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Dear Gasmi,
This week Bravo has hit a new low. It’s sad when women with all the advantages of living in Orange County are outclassed by the Clampetts from The Beverly Hillbillies.
No matter how drunk Gretchen got on their grain alcohol, you know Granny wasn’t going to stand for any foolishness from her menfolk.
Warning: This is an episode that requires a crapload of comfort food. Preferably the kind that comes in little pieces to facilitate quick ingestion and easy throwing. Plan on having to clean your TV screen at the end of the night…
***To read chapter 3 of The Traveling Prayer, Yenta’s novel, click here!
After oh so many weeks of backbiting, nasty and tacky behavior, our producers are finally getting a clue. Or maybe one of them tuned into VH1. Either way, this week we start with an attempt to send Tamra to the OC version of Charm School. Except in the OC they call it etiquette class, because if you’re blond, with perky implants and a spray on tan, you have all the charm you need. Of course, I’d pay good money to watch Sharon Osbourne slapping the OC hos around in an effort to get rid of their mean backstabbing ways. Sadly, instead of Sharon Osboure we get Naomi.
She’s the one showing a strong propensity to slouch.
There are certain basics that most people have figured out by the time they finish high school, if they don’t want to go through life known as a complete loser skank. You know, things like: don’t talk smack about your “friends”; don’t try to make other people look bad; don’t grab your hubby’s no-no sacks in public; and, you should only do hoochie dances over waterjets in the privacy of your own bathroom without cameras. Sadly, Naomi’s etiquette course fails to address any of these remedial points. Instead, she focuses on the important things in life, like how to pick up a napkin, hold a fork, and cut your meat.
Proof that it’s not worth trying to teach a pig to whistle. It just frustrates you and annoys the pig.
Tamra explains that Simon is British, which in her mind automatically equals perfect manners. As an example of his high standard of behavior, she shares that he often tells her that he would never take her to see the Queen. It’s unclear whether he’s talking about sitting down to tea with her Majesty, or just staring at her from a proper distance. Personally, I’m guessing that Perfect Simon’s connection to the Queen is more along the lines of standing amongst the throngs of admirers that line the streets during a procession. Simon can probably relax a little. Under those circumstances, Tamra probably won’t even need to curtsy.
There’s always something to be grateful for.
While Tamra is struggling to find a place for sporks amidst all the fancy silverware, Lynne and Frank are leaving their darling girls alone and going out to dinner. Watching these two, it quickly becomes evident that they are adorably infatuated with each other, and their wine. It’s nice that they get to have a romantic evening and if they feel comfortable leaving their lying, law breaking, booze-chugging, floozies alone, I’m sure they know what they’re doing. But, I hope they at least alerted the local police, or maybe paid for armed security guards to patrol their property.
Frankie is hoping to have even more time alone with his wife in the future. Lynne agreeably responds that she’d “be down with that” causing me to shudder, because hearing that phrase from the mouth of a forty-something-year-old mother of two is roughly equivalent to hearing nails raking down a blackboard. Lynne is quick to point out that not only will alone time with Frankie have romantic benefits, it will also make her adorable offspring appreciate her more. After all, where oh where, will her daughters find somebody to put up with their atrocious behavior like momma Lynne does. That’s easy, just find an actively drinking, semi-comatose, barfly and prop her up in the kitchen with a mimosa in her hand. Personally, I’m thinking that Lynne and Frankie’s alone time will set the stage for their children’s introduction to the juvenile justice system. But all is not lost. I’m sure that that experience will make the girls appreciate their family life, as well.
Who wouldn’t want to grow up with a fully transgendered Steve Tyler?**special thanks to Sarlynn.**
Speaking of Lynne and Frank’s lovely daughters, we get to watch Raquel and her friends spend some innocent recreational time engaging in that wholesome all-American sport of bowling. These children are so creative. They’ve created a whole new game for kids called ‘I’m underage and drunk’ bowling!! How fun!! A few of the lucky girls have their faces blurred out. I’m sure in theory this was a wise choice as they were being filmed while actively engaged in breaking the law regarding underage drinking, as well as the rules of the bowling alley. Unfortunately, blurring out their faces probably won’t be enough to completely protect their anonymity.
This is so cool. The rents are never going to know.
You have to wonder if the owner of the bowling alley had the opportunity to enjoy this segment of the show. I bet having underage drinking and smoking filmed at his business and shown on nationwide TV was just the kind of publicity that he was hoping for.
Raquel takes a moment to tell us how glad she is that she got a car for her birthday, because having a car has changed a lot for her. Since she doesn’t, as of yet, have a driver’s license, I’m going to assume that the great change she is referring to involves compulsively running out to the driveway to look at her car instead of running to the mirror to check her hair. It’s so nice to see a young girl’s interests begin to evolve beyond her own self. Personally, after seeing this enlightening little segment, I would have hauled this bimbo out of school and grounded her for the rest of her underage life. And for God’s sake, would somebody hire a tutor for this child. When she assures us that she’s a responsible person, it becomes painfully obvious that her school is falling behind on the vocabulary section of their curriculum.
So, responsible means lying, cheating, and drinking, right?
But, don’t get the idea that these girls are in any way trashy. Nothing says class and elegance like being filmed running into a public bathroom to drink and smoke, followed by sitting on your ass in a bowling alley totally drunk. Besides, everybody knows that rolling a round object down a lane is a truly difficult and stressful feat, so it’s understandable that these little darlings feel that alcohol and cigarettes are absolutely necessary. Of course, mitigating the stress of a bowling alley with alcohol as a teenager might make it more difficult as adults to find something strong enough to mitigate the stress if they ever get audited by the IRS.
For those of us that are feeling pretty cynical about young adults, it’s nice to see how awesome Jeff’s kids are. Sadly, they’re packing up to fly home and they’re feeling pretty guilty about leaving their dad. Really, this has to be so hard for them. But the girls are planning on flying back out in August for two weeks. I can only hope that they got to spend some more time with him before he passed away.
Vicki is in Illinois visiting with her family and she’s off to a barbeque at her little brother Billy’s home. Vicki’s spewing out her words like a machine gun on rapid fire, so I think it’s safe to say that she’s chemically prepared herself for the event. But, for once, Vicki’s craziness is completely overshadowed by another guest. What family event would be complete without Chucky the pyromaniac? Chucky decides to douse the pile of wood with gasoline then cover it with a gasoline soaked towel and light the whole thing on fire.
Fuck the Molotov Cocktail
I’m not sure Vicki should be around too many fires.
Too much stimulation!!
And, wow! Mother/daughter dynamics are never easy, but Vicki and her mother are made for a TV sitcom. Vicki’s mother wants her to come back to Illinois to live, because she’s not going to be alive much longer; the mother that is. Vicki will probably live forever. But don’t even suggest that momma Gunvalson make the trip to Orange County, because Vicki’s way too busy to make sure her mother’s gin and tonic is always full.
Vicki does her normal needy best to get Momma Gunvalson to verbalize her love and devotion for her crack ho daughter. But Momma’s just not performing up to standard. This maternal lapse leads to nostalgic memories about Vicki’s perfect daddy. Perfect because he told Vicki that he loved her everyday, thereby setting the standard for Vicki’s future husbands. Anybody else seeing a trend in Vicki’s, Tamra’s, and Gretchen’s relationships with their fathers? If the RHOC has any lasting lessons for the viewing public, let it be a warning against treating your daughters like princesses lest they grow up to be reality TV attention whores.
One of the family friends has come up with the amiable idea of fixing his father up on a blind date with Momma Gunvalson. I hope to hell that his dad is a tough old geezer, because it’s pretty clear that Momma’s a high maintenance kind of gal, who’s more than capable of drinking most people under the table. Because no scene in this episode can pass without some form of regrettable action fueled by inebriation, Momma Gunvalson immediately stows the poor guys number safely away in the depths of her massive cleavage and her devoted daughter immediately dives right in after it.
Because that’s the way the Gunvalson women roll.
OMFG, the Bravo recycling department is at it again. Somebody needs to explain to them that recycling former contestants into current shows doesn’t constitute going green. And, who is the lucky past season has been? Why it’s season Three Top Cheftestant, King of Seafood, Brian Malarkey. The same Brian Malarkey who has sworn never to appear on Reality TV again.
“One reality series in my lifetime. You’re not going to see me Dancing With the Stars.” Which is, of course, totally different that cooking for the housewives.
Tamra is almost pathetically desperate to turn her house into a culinary Babylon. She’s got tents, waterfalls, candles, lights, flower, and lots of alcohol. And, oh yeah, the food. She wants the food to match all the grandeur, as long as it’s not too sophisticated. Got that Brian, the lady wants fancy, but not too fancy. Something a little more than Red Lobster, but a little less than what you were hoping to serve up for the Top Chef finale. Sorry, Malarkey, someday you’ll be able to show off that meal, but not with these shiksas. Perfect Simon appears to keep his wife from ruining all by confusing the idea of earthy flowers with elegant flowers. Because, God forbid her Majesty the Queen happens to see this episode on British TV.
Before the thought of this dinner party can become too stressful for the viewing public, the editors decide to grant us a vicarious yoga experience. And look, there’s Gretchen looking like an ad for really healthy expensive granola.
Everybody relaxed now? Good. Because there’s nothing funny about the following interview with Gretchen. I am definitely not a passenger on the Gretchen fan bus, and I think that she makes some spectacularly poor choices. But, that being said, there’s no way to offset the shock and sadness when someone you’re close to decides it’s time to stop fighting a fatal illness. I think it’s atrocious that Bravo is broadcasting what can only be a profoundly difficult time. According to Jeana’s blog, Tamra’s dinner takes place the same day that Gretchen received the news that Jeff had decided it was time to go home to die. I have no idea why Gretchen would then go on to film her evening out, but it’s clearly not a good decision on her part.
Luckily, before I can get too depressed, we get to watch Lynne work on her mothering skills. Momma Lynne is taking some time out of her busy shopping/drinking/tanning schedule to talk to Raquel about drinking and driving. Well, she’s kind of skipping the ‘don’t drink’ part and going straight to the ‘don’t drink and drive’ part. Not that Lynne condones drinking, but she’s pretty sure it’s going to happen. Of course this begs the question of why the hell she thought it was a good idea to buy her daughter a car? Not to worry. Lynne’s got a plan. If Raquel knows that Lynne would never get mad at her for drinking, even if she was “falling down drunk on the sidewalk’, then Raquel will feel comfortable calling Lynne for a ride.
Mother of the year
Taking the concept of “spoiled” to a whole new level, Raquel complains that her mother is being unreasonable for nagging her about drinking and driving. Seriously, I have never had a desire to reach into the TV to bitchslap a child before. But before I can even throw my herb butter and cheese popcorn at the TV, Lynne, the mother of all airheads and daughter, Raquel, has let her drunk driving lecture be derailed into a nostalgic drunkalogue of her own teenage love of White Russians. Apparently, Lynne has a deap-seated love of milky white substances. Thankfully, before she can move on to other milky white substances she imbibed as a teenager, a little warning bell goes off in Lynne’s head.
Darling, don’t drink those nasty White Russians. They’re way too fattening.
And, finally, it’s the night of Tamra’s party. Brian Malarkey has his special oyster champagne concoction ready for Tamra and Simon to try. It’s important to give Tamra a preview of the dish so that she avoids making a complete fool out of herself when it’s actually served. No worries though. The oysters are so good they taste like a party in Tamra’s mouth, and, if there’s one thing that Tamra likes, it’s a party in her mouth.
Chef Brian’s happy because Tamra’s happy. What’s more she’s expressing her delight in new and exciting ways. It must be refreshing to hear that his food compares favorably to a beer bong. After all, the judges on TC were always so conservative in their praise.
Tamra grabs her slimy douchebag son Ryan and her etiquette book for some last minute cramming. Of course, the problem with cramming is that you’re bound to miss some of the more basic concepts, but Tamra is such a naturally graceful personality, I’m sure that she’ll be fine. It’s worth pointing out that Ryan is looking particularly elegant this evening in a cheesy black silk shirt draped over his bony frame.
I’m telling you, babes everywhere are going to be throwing themselves at the TV screen.
Gretchen and Jeana are the first guests to arrive. Gretchen is looking lovely, if a tad bit loose and free. Tamra proudly introduces Ryan to Gretchen and I think it’s safe to say that Ryan appreciates her loose and free style. Before Ryan can attempt to actually climb inside of Gretchen, the rest of the guests arrive. As acting assistant bartender for the evening, Ryan is in charge of serving up Simon’s homemade tequila, and Chef Malarkey appears with his ‘party in your mouth’ oysters.
Sadly, Vicki’s not that into fish. You know that smell isn’t for everyone and Vicki’s more a breast person. Oh the other hand, the fish smell doesn’t bother Simon at all and he’s pretty much loving the party oyster. Watching Simon suck that oyster down might have gone a long way toward stopping Vicki’s infatuation.
That mouth will never touch mine.
As the guests take their seats, it becomes evident that some of the place cards have special nicknames on them. No playing favorites allowed. Gretchen wants a nickname too. There’s an awkward silence as a variety of embarrassingly appropriate nicknames flash through the other guests minds. But Simon is the only one brave enough to verbalize his thoughts, dubbing her “Greedy Gretchen”.
In England that’s what we call Gold diggers.
Tamra officially starts the evening off with a tearful toast proclaiming how close she feels to all of her guests, just like one big happy family. Or at least one big family with some relatives that keep showing up whether you want them to or not and you just have to make the best of it. Sort of like Lynne and Frankie. Some people work hard at making everybody in a family feel comfortable. Tamra takes a different approach. She ignores the unwanted relatives and hopes they disappear.
Jeana has apparently graduated from an advanced etiquette course, that covered such topics as how to make the people around you feel wanted and comfortable. She takes a moment to compliment Frankie and Lynne on their relationship and somehow this segues into the question of whether or not the secret to Lynne and Frank’s happy marriage is a serious devotion to marijuana. Drawing on her personal knowledge of substance abuse, Vicki is quick to interview that she’s pretty sure Lynne’s a pothead. Obviously, considering her own crack habit she can’t possibly mean this in a disparaging light.
Potheads are so lame. Crackheads are the real movers and shakers.
Chef Brian Malarkey gets his two extra seconds of fame, when he introduces his menu. Poor, poor, foolish Brian. When are you going to realize that you’ve been pimped out based on your short lived recognizability and not your talent? These people aren’t here for the food. That would require some level of sophistication and culinary appreciation. These folks are here for the booze and the drama.
Ryan is obsessively focusing on Gretchen the same way an unneutered toy dog might focus on a standard poodle in heat. To his credit, he seems to have realized that he doesn’t have a shot in hell of talking Gretchen into playing a game of hide the salami with his little schnitzel. Or, at least he doesn’t have a shot in hell with a sober Gretchen, but, hey, he’s a bartender and Gretchen wants tequila. Instead of threatening to pack her son’s teensy weensy and probably tattooed schnitzel in ice, our charming hostess decides to encourage him to get Gretchen drunk. But Tamra’s actions are springing from the most noble of motives. Since none of the viewing audience is able to judge for themselves the true extent of Gretchen’s compulsive fame whore behavior, it’s imperative that Tamra place Gretchen in a situation where her true character is revealed. Really, Tamra is only sacrificing her own good name for the sake of the RHOC audience.
Somehow, I’ve always functioned under the belief that my duty as a hostess included ensuring the safety of all of my guests. Apparently, in the exclusive circles of Coto de Caza this is an outdated notion. In this upper class community, the concept of hospitality is slightly more elastic. Consciously engaging your horny son to ply your female guests with alcohol in hopes that they’ll do something that they’ll later regret seems to be perfectly acceptable. It’s amazing that hordes of women aren’t currently packing up their houses in order to move closer to these women in hopes of striking up friendships.
As the meal progresses, Gretchen gets drunker, and Tamra proclaims her own hotness. For some unknown reason, Simon decides to prompt his wife into giving an etiquette demonstration. Obligingly, Tamra instantly asks Ryan to step into the kitchen and tells him to stay the fuck away from Gretchen. But she uses more polite terms. Well, actually, she says nothing to Ryan and goes on to demonstrate the proper use of a fork. After all, etiquette is first and foremost about the proper use of culinary implements.
Drunken Gretchen is less interested in the etiquette portion of the demonstration and more interested in the similarities between eating food and oral sex.
If Simon’s really lucky the entire royal family is watching this episode.
Brian Marlarkey comes out in the middle of Gretchen’s halibut porn to introduce the harpoon swordfish. You have to admire Gretchen’s ability to adapt her performance in the face of this interruption. She’s a master of improvisation and immediately switches her attention from her fork to Chef Brian, begging him to stick it to her good. Because, you know, professional chefs love being treated like strippers.
At this point, Chef Brian and Frankie seem to be the only males on the premises who aren’t actively picturing Gretchen spread out naked on the table. Chef Brian because he’s more interested in the food he’s been slaving over and Frankie because he’s actually a decent guy.
Albeit slightly stoned.
On the other hand, Simon, Donn and Ryan all have expressions reminiscent of virgin teenagers at a strip club experiencing their first lap dance. And, in reality, that might not be too far off from Ryan’s actual experience of the evening.
Vicki looks like she’s close to slicing Gretchen’s sexy throat, and for once I have some sympathy for her. It’s hard to watch your husband reacting to a pathologically sexualized, drunken, attention whore.
On the other hand, if Vicki wasn’t such a cracked out, walking borderline neurosis, Donn might not be so susceptible.
Gretchen announces that she needs to clean her palate and Tamra, ever so helpful, is happy to pimp out her son by encouraging Ryan to clean Gretchen’s palate for her. Ryan takes this as a green light to move in for the kill, or at least take a seat close enough to Gretchen that he might be able to sneak a handful.
So close yet so far.
Gretchen happily pets Ryan in the same manner that she might pet an annoyingly affectionate puppy, but she’s got her drunken sites on bigger game than that little pipsqueak. Smiling innocently across the table she asks Tamra if Simon has any girlfriends? You mean Ryan, Right? Tamra demands indignantly.
Ruh Roh
Jeana tells us that, when the desert course came, it was apparent that Gretchen wasn’t going to be driving home. Gretchen is completely smashed at this point and her normal propensity to hump anything has now blossomed into full on raunchy grinding.
The most action Donn’s seen in years.
Lynne and Jeana get kudos for trying to dissuade Gretchen from continuing to poor tequila down her throat. Unfortunately, Gretchen continues her well-established habit of making unbelievably poor choices.
At this point, Ryan is actively snuggling up to Gretchen for a few free gropes. Tamra, apparently not understanding how completely gross it is for her son to be mauling a drunken guest, warns Gretchen that Ryan is a “man-whore”.
So what’s a rufi?
Gretchen is almost falling down drunk, or at least she seems to need Ryan to hold her upright, and Ryan is overjoyed to be of service. I’m guessing that he’s actively entertaining hopes for a bright future. I’m actively entertaining hopes that Gretchen spews fish and tequila all over his skinny naked body. Lynne offers to drive Gretchen home, but Tamra intervenes saying that Gretchen is going to spend the night. A decision that I find both suspicious and very, very creepy.
Tamra shares that she’s never seen anybody as drunk as Gretchen, except for herself once or twice. I can only hope that when Tamra was that wasted she got to experience the pleasure of having a horny 22 year old following her into the bathroom. What actually happens in the bathroom between drunk Gretchen and horny skanky Ryan will be continued next week. Personally, I don’t expect to find out that much happened. And, at this point, I honestly hope I’m right. I’m not sure I can stomach eavesdropping on acts that are approaching date rape.
Thanks mom, it’s like the best present ever.
Well Gasmi, this evening has been a delightful experience. I want to extend special thanks to Tamra for preparing such a special event. My life is definitely richer for the experience.
I adore you all and love your comments. You definitely make this show worthwhile for me. Next week, my recap might be a day later than normal because I have to fly out to Chicago for a few days. The good thing is that Chicago is supposed to be about 40 degrees warmer than it is here. Woohoo!!
Hugs,
Yenta
***To read Chapter Three of Yenta’s novel, The Traveling Prayer, click here!
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44 Comments
I kind of could not believe how EVIL Tamra looked in contrast to Gretchen. The level with which she took her hatred towards her was seriously shocking.
Honestly, all she ends up doing at that point is making Gretchen look good! I was seriously grossed out by her…..and Vicki…..nothing new there, though.
LOVE you Yenta!!
O.k., apparently this episode was so horrifying (and thus, the recap that much better!) that one comment from me just didn’t cut it. I have questions: 1.) Does ANYONE else besides me envision a guy like Tamra’s son approaching them in a bar and NOT reacting with anything other than scorn and laughter?! 2.) Does anyone else find it scary that Lynn probably ISN’T the worst mother in Orange County?! 3.) Expanding on the “creepiness” that you mentioned in regards to Tamra, how morally repugnant is she for pushing her own SON on this woman?! Let alone getting Gretchen trashed, the whole mother/son thing has me seriously freaked out. Aaaaaand I’m done.
This episode is so disgusting. Tamra is an enormous pile of garbage for pimping out her son unto a drunken, vulnerable woman. No offense, any person that will get that smashed on alcohol, is a person who is feeling mentally strong. I guess I’m defending Gretchen, but seriously, she’s plied with alcohol, and molested by Ryan, which is a nightmares in itself. Before anyone can argue that Gretchen is a grown adult, blah, blah, blah, remember, no matter who she flirted with, she had Ryan hugging her and stalking her all night! LOL. That HAS to negate any fun she had that night for certain! And the whole situation of her and ryan in the bathroom together just made my skin crawl. Seriously, for all we know he could be blocking the door, and even if she tried to get away from him or tried to get him to stop hugging her etc, how could she? She can barely stand up, let alone push off some creepy-rapist-dude. I dunno, I hope Tamra is bombarded with a crap load of hate mail as this episode was so repulsive and exploitive. Anyways, on a much lighter note, enjoyed the recap as per usual. Only you could make me re-live this episode again, without throwing up all my insides. Cheers.
Holy Dude Looks Like a Lady! To answer your questions Tiff, yes, yes and morally devoid.
Tamra suggested in the “Nugget” show – she has failed as a mother. How thoughtful of her to warn her guests that her son is a man-whore.
Yenta, you were right. This episode was snack throwing worthy – chocolate even. But I can’t stop watching. Damn.
Shantigal, I recommend keeping a lesser snack in hand or at least nearby. I’ve tried sweet tarts and sour patch kids, but I think I’ve decided on the celery at this point. It leaves a little slimy smear on the screen, like this show does to my soul.
Hey Gasmi,
I just realized that one of the screen caps got mixed up. So picture a screengrab of Tamra trying to curtsy while hiking her dress up for that third pic. Sorry about that. I’m still learning the new software…
TiffMJ: Gretchen did look evil. I’m so disappointed in her. I had high hopes for her this season. And, OMG, if Ryan had come near me in a bar, when I was still young enough to warrant that attention, I would have been horrified. He’s just creepy.
Softflesh: The whole bathroom thing got to me as well. I can’t help wondering if the PA’s standing outside when it was being filmed were at least thinking of intervening. I hope so…
Shantigal: I’m thinking that Tamra has now failed as a mother, a hostess, and a friend. Pretty good for one episode. I have to say that as soon I throw food at the screen my dogs all run to lick it off and now I have giant smears of dog saliva to wash off. Thanks alot Bravo.
Tadow: I like the idea of celery. Maybe celery will keep this show from wreaking the same havoc on my figure that it does on my conscience. Of course, I only like celery when it’s filled with cream cheese…Sigh!
Hugs,
Yenta
I am so angry. I feel like I have lost all touch with reality. I am so affected for some reason by this episode that I left messages on their little bravo pages. Tamra, her date rape son, f*ckface Simon, no neck Vicki, and the man who won’t touch her with a ten foot pole Don… are like the kids in the movie Carrie. Simon is the one who is all about etiquette, is this what happens when he dines with the queen? These people are repugnant trash. Oh, what is up with Jeanna always comparing their little clique to dogs. She says in the next episode *Don’t mess with the Mama dogs?* Hey beastly, youre the one comparing yourself to a dog, I’m only agreeing.
I wonder how Gretchen will deal with this next episode. She must be mortified, ashamed, and feel taken advantage of like a sorority girl who finds herself in a three way on a girls gone wild DVD two months after her spring break in Cabo.
And how DARE Vicky act holier-than-thou when watching Gretchen’s drunken behavior. Has she never watched herself any other season. She and Tamra are worse than any mean girls reference. I hope Vicky knows that her daughter may turn out normal IN SPITE OF having a raving narcissist ass-wipe for a mother. I don’t find any redeeming quality about that woman. It wouldn’t surprise me if, after the show has been off the air a couple of years, her husband grows a pair and leaves her and her children move far enough away where the harpy screeches cannot be heard.
Watching the guys throw gas on the bonfire was an accident wating to happen. Last night, a group of people had a bonfire in the town i live in. They decided to put gas on it to make it burn better. Guess what? it exploded, a 21 yr old was killed and two more are in critical condition. So Sad
These people are so disgusting. This shows that money and class are two totally separate things. I am not going to try and understand why Gretchen went to the “date” rape bash because I have never been in her position, and who knows how I would deal with that amount of stress. Jeff knew what he was getting with her, and was fine with it, and so were his children- that’s all that matters. To have your “friends” conspire to get you naked drunk, Tamara’s words, and to have her creepy son following her around asking for hugs just makes me want to throw up on all of them. Simon is creepy, and Don is desperate for a normal companion. You could see them trying to figure out how to lose their women and ask Gretchen for a hug in the bathroom as well. I’m glad that lesson in etiquette worked out for Tamara.
Oh, and I LOVE your recaps.
Dear Yenta:
I didn’t think it was possible to find a show where the bahavior of the featured women was worse than both “Rock of Love” and “Flavor of Love” but I was wrong.
After witnessing Tamra’s “Etiquette Dinner”, I’ve decided that Tamra and Vicki would fit in on either of those other shows and perhaps even “out-skank” the worst of their lot.
Judging by the messages boards on Bravo and a few other sites, Tamra and Vicki are both getting a load of hate mail. As a hostess, Tamra’s duty is to provide her guests with a pleasant evening. One would think that the safety of your guests doesn’t have to be mentioned to anyone over 10 years of age, but then again we are talking about Tamra.
I was at toga parties in college in the ’70′s where I’m sure I was safer than attending a dinner party at Tamra’s or a weekend of binge drinking in the desert with Vicki.
As far as Vicki, I loved it when she was talking about how her Father treated her Mother like a “princess” because she never had to work.
Vicki’s mother had 5 kids!! She worked harder in her life than Vicki can possibly imagine.
A lot of the people posting comments said they are not going to watch this show anymore. I really think Bravo “jumped the shark” and perhaps the story is over for these ladies. I hope so anyway.
Yenta, thanks for making this story palatable. It’s hard work to give us a recap of such heinous personalities and make it readable. Great job.
AnneM
PS Tamra and Simon’s house is for sale. They are listing it for $1.6 million which is 300,000 over it’s cost. Do I smell bankruptcy in their future? We all know Simon didn’t “quit” his job, he was let go because no one is buying luxury vehicles this year.
PPS For another eye opener, go to the OC Register news and google the chef from this episode. He gives quite a different story of this dinner than Tamra.
Psss….. Yenta..thanks for not mentioning “you know who” this recap…. You know, that girl who refuses to use puncutation in her comments. LOL.
I’m sorry, I am not buying this Ryan/Gretchen date rape yada yada yada. I think the editors are making it so much worse than it was. I think it was for the most part, staged, not scripted, but staged for ratings. I’m sure we’ll find out on Tuesday night. Do I think Tamra was wrong for pushing shots on Gretchen, yes. Do I think Ryan is creepy, double yes. But I also think Gretchen is an adult and has been around the block a few times and knew exactly what was going on.
I never watched the other season(s) – don’t know how many there were- of this show, but my gawd! Vicki is fucked in the head. I know you guys put it nicer and mention meds but DAYUM! Tamra is a lil Viks in the making just worse. Or since I’m drinking…WORSER!
She did say she feels guilty because she divorced alien-Ryan’s dad when he was a year old but I can read between the lines…this bitch is really feeling guilty because it’s painfully obvious that Ryan suffers from FAS. Look at that fug mug! And those rapist eyes didn’t come from fancy wine drinking either…it was straight up moon shine from where I’m sittin’.
Uglycutie… I am right there with you ma. Ryan, straight up looks like an FAS kid. When he was leering in the doorway offering to clean Gretchen’s tequila drenched palette, even my cat was nervous. He is such a creepy Mc creeperton.
Gretch shouldn’t have drank so much but like it was said above when you are at a party with “friends” you should be safe. She had a circle of special K cocktails in front of her and they were pouring her more.
Vicki is certifiably demented. Her mother is just as repelled by no neck as Don, her kids, and we are.
Ever since I have entered sobriety bitching about this episode is the most excitement I have had. Damn.
Could someone tell me how to find Tamra’s Bravo blog/message board? I found a blog for her on the Bravo website, but it’s for the January 2008 reunion show. I can’t seem to locate the blogs for this season of the show. I really want to let her know how I feel about her lovely dinner party! Thanks!!
uglycutie, for a minute I thought you meant Ryan had “Fugly Ass Syndrome.”
I’m with ya now: “Fetal Alcohol Syndrome.”
How many of these “ladies” do y’all think are full-blown alcoholics or addicts?
olderandwiser, go to bravotv.com, click on The RHOC under Top Shows. When that comes up, there will be a link to all of the ladies blogs – season 4. Wait til you read Tamras, what a joke.
Shantigal, thank you! I found the blog and read it with my mouth open. You are right – what a joke. Tamra tried her best to justify her actions, but it rang about as true as her breasts.
Oops, I meant to say in my earlier comment that ppl who drink themselves silly, are ppl who are NOT mentally strong.
Anyways, this whole episode got me thinking. Wasn’t Tamra’s twisted plot to “expose” Gretchen as fake, or undeserving. But hello? How is getting wasted, or as Tamra would put it, “naked wasted”, really exposing your true self? Isn’t getting pissed drunk a false representation of oneself as you are no longing rational and sober? Hell, after half a bottle of tequila, I sure wouldn’t be acting as per usual. Just wondering what you guys think.
Either way, Tamra, Vicki and their haul of white trash including Ryan and Simon, are a raving bunch of hyprocritical loonies! If Gretchen made any bad mistakes, then it is only fair to say they equally made bad mistakes too. How utterly sad that their halos are unscatched after a night of debauchery and scheming. Urghh!
Hey Gasmi,
Belladivision: I was really upset by this episode as well. And from reading comments hear and elsewhere, we’re obviously not alone. This was truly one of the harder recaps for me to write, simply because I was so disgusted and upset by the bathroom scene.
Congrats on your sobriety, maybe you can be Tamra’s sponsor. I bet that’ll bring in some excitement.
Silver: I totally agree about Vicki. This week I made a point of reading their blogs on Bravo. Something I don’t always do. Vicki’s doesn’t even mention what happened. I guess in her own mind, she’s just above the drama.
fatgirlsrule: OMG that’s terrible. I have to say when I sat back to watch the episode this week, I immediately thought fatgirlsrule is watching this too!!
Sheiny: I agree with the money/class issue. This show definitely proved that they don’t necessarily go together. And I LOVE your comments
AnneM: I love the info on Tamra’s and Simon’s house. I tried to go to the OC register but I could only find a recap of the episode. I did manage to find his blog on the Bravo site about the evening. It definitely confirms that Ryan is a jerkwad, famehore.
Featherhead: I have to admit, I did have a momentary thought of posting you-know-who as my first screengrab. With a big howdy caption from us at the Gasm. But this episode provided way too much drama to need any more.
Softflesh: Half a bottle of tequila and I’d be cold, drunk and dead. To still be even partly functional after that much alcohol makes me think that these women have a tolerance that’s unbelievable.
Hugs,
Yenta
Uglycutie: You are a riot. I never thought of FAS. What a nightmare. Tamra does say on her blog that after watching the episode she’s going sober. So at least something positive might have come out of this.
Olderwiser: I hope you found her blog. There’s alot of people posting upset comments and considering that Bravo usually censors negative posts, all I can think is that they’re just being overrun by upset viewers.
pixielated and shantigal: Love you guys. Thanks for taking the time to read and post.
Oh Yenta… how I wish I had toasted you with some painkillers or drinky-drinks before watching this train wreck!
I have never been a Gretchen fan – I think she is shallow and self-serving. But this week was difficult to watch. Yes, no one poured the drinks down her throat – but I have been in the spot (and who hasn’t) where 3 drinks were good so 6 would be great, right? When you go to a “friends” house you don’t expect to be set up like that – in fact you would think your friends would try to keep you from becoming falling down drunk. Tamara’s sly winks and asides to Vicki were despicable – and Vicki is every bit as guilty for not saying “this is wrong”. I had been looking foward to this epi, but was just revolted. At least Jeanna and Lynne had some concern for Gretchen – more power to them.
As for Lynne’s kids – let’s just hope the cameras are still rolling when spoiled brat Raquel (Braquel?) gets her first DWI. They can do a combined “Cops” and “RHOOC” show….
Yenta – as painful as this epi was, your recap was well done. Thanks!
soft flesh- hee hee
Your comment is so spot on.
Tamra is pathetic and acting like she is in high school. I used to like her and I thought her marriage was one of the healthy/cute ones (not like there was much to compare to). When Gretchen made a comment about “not getting any in 8 months” that should have been a sure sign for Tamra to stop her little game. It’s just really sad watching a depressed person get drunk and let embarrassing comments like that slip out. No matter how superficial Gretchen may be, obviously she is upset about Jeff and that was definitely coming through in her drunkeness… if creepy Ryan wasn’t involved, maybe it wouldn’t have been as bad, just a really drunk but harmless night for Gretchen. Ryan is so freaking ugly he’s hard to watch. especially that part where he is standing in the doorway waving his hand at the camera like a creep.
I still can’t get over the Steven Tyler thing. Thanks for the side by side Yenta.
Maybe she is his long lost 1/2 sister? I think the perfect word to describe Vicki is asshole. She is just a plain flat out asshole.
belledivision, when you said Ryan made your cat nervous I was very sad
I wouldn’t let my little dog watch this epi. It was one of those “parental guidance suggested” kinda things and I think I made the right choice. He would have given her night terrors.
I’m also very interested in why Vicki hasn’t had any corrective surgery for her bad case of meth-face. Seriously, her next “family” vacation can take place in one of the craters in that nasty potato head of hers.
uglycutie: I never ever comment on these things but your comment made me laugh. Vicki does look like a Mrs. Potato Head. They’re all terrible-Jeana and Lynn are the only decent ones on here. Even though I don’t really like Lynn, I almost have to change the channel when she and/or her clueless daughters are on, but that’s neither here nor there. I don’t dislike Gretchen but she does make very poor choices. However, Vicki and Tamra act like jealous 12 year old bitches and there’s no excuse for how they treated her. No one knows what kind of effect that level of stress will have on them until they’re in the situation and they took advantage of her. And Nugget’s dad Mr. McCreepy Pants…just gross.
I was a little “tardy to the party” – and from what I read Brian Malarkey’s Bravo blog has been edited by Bravo – removing all the “good” comments. Does his blog appear anywhere else in it’s original form, and if so does anyone have the link? THANKS.
Does anyone else think it’s odd that Gretchen attempts to justify her behavior on the fact that Jeff is in the hospital – i.e. She’s so distraught over the stress of her fiance’s illness and the time she’s spent with him in the hospital, that it’s OK to get wasted and flirt with other guys. If Jeff was not sick, and she was at this party without him acting that way, it would be so offensive! Why is it that the “stress” Gretchen is under makes this OK and causes everyone to defend her? If you are really in love with someone, there is no way you could even get as close as she did to another man, nor encourage it as she did. It’s just not right under any circumstances. Not only that, everyone has to take responsibility for their own actions. I don’t care how many shots she was encouraged to do, she did them. We’ve all been there and made mistakes by drinking too much. But even when people are buying or supplying you shots, you either go with it or you don’t and you know your own limits. Even if someone is pushing you to drink or take shots, you can stop if you want to. I’ve been in situations like that and knew when I needed to stop. And if I didn’t I knew it was my fault. I’ve never blamed my own drunkenness on anyone but myself. And finally, I believe that being drunk allows you to do something that you would do sober but have the restraint to not do. Gretchen was capable of what she did before drinking but just went through with it because she was uninhibited by the alcohol.
Thanks for the excellent recap, Yenta. I was sure, though, that you would mention Ryan hand signaling “the shocker” while he was sitting next to Gretchen. Do you think that was directed to his mom, or was it just a random twitch? Theirs is one helluva twisted relationship…
This episode was very disturbing. The drunk underage kids at the bowling alley was just pitiful. Lynn explaining to her angel that white russians are bad b/c they are fattening….i wanted to puke. OH, is it just me or does Raquel’s boobs look much bigger? wonder if she got a boob job? Lynn pretending not to know what a doobie is…. come on! I thought I would die laughing when Vickies mom pointed out a wrinkle under Vickies eye. Hey Mom… you might want to go look at yourself in the mirror. Vicki begging Mom for her love was just to much.
Naomi,Naomi…She needs to come to my house this summer when we grill BBQ chicken, Ribs and some big fat Steaks. We use paperplates (the good kind). No need for silverware, just use your fingers and wipe your greasy mouth on your sleeve if needed. It’s ok to burp and fart at the table, so Naomi dont need to be talking about ‘no noises at the table’. Naomi really should have went over the rules about getting your guests intoxicated and feeding them to your sleazy son. Why do Tamra and Gretchen even go to the same places if they dont like each other.
Oh, something else I noticed… when Gretchen was getting Jeff;s kids ready to go to the airport, and she was telling them something about ‘cancer/being sick is huge”, did anyone notice how she brushed her hand over her boobs when she said the word ‘huge’. that was weird but funny. Have a nice week people, it is supposed to snow in NC tonight!
JMac,
I’m not justifying Gretchen’s actions I just think Tamra’s were much worse. Besides, if Gretchen crossed any real boundries remains to be seen.
We all have our drunken fool moments but our friends are supposed to try to stop us from getting alcohol poisoning and protect us from getting date-raped not helping the rapist slip us the roofie, know what I mean?
So, had Tamra just been a non-active participant, or even tried to help the situation, maybe more people would be judging Gretchen a litttle harsher.
In this case Tamra is the greater of two evils. Serious evil. Acutally one evil happened when it came outta her vag trap twenty or more years ago and she named it Ryan.
Tamra could personally pour loads of alcohol down my throat and it wouldn’t be enough for me to flirt and fondle her son (or anyone else) “How old are you”, “I need someone to clean my palette”, “Stick it to me”. Those are words uttered by someone, drunk or sober, who intends them for what they are. Tamra may be culpable because she had bad intentions, but she didn’t bring out anything in Gretchen that wasn’t already there. If you are with someone you love, sick or not, you don’t do those things, drunk or not. I don’t care how wasted you are or who you think got you that way. It’s either in you to be that way or not. Blame Tamra for encouraging the drinking, but Gretchen showed her true colors. I wonder, too, how Jeff’s kids felt when they saw what was going on, when Gretchen was rubbing the back of Ryan’s neck or leaning in to him, making overtly sexual comments to him and others, etc.
Yenta, darlin’, this show has delved into depths that I thought only Atlanteans would understand (both the lost continent and the bitches from the city in Georgia) and I think the best thing I can take from their behavior is that money truly can’t make you happy. They all act like their lives are so enviable and that everybody wants to be them, but the truth is, they’re all sorely miserable, even surrounded by the most expensive toys and houses and boats that money can buy, and it makes me feel an awful lot better about my own pathetic non-jet-setting life (as I sit in a darkened room in front of a computer that I spend many hours writing smack-talk about people I don’t even know). The kids are just as bad, if not worse, and I’m guessing that many club smack-downs are in their futures once the show has run it’s course. No envy here, only pity, and even then, it’s sort of a watered-down pity (kind of like pih—) because they’re all adults, they all should know way better, they are just so infatuated with their self-centeredness that it doesn’t break through how awful they truly appear.
And I love them for it…
love, J-Mo
JMac, I think you are a tad confused with what intoxication actually means. Now, unless you have been plastered, On-your-face drunk, blackouts included, then you probably wouldn’t understand that when some people get VERY intoxicated, they say things they don’t normally say and do things they don’t normally do. You can read my previous post on the perils of drinking too much tequila, if I haven’t clarified this position enough.
You seem to think that a drunk person is always in control. I’m just saying that people push their intake levels to the point where they lose control. After a certain point, it’s not necessarily a choice of how you act and what you say, it’s the ethynol in the alcohol impairing your judgement! Yeesh.
Furthermore, to paraphrase your position, you think that Gretchen is in the wrong because of her smoozing with Ryan. Everyone made pathetic choices that night and I just don’t understand how someone like you can justify Tamra’s perverse plot to expose’ Gretchen, by in effect scheming, lying and manipulating people around her!
Tamra encouraged her guest to binge drink & then ordered her perverted, frankenstein-like son to prey on a drunk, defenseless woman.Yet you focus your attention on the person who isn’t the biggest hypocrite in the RHOC. Huh.
I think it’s really sad that some people have their blinders especially since an outcome far worse could have happened.
JMac, the most Gretchen (pumped full of tequila) was guilty of was some lame double entendres. When she asked Ryan how old he was I took it to be, because he was so far up her ass, she just likened it to a 12 yr old trying to look up her dress.
As for Jeffs kids, I’m sure they’d be embarrassed and hurt but they’re Jeff’s kids! But I’m sure they also saw the full picture and I’m sure that they understand that if it weren’t for Gretchen their father would have been alone the last year(s) of his life. At least she was there and she made him happy. I’m sure they would have put school on hold for their father but still, there must be some sort of appreciation for the role she played in the final moments of his life.
At least she didn’t treat him like Vicki treats Don. If Don was my dad then I’d have something to be pissed about. At this point Don would be better off with a young trophy wife fullfilling his every desire and treating him like a king than with that piece of grizzle he shares a bed with.
I am not a big fan of Gretchen’s, and I think a lot of her behaviour leaves something to be desired. HOWEVER, maliciously setting out to get someone “naked wasted” is beyond disgusting. People sometimes say and do stupid things when they’ve been drinking. When you’re out with your “friends” one would hope that they would be looking out for you, not setting you up. It’s just really, really gross. I had some really stupid drunken nights in college and I thank God that my friends weren’t anything like these assholes.
Soft flesh,
Unfortunately, I do know what intoxication is and I do know that it can make you lose control. Gretchen drank a lot, but she was still coherent. She was able to walk and talk and make inappropriate, suggestive comments at the proper time. I’m not saying that what Tamra did was right. But Tamra just brought out what was already there with Gretchen and deep down it was not pretty. I know even if I were as drunk as she was, if I flirted and talked dirty like that with other men, it would hurt my boyfriend’s feelings and I just wouldn’t do it. She wasn’t that out of control. Here’s an example: When people are sober, they may think about drunk dialing their ex, but if they’ve been drinking they might actually do it. Gretchen was way over the top with the flirting and touching, etc. I’m just saying it was there even before the alcohol, and I’m sure what she did would have hurt Jeff’s feelings, too.
As an addict I can confirm that when you are intoxicated to the point of oblivion and have moved into black out territory anything can happen. I woke up one morning at my friend’s apartment dressed like “I dream of Jeannie” minus the cool genie bottle and Master. Luckily, I was with friends who did not take advantage of me and come up with genius ways for me to grant wishes! And that is one of the tamer funner blackout stories. Damn, must be the uh um Indian blood in me, according to Tamraaa (said like drunken Gretch)
No Neck Vic definitely has that meth’ish picked skin kind of look. Wonder if it is those diet pills she takes by the handful she hawks on her site??
Can’t wait for tonight’s episode. Lynne getting torn apart by the momma dogs woof woof and gretch finding out which is worse jeff passing away or hooking up with FAS alien creepy mc creeperton, woohoo.
Keep the pets safe from predators uglycutie!
can’t wait for the next post Yenta
Tamara’s spin of the evening on her Bravo blog is full of BS – but one comment really struck me. She says her KIDS now call her TAMRRRRRRA! like Gretchen, thinking it’s funny. Which begs the question – you let your children witness this debacle? Good Lord, her spawn are doomed to end up like Raquel….
I’m not justifying what Tamra did, but Gretchen does have a track record of getting horny when she is drinking. At the track I don’t think she was anywhere near black-out stage and she was all over that guy in the next box. Also, according to a comment that Yenta posted (I believe it was last week) Gretchen hasn’t been shy about hooking up with guys, even, apparently, while she was involved with Jeff. Still, that was HER choice, and I’m sure they weren’t creepy mutants like Ryan.
uglycutie, I’m sure Jeff, who seemed to be a nice-looking man with plenty of money and charm, could have found someone other than Gretchen to be with him in his last months or years. Maybe someone that would have spent more time with him and not talked about humping medical personnel in the hospital during his illness,as she did a week or two ago. Still, he was an adult and knew what he was getting.
That fact that THIS TIME she was the victim of a vile scheme does not wipe out her previous bad behavior. I would probably rate her third-worst in this debacle, behind Tamra and Vicki but worse than Jeana and Lynne. (Though I do think that Jeana and Lynne could have done more, though I understand Lynne being hesitant due to being “new” in the group.)
As for Vicki, remember when she couldn’t give blood because of her acne medicine? She is too old to have acne (looks it, anyway), so I think we all know where the acne is coming from. And if she is an addict (crack or crank), she is under the influence of something, as well.
about the acne med and giving blood~~~~ I am a nurse, and being on a acne med does not mean that you cant give blood. As a matter of fact, potential blood donors are not even asked if they take acne meds. Of course, illegal drugs would dis-qualify someone to give blood….
” I am a nurse, and being on a acne med does not mean that you cant give blood. ”
Technically if the primary use for a drug is acne treatment.
Several other drugs do have acne fighting effects such as Birth Control Pills that are prescribed as acne medications since they are far more effective then the offical acne medications.
Also a lot of people call other skin conditions acne to hide what the condition really is so it could be a medicine that would disallow them to give blood.
YentaPatrol – where are you?! I live for your recaps. Actually, I think your recaps are even better than the show, and I have to admit – I’m addicted to the show. You’re two weeks behind. You must stop doing whatever you’re doing and recap the last two RHOC episodes immediately!
Kisses and Hugs!