Welcome back to the ATL for another installment of the Real Housewives! I’m not gonna lie, this week was a buzzkill. NeNe’s sad, and when NeNe’s sad, whoooooo Lord, I am too. Luckily, we have Kimmie’s cigarette fueled music ambitions and DeShawn’s gala that’s sure to end up netting her three to five for fraud to take our minds off it a little bit. Grab yourselves an icy cold Co-Cola, and here we go.
OMG!!! IT’S CARRIE UNDERWOOD! Wearing a small child on her head….
The first housewife (and I think we’re really stretching it, cause she’s more of a compensated mistress, but I love her anyway) is my girl, Kim. Yay! I wish it was just the Kim & NeNe show. Kimmie’s getting airbrushed for a photo shoot. I think I hear her say she’s twenty-nine. I take it with a grain of salt. My Grandma used to say that too.
Yay for me! I’m finally old enough to get a drivers license!
Then she gets on the phone with the mysterious Big Poppa…and we find out something new, which is that Big Poppa is famous! I am dying to know who he is. Kimmie tells us he’s a great friend and more to the point, a great provider. She also throws in “kind”, just in case he’s watching. Then she tells us it’s true love. Yup, nothing says real deal like a guy who won’t go out in public with you.
Mia, Kim’s nanny and personal assistant – what the hell does Kimmie need an assistant for? Or a nanny for that manner? It’s not like she’s a working Mom. Whatever, still love her. Anyway, Mia opens the door to a huge shipment of shoes from Dior. I love how everyone in Atlanta is too busy to actually go shoe shopping in a store. It’s the telltale sign of money and class.
Kimmie immediately tosses a few pairs of shoes for having heels that are too low. Did I tell you we’d mesh or what? She’s puffing away on a cigarette and talking about how Big Poppa foots the bill for everything. But she’s in it for the kindness, you know.
The fancy straw wigs are just a perk.
Then she heads out, back in the Range Rover (seriously, will we ever see the Escalade again?), off to her photo shoot. First, she tells us she wants all eyes on her, then she tells us she doesn’t want to be known for big boobs and blonde hair. Well, that’s obvious from the twenty pounds of weave and the push-up bras busting through her too-tight shirts. Also, from the way she lifts up her skirt in the photo shoot.
So what does she want to be known for? Country music, of course! I know, what? She wants everyone to know who she is, which in Kimmie’s eyes is someone similar to Carrie Underwood. Yes, Kim. Multiply Carrie Underwood’s weight and age by seven, and you’re her twin.
Like twins! One just came out 29 years later.
Kimmie’s about to go into the recording studio, which she’s never done before, with Dallas Austin. Okay, even I know who this is. He’s super big time. What he’s doing with Kim can only be explained…by Big Poppa! Who is this guy?
Next up is DeShawn, who’s having dinner with a bunch of ladies at her house, and “rastrategizing” for the benefit that they’re putting on for the DeShawn Snow Foundation. The foundation is for teenage girls with self esteem issues. Okay, of course I support philanthropy, but really, what teenage girl doesn’t have self esteem issues? Now there’s a foundation for it? Her motto is that “every girl is a diamond”. They’re all diamonds in the rough, and DeShawn is there to refine them. “If I can prevent one girl from making a mistake,” DeShawn says…then yes, you’ve justified this bullshit foundation. Someone needs to find out how many cents on the dollar go to the DeShawn Snow Foundation, and how many to the ever elusive “administration”. I’m serious.
Shoulda called DeShawn, skank.
There’s so much she wants to do, she tells us, but she needs the funds. For what? To maintain an “office”? Cause all we see foundation-wise is DeShawn sitting around chatting about teen girls. Where’s the money going? And then we find out that DeShawn’s trying to raise a million dollars! A million dollars! I can not imagine what this kind of money would be spent on, but I’ve seen DeShawn’s house and her pathetic need for staff, and something’s smelling rotten in the state of Georgia.
Anyway, all the housewives are brought into the fundraising event, and they all think the million dollar goal is ridiculous, but only NeNe’s game to help, cause NeNe’s awesome. She’s happy to help. Hey, where’s Sheree? She could make it the talk of the town!
I’ll donate a bag of Tootsie Pops and some jump ropes, girl. And a plasma.
Oh, there she is. But, surprise surprise, Sheree’s not interested in helping with any talk of the town party that isn’t her own. She tells us that she just doesn’t think it’s feasible, because DeShawn is new to Atlanta. Or maybe she’s just not buying the for-the-children line either.
DeShawn tells us the theme of the party will be Old Hollywood, and there will be lots of diamonds and jewelry. Or “jewry” as DeShawn says. They’re inviting the who’s who of Atlanta. They need Tyler Perry. They need athletes. Call Lisa, dumbass. They’re going to be auctioning off dates with celebrities. Someone suggests auctioning off Sheree. NeNe says they can start bidding for that bitch at two dollars, and I am dying laughing. “Lord have mercy!” NeNe yells. Indeed.
Old Hollywood Jewry
And to my surprise, Kimmie’s hating on the fundraising party as well. Hmmm. She thinks it’s an unrealistic plan. About as realistic as you winning a Grammy sweetie, but that doesn’t seem to be holding you back, so why should it stop DeShawn?
And Kimmie’s certainly not going to be winning any singing awards with the cigarette constantly hanging out of her mouth. Today, we’re heading out to the sticks to visit Kim’s psychic. And now she’s in a Porsche. Fabulous! But how did she fit her hair in there? It’s a small car. She needs to see her future to make sure she’s going down the right path. Huh? But Kim and her weave and her Porsche out in the boonies is pretty priceless.
As are the rest of the housewives, who have also been invited along on the psychic visit. Of course they’re all down on it…all except, guess who, NeNe! She’s going to take it for what it is and go on her way. What would it take to bump off Oprah for NeNe?
Hey NeNe, Oprah left you off the list. Cut her!
Kimmie starts off her psychic session by commanding the sweet, old psychic, “Rose be good to me.” Then she informs Rose that she’s going to be doing an album. Really, why bother with the psychic? Why not just have Big Poppa pay someone to tell her what she wants to hear? Meanwhile, the other four housewives are snickering hysterically at the news of Kimmie recording an album. We are reaching new levels of bitchy here, and I could not be loving it more. Even NeNe gets in on it. She’s known Kim for years, and she’s never heard her sing. She’s heard her hum though. “Maybe they’re giving out Grammy’s for humming now,” she muses. Then NeNe hums. And she’s not bad. If they are giving out Grammys for that, she totally deserves one.
So we don’t really hear too much about Kim’s future, cause we’re focusing on NeNe. And Rose immediately zeroes in on NeNe’s Dad. NeNe tells us that there was never much of a relationship there. Her parents were never married, and he came around whenever he came around. The other housewives are surprised and affected.
And then Rose drops the bombshell – she sees some kind of misfortune for NeNe, coming in the form of a letter. There’s anger, and the anger will bring depression, so NeNe should be careful. “Shut up, girl!” NeNe says to ninety year old hick psychic. But she thinks Rose was dead on.
Way to scare the crap out of me, old coot. I see someone driving by your house in a giant expensive SUV and knocking down your mailbox with a baseball bat.
Well, that was getting heavy and I didn’t like it. So let’s see what social climber Lisa is up to. Oh, she’s got Sheree at her house. Work that ladder, girl! They’re having a get together with mojitos, and Lisa tells us that when they all get together, it’s men vs. women. Also, that her husband, Ed Hartwell, thinks he’s running the game, but he’s not. They literally end up with the men on one side of the kitchen counter, and the women on the other side. It’s very Summer Nights. Or High School Musical? I’m trying to stay relevant here.
And it’s the same dumb men are from Mars, women are from Venus fight that’s only been going on forever. Men and women are different. Groundbreaking. Who would waste their time even talking about this? But the Hartwells have turned it into a very spirited discussion. Even Ed Hartwell’s sister is adorable. I would love to dump DeShawn or Sheree for her.
And speaking of the Ice Queen, she reminds us for the millionth time that she’s at the tail end of a divorce. Are we going to talk about how she’s looking for a lump sum settlement again? No? Well, there’s a shock. Now she’s saying that there’s a real shortage of men in Atlanta. Twenty women to one man. Wow! Those are some odds.
Sheree’s problem with men (and I’m guessing this is just the tip of a Titanic sized iceberg) is that they start off confident, but it ends up being all about Sheree. Well, that’s probably after the metaphorical emasculation that happens five minutes into the relationship. Sheree doesn’t exactly seem like a lover. She doesn’t want to be anyone’s everything. And being the “independent, powerful woman that I am, I don’t want to lose myself. I want to be in control.” And that’s why you’re still single, darling.
Back to Kimmie’s house – she’s got some Wilford Brimley type over, teaching her kids voice and guitar. He’s adorable. So, if the country music thing doesn’t happen for Kim, she’s got the stage mom thing as Plan B. It’s always good to have a backup.
Wow, mom. You suck.
Then we get Sheree’s take on things, which is positively illuminating, because she tells us that “obviously, Kim has great connections and for her to get Dallas Austin is awesome.” Verrrrry interesting. Big Poppa must be some kind of VIP to warrant this kind of positive reaction from Sheree.
Ed too is impressed with Kim’s connections. And he’s all ready to submit something to Kimmie to pass along to Dallas Austin. Really? Grandpa’s going hip hop? I’m dying to hear this. And so Ed plays Kim his songs, which are adorable in a very Wheels On The Bus sort of way, but Kimmie’s so clueless she makes little burn marks with her cigarette on the ones she likes. Just kidding, she puts stars on them. Heaven help us, she smells a hit.
Okay, back to NeNe. Now you know NeNe’s my fave, but her storyline is very serious tonight and you know I don’t like this. There’s not too much bitchy I can expel over a lifelong paternity issue. But anyway, she’s gotten a letter on notebook paper from one of her aunts telling her that Curtis, who she thought was her Dad, isn’t really her Dad.
NeNe tells us that her Mom is deceased, but that she always told her that Curtis was her father. And this aunt, whoever she is, has sent a letter that sounds like blackmail, saying that she hears that NeNe has a nice house and a nice car and that she should be helping out the family. NeNe’s really hurt by this, and I love her so much I just want to reach through the screen and give her a hug.
Dear Aunt User, I am sending a bag of Tootsie Roll Pops and a jumprope. And a plasma.
Her fab husband Gregg comes home, and she tells him about the letter and the accusation that she’s not helping her family. Gregg understands “the flavor of the letter”, and he tells us that they have contributed, and they have helped, but some people will never think it’s enough. I think I love Gregg as much as I love NeNe.
NeNe wants to call Curtis to find out what’s what, and Gregg wants to help, but he’s concerned for her. How much are we loving this man? He tells us that his wife is strong, but even the strongest of people need a pillar of support.
Okay, back to something I can talk shit on, and that’s DeShawn. She’s giving us a big, lofty speech about what a good Christian she is, and how much she loooooves church. And we know from the Real World Sydney that the people who talk the most about what good Christians they are, are totally the best ones.
The congregation that DeShawn goes to is led by some Bishop. And DeShawn gets to go backstage and meet him afterwards. The Bishop is wearing a floor length marching band jacket. DeShawn hands him an invite to the fundraising event, which is basically a glamour shot of DeShawn. Because it’s all about the teenage girls with no self-esteem. Then she hits him up for participation in the event. She wants to auction off a lunch date with the Bishop, which he very humbly tells her would bring in major bucks. Awwww, just like Jesus would say.
This makes me feel sorry for kids alright. Hers.
And Lisa is having a party of her own, it’s called the Make-Up Bar. You basically get your make-up done, and get drunk. Hmmm, perhaps I’d mesh with her too. It’s the new hot thing in Atlanta. Can someone please bring this to LA?
Lisa has invited her idol, Sheree, to the make-up and booze party. And apparently, she has been commissioned by DeShawn to talk to Sheree about being auctioned off at the fundraising event, which has now been christened the Diamond Gala. Having everything to do with her little “diamonds in the rough” and nothing to do with all the diamonds this charity event is going to buy her, no doubt.
As usual, Sheree handles the request with a ton of grace. She’s immediately up in arms that DeShawn didn’t ask her directly. Cause she’s so darn approachable. She’s also got to throw in how popular she is, since she hasn’t brought along the Sheree, You’re Fabulous! ï£ª entourage tonight. She’s asked to participate in soooo many functions, and she can’t say yes to everyone.
Lisa thinks that Sheree is ready to date, but she’s picky. No one who actually likes her, remember? Which actually, makes her not so picky at all. Sheree wants someone good looking, smart, funny, who likes to have a good time. You forgot rich, Sheree. We’re no dummies.
“No ugly guys!” is Sheree’s edict to Lisa. Cause all lasting relationships are based solely on looks. Lisa encourages her to just go on a date. “You sure it’s just a lunch?” Sheree asks suspiciously. No, replies Lisa cheerfully. Easy for you to talk, Mrs. Ed Hartwell.
And now, let’s start the bidding! Anyone? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?
After they’re all made up and liquored up, it’s time for a photo shoot. Wow, they’re big into photo shoots in Atlanta. Sheree reminds us that she’s thirty-eight years old and hot. And glamorous. And super sexy. And that every woman wishes she can look like this. But will that keep the Ice Queen warm at night? Although, I will say, she is quite beautiful. And I totally covet the silver fur coat that she’s posing in.
Well, back to DeShawn’s McCastle. More on the epic search for a staff? No, she’s going to call Sheree regarding the fundraiser. And it’s a fabulous showdown of a chat. Old guard vs. new guard! DeShawn dials the phone with a sneer that says she’s hating having to ask Sheree for help, and it definitely comes through. “I guess there was some confusion about the fundraiser…” she says. And Sheree smacks her down by telling her that she needs more information, but oops, now’s a bad time cause she’s just in the middle of a facial. Priceless! I might be able to make the occasional cameo on Team Sheree.
DeShawn doesn’t take the slight too well. She tells us she’s not the type to keep asking, and there’s other people who would be more than happy to suck up to Mrs. Eric Snow, so she’s moving on. A Sheree/DeShawn bitchfight doesn’t have quite the same cache as a Sheree/NeNe one, but I’ll take it!
I won’t ask her to be part of the auction again! I will, however, ask her for donations again. And again. And again.
And speaking of my girl, there she is at Kim’s! The only thing better than NeNe is NeNe and Kim together! NeNe’s in the house and up the stairs yelling, “I hope that damn dog ain’t up here!” Who, Suck-Up Cori? Yeah, she’s there. Never one to miss out on a little NeNe time, but who can blame her?
“Where’s the wine, bitch?” she greets Kimmie. And if I know my girl Kim, there can’t be a box or five too far away. Kimmie’s really excited to play NeNe her kids’ sweet old grandfatherly music teacher’s songs, and NeNe’s uncensored response is that “it sounds like shit.”
“Way to go, Jarrell,” croons Grandpa. “Way to go Jarrell?” NeNe parrots. The girls are dying laughing, and so am I. Kimmie plays the next one. She thinks it has potential. NeNe thinks it sucks. It’s called Summer Days, and NeNe’s reaction is brilliant. “Kim, we don’t even like summer days,” she exclaims, “We be sweatin’, we like air conditioning! We don’t like barbeque, we’re on a diet!”
“Don’t you want something you can dance to in the club?” NeNe wants to know. No silly, she wants to be Carrie Underwood. That’s why she called Dallas Austin. But she did like one of the songs, Kimmie tells us gratefully, and it was the most ridiculous one of all. Tardy For The Party it’s called, and no, I’m not making this up.
“Don’t be tardy for the party!” NeNe sings and dances around the living room. She tells us it got stuck in her head, and it grew on her. “Tardy for the party!” she sings enthusiastically, “What up, what up!” With NeNe’s spin on it, I can definitely see it becoming a huge hit.
When this plays in the club, NeNe will still be the only one dancing. That’s a friend, people.
Then they go out to dinner, and yes, Suck-Up manages to tag along too. NeNe throws in the fact that she too sings! “You want to rap?” asks Kim, cause at the end of the day, she’s still a white girl. “I don’t rap, but I do sing,” NeNe snaps back. Then Kimmie suggests that they do a Milli Vanilli thing, with NeNe singing and Kimmie on the cover. Cause she doesn’t want to be known by blonde hair and big boobs, remember.
Then the conversation turns to Queen Sheree and her possible participation in DeShawn’s “fundraising” event. NeNe never thought she’d do it, cause she doesn’t have the personality. Kimmie says she thinks Sheree’s beautiful, to which NeNe retorts that she’s not a good person. Then Kimmie tells us that Sheree’s quiet, and doesn’t need to be the center of attention, which I think is the most deluded thing I’ve ever heard. Until Kim follows it up with the statement that she’s the same way.
I dress like I’m thirteen because it’s comfortable, ok?
And then we see the beginnings of the rift that will become the oft-previewed scene from next week’s episode, when NeNe says that Kim’s playing both sides of the fence, and Kim says that NeNe needs to grow up. A Kimmie/NeNe bitchfight? I should be happy, but I’m just heartbroken.
And speaking of the Ice Queen, she’s doing lunch with her hairdresser, Lawrence, who tells us that when you look as good as Sheree, you know there’s a gay man somewhere in her life. I have Flippy and J-Mo, which should make me the most beautiful girl in the world. Today they’re talking pageants – gay, transgender pageants. Which Lawrence is taking her to that night. Whooooo Lord, as NeNe would say. Queen Sheree at a gay, transgender beauty pageant? I have got to see this.
Sheree supports the gay community, charter members of the Sheree, You’re Fabulous! ï£ª fan club, and she thinks the pageant is going to be entertaining. They get to the pageant, and Sheree is in awe of the transgenders’ curves. She says she could learn a few things from them. Truly, penises or not, I bet you those pageant dudes are more woman than Sheree will ever be. Although, I am loving, loving, loving her oddly sleeved sweater.
Damn. If you’re not feeling insecure right now ladies, you’re blind.
And then we’re back to NeNe, who’s off to Athens, Georgia where she grew up, to meet with another one of her aunts. Not the one who wrote the letter, though. And this part is really sad. NeNe shows her aunt the letter, and then starts sobbing. This is awful. The father that she’s known is Curtis, and it would shock her for him to not be her father, she says.
NeNe wants to know, why now? Well, cause you’re on TV, babe. “They’re jealous,” says her aunt. She tells NeNe she thinks the letter is ridiculous, but NeNe thinks that’s easy for her today because she knows who her parents are. It’s an emotional journey, NeNe tells us, but she wants to know the truth.
And these editors are onto a trend here, cause they once again go from the heart-wrenching to the inane, as DeShawn and friends go shopping for diamonds for the Diamond Gala, Benefiting DeShawn Snow. I mean, benefiting the DeShawn Snow Foundation. But while she’s there, hey, why not look into some diamonds for herself? Cause it’s all about the girls and their low self-esteem, you know. She loves the colored diamonds. For the Foundation, of course. “All proceeds from the ‘jewry’ goes to the DeShawn Snow Foundation,” she reminds us, as if anyone’s still buying this story. Then she reminds us how she wants to step up her fundraising. Only two and a half weeks to plan, or no diamonds for DeShawn. I mean, for the girls with low self-esteem. Oh, forget it. I’m disgusted.
Mother Theresa was a sloppy, sloppy woman.
Get me back to Kimmie, who doesn’t let me down as she manages to smoke and apply lipstick at the same time. Anyone still wondering why her eleven year old looks nineteen? It’s her first meeting with Dallas Austin, so smoke up for sure! And here comes Dallas in a hot Ferrari. Kimmie immediately offers Dallas and his buddy cigars from Big Poppa, lest they forget whatever he offered them or threatened them with to get them to work with Kimmie on her music career.
Kimmie’s little daughter, who actually looks six, plays guitar, and Dallas Austin holds the songbook for her. It’s super adorable. And then, they start drinking. Can you blame them? There’s probably not enough boxed wine in the world to deal with this mess. Kimmie, and I can only blame this on being really nervous…or drunk…starts babbling about how being a Mom is the most important thing in the world to her, and that she’s looking to adopt some twin Vietnamese boys. Dallas Austin sits there uncomfortably. Seriously, what does Big Poppa have on Dallas Austin? He’s big time, he can’t be this hard up for cash.
Are these cameras really from a network or did this crazy bitch hire a camera crew, too?
“Let’s listen to my first single!” Kimmie says enthusiastically. Is it Tardy For The Party? I crack up just typing that. Kim plays the track and starts jamming to it, and Dallas is hysterical laughing. Big Poppa or no Big Poppa, there’s no other possible reaction to this. “It’s not the worst song in the world,” Dallas says diplomatically, “But I’m going to take a different approach.”
He says he’s never done country, but he’s going to give it a try, as a friend. To Big Poppa. He’s sending Kim to Miss Jan for some vocal evaluation, cause he’s got to say he tried, but he says he doesn’t think Kim’s thought about the hard work involved in a music career. Well, that was a nice way to put it.
And then we wrap things up with NeNe, Gregg and the Curtis issue. In Gregg’s opinion, NeNe should leave it alone, but he understands that she needs to know. “I’m afraid, but not afraid,” he tells us seriously. Uh, okay, I’m following you.
“My kids should be able to be with their Granddad,” NeNe tells Gregg. But solid Gregg tells her that this is for her. NeNe wonders what about her being damaged? And Gregg says they just need to call Curtis. “Go right to the source,” he says, but he’s very concerned. NeNe and Curtis haven’t spoken in over two years. Gregg is way too good for reality television.
Sorry. Just to clarify. The girl’s wack, right?
So, they get in the car, and NeNe makes the call. “Curtis?” NeNe says tentatively when he answers, “It’s NeNe.” Silence. “Who?” asks Curtis rudely. “It’s NeNe,” she repeats, and I am starting to tear up. Don’t mess with my NeNe, Curtis. I am not kidding. She tells him what’s going on, and he responds with a flippant, “Oh yeah, I had doubts before you were even born, but I let it go.” Oh my.
“Don’t you want to know the truth?” NeNe asks him incredulously. “Don’t make no difference now,” he replies. “Well, it makes a difference to me,” NeNe tells him. Curtis doesn’t know how she’s going to prove anything, but then the NeNe we know and love comes back to life and tells him they’re going to take a DNA. She says she thought she was going to be emotional, but now, “he can just tell me what the deal is and get the hell out of my life, period.” Gregg’s proud of her for making the call, and while I hate this thought provoking crap on my reality, I am too.
No, you can’t borrow a hundred dollars. But I’ll send a bag of Tootsie Pops.
And a jumprope.
And on that note, we’re out. Next week, it’s time for the Diamond Gala for DeShawn, and for Sheree to start sucking up to Big Poppa’s girl. See you then, dolls!