Real Housewives of Atlanta: Precious Pocketbook: Crunkytown

Hola Gasmii!

Tonight’s episode is so crammed with bad behavior let’s not waste any time and dive right in! And here’s a fun drinking game you may wanna try. Every time you hear the words “Independence Party” or “all about me”, do a shot. But be sure to select a designated TiVo operator because you are gonna get SO fucked up!

Cori‘s House. Cori has a spectacular brick mansion, questionable taste in BFF’s (Kim), and even more unfortunate taste in swimsuits, which we can plainly see as the two gals sun themselves next to Cori’s humongo pool. Kim appears to be walking just fine without crutches, but she does have concerns about her scars being exposed to sunlight. Not that she has to worry. There has to be plenty of shade under those huge knockers, barely contained in a green bikini. Kim complains that “my hair’s hot”, and wonders what NeNe does “with all that glue on her head”. Is NeNe’s hair not real this season? Or is this a classic case of projection from our favorite Wigger?

“Hey there, Jessica & Ashlee! Did y’all get enough baby oil?”

And Kim’s just getting started getting things off her chest, Gasmii. Kim says her married ex-lover Big Papa felt so terrible about her falling at the alter-ego photo party that he offered to send Kim and her hellspawn Ariana & Brielle to the Bahamas, all expenses paid, por supuesto. Then what does that lovable, allegedly technically separated sugar daddy do? “He flies out and surprises me.” And they spent a magical holiday frolicking in the surf, gambling and enjoying romantic dinners. Apparently, Big Papa still loves Kim and her girls. And I guess he can put up with Ariana & Brielle, too. Kim admits she loves him, too!

Kim interviews that “I was done with Big Papa– he really hurt me. And some things are just really hard to forgive and forget.” Maybe Kim’s about to tell us why they broke up in the first place! And… she’s not. But she’s having serious golddigger’s remorse about leaving him. He was SUCH a great provider and she has two growing girls– and daughters– and private school and colleges and husky designer duds are really expensive and without BP how’s she gonna finance the lavish lifestyle they’ve all become so nauseatingly accustomed to?! “Don’t sell yourself short,” Cori advises. But let’s face it: Kim has exactly two marketable assets and MILF porn can’t possibly pay well enough.

Kim tells Cori she’d never stay with BP “just for the money” but now that she’s thought about it… What’s an unemployable 29-year-old talentless pop starlet to do? “Let’s get in the pool. With a cigarette,” Kim says. She interviews that BP “still has my heart”. They had a three-year relationship and BP was in the midst of a divorce the entire time and he still hasn’t finalized it. “I’m not ashamed at all about dating a married man,” she declares. “It’s just a legal thing. It’s just a piece of paper.” She tells Cori she wants him to tell his wife “Here’s the deal– you can have whatever you want. I love Kim. Bye!” Kim says she wants a commitment from him (and a ring, natch).

“Hey Cori– if you get pregnant in the Bahamas, does it come out a citizen?”

“He can have anybody he wants. That’s the reality,” Kim muses. “As can I. [LOL] But the bottom line is, it’s called the X Factor. [In Kim's case, more like the XXX Factor] And I have that connection with him that supersedes all the arguments and all the stress and all the frustration that we have. [That last credit card statement must have been a real doozy].” Cori says BP is the love of Kim’s life. Kim agrees. She’ll give him another chance and that means more time to dump Mrs Papa. “I’ll just keep drinking,” Kim concludes, slugging back the ever-present Chardonnay. That Kim– what a catch!

Club 44. Sheree and bitchy ex-model pal Tania arrive at the deserted daytime nightspot to evaluate it as a possible venue for S’s long-awaited Independence Party. This celebration of her divorce from NFL star Bob Whitfield was the one that she hired Not-Gay Anthony to plan, but after he failed to come through with a helicopter to lower Sheree into the festivities, they got in a vicious, obscene verbal cat-fight (briefly shown tonight in FLASHBACK), Anthony was fired, and the party never happened. Until now…

Sheree tells Tania and the tatted-up Biker Chick Manager that the party will be an intimate affair consisting of 50-60 strictly female friends. I’m 100% certain this includes Dwight. S interviews that she’s “grown a lot and here I am… I feel like I’m on top of the world.” Most excitingly, there’s a stripper pole! “It’s about women, it’s about our independence, it’s about our being free,” Sheree interviews, promising to make all the girls take a turn on the pole. Starting with Tania, who Sheree pushes onto the stage for a quick, abortive pole demo. But don’t forget “it’s my party and I want to be the focus… it’s definitely all about me.” Book it, Biker Chick!

“Don’t try any of that cute-ass ex-model bullshit at my party, Boo. Because I WILL cut you.”

Third Space Theatre. Kandi & Lisa attend a rehearsal meeting with Sharon McGhee, the writer/director of The Pocketbook Monologues, the African-American answer to The Vagina Monologues, the Off-Broadway sensation that’s been empowering women and edging-up TV actresses’ resumes since 1996. In case you’re wondering, their owners do the talking, not the vaginas themselves. Which would be awesome. Sharon says when she cooked the show up, she knew she had to “walk a fine line”, because public discussions about female sexuality are “taboo” in the black community. I guess she’s never heard of a little rapper named Khia. Sharon, in full-on shtick mode gives them the intro: “I began to ask people about this triangle that separates their thighs, and elder women told me they call it their ‘pocketbook’. ” I’m a recap artist, not an ethnographer, but I find that usage very odd. It seems like it could lead to all kinds of confusion, such as one’s boyfriend leaving one’s bed to penetrate one’s Louis Vuitton bag (“Ooooh yeah! Hit that pocketbook REAL GOOD!”) or one’s children innocently poking their fingers into one’s snatch while looking for a piece of gum (“Want a Chiclet? They’re in Mommy’s pocketbook!”) Both situations would be deeply traumatic.

Lisa sums up the project more bluntly– it’s “a lot of women reciting these monologues about their twat.” Kandi interviews that it’s “for a good charity… for women who’ve been through abusive relationships”. Forcing men to sit through this show definitely sounds like pussy-power payback.

Lisa gets “A Closed Pocketbook”. “She gets no action,” Lisa cracks, getting up onstage to rehearse. Lisa interviews that she was “a little intimidated… I’ve never performed onstage by myself.” Lisa tries out her piece, which is by a woman who falls in love with an incarcerated man through his letters. Sharon tells Lisa to slow down. Lisa interviews that she disagreed with the note, “but she’s the director so I gave her her way.” Kandi interviews that she memorized hers before rehearsal, and is also nervous “because I haven’t used my acting chops in years!” That’s not true– she gave a great performance at the alter-ego photo shoot! Kandi tells us she’s always been interested in acting, and even specialized in drama at her performing arts high school. She made a decision to go with whatever came first, acting or singing, and singing won out when her group got a record deal when she was in 11th grade. Imagine how much NeNe hated hearing this!

Kandi has one about a prostitute with AIDS whose troubles began at age 6 with a pedophile stepfather. Kandi is– you guessed it– BRILLIANT. She says having a 6-year-old daughter made it easy for her to go there. The cast applauds vigorously and Sharon says she was moved to tears. Lisa’s interview-reaction: “Why didn’t they give ME anything like that?!” Um, cuz you would have sucked. Sharon’s only direction is for Kandi to duplicate the performance on Saturday night. Fist-bump!

“I already came up with a title. Fuck You, Kim: The NeNe Leakes Story.”

NeNe’s tract mansion. NeNe welcomes her ghost writer co-author Denene Millner. NeNe interviews that she’s “gotten a really great book deal from one of the larger publishing houses”. All I can say is it’s a good thing Kandi wasn’t in Season One or there might’ve been a different name on that contract. Denene says she’s written an outline and that they’ll talk through the chapters with NeNe providing lots of “juicy” details. Then Denene will go off and write the book. NeNe tells her she was “born in Europe” but raised in Athens, GA, home of my fave junior high band, The B-52′s. NeNe wants to take Denene there and show her the neighborhoods where she played as a little girl. Denene asks if there will be a parade to celebrate NeNe’s homecoming. NeNe: Probably. NeNe wants to talk about her father, which is “a sensitive area for me”. Denene wants to know why. NeNe says the man she thought was her father, isn’t. Even though “he wasn’t a great dad”, NeNe always loved him. “Oooh baby! That’s a whole plate of neck-bones,” Denene says, adding that not only will discussing all this be therapeutic for NeNe, it will be “like medicine” for her readers.

NeNe promises to be “juicy”, since there’s nothing she hates more than a book “going boring” on her. Denene says with NeNe’s strong voice, that won’t be a problem. NeNe says she wants “a #1 bestseller– now write the damn book!”

Portrait studio. Sheree takes a meeting with gnome-like portrait artist Rossin and his business partner, wacky red-head Southern lady Karen. Sheree met Karen at “an art gallery opening”. Sheree interviews that “Rossin does a lot of politicians as well the elite.” He shows her into the studio, where sure enough, there are big pictures of George Washington and Abe Lincoln. I’m sure Sheree was thinking more Barack Obama, or at least Condoleezza Rice. He HAS worked with George Bush, Jackie Onassis and Britney Spears. Anyone who’s not dead or brain-dead? Rossin says his goal is “to actually experience the individual like never before.” Sheree looks around and says Rossin has “a God-given talent”. What size portrait was Sheree thinking? “Super-size!” she of course chirps. Sheree’s plan is to unveil this massive work of art at her Independence Party, just in case her 50 closest friends didn’t get the memo that it was all about her.

”

“Yes, that’s it… you’re radiant.. you’re a tigress! You’ve got genital herpes and YOU’RE LIVING WITH IT!”

Sheree interviews that “this is a moment in time where I kind of just wanna freeze, remember, and look back on it 20 years from now… and capture how happy I was. This is my new beginning.” But some things never change, Gasmii, so Sheree immediately gets difficult. She pulls out the clothing choices she brought, and when Rossin selects the green one he thinks will work best, she wants the purple one. So why’d you bring the green one, bitch!?!? Karen, who’s obviously the resident twat-wrangler, smooths things over with Rossin. Sheree will wear the strapless green top, which means she’ll essentially look naked except for a “diamond solitaire” necklace. Fine, whatever.

Picture time. Sheree poses on a chair while Rossin tells her to “get rid of every concern and just be you!” Sheree interviews that she could feel him looking deep into her soul. He’s not recoiling in horror and shrieking foreign-language curse words, so I doubt it. He tells her she is “the Nefertiti of the 21st century”, which I’m sure only confused poor Sheree. I’m an Olive Garden entree?! WTF? The hilarity continues as Rossin purrs “I see nothing sentimental, nothing superficial about your presence!” Wow, do you not know Sheree. Sheree is surprised they finish so quickly. Rossin: It is a rare opportunity to paint a queen! HAHAHAHA.

Kim’s townhouse. Kim is having her own personal jewelry show in the privacy of her own home. “Now that I have Papa back in my life, I don’t have to be as tight with my budget. And I like to treat myself every now and again,” she interviews with a straight face. Or maybe the Botox and pink duck-lips make her physically incapable of laughter. Jewelleress Rita, who Kim met at DeShawn‘s “Diamond Gala” last season, shows Kim a variety of obscenely priced trinkets. “This is a conversation piece,” Rita says of one chunk-of-ice amulet. “I’m a conversation piece,” is Kim’s snappy retort. No argument from me. Kim thinks another, more elaborate necklace is “really cool”. For 19 grand, it better be able transform her into a Saturday morning super-heroine. As hapless assistant Myleik looks on, Kim dismisses a $10,000 one as “not enough for me– I need oompf.”

“I am SO asking that bitch for a raise.”

A 17-carat amethyst ring is only $3K, but Kim still likes it, because it’s “big, gaudy and ornate”, Kim’s jewelry-buying mantra. Sold! But the fun’s not over. “$32,000 for a gold necklace isn’t really ALL that expensive,” Kim interviews. “I mean, it’s pricey. But if I love it and I want it, I’m buying it.” Well, Big Papa is. “This is red carpet material,” Rita says. “I wear this shit to the grocery store,” Kim scoffs. Then you deserve to be pistol-whipped by Atlanta‘s scariest muggers. Seriously– can this get any more disgusting? “Oh, my God, I’m good-lookin,” Kim rasps to the mirror. So that would be yes. Kim comes to her senses, such as they are, and will only take the ring. But her birthday’s coming up (she actually expects us to believe she’s turning 30), so Myleik snaps a phone-pic of Kim in the 32K number so Kim can show it to Big Papa right before he cums in her face.

Portrait studio. Sheree interviews that she’s halfway through the portrait process and Rossin “axed me to come sit for him, so I brought my mom. I’m her baby, so she can see something I’m not able to see.” So can all of us, honey. Rossin says he’s about to unveil “the painting-in-progress”, which he “just started”. He’s one of those photographers who calls his photos paintings. With all the retouching Sheree will demand, it’s actually quite accurate. He whisks the drape off and displays it. We don’t get to see it right away, but that’s okay since we’re much more interested in Sheree’s reaction. “I was thrown back,” she interviews, awed at seeing her head the actual size she acts like it is. Her mom is appropriately worshipful– “It’s beautiful already! It captures your innocence… your youth, the brightness of your eyes, the hope in your eyes, the desire to accomplish all the things you want…” Rossin ought to put this lady in charge of website copy.

Mom is rewarded with a glass of champagne and the privilege of watching Sheree sit while Rossin works on the photo, I mean painting. Sheree says nice things about being close to her mom and how supportive-without-meddling she’s been through the divorce. “By the time of my Independence Party, Rossin will have captured my entire being,” Sheree modestly predicts. She tells Karen that Rossin will be the only man allowed at the party, where he will perform the exalted duties of revealing the masterpiece to a gaggle of drunken, resentful bitches.

Kim prepares to put on her make-up.

Ferst Center for the Arts. It’s Vagina Time! Quick cuts show us audience members arriving at the theatre. They include delish dark dreamboat Ed, carrying roses, and Catty Gay Dwight, who sashays in without so much as a Summer’s Eve gift basket for our ladies. Shame on him! The show starts and isn’t it strange neither NeNe, Kim nor Sheree could be bothered to attend? NeNe’s always babbling about helping abused women and her jealousy of Kandi prevents her from catching supposed good pal and neighbor Lisa’s local stage debut? And Kim! Maybe this was the week she was sunning her coconuts in the Bahamas. Was Sheree offended they didn’t ask HER to do it? Clearly putting Sheree in a show about African-American vaginas was just too redundant.

Director Sharon welcomes the packed house by explaining the whole Old Black Women/Pocketbook thing. Cut to Kandi nervously prepping backstage. She interviews that she’s worried she might not be able to cry on cue. I have faith in her, don’t you? Onstage, some sixtyish diva is doing the monologue about opening your pocketbook too frequently and too readily. I think the Christian teen abstinence movement should adopt this metaphor. It’s cute. And when they finally give in to nature after an evening of Smirnoff Ice and Extra-Strength Vicodin they can send their peers a Tweet saying “I just got my pocketbook snatched!” (Speaking of twisted Purity teens, I must recommend an absolutely amazing movie called Teeth, a brilliant satire of teen flicks and a wicked critique of adolescent sexual panic. If you like Heathers and Election and Saved, rent it!)

Kandi interviews that she has a lot of people in the audience: Sourpuss Mom, fiance AJ, Aunt Norah, Uncle Ralph, and Dwight. She says this is the first time her mother and AJ are spending time together without Kandi as a buffer, and sure enough, they are seated next to each other. An evening of pussy talk sounds like the perfect bonding experience for the troubled twosome, doesn’t it? Cut to another sassy senior performer discussing kegel exercises. “I sat in my chair and SQUEEZED from the inside!” she squawks as the crowd roars in scandalized delight. I’m thinking of mounting a Latina version of this production called Concha Gigante!

“The next time I see a stage show about vaginas, it better include a lap-dance option.”

It’s time for Lisa’s monologue. She’s also fretting backstage about appearing in front of the full house and especially Ed. Not to worry… Ed’s very familiar with your pocketbook. In fact, he’s tired of it and secretly wants some PR lovin’. Because when you go Rican, you gonna be freakin’! Please excuse that inappropriate digression. Lisa comes on in a foxy black dress not from her clothing line and does a serviceable job for a non-actress. Ed gives her a standing ovation. Lisa interviews that she did way better than she expected.

Things take a more somber tone as Sharon introduces Kandi’s piece: “I have discovered a secret in our community and it leaves a wound that sometimes never heals…” Kandi takes the stage, and there’s a potential tech nighmare! The battery pack for her microphone falls off her and hits the floor. “I can’t let this throw me out of character,” Kandi tells us. She takes off her shoes, scoops up the battery and starts her monologue: “I was 6 years old when my mother told me all about my new father. One night, he came into my room… and he touched me.” Intercut shots of Sourpuss, AJ and Dwight riveted by Kandi’s stellar performance as a hardened street hooker who finds out she has HIV when she goes in for a routine abortion. “All them tricks that wanna li’l piece of this? They just gettin a little more than what they paid for… like I said, I just don’t give a fuck.”

“GIRRRRL!!! After tonight, I will NEVER think about my vagina the same way again.”

The way this episode’s edited, it seems like Kandi closed the show. The audience is blown away. There’s a curtain call and Ed gives Lisa her flowers. Backstage Kandi tells us she thinks she “did a good job… I’ll know when it’s over and everybody tells me,” she laughs, the epitome of humility and grace. I totally have a girl-crush on Kandi. And so does Dwight. At the after-party, he lavishes her with praise: “You did a fabulous job!” By this point in Season Two Dwight knows who the break-out Housewife is and pledges his allegiance directly: “The more I’m around you, the more I’m with you, the more I fall in love with you.” NeNe who now?! Kandi’s aunt gives her a hug and, shockingly, Sourpuss Mom is all smiles: “I thought she did a great job… I was very proud of her!” AJ, in his signature narcoleptic style, agrees. Ed compliments Lisa, who tells Dwight he needs to do a monologue. Dwight agrees and says something I didn’t quite catch, but it sounded like elder African-American gays might refer to their anuses as tubas. You tell me.

Throwaway Minute du Jour: Yay, it’s Kim! What goes on at Kim’s house at midnight? Kim enjoys some white wine. Potato-shaped moppet Ariana has gotten into Kim’s lipstick, but Kim says no perfume. And no cupcakes. Wow, Kim is actually parenting. Way to go! Ariana doesn’t like being told no, so she throws a mock mini-hissy and whines “Why do you HATE me?” Kim can’t handle this and mock-hysterically calls for her nanny Tiana. Scariana hasn’t put the cupcakes away, so Kim figures “fuck it” and hands one over to the tubby tot, getting goopy white icing on her manicure. Kim offers Tiana a cupcake. Tiana declines and literally drags Ariana and her snack upstairs, to Kim’s immense campy relief. Kids– can’t enforce healthy eating habits, can’t drive ‘em into a lake.

“What? No French fries on the side?! What is this, Ethipoia??!”

Kandi’s pool. Kandi & Lisa chill out in the sunshine. Lisa praises Kandi’s monologue and her pool. Kandi says she bought the house when she was 19 and has been remodeling it piece by piece, including adding her guest house/recording studio. Kandi says she’s kind of tired of it all by now and is ready to move. Kandi fills Lisa in on the “Don’t Be Tardy to the Party”situation: Kim asked Kandi to re-write and produce the song for Kim to sing. Kandi’s happy for it to be all about Kim. But, Lisa asks, has Kandi told NeNe that Kim decided to cut her from the project? Kandi says NeNe’s been flip-flopping about singing on the record, which started out as a corny country demo sung by Kim’s daughter’s guitar teacher. But when NeNe heard the kick-ass new pop version at the alter-ego party, she was very impressed and excited to participate. FLASHBACK to:

Alter Ego Photo Party, driveway. Wounded Kim, lounging in the back of her Range Rover, suckin on a ciggy, watches NeNe groovin to the beat, then saucily murmurs to Dwight that “we’ll have to see about” including NeNe on the record. Now Kandi is stuck with NeNe wanting to sing and Kim acting like a selfish evil pocketbook. Lisa wisely advises Kandi to stay the fuck out of it– just concentrate on producing and let Kim & NeNe hag it out between them. Kandi admits that she definitely doesn’t want to be “in the middle of craziness”. “It’s hard being in the middle of two strong personalities like Kim & NeNe,” Kandi interviews. She’s dreading the explosion that will almost surely take place when Kim tells NeNe she’s out.

Kandi changes the subject to Sheree’s Independence Party, which she and Kim both agree has been a long time coming. When Lisa mentions that Sheree’s divorce has been dragging out for three years and that it’ll be a relief for Sheree to have it finished, Kandi looks thoughtful and seems to be inwardly applying the situation to something in her own life. Or maybe it’s just the editing.

Perfect! Don’t touch a thing.

Bellogique Salon & Spa. Sheree has an appointment with her Hair Gay Lawrence, who resembles one of the Bald Black Biancas on America’s Next Top Model but way more feminine. Someone hoses Sheree’s hair down in the sink as she says she wants “a new look and a new attitude”. Lawrence says he can do the look, but Sheree should keep her old attitude. I agree. With Kim back in full-on spoiled whore mode, Kandi getting all the positive attention, and NeNe about to have a major shit-fit for being inexorably squeezed out of the show all season, Sheree will need to provide us with some classic She-Bitcheree to stay in the game.

Haircut time. Sheree’s wet hair has been combed over her face and she says she looks like Cousin It. Nice reference, babe! No, seriously. Who knew she had a whimsical pop culture bone in that “body of a hot 25-year-old” of hers. Lawrence gives her bangs and simple straight hair and it’s actually super-cute! Even better, really: “You look like a hot 18-year-old!” Lawrence squeals, doubling his tip. “Oooooh!” Sheree gurgles. Okay, I’m starting to quease out.

Club 44. The Independence Party is happening. Tonight. Finally. Thank Christ! Sheree has been yapping this up for what seems like 44 years. In keeping with her normal bait-and-switch mode, she should walk into the party and announce that she and Bob Whitfield are getting back together. You know what party I want to see? The one Bob had when HE finished signing his divorce papers. He probably had more sex that night than he did with Sheree their entire marriage. THAT was a party. Sadly, we’re stuck with this live-action shrine to our dear delusional diva. “With me planning this Independence Party, I’m going to go above and beyond. And I’m gonna make it fabulous.”

Abe Lincoln got the same cake when he signed the Emanicpation Proclamation.

She did order a boffo fancy layer cake in signature colors with a “break your bonds” theme. The Ed-testicle size chocolate ball with a gold chain and broken handcuff is an especially tasty-looking touch. At Sheree’s house, her make-up artist puts on S’s face. Her cute hair-cut now looks like a bad wig. Maybe it is a wig. There have been such a plethora of wigs this season, I really can’t tell anymore, and I’m starting to experience wig-paranoia. It’s like being in my Australian/Uruguayan underwear model Martin‘s neighborhood near the infamous Hollywood Celebrity Centre, where there’s so many Scientologists infesting the streets and businesses that you start seeing their dead, E-metered eyes on every person you encounter. And like I always say, the eyes are the nipples of the face.

Sheree isn’t done justifying defining her IP to us. In that top from last week that makes her tits look positively Kim-sized, she interviews that “having this party is about my strength, my confidence, everything I’ve gone through… and this is proof that I can pretty much sustain anything.” Well, you definitely can “sustain” a self-congratulatory party for an entire season of TV. And what exactly has she “gone through” that’s so heroic? She was married to an (alleged) asshole for a long time, had a couple of bizarrely named kids with him, then got a divorce with a “seven-figure” settlement. She’s a modern-day Harriet Tubman!

She kisses goodbyes to her kids Kairo & Kaleigh, who look like they could give a shit. Then we cut back to the party. Kim’s there in ripped jeans and on crutches. Kim interviews that she and Sheree had their issues, but they’re “headed in a good direction”. Kim is all for independence– “I’m independent!” Whatever, Kept Mistress! Kim adds that she has “a hairline fracture” and will be on crutches “for a while”. She doesn’t mention the impact this will have on her status as a Wigged American. Kandi, NeNe & Lisa arrive. Lawrence the hair stylist is there (thank God), in skintight pink jean-tights and red spike heels, so the girls-only mandate still hasn’t been broken.

If I were Kandi, I’d cover my eyes and throat, QUICK.

Sheree’s in the car, on the phone with Casey, her seamstress. Sheree wants to make sure Casey “sent the package” today. She says she did. Good answer. “I need to do a model fitting!” Sheree barks, the consummate fashion mogul. Cut to Kim whining “Where’s Sheree?! Why do you show up late to your own function?!” To make an entrance, of course. Which Sheree does in a floor-length orange gown, doling out air-kisses and lady-hugs to everyone.

Kim interviews that she hasn’t seen NeNe since the alter ego party and that Kim “hasn’t had a chance” to talk to her about the song. NeNe gets right to it and excitedly asks what the deal with the song is. “Be honest!” NeNe says, like she suspects what’s coming. Kim says this: “After I went in the studio with Kandi and did the song, it was really emotional for me, and I just think at this stage of the game, I wanna record it on mah own… and it means a lot to me, far deeper than a song.” NeNe says she has no problem with Kim doing it alone, BUT… “my opinion is, you can’t sell the song without me.” Kim: Why? NeNe: I just don’t! Cuz of who I am, my personality, everything that has to do with me… I think more people would buy the song if I was on the song. She’s right, Gasmii!

Poor Kandi has the misfortune of [the producers making sure she's] wandering by at this exact moment. NeNe greets her warmly, compliments Kandi’s work on “Tardy”, then Kim blurts that NeNe doesn’t think Kim can sell the song without her. Kandi says she thinks the song’s going great, it’s gonna be hot, and she’d love Kim & NeNe to be on the same page, but if not, Kandi thinks Kim can do a good job with it. NeNe turns on Kim and says now that Kandi has given Kim “a little boost”, Kim thinks she can pull it off sans NeNe. “I do wish you the best,” NeNe says in the same tone a person might say “I hope you rot in hell”, “but I’m telling you what it is and how it is!”

“Don’t look now, but I think you’re having a stroke.”

As we wait breathlessly for NeNe to grab Kim’s crutches and snatch her bald-headed, cut to Lisa & Sheree noticing the squabble from across the room. Hey! This night is ALL ABOUT SHEREE! What the fuck are those wack-ass bitches doing stealing Sheree’s spotlight?!?!

Meanwhile, the argument is escalating. Kim tries to minimize her betrayal (“It’s just a song!”) but NeNe won’t let her off the hook: “You tryin to make everybody feel like you so great and innocent, but we know da deal!” “I know who I am,” Kim says weakly, probably worried NeNe may shove crutch right up her keister. “Yeeessss,” NeNe says, dripping with condescension, “and I know who you are, too.” Just as Sheree & Lisa walk up (Lisa yelling “HI, NEEEE-NEEEE!” like she’s trying to distract a tantruming three-year-old), Kandi asks why Kim & NeNe are even arguing, since neither one of them seem to want NeNe on the song. NeNe tells Kandi she’s not saying she wants to be on the song, she just wants to point out Kim’s back-stabbing. With Sheree & Lisa there, NeNe abruptly shuts it off, and tells Kim with exaggerated nasty sweetness “Have a good night. We wish you all the best on the song. We’re all gonna buy it. Thank you!”

“You’re just evil, NeNe,” Kim whines, the crutches helping her get into full-on victim mode. “You’re evil!” NeNe snaps back. “You wanna try to put on a front for these people here… we know how much you LIIIIEEE!” “Y’all are ridiculous,” Kim pouts, hobbling off to re-glaze her duck-bill.

Ex-model, current bitch

It’s really too bad that NeNe’s acting like such a nightmare here because she does have a point. What Kim did is rotten, or as NeNe interviews, “Kim is like a dirty person! Who does that? Who tells someone all along I want you

to do this, are you gonna do it, I’m down with you, I got your back, and then when you get where you need to go, you’re like fuck you!?” Tania decides to try to take control and yells in her most imperious ex-model voice “Can we focus on Sheree?!!!? This is her party, this is her time!” Sheree takes the mic and thanks everyone for coming, then calls out NeNe and Kandi (what’d she do? WTF!) and tells them tonight’s not the time for “anything negative”. “This is about being positive and uplifting women… this is my day so whatever’s goin on, y’all takin away a l’il bit o’my shine, and I don’t appreciate it!” She says this kind of campy and ghetto, and everyone laughs, including the offenders, so Sheree can continue telling everyone how much she loves them.

“Okay, you can get off your knees now.”

Kandi interviews that she “was really tryin to have a good time, but I could not get Kim’s fight with NeNe outta my head. I didn’t understand why NeNe was so upset about a song.” Cut back to Sheree, who directs everyone’s attention to “a little surprise”, which of course is a huge 7 x 7 foot square shrouded in red. She introduces Rossin, “a portrait artist who does amazing, amazing work” and says that tonight she’ll be seeing the finished portrait for the first time. He says they’re about to see someone who’s “special in so many, many ways” and invites the assembled guests to look into Sheree’s eyes. I’d rather look into those weird anus-shaped creases in her armpits, but this picture sadly ends at her creamy airbrushed shoulders.

With the help of another grown man, they whip off the red sheet and the crowd screams. It’s a 5 x 5 foot headshot (on a display stand) of Sheree that could easily be on the side of a bus in a pharmaceutical ad for some remedy that staves off osteoporosis or bi-polarism. The party guests hoot and applaud lustily, for the most part. Lisa, Kandi & NeNe look politely appalled. “Is she gonna hang that in her house?” NeNe interview-squawks in disbelief. In the club, NeNe comes up with “It looks very real.” Luckily, she doesn’t have to elaborate because Hair Gay Lawrence has a “special gift” for Sheree, “Miss Jasmine Bonet”, who turns out to be a naked tranny with currency plastered strategically on her body. She’s onstage with the pole and performs some act that’s so raunchy we only get to see about six seconds of it. Sheree likes it, and isn’t threatened– her dick is much bigger than Miss Bonet’s.

“That Tyler Perry…

“… is A SCREAM!”

They cut the cake and we cut to Lisa consoling Kandi about being stuck in the middle of NeNe & Kim. Lisa says the two have loads of dysfunctional history between them, but Kandi’s baffled by this brouhaha. NeNe and Kim seem to be on the same page– Kim doesn’t want NeNe on the record and NeNe doesn’t want to be on it. So why the damn drama? Lisa says she never heard NeNe say she didn’t want to participate, just in time for NeNe to come over and confirm that “I DON’T wanna work with Kim… you dealin with a LIAR, and that’s what you gonna have to learn.” “It’s a damn song,” Kandi says bluntly. “It’s fucked up when you [make like you wanna] work with somebody and they talk about you behind your back,” NeNe tells her. “That’s really what’s fucked up!”

Kandi has had enough. “That’s life,” she tells NeNe. “It’s just like the stuff I heard you said behind my back, but I don’t care.” Uh-oh. “I’m free for you to come talk to, because I don’t talk about you,” NeNe shouts. “I don’t even know you. I don’t spend my time talkin about you.” Uh, yes, actually you do, NeNe. But NeNe’s not done schooling our scrappy, talented, lovable Lady Miss K: “I don’t know your family, your friends, your hang-out buddies, nunna dat! So if someone said I talk about you, you should come and ask me first before you start makin and formin an opinion!” “You get all hyped and crunk about it, I could give a damn!” Kandi retorts. “I don’t get crunk about it cuz if I have something to say to you, I say it to your face!” NeNe screams.

Kandi holds her ground and says “We can calm it down and have a real conversation like two women–” NeNe yells louder, getting in Kandi’s face: “We ARE havin a real conversation like two women, I can tell you right now…” “Exactly,” Kandi shouts, “but we can bring it on down.. WE CAN BRING IT ON DOWN,” she says, enunciating each word threateningly, before walking away from babbling NeNe, with “Know what? I’m gonna STOP TALKIN to you right now before I get blowin up on yo ass!” “You do what you gotta do!” NeNe fires back. “Know what? I’m gone!” says Kandi, getting the hell away from there as Lisa holds NeNe back.

R.I.P., Kandi’s Last Nerve

“NeNe knows how to push people’s buttons, especially mine,” Kandi interviews. “She was goin on about nuthin. Nuthin!” Kandi leaves the party for the sanctity of a back room, while a BBBW friend of NeNe’s tells NeNe, “You are writin a book!” like that means NeNe wins. “That ain’t even in my personality!” Kandi vents to a friend, who suggests they get a drink. “I don’t even drink,” Kandi admits, like she wants to start right this minute. “This argument between me and Kandi was bound to happen,” NeNe interviews. “She’s always like lookin at me strange, or if I’m sayin somethin she tries to get smart… you know, like a damn country bumpkin. She doesn’t even know me!” These words could have been spoken verbatim in a principal’s office by a petulant 5th grader who just got banned from recess.

Tania gets in on the interviewing, remarking that “This party was supposed to be about SHEREE. This was her moment to shine. I don’t know what happened with NeNe. There was no need for it to happen.” Sheree interview-concurs in her big-bazooms top, but tells us she was able to “tune out the negativity” and that the party was amazing and yes you guessed it “ALL ABOUT ME”! How’s that drinking game treating you, Gasmii? Sheree shows how over it she is by getting up onstage and slutting around the pole. The End!

Next week: Sheree goes to New York for a surprise samples inspection for She by Sheree and– shocker!– hates them, NeNe calls Kim a “dirty low-down monkey with a wig on”, Kandi and Kim have a birthday party and Big Papa has a “big surprise” for Kim. Here’s hoping it’s genital warts!

C U Next Thursday, Gasmii!

LLB