Real Housewives of NYC: The Vajayjay Monologues

Howza Gasmii,

I’m sorry it took an extra day to post this recap. I’ve had a heck of time writing it and I’ve fumbled around starting and stopping it several times. I’m not sure why it’s so hard to write, except that once I write it I know this recapping assignment is over and I’m going to miss it. Sigh! Sniff! I know, Flipit, you don’t have to tell me; the lonely life of being a recapper means knowing how to let go, blah, blah, blah. But, it doesn’t mean that I have to like it.

Next Season Ramona’s eyes actually pop out of her head.

Okay, lets do this thing. Our reunion takes place at the swanky Russian Tea Room, which according to David Sedaris has been chiefly taken over by tourists in overalls, nowadays. But our trusty production assistants have cleared the place of any of the pesky underdressed tourists that might want to gawk, leaving only our glamorous hausenfrau and Andy Cohen, who’s really just one of the girls.

We start the show with all of our ladies seated in their assigned places around Andy Cohen, who then introduces them individually and by the end he’s blushing like a heterosexual school boy. I have to say that Andy Cohen is one of my favorite gay goobers. This guy loves being in the spotlight and practically piddles himself everytime he gets to do one of these reunion type shows, but he’s so not the slick and cool host. And these women seem to really exercise an effect on him.

Andy Cohen: Stud Muffin to the Stars

Andy explains that the ladies have generated oodles of buzz on the Bravo site and so many questions were sent in that Andy is surprised that the site didn’t crash and wouldn’t that have been a hoot? Of course, our OC housewives can’t be that happy about all this attention. You know there’s got to be an East Coast/West Coast rivalry thing happening. Especially since our NYC ladies won’t own up to any plastic surgery, but I’m getting ahead of myself.

Andy asks the hausenfrau who among them watched the OC show and Jill, Bethenny and Ramona all raise their hands. When asked if they think they’re different from the West Coast ladies, Jill fields the question with a diplomatic answer basically saying that the ladies in both shows played the same roles and things like friendships and feelings don’t change. So, we’re off to a tame and civilized start, but Andy Cohen’s just faking us out. He’s got some good questions up his sleeve and he wants to know if any of the hausenfrau learned anything about their fellow housewives that shocked them. The Countess is nodding away and one of the funniest things about the reunion was the non-verbal answers that these women were giving.

Ramona, who’s only too happy to jump on another housewife instead of having to defend herself, is acting like Arnold Horshack, yelling Ooh! Ooh! Call on me! Call on me! It seems that Ramona was severely shocked and possibly traumatized by the living conditions at Alex and Simon’s tenement, especially since they wear designer clothes. Ramona starts to launch on one of her attacks, but she actually, maybe for the first time ever, awkwardly catches herself and stops.

Alex’s answer is that she and Simon moved into the house when she was 7 months pregnant with Johann, so they didn’t start renovating until January, 2007. Got to love having a kid in a cradle surrounded by paint fumes and tenderly swathed in sawdust. I have to also say that Alex was looking a tad bit annoyed by Ramona’s attack on her house. But when I say a ‘tad bit’ I mean just that. After watching this episode a couple of times, I am fairly suspicious that Alex was seriously tanked on some sort of sedative. She doesn’t make sense at times and she kind of sounds loopy.

I brought enough of the little pink ones to share

Anyway, it was a noble effort on Ramona’s part to restrain herself, but she just can’t hold herself back anymore and she just goes for it. What about the kids? The lead paint? The paint chips? Alex points out that Ramona’s never actually been to the house and all that was shown on TV was the hallway. The Countess initially starts trying to calm Ramona down, but by the time she’s finished the sentence she’s agreeing with Ramona saying apologetically, “Well, it was kind of scary.”

Because Bethenny is the only contestant to have been to their house, Andy looks to her for the rebuttal to Alex’s ‘life is perfect and rosy, just keep my prescription going’ take on her life. Bethenny bluntly says that Alex and Simon are “all show and no go.” After the ten second delay to register the statement, Alex looks like she’s been clocked. Meanwhile, Ramona is sitting with a thrilled smile, her bulging eyes fixed adoringly on Bethenny. Then, the Countess gives the final say, “Before you go out shopping at Cavalli, maybe its better to fix the house.”

This is so great

Personally, I’m thinking that before they go out in public, they might want to fix their house, then sell it and move to a small island far away, where they can wear thongs and banana hammocks and pretend to speak the language in peace. Because, this show has been a serious PR nightmare for this couple. I mean they live in Brooklyn, this isn’t a geographic location where people are shy about expressing their emotions. Rotten tomatoes may come showering down from the heavens after this show.

Alex offers yet more proof that she and Simon are delusional by saying that it didn’t occur to them that the house would be an issue. Then another wave of a chemically induced haze from her happy pills washes over her and she tells them all quite lovingly, “This is all so silly.”

One wiggle of my nose and you’ll all disappear

Andy Cohen, grinning and almost bouncing up and down in his seat, says that he wants to introduce Ramona Singer the sexy mother and we’re treated to flashbacks of Ramona at her sexiest, which, as you know, is kind of scary. The flashback culminates with Ramona demonstrating her butt tightening exercises.

All the hausenfrau laugh and are supportive and Ramona agrees that her friends were fascinated by her, and I’m going to try and spell this phonetically, dair-ryay. The countess is unable to hold her self back and corrects Ramona on the proper pronunciation of derriere. I’m dying to send Ramona one of those roles of toilet paper that have vocabulary word printed on them. I wonder if they still make those? Andy who regards Ramona as a rare gem, knowing that half of their ratings are due solely to her antics, assures her that he is fascinated by her entire package.

Then, wanting to include the everyday folk, Andy reads a question for Ramona that starts out by telling her that she looked like a fool by the pool and does she regret it. Ramona explains that she forgot that the cameras were running and that it was a small private party where she was having fun, but because she forgot we all got to see it too.

Bethenny perks up and adds that, while they were living with the cameras in their lives, it was either “go big or go home.” In other words, it just didn’t pay to try and edit themselves. What I want to know is how do you forget a camera team? I mean at the very least it’s a strange guy with a camera standing near you and following you around. Are they wearing camouflage and plants on their heads so they blend in with the shrubbery? Or, do they just become one of the family and you forget that their job is to try and catch the highest ratings moment possible from your day-to-day life.

Andy then reads the next question he has for Ramona stating that she is more hyper than Jill’s chihuahua and asking if she is on anything. Now this is a question near and dear to my heart simply because of the number of times this season that I’ve been screaming at the TV, “Ramona, WTF are you on?”

Ramona says “no”, confirming my belief that she’s simply a manic nutjob, and explains that she has an immense amount of energy and, even just sitting there, oodles of thoughts are going through her head. Then she gives a list of her thoughts: the construction in South Hampton; the business deal that’s going to have problems; the deal that’s not going to have problems; and random thoughts about her daughter, Avery. I’m thinking holy crap, if I had that many voices in my head, I would have shot myself by now just to get some peace.

The next viewer question is for all of the women and Andy Cohen asks it completely innocently, even though it’s kind of loaded. The viewer wants to know how the ladies all look so young and whether any of them have had any had plastic surgery. All of the ladies say “Definitely not. Us? Never!” There are at least four women across the country in Orange County screaming bullshit. Hell, in reality there’s probably thousands of women across the country screaming bullshit and I’m one of them.

Jill, the brave woman, asks Andy, “Do we look like we have?” Because, you know a true gentleman is going to say something like, “Of course not, you’re just beautiful women.” But, Andy is enjoying this way too much to go that route and he answers, “I don’t know. I could see a nose job and maybe a potential boob job.” And he’s looking in Bethenny’s direction. You know they’re reports out there that Michael Jackson hasn’t had any plastic surgery either, he just has a rare medical condition where pieces of his face melt off whenever he goes into the sun. Jill is a good friend and deflects Andy’s telling stare by flashing her au naturale twins.

Wow, I forgot what the real ones look like

So, Andy turns his attention to Jill saying that she calls herself a connector but he calls her a yenta. Jill shrugs and says “same thing.” As someone that was raised with Yiddish in the house, I need to interject that it’s not really the same thing. A yenta is generally a middle-aged or older woman who butts into everybody’s business, gossips like mad, and can’t keep a secret for her life. So, calling someone a yenta isn’t really a nice thing, but I don’t know if Andy realizes that.

Anyway, we get to watch a montage of Jill Zarin moments that are kind of fun. Then comes the viewer questions. First, a viewer wants to know if Jill sent Allie to the spa for health or weight loss? Jill answers that in fairness it was both, but the weight Allie lost was just water weight and it came back on. Then, Jill talked about her stepson who has been diagnosed with Stills disease and has been in the hospital pretty much straight since the show started airing. It sounds really dreadful. Poor Jill, I’m not making any jokes here.

The next viewer question is for all of the ladies and it’s definitely upping the squirm factor. The viewer asks if there was anything that they saw in the episodes that made them cringe? Bethenny shakes her head no, but, again, Ramona is all over this one. And when Andy calls on her, she jumps right in about the ‘girls’ night’ dinner party. Ramona’s version is that someone in her family was very ill and she neglected to tell any of the women about it, but the stress that the illness caused made it imperative that she go out and party down with her real girlfriends. And, oh yeah, the stress was also the reason that she forgot to remind Jill and Bethenny that she had to leave early.

The Countess is all like, “your real girlfriends, what are we chopped liver?” And I’m loving it because my great Aunt, the one that looked like Walter Matthau in drag, used to say that all of the time. Have I mentioned that I come from a very attractive family?

Anyway, just in case the women are buying this whopper, Ramona then tries to sneak in the claim that she had told Jill on the phone that she would have to leave the dinner early because she had plans. And Jill’s like ‘liar liar pants on fire’ and I’ve got a witness because Bethenny was on the phone with me. Bethenny confirms that Ramona never shared this piece of information.

So, Ramona goes to basic teenage girl strategy 101 ‘when lies don’t work, attack’ and comes out with this statement: “First of all don’t be so controversial with me. Let me answer the question. You’re being antagonistic with me and I don’t like that.” I really have to find the grammatical version of that toilet paper. Well, Jill is like F**ck you and your girlfriends too and “I don’t care if you don’t like it.”

That means f**k you in Yiddish

This is all a little much for the Countess, because one thing that would piss the Count off would be if this show deteriorated from the high class elegant standard it has maintained all season. There’s no way he would let her sign up for season two if these two start pulling hair and bitch slapping each other around the Russian Tea Room. So, she tells them a little nervously, “Come on girls. Relax, Relax.”

Jill takes a deep breath and snipes, “That wasn’t why you left. Lets call it what it is.”

Ramona goes for the evasive maneuver and answers, “that’s the reason I forgot to tell you that I had to leave early.” Then she starts to become incoherent. I should mention that Andy Cohen is grinning in the background like a beetle who’s just discovered a giant pile of fresh poo. This is what ratings are made from, if only he could just get them to wrestle. So, Ramona babbles, and I’m warning you it doesn’t make much sense, “Because you didn’t tell me that Simon was coming. If you had told me that Simon was coming, I would have come to the dinner party. You invite me as a guest, you should tell me who’s going to be there. You told me, ‘girls night’.” I’m telling you, if this woman goes to confession on a regular basis, I’m betting that the priest is in the confessional nipping on the sacramental wine.

Bethenny interrupts, saying that it’s not reasonable to expect your hostess to give you a list of the other guests. But, in Ramona’s mind she’s fixated on the idea that it is a sin of an unforgivable magnitude to have a man at a dinner party that’s been identified as a ‘girls night’. And she can’t figure out why the other women don’t get it. Because the loudest voice in her head is yelling it over and over, so why don’t other women hear it too? Sheesh, “What’s with everyone?”

See how you do at a dinner party with the hallelujah chorus ringing in your head.

The Countess, now an acknowledged expert on etiquette, explains that you don’t go to somebody’s house for a dinner party and leave during the dinner, you leave before the dinner actually starts and you come for a drink. Which was what she did at Ramona’s dinner way back at the beginning of the season.

And then, Ramona says something truly bizarre and I’m really beginning to believe that she’s hearing voices that are instructing her, she says, “I’m supposed to tell you I told Jill and Bethenny and they said yes. So, it’s your fault and they set me up and that was that.” WTF? Anybody? At this point, I would have given up and gone out to get drunk but Jill is made of tougher stuff than I am. She asks Ramona what Ramona would done have if Jill went to a party at her house and ripped a new one into one of Ramona’s guests.

Ramona says she didn’t rip into Simon and the handy editors play back the scene. Ramona responds a little testily that she saw the show and then to more provocation from Jill yells, “Hello, I said that was the thing I was embarrassed about. So, I’m trying to say that that’s the thing I’m embarrassed about. I’m trying to apologize and you’re attacking me, so I’m not going to apologize. So, guess what? I’m not going to apologize. I had no embarrassing moments and I’m not going to apologize.” I’m guessing that one of Ramona’s voices is about thirteen years old and has just gone into her room and slammed the door. Maybe it will be a bit quieter in Ramona’s head for a little while.

Andy, having partially sated a deep seated need to watch and film people while they debase themselves, asks hopefully, “Anybody else?” Jill brings up the shots of Ginger roto-rootering her nose and of course, the editors play it back.

Then, we’re treated to a recap of Bethenny’s one-liners, which I adore. Damn, that woman is funny. Andy comes right out and asks her do you think you’re funny? And Bethenny admits that she makes herself laugh sometimes, adding that she’d rather be funny than smart or pretty and that she’s a comedy snob.

Andy makes the sly comment that he’s noticed that she’s not wearing an engagement ring. And now, I’m sitting up waiting for the discussion of the law suit and what it’s like when your boyfriend goes from high powered Wall Street CEO to stay at home and scratch your balls dad. But, sadly, there isn’t the slightest reference to any of that, which I kind of understand, since it couldn’t help the lawsuit to have it discussed on reality TV. But I’m still disappointed. So, Bethenny goes through the litany of she loves Jason, Jason loves her, when the timing is right baby will make three, and there’s always adoption. Bethenny gets pretty emotional over this and starts massively tearing up, which is kind of surprising.

Feeling like he’s pumped this subject for what it was worth Andy moves on to more fertile pastures and asks Countess for a definition of a socialite and whether the five women qualify as socialites. The Countess informs Andy that one doesn’t really call oneself a socialite. So, that’s a big faux pas. However, she goes on to say that she thinks that there is a certain group of people in New York who are definitely socialites, because they go out and their social calendars are a big part of their life. Then a little snidely, but very graciously, she adds, “Some people want to be with that crowd, so they aspire to be socialites” and then motioning at Alex adds, “which Alex has said on the show.”

Alex, in a weirdly detached voice and contrary to every other thing she’s babbled this season, says that she doesn’t include herself in that group. “She never has been a socialite and she doesn’t have any desire to be a socialite.” Now, I understand that there are probably piles of non-biodegradable film filling the dumpster behind their editing rooms, but this is still completely contradictory to the statements we did hear.

Jill is annoyed and she even says, “This is very annoying to me.” Then, she rehashes the society page breakfast mentioning Simon’s obvious drooling over the fact that his wife made the society page and she finishes by demanding, “Who does that?” Alex laughs and smiles, saying happily, “No one does that.” Because you know she’s just feeling the love for everybody and maybe, when the camera cuts away again, she’ll be able to sneak another one of the little pills.

Bethenny is also going for blood on this one, saying that she had seen in several articles that Alex was blaming their obsessive social climbing on crafty editing. Well, Bethenny ends with “that’s the biggest crock,” while the Countess chimes in with “the cameras don’t lie.”

Alex happily agrees with them and then to confirm my suspicion that she did manage to sneak another hit she offers up this transcendental statement: ” A very wise woman once wrote that if you see what you think is a contradiction check your premises because one of them is wrong.” WTF? Anybody? Between Alex’s whacked out state and Ramona’s habitual craziness Andy may have reached the pinnacle of his career.

I’m so going to get promoted

Taking a deep breath, because too much excitement could kill him, Andy reads a viewer question for the Countess asking if her title makes her children ‘countlets’. So the Countess explains how the title is passed down. Then we’re treated to a montage of Countess moments.

Andy asks the Countess what she thinks of Rosie’s advice that they should spend more time with their kids. And the Countess does a neat evasive maneuver saying that Rosie was mainly referring to the Count because he travels a lot. There’s no way that the Countess’ social life could be possibly be keeping her away from her kids.

Then Andy reads the Countess a question about the driver incident. The Countess responds that her son would address anyone by their proper title. It is about respect not position because after all she wouldn’t expect anyone to call her Countess. And, with all due respect, Countess, you don’t seem to be able to differentiate between the people who work for you and the little people generally called children.

So there was this kid dressed up with a chauffeur’s hat and driving the limo

Bethenny points out that she’s introduced the Countess to her friends by her first name and it had never been a problem until the driver. But basically this goes nowhere, the Countess isn’t going to budge from her classist position and Bethenny is only willing to push so far. I kind of wish that the Countess would start insisting that people address her as the Countess and then take a road trip into the Bronx just to see how willing people would be to acknowledge her superior position.

We go to a break and when we come back Simon has joined us dressed completely in black and looking like he’s trying really hard to be a badass international spy with a Lamborghini and a sophistication that makes women swoon.

Andy greets Simon and says, “I know the two of you feel somewhat misrepresented and will get to that but first…” And we have another flashback of some, but not all, of the infamous Alex and Simon fiascos. I can’t help noticing that the behavior of their darling children is not being touched on and I’m wondering if they made that a condition of appearing on the reunion show. While the flashback is playing, we get a great inset of Ramona smirking. She must feel like she just found out that there was somebody in her graduating class that actually had a lower GPA than she did.

After the flashback finishes playing, Andy asks Alex and Simon what their reaction has been to seeing themselves on the show. Alex answers that it’s been interesting and that there are moments that they are really happy with and then there are moments that they are really surprised by. Which I think is really pretty lucid considering that you can almost see her synapses straining to fire while she tries to connect thoughts. Simon says that they were not very happy when the first episode aired, but they were happier as the episodes progressed. Now, if anything, the later episodes made them look worse than the earlier ones, so I’m thinking that mid-season was when the happy pill prescription kicked in. Alex offers up that if you look at some of the blogs you can see that it looks like they are desperate to move up in society. I’m going to proudly acknowledge my part in that.

Bethenny goes off on Alex’s hypocrisy especially in the face of the flashback they just saw. And the Countess chimes in that their constant references to “connections” doesn’t help their new cause. That is, the cause where they try to convince us that they have no interest in society. Jill’s like, “that’s just their story line.” But, Bethenny’s not buying it saying, it’s not their story line. It’s them and they need to own it.

Alex and Simon now have a little problem coordinating their stories. Alex says that they don’t want to be in a different status, while Simon is protesting, “Show me one person in this world who doesn’t want to improve their station in life.” Then, Simon does an about face and says, “On the film I’m on record, it didn’t make it to air, that we’re not members of high society and we’re not trying to be members of high society.”

Bethenny then says that when she’s alone with them she actually likes them. Which actually amazes me, because I think that, after more than twenty minutes of listening to these two, I’d be bleeding from my ears. Bethenny goes on to say that maybe they need to realize that they made mistakes because they did seem pretentious and she reminds them that it’s pretentious to boast that your four-year-old son can translate Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star into Latin. And Alex does one on of the most amazing ‘take backs’ that I’ve seen, claiming that she was just joking about about Frankie and the multilingual nursery songs and adding that it’s just a stupid people trick. You know, most people train their dogs to do tricks, not their kids.

Meanwhile, Ramona, who has been making expressions that I think are meant to convey a catastrophic level of spiritual anguish, tells Andy that she’s bored. And Andy’s all like, “I don’t want to bore Ramona.” This maybe the highest maintenance crazy woman on the face of the planet.

They’re driving me crazy

Andy moves on to ask if the other four women feel misrepresented and do they think Alex and Simon were misrepresented? Bethenny obviously thinks that the show was accurate for both her and the co-dependant social climbers. She points out that they all have things that they wish they could take back. Bethenny in particular wishes that she could take back the desperate scenes with her and Jason, but points out quite sensibly that they can’t take them back, they happened, so why not admit it and own it?

Oh, that’s what you mean by pretentious. We had no idea.

Simon starts wiggling and squirming saying that she’s misunderstanding him completely. But Bethenny’s not having it and she faces down Simon by saying that she’s not misunderstanding him, she’s pretty smart. And Andy, foreseeing that if this goes on Simon might start bawling like a baby, turns to find out whether the Countess felt misrepresented. Not that Simon bawling his eyes out wouldn’t be good ratings, but I’m assuming that even Andy Cohen has a level of nausea that he can’t tolerate.

The Countess says that she wasn’t misrepresented, but that there might be some truth to what Alex and Simon are claiming. Ramona is way above this pathetic wrangling, and giving a sigh like it’s all just too much to tolerate whispers, “I don’t know.” Jill’s take is that the show was accurate, including the portrayal of Alex and Simon and Ramona starts rolling her eyes in a cartoon version of disgust. Apparently, the Greek chorus in her head is not amused.

Jill wants to know why Simon is here for the reunion and why isn’t Alex okay in talking to them by herself. Alex, still buzzed to the gills, tells her cheerfully that she’s perfectly okay with talking to the girls alone, or together, or upside down in any kind of weather, because she’s got chemically enhanced serotonin levels that are so high they’ve started to leak out of her eyeballs. And why does the room look so rosy?

So, the women and Simon go back and forth for a moment and Alex says, “Wait a minute, nobody has asked me what I regret.” Okay, finally some firm ground; the woman has regrets. The Countess obliges by asking Alex, What do you regret? And, why did you play along?

Alex announces that she regrets nothing and grins happily at the other women. Nobody quite knows what to do with this and everybody is like, “All-righty then… Moving on…” I think it’s beginning to dawn on Jill, at least, that this woman is seriously floating on a little pink pill shaped cloud.

Jill turns to Simon and asks, “Why are you here?”

Simon, finally getting an opening to say his rehearsed lines, ignores her question and blurts out, “I said when we came on that I am absolutely prepared to admit, as everybody normally does, that we want to improve our station in life and that’s gotten exaggerated somewhat on the show.”

Andy is in a state of unrestrained glee and decides to read some key words from the nasty emails Bravo had received about Simon and Alex including: wannabes, pretentious, bad examples, delusional, and clawing.

Simon says that their friends still love them and that’s all that counts. No, not the people on the yacht or at Frankie’s birthday party, I mean our real friends down at the corner bar and we have a woman who pushes a really nifty shopping cart and calls herself a Countess too.

The Countess smiles graciously and asks, “So you don’t care?” Alex still smiling happily says, “not really,” because caring too much about anything is beyond her current capabilities.

Andy decides it’s time to play his main card for the evening and brings up the nude photos debacle, while the Countess gives a real life evil chuckle. And then, Ramona, that great arbiter of taste and judgment, stands up and starts to walk off the stage. Andy is like WTF? Where are you going? “Oh, just to the restroom,” Ramona says breezily, which is better than saying ‘I need to find a place to squat and take a piss.’ But really, couldn’t she at least have said something about powdering her nose. Andy still looks stunned and there’s a seasick moment when the cameras are kind of swinging, trying to figure out what to focus on. The women, inured to Ramona, wait for Andy to continue, but Andy’s still asking, “Really, why did she leave?” So, Bethenny explains that Ramona doesn’t want to be associated with the pictures. And the camera flashes to Ramona standing in the wings, breathless with excitement, like a tacky debutante who had a wardrobe malfunction and is waiting to see how much attention she’s going to get. I need to mention that Ramona’s shoes are also dyed to match her dress and I can almost hear Michael Kors yelling, “DTM, DTM.”

Well, it’s time to hit the ole whizz box.

Alex says that the photographs are really something about her and have nothing to do with the show. She thinks that it’s much to do about nothing. Why in this day and age she’s sure that there are millions of people that have nude photos of themselves. Jill answers that maybe millions of misguided people have nude photos of themselves, but they have them at home privately, not publically. The public photos are reserved for a special few. Bethenny is way over the photos, saying she had no problem with them. She thought Alex looked good and went back to eating her lunch. The Countess tries for a liberal position, saying that it’s up to Alex to do what she wants to do with herself, but it ends up sounding like a disappointed mom going for a guilt trip.

Alex agrees with the Countess and reiterates that it’s much to do about nothing. The Countess, possibly frustrated that Alex is not feeling properly repentant, decides she needs to press the point home a little more. I don’t think the Countess has realized that Alex is not capable of really feeling anything too acutely at this moment in time. Anyway, the Countess mentions that there is the problem of the ‘guilt by association’ effect on other housewives, and motions to explain Ramona’s vacating the room. In other words, you are a tramp and now people might think that we’re tramps.

Simon is all like, “who’s guilty?” And points out that Ramona doesn’t have that reaction when she’s shown on TV wearing clothes cut up to her vajayjay and dancing like a bad stripper. The Countess graciously nods acknowledging that he’s made a valid point, but goes on to say that Ramona’s daughter, Avery, might suffer by association, adding, “Do you understand why Ramona has a reaction”

God, my vajayjay looks good.

Andy Cohen answers for Simon saying, “I gather that Alex crossed a line by posing for the pictures.” And Alex and Simon both protest saying that the pictures had been taken before the Real Housewives of NYC had ever been conceived. Then Andy asks a potential zinger, “Would you pose for Playboy magazine?”

Alex answers with a safe “I don’t know.” If the reports circulating the web are true, she already tried for Playboy and was turned down. Of course, this television stint might just be the thing she needs to jumpstart her nude rise to fame. There’s a few biker magazines that might be just the thing to feature a Real Housewife nude on a hog.

Jill’s answer is of course, “absolutely not.” The Countess is absolutely sure that the Count wouldn’t approve, which would of course result in his fifth divorce and no more jaunts for the Countess to Europe. And Bethenny is pretty clear that Playboy doesn’t match the wholesome Pepperidge Farm image.

After the break, Ramona is back and Simon is mercifully gone. And Andy’s all ready to talk about the rivalry between Jill and Ramona. So, first we are treated to a montage of Ramona’s dinner party, their tennis match, Lucca Lucca’s show, Jill’s dinner party, and Ramona being late to the finale dinner. Meanwhile, Jill has pulled her jacket off to get ready for any wrestling that might ensue and reveals her ‘Team Jill’ T-shirt. She explains that these are for sale online with 10% going to charity. The 10% is still bothering me, I mean seriously, they could up the percentage going to a good cause. Jill tells us that the Countess, Bethenny and Alex are thinking of participating, which kind of leaves Ramona out. Maybe she’s going to market her own through her husbands business. Anyway, I might buy the ‘Team Alex’ t-shirt as a joke, for a good cause.

So Andy Cohen asks what their rivalry is about and Ramona answers with a very diplomatic, “We’re two strong women and we get angry at each other and then we love each other.” Jill agrees, saying that Ramona knows how to push my buttons and I know how to push hers. And everything seems warm and fuzzy. Bethenny explains that Ramona and Jill run in overlapping social circles so it is sort of like high school for them. And the Countess adds that there’s kind of a rivalry going on.

This is all just a little too tame for Andy, who takes bets on who would win in a fist fight. Everybody, including Jill puts money on Ramona, and Alex, bouncing up and down with her eyes lit up like a crazy woman, says that she’d love to be there.

Then Jill starts in on why she’s Ramona’s friend and brings up the dinner Ramona threw where she didn’t invite Jill and, oh, by the way, Ramona’s a poopy faced liar. Ramona doesn’t like this and is all like, “don’t tell me you’re my friend and then turn around and call me a liar.” Then Ramona and Jill start slapping down and I have to say that crazy Ramona is scoring some points on Jill in this round.

This means f**k you in English

Andy Cohen, not about to let this die, asks about Jill’s walking out of the Lucca Lucca show. This time Jill’s in the position of making excuses for her own behavior and Ramona, happy to be the one giving the beating, goes for blood: Jill caused a scene; Jill behaved badly; Jill was a prima donna…

Andy reads a viewer question asking if the show only let the viewers see one side of Ramona’s personality. Ramona says, “Yes, definitely.” And I’m thinking, okay, maybe she has some rational lucid moments in her life. Bethenny adds that Ramona has a very warm side to her, and I’m a little disappointed. I don’t care if she has a warm side to her, I want to know on a scale of one to ten just how insane this woman really is.

Finally, Andy shows us a montage worth waiting for. He describes Jill and Bethenny as Laverne and Shirley, which is awesome, and then we get to see some excellent editing and mixing as Jill and Bethenny’s monologues are combined.

Back from the break, the Countess is prepping caviar and vodka for Andy and the hausenfrau. No champagne? Vodka is a new way to end a show. So, this is more about serious drinking than celebrating.

Andy gets to ask his final questions starting with what has this experience meant for the hausenfrau and what have they learned?

Jill has no regrets. She is proud of the show and grateful for her family life. Alex has been really, really touched by some of the e-mails they received saying how great her marriage is. An entire convention of co-dependants anonymous must have been e-mailing the show.

Then Andy asks his final question of our hausenfrau, “Whats next?”

The Countess is working on a manners/etiquette book and she’s going to start modeling again. Ramona is going to launch a skin care line. Bethenny is releasing her “How to be Naturally Thin Book” and is busy with Bethenny Bakes. And, Jill adds that she’s doing lots of work with the arthritis foundation. Nobody asks Alex and she doesn’t offer her future plans, but I’m guessing that they either involve moving to a remote island or throwing caution to the wind and drunk dialing some biker mags.

Next season they’ll be drinking grain alcohol

Love you guys, You’ve been awesome to chat with. Be good until the next season.

Love XOXO

Yenta