Real Housewives of NYC: One Day You’re A Cover Girl And The Next Day You’re Picking Up Dog Poo.

Dear Gamsi,

I love food and I hate diets. Sadly, despite my best intentions, I’ve gained an impressive three pounds this week. So, for the present, I’m sucking up pears and champagne (shouts out to Kizarny) and seriously missing my gummi bears. But, like any good brainwashed bravolite, I’m all ready to find some inspiration in this week’s episode of the NYC hausenfrau.

At least somebody’s losing weight.

I’m hoping that somebody out there is noshing on some chocolate, creamy, yummies, while somebody else is scarfing up a plate of nachos, and somehow that contented stuffed feeling will magically transmit to me…

In the last four episodes we seem to have pretty much blown through the summer season in the Hamptons. This clip marks the last weekend before the kids return to school and round the clock life in the big apple resumes its cycle. I think it’s safe to say that life in the Hamptons is not real exciting. I’m assuming that the last four episodes constituted the culmination of the most exciting footage that the editors managed to cull from the hours and days and weeks of hausenfrau footage. And, well, seriously….not a whole lot going on there.

Or maybe this has some deep symbolic meaning that I’m missing.

Which is probably why we’re watching Bethenny and Ramona walk their dogs and dish about the evil Count-ass. It’s heartwarming to see how the lives of dog owners are bound together by little bags of poo. Seriously, scooping poop is a ritual that passes all ethnic, economic, and religious boundaries. Watching Bethenny and Ramona scoop away, I feel just that much closer to them.

The Count-ass might have called Crazy Eyes rude, she might have dissed her ocular wackiness, but none of that matters next to Lulu’s suggestion that Mario might not be that good looking. Personally, in the general scheme of things, I’m kind of with the Count-ass on this one. Mario gives me the heebie jeebies. Still, if I had to choose between him and Count No Neck…Forget it. I’d shoot myself.

Bethenny is on the ‘Mario is hot’ bus. Really? Bethenny? You’re sure you want to go with that? But look!! The dogs are pooping!! You got to love how discreet the editing is. They catch the position, but totally pan away from the money shot. LOL. We’re even spared the site of Ramona carefully picking up her dogs poo, which I’m grateful for. But then there’s the evidence all wrapped up nice and tight. The excitement of this morning walk is killing me. But wait! It gets better. Just as the ladies agree that Mario is ultra mega hot, he pulls up along side them in his Porsche. Seriously, it’s like a punch line in a bad joke about male compensation; something about a chicken, a horse, and not needing a Porsche if your well hung… Anyhoo, Mario jumps out of car and Bamm!! I suddenly realize who he reminds me of:

Everybody thought Ted Bundy was hot too.

So, now, not only am I totally creeped out, I’m totally pissed at the editors for making me watch a poo fight between Ted Bundy Mario and Crazy Eyes.

I’m thinking that the editors better pick up the pace a bit. After all, the OC housewives are still making headlines:

For those of you that missed the Gretchen/Slade pictures.

Twunty, darling, I owe you a supersized coffee mocha cheesecake for sending me that little nauseau inspiring snippet.

Over at the Count-ass’ house Lulu is making some hapless gestures toward getting her daughter Victoria ready for boarding school. Rosie is standing out in the hall patiently waiting for the Countess to stop making token noises of interest before toddling off to find her stash of schnapps. Lulu must be cutting back on her morning indulgences because she actually noticed the empty hamster cage. Holy crap! Rodent on the loose. I totally know how the Count-ass must have felt. I’m pretty sure that we’ve had a snake on the loose for the last couple of months. I’m not absolutely positive, but I just can’t get myself to look under the water dish to make sure. Either he’s dead or the cage is empty. The cage hasn’t started to smell, so I’m guessing it’s empty, but I’m trying really hard not to think about it. On the other hand, if I accidently find him in a random drawer, every one of you is going to hear my scream.

Oh, wait, the hamster isn’t loose. It’s dead and nobody thought to mention it to Lulu. Seriously, how much is this woman drinking during the day? I mean they had a frigging funeral for the little guy. I’m talking a grave and a cross. How do you miss that? Hell, it’s not just the hamster she missed, the fish died as well. More to the point, if my kids’ pets were dying off and they didn’t mention it to me, I’d be really concerned. I hope somebody notices when Count No Neck finally passes away. Or maybe the kids will just bury him in the yard next to the hamster.

The Countess is relieved by the fuzzy little guy’s demise, because she wasn’t going to know what to do with it when Victoria went off to school. This is such total crap. The Countess wasn’t going to get within two feet of the cage. You know Rosie was going to be the person taking care of him. Taking care of a hamster is way beyond what the Count-ass can manage in life, somewhere up there with laundry.

You can’t blame the little guy.

Lulu and Victoria retire to the deck to catch some sun and have a little mother/daughter bonding time. Lulu makes sure the cameras are rolling and then tells her daughter how happy and proud she is that she’s going away to school, but she’s sure that Victoria’s going to have a great time. Victoria’s all like “Hell Yeah! Get me out of this nightmare!” I’m thinking that homesickness isn’t going to be much of an issue for this young lady.

Leaving the dis-Countess in the cheapness that is the Hamptons, we go to the ultra luxury of Brooklyn where Silex are living it up. Apparently, the much flaunted St. Barts vacay has already come and gone, with nary a photo shot in sight. It’s almost like they went to all the trouble of packing up Simon’s pink jeans, grabbed the kiddies, hopped in the car and drove once around the block before jumping out with a cheery “We’re home!” No, not even the Bravo producers would be that sneaky. After all, as painful as it may be this is reality TV. But I do miss those touching family scenes from last season when Alex struggled to form a simple sentence in French and her children stared back at her in total confusion.

Of course, now that they’re back the big question is ‘how is their renovation is proceeding?’

Holy Cow!!

OMFG

They’re kidding, right? Because, seriously, I’d be pissed as hell at my contractor if I came back to that mess. What? They didn’t use a contractor? Silly me. Of course not. Alex and Simon are way too wise and experienced in renovations to bother with hiring a general contractor. Especially, when they’re going to leave the country and leave the job site unsupervised for two weeks. Best idea ever. Who would have thunk that they would have come back to a complete nightmare? After taking a moment to attend to the pressing issue of reading out loud the social invites that arrived while they were gone, Alex comments on how surprised and disappointed they were by the state of their renovation when they returned.

Maybe it’s an open concept.

Lulu has packed up and moved back to her townhouse, and Victoria has packed up and fled to boarding school, leaving Noel to cope as best as he can. Poor kid it’s breakfast time on a school day and he’s doing his best to make his school clothes look cool.

The Countess is doing her best to look like a concerned parent by asking to see his homework. I don’t think she understands that a concerned parent usually sees it before it’s done, but, hey, at least she’s looking and I don’t see any champagne bottles hanging out so we’re doing pretty well. On the other hand, the smell of Aston’s dog food is enough to send her in to a hissy fit, so maybe Rosie better mix up a quick mimosa just to keep the morning moving along in a peaceful manner.

And then we have one of those awkward moments when the Countess tries to look like the great egalitarian. Trying to look super casual she just happens to ask if Rosie is a Celine fan, because the Countess just went to a Celine concert. Rosie nods looking a little confused. Well, you know, the Countess totally would have taken Rosie to the concert, if only she had had an extra ticket. Because the Countess has no problem socializing with anybody, as long as Rosie walks two feet behind her, remembers to curtsy, and only speaks when spoken to.

It’s got to be a shocker to walk into your condo and discover that your close-to-being-divorced-and-kicked-to-the-curb gay husband has stripped your apartment cleaner than an abandoned car on the Bronx River Highway. I’m thinking that Brad should be seriously grateful that JZ didn’t shotgun his tuchus out the window. I’m feeling for her. All JZ wanted was to go from “traditional girl to mid-century modern girl” and she ends up as ‘my gay husband sold everything on ebay’ girl. Brad must have watched the OC reunion special and figured if that bimbo Tamra could sell her used implants then he would get a great price for JZ’s used furniture. Brad’s all about reassuring JZ that everything is going to be fine and her belongings are in storage somewhere. Sounds a little vague to me, but JZ is taking it in stride. She tells us that Brad doesn’t like to admit when he’s wrong and her job in life is to make him admit when he’s wrong.

I’m thinking a taser might help the process.

This week our crafty editors are mixing things up a little. Instead of showing the obligatory weekly group event as the last segment, they’re plunking it in the middle of this week’s episode. Sting and Russell Simmons are giving a joint party to launch a new artist and all of the hausenfrau are present, except for Bethenny. Simon helpfully explains that the PR department in charge of these events likes to reach out to recognizable figures. Personally, I’m thinking that Russell Simmons must owe Andy Cohen big time to keep coughing up these invites. I totally love that some lady actually thinks that Simon owns the hotel he manages. Now that’s awesome self advertisement. Of course, it’s probably a little embarrassing if the real owners happened to see this episode.

But I’m sure Simon’s the kind of guy who likes to live dangerously.

Ramona is avoiding Silex like she’s caught in some weird game of pass the STD and they’re it. Meanwhile, Silex is talking to Lulu about the childrearing book that they’re busy hawking, but despite appearances they don’t actually have a deal for. Funny how that happens with Silex. Somehow the reality that they subscribe to never looks quite as good as they might like when viewed from planet earth. I’ve actually been thinking a bit about these two. I know, I know. But right now my life is stressful enough that I’m happy to obsess on any random thing. The thing is, if these two would just STFU about their invites, designer clothes, St. Barts vacays, and non-granite counter tops, I could actually like them. They have decent jobs as a graphic artist and hotel manager, they’ve made an interesting investment in their real estate in Brooklyn, and to finance the necessary renovation they’re having to live through some crazy and less than ideal circumstances. It could be a decent story line. Seriously, I find them alot more interesting as hard working, middle-class people than as a couple of faux socialites.

On the other hand, even when they’re rolling in pretension, I still find them more appealing than the Countess. So, when Lulu’s snarking that she doesn’t think Silex should be considered an authority on child behavior since their kids are out of control, I’m thinking that thats a perfect example of the pot royally screwing the kettle.

Kelly makes an obligatory appearance and spends some time talking to Ramona, which is pretty much a meh conversation. She even pulls out a tired description of NYC being a co-dependant city. I’m pretty sure she’s pulling her lines from old episodes of Sex in the City. Kelly asks Crazy Eyes if she and JZ are good friends, and Ramona cocks her head and waits for her resident cerebral chorus to come to a consensus. “No”. Okay that was pretty definite. I’d guess 90% of her voices agreed on that answer.

No crazies here.

Alex and Simon are dying in the heat of the party. Or at least Alex is dying. Simon is more interested in redeeming his macho ladies man reputation. Making sure the cameras are pointed in his direction, Simon makes a grab for his wife. Way to play it safe, Casanova. How far are things really going to go on the floor of Sting’s party? JZ is having to listen to Serial Killer Mario blather on about a tennis match and JZ is being pretty patient about the whole thing. Of course, the thought that Mario might hunt you down and kill you probably inspires a certain level of politeness in most people. In the midst of all the heat and scintillating drama, the Count-ass and Kelly quietly hook up and sneak off to wherever socialites sneak off to when they desperately want to ditch the people they’re being paid to hang out with.

It seems like Lulu and Kelly are getting along just swimmingly. Lulu has even made the difficult trip downtown to visit Kelly at her apartment and it’s like a whole new world. There’s even a TC crossover in the form of executive chef, Sam Talbot. He’s looking a little scruffy and not nearly as attractive as I remember, but whatev, he’s all ready to give a cooking lesson. Lulu makes the obligatory fuss over Kelly’s dogs and then makes the same obligatory fuss over Kelly’s daughters. I’m feeling kind of bad for the daughters. Instead of giving her dogs matching sweaters, Kelly’s forcing them on her daughters. She probably gets as many oohs and ahhs on walks, but it seems kind of hot for the girls. Anyhoo, Sam gives them a quick cooking lesson while Kelly sings his praises and rubs her breasts up against him. Of course, she can only rub one at a time and has to turn wildly side to side, but maybe someday she’ll find a surgeon who can fix that little problem. No Kelly segment would be complete without a little self masturbatory praise about the talented wonderful people she knows. I’m beginning to think that Kelly is like a professional cheerleader. She doesn’t have a whole lot to offer on her own, but she’s really good at singing the praises of the people she knows and if she stands close enough to them maybe some of their shine will rub off. Or maybe she’ll just beat it out of them. Lulu is way too disoriented to be functioning at her best. She’s left the Upper East Side which means that she’s fallen off the edge of the earth and she doesn’t know how she’s going to get home. I’m not sure Kelly’s answer about Soho/Little Italy helped the Countess out. It’s kind of like her driver took a wrong turn at Broadway and ended up in Bangladesh. Well this is just a fabulous lunch. Kelly’s sitting on her daughter’s every move, which is a total relief for Lulu. If she doesn’t have to worry about controlling everybody she can just chew her cud and let it all hang out.

Lulu, darling, you’re dropping your cud again.

Crazy eyes has got a hankering for a new pair of trendy boots so she’s taking her daughter, Avery, shopping at Steven Dann custom shoes. Holy Cow, Avery is growing up and you can see that she’s going to be totally hot. I have to say that, if she was my daughter, I’d be making plans to stick her in a high security convent before her next birthday. Seriously, that girl is going to be a knockout and keeping the boy issues down to a reasonable minimum is going to be a full time job. Crazy Eyes offers up the obligatory JZ bashing, and Avery does her best to restrain Crazy Eyes tastes. It’s clear that age appropriateness is not a concept that Crazy Eyes has totally embraced. She thinks it’s hard for Avery to have a gorgeous sexpot of a mother. I think it’s hard for Avery to have a middle-aged mother who insists on dressing like a sexpot.

Bethenny is over the airbrush scandal and she and Lulu are doing lunch. Lulu demonstrates a basic talent for recapping by continuing to totally snark about Silex’s proposed child rearing book. Sadly, recapping and etiquette rarely go hand in hand. Of course, if Countess Lulu joined the Gasm she could so chew with her mouth open and nobody would complain. Well, maybe Flipit would. He’s such a stickler for manners and all. LOL. Love you, Darling! Bethenny, who’s never made any claim to etiquette, takes the opportunity to give us one of the best lines ever, stating that Silex should be “writing a book about crawling through an air conditioning vent to get into a party.” Note to OC Tarnished Tamra: That is why Bethenny is the Queen of One Liners.

Oh, well, forget Silex; there’s serious business to discuss. Lulu wants to give Bethenny advice for her impending date. And what cringe worthy advice it is. I take it the Countess has been hitting up those soft porn romance novels again. She’s all about talking softly, making him lean in, showing your cleavage, acting mysterious, and pretending to be submissive. After all, on page forty six of the book she’s reading thats what made the prince totally fall in love with the princess who was disguised as a tavern slut. Bethenny’s all like ‘does this woman even know who I am?’ Yup, the Countess knows, she just believes in pretending to be something else until after you get married. You know, the Count must have had a hell of shock when he woke up next to the real Lulu the day after he said “I do.” Setting woman’s rights back about fifty years, Lulu explains that men are just too fed up with woman being too equal, and if she’s going to get what she wants from the Count she has to let him be the man sometimes. Way to share that patronizing little detail on nationwide tv. I’m totally sure that the Count appreciates it.

And then I tell him that 12 centimeters is the same as 12 inches and he gets really happy…

Bethenny’s not having it. She’s like ‘I don’t think the Countess has a better life than anybody else and I’m not going to drop everything I’ve worked for just to run away with a man.’ You go, girl!!

After all this build up I’m a little curious about this new guy in Bethenny’s life. But then we get to see the date, and I’m totally suspicious. Seriously, if a man agrees to have his first date with you filmed, I’m guessing he’s not too serious about getting to know you. Unless you’re following in the footsteps of Paris Hilton, a camera crew has got to put a damper on any real chance of intimacy; not to mention kind of squashing any chance of feeling comfortable. I’m thinking that this guy asked Bethenny out for some free advertising. Either that or he’s a chef who really loves spending his off time back in his restaurant cooking in front of a camera crew. Way to relax!! Oh Well Chef Mark seems like a nice enough guy. But after watching Hell’s Kitchen, I’m can’t help being suspicious of any chef that doesn’t swear. Bethenny’s all like well watch out around me because I swear like a ***@*@4&& sailor. No problem there. Chef Mark likes it when girls swear.

Thats fucking great.

Wow, this episode is just all over the place. Bethenny’s working a booth at the Here Comes The Sun health expo and Alex is coming to help. It looks like our producers are doing their best to integrate Silex into the other storylines, and this time there’s no Simon. I bet some PA had to tackle and physically restrain him to keep him out of the way of the cameras. Alex doesn’t seem to be doing much in the way of helping, but she does listen to Bethenny dish about her non-date and conclude that she’s not really that interested in Chef Mark. No big surprise there. Alex is all like it doesn’t matter how interested you are, if he can take you to dinner by all means lead him on. And then she explains to us that, while she and Bethenny are very similar in some ways, Alex is “more of a hunt and kill type person” followed by her weird chipmunk laugh. And OMG I’m having visions of rabid rodents scuttling around.

Alex shares the short version of the Silex love story. In turns out that they met by chance when they were both cruising on line looking to hook up with virtual strangers for one night stands. How romantic is that? I bet they never get an invite to the Countess’ house after that little story. Not surprisingly, Alex and Simon fell in love, because there’s no denying that they would be totally made for each other, if only Alex was a man. Details. Details. Alex relates a tearful and touching moment on their wedding night when she told Simon to please take good care of her heart because he now owned it. Her virginity on the other hand. Well that was gone as soon as she was old enough to log on to the internet.

At this point, Bethenny’s had enough advice and she’s ready to just go with the flow. Whatever happens, happens. Que sera sera.

“The lithium and the lobotomy were very helpful.” LOL

For our final segment of the week, JZ descends on Silex in her official capacity as a Zarin fabric representative, bearing bagels, lox and cream cheese. And, OMG, I would so do that. Seriously, before business, eat. Actually, before anything, eat!! To give her credit, JZ is doing her best not to be judgmental about the state of Silex’s disaster area. After all, thanks to her gay-may-soon-be-divorced-husband, she’s living in a construction zone herself. But then, holy cow, the doors open and a real construction site is revealed. JZ’s horrified about the kids living in such close proximity to exposed everything: wires, nails, demolition…Perhaps it would have been prudent to move out for a month or so. On the other hand why deprive the children of real life tinker toys. I’m sure that Frankie will have great aptitude as a multilingual engineer, as soon as he overcomes that pesky dust induced asthma.

Leave it to Alex to turn a dust mask into a really awkward fashion statement.

Seeing the extent of the renovation, JZ makes a really telling remark when she comments that she doesn’t see a dumpster. I’m surprised as well. All that stuff that comes down needs to be hauled away and normally dumpster costs are part of a renovation. Something is definitely a little weird if there isn’t a dumpster somewhere around a renovation site. Alex and Simon are proudly indicating the original moldings that they’re planning on saving, and JZ is doing her best to be tactful. Just because something’s old and original doesn’t make it good. If the house was built in a wealthy area with mahogany and gold leaf, then by all means work hard to recover those original touches. But if the house was originally decorated with cheaper materials. then you might want to strip them and put nicer things in. I can see both sides. It’s kind of cool to have some of the original decoration, but replacing the original materials with newer nicer materials has some merit, as well. Silex isn’t so much about listening to her advice. Even though Simon kind of grudgingly admits that if JZ babbles off 20 ideas and they take one, being forced to eat all that slimy fish was worth it.

Looking at the state of their house, JZ’s fairly pessimistic that it’s going to be finished by the end of the month. But that’s the least of her concerns. The sight of their sleeping quarters, with a bunk bed hidden under mounds of all of their expensive clothes, you know the ones they call wearable art, brings her to the brink of totally “doying”.

“Can you imagine them having sex on that bed right next to the children? I don’t think that there’s going to be any more children in the Van Kempen family.”

Thank you, JZ, for that wonderful thought. May their renovation last forever.

Well, Gasmi, that’s it for this week. My tape broke part way through watching the second time, so I hope I didn’t miss anything. I love you all madly, and I’m running out for a midnight emergency Gummi Bear run. I’m a much nicer person when I have my Gummi Bears.

Hugs,

Yenta

***To read Chapter 12 of Yenta’s novel, The Traveling Prayer, click here!