Real Housewives of New York City: Guileless Liars and Their Candid Counterparts

Real Housewives of NYC

By Twunty McSlore | Wednesday, March 31, 2010 | 10:23 am | 68 Comments

Tagged: aliens, Horror, housewives, recap, twats n tits, Twunty is a goddess ho, twunty mcslore, Whorific

“Hey, wait a minute. I’m the sane one now?”

Is it okay to lie, in the service of saving face? Is it terrible to tell the truth because it’s uncomfortable for someone? Who gets to decide? We have to for ourselves, of course. It’s called having a moral compass. I think that I have a pretty good one, and people confide in me plenty and I try to give good advice. I can be wrong, RARELY (Ha!) and it’s usually because I don’t have all the information.
I will tell you one thing, though. If I woke up tomorrow and found myself making the kind of hypocritical choices that guide LuLu and Jill’s world, I would be on the phone to a shrink before you could say, “I never said that,” which comes out of LuLu’s mouth more than “Sweetie, Darling or My Love” ever did.I’ll let you in on another secret. When I am watching the show and taking my notes, I will often write the exact emotion I feel while watching the exchanges between the women. That way when I sit down to write the recap, the feelings are instantly refreshed in my mind. Well, I cannot remember ever writing the word ‘VILE’ more in my entire life. And what is ‘vile’ an anagram for, Gasmii? Not the name of that hot Schreiber guy, the other one. Nobody needs a generator to figure that out.

We start out this week with our intrepid nemeses walking down Park Avenue:

Who did your hair, Jill? It looks fabulous!

That was weird. Maybe I’m mistaken. That critter isn’t wearing NEARLY enough jewelry.

Bethenny is back home after the NEVER AT JILL STUART show lounging in a Skinny bathrobe when Jason walks in. Once again, he exhibits some Simon Blarney-style behaviour y closing up the top of her robe for her-

Too late, Jason. We’ve seen them in all their pasty glory.

I want to like him. He seems innocuous enough, you know? But she had already pulled the neckline up to cover herself before he did that. Then he says something about how they could have had a little afternoon delight if she had called him at lunch time. Huh? I guess that he’s the only one allowed to say naughty things on camera.

Am I being paranoid? After the 180 the Blarneys did, I am super sensitive to any verbal or passive aggressive interactions between these two. I am warming up to the idea of accepting Bethenny, warts and all, and I would hate to see how what Ramona referred to as “complimenting each other” could turn into rubbing each other the wrong way. I feel like it’s almost inevitable with their dynamic. Maybe I’m not giving him enough credit. Time will tell, that and The Jaw turning into a Bridezilla.

And Bethenny just got married, mazel tov, Mrs. Hoppy!

How perfect is it that she married a guy whose last name is Hoppy, right before Easter. Maybe Kelly loaned him her bunny ears before they walked down the aisle.

MOVING ON. Bethenny talks to Jason about the Jill drama, saying that she didn’t think that their rift was a big deal until she saw her and heard from her new sidekick, LuLu. Don’t be so coy, Miss Frankel. How could you not know? You didn’t speak for three months. Maybe you were super busy being super Skinny Girl but going from four phone calls a day to zero is kinda a big deal for most people. Just admit that you don’t care. WE sure don’t.

If The Jaw was looking for a sign that she made the right decision with Jill, she got it in the form of the LuLu shared phone message. Now she can say that there’s “irrepairable damage” with no guilt, and move forward with her three B’s. Boyfriend, Booze and Books. I have three P’s that are very important to ME-

Penis, Petite Syrah and Puppies.

I hope you guys like fashion cuz we’re going to another damn show this week. Kelly and LuLu are attending the Pamella Roland show and I am happy to inform you that the starfucker that is always lurking below the surface with Leatherface is back in full force.

And don’t hit on the boy, LuLu. It’s still a felony last time I checked.

They are busy standing around getting their picture taken when KK asks LuLu what she should call her.

You mean other than Two Faced Whore? Oh, then call me LuAnn.

Leatherface wants to call her the C word because it’s so chic **gag** and LuLu’s all, “By all means, it IS my name.” At this point I cannot wait for Bethenny to tear her a new one, and who do I spy posing for photogs right around the corner? Miss B!

Jesus, don’t blind the girl. We want her to be able to look LuLu in the eye when she calls her a snake.

She walks over to the tall cigar shop Indians and passes out insincere air kisses. LuLu says that she didn’t know that Bethenny was coming, and oh my! How nice is it that the powers that be in the fashion world have let such a darling little nobody as herself join the ranks of the truly fabulous skin mag posers like Leatherface and herself.

The Jaw knows that it’s a dig because she only goes to two shows every year and that affected exaggeration that LuLu spilled about her going to so many more shows this year was just a way for her to create an opening to brag about all the shows that she’s gone to this year that Bethenny hasn’t. Bitch! I’m glad that Bethenny called LuLu on her dig right to her face before she could get started.

They head off to their seats and if this is Leatherface’s idea of a star? She needs to cut down on the amount of time that she spends in the sun. Her brain is a little fuzzy but

she’s positively orange with glee!

Whatever. I’m not here to insult Lisa Rinna, I’m here to enjoy Miss B sticking it to deLuLusional.

We all know that Miss Rinna isn’t picky about who she poses with.

Bethenny comes up to take some pictures with them and LuLu tries to convince her that her comment wasn’t a dig with “You look great, Sweetheart.” You know the tactic. Plenty of women do it. They don’t want to get called out for something they said, so they try to head you off at the pass with a compliment and fussy endearments.

VILE. There goes the first one.

Bethenny isn’t having it. She is not following protocol, dammit! She tells her that she promised to say everything to her face and now she’s going to. She tells her to stop trying to fight Jill’s battles for her, and why is she bothering to defend someone who is going all around Manhattan telling everyone what a slut you are? What? Jill is talking behind LuLu’s back?!? Noooooooooooooooo!

The Jaw calls her a snake and LuLu calls her foul mouthed and nasty, she said that she didn’t want to deal with it now, NOT AT PAMELLA ROLAND. Then- where? Does Bethenny have to invite you to another all expenses paid cocktail hour to let you know what a cheap hypocritical bitch you are? VILE. That’s number two.

And I think that photobomb Jerry Garcia has my back on this one.

I swear to God that right after I wrote that, I smelled pot. Either Jerry’s smiling down on me or the dude next door with Glaucoma just lit up. Maybe it was a skunk, or a skank or a snake. I’ll ask LuLu.

They sit down and LuLu tells Leatherface that Bethenny called her a nasty cheating skank. No, she called you a snake but nice of you to go there all on your own. Funny how Kelly doesn’t act shocked at all. I guess Jill must have told her about LuLu’s dalliances too.

B corrects her on the skank/snake misunderstanding and tells her to shut it since she can hear everything she’s saying. She’s two freaking feet away from her, for goodness sakes. Poor Kelly, she’s right in the middle of it all and has to ask them to stop.

“Seriously guys, just stop. You’re embarassing me in front of all these people who think I’m an embarassment.”

LuLu keeps it up with calling The Jaw “foul, with a face like a mad dog.” She’s harshing Kelly’s mellow sunshine happyland so Leatherface switches seats with The Jaw so she can bask in the glow of the star of ‘Peace, Love and Bikinis!’ and no, that exclaimation point wasn’t mine. Lisa Rinna and Kelly should have plenty to talk about. They pretty much go to the same church of sun damage, just on opposite coasts.

The show finally begins and it’s funny because last week I said that Jill and Bethenny probably didn’t remember a single garment that passed in front of them, and this week it’s the same. The Jaw says that she was feeling shame and guilt for what went down and just wanted to get the hell out of there and breathe. She didn’t see anything, so here’s a refresher:

More damn prom dresses.

I have to give props to The Jaw. She was livid, no question, and she probably shouldn’t have told LuLu about Jill calling her the the Whore of Fifth Avenue to every nail tech and bike messenger in Manhattan. She was speaking in the heat of the moment and she says that she regrets it.

I agree, it was a tad over the top BUT sometimes that is the only way to make your point. LuLu will keep up the pretense of proper conduct until well after death, it doesn’t matter that what she says and what she does aren’t even in the same hemisphere, let alone room. Unlike Bethenny, she’s never going to apologise for anything she does because as long as it’s wrapped up in a lovely tissuepaper of bitter lies, it’s A-Okay in her book. Literally.

You know what IS lovely in my book? Watching her tell Kelly that Miss B’s vitriol came out of nowhere and looking to her for agreement and not really getting much more than a flip of the hair and a “Let’s go,” in return.

I have to make one more comment before we move on to yet another fashion show. It’s actually more of a question. Is it me or is LuLu mean girling more this season? Has she become an evil bitch because her world has been shattered and she needs an outlet for all the rage she should be directing at her former husband?

She seems to choose her victims based on the social hierarchy that existed back in the first season, or whatever Jill’s opinion happens to be at that moment. She rags on Bethenny for being an insecure formerly struggling peon, Alex for her strange husband and having parenting that has been called into question, and Ramona for being a Martian.

She leaves Kelly alone because she envies her, and who knows? In the dark with enough coke in your system at Bungalow 8, anyone will do in those bathrooms, especially one who already looks so manly. As for Jill, LuLu needs her approval like you or I need oxygen. She makes her feel good about being bad. Both of those bitches need to get a hobby, maybe spend some more time at The Cancer Society emptying bed pans instead of calling people names. Maybe LuLu can meet her next moneybags there. Hasn’t she shtupped enough teenagers already? It’s time to get serious and pay some bills.

I wonder if Avery goes to school with any of her past conquests. I wouldn’t be surprised. For all we know she’s getting a little side action from the lonely priests at her Catholic school and has the rectory phone number bookmarked as *69 in her iPhone.

Young Avery looks like she’s growing up. She’s taller than her mom and she’s dressed like she’s older too. Strange, as is the whole dynamic between the two at her first fashion show. Crazy Eyes keeps asking her what she thinks about this eye shadow or that skirt and she sounds like a typically jaded New York teen.

that shops at Coldwater Creek.

Those clothes are way too old for her. She needs to rock an outfit that’s funky, not frumpy. She seems very self possessed and quiet, the antithesis of her mom. Watch her grow up and become an even bigger HSN mogel than Ramona. Either that or she’ll end up living on a kibbutz in the farmland of Israel faaaar from Crazy Eyes. It doesn’t matter, the girl’s a winner simply by thriving with an alien and a serial killer for parents.

After their tour of the backstage area, they are escorted to their seats where Kelly joins them in the front row. Uh-oh. Ramona is nervous because she hasn’t seen her yet this season and doesn’t know how she’ll react to not being invited to her Labor Day barbecue. They break the ice by talking about how this is Avery’s first fashion show.

“Awww, how cute! Don’t tell me she has arthritis too, cuz that would be too adorable!”

After she’s done honking out her awww’s, Kelly tells Ramona that her feelings were hurt when she didn’t invite her to her bbq. Ramona says that she’s sorry but Bethenny was there, it was a small gathering and she didn’t want there to be any mood killing confrontations. She rambles a bit but at least she’s making sense which is why I don’t understand why Kelly interviews that she should have just said that she didn’t want her there. That was rude but we’ll all understand later when we see the boobie comments at Saks.

The fashion show starts and I have no idea who the designer is. All I know is that more hideous dresses make their way down the runway. The upside is that none of them look like prom dresses. The downside-

that wasn’t really a compliment.

Awful, just awful. It looks like something Teddy might have scribbled on at the restaurant last week. After it’s over, Leatherface says that she has to scram to attend a party for CoCo Perez, which is Perez Hilton’s new fashion website. “But you didn’t invite me,” says Ramona. Ha ha! Take that, bitch. You stirred up the crazy pot. Run for your life!

Kelly is blindsided and invites her on the spot. Ramona doesn’t want to be RUDE, because we all know that Ramona is NEVER RUDE, so she accepts. What to do with poor Avery? Um, throw her into a taxi, while you take a chauffer driven car? How safe is that for a fourteen year old in New York City?

Don’t worry, honey. What are the chances that the driver is a serial killer like daddy? One in a million, right?

Avery did not look happy about that AT ALL. Kelly voices her disapproval in interviews and you just know that this will come up at a later date. Ramona tells her daughter to text her when she gets home safe and I admit to being a little shocked. I hope that a producer went with her. Damn. This is a catholic school girl, not a worldly little streetwise kid. Wow. Two firsts in one night, neither of which were very good.

Off at Perez’s party I am surprised and dismayed that anyone showed up. This guy is a misogynist PIG. He draws cum stains on starlet’s paparazzi photos, calls women (and John Mayer) sluts and then bullies them with more trash talking unless they befriend him. He makes me want to puke, so VILE #3, in case you were counting.

Jill’s there kissing his ass and fending off his curiosity to see her chopped down tities. I wonder if they’re besties, they have so much in common.

Lost some fat, gained zero hobbies.

The three girls set up camp on a stoop outside the party where Kelly tells them about the fight between LuLu and Miss B at the fashion show. She barely gets out a sentence before Jill butts in to tell them what LuLu said to her on the phone afterwards. She admitted to giving Bethenny a little dig but said that Bethenny bullied her. Why, Jill can’t even repeat all the things that she said! What horseshit, and Ramona’s right-

Shut the fuck up, you weren’t even there!

They start to talk about Jill’s fight with Bethenny at the other show and now Ramona is thoroughly confused. Jill is rewritng history again by saying that she wasn’t angry at Miss B, she was just disappointed. Yeah, that’s why your jaw was clenched before you even spoke, and why once The Jaw brought up how she didn’t know what more she could do to convince you that you were appreciated, you ran away. SO not angry.

I LOVE this part- she tells Ramona that she’s cried over what Bethenny has done to her and she can’t be friends with anyone who brings her to tears. But Perez freaking Hilton is okay.
Honey, he brings people to tears on a daily basis.

VILE #4.

Jill then hugs Ramona and jokes about how this fight makes their little spats look tame in comparison and then Ramona interviews that she’s learning to keep her mouth shut and not take sides. She wants to get Bethenny’s side of things before she goes insane at Saks, you know, just to be fair and NOT RUDE.

Meanwhile, The Jaw is doing a Skinny Girl margarita event in Robert Verdi’s fashion week lounge. Alex shows up and they both look really cute, Miss B in a big skirt and Alex in a form fitting grey sheath.

Alex says that she could tell that Bethenny needed to talk and they sit down to go over their respective issues with Jill. They’re both making pefect sense and neither one of them is motivated by a huge ego or a need to belittle anyone.

Are you sure that you’re on the right show?

How can I argue with The Jaw when she says that her friendships have to be conditional, not unconditional like Jill wants them to be? In Jill’s book, she should be allowed to do whatever she wants, including recruiting LuLu to do her dirty work. A true friend would accept her just the way she is. Huh?
And how can I argue with Alex for being upset with the constant digs on her parenting she recieves from those two old bitches? I can’t. They like to bully her and it needs to stop.

Leatherface arrives and starts right in with a little passive/aggressive digging of her own, asking “What time is it?” when she sees that they’re drinking. Really, bitch? This from the chick who said last week that she drinks beer constantly.

VILE. She just doesn’t want to sully her precious tongue with Bethenny’s margarita or get her bit all rusty from the alcohol.

Maybe they should just set a nice big trough full of beer in front of her.

Bethenny tells her that it’s noon somewhere and then she makes a point of goading her into taking a sip. Kelly says that she has to pick her kids up from school but please, one sip isn’t going to make her look like a raving drunk down at the playground.

THAT’S Bethenny’s job.

She finally takes a damn sip, whinny’s that it’s good after fighting with the two demons on her shoulders (I did not make that up. she recreated it and everything) and then Bethenny jokes about how she’s glad she’s on Prozac and Margaritas since the entire world is upside down and she’s toasting with Kelly while fighting with Jill.

Kelly doesn’t get it. Shocking, I know. The Jaw has to explain to her that she’s joking, she’s not really on anti-depressents, just like Kelly had to explain to the harpies in the Hamptons what Mr. Right Now meant. Do any of these bitches understand each other? Oy. What a joke these ‘friendships’ are.

One nice thing happens. Kelly tells Bethenny that she’d like to start with a fresh slate this season and let the past stay in the past where it belongs. They are two very different people with two very different levels of intelligence and authenticity, and there’s plenty of drama with everyone else. Why not move on? Indeed.

Kelly says that she still won’t trust her and in light of the fact that The Jaw just said in interviews that she doesn’t think she’s dumb, she just doesn’t know what the temperature of the room is, that might be a wise thing to do.

And Alex had to leave because she WORKS, unlike a certain twosome on this show. Idle hands, as my grandmother used to say, idle hands do the devil’s work. Take heed, Ms. Zarin and Miss deLuLusional. You are living proof.

Not only doesn’t Jill work, she doesn’t work out. She’s on her way with Ginger to meet her Mom and sister for the photo shoot for the cover of that advice book they all wrote. Also on hand is an expensive box of shoes. She can’t even carry it up the stairs but the bellhop lifts it with his index finger. If she had two more, he could probably juggle them.

So, this book of yours, does it have a chapter on Never Lifting A Fucking Finger?

Let’s have some fun with this, shall we, Gasmii? Let’s judge this bitch the way she judges everyone else in the world, and don’t get me started on her mother. I think she’s full of shit. She’s a prissy, bossy, rude know it all, traits she so kindly passed on to her daughter. I think that her advice is simplistic and boils down to telling people what they want to hear if she likes you, and cutting you down if she feels the need to put you in your place.

Vile #5.

Jill looks like an 80s nightmare. Her belt is straight out of a JC Penneys’ clearance rack, and it’s over a white dress shirt with a tube top underneath, a look I threw in the trash before I moved to New York myself in 1985. And if she thinks it’s inappropriate for Ramona to wear a bikini, well guess what- her ass is too fat for leggings. There. I said it. Forgive me, Jill! Love me unconditionally and overlook it, please? If you don’t, I’ll cry!

Nobody wants to see the Zarin camel toe, not even Lisa Rinna.

Who styled this mess? Jill, I bet. White on white on white? Awful, but it gets worse. Mommy decides to direct the shoot. She isn’t happy with this pose, or that pose, or any of it. Just like Jill, she thinks that she knows how to run a fucking photo shoot- WHY? Does she have a secret modeling history we don’t know about? Was she blowing Edward Steichen for extra pages in Vogue before corsets went out of style? Now THERE’S a book I’d like to read.

Should I go there with the damn bangles on Jill this season? She isn’t a 20 year old Madonna wannabe anymore. She needs to follow some of that old 80s advice on how not to overdo it- Get dressed, go to the mirror and take off at least one item of jewelry. She looks like a Basset Hound dressed up like a gypsy, and this is me being nice.

Mommy targets the stylist next. The poor woman is being kind enough to touch Gloria’s nasty ass teeth so she can remove the lipstick on them, and what does she get in return? Eye rolls and a bitchy comment about being glad that she still had her teeth after she rubbed them.

Bitch, you haven’t had YOUR teeth since Truman was alive.

She then complains about a freaking fan blowing on her breast, so I guess even the AIR needs to know who’s boss here, and I’m starting to wonder if I could get Dr. Kevorkian to make a special house call for me. She punctuates every other sentence with, I’m not happy. NOT HAPPY,” just in case you weren’t paying attention to the fussy boorishness that oozes out of her every pore.

This woman puts the hurl in churlishness and that’s what I want to do every single time I see her. Plus, her faclift makes Joan Rivers’ surgery look like Michelangelo himself performed it. She’s such a terrible old battle-axe that she even makes Jill look good. Almost.

She can’t go away soon enough but not before Jill gets in on the eye rolling, followed what I assume to be some Glamour Shots for Bawby. What else could explain THIS-

Mommy’s not happy with the sexy dress, Jill. NOT HAPPY.

What a pack of joyless magpies. They can’t even hug on camera without micro-managing every ounce of phony intimacy or conviviality. They should have just shot Ginger for the damn cover. She’s cuter and more real.

Ginger, get off Kelly! She has to pick her girls up from school.

Sheesh, I cannot wait to see this so-called advice book in the Bargain Bin at Borders. Right next to the sucessful launch of the tenth printing of Bethenny’s Naturally Thin.

Later on, there’s a vignette where Jill shows off that stupid LV trunk of shoes that she couldn’t carry up the front steps. It turns out that it cost $6,000 to look that ugly, but at least everyone now knows how much money she spent on it.

Daddy Sol is SUPER impressed.

I’d be more impressed if she said that she saved that amount and donated it to Ally’s charity but, who knows? Maybe she did. Maybe all the proceeds of the book are going to inner city single moms or something…..what’s that you say? They’re going towards buying an even MORE expensive Louis Vuitton trunk, and a private plane to go with it? You must be mistaken. This is Jill Zarin we’re talking about, right? Miss Charity Function herself.

Pfft.
Ramona is meeting Bethenny to get the skinny on what went down between her and the sob sisters. Crazy Eyes orders the first of many Pinot Grigios this week and Miss B orders her signature margarita before informing us that she’s been doing a cleanse.

Detox with booze? I need to get my hands on this, people. STAT.

Ramona confesses to her ignorance by saying that she’s out of the loop from being gone “on business.”

So that’s what we’re calling putting 14 year olds in taxis and talking to aliens these days.

Please, she just doesn’t want to cop to any more missed invites, nor does she want Bethenny to know about all the events she’s missed out on now that she’s persona non grata with The Empire, as she calls LuLu and Jill.

They rehash the Jill Stuart fiasco, nothing new there and then Ramona tells her that Jill’s afraid to see her but she coyly doesn’t know why. God, she’s so transparent. She’s biting her tingue and not spilling her guts because she wants to play both sides of the fence.

That’s fine. I’m sure that Bethenny doesn’t really care, nor does she care about Jill’s Saks event when Ramona asks her if she’s going. Her opinion is that Jill is afraid to see her because she might just have something to hide. So Ramona, just because you’ve known Jill a long time doesn’t mean that you have all the information. Jill treats you with less respect than she shows Ginger. I’d be Team B if I were you. Seriously, if we’re going by Jill’s tears rule, you should be shunning both her and LuLu for making you cry on the yacht, you know?

At any rate, I think she’s being wise by staying out of it, for the time being anyway. That old bad blood between her and Jill will rise eventually, you can count on it. As sure as the sun will rise tomorrow, the Jill will judge again.

Wow, this show is a bit of a downer for me this week. I need some comic relief, and here it comes. Jill is getting her hair done by a stylist for her spaghetti slurping scene in the local off-Broadway production of Lady and the Tramp, followed by a private shopping extravaganza at Saks that she’s hosting.

Pssst, Jill. I can still see your horns.

Fuses are blowing right and left. I’m not sure if it’s because of the amount of styling wands the hair stylist is using or if the apartment is finally revolting against the decor. Did I tell you that I hate her apartment?
I did? Have I ever told you what I think of her mom? Okay, I know. I did.

Put those two together and you have too much beauty and class for one screen to hold at one time.

Those silver tables? Me and my old roommate spray painted ones just like it for disco night at Kent State’s Rathskeller. The fake orchid? Jebus, woman! The real ones cost only twelve bucks at Fresh Market, what the fuck? Is it your mother? Does she kill everything she looks at?

The drapes look like they’re made of shiny paper bags and why are there French Doors instead of windows? As far as I can tell the Zarins don’t have a terrace, so are those Bawby’s exit strategy? Don’t do it, buddy! Find yourself a nice little whore. I hear that Ashley Dupree is single again and she’ll probably let you keep your Playboys at her place if you pay her enough. Don’t worry about Jill, that Secrets of a Jewish Harpy money should be rolling in any day now. She’ll be fine. She can cuddle up with her luggage and booger eating Chihuahua. It’s probably what she does all the time anyway.

Anyhoo, Jill leaving the room was just a ploy to get LuLu and Gloria talking. This way mommy can dispense some of her hokey pseudo wisdom and LuLu can come out smelling like a rose.

A rose fifty men jizzed on last week, but a rose nonetheless.

LuLu tells mommy that things have been tough but the kids are taking everything well and it sure is easier to fuck Jose in the garage without having to worry about the count spoiling the mood. So much easier. It’s just simply amazing, my darling, just simply amazing how much you can endure when you have a half dozen pieces of ass scattered across the tri-state area at any given time. This divorce is a piece of cake, really.

Mommy clicks her dentures in agreement and tells her that she will prevail, she’ll come out stronger after all is said and done, and then LuLu tells her that the divorce was finalised that very day. For a split second LuLu seems almost human but then Gloria ruins it by telling her that she’s a class act who is setting some kind of unbelievable personal example. For whom, cheating whores everywhere?

Seriously, what the fuck do you know, granny? You don’t know shit! Keep pitching that crappy little book of yours, though. You’re doing GREAT with that. Maybe I’ll pick it up if I need to justify insulting subordinates or patting people I barely know on the back for being backstabbing twats. I’m sure there’s a chapter or two on that, right? VILE.

Jill re-emerges from the confines of her boudoir just in time for the end of their mutual ego masturbation session, and the ass kissing continues. Good God, if you want to make your friend feel better on the day of her divorce, pop open some Champers and let loose, don’t hug her and tell her that she was born a countess. Tell her to rejoice in the fact that she can fuck the Jiffy lube guy with abandon now, don’t perpetuate this phony bullshit. You just end up looking like a phony yourself.

It’s Saks time and I’m losing my mind. I think that it’s unhealthy to be exposed to so much crap in one sitting. I’m going to pop some advil before my neck separates from my body, taking what’s left of my brain with it.

Jill’s dress is fabulous, IF you are six feet tall and have good posture. It’s McQueen and you know who would look amazing in it? Alex. She’s angular, she can handle it. But Jill? She’s got the slumped shoulders of the consummate eavesdropper, always leaning forward and around corners to catch every falling syllable.

LuLu’s wearing another hideous purple dress. Is it Ungaro, I wonder? Maybe she’s been relegated to whatever freebies designers are throwing her way in exchange for the television exposure. Either that or she dug out an old Butterick pattern and slaved over it on the rusty Singer in the attic. Maybe it was the new girl.

She can’t cook but she can sure whip up a decent designer knock-off in a jiffy.

The store is closed, save for the twits Jill invited to do a little private shopping on the new designer filled third floor. It’s basically what I refer to as a three-valium evening. Dozens of over the hill heavily made up conspicuous consumers, little yappy dogs and schmaltzy salespeople that would turn tricks to earn a decent commission.

The saving grace on this evening from hell? Ramona. She rocks my world tonight. It’s no secret that I love her, and the same impetuousness that can turn bad like it did when she put Avery in the taxi, can be awesome, like when she shares a little info she heard about Jill.

She says that she was surprised to hear that Jill was throwing this little soiree at Saks because she heard that they were mad at her for wearing clothes and then returning them for a refund. I don’t care if she ‘heard’ that from the voices inside her head, I LOVE IT.

What if it were true? If memory serves me correctly, the very first episode Jill was in the backseat of her car showing off all the invites she recieved that day. Well, you can’t wear the same thing twice, especially if you are getting photographed. So you tuck the tag in and pin it to the lining, whoopdeedo, right? WRONG. Stores don’t like that and it’s kinda hard to lie about it if they pull out the paper and there you are, smiling away in the dress you are returning.

Maybe they reached a detente. Saks told her that if she threw a party and got her surged buddies to throw down some cold, hard cash, she could feel free to borrow, I mean buy stuff any time. They even have a super swanky VIP dressing room for her to show her dowager friends. Now they don’t have to rub elbows with any of the gross shoppers that take the subway or earn less than seven figures. Yay!

Please tell me that Patrick Bateman is on the other side of that doorway in the finest sneakers and chainsaw that Saks has to offer.

Kelly arrives, late as usual and LuLu’s green eyed monster comes out to greet her. She looks her up and down, pronouncing her fur vest “funky,” and looking at the chick next to her for agreement. I hate how she does that. She delivers her dig but wants the person standing next to her to share the load by okaying it. VILE.

Whatever, at least Kelly can AFFORD new ugly things. I don’t see LuLu plopping down cash for anything. But she’s not done yet. Silex arrive and do their usual little routine of Alex trying on something cute and Simon ogling every inch of her like a starving wolf. LuLu makes a crack about how happy he must be to be allowed to hang out shopping in Saks. That’s right LuLu, he’s happy. He loves to shop with his untitled wife. They’re in love and don’t cheat on each other, so put that in your royal pipe and smoke it.

I’m sorry, who’s the loser here?

Alex tells her about a charity event that’s being held by a client of hers and puts in a little dig herself about having to work for a living because “some of us aren’t countesses.” Ha! Good for her. Soo proud. I am enjoying how Silex are morphing into the picture of domestic bliss and lovable quirkiness, while LuLu has had all her dirty laundry aired out for all of us to see and judge. LOVE IT. It’s something out of Dangerous Liasons or Cruel Intentions, only less dueling to the death and more philandering. Same amount of powder *sniff* though.

Simon gets in on the action by telling her that he’s zipping his lips because Mario warned him about her, and what’s that I spy lurking on the outskirts of their conversation in her finest Mother-of-the-Bride attire? Why, it’s Ramona, who uses the utterance of her husband’s name to put her charming two cents in.

She tells Silex that LuLu didn’t want to host the official Labor Day party because she didn’t want them in her house. Uhhhhhhhh, “I didn’t say that,” says LuLu. “Yes you did, Sweetie, Darling. Yes you did.”

“I never said that. I may have called them serfs or something but not want them in my house? Who will fetch the firewood and my carriage?”

LuLu is lying. She totally is. She’s reverting back to the same behaviour she exhibited at the Cancer Society and attacking Ramona for turning red this time instead of her “crazy eyes” to divert attention. Gracious hostess, my ass! If I were Silex, I’d shun her highfalutin’ tush right that second. I’d excuse myself and walk away, demanding a formal apology on that Tiffany stationery as I give her the single fingered salute.

I realise that Ramona shouldn’t have done that because it put both LuLu and Silex on the spot, but tough shit. All the abuse that LuLu has been dishing out deserves some retribution, and Crazy Eyes is planning where to strike next over in the Petites section.

The things you gotta do to amuse yourself while waiting for the Mothership to arrive.

Alex finds her to ask for help in confronting Jill about the parenting remarks when who should waltz around the corner but the meddling fraud herself.

“I wasn’t eavesdropping, I was admiring your legs in those jeans. Have any preschoolers crawled up them lately?”

Alex sends Ramona off to get her a drink and tells Jill that she didn’t appreciate all her comments about Frankie. Instead of owning it, she shifts the blame to LuLu by saying that she’s the one that saw it and passed the story on, not Jill.

Well, guess what. LuLu told Alex that JILL was the one who saw it. As she is explaining this to her, Jill talks over her, doesn’t look her in the eye and says that she’s surprised at how upset Alex is because she loves and cares for her children, she’s always the first person to defend those little boys and……huh? How is that? Because you gave her the number of a preschool two years ago? VILE #1,687,097…..

She says that she’s sorry that she feels that way and then fusses over her blouse and earrings like a mother hen when she sees that Alex IS ON THE VERGE OF TEARS.

You made her cry. End of friendship, bitch.

VILE.
Alex’s tears are the culmination of continuous abuse from the bitches on this show. She ignored it as long as she could but reached her breaking point. Is it weird that I want to take her out of Jill’s clutches and give both LuLu and her a nice roundhouse of a backhand slap? She even had the nerve to interview that she didn’t think that Alex’s tears had anything to do with her. Then who was it? Does Jill have an evil twin running around Manhattan?

Jill never had a clue how hurtful she was being, or she just didn’t care. Neither is acceptable, nor forgiveable until she does some serious grovelling. Her saying, “Don’t you feel better,” once Alex is through crying doesn’t count. It’s condescending, as is calling out for someone to get LuLu over there to set the record straight. Where is LuLu, by the way?

She was in the bathroom ‘powdering’ her nose.

She tells Alex that Darling, Sweetie, you are so mistaken- I never said that I wasn’t the one who saw it, but you know what? Let’s forget all that nonsense because I like you so much more than Ramona and isn’t that such a gas?! These plebians with their delusions that anything they say matters, how quaint! She guffaws with that raspy Kool menthol voice of hers and stumbles off leaving Alex more confused than ever.

Stay Klassy, whore. Now, kick her in her entitled rump.

They all sit down to dinner, Ramona gets hooked up to her I.V. of Pinot Grigio and then Jill tells her that Alex has to leave early for some reason. Ramona wants to know why she bothers to come if she never sees anything through. Well, she probably feels shy and uncomfortable as always, or maybe she got a glimpse of her future if she doesn’t quit lying in the sun-

“Stop, wrinkles, stop. Just stop.”

Jill gives a little toast and Alex shoots her daggers through the whole phony speech about how everyone means the world to her, blah blah blah, and then models walk in a loop around the table in clothes that most of these bitches would look ridiculous wearing.

Ally is wearing too much makeup on that pretty face of hers and why is Simon standing? HOW RUDE of Jill not to make a place for him. Couldn’t they have grabbed another chair from the 2nd floor or something? Sheesh. Everyone knows that you need to prepare for extras, ALWAYS. Even a poor shlub in Cleveland like myself knows that.

Ramona walks around to the other side of the table to talk to LuLu. Old single two face informs her that she isn’t having the best of days since her divorce was final that very day

“and all those bothersome lies have been exposed so be nice to me.”

Ramona apologises for attacking her on such a terrible day but she’d still do it all over again. In a heartbeat. Feeling her second wind, she turns her attention to Leatherface and asks her the only thing that anyone really wants to know but no one has the guts to ask.

“So, are your boobs still not talking to each other?”

Kelly seems to have a sense of humor about it for a second when she asks Ramona if she’s sure that she heard correctly, is she sure it’s not the third time she’s done it, not the second? But then the “You’re out of control” comes out and she reverts to her insults about how she’s better than Ramona and it’s the whole ‘I’m up here, you’re down here’ conversation all over again.

Didn’t you love how LuLu gave her basic social theory in interviews? It’s fine to talk about Kelly’s boobs behind her back, whisper about it all you want but NEVER say anything to her face. THAT is unacceptable. It’s no wonder Alex is so confused by these women. They are the devil. I don’t know what’s worse- thinking that you can say anything you want as long as no one finds out, or embarrassing someone by calling them out for something to their face. I know what’s better, though. The fact that I’m almost never forced to make that decision in my normal, common life.

In this case Ramona should have asked her privately, if at all. Kelly needs to grow a thicker skin. Whatever, the damage is done and Ramona defends herself by saying that she ‘calls it like it is,’ and Kelly acuses her of reading gossip. Um, no honey. Even if she did, anyone with two eyes can tell that your tits are fubar. Nobody needs to read a column to realise that.

She should have taken LuLu’s advice. The only thing she said all day that was truthful and didn’t make me want to hit her was that Leatherface should leave it alone because if she doesn’t, it will only get worse. If you think that Ramona didn’t have a filter before, just wait until she feels attacked.

Kelly says goodbye to Jill with Ramona standing there trying to apologise. She starts to repeat what she said and Kelly tells her that she knows what she said and that if Ramona were her mother, she’d be so embarrassed right now. What? Is she trying to twist this around to what happened with Avery? Talk about coming out of left field.

Ramona’s argument is that she should be more open about it. Nobody is going to judge her if she’s honest. Nobody cares if you got surgery so why is she so sensitive? I have to admit that I am wondering the same thing. It’s obviously a sore spot. LuLu was making fun of her fur vest the whole night and she never took offense, but now that it’s about her boobs, Ramona is being inappropriate?

You posed for Playboy, dumbass!

LuLu has to stick her etiquette-less nose in it and explain to Ramona that some people like to keep some things private,

Like fucking the butcher, the barber, the candlestick maker…….

but like I just said- she posed nude! Why is talking about her breasts an insult? Ramona says that to Alex as Kelly walks away telling her to “Have fun with that.” God, could Kelly be any more inarticulate?

We all know that it’s a sore spot for Leatherface because she really does need to get them fixed. They are wonky and awful and I’d be surprised if her poses in Playboy didn’t involve a bunch of side shots and squeezing them together. There is literally a good half foot separating them across her ribcage. So why would she pose for such an “Iconic book” without reintroducing them to each other?

What a terrible experience this week was. It was almost as awful to watch as I’m sure that it was to live, especially for Alex. It’s such a relief to have Ramona around. As goofy as she is, she is also a lightening rod for controversy. If she’s content to take the slings and arrows if all the hypocrites around her, I’m happy as a clam to root for her every step of the way. I’ll take that over LuLu and Jill’s lies any day.

Tune in with me next time when the ladies rip another hole in the friendship continuum with another Jaw/Jill showdown and even more hideous fashions with even more horrendous cat fights! Someone take a collection, I’m going to need a whole case of this for next time-

Hello Kitty wine! Or as Kelly calls it, Hellllllloooooooooooooooo o o o Tittiieeeeeee e e e……..

Love and Kisses,
Twunty McSlore

Comments (68)
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About Twunty McSlore

Crazy busy, crazy in love and crazy about golf. Not so crazy about narcissists and do-nothings. Completely indifferent to network TV unless a sporting event is being covered, and completely in love with half the chefs on the Travel and Food channels. Chefs, not COOKS. If any of them really ARE chefs. I haven't seen any proof.

Bridge Mix and Butterflies, everybody!

68 Comments

1

Poopsicle

Posted March 31, 2010 at 2:34 pm

I am so glad you called out Gloria on what a raging dusty old cunt she is. I don’t think I can stand seeing another episode with her seething ugly face and shit “advice”. Why is Bravo putting this woman on a pedestal and giving her an advice Blog?? She sucks almost as hard as that jumbo headed Frankenberry lookalike Perez.I hate him. I hate everybody except Alex,and sometimes Bethenny-but I love you Twunty!!!
2

twunty mcslore

Posted March 31, 2010 at 2:45 pm

I love you too, Poopie.

Mommy lost so much credibility with her preposterous dispensing of wisdom with LuLu. Homilies are for refrigerator magnets, not human beings. She needs to tell Lulu to close her legs to male models and stop caring if 14 year olds think she’s hot before she winds up behind bars in Suffolk county for statutory rape, MY LOVE.

I’m so glad that you agree with me, by the way. I was kinda worried that I was the only one.
3

msjacqmills

Posted March 31, 2010 at 2:46 pm

I know, Poopsicle!! The way Gloria went on and on to Lulu about what a classy lady she was – BARF! Eck – DOUBLE BARF!

I’m Team Alex/Ramona/semi-Bethenny, all the way!

Twunty – LOVE YOU!!
4

shantigal

Posted March 31, 2010 at 3:05 pm

Dear Smutty Worn Cel, (yup, I’m still at it) vile is a word often used in my family as I have an inlaw who believes that expensive=tasteful.

This episode had me laughing at the sheer preposterous behavior of the cuntess and her hand-maiden. I would have loved to see Alex toss her drink in Jill’s face after that condecending bullshit that rambled out of her mouth. Like mother, like daughter.

Nothing makes me laugh harder than your recaps though. Bye bye, see you in hell.
5

twunty mcslore

Posted March 31, 2010 at 3:16 pm

Love you too msj et shanti.

Gloria- Go Liar!
hahahahaha
6

twunty mcslore

Posted March 31, 2010 at 3:28 pm

I made a boo boo, kids. I was so excited to go thrift shopping today that I rushed and used the name Alex instead of Kelly on page 10, right above the picture of Jocelyn Wildenstein’s cousin. Sowwy!
7

hisroyalhighness

Posted March 31, 2010 at 4:05 pm

“She leaves Kelly alone because she envies her, and who knows? In the dark with enough coke in your system at Bungalow 8, anyone will do in those bathrooms, especially one who already looks so manly.”

LOL! C’est vrai (as the now dethroned-Countess used to say to her husband when he told her how much he had come to loath her).

Love you Twunty!!
8

extremehoney7

Posted March 31, 2010 at 4:19 pm

Just, really quickly… loooong time reader, first time commentor. I look forward to the recaps every week and I totally get it that snark is the goal here.

But a horn joke?
On a Jewish woman?
Not cool.

“Book-gate” was bothering me as well. In the publishing industry, an issue of a magazine is often referred to as a book. Kelly has been a model for many years and for her to refer to Playboy as a book wasn’t a mis-step in context of her experience.

I am an insurance goon in Southern, AZ so no expert and no relation but just like, please no more jokes that use old slurs.

Mad Men with the blackface this season was about as uncomfortable as it gets and bless ‘em for going there but this one, unintentional as I hope it was, was not necessary.
9

twunty mcslore

Posted March 31, 2010 at 4:22 pm

I love you too, HRH, but I’m going to take all that love away if you don’t take a picture the next time LuLu hits on your boyfriend in a nightclub. Pwease, for me?
10

hisroyalhighness

Posted March 31, 2010 at 4:34 pm

For you Twunty – anything. Even the risk of confiscation of my precious iPhone.

Consider it done.
11

twunty mcslore

Posted March 31, 2010 at 4:45 pm

extreme, clue me in why the horn comment was in poor taste? Please. I am well aware that the Jewish people have been drawn with horns on their heads by ignorant assholes across Europe. This is a RECAP. If you thought my intention was to conjure up those images, maybe you need to get a hobby. I have Jewish friends who i would walk through glass for, so for you to insinuate any ill will on my part exposes you as a shit stirrer on par with Jill.

As for the book. Again please. I modeled for nine years in NYC and the only time we ever referred to a book was when we were talking about our portfolio or the ‘book’ of agency photos that My agent would send out every year. Mags were issues. Period. If that has changed, fine, but all the friends that I still have in the New York fashion industry sure have been doing a good job of keeping it from me.

Other than that, congrats on being a first time commentor. I absolutely do not mind when someone disagrees with me. That is part of the process here at TVgasm. But implying any kind of racism on my part will not be tolerated. Continue to comment if you wish but this is the last I will say on this issue, I mean ‘book.’
12

Poopsicle

Posted March 31, 2010 at 4:56 pm

Good for you Twunty on defending yourself. Most of us know that there is not a racist bone in your body. Maybe someone is reading a page from Jill and Gloria’s book-Secrets of a shit stirrer.
13

whoochile

Posted March 31, 2010 at 5:17 pm

Sorry extremehoney, I don’t understand the problem with the horns on Jill. I am also confused with “no more jokes that use old slurs”, I don’t understand what you mean. What does being an insurance “goon” have to do with anything? To whom are you claiming you are not related? I have so many questions about your comment! What does Mad Men have to do with RHONY????
14

here4beer

Posted March 31, 2010 at 5:58 pm

As an Italian-American, I am offended by the use of the word “goon” and will not tolerate it. You’re all a bunch of fucking racist pigs!!

Love,
O! Herb Reefer (hereforbeer!)
15

twunty mcslore

Posted March 31, 2010 at 6:24 pm

reefer hero, I said Go on, my friend, go on with your bad Italian self. How dare you accuse me of being anti-guido?!? I watch Jersey Shore and my grandfather is from Naples. You are just a mafioso shit stirrer and that’s all I have to say about that! GTL, peace out! (please don’t kill me, I have a nice chocolate stout in the kitchen)

Oh, and thanks for the support from all my other widdle Gasmii babies. I love you buckets and you know it. Now go visit your nearest Salvation Army. I found a pair of brand new golf shoes for $8 and a BCBG Marilyn dress (tags still on) for 3.99! Nothing can spoil my mood right now, nothing!
16

realitee

Posted March 31, 2010 at 7:09 pm

What has the world come to that I actually like Alex?

Always been Team B…but she’s just so angry. If her life is going so swimmingly why is she so damn pissed off? I get that Jill and Lulu are nuts but B has got herself a new boy and a thriving career so why waste any time dealing with these yentas? Just don’t get it. The Julu wondertwins would be way more annoyed if B just acted like she didn’t care instead of getting into spats with them at every event.

I wait every week for this recap…so thank you…it was fantastic as usual. Just sad we didn’t get one for the RHoOC reunion it would have been awesome

xoxo

ps – As one of the chosen people I laughed at the horns on the head joke. Didn’t even occur to me to be offended and I don’t see the issue or even get why anyone would be hypersensitive to this particular image – just my 2 cents.
17

twunty mcslore

Posted March 31, 2010 at 7:25 pm

realitee, thanks for the compliment and I am SO sorry I didn’t recap the reunion. The two recaps that I do every week drain me hardcore and that week I think that I may have done three. I haven’t even watched it yet, should I? I’d watch it and do a recap but I’m afraid that it’s kinda too late now. I’m sorry. Can I make up for it with a Jamie Mythbusters emoticon? Mr. McSlore just showed me how to do this last week-
/:â‚¬
18

smithy

Posted March 31, 2010 at 7:43 pm

Hate what Jill did to her apartment I liked it better before, Brad seems to be somewhat overrated
Liked Jill last season, this season not so much but never cared for Gloria. I feel the same as you do. She gets on my nerves big time.
I cringe when Jill goes on and on to anyone that will listen about her mother being the Best advice guru in the world :BULLSHIT

Luann should remember she’s an American Indian from Connecticut and get over herself
Could she please tell her daughter to chew with her mouth closed? Every time they show that kid eating she’s chomping away like a cow
Is there anything in her class book about eating?

Ramona throwing her daughter in a taxi alone so she could run off to a party WTF?? Avery said “By myself?” as she was being shoved into the taxi she seemed scared. Ramona should have taken her daughter home first then if there was time go to the party
What is it with her drastic mood swings? She should try to tone that down she acts like she is either a raving lunatic or doing some serious drugs. Does she watch herself on this show and realize how she is acting or does she just not care? I certainly find her entertaining but I’m not her daughter so it doesn’t make my mom the crazy one
19

chemgal

Posted March 31, 2010 at 8:10 pm

@realitee laughed so hard when I got to the end of your post and saw you too are one of the chosen people cause when you asked why B so angry, I thought, she must have never hung out with us ny/nj jews. that’s not angry. all you need to do is look at gloria, that’s all our moms but on a less vile scale. (although when my mom found out my brother was marrying a catholic *gasp!* she made Gloria look capable of becoming a saint in said church. for fun i told her i was thinking of buying an xmas tree, or pointing out the fact that she was bitching while eating a ham sandwich (she’s kosher when it suits her) I too not offended by the horn comment, didn’t even give it enough thought to be offended. can’t remember who called perez frankenberry — but hit that nail on the head. glad other people hate him as much as I do, who the fuck is he to out people. i can put up with the gossiping and shit, those folks kind of ask for it going into hollywood, but everyone should be allowed to come out if and when they want.
20

realitee

Posted March 31, 2010 at 9:25 pm

@chemgal – see? as one of the chosen from the land of fruit and nuts I’ve forgotten all about my NY roots. You are so right! We’ve gone soft with all the yoga, non fat food and spray tans. Seriously, what I would do for a fatty steak with garlic mashed potatos…you have no idea.

twunty – all is forgiven simply because you rock.
21

LastCall

Posted March 31, 2010 at 10:59 pm

Thank you Ms. Twunty! I enjoyed this recap almost as much as I enjoyed watching the episode. It’s as if you were reading my mind. Unlike so many other recappers (et al) I run aross, you are obviously not stupid enough to fall for any of Jill or Lulu’s whiny bullshit.
I like Bethenny more than ever at this point, but she seems to have become the most hated Housewife this season – as far as the interwebs are concerned that is. Fuck You, interwebs!
Oh, how I love to see the countess squirm when her lies and hypocrisy are exposed. But if I have to hear LuAnn or Jill say, “This is not the appropriate place.” one more time, I’m going to open a vein.

It was a little rude for Ramona to send Avery home so she could go to that stupid party, IMO, but only because Ramona had made a big deal about it’s being Avery’s first fashion show and supposedly a big Mother-Daughter event. Putting Avery in a cab by herself didn’t bother me at all though. Kids who grow up in Manhattan routinely take cabs, buses and subway trains by themselves. Plus it was still daylight out, that was a relatively short trip and the Singers’ building has a doorman. I seriously doubt that Avery was frightened in any way, although she did seem kind of disappointed to get dumped by Ramona that way. The unplanned trip to the Perez Hilton party may have been scripted anyway though. Simon said in his blog that they all got invitations to that thing so Ramona had to have been aware of it before Kelly brought it up.

Oh well, on to Thursday night’s (drama filled, I’m sure) episode.

And Mazel Tov, Mr. & Mrs. Hoppy!
22

texasgal75

Posted April 1, 2010 at 4:10 am

Okay, so I had to comment about Kelly’s wonkiness in the chest area. Twunty, you know you were so on point(unlike her boobs). I saw the March 2010 issue of Playboy,and sho’ nuff, Kelly took side shots the whole time. She has one frontal, but she is holding a pillow over her chest. This isn’t the same photo shoot that she did on the show,though, so maybe her spread/layout in the anniversary issue is different (neither spread or layout sounds right, but oh well). And they airbrushed the shit outta her leathery face. You should check it out (as they also have a kind of creepy yet entertaining interview with one of Perez’s favorite sluts, John Mayer.)

Keep on keepin’ on. The show gives me a headache (maybe it’s all those margaritas I have to down while watching–they are not “skinny” ones, btw), but your recaps are hysterical.
23

twunty mcslore

Posted April 1, 2010 at 5:05 am

Hey, kids. Did you know that they call Jill ‘Shill’ over on the Bravo message boards? How perfect is that?

And, please, can I hear some angry Jewish mom stories? I grew up with a half Italian mom that could wring your neck from across the room and pinch your thigh in the car from the front seat of a 1960s Buick LeSabre the size of a NY studio apartment. I LOVE those stories.
24

njgasmifan

Posted April 1, 2010 at 8:29 am

GREAT JOB TWUNTY! In my experience reading your recaps,you are not racist AT ALL. You call ‘em like you see ‘em, and a lying bitch is a lying bitch no matter their background. And that’s why we love you so!!!

Lastcall, think you’re on to something. Avery maybe was not afraid of going home alone as much as she was disappointed that the mother/daughter day ended when Crazy Eyes got a “better offer”.

Ah, Ramona. Why is it that this season her bipolar insanity seems refreshing? In comparision to the calculated lying and backstabbing of Lulu and Jill the Shill, she is spontainous – crazy as a shithouse rat, but occasionally she cracks me up.

And speaking of Crazy Eyes, when she was talking about Jill grilling her she said “Jill will be on me like white rice”. Whee doggies I love these quips. I am thinking of writing a book of Ramona malaprops – hey, I can write at least as well as Jill & Gloria, Bethenny and Countass!

Both Jill and Gloria seem to have let “fame” go to their heads. I’m so with everyone else here, Gloria is an overbearing, annoying woman with shitty advice.

Twunty, darling – my Irish mother could (and did) throw a shoe to rival CC Sabathia. The Virgina Slim would barely move in her mouth when she threw, and you would be stunned. She also wielded a mean wooden spoon….

love, Fags N Jamin.
25

shantigal

Posted April 1, 2010 at 9:25 am

@Fags N Jamin – I forgot about the white rice quip. Gawd, that one had me rolling. You’re right, Ramona’s maniacal swings are the most refreshing scenes so far.

No angry jewish mama here, but angry nonetheless. I think it’s more of an oppressed eastern-european thing (Croation-Catholic). I once got the backhand for sitting on freshly ironed curtains, which resulted in a broken blood vessel on the back of my mom’s hand . This self inflicted injury was then used to guilt me even further for being such a disappointment.

Is there a double-secret guilt inflicting academy that jewish & catholic moms are required to attend?
26

LindaLC

Posted April 1, 2010 at 10:07 am

Hey everyone, LOVE the recap and the comments! This show is nuts this season. I just can’t believe that Alex and Simon are the most normal ones. Thank God Ramona took her crazy pills before that Saks event for some comic relief. I have no idea how Avery is turning out so great; obviously her parents love her and have shown that to her.

I kept rewinding my DVR to try and catch exactly what LuLu said to Miss B at the fashion show, but I couldn’t catch it. Good for B for calling it a dig, but she shouldn’t have taken it that far. Why not just sit down and watch the show? Can’t these women ever hash out their personal issues in private?? I’ll never understand that.

I still love B, and Alex has grown on me, but Kelly is as dumb as a rock, J & LL are twofaced, and Ramona is nuts. What will happen to this show once Lady B is gone??
27

njgasmifan

Posted April 1, 2010 at 10:18 am

@shantigirl – my Mom once broke a wooden spoon on my brother’s backside, and then guilted him because she had to throw out the broken spoon and get a new one!
28

njgasmifan

Posted April 1, 2010 at 10:19 am

@shantigirl – my Mom once broke a wooden spoon on my brother’s backside, and then guilted him because she had to throw out the broken spoon and get a new one! Yeah, the Catholic Moms have guilt down, too.
(for the record, I know this story sounds a little Mommy Dearest – we were not abused, just that Mom did put with crap and my brother went out of his way to try her patience!)
29

chemgal

Posted April 1, 2010 at 10:23 am

when in college on family weekend my friends and I use to play “jewish, italian or irish?” and we would try to guess what each mom was. you’d be surprised how hard it is to figure out!
30

margo

Posted April 1, 2010 at 10:25 am

I heard that Jill and Patty from millionare matchmaker are besties now!

Glad to see some love for B!
31

twunty mcslore

Posted April 1, 2010 at 10:31 am

fags n jammin, are we related? MY mother did the same thing to my brother, only it was his HEAD. She splintered off part of the rounded spoon and then made him get in the car and drive to Acme with her to get a new one. That trip around the store with her bitching was much worse than the bump on his noggin, more scarring too.

And Shanti, I know this academy you speak of. It’s run by THEIR mothers, and their mothers before them and so on, and so on……

Linda- I think that Miss B cut her off before she could really get going but she was doing the exact same shit she always does. Refresh my memory, do you recall another moment at another fashion show in the past where there was some kind of controversy over someone claiming to invite Ramona to a show when it was really the other way around? Was it Kelly? My point is that these stupid fashion shows have been a point of contention for quite a while now. LuLu likes to push B’s buttons, the cheeky trollop.
32

twunty mcslore

Posted April 1, 2010 at 10:36 am

I live in Cleveland Heights, chemgal. The answer here is; All of The Above.

and Margo, are you April Fool’s-ing me? Are you freaking kidding? How long before Shill talks her into writing a book chock full of love advice based on less commen sense than is possessed by the average reader of Teen Vogue?
33

Margo

Posted April 1, 2010 at 11:06 am

So vile….
34

njgasmifan

Posted April 1, 2010 at 11:17 am

Twunty, I’d love that – how cool it would be if we were related! We could hang out and be besties.

Brother was sitting in the yard, Mom came to the back door and yelled for him to come inside. He said “no” (never a wise move). Mom repeated her request, he ignored her. Mom then took off her infamous slipper of death, and said “if you don’t come in right now you will get it”. Brother STILL does not get up, so Mom cocks her throwing arm and lets fly – aiming over his head as a warning shot. Brother finally realizes he is in deep shit, so he stands up – just in time for the slipper to connect with his forehead. Brother is crying “you hit me!”, Mom replies (feeling a little guilty for hitting him square in the head) “well, it’s your fault for standing up!” And brother wails “but you TOLD me to!” What was I doing? LMAO!
35

PottyMouth

Posted April 1, 2010 at 11:20 am

Twunty,

LOVE LOVE LOVE you! You know, I started reading the housewives recaps when Yenta was doing them, and honestly, I didn’t think anyone would ever be able to live up to her. YOU DO. And then some.

Thanks for always bringing the funny while knocking these bitches down a peg or two. I’m still in shock over the fact that Alex has become my favorite person on this show!

It’s so funny that you kept saying VILE during this episode, because that’s exactly what I was saying too!!! I can’t wait for the episode where Alex calls them out on being mean girls!!

Oh, and my mom is a combo of Irish and Italian Catholic, and while she’s never done any spooning, that woman can guilt you like no one’s business.

Mucho kisses and kadooz,
SWAK, PottyMouth
36

J-Mo

Posted April 1, 2010 at 11:30 am

Head. Spinning. Can’t. Form. Sentences. Laughing. Too. Hard. For. Breathing. Love. J. Mo. .
37

Bionic Television

Posted April 1, 2010 at 11:38 am

Hey All!

I am a first-time comment-er after reading TVGasm for YEARS, but I felt compelled to chime in about two things here:

1) I am Jewish, and the JZ/horns thing did NOT strike me as offensive because of the context (it’s pretty clear that Twunty just thinks Jill is diabolical). However, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t make the connection. Hey, we’re sensitive! (I kid, I kid.)

2) The term “book” to mean a magazine (not just an issue, but the title itself – e.g., ‘Vogue is an extremely respected book with a lot of authority in the fashion world’) is pretty widely used – not only by models, but by publishers and advertisers (I worked in advertising for three years and we always referred to mags as “books”). If you remember the film version of “The Devil Wears Prada,” they throw it around a lot. It’s actually a pretty intelligent, industry-savvy thing to say – I was shocked to hear Kelly use it! She probably heard it in a business meeting or something.

Kisses,
BT
38

shantigal

Posted April 1, 2010 at 12:08 pm

I swear, I’ll stop after this one. Can’t help it, I had so much fun with this last week. Twunty, you bring out my inner jr. high girl.

I realized that I had forgot the VanKempens last week for the anagrams.

Not so great for Alex:
Enema Vex Plank
Spank Memo

But Simon VanKempen:
Pensive Monk Man
Semen Ink Mop
Venom Pink Manse
Some Vamp Inn

And for the newest houseWIFE, Bethenny Frankel-Hoppy:
Phony Barfly Kept Hen
Heathen Knob
Panty Hop Pet
39

twunty mcslore

Posted April 1, 2010 at 12:11 pm

Oh my gawd, you are killing me, shanti! Wait, did you try it with McCord?
40

njgasmifan

Posted April 1, 2010 at 12:20 pm

Spank Memo and Semen Ink Mop?? Phony Barfly Kept Hen?

Oh my word Shanti – these are PERFECT!

These bitches bring out the jr high in us all, since maturity-wise they are still there….
41

shantigal

Posted April 1, 2010 at 12:33 pm

Oops, Spank Memo is for Simon.

Here’s Alex McCord VanKempen: Hail -there’s too many!

Cavemen Cock Den
Command Kleenex Car
Canker Clap
Commend Carnal Peck Vex
Complex Redneck Van Cam
Damp Con Men Crackle Vex
Concede Max Rank
42

margo

Posted April 1, 2010 at 12:40 pm

good stuff!!
43

njgasmifan

Posted April 1, 2010 at 12:43 pm

Cavemen Cock Den???
Canker Clap?? I need a paper bag to breathe into, I think I’m hyperventilating from laughter….

Shanti, great job!
love, Fags
44

chemgal

Posted April 1, 2010 at 1:35 pm

My mom’s favorite “why don’t you just kill me?” followed by some version of “just put the knife right here because that would hurt me a lot less than _________” fill in the blank for whatever my brother and I were doing.
45

njgasmifan

Posted April 1, 2010 at 1:38 pm

Whenever we would talk about something in the future, like “I can’t wait till Christmas!” Mom would say “we could all be dead by then”. Quite cheery, don’t you agree??? Is it any wonder I am what I am today????
46

chemgal

Posted April 1, 2010 at 7:51 pm

my mom has already told me what clothes she wants to wear when she dies and of course who I am to kick out if they dare come to visit. not to be outdone, my father has a death book, it is actually labeled death book. it has all his papers in it. its sort of sweet in a sick way that even if he isn’t around, he wants to make sure my mom is prepared and doesn’t have to look for anything. but my husband can’t figure out why I am like I am and I try to explain its all due to growing up surrounded by death books and burial outfits.
47

realitee

Posted April 1, 2010 at 10:40 pm

Love you guys! My childhood is coming up in other peeps comments…how is that possible???

My mother had AMAZING aim with shoes. When Eddie Murphy came out with that stand up routine on shoe throwin’ moms it was old news in my house. One time my mom grabbed a wooden clog (by mistake I believe…I hope…) and chucked that sucker down the hallway. My sisters and I barely got our bedroom door shut before it smashed into it. Then for years whenever we messed up she would point to the mark in the door to remind us of our mistake. My mom was anything but abusive but dayam, that woman had an arm. Oh, and my brother had a wooden spoon broken on his head too…totally deserved and apparently a right of passage in the Jewish/Italian/Catholic experience. xoxo
48

realitee

Posted April 1, 2010 at 10:45 pm

p.s. semen ink mop. perfection
49

njgasmifan

Posted April 2, 2010 at 8:01 am

It must be something about that generation. If I tried to throw a shoe, I would most likely sprain my shoulder and brain one of the cats.
50

Baxter

Posted April 2, 2010 at 8:20 am

Love all the comments!!

My mom was a huge fan of the tight upper arm grab. If we were at the mall or out somewhere and I started acting like a fool..I got the immediate upper arm grab and the low whisper in my ear “Would you like me to take you outside?”. I always straightened up immediately so luckily I never found out what was going to happen outside.
51

uglycutie

Posted April 2, 2010 at 8:23 am

Mrs. Mcslore (yes, respect IS required!), I think I’m in love!!!

I’m joining the party late but you all crack me up. First, Twunty, your recap is like eating my favorite meal reeeal slow…then the reader comments are like licking the plate clean. I don’t know. It’s early and I’m starved.

Anyhoo, on all this tough mother talk, let me give you guys a different point of view. I grew up with a Mexican mother (yeah). While some of my American friends (different races, just born & raised here) talked back and sassed their parents, that was almost unheared of in our household. Wellll, one day in high school I told my mom that I was ready to move out. At sixteen. She just gave “the” look. As she started to talk I interrupted her and told her I didn’t care what she said and I was going to do what I wanted. God, I remember so clearly, we were in the laundry room. All of al sudden, like an out of body experience-type thing I heard the word bitch slowly coming out of my mouth. Bad move. Faster than I’ve ever seen this short, chubby woman move in my whole life…she was on me like WHITE RICE (shout out, Ramona!) and grabbed my mouth and twisted. I ended up with claw marks around my mouth. The next day at school I couldn’t tell anyone that my four-nothing mother became a ninja and messed me up for cursing at her so I was shamed into lying about some made up fight I had with a girl no one had ever heard of. I thought it would give me street cred but I don’t think anyone really believed me but they never told me to my face.

First and last time I ever cursed at my sweet, angel, SAINT of a mother.

Back to the show, who is continuing the drama between Kelly and Ms. B? I noticed it last epi when Bethenny posed for Peta and KK tried on furs but in this epi KK asks cLULUless how she wants to be introduced knowing damn well that was a “thing” between Luann and Bethenny on a previous season.
52

twunty mcslore

Posted April 2, 2010 at 8:52 am

Okay, here goes another one. My Italian/Irish mama was a corporal punishment assumer. If someone was within striking distance when something happened, they would usually feel either a preliminary blow or the full brunt if she assumed you were the one that cursed or whatever. Some of us swore, some fought bit everyone had an M.O. Mine was mostly being a smart aleck.

Once I had the gall to grab her ass. I learned this from my father who would grope my mom’s butt in the grocery store, in line at the post office or even in the waiting room at the dentist. She ass umed it was one of my brothers and turned to deliver a whack heard ’round the world, more befitting a six foot 170 pound boy. Left a really nice purple hand print. I, too had to pull the lies out at school the next morning. No one believed me and I finally admitted that I got slapped for copping a feel from my own mom.
BEAT THAT, BITCHES. Hahahahaha!

Why am I not in therapy?
53

njgasmifan

Posted April 2, 2010 at 9:18 am

I thought this WAS our therapy….
54

ikillededwardcullen

Posted April 2, 2010 at 12:26 pm

Twunty! Your recapse CRACK ME UP every week. I love that you called Gloria out because I could only sit in front of my television, astounded at how irritating, nagging, and authorotative she was. You say all the snarky, hilarious things that I think to myself while subjecting myself to this franchise and then some. Love it Also, about the horn comment…I just made a connection to Satan, because that’s honestly who Jill is reminding me of this season. Team B all the way!
55

guitarheromom

Posted April 4, 2010 at 6:04 pm

Dear Every One, especially Twunty,

I had an horrible, life altering week that included a death in the family and then some. This is the first time I’m been able to concentrate for longer than 10 minutes. Thanks for the snarkism. I would not believe I could laugh again so soon.

You all know these rh’s have no idea how petty and contrived their lives are.

Thanks for taking me to an alternate universe. I feel born again.

P.S. I don’t get the Horn reference to Jews. Can someone explain?
56

guitarheromom

Posted April 4, 2010 at 6:07 pm

I had A horrible, life altering week…
57

chemgal

Posted April 4, 2010 at 6:45 pm

Guitarheromom – so sorry about your loss and the chaos that is passing for life right now.
regarding the horns. in a lot of art work, jews would be depicted with horns, kind of goblin like and it was to symbolize evil. on a more academic bent, and I should probably google this before continuing as i am shaky on the details, the story of moses and the burning bush was mistranslated, and instead of light coming out of his head, it became horn and then a painting was done with him having horns (sorry Mr. Newitz, I know you told me in detail, but I just can’t remember it all).
58

twunty mcslore

Posted April 5, 2010 at 5:04 am

guitarheromom,
I am so sorry for your loss. Really, I couldn’t possibly say enough.

My father passed on 9/11/04. I didn’t feel normal for almost two years. This, right on the heels of a divorce, was the worst time of my life, no question. I stumbled through each day, couldn’t remember anything for the life of me, and didn’t take advantage of my support group of friends like I should have.

We’re all here for you and trust that things will get better. It may not feel like it now but it will.

There’s an old Danish proverb about friendships being your needs answered, so take advantage of your friends and your Gasmii family to come to your aid. I’ll be writing all day and my email is twunty.mcslore@gmail.com.

Consider yourself hugged.
xoxoxoxoxoxo
Twunty
59

margo

Posted April 5, 2010 at 5:45 am

twunty (and everyone)

I must say, this forum makes my week! And I hope the anagrams go on forever… I put in The real housewives of NYC and over 10,000 sayings came up! I was laughing so hard and I wrote some down but I missed placed the paper and now it’s sort of late to put them on there. And twunty, yes I was serious about the “besties” comment… Want more gossip? Well, when B was a guest host on the today show, apparently, Jill called them up bitching that it should have been herself hosting and not B.
I think we are just beginning to see what a real bitch jill is…..
Although I had a small moment where I felt a tiny bit sorry when the mother and sister were being impossible, that couldn’t be easy to be around all the time…
60

twunty mcslore

Posted April 5, 2010 at 6:21 am

margo- if you want to be my new bestie, you must eat Triscuits. You pick the kind you like (I happen to prefer rosemary and olive oil) and you can join the rest of us like marijai and shanti on the front lawn relaxing on our sun loungers and watching the trainwrecks go by. We alternate booze duties here, a tradition started by the Great and Powerful YentaPatrol.

As for Jill? She thinks she’s better than Miss B, doesn’t she? Why else pull a manouevre like that?

VILE #2,879,055
61

njgasmifan

Posted April 5, 2010 at 6:47 am

@guitarheromom – just wanted to add my condolences. It’s good to have a place to go where you can let some of the stress go and laugh and be normal – I’m really glad that TVGasm is providing that for you. From my own experiences, I know that sometimes it seems like life will never be normal again, but time and good friends can help heal. As Twunty said, we are all here for you! big hugs xoxox
62

shantigal

Posted April 5, 2010 at 10:24 pm

Was jonesin’ for some Twuntiness and saw your post, guitarheromom. My sympathies to you and your family. It is IMPOSSIBLE to not laugh at Twunty’s amazing wit and the fab commenters. I’m so glad you found refuge here, I always do.

On another note, this has nothing to do with RHONY or anagrams (nag a ram-hee), but while enjoying my white trash lunch of baloney and mayo on Trisquits the other day, I thought of an amazing band name for we fans of the divine wheat cracker. TRISQUIT SISTER.
What say ye? Anyone want to join my band?

This is evidence that I am bored (& odd) and need a Twunty fix, stat.
63

twunty mcslore

Posted April 6, 2010 at 4:40 am

hey everybody, sorry to be a downer but me and Mr. McSlore got some disheartening news. I’ve got five dogs in the house again and an emergency situation. Bear with me as I churn out my next recaps. It might be a while.

Also, I heard from guitarheromom. She’s going through some really heavy shit right now. Please say a prayer for her. We Triscuit Sisters must stick together! That goes for you gay Gasmii too. We’ll call you a Triscuit Sister with a Twist. (love you, Shanti. You are truly inspired this week!)

Love and Stuff,
La Twunt
64

chemgal

Posted April 6, 2010 at 8:55 am

Sending up prayers for both Twunty and guitarheromom.
65

margo

Posted April 7, 2010 at 7:30 am

Sorry to hear bad news,don’t know what’s going on but I will keep you in my thoughts.
I will also get a box of trisquits and say a little prayer for ya’ll with each one I eat!!!
66

AnneM

Posted April 8, 2010 at 12:34 pm

Guitarhero and Twunty sorry for your troubles, will keep you in my prayers.

Twunty,

Thank you for calling out Gloria. I’ve hated that troll since she hauled her Queen Mother act to Bravo perched on Jill’s shoulder. She and Jill have the gall to call themselves friends and then set out to insult and degrade others like they are handing out pearls of wisdom.

The truth is Jill and Gloria shit on people and then expect them to say thank you.

I loved your description of Kelly and Lulu’s appearance. I think they look like a couple of strips of fried bacon.

And I’m proud of Ramoannnnnaaa for not being the craziest person on this show anymore. She’s starting to catch on and figure out it’s better to keep her mouth shut and just let the others hang themselves.

Fun show and a good mood enhancer.

Thanks,

TVannie
67

TheVoiceOfReason

Posted April 9, 2010 at 9:16 am

1. Great recap, Twunty. Extremehoney is indeed a shit stirrer. No way that’s a long-time reader. Whatev.

2. I think I mentioned once before that this is my Happy Place of escaping the yukky stuff in my life. GuitarHeroMom, I feel ya. I drive from the nursing home to the Sonic to get a giant bucket-o-tea and FFs. I sit in all my Sonic junk food glory, reading these recaps and laughing until my dad’s Alzheimer’s is less painful. Cheaper than therapy, right? Prayers for you for whatever is going on from an Internet buddy, hon. Big hugs, too.

3. My momma was half-Italian and a transplanted Yankee who lived all our lives in Texas, where one’s hair is big so as to be closer to Jeezus, ya know. Anyway,
We had a 1972 Pontiac station wagon with no A/C which my mom drove with a Virginia Slim in one hand, Tammy Wynette wailing on the radio. If she didn’t agree with what went on behind her pink-spongy-rollered head, she could slip off her sandal, swat all legs within reach, and sort out the problem; ALL WHILE DRIVING 70MPH, WITHOUT MISSING A BEAT TO “D-I-V-O-R-C-E” OR FLICKING THE ASH OFF THE END OF HER CIG. God, I miss her!
68

twunty mcslore

Posted April 9, 2010 at 10:42 am

Hi voiceofreason,
Sorry about your Dad’s Alzheimers. Heartbreaking stuff to deal with. I’m glad that I can make you laugh once in a while.

We had a ’71 Pontiac Grand Prix, it was a freaking boat! I can’t imagine how huge your station wagon was, yet your mom was still able to whack you while driving? Now that’s talent!

Real Housewives of New York City: Guileless Liars and Their Candid Counterparts

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Real Housewives of New York City: Guileless Liars and Their Candid Counterparts

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