking in Brooklyn all those years ago when I lived in NYC.
The designers that Silex have discovered go by the name Christina Dean. And their clothes seem nice, so I hope they do well. But it has to suck having your designs shown right after a segment featuring one of today’s top designers. Simon is lounging at his ease ready to give everybody the benefit of his eagle eye fashion sense. Even bounding out of his chair to demonstrate where the fabric is going to fall by grabbing at Alex’s rib cage. He does his pitiful best to turn on a lascivious expression and push up against Alex’s breasts with the back of his hand. Oh Simon you stud. Seriously, under other circumstances I would probably find this gross, but with Simon it’s just another eye-rolling event.
In a bizarre moment, Silex explains that they have just too many clothes to buy more, Alex kind of throws out that she’s still holding on to her maternity clothes. Ah yes, those elastic waist, pouch front, mom jeans. Now that’s a nostalgic moment. Since most women that I know actively look forward to burning the darn things, I’m starting to wonder if they aren’t foreshadowing yet another little bundle of dysfunctional joy. But no. In one of those head smacking TMI moments, Simon shares that since Alex took him to their vet and had him neutered any more offspring won’t be from him.
JZ’s plowing ahead with planning her charity event for Creaky Joints, and she’ s enlisted the help of Christina DeSimone, executive director of People Reaching Out, to get the ball rolling. People Reaching Out is a really cool organization. They’re specifically targeted at helping smaller lesser known charities that might have trouble getting funding. The first event meeting has Bethenny, Crazy Eyes, and JZ, along with Christina DeSimone, all working through the details of the event. In a heartwarming “Aha” moment, echoed simultaneously by the thousands of voices in her cranial chorus, Crazy Eyes suddenly connects the dots between her daughter arthritic pain, to Allie’s arthritic pain, to a benefit to raise money for research on arthritis. Illuminated by the glow of a thousand lightbulbs, Ramona blinks obsessively, then pops her eyes wide open, before sharing how the event became so much more personal to her. Yay relevance! I’m so proud of Crazy Eyes. She’s gone through an entire planning session without any of her “special moments”.
In the typical ADD Hausenfrau fashion, we’re already leaving the Creaky Joint planning meeting to go to Russell Simmon’s fashion show. This is the third Russell Simmons event we’ve had showcased this season. Now that Russell and Kimora are a thing of the past, I for one am pretty sure that Andy Cohen must having dreams of playing hide the schnitzel with Russell, because, seriously, 3 episodes? Oops my bad. Andy’s not the one hunting Russell’s schnitzel after all. According to Leather, the hausenfrau’s invites to Russell’s fashion show are solely due to her. Because, you just know, he’s her BFF. Too bad she didn’t get the invite to his Hampton’s party. I’m getting a little tired of Leathers’s verbal social masturbatory sessions. Her habit of name dropping is almost an obsessive compulsive pathology.
For a split second I thought Crazy Eyes was going to luck out and Silex wouldn’t be able to navigate the ropes to get into the show, but Alex is still sober enough to figure it out and manages to steer Simon into the tent. Poor Silex, being seated slightly away from the main hausenfrau clump, they’re running the chance of missing out on their share of the camera time. But clever inebriated Simon is always one to think on his feet. There’s nothing that the hausenfrau cameras love more than confrontation. Like a flash he’s up in Crazy Eyes’ face. Seriously, how many people walk up to someone who doesn’t like them and demand a kiss. Not too mention that it’s kind of creepy. I’ve never actually pepper sprayed my nightmare neighbor, but if he ever started demanding kisses, I just might consider it. I’m hoping that Simon moves on to harassing Old Leather Face. I hear she’s got an awesome right hook.
Crazy Eyes is babbling about wanting to “blank” Simon and at first I’m thinking that the editors are trying to bleep out some really obscene threat. Then I realize that Crazy Eyes just wants to blank him out, as in make him disappear. Personally, I’d be taking her words pretty seriously. I mean what if Mario wanted to give Crazy Eyes an early birthday present? But, like the lush down at the seedy local bar, Simon keeps pestering her. At least he hasn’t started falling down yet. Crazy Eyes is never one for restraint and you know with all those voices in her head she has any number of complaints about Simon to choose from. It must have been a relief for her yammer out her list: “You have no depth”; “I feel like you’re a shallow person”; “You’re too feminine”. With each complaint Simon visibly deflates just a little bit more and I’m feeling kind of bad for the poor fellow. It’s hard to watch a grown man tuck his tail between his legs and squat to dribble a small puddle of submissive pee. Thankfully, Alex manages to drag him away before he actually lays down on the floor and rolls over on his back to waves his legs in the air.
After getting his belly rubbed and lapping up a small dose of liquid confidence from Alex’s emergency supply, Simon is much more the thing. He wants us to know that Crazy Eye’s was clearly speaking out of her tuchus. After all, just look at his fashion sense, it’s just so clear that he’s a manly man with a deep personality. Hell, he even rates his own seat in the front row this season. No more being relegated to sitting behind his wife, Simon’s totally come into his own as a housewife. Now, could a shallow, feminine man have accomplished as much?
It looks like Count No Neck has once again fled the country, and with her daughter having fled to boarding school, the Countess has nobody to bring to the fashion show. She probably thought of bringing Rosie, because that would look great on camera, but then she’d have to pay her for overtime. Lucky Noel. Not only is he named after a Christmas carol, he’s been chosen to be his mother’s date. I’m sure a fashion show is a high treat for an adolescent boy. Right up there with skate boarding and break dancing. Russell Simmons must have be having a hell of a time filling up his front row seats, if he’s willing to comp old Leather Face six tickets.
Maybe our editors are thinking that more exposure to Leather is going to magically make her more charismatic, along with softening her skin and fixing her implant issues. It’s not, but I like seeing them try. I’m also beginning to think that Leather is being forced to carry out some contractual obligations that have to do with socializing with the other hausenfrau. She’s ostensibly meeting Lulu at the Malo store to shop for clothes, but she ain’t buying and she looks pissed as hell at being forced to be there. Leather kvetches that she doesn’t like shopping, she doesn’t like trying clothes on, and I’m thinking WTF? And why are you here? On the other hand, Lulu seems pretty sober and I haven’t heard the Countess title, or any snippets of Harlequin advice, so I’m proud of her. Maybe she found an AA meeting for d-list royalty. Lulu is working the diplomat angle telling us that Leather is really shy and it takes a while to get her to warm up to people. It’s probably embarrassing to go out in public with a face that looks like a saddle, so I’m feeling for the woman, but seriously stay out of the tanning room for a few months. It will make all the difference in the world. It’s really kind of touching to see how hard Lulu is trying to make this a fun outing for the narcissistic little tramp. It’s like watching a nanny with a really spoiled sulking teenager.
When Leather finally comes out of her sulks, Lulu asks if JZ called her about the Creaky Joints charity. ‘Oh No’, Leather says all innocently. Well, maybe. Leather isn’t so good about answering her phone, smirk, smirk. Hate! Seriously, talk about rude, nasty, social climbing, face time, wannabes.
I never thought I’d say this, but I’m feeling a little bad for the Countess. it seems like she’s been stuck with entertaining Leather. I’m guessing that Leather doesn’t think any of the other hausenfrau are worth her time. We’ve moved from the Malo store to the Malo fashion show. Lulu tells us that she’s happy to be sitting in the front row more often this year. Awwww, Countess that sounded kind of humble and nice. I’m glad that the ladies’ fifteen minutes is giving them a social boost. Well, except for Silex. Silex’ fifteen seems to have back fired leaving them entrenched them in Brooklyn. But at least they’re making the best of it. After all, how many New Yorkers get to live in a construction zone and float in a plastic pool. Lulu whiles away the time before the show gossiping about Crazy Eyes and Simon’s history. I’m so glad to know that gossiping behind people’s backs isn’t a breach of etiquette.
Leather can barely manage a polite smile, much less an expression of rapt interest. At least she kept her head turned in the Countess’ direction, even if her eyes were dangerously close to disappearing into her skull in an attempt to follow all the interesting people walking by. Realizing that Leather was close to injuring herself, the Countess took pity on her and brought the conversation back to Leather, asking about JZ’s charity event. At the sound of her own name, Leather’s gaze snaps back to the Countess and her expression becomes almost animated. It’s so nice to see a woman with a real passion in life. Sadly, it turns out that Leather’s not particularly happy about being included in JZ’s charity meeting. When she signed on to the show she didn’t really think that the producers were serious about that socializing clause. After all, shouldn’t it be enough that they’re getting to film her own fabulous life? Besides, Leather doesn’t have time to support her own charities. The Countess looks intrigued and asks, ‘What charities are those?’ Yes Leather, do tell. What charities do you support? Leather doesn’t even blink when she answers simply “I don’t do charities.” Right. Another nutjob. Yeah, I know we already knew that. I’m just confirming it in my own mind. Leather’s not done with her kvetching. Not only is she not happy about JZ including her in the charity event, she’s not happy about JZ putting her name on the list of people supporting it. It’s like JZ’s co-opting Leather’s celebrity status. You know, it’s got to be hard for celebrities like Leather and Angelina Jolie; everybody wants a piece of you.
JZ is back at the Zangster studio of eating disorders having her makeup done before the fashion lunch. And, of course, gay husband brad is there to do her makeup. Somebody needs to feed JZ pretty because the poor woman’s on the verge of fainting. It just isn’t good when you’re so delusional that you’re calling for sugar in the form of a diet coke. Like any good starve yourself for fashion New Yorker, JZ’s been indulging in that late summer pasttime of swooning on the afternoon sidewalks and then trying to convince herself that it’s just a heat allergy.
JZ lets us know that having a personal relationship with a designer is a privilege, which is kind of humble and nice, but next time she might choose a relationship with Russell Simmons. You don’t have to starve yourself for his clothes. This luncheon doesn’t have the usual hausenfrau ladies, which is kind of surprising. Especially when JZ explains that the prices might be a little beyond the regular girls’ price range. Then in a classic bitch slap, JZ quotes Crazy Eyes saying, “You can’t invite everybody to everything,” adding “so I didn’t invite Ramona”. Seriously, somebody needs to feed this woman, before her inner beyotch takes complete control. The lunch was a success. JZ looked gorgeous, the food looked gorgeous, and the models looked gorgeous. My only complaint is that Zang traded in his kilt.
Leather’s on her way to an interview and she’s opted for that casual just rolled out of bed look. You know the one where you grab you partners shirt and putter around the house. Since Leather’s near six feet, I’m guessing she’s dating the Jolly Green giant.
She’s interviewing the designer Jill Stuart and it’s classic Leather meh segment. She does take the opportunity to tell us that she gets a lot of interviews with people who don’t do interviews because she’s associated with integrity and quality and
kisses their asseswouldn’t write anything that she wouldn’t want to be written about her. After all everybody she interviews immediately becomes her best friend, and she’d never say anything bad about her besties.
Leather’s hair must be standing on end, because JZ and Bethenny are busy dishing about her over a cozy dinner at Cirque. JZ is thinking that Bethenny has a little competitive issue going on with Leather, but whatevs. I’m thinking that Leather could earn a little dislike all on her own. Bethenny’s dishing about how Leather not only snubbed her in the past when Bethenny was no more than a pretty face on her boyfriend’s arm, but she also attempted a driveby on Bethenny’s then boyfriend. Yawn. Seriously, Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie, and Ryan Seacrest on the red carpet. now that was a snub. Kelly Bensimon, who? That’s more of a ‘what a beyotch and move on’ kind of scenario. JZ could care less about the snubbing, she wants to know why the woman doesn’t she wear a braurrr. It’s a tough word for a Long Island girl to pronounce. In principle, I totally agree with JZ. Given their tendencies to go their separate ways, I really don’t want to see one of Leather’s breasts wandering around on its own.
Moving on to the Jill Stuart fashion show. One of Bravo’s PAs must have put in a call to Jill Stuart’s publicist because out of the blue Bethenny got an invite. How cool is that? Bethenny arrives and takes a moment to type something into her blackberry. Glancing up she looks less than thrilled to see Leather descending on her. Not too worry though. Before Bethenny can fully raise her head to return Leather’s greeting, Leather’s flitted off in search of more interesting face time possibilities. With Silex seemingly blacklisted from most Manhattan events, Crazy Eyes doing her best to act sane, and Kelly refusing to interact with anybody lower than a Countess it’s been a tough season for the producers, but they’re going to give us some drama if they have to draw up seating charts for the rest of the episodes. What a coinkydink that Leather ends up seated right next to Bethenny. I love those awkward, totally makes me squirm, kind of conversations. Seriously, talk about arm wrestling your way through a social event. Leather is trying to invite Bethenny to a party, which would be nice if she wasn’t so intent on enacting the role of Lady Bountiful doing a favor for her social inferiors. Bethenny doesn’t actually haul off and give her the finger, she does worse. Nothing puts the kibosh on name dropping as a pastime quite like knowing the people better than the name dropper. For her part, Leather is just thrilled that they have mutual acquaintances. Yeah, right! Leather just can’t understand why Bethenny isn’t nicer to her, after all, Leather’s taking the time out of her busy celebrity life to actually talk to Bethenny.
We end this week with a second event planning meeting for JZs creaky joints charity. LIke any other super important celebrity, Leather manages to rolls her own creaky joints into the meeting roughly a half hour late. Personally, it surprised the hell out of me that they got her to she show up at all. Bravo must be seriously enforcing their contracts. But Leather wants us to know that she’s not one of those flaky people who are late all of the time. Nope, she’s one of those way too busy, important people. You know, Leather and P. Diddy; so much in common, so little time. JZ takes a moment to explain to Leather that Allie’s arthritis is the incentive for the event. Like any other person, who’s completely divorced from normal feelings of empathy and concern, Leather utters a charming “How cute!” WTF? Seriously, my friends dog is going to have puppies, so I’m collecting newspapers for the whelping box. How cute!! My child has arthritis, so I’m working on an event to raise funds for research. Wow, that’s awesome; that’s great; I wish you the best; I’m sorry for Allie’s struggles. Anything but “how cute!”. Sadly, Old Leather face isn’t done there. Nope, she’s on a mission to teach those producers that they can lead
a horse her to water a planning committee, but they can’t make her participate. Christina Desimone explains that all the women present will be co-chairs of the event and that their names will be on the invitation. And Kelly is all like “No. I don’t ever lend my name to events.” The other woman blink and look at her in astonishment, but Leather is firm. After all, how else is she going to protect her name from overexposure.
Realizing that that the women in the room are
thinking she’s a fruitcake are just way too ignorant to know who she is, Leather adds that she came to the meeting to find out what’s going on. And even though she met Allison once before and she thinks she’s just adorable, you know, like my friend’s puppies, Leather’s not adding her name. JZ is awesome. She just says ‘fine, it’s better if it’s just the five of us’. I so hope that Bravo is thinking the same thing. Leather babbles on about being happy to attend the event, and if you ask her to do something she’ll do it, but don’t assume she’ll do anything. Now that she’s an important celebrity she’s doesn’t have to do the kinky ses stuff anymore. Besides she literally has about two more minutes before P. Diddy picks her up in his helicopter. Not really, but it would have been a nice touch. The woman next to Bethenny leans over and asks ‘Who the fuck is she?’ Bethenny answers without missing a beat, “Evidently she’s Madonna.” LOL.
Leather doesn’t like being laughed at, which is kind of strange because I’m guessing people have been laughing at her for a really long time, but probably behind her back. Anyhoo, she’s a little sulky that the hausenfrau aren’t more appreciative of her, and JZ’s affair is just way too much pressure. Leather doesn’t need people pushing her or calling her names. and it’s all Bethenny’s fault. Bethenny’s just a big, blue, bullying meanie, but Allie’s still adorable like a puppy. Awwwww.
Well, Gasmi, that’s it for this week. I love you all and totally appreciate everybody that stepped up and ate something fattening for me over the last couple of weeks. I’m now working to return the favor.
***To read Chapter Thirteen of Yenta’s novel, The Traveling Prayer, click here.