Real Housewives of NYC: The Hamptons’ School of Etiquette: Smile While You Stab Them.

Hi Gasmii,

This week us lowly people are treated to a short training film on the proper etiquette of dissing your acquaintances on national TV; Jill and Ramona finally face off; and prayers are sent out that the next time we tune in we will find ourselves back in Orange County where this show really belongs. Shouts out to Vicki, I miss your crazy ass. And now back to the not so Real Housewives of NYC.

What? You Wanted a “Real” Housewife?

This week we start with Jill’s life and as requested, Bobby has produced a private jet to fly Jill and Allison to the holistic detox center. So here’s my question, when was the last time one of your parental units rented you a private plane for the day? Is Allison grateful? Excited? Even smiling a little? Nope, Allison is sulking that Bobby isn’t showing extreme enthusiasm at the thought of taking her to Staples to shop for school supplies. I know this kid has arthritis and a weight problem and I feel bad for her. Really, I do, but at this moment I just want to smack her fat, pouty face. Girl, he just got you a private plane. Thank his fat ass. Just as a note for general background info, Bobby has three children from a previous marriage that are all adults now and opted not to be part of the show.

What a bastard. He doesn’t want to go to Staples with me.

Aside from worrying that her daughter has a hard heart to crack, or is just plain assed spoiled, Jill is worried that people will confuse “detox” with rehab, but assures us that as soon as she mentions “health” people get it. Honey, people don’t care, they’re just nodding hoping that you’ll move on to a new subject.

Now, it seems like having your detox spa featured in a reality show segment would be great chance to exploit some free publicity. I mean show me those treatments that really make me want to be there. I’m talking jacuzzis, candles, massage, and yummy foods. Not these holistic fools, what do they feature?…Ear Coning. The nurse (?) takes what looks like a rolled up tube of paper, lights one end on fire and puts the other end in the girls ear, while blabbing something about the flame burning up the smoke its pulling out…LMAO. And suddenly, sitting on my beat-up sofa, sharing my Baileys with my dogs doesn’t seem so bad.

In your ear.

Meanwhile, Bobby is outside talking on his phone and Jill is complaining that he didn’t tell her where he was going, he just disappeared. I repeat, he doled out at least $5,000 to hire you a private jet for the day. Get over it.

So, Allison is gone for eight days and we leave Jill hoping she’ll come home a changed girl.

Missoni is about to give a fashion show at the Hamptons and Ramona is getting dressed to attend while her daughter and husband stage a mini clothes intervention. If Angela Missoni actually sees this episode she may start refusing to market her clothes in the US, that is, if she recovers from gouging her eyes out. For anyone that’s interested, you can see Missoni’s clothes at Missoni.com. Unlike Ramona, none of her models look like hookers that are too cheap to be hired by Elliot Spitzer’s dial-a-prostitute service.

After being censored by her husband and her daughter Ramona tells us that, “Avery has a good fashion sense that she’s developed, but compared to most children her age she’s very conservative.” Avery is clearly heading for a career as a psychoanalyst that specializes in trashy women’s mid-life crises.

Another note for general knowledge: Ramona actually designed those big clunky crosses that she keeps wearing. They’re being marketed as part of her husbands religious article business. Warms the heart, doesn’t it?

It just needs a cross.

Meanwhile, Jill is getting dressed for the same event in a knee length, elegant black dress. She has a good friend over, who is the first person of color on the show that is neither a servant nor a paid tennis pro. I guess my impression of the Hamptons was wrong; it really is a hotbed of diversity.

How many women out there remember hiding clothes your parents wouldn’t let you wear, so you could change when you got out of the house. Anybody, beside me? Well Ramona does it too. Of course, I haven’t done something like that since I was sixteen, but Ramona is still young and sexy at heart and I’m sitting on a beat up sofa, swigging Baileys and pushing my dog’s head off my laptop. Anyway, Avery had hidden the trashy top. But when Ramona and Mario leave the house, Ramona shows him that she found it and smuggled it out in her purse. Then smoothly shoving it under her shirt she makes a run for the car.

At the party, after the Missoni fashion show, Ramona has managed to change into the forbidden clothes and meets Jill there. To the camera Jill stresses that Ramona is only a tennis friend. They run in the same circle but they’re not intimate, meaning that they don’t do things involving just the two of them.

Ramona starts telling Jill the story about Avery objecting to her whore clown outfit and how she explained to Avery that hemlines are going up. Jill with a commendable straight face says that she dropped her hemlines when her mother told her that she couldn’t wear what her daughter could wear. Oh, please Ramona, please, listen to Jill.

Apparently, the photogs approve of Jill’s outfit and she spends time posing for them. Ramona not so much. However, Ramona has urgent business elsewhere. She has discovered a slightly drunk woman flirting with her husband. And holy cow, hubby is not wearing a wedding ring. Handling the situation with all the composure and grace that society woman should possess, Ramona starts hitting her husband.

Do you remember back in High School, when there was one chunky, awkward, loud girl who always circled the popular girls? She might wear the same clothes and hairstyle, but it never seemed quite right. And, oh yeah, she slept with a lot of guys. Well that seems to be the role our editors are casting Ramona in. Clearly, this cast of women isn’t up to an adult reality show, so it looks like their leaning to the after school special version.

Our super popular girl, the Countess B**tch is introduced to us in this episode at the

Hampton Classic, one of the biggest horse shows in the country. It is, she tells us, an elite event and her daughter Victoria is competing. There is a large picture of Victoria on her horse and I have to admit its kind of cool. This event is important enough that the Count is even there–apparently an unusual event.

Ramona, ever circling the popular crowd, shows up at the event saying that some of her friends have children competing and she wants her daughter Avery to know what it’s about. Ramona tells the camera that she met the Countess B**tch about two years ago. They’re not close friends but she would like to get to know her better.

For the Countess’ part she is surprised to see Ramona at the horse show, telling the camera that she didn’t know she was a fan of the horse world. Boy, this woman is good. I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone that could smile and sound so gracious while dissing another person.

With a big smile, the Countess tells us that, “Ramona looked great. She had this big hat on and the dress. I think she thought it was like the big tent day where you get all dolled up and you go out there and its all about the hat and the dress, You know, this day was really all about the show and the jumping.” Yeah, we got it. Ramona was once again badly dressed and out of place.

I thought every day was big hat day.

It’s the Countess’ daughter’s turn to compete. Oblivious that the Countess isn’t paying any attention, Ramona continues to babble out questions. Afterward, the Countess tells her husband Ramona “keeps asking all these questions about the show and I’m going I don’t know, I’m watching.”

Victoria takes 3rd place and the Count is thrilled saying that she has the racing spirit of his family and will win all the races. Jill calls the Countess on her cell and finds her to congratulate her and her daughter. In a voiceover, the Countess tells us that she met Jill at a Michael Moore screening and she just loves her. Jill is appropriately dressed.

To be all-inclusive and represent the artsy poser high school crowd, the editors catch up with Alex and Simon still vacationing on St. Barts. This time we don’t see their kids, which is kind of too bad. Francois and Johann may be my favorite people on this show. Anyhoo, Alex tells us that a really wonderful thing about taking an au pair with them is that she and Simon get to be alone. And then, extolling the virtues of vacationing in St. Barts versus the Hamptons explains, “For a vacation I want to relax, I don’t want to be looking over my shoulder to see if there’s somebody I need to impress sitting at the next table.”

Good Lord, how is it possible that these adults can have children when their mindset seems stuck in the high school cafeteria. We get to hear more about their perfect codependency with Alex assuring us that “as the years go by we get closer and closer if that’s even possible” and I find myself gagging. Not even half a bottle of Baileys is dulling the pain. I think next week I’ll have to try something stronger to offset these two. Alex and Simon feed each other, hold hands and embark in some of the most moronic conversation I’ve ever heard.

Alex: “I really love you in brown, I love you anyway,”

Simon: “I’m a whole person darling.”

WTF? “I really love you in brown,” that’s the best she can do? Read a newspaper, book, magazine, or even the back of a cereal box. At this point, almost any subject will make you a more interesting person.

Mail to Alex and Simon c/o St. Barts.

Meanwhile, Bethany who is like the loner girl from the tough background is meeting with designer, Ginny Hilfiger, (Tommy Hilfiger’s sister). While looking at Ginny’s clothes Bethany unloads about the state of her relationship to Jason and Ginny looks less than enthralled.

The ostensible reason for meeting with Ginny is to find an outfit to wear to a charity auction put on by Jason’s parents to raise money for the tumor foundation. Jason’s sister has Neurofibromatosis. I’ve known someone with this disease and it is pretty awful. Jason’s family is doing a good thing here. Anyway, Bethany is donating a private cooking class to the auction for people to bid on. Jason’s friends bid and she raises $3,100 for the charity.

Throughout the event Bethany keeps herself focused on her goal of making Jason’s parents love her with all the single mindedness of a desperate woman in pursuit of marriage. At the end of the night everyone seems pleased. The event raised money and Bethany tells us that she thinks that her participation was really great for her relationship with Jason’s parents and that “his parents loving me makes life that much easier and in fact makes our relationship easier.”

Meanwhile, Ramona has hatched a plan to further her friendship with the Countess that excludes that pesky Jill. At her friend Diane’s house, she has invited several women, not including Jill, to a cooking party. Among the woman invited is the Countess.

Getting ready to leave for the party, the Countess and a friend she is bringing, have a quick conversation full of snide little innuendos identifying who Ramona is by what she was wearing at the Hampton Classic. The Countess makes it clear in a very pleasant fashion that the cooking party is not an event she is looking forward to and she only plans to stay briefly. After all, “there’s nothing worse than eight woman learning how to cook.”

We are given to understand that the Countess and Ramona “have a different circle of friends.” In other words, the Countess is popular, Ramona not so much.

When the Countess arrives, Ramona starts to go over the menu and organize the women while the Countess keeps wiggling out of the arrangements. She explains that she can’t stay because the Count leaves for Europe tomorrow. Well can you cook while you’re here? Ramona asks.

“I’ll supervise,” the Countess tells her with a big smile.

Then one of the more socially awkward conversations follows. Ramona tells the Countess in what I suspect is a carefully rehearsed statement, “When you moved into the city we talked about getting together. We never did, but now we will.”

“That will be fun,” the Countess answers with her face frozen in a smiling grimace then adds, “with Jill.” In other words, while hell is still warm there is no way the Countess is going to start being BFF with Ramona.

Remember, I’m popular and you’re not.

Ramona, foiled by the wily Countess, grimaces back.

The Countess then asks where Jill is, as Jill is apparently the only reason she came.

Ramona’s big pop eyes roll in her head and she says in an innocent voice that Jill might be in the city, but she’s not sure. Then to the camera, Ramona explains “I didn’t invite Jill to that party because if I was going to invite Jill that I felt that I needed to invite like another three or four girls to make the whole circle better.” Can anybody translate this for me? Is she saying that Jill is so sucky a person that she’d need three or four other girls to compensate?

Of course, now that the editors are busily twitching their little noses at the whiff of possible drama drifting up from Ramona’s lemon pepper steak, we catch up to Jill who is hanging out with Brad, her gay husband. When I lived in NYC, I had the obligatory gay best friend and let me tell you, if you haven’t done it, you should most definitely do it. So, Jill wanting to get her gay hubby his fifteen minutes of fame, well maybe more like five minutes, decides to take him around to introduce him to her Hampton girlfriends and she calls Diane. Of course, Diane tells her about the cooking party that she is not invited to and puts her on the phone with Ramona, who is a teensy little bit uncomfortable. Of course, in the real world where people’s emotional states mature past adolescence, it wouldn’t be a problem to find out that an acquaintance had a cooking party that they didn’t invite you to. But here in the never, never land of the socially elite, Ramona hangs up the phone and flails her hands, eyes rolling, while she screams, “It’s a small dinner party, she can’t be upset, it’s not like were having thirty people here.”

Jill with all the cunning of the pubescent mind remembers the rule that popular girls only hang out with other popular girls and realizes that the Countess wouldn’t willingly attend Ramona’s dinner if Jill weren’t present as well. Jill and the Countess play phone tag and it is revealed that the Countess was duped, but managed to “escape” the dinner.

Taking a much needed break from the nasty little plots of the popular girls, the editors catch up with Bethany who is meeting with her business associate Jake. Bethany tells us that Martha Stewart democratized style and she wants to democratize health. I don’t know if any of you saw Bethany as a contestant on the Martha Stewart version of The Apprentice, but it wasn’t pretty. Anyway, the bit about “democratizing style” is almost a quote straight out of one of her monologues on The Apprentice and it made me remember what a nightmare she was as a contestant. Of course, the Fran Drescher voice doesn’t help any. But I’m kind of wondering if she’s realized that she comes off bitchy so she’s pulling out the little match girl routine to try and make herself more sympathetic.

The editor’s, unable to resist the thought that they might have a conflict between their characters and maybe even a possible plot, take us back to Jill and the Countess meeting for lunch to rehash The Ramona Dinner. They compare stories and decide that they have caught Ramona in a lie. Jill was not in the city like Ramona said she was. Ramona just didn’t invite her to the party. The Countess, a master of the gracious backstab, tells us that there is definitely something going on with Jill and Ramona and she’s not even going to go there. Of course, she is more than willing to be Jill’s partner in her revenge tennis match against Ramona. So yes, in fact the Countess is going to go there.

Allison comes home from the holistic detox center. She lost eleven pounds while she was there and there are hugs and kisses all the way around. Bobby is still holding his uber-mensch status with me.

Finally, we get to the day of the revenge tennis match. Jill arrives at the Countess’ house in a beautiful new yellow Ferrari and the Countess is even impressed. I have to confess, this is my dream car. My dogs and I would look awesome tootling around in it. For the first time I’m feeling a little jealousy.

This could so be me…

Jill and the Countess compare notes on Ramona’s partner, Missy. She’s a nice girl that’s supposed to be a phenomenal tennis player.

The tennis match is to take place at Ramona’s house. As a firm believer in public humiliation, Jill has invited as many of her friends as she can beg or bribe to come and watch. In an attempt to tie some of the different women together, the editors have made Betheny drive into the Hamptons to be part of Jill’s cheering section.

Facing the two most popular girls across the net in front of the rest of the popular crowd, Ramona does what any other teenage girl in her position would do. She freaks out and starts unraveling on the court. Furthermore, Missy is not playing well at all. Maybe, she feels an instinctual need to lose to her social superiors. Eventually, Mario, Ramona’s husband, shows up and starts kibitzing.

Already, unhinged and in desperate need of a sedative Ramona starts yelling at him. “I don’t need you here, just go, just go.” Followed by the more reserved and gracious, “Mario shut up, I don’t need your help.”

And another thing, I’m just as gracious and elegant as you are.

Interviewing with the camera, the Countess tells us that she was SHOCKED just SHOCKED at the way Ramona spoke to her husband. She would NEVER speak to the Count that way. Jill tells us that Mario is the number nine-seated tennis player in his category in the country and that if Mario told her to jump, she’d jump.

It looks like the game will be an easy win for the Countess and Jill when, suddenly, Missy springs to life and starts taking over the game. Ramona perks up and she and Jill have a little slap bitchfest where Ramona surprisingly comes out on top. So now, Jill’s mega-pissed and slams it home winning the game and exacting her social revenge on Ramona. Social order has been restored and all the girls kiss and makeup.

Next week we’re promised a fashion show, more Jill and Ramona drama, and a social diss for Alex and Simon. Don’t forget the Jack Daniels…