Real Housewives of Atlanta: The Big Boned Kid

Hello dolls, I am loving The Real Housewives of Atlanta more and more with every passing moment. I am both horrified and adoring at the same time, and what better combo could you ask for in a reality show? So let’s see what our gaudy gals are up to this week.

I want a weave! And I want it NOW!

We open NeNe! She’s meeting someone named Dwight at a café. And guess what? She’s still pissed about being left off the guest list at Sheree’s talk of the town party! Thanks girl, I knew you wouldn’t let the recap down! Gay bestie Dwight is always there for her and she needed to get it off her chest. Which, by the way, looks fabulous today. Someone’s invested in a push-up bra, and I’m sorry is Dwight wearing pearls?

NeNe would have felt a lot better if Sheree had at least made a phone call to apologize for the “oversight”, and Dwight points out that there’s a lot of jealousy going on between the ladies. He says all they can do is pray for Sheree, and NeNe points out how nice they’re being. They drink to being nice, and yes, Dwight is definitely wearing pearls. He’s Barbara Bush with a Jheri curl.

Even the dude in the pearls can’t stop staring at that rack.

Next up is Lisa, who’s rocking Pocahontas braids and bonding with her gorgeous husband, Ed Hartwell. They’ve been married for two years, and they’re best friends. Today, they’re golfing together. Lisa asks him what he thought of the party the night before. You know Ed Hartwell could give a crap, but it doesn’t seem like Lisa’s too tight with any of the other housewives so she’s got to have the expository chat with someone.

Lisa points out that when you’re having a talk of the town party, you can’t be running to the door all the time to deal with people. Hello, NeNe is not just “people”. But Ed Hartwell wisely agrees with his ball buster wife. They both agree that “it’s crazy”, and then Ed Hartwell steers Lisa back to her golf game.

Then we catch up with Kim! She’s throwing a birthday party for her daughter Brielle, who’s turning eleven, and I am not kidding you, looks seventeen. Down to the blue eye shadow and belted, pink spandex dress. This little peach has fallen less than centimeters from the tree. I wouldn’t be surprised if she had her own Big Poppa by the time this six week series was over.

Kim must have forgotten to send this one to school for the first four years.

And Brielle loves the birthday parties her Mom throws for her. Cause Mom is fun, and also she gets presents. Then she tells us her Mom is the “light of her life”. Coached much? The other eleven year olds at the party actually look eleven, by the way. Kimmie has hired a party planner so she doesn’t have to deal with anything. The event is a slumber party at a five star hotel, a fashion show and dinner at a café.

Brielle starts opening up gifts, and they’re nice but they’re eleven-year-old appropriate and therefore Brielle doesn’t seem too enthused over any of them. She opens a gift of a little pink handbag that looks like what I would think an eleven year old would wear, and pretty much tosses it to the side. A few gifts later, she opens up the next box to find a Louis Vuitton handbag. Which Kim tells us is actually the second one she’s received in as many weeks. I am scared for this kid. Brielle also receives a newsboy cap that Kim informs us was bought on the advice of Auntie NeNe.

Kim has invited her bestie (Hello? What about NeNe?), a frumpy looking gal named Cori. She’s been Kimmie’s best friend for years, they met during Kim’s divorce. And she’s onboard for the birthday party to keep Kim sane. And by sane, we mean fortified with plenty of wine and cigarettes. The party planner can only do so much.

They won’t stop looking at me! Someone intervene!

They pile into a huge white stretch Hummer, and the party planner is just now showing up. In the Hummer, Kimmie’s slurping from a red Solo cup, and we all know what that means – good call on the wine thing. They start playing rap music in the Hummer, and what’s more hilarious that a white lady with twenty pounds of weave doing some kind of humpty dance? Well, perhaps a white girl in a headband writing the words “humpty dance”, but let’s just let that one go.

Kim tells us that she embarrasses her daughter, but in a good way, cause she’s the “cool Mom”. My jaw literally hits the floor while she’s saying this, because her red blouse is unbuttoned to her waist, with a black push-up bra prominently peeking out. Actually, peeking isn’t even the word, perhaps flaunted out would be more accurate. She’s pissed at the party planner for showing up an hour late and not getting emergency contact info for the kids from their parents, but seriously, with a chaperone dressed like this, I think not having given out emergency contact info is the least of these parents’ worries. There are cameras you know, if anyone hits their head or chokes on some birthday cake, there will be proof, but when these girls are prancing around in push-up bras and spandex, the argument against Kimmie probably won’t hold up in court. That being said, I still totally live for her.

Ho Model

Okay, let’s take a breath and catch up with DeShawn. After the shock of Kim’s boobs, DeShawn’s ridiculous pretentiousness is delightfully refreshing. As is the pineapple that her chef is cutting up for breakfast. She needs a chef to do the cooking so that she can get her boys up and ready for school. It’s a real time saver having someone else to do the breakfast for her, “Whereas if I had to do it all myself,” she tells us…ummm, you’d be like every other Mom on earth? The horror!

DeShawn tells us that her husband, Eric Snow, is on the road six days out of the week, and during that time, she’s basically a single parent. “I have to do everything myself,” she whines. Everything besides cooking, cleaning, making the bed, answering the phone and managing her own life. Somebody hand me my violin. Although I will say breakfast at DeShawn’s looks delicious. She tells her kids to tuck in their shirts and put on their jackets, and then retires to a perch on the front stairs, clearly exhausted.

Stop crying or the lady who comes to clean the windows is gonna tell the lady that’s in charge of organizing your toy box I’m a bad mom.

Then it’s time to check in with Sheree. She immediately tells us that Kim is having a party for her daughter, and she wants to go but isn’t sure if it’s such a great idea after the debacle at door of her party the previous night. And then she makes me really, really jealous because she’s got a personal shoe stylist who’s come to her house with a ton of shoes. I spy a pair of D&G lace up booties and I literally moan. I am further tortured when the camera pans over Sheree’s entire shoe closet, which the shoe stylist tells us includes 1,000 pairs. They are all stunning. I weep for the injustice.

Sheree tells us that she was married to some NFL player, and they’ve been divorcing for three years. She’s reminds us that she’s looking for a lump sum settlement. Then we meet one of her kids, Kaleigh. Apparently there might be one or two more, but they don’t rate screen time. They’re probably not the cute ones.

Sheree tells us that her ex was always detached when it came to the kids, and that’s why she wasn’t surprised when he left. Then she tells us, “Thank God for the court system” so that her ex is obligated to spend some time with these kids. Followed by Sheree telling us that this affords her some alone time, followed by poor Kaleigh, weighted down with a backpack and a leopard print jacket asking Sheree to come open the car door for her, and Sheree telling her she can’t get outside in these shoes. Followed by some more shots of Sheree shoe shopping, and more ChickBomb still sobbing at the injustice.

Then we see Lisa and her husband, Ed Hartwell. They are seriously the most gorgeous couple ever. Lisa tells us that they own a real estate company, and Ed Hartwell’s association with his NFL pals is a big part of the business for them. Today, they’re meeting with the builders of a new community of generic, personality-less multi-million dollar homes to pitch their firm. Ed Hartwell opens the doors, and Lisa closes the deal, she tells us. Then they drink wine and eat cute little appetizers.

Brielle’s Birthday Tour is at the Hotel InterContinental. The kids are running around, generally acting like kids, and then they sing happy birthday to Brielle, who gets admonished by Kimmie for not acting grateful enough for the birthday song. “Act happy,” Kimmie advises, to which her bratty daughter starts hysterically fake laughing. But it doesn’t go unnoticed by Kim, who tells us she’s worried her kids are going to end up spoiled. Well, perhaps you should chill out on the $18,000 birthday parties then? My eleventh was a modest affair at the Skate 9 Roller Rink, and I didn’t exactly turn out grounded. It’s not looking good for Brielle.

Then it’s time to blame the party planner again. Here comes management at the door looking for a credit card. May-juh production intervention here, dolls. No one’s giving you and your party of ten kids a key to a suite without a credit card deposit first. But whatevs, it’s the perfect excuse for Mom of the year Kimmie and Suck-Up Cori to abandon their charges and head downstairs to the hotel bar.

I don’t trust that gd party planner. She’ll watch the kids, right?

Meanwhile, NeNe’s over at Clark Atlanta University with her son, Bryson. NeNe wants to give her kids the education and upbringing they need to become strong black men. I just love this about her. Cultural identity is so important, especially for minorities. I think she needs to have a sit down with DeShawn and smack that governess shit out of her.

As NeNe and Bryson cruise the campus, they run into the director of admissions. See, even intellectual types like their fifteen minutes. “This is my son Bryson, make sure he gets in!” NeNe commands. She’s excited and overwhelmed, and she also thinks she can be a student there ’cause she looks younger than everyone there. “That’s that good moisturizer, girl,” she quips to the nerdy looking tour guide.

Then it’s time to view the dorm room, and NeNe’s monologue continues. “Wow Bryson, this is wonderful! So they have a refrigerator already here? Oh! So we don’t have to buy one! Ooooooh! Bryson, are you gonna be able to keep this clean? Cause you aren’t that good at cleaning, sweetie. Am I gonna have to pay for a maid service? Mom can come and decorate and put my spin on it! Can you paint the walls another color? Can you hang a plasma? I’m hip, honey, I know a lot of stuff, I can really hook his room up. I like it a lot. But Bryson needs to like it a lot. Bryson honey, can you dust?” Who among us is not in love with NeNe by now?

Oh he’s a pig. I’m glad y’all are taking him in cuz I’m over it. Y’all are taking him, right? Right? Right? Right? Right?

You’re pretty.

“He can make his own decisions, but he won’t be making too many decisions without me,” she says with her with her signature hand wave. Poor Bryson stands by looking embarrassed. And I thought I had it bad when ChickDad attired himself head to toe from my college bookstore. Socks and sun-visor included.

Well, it can’t be easy to get a word or a thought in edgewise with Mama NeNe, but Bryson seems like one of those strong, silent types. He confidently says that he’s made his decision, and this is where he’s going to school. “So I did a good job?” NeNe crows. “I guess, but I don’t want to admit it,” cutie pie Bryson replies teasingly. “You always have to listen to your Mama, cause Mom knows best,” NeNe declares. Amen to that. ChickMom knew exactly how to strategically lose those ridiculous school spirit socks in the wash.

Poor DeShawn is still struggling to find “adequate” staff to help her around the house. Wondering what happened to last week’s Lindy and her teeny, tiny glasses? Well, apparently Lindy couldn’t verify her previous salary history, couldn’t provide any documentation. Scandal in Atlanta. Then we get another big monologue about how super duper busy DeShawn is getting her hair and make-up done, and therefore has to meet the next candidate at home instead of in the office. There’s an office?

I just had to walk down the stairs and pick up the phonezzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

The new candidate is Marlene, and DeShawn reads her a bunch of questions that sound like they came from an Interviewing For Dummies book. DeShawn’s putting on all the airs of a “high profile” boss, and Marlene assures her that she protects her boss’s interests at all times, whether she agrees with them or not. I wonder what kind of shady stuff Marlene’s previous employers were up to.

Next, DeShawn wants to know what Personal Assistant-Elect Marlene knows about her. Well, you’re married to a rich NBA player. What’s more to know? But it turns out, DeShawn is quite the philanthropist…in her own mind. Apparently, DeShawn’s got a foundation. And points for Marlene, who actually knew this. She googled. DeShawn continues carrying on about how everyone wants her but there’s just not enough time. Oh, now I see the connection between DeShawn and Sheree. The two most popular girls in Atlanta. Everyone wants them, and they’re just too busy getting their hair and make-up done and having shoes delivered to their house.

Were you in Austin Powers yes or no?

Then we catch up with Lisa, who’s still wearing her realtor hat. She’s showing a house to some fat ass music producer named Jazze Pha? No idea. In her interview, Lisa makes sure to mention that he’s a well known music producer, which I’m pretty sure she only learned when they walked through the door to the house and Jazze made sure to mention that he’s worked with Mary J. Blige and Chris Brown. She didn’t seem to impressed before that.

Lisa tells us she’s a very aggressive person. No shit honey, you don’t land two rich husbands by sitting on your ass. She loves selling houses and giving people a great deal. This particular house comes at the bargain price of about seven mil. Jazze makes a really dumb joke about how he’ll need walkie talkies for the place, which the entire entourage, Lisa included, laugh hysterically over. Big bank accounts make people much, much funnier than they actually are.

Lisa shows off the wine cellar, cause I’m sure the chubby fella in the XXXXXL gingham shirt is a serious connoisseur, and then she shows him the shower with three shower heads. “Three heads are better than one!” Jazze chortles, and the entourage once again nearly passes out laughing. I don’t get it. The bon mot, I mean, I totally get why everyone’s laughing at the rich dude’s “jokes”.

Did we mention there’s a Burger King in the basement? SOLD!

Lisa self-righteously tells us that while there are corporate people who can also afford expensive homes in Atlanta, and she certainly wouldn’t want to exclude them, it’s really the athlete and celebrities who have the dough. She’s dealt with high profile people before, she tells us knowingly, and they’re picky.

Finally we wrap up the pre-fab house tour with a trip to the golf cart garage. Although, shockingly, fat ass Jazze doesn’t golf, he’s thrilled to drive a golf cart around. Bottom line, he loves the house, and it’s sold. Yay, a $200,000 commission for Lisa! Doesn’t it just warm the heart to see a money obsessed social climber get such hard earned money?

And then we go back to DeShawn, who’s still continuing the epic search for household help. It’s the last interview of the day, and what do you know, DeShawn has managed to clear some time off her busy, busy schedule of hair and make-up to get over to the office and conduct the interview. DeShawn doesn’t like excuses, and has no patience for incompetence. Interesting, cause I can’t believe it’s this difficult to find “adequate” staff in this pathetic job market. If DeShawn had to do the job she was hiring for, she’d be totally screwed.

Make what bed? They came put together already. What are you, stupid? Who makes a bed? Buy that shit.

So, the new candidate is Deidre, and immediately, DeShawn is not happy. She keeps asking for details about Deidre’s work history, but Deidre’s being pretty vague. Actually, I have to agree with DeShawn on this one. DeShawn keeps asking for “pacific” examples, which has my hysterical. Tell me again how fancy you are, sweetie.

The best part of the interview is when Deidre tells DeShawn that she basically has no idea who she is. Ooooooooh! You just know this isn’t going to sit well with super famous DeShawn, and sure enough, Deidre is shot down with the information that DeShawn does several things. She has a foundation, “and it’s all over the internet.” Duh Deidre, don’t you know that’s where all the important foundations are.

Can I take a smoke break?

Next, we check in with my girl Kimmie. She’s there with the birthday party at Blue Jeans, a very fabulous store in a strip mall. The kids are getting to try on clothes and walk down the runway, and by runway, we mean the rounder of folded shirts. Kim reminds us how exhausted she is from the night before and the incident with NeNe. And then she looks at her BlackBerry, and sees a text from Sheree! Fresh off her talk of the town party, Sheree has now deigned to grace Kim’s daughter’s birthday party with her presence. All hail Queen Sheree.

Suck-Up Cori is immediately up in arms. “Absolutely not! No! We have to be true to NeNe! It’s not right, Kim. It would make NeNe feel bad,” her soliloquy concludes. Get a grip Suck-Up, you’re not cute or fabulous enough to be in the clique or a main character on this show. Lose some weight in the gut and put it back in shiny yellow hair extensions, find a mysterious sugar daddy, and then we’ll talk.

But if she comes the camera guys will make me wait in the car again!

Kimmie is not happy with Sheree’s intrusion, because Kim’s daughter and NeNe are very close, and she doesn’t want to do anything that would make NeNe not come to the party. So she and Suck-Up head outside to discuss the crisis. Suck-Up continues her desperate “We need to be true to NeNe!” rant, and Kimmie tells us that it’s a bad situation and she “can’t afford to have the drama”. Is she kidding me? You want to get picked up for a second season, you can’t afford not to.

So Kim shuts Sheree down, via text. So cold and I love it! But of course Sheree won’t let it go. There’s camera time to be had here, and who dares disinvite Queen Sheree from a party? She’s the hottest ticket in Atlanta! So Sheree informs Kimmie that, in fact, she has already spoken to NeNe and it’s all good. “Oh my God, call NeNe right now!” Suck-Up gasps hysterically. Kimmie is a bit perplexed by this turn of events as well. “It’s not like NeNe to resolve something,” she says suspiciously, which is why NeNe needs her own reality show on every single channel.

The mature ones in the room.

Sheree tells us in interview, in her super snooty, condescending voice, that she thought what happened to NeNe at the talk of the town party was so minute and unimportant to ruin a whole friendship over. First of all, I thought the friendship was already a mess? Wasn’t the talk of the town party supposed to be the peace summit? And second, like Sheree would have been so cool and collected had she been turned away at the door of NeNe’s party? She would have had the entire Sheree, You’re Fabulous! entourage on red alert.

And now, for NeNe’s side of the story…according to her, Sheree apologized, but she didn’t say she was sorry. I have no idea what the difference is here, but if it keeps the feud alive, I’m all for semantic nuances. Regardless, Kimmie buys the reconciliation, she’s relieved, but still a little worried that everyone’s “fixin’” (the best word in the South!) to ruin the party.

Over in mogul-land, Lisa is sick. She is tired, burnt out and hit a wall. And she looks absolutely gorgeous sick in bed. No hair-do or make-up, baggy PJ’s and still fabulous. If it were Sheree, there no doubt would have been four hours minimum of hair, make-up and wardrobe to tape this scene.

I think I caught a cold from that $200,000.

Ed Hartwell (I love the name, and that’s why I keep calling him that, in case you were wondering) is making her rest. If he doesn’t take control, she won’t stop. She keeps getting out of bed, and he shuffles her back in. Ed Hartwell is a total hottie, and seems like an awesome husband. Lisa tells us that her past marriage was a growing period, and you can appreciate a good man when he comes around, if you’ve had one who wasn’t so good.

And then, Ed Hartwell makes my heart absolutely melt as he heads downstairs to make her homemade chicken soup. Ed Hartwell’s Mom always told him that if you like to eat, you better know how to cook. Then he makes a dumb joke about how he’s Chef-Boy-R-”E”. Get it? E? Like “Ed Hartwell”? Ed’s tackling this flu like it’s a war. “We’re fighting it, but we’re gonna get the best of it,” he tells us determinedly. Ed Hartwell and his army of soup chickens. You know what would really beat the flu? Ed Hartwell shirtless with a General’s hat. I really think it would work.

And now for the last stop on Brielle’s Birthday Tour, and that’s Chocolate Pink, another fabulous strip mall locale. They sell cupcakes and candy. Okay then, I officially take back the mean thing I just said about them. They sit down at the cupcake store, and Suck-Up Cori starts playing with Kim’s hair. Now we’re veering into some downright creepy territory.

No, you can’t have my wig. Stop asking.

We are saved from this unsettling moment by the arrival of Queen Sheree. Oh, and DeShawn’s there too. The funny part is when Kimmie has to pretty much force Brielle to say hello to Sheree, and the kid’s like, “Hi. Is NeNe coming?” Sheree’s not all “Whooooo Lord!” fun like NeNe is.

But Kimmie’s going to make up for it, because Sheree isn’t in the door three seconds before Kim’s bringing up what happened the night before (or whenever) at the talk of the town party. She immediately tells Sheree that it wasn’t cool. Kimmie really does have NeNe’s back! She asks Sheree where she was during the whole brouhaha. “In the wine cellar,” Sheree replies matter of factly. Naturally. Where else would a classy broad like Sheree be during her talk of the town party than hiding in the wine cellar doing a dissertation on PR Tiffany’s fake eyelashes? Kimmie shares my sentiment, and very obviously rolls her eyes.

Sheree makes some lame excuse about how silly it was for NeNe to have gotten so upset over the simple matter of a name on a list. But Kimmie tells Sheree that it wasn’t just about a name on a list, and that the security people were very serious. Sheree’s brilliant response is that she doesn’t like “random people” in her house, and there were a lot of random people in her house that night. Hate to break it to ya Your Royal Highness , but this completely defies logic. So all the randoms just breezed through the door detail, but someone you actually knew got stopped at the door? I mean, I can’t really blame her, we know this was all Bravo’s doing anyway, but come on Sheree, work with me here. I want to believe.

Then watch out for the bear in the background with a beard. That’s as random as you get.

Then the cake comes up, and it’s one of those Mad Hatter cakes that’s been on every reality show since The Newlyweds. “Give me a big ass piece,” commands the svelte Kim. And then there’s a problem. The cake is gross. Should have called Gloria the cake lady. Or, as Kimmie, not as versed in the Atlanta cake game, grumbles, “Should have gone to Publix.” Actually, so should have, Publix makes the most delish cakes. Truly, they do. Don’t think I didn’t pitch a fit over my first one, but another life lesson from ChickMom.

Suck-Up Cori chews on her cake for a few seconds, although I’m really not sure why she’s bothering with the charade cause you know she’s just going to emphatically agree with Kim anyway, and then big surprise, she emphatically agrees with Kim. Meanwhile, Sheree’s on a mission to prove how much classier she is than anyone else by making a big deal to Kim over the fact that the knife they’re using to cut the cake is being repeatedly dipped into a cup of dirty water. Water dirtied with the very cake that is being cut. Travesty! At Sheree’s there is a fresh glass of water wasted on every, single slice of cake. That’s how the fancy folk roll.

But Kim can’t act like she’s not bothered over the dirty cake water, lest Queen Sheree think Kim doesn’t know how to properly throw a party. Of course, it’s the party planner’s fault. And Kim’s not paying her a dime! “I’m beyond pissed, and where’s NeNe?” she sputters.

“Ever since I woke up, it’s been about NeNe. Where’s NeNe? Is she coming? When is she coming?” That’s right doll, it’s NeNe’s world, and you’re all just being taped in it. Brielle pipes in with her ninety millionth, “Where’s NeNe?” of the day. And then finally, praise heaven, NeNe arrives! Kimmie literally goes flying downstairs to meet her. Of course, Suck-Up Cori trails after her, but NeNe completely ignores her ass.

NeNe, who makes me love her more with every passing moment, informs us that she deliberately didn’t tell anyone about the phone call with Sheree, cause she wanted the drama. Loves it madly beyond words! Kimmie’s still concerned though, cause she’s been down this road before and has seen it turn into a screaming match. All I have to say, is pretty please?

Hey guys! Wait for me!

NeNe heads into the party room, and hugs everyone hello. It’s super fake. It’s not looking good for the screaming match. DeShawn too is disappointed. “It’s like nothing ever happened,” she says dejectedly. NeNe compliments Sheree on her hair, the classic bitch-I-hate-your-ass-but-I’m-trying-to-be-civil move. Bummer. ‘Til NeNe sticks her head in the screen to tell us that if Sheree gets out of line again, she will put her back in her place. Well, here’s hoping!

We wrap with Kimmie and Suck-Up Cori having massages back at the InterContinental. Sans pancake make-up and hundred pounds of weave, Kimmie actually looks kind of pretty. “Mom, did you get your wine delivered yet,” her eleven year old daughter pokes her head in the room to ask. Unparalleled parenting skills here. Kimmie’s response is to wonder if she can get Sheree’s door people to keep her kids out. And through my horror, I love her more than ever.

So that’s it dolls, see ya soon for this weeks episode!