Real Housewives of Atlanta: Home Is Where the Heartbreak Is: Don’t Be Partying With Tards

Dearest Gasmii–

It’s too damn hot out to waste time with an opening monologue from your recap artist. Besides, let’s face it, there’s very little going on this season. I would prefer they’d have made the entire thing about Sheree terrorizing everyone en route to her long-unawaited fashion show. Although I do love Kim slowly encroaching on poor innocent Kandi’s life, career and soul.

Someone please get me a Jamba Juice Strawberry Surf Rider with a shot of Absolut Ruby Red. Thanks!

If there’s a slumber party next St Patrick’s Day, she is so covered.

Lisa & NeNe arrive at a boutique called Fab’rik to shop for their upcoming trip to visit Lisa’s family in Los Angeles. White wine goblets in hand, they attack the merchandise like it’s young buff production assistants and they’re John Travolta. NeNe considers a translucent top and then remembers “I don’t want the girls to be seen”. Which is just as well, since the sight of her undraped jugs would probably be enough to kill a tiny, Asian 92-year-old like Lisa’s grandmother. NeNe wants to bring Granny Wu a gift, and asks Lisa if she’d like a “sporty” pair of earrings. Lisa replies that her grandmother is basically bok choi in a wheelchair (alright, I’m paraphrasing), but NeNe says when NeNe’s “in the home”, she’ll want Lisa to show up with earrings for HER.

NeNe interviews that she “knows that Lisa’s family is Asian and black, so it’ll be interesting to see her family.” Yes, it’ll be like a giant Rush Hour sequel come to life! Lisa asks NeNe’s opinion about whether or not Lisa should visit her late brother’s grave for the first time. Lisa doesn’t see the point, since her brother has long since departed the planet. NeNe admits that’s she’s never been to her own mother’s grave– a prospect NeNe finds “scary”. But she agrees to accompany Lisa to the cemetery if she decides to go. Cut to:

“Remember, ix-nay on Mommy’s orrible-hay oice-vay!”

Kandi works out a new track in the recording studio, sounding as legit as ever. Before you can say “talent-less parasite” Kim drives up with her 7-year-old Ariana. Kim interviews that this is the first time she’s been in the studio since the Dallas Austin/”Tightrope” debacle last season. An all-too-brief FLASHCUT gives us a snippet of Kim groaning at the mic. Kim & Kandi chat about zodiac signs, and Kim is delighted to discover they’re both Tauruses, which, Kim interviews, explains why they’re sooo SOOO much alike. Ummm….. You both have vaginas. End of resemblance.

The snow-job Kim tried to pull at King Tut must have worked, because Kandi tells Kim that Kandi became inspired by Kim telling her that she leaves drama to other people. “People love to hate on me, girl!” Kandi says, before revealing that she’s written a new song called “I Fly Above”. The tech guy puts on a track and Kandi sings beautifully about rising above hateration. Realizing that her empowered-victim spiel is scoring major points, Kim interviews that she “was floored” to have inspired a fellow Housewife to anything beyond drunken mockery. “You’re not doin anything unless you have hatas… that is so true,” Kim remarks, glancing at Kandi’s lyric sheet. If that’s the case, Kim is a regular Martha Stewart.

“I hope this is soundproof cuz I can’t bear to listen to this shit.”

Quickly re-dropping the only name she has under her wig, Kim repeats to Kandi that Dallas Austin told her how alike Kim and Kandi are. Kandi says she didn’t ask Dallas for specifics, but gathers that there was “some drama with the music”. Kim mumbles “yeah, there was some drama”, then says her good friend Dallas taught her an important lesson– you don’t just go into a studio and emerge an hour later with a hit record. Because one doesn’t get deep truths like that from a mere acquaintance of one’s filthy-rich married ex-lover. No no no no.

Kandi interviews that despite Lisa’s bashing, Kandi thinks Kim is “pretty cool”. Kim tells Kandi about a song called “Don’t Be Tardy (for the Party)”. Another super-quick FLASHCUT illustrates Kim’s story about how she was noodling around with a potential country hit and NeNe started rapping along with her and it was wonderful and hilarious and a total cross-over hit single in the making. “How does it go?” Kandi asks, sensing she’s about to be pulled into a nightmarish vanity vortex. Kim of course can’t really remember the words, but she’s able to spit out a few lines, prompting Kandi to say “Oh… you’re gonna talk it to me”? Kandi would like to hear actual music, so Kim promises to get her a copy ASAP. Then Kandi walks straight into Kim’s big-wigged trap by asking who Kim is going to get to produce it. “What are you doin?” Kim giggles. “Ohhhh, that’s what we were leading up to…. now I get it” Kandi laughs.

“Pardon me, hon… eggs for lunch.”

Kim interviews that as a Taurus she grabs opportunities and runs with them, then tells Kandi that “Tauruses can do just about anything.” Kandi interviews that she’s unsure how serious Kim is about “her music career… but I love a challenge.” Beating the Russians to the moon was a challenge. Spinning Kim’s tone-deaf off-key Virginia Slims-vocal bullshit into audio gold? On another level entirely. Pray for Kandi. Cut to:

NeNe goes to a meeting with photographer Derek Blanks, who apparently gives Kandi’s homegirl Drexina Nelson a run for her money as Atlanta‘s top A-list shutterbug. NeNe interviews that the celebrities on Derek’s resume include “Kanye West, Jennifer Hudson, and now me.” Getting trendy, arty, pricey photos taken of your Housewife self for no discernible reason seems like a very Sheree move, but NeNe explains that Derek invited HER to participate in the latest hot thang. Namely an “alter-ego” shoot in which the subject assumes two wildly different characters reflecting conflicting aspects of their personality. Like angel and demon, accountant and ninja, or in NeNe’s case, as she puts it “housewife and stripper“. I know there’s plenty of rumors bubbling across the ‘net about Nene’s alleged past as an exotic dancer, but I’m too tired to look them up right now. Gasmii, feel free to dish on that subject below.

Derek also specializes in class nudie shots where the model is paired with herself like they’re horny, incestuous twins. As NeNe imagines what two NeNi with four fab fun-bags would look hanging over Gregg (Mr NeNe)’s bed, Derek mentions that he (and the Bravo overlords paying for this with cash and/or plugs) wants all five Wives to participate. NeNe ain’t thrilled with this, but decides that it’s cool if she “directs” them during the shoot. “I have to be the most fabulous one,” she bluntly declares. Derek assures her that he and his style team will make that happen.

“Here’s my impression of Kim. Oh, and she can’t sing, either.”

NeNe also wants to select the personae of her cast-mates. For instance, Lisa should be a “bad girl, cuz I do believe Lisa has a Bad Girl side to her.” Derek: That’s hot! NeNe says “Kim could be her diva Dolce & Gabbana Gucci self” and a “country singer”, which NeNe helpfully portrays by croaking into an imaginary mic. For herself, NeNe is considering Angel and Stripper. Derek quickly votes for Stripper, and NeNe sassily replies “of course you would, you’re a man.” He may even be a straight man, which would certainly be novel for this show, but there’s a secret line where metrosexual becomes DL ( it’s http://atlanta.craigslist.org/m4m/ in case you were wondering) so maybe Derek will end up trying to suck Ed Hartwell‘s dick like the rest of us.

Speaking of vulgar, Derek offers NeNe the chance to host a big show during which all the Housewife photos will be revealed in what Bravo is praying will be an Orgy of Booze-Fueled Bitchery. Actually, that could be a great alternate title for this show when they sell it to foreign countries. NeNe loves this plan and she and Derek high-five. Cut to:

NeNe meets Kim at Solara Sol, “A Lifestyle Nail Salon”, where K’s getting a manicure while some person who worked at Auschwitz in a previous life pumices her helium heels. Kim is a bit apprehensive when NeNe cackles that “I got a serious surprise for you!” “Aw fuck,” Kim quips, then asks NeNe to take her sunglasses off, which NeNe doesn’t want to do, seeing as she just came from micro-dermabrasion and a chemical peel. Or maybe Mr NeNe saw the price of those shades and socked her in the eye. Either way, NeNe says “I’m lookin a little scare-ay,” as she dunks her feet into an adjoining pedi-tub.

NeNe announces that the surprise is really for all the Wives and that it’s an alter-ego photo shoot. NeNe is choosing Kim’s and… “You’re gonna paint me black?!” Kim guesses. NeNe confirms: “You’re gonna be a black girl and your name is Kina.” Kim is a tad confused by this heady kooky concept, so NeNe must elaborate: “Kina is your black self.” Kim interviews that she has no idea where “Kina” comes from and that NeNe “pulls shit out of her ass”. Lovely! To make it easier, NeNe should have called this black self Kim, too, and just spelled it Qu’imm.

Best. Crime Scene Photo. Ever.

Kim is shocked/delighted/flattered that NeNe thinks she has a fierce sistah hiding under all the make-up, wiggery and giant pouches of silicone. “You are a black woman trapped in a white woman’s body!” NeNe insists. Kim: I was drunk when I said that! Kim’s jitters are cute– like a Little Leaguer who’s just been told they’re playing in the World Series. Wow, where did that baseball analogy come from?! Maybe I’m a butch sport-loving DL gay man trapped in a Latina ex-teen-model’s body! Where’s my photo shoot, bitches?!

NeNe cracks that Kim’s “mom had a black baby and didn’t know it.” Which is entirely possible, but that’s a different series. NeNe hilariously interviews that Kim “better get black, and get black quick!” But sistahood-time ends abruptly when NeNe tells Kim she’s going to California to visit Lisa’s family with her. Kim’s expression shrivels into a repulsed grimace as NeNe says they’re going for Lisa’s 92-year-old grandmother’s birthday. “Does that mean Lisa’s gonna live till 90?” Kim pouts. “Or older,” NeNe chortles. Kim interviews that she thought “it was really strange” NeNe and Lisa would travel together. Kim didn’t think they were that close. And if they’re gonna have a sleep-over the night of the Leif Garrett concert and not invite her, Kim’s not gonna let them sign her slam-book!

Kim tells NeNe she hopes they have a good time, to which she then adds Lisa “is as fake as a three-dollar bill” and that Kim could make it through the trip “if I had enough to drink” but whatever, Kim has a proposal for NeNe. Kim says she went to Kandi’s studio and got along so well with her because they “have so much in common… it’s crazy.” Certifiable, in fact. NeNe completely agrees with us and reacts to this claim with a hilarious interview sigh/groan. Kim goes on to tell NeNe that Kim suggested Kandi produce “Don’t Be Tardy (to the Party)” as a single for Kim & NeNe. Personally, I’d like Stock-Aitken-Waterman to produce it so Kim could meet Pete Burns from Dead or Alive then start stalking him without ever realizing Pete’s not a woman. Kim would also make a fabulous third for Bananarama.

I knew they shouldn’t have fucked with that mummy’s tomb shit.

Back to the cold, hard reality of Solara Sol Lifestyle Nail Salon, where NeNe sees through Kim’s desperation like it’s it’s a top at Fab’rik. NeNe interviews that since Kim’s on the outs with Lisa & Sheree, she’s trying to glom onto Kandi “and ‘pretend’ she’s a singer”. NeNe’s reaction to Kim’s announcement that Kandi might record the song with them: “Oh”. Kim interviews that this is typical NeNe behavior: “Everytime I meet a new friend, she always has a problem with it.” Did my TiVo accidentally record a really bad episode of the Clueless sitcom? I mean really, how old are these tramps?! Oh, that’s right. Kim’s 29. And Cameron Diaz has never had her anus bleached. Cut to:

NeNe and Lisa cruise Beverly Hills in a silver BMW convertible. NeNe begins a weird obsession with Lisa’s ethnicity that doesn’t let up for the rest of the episode. First, NeNe smirkily interviews that “the rumor” is that Lisa is a “li’l gangsta girl from South Central L.A.” Who’s going around spreading rumors that lame? Andy Cohen? This rumor contains way too much geography for it to be Kim. Maybe Dwight is twittering with his free fist. (Okay, that’s gross, but he’s the one who threw himself a bondage/circus party, not me.) Lisa interviews that she’s from Inglewood, which, FYI is more like Southwest Central and the birthplace of Tyra Banks. She tells NeNe she’s looking forward to introducing her to the Asian side of the family. NeNe says she has a pair of chopsticks in her purse.

“How many times have you paid for sex this week?”

It turns out they were driving to their hotel, The Chamberlain in West Hollywood. According to my local sodomite pals, this sleek, unpretentious boutique hotel is a hotbed of gay sex action with traveling homos using modern technology to order up some very meaty room service (http://losangeles.craigslist.org/m4m/). And what do you know? The first thing Lisa & NeNe run into after checking in is a tiny traveling homo with an entrance line: “Do any of you girls have a nail clipper?” The “girls” are thrilled to have found a pocket gay and promise to drink margaritas together. NeNe interviews that she has “a gay magnet– all the gay men just come to me they just come to me!” In this case he came to you because some producer told him to after seeing him queening it up in the lobby. Seriously, this gentleman makes Alec Mapa look like Alec Baldwin. He probably became that way watching Bravo. It’s true– prolonged exposure to The Rachel Zoe Project and Million Dollar Listing turns fetuses gay in the womb. Cut to:

Sheree is at a power-lunch meeting at a restaurant whose poor grammar matches her own. Rosa Mexicano?? Dios mio, ninos!! Atlanta is way too close to Miami for the gender of the adjective to not match the noun. Rosa Mexicana, por favor. If this is the state of Spanish in Georgia, no wonder Kim had never heard of guacamole. Anyway, this confab consists of “Event Producer” Tito, “Publicity Consultant” Jonathan, and best of all “Event Co-Producer” Yakita, who stares dubiously at Sheree throughout. Here’s the scoop– Tito is producing some big event that Jonathan somehow convinced him is the perfect place for Sheree to host the debut fashion show for her “long overdue” line She by Sheree.

“She’s shitting us, right?”

Loyal RHOA viewers will remember last season’s fashion show fiasco chez Sheree– at the last minute, egged on by Kim, S violently rejected the clothes, telephonically tore her seamstress a new butthole, then re-dubbed the lavish, over-hyped party (at her soon-to-be-foreclosed-upon mansion) a “viewing” so instead of a fashion show, guests got a bunch of sketches taped to the walls and a steady stream of delusional bullshit from their lovely hostess. Dwight pronounced the whole thing “dreadful”. For more details, see Chickbomb‘s delicious recaps in the TVGasm archives. You can also buy the whole season on iTunes and watch it at work!

Mercedes Benz is sponsoring the “exclusive, invite-only event”, which Sheree loves. She loves it so much she starts transforming into a werewolf diva before our eyes, rattling off a litany of demands, as Yakita reacts, dumbfounded. (It’s probably just the editing, but her expressions are great.) Sheree wants approval of all models, hair and makeup, she’d like co-sponsor Tiffany’s to loan her some jewelry, and she wants transportation to and from the event. In a Maybach. In case you’re a normal hard-working American like me, that’s Mercedes’ flagship vehicle that costs around $400K. Sheree interviews that she deserves the hottest chauffered car because she’s Atlanta’s hottest fashion designer. Seriously. Tito is so sorry he ever laid eyes on Rosa Mexicano. And he hasn’t even seen the fashions yet. Cut to:

“…And I want you to dig up Coco Chanel, make a goblet from her skull, and serve me Cristal in it. Is that a problem?”

Lisa & NeNe shop Rodeo Drive. NeNe loves her some Gucci. She interviews that she found people in Beverly Hills looked “rich.. clean… like they don’t need a bath.” Lisa & NeNe jaywalk over to the Luxe Hotel for a sidewalk lunch con bebidas adultas. But NeNe’s not happy with the vintage they selected. “What the hell brand is this?” she squawks after a mouthful. “Can we get a margarita? This some buuuuul-sheeyit wine.” NeNe tells their polite server she’d like a Miss Thang, which is a margarita with a splash of OJ. Lisa interviews that NeNe’s hilarity is a welcome presence on the trip. NeNe says she likes L.A., “don’t get me wrong– but there’s so much phoniness here!” A perfect segue for Lisa to comment that Kim would love Bev Hills’ concentration of high-end stores. NeNe philosophizes that if loving stores is your chief character trait, “that’s sad”.

Lisa tells NeNe she’d really like to sit down and talk it out with Kim, then interviews that Kim’s been going around town calling Lisa a “crack whore”, a term Lisa says she doesn’t even know the meaning of. It’s pretty self-explanatory, no? Lisa thinks they should “lay down the law” with Kim, but confesses to NeNe that if Kim got out of line, Lisa would do more than snatch her wig– she’d rip her eyebrows off, too. Don’t forget that group photo shoot– Kim’s alter ego might have to be Kina– African-American and alopecia sufferer. Cut to:

NeNe & Lisa drive to Inglewood, a neighborhood, Lisa interviews, that she grew up in but wouldn’t want to raise her kids in, a diplomatic way of calling it a hellhole. Lisa continues by saying returning home always reminds her of her late brother Meho, who died under mysterious meds-y circumstances three years ago. NeNe pulls the Beemer up to a tiny house with a well-tended tiny front lawn. Before they go inside, we get a rare on-location NeNe interview where she says she can’t believe she’s “standing in Inglewood”, which is SOO far away from Lisa’s current posh stomping grounds.

Time to go inside. Overstuffed couches, a state-of-the-art circa 1997 big-screen TV, lots of mirrors and gold chrome, and of course Lisa’s tiny parents, who are super-happy to see her. Last week we heard Lisa’s mom’s voice on the phone and I mistakenly referred to her as Asian. She reveals to nosy NeNe that she’s actually West Indian, and reminds me of Ronnie Spector. Lisa’s dad is a wee Chinese-American man with strange chin whiskers like Keye Luke in Gremlins who tells Lisa he can’t even keep track of all her irons in the fire and “You gotta get some rest, baby!” If you think it’s amusing for a small Chinese-American man to talk with a trace of an Eminem accent, imagine how it confuses poor NeNe.

“So what’s Eddie Money really like?”

NeNe interviews that Lisa’s parents are absolutely 100% different from what she’d imagined. I have to admit the same goes for me, Gasmii. For some reason, since they started talking about her family last week, I pictured a black dad with a Chinese wife, especially after hearing Lisa’s mom’s accent on the phone. I thought that Wu was Lisa’s mother’s maiden name. It’s kind of refreshing to see this uncommon (at least on TV) racial combination, and it’s interesting to hear Mr Wu’s recollections of the racism and intolerance they experienced decades ago from many of their African-American neighbors, who didn’t much like the idea of a black woman marrying an Asian man. Lisa says this carried over to her school days, where her mixed ethnicity alienated her from black, Asian and white cliques alike. Well, she certainly has the last laugh, since adorable Ed is the kind of man hatas of all races would kill to get naked with.

“He’s just so ASIAN, y’all!…”

“See?”

NeNe asks the Wus if young Lisa was a gangsta boo. Mrs Wu cracks that “she has a lot of experience” as the camera shows us a prom picture of Lisa clinging to a towering, massive black teen. NeNe interviews that from now on she’s going to call Lisa “hood-rat“, then tells the Wus about the “alter-ego” photo shoot (very relatable I’m sure) and that Lisa is going to be Angel and Gangstress. Cut to:

Kim calls Kandi and asks her to meet for dinner at Stoney River. Kandi loves that place, so says yes. Memo to Kandi: Netflix Single White Female. Cut to:

Where’s YOUR zed card, Tall Dark & Bangin???

Sheree arrives at her model casting, which is being held at a restaurant– if everyone else is lucky, one with a liquor license. Tito introduces her to event planner Frank, aka Sheree’s bitch until further notice. Sheree interviews that she’s looking for “high-fashion, Kate Moss and Naomi Campbell-esque” girls. Because Atlanta is such a modeling mecca. Spring for a trip to New York or Miami or cut the diva routine, honey! But no. Sheree meets Peter, a foxy local modeling agency partner who is going to present Sheree with many wonderful choices. But no. A parade of young beauties struts their stuff in front of Sheree and she hates them all. She interviews “I expected to see at least 50 models of all different ethnicities, at least 5’8″ and above, runway models, beautiful girls, and that’s not what came.” Again– New York… Miami? It’s called JetBlue, bitch. Look into it!

“I didn’t think it was possible to hate another human being this much.”

Sheree interviews that Frank “dropped the ball” by “reaching out to” only one agency, which she’s never heard of. She tells Tito and Frank that this simply won’t do, then interviews that she’s trying to dial down the cuntiness (again, paraphrasing) in the wake of her cat-fight with Anthony the party planner. But you can see it’s killing her to not skull-fry someone. She interviews that “if you cannot meet my standards, you’re out! I’m not wasting my time.” Cut to:

Lakewood Park Manor nursing home. Lisa & NeNe arrive at the family reunion/birthday dinner for Granny Wu. They’ve booked the dining room and smuggled in booze. Lisa introduces NeNe around. NeNe interviews “I know Lisa’s Asian and black. I just wasn’t expecting to see so many Asian PEOPLE.” Lisa counter-interviews “What did you expect, I’m half Asian!” NeNe tells Lisa how strange this is for her, because she thinks of Lisa as black. “Do you speak their language?” NeNe asks. Turns out Lisa does speak a little Asian, but NeNe interviews that “This doesn’t change my perception at all. Lisa IS black. She is black, her hair’s just straight.” Imagine a white friend accompanying, say, Rashida Jones, to a similar event, and substitute white for black and black for Asian in everything NeNe says. How would that sound? Extraordinarily fucked up, you say? Bingo.

“And it’s so great that Bill Clinton got your sister released!”

Lisa introduces NeNe to 92-year-old Granny, who seems very content to be there despite not having a clue about what’s going on. She’s lucid enough to share a beauty tip– she owes her well-preserved face to daily slatherings of Vaseline. “It saves me money!” Granny exclaims. I guess if the poor old dear is going to perpetuate a negative stereotype, better it be that than to tell us she keeps the wrinkles away by eating Maltipoos.

“Where’s my Jell-O? Who ARE you people??!”

NeNe pulls Lisa aside before leaving the party to tell her NeNe doesn’t feel right about going to Meho’s grave with Lisa– NeNe’s afraid it would be awkward. I was ready to slam NeNe for being selfish and unsupportive, but in a few minutes they reveal that the cemetery trip is a family affair and that Lisa was never going to be there alone. So I sort of get it. Lisa doesn’t seem upset with NeNe but is still apprehensive about going at all. NeNe asks what he died of and Lisa is blunt– they never found out. He was on lots of different medications “but then he would drink”. Lisa also adds that Meho was an avid Patti LaBelle impersonator and “was gay but had a girlfriend”. Interesting. Because her brothers Andre (the Tim Meadows one) and Carlos (the one with Rudy Huxtable pigtails and bitch-tits) don’t even bother with girlfriends.

Both of them are present (along with her big sister Marlowe, who ties with Rudy/Carlos for hood-rattiest Wu) at the sibling meeting Lisa calls after NeNe bails. Basically Lisa is hearing final arguments why she should subject herself to an agonizing cemetery visit when, for her, it’s just where Meho’s remains were buried and has nothing to do with the brother she prefers to remember in life. Andre peevishly attaches significance to the fact that “that’s his place of last landing– I’ve been explainin it to you for the longest, dude” and that since they’re all here they need to come together at the gravesite. (I think Lisa mentioned earlier that her mom had nine kids, so unless four other Wus have dropped dead, that argument’s a little weak.) Lisa tries to explain that she grieves for Meho in her own way, but ultimately Andre won’t shut up about it and starts yelling and Lisa weeps and caves and I am so over this whole storyline and unless Andre shows up at the cemetery free-balling in dolphin shorts I could give a shit. Cut to:

Throwaway Minute du Jour. Lisa takes NeNe to her favorite eyebrow spa for a personal treatment with brow czar Damone Roberts, who looks just like 70′s disco icon Sylvester, or, for my younger, straighter readers, Oprah Winfrey. Celebrity clients include Madonna, Beyonce, Gwyneth, Megan Fox, Alicia Keys & Michelle Williams. zzzzzzzzzzzzz

“Can we get the Gayle discount?”

Stoney River Legendary Steaks. Kim arrives to meet Kandi for dinner. Kim’s tits are so outrageously in-your-face that Kandi can’t keep her eyes off them. No one could. They practically need their own table.

“Wow! They’re…”

“…just so…”

“…incredibly…”

“…bulbous.”

Kim orders a bottle of wine for herself while Kandi asks for a Shirley Temple with pineapple juice. Kim gets right down to business– she brought a CD copy of “Don’t Be Tardy” and says she wants to duet on it with NeNe. The problem, she says, is that her friendship with NeNe is “very unstable”. Kim: NeNe bounces from friend to friend. You’re NeNe’s friend for like 90 days to a year and then NeNe finds somebody else. How come NeNe & Sheree are like best friends now? Kandi: They are? Kim interviews that she really likes Kandi because Tauruses are so honest and loyal and stand up for what they believe in. And what Kim believes in is character assassination and lots of it. She starts bitching about NeNe going to L.A. with Lisa, which she finds “bizarre”. Kandi interviews that she sometimes feels caught between Kim and the other Wives, but she can relate to being the odd one out because that’s what it was like for Kandi in the R&B girl group Xscape.

Kim asks what Kandi thinks of Lisa. Kandi says she likes her and admires the fact that Lisa has so much going on as a businesswoman. Kim scoffs that none of what Lisa does is “real”: “Pick a fuckin field!… You’re not fuckin Wonder Woman.” Surely by now Kandi must be thinking Kim is one bitter, big-titted bitch, but Kandi interviews that she thinks Kim is “funny” and “maybe I might get along with her better. Who knows?” At this point I want to strap Kandi down and make her watch every episode of Season One in a row. But we must be patient– the other Dior pump is bound to drop sooner or later. Kim is still ragging on Lisa. In between mouthfuls of spinach dip, Kim says “She tries to portray this image it’s like ‘I’m just so perfeck’ and the reality is Bitch, take your fuckin shades off cuz you’re not– is there spinach in my teeth?”

“OK, fuggit… I’m just gonna ask…”

“How d’you keep those off your plate?!”

Kim gives Kandi the CD then asks her what “Key of D”, which is written on it, means. Kandi says she needs to listen to the song and then carefully come up with the best execution of it– it will represent Kandi as well as Kim. Oh, Kandi…. throw that CD on the floor and run outta there SCREAMING while you still have the chance! Cut to:

Lisa visits the cemetery with her dad, Tim Meadows, Rudy Huxtable and Marlowe. The small headstone is flanked by several lucite photo plaques. Lisa weeps as Rudy starts talking to Meho and Tim Meadows adds that they finally got Lisa here, which I think Meho already knows if his ghost is hanging around listening to this crap. Tim has brought a bottle of booze, which he pours onto the grave. What is this?! 17th century Russia?! Lisa says that’s insane, not to mention rather distasteful since drinking is what probably killed him. Lisa asks for a moment alone with the headstone, but her dad stays with her. She says a few words to Meho, then gets too choked up to continue and generally feels like shit. Happy, Tim? Cut to:

Lisa & NeNe poolside on the roof of the Chamberlain. Lisa admires the view of the downtown L.A. skyline while we admire the view of NeNe in a lime-green nightgown of a dress that makes her look like Gumby‘s wet nurse. They order drinks and Lisa says that going to the grave made her deal with Meho’s death, so she’s glad she did it with her family. Still obsessed with Lisa’s racial quirks, NeNe says “Gangsta Boo is a Chinatown chick!” and then asks if Lisa was really a thug, which Lisa howls at. Lisa says she’s no hood-rat, but does she does know how to represent with jeans and a bandana… “but at the same time I can go to the White House and dine and I have the proper etiquette– THAT’S a woman!”

They high-five and NeNe says she loves “going from rags to riches”. Lisa agrees, but reminds NeNe that Lisa doesn’t act like she’s better than anyone. Unlike Kim, who’s a total label whore for someone who’s “from a trailer park“. As NeNe shrieks delightedly, who should mince over but Pocket Gay from the lobby. I’d recount the ensuing conversation, but I’d rather not give myself douche-chills right before bed.

Lisa: What this party needs is a fierce-ly annoying fruity stereotype!

NeNe: Wow, the service here is remarkable.