You Are Being Watched, So You Will Behave.

Hey Gasmii;

Mega apologies for posting this recap later than normal. Blame it on an aspiring mugger, the ridiculous amount of time it took for me to get my wallet back, and my son’s hungry rock band. So enough already, lets get this ball going.

This week the Countess and Alex develop girly crushes; Ramona has a night out; and the Countess locates her husband’s royal Johnson in a shop window. Yowza, it doesn’t get better than this, so pour out those lychee martini’s and take the jump.

Happy Johnsons

This week we start with a girl’s night out sans Ramona, whose having her own girls night elsewhere, but we’ll get to that in a minute. So we start with a flash of expensive jewelry and a shot of Jill standing on the street, wearing a leopard print jacket and fluffing her hair in front of a shop window. You work it girl. Make that hair poof.

When Jill enters the restaurant/bar, Bethenny is already seated waiting for the rest of the women and greets Jill with a “Hey Cookie”

“Cookie?” Jill asks and gives the gentle version of an Elmer Fudd/Fran Drescher/machine gun laugh. Seriously, if you missed the laugh try to catch it again on one of the repeats. I don’t know why I like it so much, but I’m thinking of downloading it onto my hubbie’s cell phone as a new ring tone.

Alex eventually joins the ladies and she’s wearing a skirt that looks like something from the chorus in a gypsy musical. But I’m cutting her some slack as she probably dressed under the duress of having to leave Simon at home for the evening. Oh no, wait, I just realized that she’s wearing one of the outfits they bought on their $20,000 shopping trip at St. Barths.

Jill must have really laid down the law to get these two to separate for the night. She tells us that Simon was so upset that he couldn’t come to a girls night out that he even offered to wear a dress. No doubt that Simon was in the throws of another deep-seated homosexual crisis brought on by Jill’s rejection, when he picked out Alex’s outfit for the evening. You can just imagine him sobbing and flinging the clothes at her.

Aren’t You Glad Simon Isn’t Wearing This?

As Jill, Bethenny and Alex await the Countess’ arrival, they talk about their kid’s first days at school and Alex, unable to repress a sudden overwhelming surge of pretentiousness, tells us that Francois was upset that they didn’t give him homework in pre-K. Bethenny makes a heroic effort to bring Alex back down to earth, joking that Francois could translate their menus into Latin, but it’s too late. Alex overwhelmed and twitching with the compulsion to spew her pretentious pompous drivel across the table cannot help but share the information that Francois sings twinkle, twinkle little star in French, Latin and English.

Somewhere else in NYC Ramona is having a girl’s night out with her own friends. Does anybody else have any information on these women? It might be my third drink, but they just have that feel of the actress/model/escort/centerfold type reality casting extras that keep showing up on these shows. I mean they would have fit in really well on the millionaire matchmaker show, except that they’re a little older.

Anyhoo, Ramona meets her friends and tells us that her plan for the night is to hang out, chitchat, and laugh a lot. She wants to be really comfortable and let her hair down, say anything, do anything. Sounds like a plan that could promise some really good reality TV.

So I listen in anticipation as the ladies compare notes on plastic surgery and Ramona tells us that she believes in plastic surgery. Well no surprises there. Then we’re treated to Ramona giving up her butt toning secrets complete with a demonstration.

Do I See An Exercise Video In Her Future?

Meanwhile, the Countess has arrived to meet and greet the other hausenfrau with the news that her kids picked up lice from a camp in Switzerland. Jill is horrified at the announcement, telling us that; “I was beyond shock that she said that especially in front of people that she doesn’t know.” But being a Countess means never having to hide the fact that her kids have lice. Besides last I knew, lice, while decidedly high on the eewww factor scale, is not a moral issue. However, for Jill this is an opportunity to point out that people come to her for advice on a wide array of topics and she was able to give the Countess good advice. Telling us, “She never heard of lice Enders, but I did.” And really, I have to say, that if aiming a flame thrower at my kids hair didn’t get rid of the problem, Jill’s the kind of person that I would call for advice. She just gives off that warm supportive vibe.

The Countess takes her seat at the table and Alex announces that she and Simon are gearing up for opera night then blathers on about the opera, while Bethenny tells us that she thinks Alex compensates for insecurity with pretentiousness. Hmmm, I think that might be how the problem started, but I think its past the insecure stage into a full blown pathology, assuming that it’s possible to be pathologically pretentious. Meanwhile, Alex rambles on about Opera, Northwestern, and living in Italy, while Bethenny sits listening with this incredulous smile on her face.

Guess What She’s Thinking

The Countess, apparently impressed asks if Alex speaks Italian and they exchange a couple of pigeon phrases until Alex answers in French instead of Italian. Oh, I like French too, the Countess assures her. Of course this entire exchange has been conducted across the table completely excluding Jill and Bethenny, while Alex preens and the Countess eyes her with a growing infatuation. Jill feels left out telling us that she can “barely speak English.” I love Jill. And Bethenny tells us, I also speak French but I didn’t feel the need to chime in, it felt like a pissing contest. The Countess and Alex oblivious to things like rudeness and hurting peoples feelings continue comparing notes about Italy and Alex mentions that she loves the way the men dressed in Milan. The Countess adds that she loves the way everybody in Milan dresses. Bethenny tells Jill that, “I dress like a homeless person during the day.” LOL.

The Countess apparently drunk, deluded or able to see some redeeming characteristic in Alex that I am blind to tells her, “You’re obviously a very sophisticated lady. You know what we should do? Lets go karoaking some night with my niece Nicole.” Who would have thought that hanging out at karaoke bars is the new epitome of sophistication.

One Sophisticated Lady

Meanwhile, Ramona and her gal pals are being hit on by some slightly inebriated men who come up with the great pickup line, “Are you the three models from downstairs?” Of course, Ramona and her friends give them no encouragement.

Hey, We’re Gonna Have A Threesome

In describing the men Ramona says, “these gentlemen and I use the term loosely.” Honey, ain’t that the loose lady calling the pot black? Ramona continues telling us that the men were bringing her down, from whatever prescription crack/cocaine diet pill that she might possibly have popped for the evening. And, furthermore, “if that’s what’s out there being single in Manhattan, OMG I’ll stay in my marriage forever.” Well, at least your husband has the comfort of knowing that you’re still looking. And we leave the woman majorly bickering about who invited the men to sit down.

Quick, Give Her Another Diet Pill

At the other girl’s night out, the Countess has become so thoroughly captivated by Alex that she tells Jill to move to the other side of the table so she that she can talk with Alex more easily, and promptly turns her back on Bethenny and Jill. So much for polite manners. Bethenny comments that the Countess and Alex are getting along like a house on fire and Jill says that it’s because they’re both European. Okay, newsflash, marrying a spouse from Europe does not make you European, especially when you’re living in the USA. And, by the way, last I time I looked Australia was not part of Europe, so Alex can’t even claim European by association. Jill and Bethenny spend the rest of the evening consoling each other that they’ve been apparently overlooked and jilted for the wannabe euro trash blond chick with the bad hair. Has anybody noticed that Alex’s intro photo shows her with long healthy hair? She doesn’t even look like the same person.

The Best in Reality Show Makeovers

We’re next taken to a domestic scene with Simon and Alex in their house playing with their kids. It’s amazing to me that these two adults could have such sweet, adorable children. While they compare the benefits of store bought ice cream to Alex’s homemade ice cream, (Francois insists store bought is better), we’re told that they want to follow up with Jill about the possibility of getting Francois into the Claremont school and they decide to invite Jill and her husband, Bobby, out to dinner at the Kobe Club.

When Jill and Bobby join Alex and Simon at the restaurant, two things become very apparent. First, Bobby does not wax and second, he and Simon must have called ahead to coordinate their wardrobe.

Simon is enthralled with Bobby, chest hair and all, telling us that he “seemed really, really cool” and adding, “he seemed like a man after my own heart. Like me, he liked a good hard…” Wait for it. Nope. Sorry, not what you were thinking. “He liked a good hard drink.”

Jill sets up tour for them at Claremont and gives a little advice that I personally think Alex and Simon should listen to. I don’t suppose they will, but I’m sure that they’ll help their sons pay for therapists when they’re older. Jill starts out by gently asking if Francois has a nickname, because, hey, it’s a hard name for kids to say. Then speaking to the camera she tells us a little more bluntly, “They’re going to get their ass kicked in school. Their worried about getting them into private school, I’m worried that the kids are going to survive.” I love Jill.

So, Alex not really understanding the problem says that she is thinking of Franc as a nickname. Jill shakes her head and tells Alex, “They’re going to call him Frank.” And you know, in Alex’s mind Frank doesn’t go to the Opera, speak several languages, and move in the first circles. In Alex’s mind Frank sits on the sofa, watching reality TV and belching.

Jill’s words would have been unforgivable coming from a less well-connected personage. But Jill is someone that they want to know, treasure and use, so Simon tells us that, “She comes on quite strong. But that’s part of her charm, part of her character. She says what she thinks.”

Bobby tells them about Zaran fabrics and Alex looks profound as she comments, “If your not passionate about what you do, then how can you do what you do well?” In spirit I agree with this. Bobby also agrees, then mentions that they like to travel as well. And Alex tells him that they just came back from St Barths.

Apparently, Bobby and Jill also frequent St Barths and Jill asks where they stayed. Alex discloses the name of their hotel and Jill nods knowledgeably commenting, “Beautiful location but you don’t have any beach. Then to the camera Jill tells us that St Barths is the place to be in high season not low season, which is when Alex and Simon were there and goes on to explain that in the high season Jill’s hotel room cost her $2000 a night, where in the low season the same room would have cost Alex and Simon $300 a night.

Our next segment highlights Bethenny at her business associates Unexpected Mexico culinary networking event. And Bethenny is wearing a form fitted green leather dress that she looks piping hot in. This woman has the knack of wearing leather without conjuring of visions of motorcycle clubs, S&M clubs maybe, but only really high class ones. And I confess, I’m a little jealous, if I wore leather, the only image I’d conjure up would be that of a hairless cow.

Cows Never Looked So Good

Bethenny is all about networking and her buddy tells us that she was “born with blackberry in her hand before there were blackberries.” And she’s working it, talking a mile a minute, meeting and greeting. When adjured to take a moment to eat something, Bethenny comes back with “Dig into a fish meatball? Do you want me to take a trip to Cedar Sinai.” So I’m assuming that the food is either really bad or Bethenny has food allergies.

Anyway, Bethenny has invited a CEO of a liquor company to the event. He’s apparently a friend of Bethenny’s father and his presence seems to be the catalyst for a tirade of daddy hate. This tirade leaves me confused on a couple of points. I’m not sure if we’re talking about daddy number one or daddy number two here. I think she means daddy number one, since he’s apparently uber-successful and a horse trainer. Anyway, the whole thing feels a little uncomfortable and it seems that we’ve gone from poor little match girl to poor little rich girl. All I can say is that anyone who is willing to look straight at a camera and say about their father, “Despite you, I’m successful, I handle myself well, I raised myself well, I have my act together. I will stop at nothing, I’m going to be a huge success,” knowing full well that this segment might be shown on nationwide TV, has a few anger issues.

Moving on, our friendly editors take us to the Countess’s townhouse, where the Countess is getting dressed to hang out with her 23-year-old niece to go trolling through lower Manhattan and take in some indie rock. Her daughter Victoria is trying to help her choose her outfit, but I got to say that she’s not having much influence and is looking kind of concerned. The Countess is sporting what looks like one of the Counts smoking jackets or bathrobes, a diamond belt buckle and an absurdly huge diamond ring. I’m thinking that this is either the world’s most self-destructive personality or she’s just figuring that no one is going to mug her with a complete camera crew following her every footstep.

Does It Need A Tiara?

It seems like the Countess goes out a fair amount turning the parental reigns over to Roseanna. And I’m envisioning a new reality show, where Roseanna is given a bunch of spoiled society women to indoctrinate into normal life; sort of like a hybrid between “The Simple Life” and “Charm School.”

Victoria doesn’t seem too shaken by her mother leaving, she’s got her best friend over and is all about going off to boarding school, but Noel who’s younger seems a little unhappy. The Countess tells us that Noel is tricky about her going out, “because I’m not the typical mom that he kind of envisions” and that “They always try to pull the guilt trip on me. Of course I feel for him, but I don’t let it override what I have to do for my own social life.”

As she leaves for the evening the Countess tells Roseanna, “I’ll be back around midnight don’t wait up for me,” and Noel turns to Roseanna and asks, “Is she coming back?” On a serious note, I found this really sad and not in the least funny, so I’m going to move on to the shot of the Countess seated with her niece at a bar ordering drinks. The niece is sporting a retro sixties headband that looks like she wrapped a piece of electrical tape around her head.

If You Wrap It Tight Enough, It Gets Rid Of The Headache

Back home Rosy is talking the kids out of wanting to go to boarding school. Victoria thinks that if she goes to away to boarding school, she won’t end up hating her parents. I have to say I’m impressed at the way Rosy manages to uphold the Count and Countess and still work with the kids. She also says the wisest thing that any of the women on this show have said, “You’re being watched, so you will behave.” As one of our readers commented, it seems like some of these woman don’t realize that they’re being filmed and the cameras aren’t going to just turn off when they’re making asses out of themselves.

In an interview with the camera Rosy tells us, “That’s how it is here in New York, Nanny’s or housekeepers raise the kids. Parents just want it to be easy on their part and have fun and enjoy the night life.”

Back to the Countess worrying about the neighborhood they’re in. Her niece reassures her saying, “don’t be fooled by appearances, its good.” The Countess apparently not as enthralled with the downtown life as she thinks, answers back, “What do you mean its good? There’s garbage everywhere.” Ah yes, the other Manhattan. Clearly she didn’t live there during the garbage strikes. Now, that was a lot of garbage. But a window display of well-dressed colored penises distracts the ladies, both of whom comment that one of the colored penises looks familiar.

Royal Blue?

Then to support the local economy the Countess buys some sort of flashing light necklace thing that looks like a bike light off a street vendor, before finding the club they’re heading to. The music doesn’t float the Countess’ boat as much as she hoped, but she tells us happily, “This will keep me in style too.” Hoping that the “the downtown bohemian chick thing that Nicole’s got going,” will somehow rub off on her.

We haven’t heard from Ramona for a while so we go to check in with her and admire her black suit, pearls and fishnet stockings. And low and behold she gets a call to take Avery to audition for a part in a Meryl Streep movie. Then we have a quick flash of Ramona speaking to the camera about the audition, but I’m not sure what she said because I’m so distracted by her top. What the hell is she wearing?

You Mean That’s A Real Camera?

At the casting, Avery practices her lines, while Ramona makes her speak slower and slower hitting her arm to reinforce the point. Oh Ramona, how I long to send you to send you to Rosie’s “Charm school for Real Housewives.”

Finally, Avery gets called into the audition and we’re shown Ramona tiptoeing across the waiting room to listen at the door.

Inside, the casting director is telling Avery to speak more naturally and asks her who told her to speak so slowly. To her credit Avery doesn’t rat out her hyper-kinetic, dumbass mother. Afterward, the casting guy tells us that Avery’s audition is good not excellent, but not bad. Which is kind of too bad, but maybe for the best. I mean, I like Avery and want to see her succeed, but it’s not clear that she’s really into acting. So like Avery, I’ve got mixed feelings about this.

Our favorite campy gay/transsexual couple the Van Camps show up at the Claremont school for a tour. Apparently, by the time that the tour actually took place, Francois had been accepted into a different school. So this segment is really just a PR tour for the school, while Simon and Alex contrive to let everybody know that their kids are bilingual and carry three passports.

As a welcome relief, we next get to get smashed with our girl Bethenny and her friend, Lauren. They’re drinking lychee martinis and I’m going to pause my VCR for a few minutes to see if I can make one. Heh-heh, I’m back and ready to share this moment with our girls. These two are having a good time as Lauren happily explains how she uses her hubbie as a sex slave and you know this poor guy is gonna take a hell of a ribbing at the office after this episode airs. Anyway, the reason for this little get together is to get Bethenny pumped to talk to Jason about moving in together. And I’m feeling for the girl; have been there, done that, and it never seems to end well. Also, when Jason shows up Bethenny is smashed, not the best time to have a relationship talk; been there, done that as well.

Nows The Time To Really Hash Out Those Relationship Issues

Now here’s where I get confused, it could be the lychee martini, but it seems that this dinner is comprised from clips from the dinner in the first weeks episode. Oh, sneaky, sneaky editors. Or maybe, Bethenny always wears the same dress, cooks the same food and always gets really drunk before Jason comes for dinner.

Jason shows up, and Bethenny tells him, “I’m already drunk, just so you know. I’m sauced,” Jason listens to this without batting an eye so maybe this is just part of her routine. In a voiceover Bethenny tells us, “I would describe Jason as honest, with integrity, reserved quiet, private.” Okay, so I’m guessing that he probably, doesn’t want to discuss moving in together on national TV, but that’s just a guess.

Bethenny tells him, “I’ve been sweating and pale all day.” “Why?” Jason asks and you have to know that he’s having a “is she pregnant?” man moment.

Bethenny goes on to tell him that Lauren has friends that might want to sublet her apartment and asks, “Do you think we should start moving on that train?” Adding, “I really have no clothes at your place.”

Jason gives her the world’s sweetest smile and gives her the world’s most reasonable man response; “You should leave some there.”

Bethenny does the normal female drunken continue to push the subject and Jason is firm on wanting to talk about it later. Oh, Bethenny I can so feel your frustration. Hang in there, it will work out.

So Gasmii, what do you think? Will Jason and Bethenny hook up? Will Alex and Simon runaway? Does Rosy get her own reality show? Find out next week when Simon realizes that Bethenny is not a car, Ramona is implored to shake what she’s got and Jill is a very bad girl. Shouts out to everybody that’s left comments, you guys are hysterical and make watching the show that much more fun.