This week Bethenny gets her own Euro boy toy; Silex does the great reveal; Leather is, well, completely FUBAR; and Crazy Eyes gets beautified.
Everybody armed and ready? Well then, Gasmi, start your livers and take the jump…
Hold up world, there’s a mini-crisis happening in the Silex universe. After buying all of their furniture, lamps and chandeliers, they’ve suddenly realized that they don’t have any window treatments. The horror of it all!! I feel for them, I truly do. Simon could just weep at the thought of NAKED windows in his house.
I could just weep at the thought of naked ANYTHING in their house. So, by all means, spare us the pain. Grab those demon spawn that you call children and rush off to Zarin Fabrics to find something appropriate to cover those bare panes of glass.
Want to strike terror into the hearts of any upper crust retailer? Bring some enterprising toddlers into the store. Seriously, unless you have the little tykes drugged into a state of zombie like compliance, or physically restrained by nannies of sumo wrestling proportions, you know it’s going to be a nightmare.
Ever the optimist, before entering the store Simon reminds his kids “We look with our eyes, not with our fingers.” Just think how many marriages could be saved if those words were truly learned. Yes, Count, I’m talking to you. As a further precaution, Simon is clutching a toddler in each arm. Sadly, his biceps are doomed to muscle failure.
I hope that Silex is setting money away for their boys’ future legal needs. Of course, everything boils down to personal priorities. It may not be a priority in the Silex universe to teach their children appropriate behavior, but their kids will never ever indulge in the faux pas of fake animal prints.
In their own inimitable fashion, Silex eventually settles on their fabric choice. Alex tells us that their taste is dramatic; it has flair. Flair is a great thing for entertainers. I have no idea why people think it’s a good thing in day to day life. Seriously, flair is exhausting.
Lady B is getting her hair done and shilling for her hair dresser’s salon, Francky L’Official. Wow. This is so the new Frenglish. I hope Silex is watching, because you know Francois could totally go with Francky and still be all artsy and European. Talk about a hot sexy gay man. Too bad he’s got a compulsive teeth whitening thing going on. His reflection in the mirror has got to be blinding.
Seriously, I’m beginning to think that aging model/actors never die, they just compete for spots on the hausenfrau franchise. We’ve already got Alex, Lulu, Bethenny, Kelly, and Maxie all working hard to extend the life of their previous model/actor pasts. Why not add some more never-was-almost-has-been faces to the show. Francky’s trying to fix Lady B up with his ex-model, bestie Philippe. Lady B’s not so much into the whole model/actor thing. I guess those years of living in LA and trying to work as an actor left their mark on her, or maybe she’s just trying to work out a deep-seated crush on Donald Trump from her stint on the Apprentice. Either way, she doesn’t warm up to the idea until Francky mentions that Philippe isn’t just a pretty face, he also co-owns a photography studio, and Bethenny is going to have much better sex with a hot guy than a nerdy business type. Alrighty then, Lady B can make that work. For his part, Francky’s been putting some serious effort into this hookup. He’s even been showing Philippe googled pictures of Lady B decked out in a turquoise bikini.
Bethenny mentions that she’s a “born again virgin”, which I’m pretty sure is technically impossible. However, Lady B doesn’t want to be a “born again virgin”, she wants to be a “born again slut”. Luckily that aspiration is much more possible, and even probable. It’s also a lot more interesting than the dreary “ticking womb/dying egg” storyline that Bethenny tends to revert to. Without any financially solvent, irresistibly attractive men on the horizon, who also happen to be in possession of viable sperm and are desperate for marriage and children, Bethenny is ready to go for the classic “even though you’re gay we can still have a family” backup plan. Not that I’m judging her. There comes a time in many a young woman’s life where she just knows that the thing to do is to marry her gay bestie and call it good. Happily for everybody involved, these plans rarely come to fruition, but I’ve got to say that Lady B is bringing more to the table to close the deal than I ever did. A house in the Hamptons, complete financial support, and the freedom to do whatever he wants in exchange for a short little ceremony and some bodily fluids, no wonder Francky’s looking intrigued.
Over in Brooklyn, Simon is sweeping away and muttering about dust infestation. Poor guy. You can totally see his stress levels rising. They still need to move in their furnishings, lights, tchachkes, and hang their paintings in time for their “finally finished” party. And that brings up another stress point. If they’re going to send invitations out to the hausenfrau, are they contractually obligated to invite Ramona and Mario? Alex (who is looking pretty damn good in her new hair style) is of the opinion that they should just send out the invites to everybody and not worry about it. God knows that Crazy Eyes and Serial Killer aren’t going to want to come anyways, and Ramona’s sure to have a thousand different excuses on hand at any given moment.
Simon, on the other hand, is kind of pathetically hoping that the crazy serial killing nutjobs make an appearance. Could it be that Simon has developed a teensy weensy crush on Mario?
It’s all kind of awkward. Simon’s eyes tear up in disappointment and he starts talking about a “moment” he and Crazy Eyes “shared” after the tennis match when they hugged for like 45 seconds, and maybe that big fight at the Page Six party cleared the air and now they can all be friends. Alex does her best to explain that none of that counts, since Ramona is batshit crazy, as in she makes things up in her head that become her reality and believes them. I can’t help thinking that life would be so much easier if Simon and Alex could just find themselves a nice boy to settle down with.
Sporting a pair of Jackie O sunglasses, with a granny shawl draped over a camo sundress, Crazy Eyes is paying a visit to her plastic surgeon to shill for some new procedures.
Crazy Eyes starts off by saying that she’s having an “embarrassing” problem. I’m praying that she’s not going to be sharing any south of the navel, deal breaker issues.
Honestly, there’s absolutely nothing that I want to know about Crazy Eyes’ vaginal regions, so I’m mildly relieved to find out that we’re just talking about a serious case of perspiration. Apparently, Crazy Eyes has been shvitzing like a pig and not even Mario’s extra strength manstyle anti-perspirent is stopping lakes of fermenting body juices from forming in her pits. Lovely. I hope that Ramona’s going to be getting free treatments for the rest of her life for this because she’s well on the path to destroying any vestiges of grace and elegance. What does Ramona want to do about it? Why not shoot her underarms up with a little botox? After managing to maintain a professional demeanor, of sorts, her “doctor” explains that the botox is going to involve a lot of little needles and may not be the best way to go because, well, ouch. Seriously, the thought of anything being injected into my armpit region makes me want to run and hide. However, Crazy Eyes’ doc, has a new and improved, cutting edge (no pun intended), treatment for this uber-embarrassing problem. She’s talking internal ultrasound. Just a little incision and after the complete destruction of the requisite number of sweat glands, you’re good to go minus the shvitz.
There’s no way in hell that Crazy Eyes is going to agree to any invasive procedures. She’s done her shilling and now she wants some of those high tech, laser light, warm cream, feel good kind of things done.
For a pre-date pep talk/dish session, Lady B has gone over to JZ’s condo. JZ wants to know if Philippe is straight or gay? I love how Lady B doesn’t miss a beat and answers gay. He could be. Not to typecast or anything, but we’re talking about a really pretty male model, whose best friend is a flamboyantly way out hair dresser; there’s at least a chance he could be gay. So that would mean what? That he’s just dating Bethenny to get some camera time?
The Countess is bringing her niece and a friend to meet Leather for drinks. After all, as Lulu explains, Leather is young and hip and thinks that she’s still 21 so she should fit right in. I wonder whether Leather is shooting meth or popping quaaludes this week? She’s spewing something about how going to dinner on a date is so lame and that if someone is going to date her, well then, they’re going to go and do stuff. You know, like sitting at a bar the way she and Maxie seem to love doing. Speak of the devil, I almost didn’t recognize Maxie with his clothes on.
The girls ooh and aah in unison because they had no idea that male “escorts” could look so good. What do you ask a gigolo, besides his going price? Why, what’s his favorite date, of course. This is a hard one for Maxie, because in his line of work he’s seen it all, but he doesn’t want to disappoint so he offers up, “Maybe something different? Like dancing lessons, Tango.”
Then, as suddenly as he appeared he vanishes, leaving Leather in a disappointed state of heat. Even Lulu got a quick hot flash from that appearance.
The Countess asks Leather some questions about dating, which is totally unfair. After all, questions require answers and answers involve things like coherent thought. Poor Leather.
Sensing that Leather seems to be a little stressed, Lulu asks what it would take to get her to let her hair down. You know loosen up; be spontaneous; relax. Like a little girl Leather reaches up and obediently release her hair from the confines of her barrette. LOL. Keep trying, Leather, sooner or later you’ll find a drug cocktail that will work for you.
Over in Brooklyn, it’s raining hard. Will they successfully transform their house into a Chinese restaurant? Or will they be forced to entertain the other hausenfrau in the birthday party bomb shelter? The suspense is just killing me.
Finally, the night of Lady B’s date has arrived. Like any experienced single woman she’s approaching this date with zero expectations. Smart girl. I’ve got to say that Philippe is an awfully pretty guy.
On the other hand, he’s really into that Skinny Girl martini and is totally into sipping it through a straw.
Once again, we get ten minutes of commercials interrupted by 45 seconds of footage. Bravo, you’re killing me here. This time our editors are giving us a clip of JZ’s entourage riding in a limo on their way to Silex’s party. JZ and Bethenny are loud, Brad is a sartorial nightmare, and Bobby somehow manages to rise above it all.
Leather is the first hausenfrau to arrive, and she’s left her bunny tail at home. When she realized that she was supposed to wear it in the back, she just wasn’t interested any more. It’s an out of sight out of mind kind of thing. Luckily for Brad, Simon is wearing black cowboy boots and a black plastic jacket, so really it’s a toss up for the worst dressed award. Being the first guest to arrive, Leather is bearing the brunt of making small talk, luckily she’s coherent tonight. Not really grasping the concept of NYC being comprised of five boroughs, Manhattan being just one of them, Leather wants to know how Brooklyn compares to New York. Coherent doesn’t mean brilliant.
JZ’s entourage arrives and gives the house mixed reviews. Bethenny calls it “a little bordello, a little Gothic.” JZ is simply shocked to see that Silex finished it, and she thinks that they did such a great (pause) job. Nothing forced about that statement. At some point Lulu arrives as well and then they’re just one big happy family (who seriously dislike each other), minus the crazy, nutjob, serial killing family.
We end this week with JZ offering up her condo as neutral territory for Lady B and Leather to try and negotiate a state of detente. Leather arrives first and is all about admiring JZ’s condo.
You’ve got to love that Leather already has the same awful metal end tables that Brad chose for JZ’s living room, just in the shape of different letters.
Before JZ can completely unravel, Lady B. arrives and awkwardly asks for a moment with Leather. JZ is all like PLEASE have a moment with Leather, and it’s all very high school. The ladies go into JZ’s sitting room and Bethenny starts trying to explain that she wants to clear the runway with Leather. For her part, Leather is completely flattered by that. Okay, so we’re off to a good start. Leather waits expectantly and Bethenny reminds her of that little incident that occurred a couple of episodes back. You remember, that whole invite Lady B to a bar and ambush her incident? To review:
Right. So what does Leather have to say? Leather has no idea what Bethenny’s problem is. Because it’s really, really hard to remember what you do in a total blackout. But if she hurt Bethenny she’s really, really sorry, because why would she ever want to intentionally hurt Lady B?
In a truly masterful move, Leather stops trying defend herself altogether and just starts yelling for Lady B to stop. Cuz it’s really hard to hear her spirit guides with all that noise.
Well, Gasmi, that’s it for this week. I honestly don’t know what to say about Leather, except that she’s completely out of her gourd, fruitloops, loony tunes, muttering on the bus, rubber room, insane. Between Leather and Crazy Eyes, it sounds like the reunion special is off the hook. Apparently, it got so out of control that it’s being stretched into a two night affair. I really never thought I’d say this, but in the face of all the insanity, I’m truly beginning to grow fond of Silex. I wouldn’t want to babysit their kids, but I wouldn’t be horrified to go out with them in public.
On a quick personal note, I’ve been struggling to close the world’s craziest real estate deal over the last couple of weeks. It’s been incredibly stressful and time consuming, so I’ve been a bit absent from the boards. But please know that I do make a point of reading all of your comments and I can’t tell you how much pleasure I get out of them. You guys are awesome, and I wish I could have you all over to watch the finale in my living room. With a lot of good luck, we did actually manage to close on our house this past Thursday, and hopefully life will get a little calmer.
***To read the last chapter of Yenta’s novel, The Traveling Prayer, click here. To start from the beginning, click here!