Real Housewives of New York City: Skinny Girls and Big Fat Mouths

Here we go. Another season of Caaaaaaa-razy! For your enjoyment, I give you the Ramona catwalk strut. It is pure gold, just like all the crap she sells on Home Shopping:

The O.C. fillies are barely back in their stalls when out of the Bridgehampton Polo Club come galloping those old New Yawk nags again. I wish I could say that time has treated the Big Apple ladies well, and it has as far as their looks go. It’s just that their insides are so rotten. Everyone is fighting or backstabbing or in LuAnn’s case, grandstanding.Oh, and I will not be calling her ‘the countess.’ Sorry, but the only titles I believe in are ‘Mixologist,’ and the ones on the bindings in the library. It’s a relic of old moneyed Europe and it needs to stop. We’re all people here, and we all throw our caftans over our head the same way and insert one arm at a time. You want a title? Earn a degree.

I’ve also taken the liberty of rewriting their little intros for them. Nobody came up with anything new this season and that’s just wrong. It’s classless and in poor taste, my dears. It simply isn’t done, I tell you, it simply isn’t done!

We begin in the Hamptons, of course. Not that it matters. Pretty much any place will do for talking behind your friend’s back and holding an impromptu sales pitch. Labor Day weekend on Long Island is as good as anywhere else.

I am amazed at the amount of crazy they managed to fit into one afternoon ride around the Sound with Ramona, and it starts before they even get on the damn boat! It’s the first minute of the show and I’m already eyeing the wine rack. Damn you, Miss Andy, damn you to Hell!

The Beales’s, I mean Jill and LuLu are walking up the pier to the yacht in their best designer caftans, bandanas and sunglasses. Yikes. I am tempted to keep track of only those three items this season but they’re already last season so why bother. They’re probably musting up Goodwill or the Cancer Society’s resale shop by now.

Jill is going on an on about food, food, food. Ramona better have food on the damn boat. No food on the boat just simply isn’t DONE in the Hamptons, you know.
They need to lay off the social rules for a while. None of them can live up to them so why even start?

The name of Ramona’s boat is Alandrea which is sooo close to an anagram for Dear LuAn, it’s hilarious. There’s only one that’s better than that, and I like to think that this is exactly how LuLu would ask for it-

Such poor taste, I know. I was just trying to stay in the spirit of things.

They are greeted by Ramona drunkenly calling out, “How do you like my yacht?” and Jill’s retort under her breath of “She wishes.”

It’s a friend’s who loaned it out to Ramona, nice of you to point out that she doesn’t actually own it. So, yeah. We’re right back where we were last year, one upmanship and the love/hate that everyone throws at Crazy Eyes.

They hug and compliment Crazy Eyes’ new haircut. She says it’s nice to have such good friends, as Jill completely ignores her and walks over to judge the food on the table. She comes right back to ask her what plastic surgery she got, squinting at her as she examines her face, since we all know that haircuts are the international warning sign of hidden surgery.

I have heard that some women get a drastic new haircut after they have work done to throw off the scent. Why can’t they just admit it? I would love to get the crease above my eye tightened up a bit but I’m afraid of anaesthesia. I sure wouldn’t lie about it. Who cares? As long as you don’t overdo the botox or pull your face so tight that you can bounce quarters off it, you should be good.

It’s probably all the greif she would get from the other girls. We all know how catty they can be and how ruthless when slamming other people’s decisions that they don’t agree with. It’s best not to be the topic du jour.

Back on the boat, Ramona tells everyone that she gained five pounds, lightened her hair and did some non-surgical stuff. Fine. I remember all those appointments with the facialist she’s had over the years so whatever. I think she had more work than that but again, who cares?

Do you lose points for it with these women? I swear, I expect to see Jill put on some reading glasses and whip out an index pad and write down surgery demerits in it. She probably has a spreadsheet at home cataloging every time Ramona’s dog takes a dump on the wrong side of the street.

She then says that she should cover up because a bikini is age inappropriate and I say, so is dressing like you just got back from an Ashram in Palm Beach. If Ramona can rock a bikini, let her. If Helen Mirren can do it in her 60s, so can the crazy girl. She still has a good body, so shut it.
Jill is starting to look like a jealous shrew, no? I really like her but she is beginning to lose points with me, I must say, AND THAT JUST ISN’T DONE.

Ramona says that she wants to have a year of renewal and fresh beginnings for friendships that never were to begin with, so she’s invited Alex. She arrives and Holy Cacti, somebody hit the Nice n Easy a little hard over the summer. She doesn’t have a tan but she sure could’ve gone a touch less brassy, she’s a little too strawberry and not enough blonde.

She kisses old Crazy Eyes, igniting the insanity in Ramona as she insists that Alex agree that the new haircut has made her look like an older version of Cameron Diaz. What, what, what? In what universe?

I would love to hang out with Ramona for a day. I’d bring an index pad of my own, only not for demerits, for a book I’m writing on delusional schizophrenia. Then I would have politely gone on my way, choking on my glee and rereading the bon mots and squirrely syntax well into the night. Jill- she sticks her finger down her throat.

I would understand if she spent a lot of time in her presence but this is the first time that either of these hoes has seen each other all Summer. The only ones that have been socializing are Jill and LuLu. Why does she have to be so mean? Ramona is Ramona. You didn’t just discover that yesterday.

It’s like my mother in law. I would love if she would stop with the little digs that she likes to drop like tiny bombs in our chit chats but she’s 60 years old. THAT is never going to happen. So, unless she embarrasses me in a professional environment, I’m going to let it slide. So should Jill. If Ramona wants to compare herself to H.R. Puffnstuff, let her.

Besides, I kinda like her. It’s weird. I hate that husband of hers but Ramona is like a nutty child to me. You can try to speak reasonably to her, let her know what your parameters are, but she’s stiil going to go eat paste in the corner which she throws up after spinning in circles when the theme from Barney comes on.

She’s nuts! I think she’s from another planet. I think that she came down on a spaceship in the late 70s, worked her way up in the world and now she sells radioactive jewelry on HSN to help finance her trip back home. If you remove her suit of human skin she’s just a giant prawn, like the aliens in District 9. It explains the dancing too. It’s her real body trying to break free.

Alex interviews that Ramona practically ‘leaped’ into her arms. Once again, that’s just Ramona. She’s drunk, she is hosting a party. You are lucky she isn’t running around naked with streamers coming out of her ass.

That drunken Playboy chick Joni is there, looking like an over the hill Bond girl in her tiny black bathing suit. She sits down next to Ramona as she pulls out her new collection for HSN. Geez, are we starting with the free informercials already?

I hate this shit. It’s phony and cheesy. I prefer my cheesiness on a cracker and my phonies in Catcher in The Rye. Plus, I couldn’t tell- is any of it pretty? Do I need to order some or does it all have religious symbolism on it like that stuff that Mario puts on Catholic medals and Arch Diocese bowling trophies. That was his business, right? I’m too tired to look it up.

Anyway, it’s pretty obnoxious to invite people to a maritime outing and then turn it into a Tupperware party without the pretty plastic containers and the lovely Kay Sedia. I absolutley HATE feeling pressured to buy stuff, especially by a friend. How uncomfortable, and how embarrassing if you can’t afford it or don’t like it? Now you have to worry about looking cheap or mean and getting talked about behind your back.

The last time this happened to me was two years ago at my mother’s house. It was some kind of spa party and I only went because I wanted to make sure that the bitch that was doing the demonstrations wasn’t stealing the silver during the free group facials when everyone had washcloths on their faces.

I didn’t trust her from the beginning. She had crappy skin and talked down to my sweet mom. (It’s her birthday today, by the way. Happy birthday, Norma Rose! I love you!) Where do you get off selling skincare with a face full of zits and dry patches? And then you have the nerve to criticise us for drinking wine and buying a deli tray at Giant Eagle.

I was so mad that not only didn’t I shell out for anything, I talked some friends into cancelling their orders after the party and buying Avon from my Aunt instead. I’m not mean, I’m just protective. I swear to God that woman was there to steal. I just FELT it in my bones, you know?

So, ixnay on the jewelry showing. It just makes your company feel like they are only there to buy stuff, not because you value their friendship, as you so vociferously claimed in the beginning, Ramona.

LuLu is none too pleased with the jewelry show and neither is Jill. They can watch that shit for free on TV in the comfort of their own homes where they can make fun of her to their heart’s content.

Jill takes Joni aside to tell her how she would have done it if it were HER party. There would have been gift bags for everyone and all the girls would have been able to choose a piece of jewelry for free.

Now, I’m all for free joorey, let’s not pretend, but what she does next is sooooo not cool. She calls Ramona cheap. At her party. To her FRIEND. What the? Does she hate her so much that getting that said on camera is more important than having a little tact? Who’s rude now, bitch?

It turns out that Joni isn’t much of a friend either. She repeats a story that she should have kept to herself, that Ramona asked for her own check at dinner the other night. Okay. That’s wrong why? We are in a shitty economy now. I do it with my friends all the time. Some, we always split. Most, we go back and forth with paying. I’ll pay this week’s hockey game beers, you pay next week. You get this coffee and croissant, I’ll buy the movie tickets. Whoopdeedoo.

I would understand if there was more to the story but there isn’t. Plus, splitting checks can be awkward. Separate is better. I don’t know about this Joni person. I’d have to hear more about the situation. For all I know Joni Playboy was ordering bottle after bottle of Crystal, and old Crazy eyes wasn’t drinking because Mario had to rewire her later. I’m not going to judge.

By the way, Bethenny the Legohead wasn’t invited. The boat is rented so Ramona didn’t want her chipping the doorframes or snagging the deck cushions with her granite jaw. Plus, she’s fighting with Jill, and Ramona wants this to be a nice, relaxing opportunty for her friends to trash HER, not someone else.

Jill says that after she was kind enough to invite Legohead into her inner circle of fabulous Levolor suppliers and their gay husbands, she got repaid by being gradually shut out of the Skinny Girl’s life and then told to get a hobby.

Ouch. That wasn’t very nice, nor terribly clever for little Miss One-Liner. Why did that happen? This show is raising way more questions than it is answering, and I am starting to believe that this season is going to end up being one loooong fight.

Bethenny is busy back in Manhattan anyway. She’s milking her new found fame for every grubby little penny she can get her brittle hands on. Today it’s a shoot for PETA on top of a highrise, naked of course. She makes lame jokes about twittering her twat and her captive audience of assistants and other various and sundry photo shoot hangers-on are yucking it up to her stupid quips about unneccessary stylists and pasties.

I’m sorry. I don’t happen to find her funny. Her humor is almost always at someone else’s expense and just because she’ll throw a little random self deprecation in there, doesn’t make it okay. You might say, hey Twunty, that’s what YOU do. Well, I do it about perfect strangers that have chosen to put themselves out there for all the world to see, not about people that are supposed to be my friends.

She is always calling people drag queens or ‘Madonna’ or trash talking their taste and style. I would stay far, far away from someone like her. She can come to the party but don’t put her on speed dial unless you want the whole world to know your business and have it told to them with wry laughter and a cutting remark.

She has a really nice body, though. She obviously works out and she must be doing something right with all her Skinny Girl books and recipes. Plus, this is New York. You burn off calories just by trying to survive.

She is going to appear in one of those ‘I’d rather go naked than wear fur,’ campaigns, so good for her. I don’t have the highest opinon of that organisation and it’s sad that extremists garner all the attention, but Bethenny’s an attention whore too, so they are perfect for each other. I don’t know about you but I’m more of an ASPCA and nature conservancy girl myself. Most of the celebs that do PETA just seem to be doing it because they’re exhibitionists, especially this campaign.

She finishes up and emails a picture of her naked ass to her new boyfriend Jason with the tagline- “I’d rather keep you in suspense than wear fur.” Girl, you need a new writer. You’re worse than Jay Leno. LAME.

Back on the boat, LuLu tries to pay Ramona a compliment by telling her she’s a ‘party starter’ but she sucks at it. Nothing that comes out of her mouth sounds unrehearsed or genuine, not even when she’s drinking, for crying out loud. All that pretension. It’s so fake. You have to wonder if there isn’t a raunchy babe somewhere in there that’s just dying to be let out.

She doesn’t really want to compliment her anyway. This is just so she can segue into how hurt she was when Mario called her ‘count-less’ at their photo shoot the other day. Once again, who cares? Mario is a big ape with no respect for anyone. He isn’t worth your concern. He gets a kick out of baiting you women with little insults and guess what.

All this does is upset Ramona. She had already talked it over with Mario and he knew he was rude since LuLu had just gotten seperated from that cheating hubby of hers, but LuLu wants a formal apology.

Oh, fuck off! What do you want, a freaking skywriter to spell it out for you? Flowers and hand embossed ‘sowwy’ stationery from Tiffany’s? How about one of the queen’s footmen delivers it to you by getting it tattooed on his liveried ass? Not grand enough for ya?

Sorry, I’m addicted to cranberry flavored gingerale right now. My burps are scaring the dogs.

Somehow the situation escalates into a screaming match with Crazy Eyes saying that Mario never called because he didn’t have her number (yeah, right) and LuLu retorting that she can’t attend their Labor Day soiree because she just wouldn’t be comfortable.

Ramona does what Ramona does best and tells her to stop being so sensitive, since “you were going to get divorced two years before that anyway.” Wow, she just loves to stick it to her, doesn’t she? She’s also back to her “no titles in the U.S.” argument that I wholeheartedly agree with.

She wants to drop it but it’s a sore spot for LuLu and Jill joins in too. Ramona says that she’s starting to feel like they are ganging up on her but Jill says she was just trying to help resolve the situation which is a total lie. LuLu shows completely bad etiquette by pointing out that Mario was mean to Jill too which is a totally seperate issue, and bam! We’re at Ramona’s breaking point.

LuLu went from trying to wrangle an apology over something so insignificant that even Miss Manners would probably laugh in her face, to orgainsing an attack that Ramona can’t possibly defend, and why should she?

That was just gross. Ramona gets up and walks off, telling her that she’s not going to let her ruin her day. As for Jill, when the going got tough, she ditched LuLu and left her to deal with Crazy Eyes alone. Now, poor Ramona is all crazy faced and teary. So, nice job, classy ladies.

Maybe if one of them had shut up for a minute instead of everyone talking over everyone else, it wouldn’t have ended so badly. Plus, how was that the time or place to start a fight? Remember all that “not at the Cancer Society” bullshit? Well, how about “not on the yacht party that you were so graciously invited to join?” Physician heal thyself, De Lesseps or Lipschitz or whatever your name is.

Jill is topside with LuLu and Alex, once again voicing her opinion on what should have been done. God, she thinks her shit don’t stink, doesn’t she? Quit trying to recreate events and start dealing with reality. I like you SO much better when you aren’t up in everyone’s business.

Poor Ramona is still crying to her real friends in the ship’s cabin and then she explains that her dad was horribly verbally abusive to her. He died five months prior and she wanted to make sure that she didn’t put up with that kind of nastiness ever again. She calls herself a nice girl who’s only mean when she’s honest. Sorry, honey. That’s just an excuse to shoot your mouth off whenever you feel like it. Oy. I’m running out of people to root for on this show. In record time too.

In the end, shots of Patron save the day and Crazy eyes makes a toast to happiness. The ladies disembark with Jill remarking that she couldn’t wait to get off the fricking boat. Why’s that, dear?

We’re having fun, aren’t we? Let’s go watch a different show for a while, because that’s what Bethenny’s parts of this episode feel like.

She’s at her condo with her assistant going through her backlogged email. It’s really just an excuse to bring up some of the reasons why she and Jill are fighting. The Jaw got a free trip to Turks & Caicos and took Jason along for a romantic getaway. She didn’t invite Jill so Queen Zarin got upset. Jason says that Jill is ‘grabby’ and I know it’s early but I want to play a little game of Assumption if you don’t mind.

For two seasons now, Miss Frankel has been whining about finding a man to settle down with, crying to Jill and Jill’s Mama about her lonely heart and terrible parents. Well, she finally found herself a man and instead of incorporating him into her old life, she’s throwing that boring old crowd into the shitter because Jason said so.

They’ve got their own show now, so why should she stay friends with these old harpies? You know, the ones that let her stay in their homes for free, who offered up kindness and love when she needed it most. Instead, her offering is a big old fuck you to Jill because she’s so needy and grabby and she sold her house in the Hamptons.

She tries to justify the ‘get a hobby’ comment but there really is no excusing it.
They are both selfish and I don’t care what Jill did with the free trip, there is no excuse for hurting her feelings like that, none. If you don’t want to be friends, say so. Don’t be a bitch.

Jason arrives with some new golf clubs for her and she doesn’t even golf. She doesn’t even understand the concept of a golf cart. She probably thinks a golf course is something Tiger Woods eats when he’s out to dinner with one of his whores.

She says that she likes them because they aren’t too girly. That’s too bad. She’s going to miss out on a world of pink. Have you seen the golf section at Dick’s Sporting Goods? It’s looks like an eight year old picked all the colors out after eating everything in the energy bar aisle. (p.s. my bag is pink and gray, natch)

Then they look at the nude pictures from the photo shoot. This guy is pretty conservative. He says he’ll get fired if she emails him those shots at work and she compares herself to Lucille Ball just like Simon Barney did with Tamra. Uh-oh. We all know how that Lucy/Ricky pairing worked out. It won’t be long before Jason’s telling her she has no class and needs to tone it down a bit. I CANNOT WAIT.

You know who else probably can’t wait? Kelly. She’s meeting Jill and LuLu for a lunch of chicken wings and Bethenny bashing. Sounds deee-lish!

Jill is already complaining, this time about the heat since KK picked out a table on the patio. It’s summer, ding dong, wear layers. Poor spoiled baby has to walk through humidity after her air conditioned ride in the Mercedes SUV. Remember last year? Bawby had to get her a new one because the new one he already got her didn’t have a dock for her iPhone or something ridiculous like that.

Anyway, Jill says that she’s going to give KK a new chance at friendship because she’s been having a rough time of it with the whole beating of the boyfriend thing. They chitchat a bit, we find out that Jill sold her Hamptons digs at the height of the market and she’s been mooching off LuLu all summer.

They rehash the whole Mario fracas and then LuLu asks Kelly if she’s still seeing Max or is he free to date other people now. Not that she would to stoop to dating anyone untitled, mind you, she just likes meeting cute boys in back alleys and discreet boutique hotels in midtown. Yes, I made that up.

Kelly starts out with, “To be honest with you..” aaaaaaaaand here comes the cliche. She wants Mr. Right, not Mr. Right Now. This girl is the queen of tired phrases, and what’s even more hilarious is that Jill and LuLu don’t even know what that means! I think I heard it for the first time at least a decade ago, and they’ve never heard of it before? Huh? They live in Manhattan for God’s sake, not the North Pole.

LuLu starts in with some cockamamie story about how she needs an older, more sophisticated man. What, like the guy who left you? Like the waaaaay older photographer that left HER? Wow, she can be so clueless sometimes. Is Leatherface even 40 yet? I don’t get the older man advice, unless Ms. DeLipschitz wants to make sure that she gets all the young guys for herself and doesn’t have to share with another leggy former model.

KK says that she’s already been Rapunzel, that when she was married she was isolated with her daughters and now she’d prefer dating a Batman to her Robin.

Okay. Was that so hard to understand? I had no difficulty figuring out exactly what she meant. She wants to have fun, not be stuck in an Ivory Tower somewhere, caring for babies and getting bored out of her mind while her man goes off to fuck other models or questionable foreign royalty. Why can’t those other two nags wrap their brains around it? Maybe it’s beneath them to cop to any knowledge of pop culture.

The subject of The Jaw comes up and Jill reveals that when Bawby had thyroid cancer (scary) Bethenny never called or came to visit. She sent a beautiful bouquet but declined to offer any support of a personal nature. Once again, HOW RUDE.

God help me but Kelly is starting to make sense now. She says that she’s scared of Bethenny, that she turns on people, that she goes from friend to foe in a New York Minute. Oh, but she invented the Margarita, apparantly. Hahahaha! Jesus take the wheel, Kelly made a funny and is totally growing on me.

Is this going to be the season where Ramona is the sane one and Kelly rises above it all? I am so confused, just like I was when Mallard Mouth made Crackie look like a freaking candy striper in comparison.

And she eats wings, messy calorie laden wings, not salad after salad after nibbles of lobster. You do not know how refreshing that is to me. Sure, she might throw it up in the bathroom later, but at least there’s no pretense of skinny, skinny, skinny all the time.

She talks about the fighting incident with the boyfriend and says that in hindsight, she should have gone to the police first. I’m not entirely clear on what happened but I understand why her guard would be up now and I give her props for doing the community service with sufferers of domestic violence. Sure, she was court ordered but I imagine there are a lot easier ways to fulfill it.

LuLu’s divorce comes up and Kelly offers her condolences. She remembers how scared she was to be alone and how awful it felt. Something tells me that LuLu isn’t scared at all. She could care less. All that concerns her is losing her social standing and which non-titled underling at today’s luncheon will be picking up the check.

Kelly does the honors so I smell a beautiful reationship in the works. That aristocracy just loves a free ride. Those De Lesseps befriended the creator of the Statue of Liberty once so we owe them a cushy life forever, out of sheer gratitude for associating their name with someone else’s statue. Yeah, I know. They built the Suez canal. But what have they done lately other than run around doing ‘business deals’ and write crappy books about outdated social mores? Other than abuse the help?

The skinny girl that doesn’t like to pay is in Montauk, the easternmost tip of Long island, with Jason. They’re eating at one of those cute little seafood places that looks like an olde timey New England wharf. I love that stuff. Martha’s Vineyard, Cape Cod, all of it. The food doesn’t hurt either, and they dig into some decidedly un-skinny girl fare.

Jason asks what is going on with Jill, and Bethenny gets yet another manufactured opportunity to explain her side of the friend dumping story. She says that Jill engulfs her friends, that poor widdle shrinking violet Bethenny had to do whatever the Zarins wanted to do all last Summer. Poor thing!

You were staying at their house, bitch! I don’t care if she makes you play Mah Jong every single night, do you know what houses in the Hamptons are worth, not just monetarily but as a retreat from the heat and insanity of the city? I don’t care what Jill said to the Today Show when you co-hosted. You are a pig.

She recalls a time when Ramona told her that Jill likes the underdog and she made fun of Crazy Eyes for saying it back then but now, when it’s convenient, she understands. It’s all Jill’s fault they aren’t friends anymore, for liking to help people who are struggling. Is she kidding? How awful! What an ungrateful bitch! Seriously, she can’t get off this show soon enough. If I had a friend like her I would be so upset right now. I’m afraid to read Jill’s blog, I hope she tears her a new one.

The last scene of the week, after the boring vignette of Bethenny and Jason getting yoga lessons on the beach, is a meeting between LuLu and The Jaw. It is another awful display of poor communication skills, bad manners and outright meanness.

I want to get this over with before I become even more behind with this show so let me try and make it as painless as possible for all of us.

These women have no business being friends. They don’t get along, they have completely opposing views on life and their approaches to even simple conversation could not be more different. Let’s enjoy the fireworks, shall we?

Jason drops off Bethenny in the most ridiculous Volkswagon Bug ever. It’s got the Skinny Girl logo on the side, so kadooz to Jason for having the balls to drive it. It makes the Geek Squad cars look understated.

Drinks begin very badly. LuLu had to reschedule for some reason and made Bethenny drive all the way out to the Hamptons to meet her. You see, Skinny Girl invited her out for drinks in Montauk but since that selfish bitch couldn’t be bothered to waste her precious time and gas money, she made Miss Frankel come to HER.

Not only that, but when Bethenny starts to say that she had a two hour drive just getting there, LuLu has the nerve to assume it’s an apology for being late, not a reminder of how she went out of her way to go to the restaurant of the dumb entitled bitch’s choice. Bickering about who is the busiest ensues, followed by LuLu wanting to know if she’s going to pick up the check.

Wait a minute. You made her drive out to meet YOU, you picked out a more convenient watering hole for YOU, you completely changed the date, time and place but since she initialised the conversation about meeting, she has to pay? In what universe? I would have grabbed my purse and walked out the door.

Bethenny’s face says it all. Thank God she is not letting her get away with that so easily. You just know that LuLu pulls this shit all the time and never pays for anything ever. She just waits to get invited to stuff and sits back riding on the pocketbooks of others.

LuLu brings up the whole surfing incident where she excused her cheapness by insisting that when you are invited, you never pay. Cue Bethenny making snide comments about it in the parking lot, and LuLu wants to make sure that she promises to pay AND not talk about her skinflint ways behind her back.

It’s a stupid premise and Bethenny tries to make that point by asking if she’d have to buy diamonds for her if she invited her to Tiffany’s or something. LuLu says that she can’t be friendly if she’s going to be snarky with her. Bummer. Then don’t be friends.

Bethenny says just that and then poor LuLu says that no, they aren’t friends because Bethenny wasn’t there for her when she was going through the divorce.

“Then why did you ask me to have drinks?” LuLu asks. Bethenny says that she’s shaking and LuLu tells her to take a deep breath, she’s been doing yoga and it just works wonders, don’t you know, my dear? You should try it.

Huh? Doesn’t she watch any of the parts of the show that don’t pertain to her? Even I knew that Bethenny does yoga. She spoke about it from the very beginning.

Now the claws come out and Bethenny tells her that she wanted to talk to her because she’s changed. She used to be fun but ever since she got on her etiquette high horse, she’s a crashing bore and a hypocrite who lies about taking strange men’s numbers.

LuLu denies, denies, denies. Bethenny tries to get through to her another way, with flattery. She says that she’s beautiful and smart but it’s encased in hoity toity rules and etiquette fueled bullshit. LuLu doesn’t even seemed fazed by any of this and says that as far as she’s concerned they can be friends as long as Bethenny doesn’t say mean things behind her back. She wants to declare a truce right then and there before anything is even close to being resolved. Talk about walking through life with blinders on!

Bethenny isn’t having it and she asks for a minute to gather her wits. Things calm down for a bit after LuLu says that she just didn’t want to have drinks with an elephant in the room and then Bethenny tries to change the subject by asking if she’s dating.

LuLu looks heavenward for advice from the etiquette fairies on how to proceed and then concedes that she goes on very respectable dinner dates but nothing serious. You can’t just replace a titled husband like THAT, you know. Besides, she spends ALL her time with her precious children as everyone knows.

Bethenny brings up Jason, and LuLu says she’s happy for her and asks if they are getting married. I hate people that do that. How is it any of your business? If you say yes, it leads to fifty million other questions, including having the bitch ingratiate herself into the process with unwanted advice and expectations. Plus, you don’t get to enjoy the thrill of announcing it yourself.

If you say no, you find yourself in the unenviable position of having to defend a relationship that, to some, seems like it’s not going anywhere. So yeah, win-win situation.

If that wasn’t bad enough, she makes fun of the Skinny Girl car by asking if she really drives it around town. Uh, yeah. It’s her only car. That’s kind of a big deal, having your first car in New York City when you aren’t used to limos and sports cars being parked at your feet every damn day.

Bethenny tries to compare it to a label on an article of clothing but she does it sloppily. “But Hermes doesn’t pay me to wear their belts,” say LuLu. Bethenny says, “Exactly, you dumb drag queen,” in interviews, and I confess that I am so sick of their shit that I really don’t even care to figure out what the hell any of that means.

They talk some more about this imaginary ‘old LuLu’ and then Bethenny pays and leaves to take a nice long dusty ride back to Montauk in her vehicular billboard. She says that she feels dirty after that conversation. I feel clean as whistle, maybe a little indigestion, but damn, these women make me feel good about myself. Are they even real? I have a headache. I need to remind myself what sane people on Long Island are like. I think I’ll pop in my DVD of Grey Gardens tonight and get a refresher.

Love and Kisses,
Twunty McSlore