Happy Labor Day Gasmii–
Your recap artist feels like a Real Housewife herself this week! No, I’m not pimping a tell-all autobiographical cookbook/weight loss/etiquette guide. Or paying cash for a tract mansion that looks like a Neapolitan bordello. Or even mopping the floor with a party-planner with anger-management/sexual orientation issues. I’m just in the Hamptons at my sister’s house hanging out with my adorable nephew and niece Rodrigo and Emilia. If you think it might be difficult concentrating on one’s blog while two hyperactive Puerto Rican/Israeli tots play Wii on a 65-inch plasma in the same room, you clearly haven’t asked your orthopedic surgeon brother-in-law for a meds-samples ceviche. Who even knew there was such a thing as Vicoprofen, let alone that it went so well with mojitos?
Oh, in case you’re expecting a baby boy anytime soon, don’t circumcise him! When a Jewish surgeon tells me there’s absolutely no compelling medical reason to futz with the foreskin, I don’t argue.
Where we we? Where am I? Oh, that’s right. Hamptons. Labor Day. Children. Atlanta. Recap.
Hands up if you have a hood side to you.
Beauty salon. NeNe arrives for a “spa day” with Sheree & Kandi. NeNe’s interested in something called “minx“, which I feared was some kind of decadent animal-cruelty treatment but luckily turns out to be a glitzy faux-fingernail thing that’s apparently all the rage. Sheree clarifies via interview that this super-glamorous overlaying technique is practiced by stars like Beyonce and Rihanna, but our own humble S is the one who pioneered the look in Atlanta. Kandi wants to go mink, too. NeNe says she heard Kandi will also be getting “all [her] coochie-hair” waxed. Kandi says she’s started pubic electrolysis. Sheree tells them she’s proud to be 100% bush-free, creating an image in my mind that I will need way more rum and narcotics to erase.
NeNe mentions the upcoming alter-ego photo shoot which will include all 5 Wives, interviewing that celeb photog Derek Blanks has already done them with Pharrell, Jennifer Hudson, Diddy and Ciara. NeNe announces to the girls that she will be directing the shoot. Sheree interviews that she finds this “really strange”. NeNe tells them she herself will be a stripper as well as “the guy watching the stripper”, then interviews that she hopes the others will be open to her interpretation of their dual personae. Maybe Sheree’s will be Bald-Cooch Woman and Hapless Pussy-Waxer. No such luck. NeNe wants Sheree “in a prison costume” stealing a seven-figure sum from an ATM machine. Sheree saucily/haughtily interviews that she’s a bit miffed at this reference to her divorce settlement: “I don’t feel like I robbed a bank. If I did, shit, where’s the money?” But as long as she can be “a sexy robber”, she’ll do it.
NeNe tells Kandi that in honor of her upcoming nuptials, Kandi will be bride and groom. NeNe goes on: “Then I started thinkin, I could have you hood, too, cuz you ARE hood.” Kandi’s mouth pops open in offended surprise– “You just WANT me to be ghetto!” “You ARE ghet-to!” NeNe shrieks. Kandi interviews that NeNe has balls calling her ghetto, “when to me she’s the ghetto-est one of us all! Let’s be real.” “You bring the hood witchoo wherever you go,” Kandi remarks to general amusement.
Not ghetto AT ALL…
NeNe snip-interviews “Euuuuhhhh… I’m not from the hood… I’m from Athens. Which happens to not be the hood. I’m not from the projects.” As we all know from last week, NeNe is obsessed with hoods and ghettos and where they are and who’s from which one. In this case, she happens to be right. Athens is universally known as the coolest city in GA, a groovy, arty, gay-friendly college town that spawned bands like R.E.M. and The B-52′s.
Kandi asks NeNe if she’s “one of those proper chicks” who just likes to talk trash all the time. Kandi even mimics a hilariously white-girl impression of NeNe saying “Do you think I’m proper?!” NeNe defensively admits “Now look– I do have a hood side TO me… and I WILL get hood witchoo if I have to. I WILL letta bitch have it!” NeNe’s looking away, but it’s obvious to which bitch she’s referring.
Kandi kouldn’t kare less. “If I’m ghetto, she ghetto!” she interviews. LOL.
NeNe, back in control mode, tells Kandi & Sheree that “certain personalities” won’t be “with certain personalities” for the photo shoot, and that Sheree will model closest to Lisa, and Kim will be scheduled near Kandi, since “you guys are new friends now”. Sensing the resentful undercurrent there, Kandi tells NeNe & Sheree that as far as Kandi is concerned, Kim has shown herself to be a cool chick. They leap on this like paparazzi on Blanket, NeNe reminding Kandi she just met Kim and Sheree saying that she herself was in exactly the same position with Kim a year ago.
Lord, I DO need a wax.
NeNe interview-analyzes Kim– Kim must have someone to latch onto, and Kandi’s the only Wife left. Then NeNe asks Kandi the question anyone with a head would be dying to know: Did Kandi “get to hear” Kim while they were at the studio? No, Kandi says, but Kim did mention she’d like Kandi to help her and NeNe with the song “Don’t Be Tardy (To The Party)”. NeNe interview-sniffs that SHE’S the reason Kim has any aspirations RE: “Tardy/(Party)” because NeNe was the one who discovered the value of the song while visiting Kim.
Sheree doesn’t get what Kandi would do on the song– “it’s already written, right?” Yes, Boo. And the movies magically appear onscreen as Tyler Perry types each line of funny, funny dialogue. Kandi diplomatically says she needs to actually hear the song before she does ANYTHING. Thank Christ Kandi happens to have a CD copy of it in her car. NeNe would love to listen [and if songs had buttholes, rip it a new one] with her.
Kandi’s luxury sedan. Kandi pops in the disc Kim gave her and Kim’s daughter’s guitar-teacher‘s demo plays. Kandi interviews that the titular expression is “catchy” but the song? “Kinda… I dunno.” Translation: Meh! Kandi tells NeNe “obviously it needs to be produced”, but wonders if Kim is expecting it to be “a country record”. NeNe says she hopes it’d be pop, otherwise NeNe has no idea how to contribute. Kandi asks if NeNe has ever recorded in a studio before. Nope! And, NeNe adds, neither has Kim. Ever. “Oh Lord,” Kandi giggles. “What am I gettin myself into?!?” Kandi interviews that musically it must be brought up to a professional level even if the vocal talent is shall we say on the amateurish side. NeNe interviews that she’s not trying to pass herself off as a singer, just someone who sings better than Kim.
Throwaway Minute du Jour. This is the most random one yet. At Nazeem Allayl Studio, NeNe, Kandi, Lisa & Sheree take a belly dance class. Kandi & Lisa show off their flexibility and hot moves. All NeNe can do is shake her titties. And of course look envious and resentful. She don’t need a class for dat shit, Gasmii!
This is what they mean by “dance like nobody’s watching”.
Kim calls Kandi from the Range Rover to announce that she’s on the way to meet “your friend” Lisa. Kim says since she & Lisa must interact socially, Kim’s accepting L’s invitation to clear the air. Kandi remarks that it’d be nice to be able to interact socially with K & L simultaneously instead of treating them like Eminem and Mariah Carey. Kim says Lisa needs to apologize for accusing Kim of lying about needing to wear wig due to illness. An agonizingly brief FLASHCUT to the Reunion show refreshes us with relevant soundbites: L: You have no reason to lie about cancer, but can we get that on the record? K: I would never lie I swear so don’t fuck with me about that! L: You have a wig on, so what’s the deal? K: WHO GIVES A FUCK IF I HAVE A WIG ON!?! L: I’ll flip you over the couch… really.
Kim tells Kandi “You can call people names and stuff like that, but when you kind of insinuate something that was so serious and affected my life… that’s pretty hurtful.” Kandi, ever the wise rational mommy at a slumber party full of over-thirty brats, gently admonishes Kim to be “open-minded” because Lisa will surely bring up certain things Kim said that hurt HER. Kim tells Kandi that “nobody has ever really pissed me off that much” (REALLY?! Nobody? Ever?! Not Big Poppa? Not Sheree? Not Kotex-Emergency Nanny?! ), although NeNe “has had her fair share”. Speaking of NeNe, or The Queen Bee, as Kandi dubs her, NeNe will be directing the Derek Blanks photo shoot. Kim says it’s typical NeNe grasping at any means of control. “SHE wanted to paint me black and she has no idea that I’m not doing that!”
Oh, hayell no! Kim is refusing to portray her African-American alter ego, Kina/Qu’imm? That sucks because I was totally looking forward to it. And don’t lie and say you weren’t, too! We’re not the only ones who found NeNe’s naughty Nilla Negress notion nifty… Kandi was looking forward to it, too. She tells Kim so. Kim primly declares she doesn’t feel comfortable doing something so funny and awesome. You win, Juggsy Malone. Yay for gutlessness. Fuck off, edge!
Lisa interviews that “Kim has been going around lying on me.” What are you, a Best Western mattress? Close– according to Kim, Lisa is “a crack whore”. That’s why they ignored each other at the King Tut exhibition, but Lisa who can be even bossier than NeNe and has a posse of effeminate strapping bros resembling NBC sitcom stars Rudy Huxtable and Tim Meadows behind her, has had enough. DId the words “crack whore” come out of Kim’s kissproof pie-hole or not? Kim can explain, as she tries to clarify she was merely recounting a Google Alert libelously labeling ALL the RHOA’s– NeNe & Kim were strippers, Lisa was a crack whore, Sheree bounces checks, Dwight’s a power bottom… Now I’m a recap artist, not a forensic IT analyst, but that sounds curiously like Andy Cohen‘s blog. Kim says that Kim’s a mother, too, and that she’d never call Lisa “a crack whore” unless she happened to be quoting a Google Alert.
“THIS many glasses of chardonnay and anyone can fuck me.”
Lisa’s eyes start to glaze over and she interviews that Kim’s blabbering was exhausting and all Lisa wanted was to make it clear Kim crossed the line and warn her to never do it again. Lisa tells Kim Lisa told Kandi that Kim’s a fun gal but a pathological liar. Kim’s fixin to go Ricki Lake on Lisa with the old “You don’t know ME!” chestnut, but Lisa cuts her off. Kim needs to respect Lisa and her space and Lisa will do the same.
Now Kim wants that apology for Lisa calling her out on using dubiously authentic illness to garner sympathy for flagrant wig violations. Lisa says she’s sorry for making accusations about a time– The Great Wig Plague of Aught Six– Lisa wasn’t present for. Kim interviews her relief that the conversation stayed civil and Lisa didn’t fling herself over the table and snatch her face and scalp baldheaded. Truce.
Kandi & Sheree meet for carbs at Chocolate Pink. They make selections from a dizzying array of tarts, cookies and decadent sweet treats, then bond over chit-chat about what a toxic, fickle skank Kim is. At least that’s the line Sheree is pushing. She tells Kandi that K & K are still in the honeymoon phase and that “your time will come, trust me”, meaning Kandi will get burned for sharing personal info with Kim. When Kandi expresses dismay at this forecast, Sheree concedes that maybe Kim has learned her lesson after her dust-ups with Sheree, Lisa & NeNe.
When Kandi mentions one of the things she shares with Kim are deadbeat Dads for their respective daughters, Sheree jumps on the asshole ex wagon, too, and proceeds to slam hers, pro baller Bob Whitfield. Kandi actually knows Bob because she dated his friend, and is stunned to hear he’s “no Super-Dad”. Sheree says that “on the street, he is LOVED”, but behind closed doors, total dick who barely spoke to her (understandable) or the kids (not).
Sheree mentions Kandi’s engagement and she says she and fiance AJ are doing fine, but that a week ago tragedy struck. AJ’s son and nephew and Kandi’s cousins were all hanging out at Kandi & AJ’s for Spring Break, went out, and were hit head-on by a drunk driver. AJ’s nephew took the worst of it and is still non-responsive in ICU. Kandi breaks down and it’s heartbreaking, especially considering the reasons for most Housewife tears (you choose the Season). Kandi says the engagement party is off– she can’t bear the thought of celebrating at a time like this. I’m a recap artist, not a psychic, but I’m sure if it was Sheree her rationale would be “Why punish everyone?”, then not only would she go ahead with the party, she’d pimp how she’s donating all the proceeds to MADD from some non-silent auction that would make everyone uncomfortable and raise exactly $238.
“You can’t cancel the party. I already picked out my dress!”
To her credit, Sheree manages some tasteful tears. And when Kandi apologizes for crying in the cupcakes and says she’s used to being strong and not sharing her pain like this, Sheree immediately says, “I’m the same way.” Kandi– sweet, unpretentious, successful, caring… and obviously a trend-setter since every bitch in Atlanta says they’re exactly like her! Except NeNe of course, which is ironic since they actually do seem the most similar. But I’m an ex-teen model, not a behavioral therapist, so don’t quote me on that.
Kim meets her new nanny Tianna for the first time. Um, wouldn’t she have met her during the interview process, you might ask. No no no no. Kim is much too busy to hire a nanny, so she ordered her (LOL) personal assistant Myleik to do it. Myleik, you guessed it, “is a black version of me”, Kim claims. Too bad Kim nixed the black self alter-ego idea, because Derek Blanks could save, time, money and make-up by sticking Myleik into the photo shoot alongside Kim.
Kim, dressed in Business Hoochie attire, tells Tianna that “my kids are my life”, adding that “helmets” and “answering the phone” play a big part in her child-rearing philosophy. Tianna should always pick up calls to avoid Kim “freakin out”. No dummy, Tianna tells Kim “I love your boots”, but it sounds like “boobs”, which makes it even funnier when Kim responds by saying “I don’t need to see your resume”. Kim tells Tianna about her last nanny’s catastrophic decision to leave 7-year-old Ariana “alone” (not counting her 12-year-old sister Brielle of course) “to go buy a tampon”. Kim wants Tianna to know she can always borrow tampons from Kim, or Kim will call Publix and get them to send over whatever she wants, presumably including maxi-pads, panty liners, feminine wipes, disposable douchebags and morning-after pills, if those are legal in Georgia, which I doubt.
“And this is the hand I slap you with when you talk back.”
Kim tells Tianna how much much T will enjoy her “incredible”, “adorable” kids– “They’re like mini-me’s!” Have you noticed all roads lead to Kim? And dead-end right between her enormous up-thrust cans. The editors have some fun by having Kim interview “I’m pretty strict when it comes to my kids. You gotta be the cream of the crop to be in my house,” then tell Tianna how atrocious the family’s eating habits are: “We eat pretty bad. McDonald’s, Pizza Hut…” Myleik chimes in that Monday is Chick-Fil-A (which is MY sole fast-food guilty pleasure– I know it’s owned by a vile right-wing homophobic Christian nutcase, but Christ is that shit good!!!). To make matters easier, each day of the week has its own fast-food chain. Tianna asks how the kids are on vegetables. “Not good,” Kim replies. But since Wednesday is Subway, pickles and under-ripe tomatoes probably bump it up a bit.
Kim interviews that “my parents did a really, really great job with me and I hope to do the same with my children.” I think she just might get her wish! The editors continue their comedy stylings as Kim tells Tianna “I’m a mom, and a damn good one… I do smoke, and that was a problem we had with the other nanny. It was always like ‘You smoke! You have a glass of wine!’ It was always traumatic.” Yes, Kotex Emergency Nanny was a real buzz-kill.
NeNe arrives at Lisa’s tract mansion for a wine-fueled update about Lisa’s meeting with Kim. Lisa tells NeNe she didn’t expect Kim to cop to anything, but Lisa needed to make her boundaries clear. NeNe interviews that she hopes this will sooth some tensions at the alter-ego shoot, but that NeNe has also heard that Kim’s been bitching up a storm about NeNe casting Kim as her black self. NeNe vents to Lisa that NeNe’s spent tons of time planning the shoot, right down to selecting the perfect “hair, make-up and teeth” and she won’t suffer any bullshit lightly. Lisa says she’s sure Kim will show up, but why not call her now and check?
Gasmii to NeNe: The feeling this season seems to be mutual.
NeNe immediately phones Kim, who says she doesn’t want to be a black girl. “Oh, no!” NeNe interviews. “She is not tryin to change from bein a black girl!” Oh, yes. She is. NeNe asks Kim for some alternate suggestions but of course Miss Party Girl of No has nuthin. NeNe, admirably refraining from losing her shit, calmly offers to sleep on it and call Kim to discuss tomorrow. She hangs up, then asks Lisa for ideas. Lisa can’t think of anything she wants to say on TV. NeNe mentions that Kandi just requested to make her characters much edgier– in light of the drunk-driving incident, Kandi wants her photo to address that issue and NeNe’s all for it. She should be– that bride & groom idea blew. I have no idea how many of the personae pairs were actually NeNe’s (and not the producers’), but the black Kim thing had to be… NeNe’s disgust is way too genuine to be faked. NeNe laments Kim’s lack of spice while practicing for her own stripper alter by energetically shaking her jugs for Lisa.
Gregg (Mr NeNe) drops her off at Derek Blanks’ studio the day of the shoot, which she explains to him in great detail in case you’re just tuning in or waking up from your Vicoprofen nod. NeNe doesn’t know how nice Kim will play with Sheree– those two haven’t resolved anything since the wig-shifting fracas two or three hundred weeks ago. NeNe tells Gregg “I’m supposed to be directing” like it’s some kind of burdensome assignment she’s been saddled with against her will, and mentions that she’ll be shooting her stripper look at a place called Magic City. Gregg says he needs to go to the bank “so I can make it rain”, which, for my queridos amigos blancos is a reference to rapper Flo-Rida’s signature move of showering his huge-assed back-up dancers with currency. Signature moves sure ain’t what they used to be, Gasmii. NeNe tells Gregg next time “we gonna do the HUZ-binz… the two we got.” Good idea. Ed Hartwell‘s two personae can be Ed Hartwell Naked From the Back and Ed Hartwell Naked From the Front. Or maybe, Ed Hartwell Flaccid and Ed Hartwell Erect. I don’t know what NeNe’s complaining about. This shit is easy!
Lisa is getting into hair and make-up inside. Derek tells her it only takes 20m to shoot each look– the bulk of the work is PhotoShop compositing. Kandi enters just as Lisa is getting decked out as a Girl Scout. NeNe interviews that she chose Good Girl/Bad Girl for Lisa– a scout getting her cookies stolen and pushed off her bike by a hot nasty Hood-Rat. Lisa interviews that we’ll hear NeNe say she’s the director A LOT today, while Kandi ballsily refers to Director NeNe as “non-fabulous” (!). Kandi asks if NeNe’s ready for “your strip show”. NeNe replies later this evening is when “I do mines”. Way to avoid that insulting ghetto label, Neens! Kandi wants to direct NeNe’s segment, which NeNe seems fine with.
The photo shoot begins. Lisa looks super-cute in short skirt and ponytails as the Girl Scout, astride a toppled kiddie bike in the parking lot. “I believe I’m flashin some folks!” Lisa squawks. “I’m tryin to hide these cookies!” Lisa then transforms into the Bad Girl, which is very Rihanna-Meets-Pat Benatar with bustier, chains and punky wig with red extensions. She gets right into it, kicking at her imaginary alter ego with a sexy sneer.
Love Is A Battlefield Under Her Umbrella
Sheree enters to find Kandi getting made-up as a drunk who’s just left a nightclub too plastered to drive. Sheree interviews that it’s brave of Kandi to be doing this, and Kandi interviews that the picture “could mean a lot” and that Kandi is confident Derek will deliver. Then Kim enters with assistant Myleik. Kim says a one-word “hi” to Sheree, interviewing that the last time she saw Sheree since “she tried to pull my wig off” was at the King Tut exhibition, where they ignored each other. Kim approaches Kandi and continues to ignore Sheree.
Lisa & NeNe enter from outside. Kim tells Lisa she looks amazing, which Lisa interviews is a sign that their recent chat worked and that they’re moving forward. Lisa de-rats herself and leaves to go pick up Baby EJ. NeNe asks Kandi, “You gonna be good today?” “I’ll be good if you be good,” Kandi pertly replies, then interviews that she thinks NeNe likes to “come for me” by getting in “little stabs ‘n’ jabs”, which doesn’t faze Kandi a bit, since she can and will give it right back to NeNe.
They go outside to set up the shot, which features a glitzed-up Kandi behind the wheel of a Mercedes with a cracked windshield. Gripping a booze bottle, Kandi reacts in tear-streaked horror to the pedestrian she just barreled into. Kandi interviews that she brought all her personal emotion to the shot. NeNe interviews how impressed she is by Kandi’s dedication and acting ability.
The stylist who put her in turquoise brass knuckles might have been drinking, too.
Meanwhile, inside in their dis-respective make-up chairs, Kim & Sheree eye each other covertly until to Kim’s shock Sheree breaks the ice by asking if Kim heard about Kandi’s trauma with her fiance’s nephew and the car accident. Sheree recounts how she innocently “axed” Kandi about her engagement party and learned the horrible news. Kim puts forth her best sympathetic conversational effort, but makes it clear that she already knew all about the accident and heard the breaking news during a text-chat with Kandi.
Kim adds that “I hugged my kids a little bit tighter that day”, obviously reminding them to wear their seatbelts by pressing them hard against her air-bags. Sheree wants to make sure they’re all “there for” Kandi, who so deserves it. Kim agrees– “I love her, I adore her, I think she’s a great person. Very level-headed, very honest…” “And real,” concludes Sheree, the woman who, as “Atlanta’s #1 designer” demanded a $400K car to chauffeur her to her debut fashion show. And Kim is certainly all about being real. Just ask the personal assistant who makes her wig-styling appointments and hires her nannies!
Kandi returns from Part One of the shoot and is made up as the drunk driver’s victim, in a pink ingenue dress and long flowy black soap opera wig. Derek positions her on the hood of the Mercedes, her face smashed against the cracked glass. NeNe is hilariously directorial, demanding– and getting– “more pain”. NeNe interviews that Kandi’s shoot was “phenomenal”. Kandi interviews that NeNe overcame Kandi’s skepticism and was a terrific directress.
And now for the Extreme Bitching portion of the evening aka Kim. Kim’s first look is “Stepford Wife” and she’s wearing pearls, a no-cleavage top and brunette bob wig. She looks like L.A. performance/artist drag queen Jackie Beat, but without the singing talent of course. Kim enters kvetching that the wig is “horrific” and she wants “porno hair” but stylist Derek J says it’s supposed to be like that. Kim interviews that this wig is “just as bad” as NeNe’s black girl idea.
The baby’s last view before Kim presses Tumble Dry.
NeNe’s Gay Dwight enters and tells Kim that she looks great as a brunette, the wig makes her eyes pop, and she should keep it that way. Kim is whorified at the notion. She tells Dwight her alter-ego is “Betty Crocker” which he agrees is “dreadful”. NeNe crows about how people everywhere will want to copy the styles in this shoot. Dwight is miffed he wasn’t invited to participate (in drag, of course) and tries on a pair of heels to general amusement.
They go to a laundromat for Kim’s shoot, where NeNe tries to explain that Stepford Kim shouldn’t be posing like a bombshell; she’s supposed to be disgusted by Mistress Kim. “I didn’t know what the hell I was supposed to be doing!” Kim interviews. “What is an alter-ego anyway?” First off, NeNe explained what you were supposed to be doing. Secondly, if you don’t know what an alter-ego is, tell Myleik to look it up on the interweb. While she’s at it, maybe she could explain the true definition of a Stepford Wife. Stepford Wives ARE supposed to be super-sexy– they’re androids created to be mindless domestic goddesses but are also designed and programmed to be hot, busty, submissive sex slaves. The whole point of having one is so you don’t need a mistress.
Anyway, NeNe interviews her frustration at Kim’s inability (or refusal) to take direction. “Wake the hell up! You the one who chose this!” When it comes time to do Kim’s other half, NeNe decides not to to stay. She interviews “I leave it to Kim to do her Mistress shoot…. which Kim should have no problem doing. She should ace this one, honey, because she IS a mistress.” She’s right. Kim stands there as herself, in some kind of silk kimono and heels, crotch blurred because her thong is exposing Christ knows what, pulling a slutty bra from a dryer. Lisa interviews that she thinks Kim “should have stretched herself a little bit, but I guess she’s pleased with it.”
On to Magic City, “a popular strip club here in Atlanta”, for Sheree & NeNe’s shoots. Sheree’s first character is “a fashionista”, “which works perfectly” “because I’m a designer”. The idea is that Sheree’s alter ego, a robber, is mugging her for “seven figures” in cash. Sheree interviews that NeNe “is trying to reference my divorce settlement, but I’m a good sport so I’ma roll with it.” What a peach. NeNe explains via interview that the concept requires a stand-in arm to put Sheree in a choke-hold for the robbery. Kandi volunteers for this, and is so effective it brings out real consternation in Sheree and causes NeNe to shriek “Look at Kandi! I knew you were from the hood!” Everyone including Derek Blanks loves the first photo– Sheree looks wildly energetic and terrified.
We’ve all thought about doing it, Kandi.
NeNe interviews “there was a time when Sheree didn’t even wanna talk about the whole seven figures thing, so I was surprised” that she agreed to dramatize it on-camera. Funny, I don’t remember a time when Sheree WASN’T constantly boasting about getting seven figures out of Bob Whitfield. In any case, Sheree’s actually much more at home playing the robber, and pulls the perfect ruthless, vicious face as she swaps places with Kandi and snatches the money from her. Sheree interviews that “the way people gossip about me and my settlement, it felt good to make a joke out of it.” Why is Sheree on such good behavior??! Maybe she needs to ration out her reserves of pure evil for the upcoming fashion show massacre.
Finally, it’s time for NeNe. Instead of a horny man, she’s playing a less-interesting uptight society matron in pearls who’s skeeved out to be in a strip club. Kandi steps in to direct this one, and NeNe & Kandi both interview that they enjoyed working with each other. The team starts dolling NeNe up as the stripper, and Dwight interviews “I love NeNe’s stripper look. I thought she was hot. You know I loooove the melons! She has GREAT melons.” Keep it in your pants, girl. As she’s squeezed into a hot-pink bustier and shortie bicycle pants, NeNe explains that having a bunch of real strippers there prepping for work really inspired her.
NeNe interviews : People have talked about me that I was a stripper… I’m your stripper! You got it baby, and I’m gonna BRING IT ALL THE WAY! ” Which she does, sort of. In a PG-rated, covered-up TV way. I’m still not exactly clear on whether NeNe was actually ever employed as an exotic dancer, but she takes to the pole like Diablo Cody to annoying dialogue. NeNe has several key moves down and isn’t even fazed when her nipple makes an unscheduled appearance for much of the performance. Mr NeNe is there snapping photos and interviews that she looked “stunning”, but he’s not fazed because “NeNe strips for me every night, and I strip for her.” When is Ed Hartwell gonna strip for me?!!
“Why does my left nipple feel cold?”
NeNe is very satisfied with the entire shoot, and not just because some customers were ogling her like they wanted a lap-dance. NeNe says she’s going to have a party to reveal the photos to all of Atlanta. Normally, I don’t like to spoil next week by watching the coming attractions, but since everyone basically behaved this week, let’s take a peek.
Mr NeNe tells NeNe her college-age son Bryson is too old to be living at Casa NeNe “without contributing”. Sheree thinks Lisa is copycatting her fashion line idea. Lisa says what fashion line? The bitch (S) has been working on hers for two years. NeNe dons a huge blonde wig for another insulting Kim-personation, to Kim’s non-amusement. Kandi plots to record Kim and make her sound good. Sheree blows off Lisa’s fashion show and says the F word.
Coming Soon: More Terrifyingly Huge White Titties
That’s it for me. The plantain latkes are ready and I don’t think I’m supposed to take this much medication on an empty stomach.