Real Housewives of Atlanta: Better Tardy Than Never: Bigamy Thy Name Is Poppa

Hey Hey Gasmii!

The hot topic of the season has turned out to be how much of a twat NeNe has become, and if she has any right to be miffed that gold-diggity Wigger Kim yanked back her offer to let NeNe record with her on “Tardy For the Party”, the tasty pop confection Kandi spun from the groanable country demo Kim’s obnoxious daughter Brielle‘s elderly guitar teacher gave to Kim last year in the hopes she’d include it on her much-hyped, ill-fated debut CD that super-producer Dallas Austin had been conned into doing by Kim’s married sugar daddy Big Poppa.

To very briefly summarize, YES the song would have a lot more appeal to Real Housewives fans the more Housewives participated in it. And YES, Kim is a huge bitch for kicking NeNe off the project the second Kim realized Kandi and her creative team could make Kim’s voice sound the slightest bit decent. But YES, NeNe has been an out-of-control wack-ass cunt this entire season as far as Kim’s concerned, so YES she’s getting what’s coming to her.

Let’s see what happens next!!!

Aja Restaurant. Kim and long-suffering Personal Assistant Myleik meet Party Planner Dayanna and “Event Designer” Rona for wine and nibblies to discuss Kim’s upcoming birthday bash. Since Kandi’s b-day is only two days away from Kim’s, Kim wants to celebrate them both together. “We have a lot of the same friends in the music industry,” Kim interview-lies, explaining that she also wants to thank Kandi for her brilliant work on “Tardy”. The party gals ask how many guests Kim has in mind, and Myleik quickly says Kim mentioned “500″ earlier today. Maybe Kim was talking about her SAT score. Kim is slightly embarrassed, and says that between her and Kandi, a total of 200 should be about right to start with.

“I want it real upscale. Make sure the strippers shave their balls.”

What about the hors d’oeuvres, Kim asks them. “I don’t want some cheap-ass food,” Kim clarifies, like “mini-burgers” or “cheesy crackers”. She’s thinking more tuna tartare, and no bad wine or cheap liquor, which is a huge pet peeve of Kim’s. Everything has to be “glam, beautiful and upscale”… “the very best of the best of the best!” Kim says she doesn’t want a VIP area– “everybody I know is VIP, so fuck it, no”. She says her guests will be the people who’ve stuck by her through thick and thin, balding and bewigged. “I have no tolerance for arguments, fights, drama, chaos– out the door!” Kim declares, interviewing that NeNe is NOT invited. Unlike Sheree, Kim says she doesn’t put people on a list and then bar them from entry. “Kandi agreed, end of story.” Right. I’m sure that’s the last we’ll hear on the subject.

Kim says she’s going for “the wow factor” and suggests debuting her new song at the party as a super-special surprise. Kim anticipates the reaction– “The bitch can sing!” More likely: “The singer’s a bitch!”

Kandi’s Home Studio. Kandi & fiance AJ unpack lots of gold and platinum records (including Alicia Keys, Whitney Houston, N Sync and Pink) which she had to re-order after the originals were stolen during a party she let her friend have. Kandi interviews that she’s excited about her upcoming solo album– even though she makes a great living as a songwriter, she’s always loved singing and is “addicted to the lights”. Kandi says AJ is very supportive of her career. He manages artists and producers, so he understands the business, but Kandi admits she wonders how he’ll react when her singing career takes off again.

Don’t you hate ashy vagina?

NeNe’s tract mansion. Lisa drops in and NeNe shows her where she and Gregg (Mr NeNe) are thinking of “dropping a pool” in the backyard. NeNe says she’s been thinking about what happened last night at Sheree’s Independence Party. NeNe describes what occurred as “the stupidest thang ever” and says “it was just too much for me”– she was “really trippin out!” FLASHCUT to NeNe squabbling with Kim and calling each other “evil”. NeNe rehashes to Lisa Kim’s betrayal: as soon as Kim saw what Kandi could do with Kim’s vocals and the song, Kim kicked NeNe off the record. Lisa wants to know how Kandi ended up on NeNe’s shitlist. NeNe attempts to explain: “I was thrown off by that… every time I’m around her… she looks at me funny, she doesn’t really seem like she like me!” Lisa opines that Kim may have bent Kandi’s ear, to which NeNe replies that it’s wrong for “another woman” to poison you against someone– “you need to find out for yourself!”

Lisa interviews that she hated being put between NeNe & Kandi and that Lisa refuses to choose sides– “I like ‘em both.” NeNe says “a lot of weak women” are really “bothered” by NeNe. “I have a big personality and I’m not interested in being her friend anyway!” NeNe says she knows Kandi & Kim are co-hosting a party, which NeNe has no desire to attend. NeNe asks if Lisa is going and Lisa says no– Lisa hates that Kandi “decided to partner with Kim”, so Lisa’s boycotting the bash! “That Kim… that’s a dirty low-down monkey with a wig on!” NeNe says. “I can’t stand it!” Lisa laughs uproariously at this description, which, let’s face it, is the best line of this entire series. Ever.

But Lisa thinks NeNe still cares about Kim. No way, NeNe squawks. “Kim is a monster!” Lisa says NeNe has a soft heart and has feelings for “that monster”, but NeNe protests that she has “no feelings for someone who’s willing to use you for what you’re good for and then throw you away when they’re tired of you.” Lisa claims to be surprised at Kim’s behavior, which Lisa and NeNe agree came “out of the blue”.

Oh, yes, she did, actually.

Sheree’s tract mansion. Dwight drops by for a visit and admires Sheree’s “big-balled” chandelier, which is outrageous because he’s a cock-crazed horny gay. He interviews that he’s “not surprised Sheree would come to me for help with her fashion show. I don’t think she had many options. Look what happened last year, and for surely, she did not want that to happen again.” For surely! Sheree tells Dwight what she’s got planned. She’s booked The W Perimeter, to which Dwight clucks “Oooh, that’s far.” Onstage, Sheree wants her logo and tons of flowers. She says the runway is black. Dwight thinks black “skirting” is okay, but the runway itself should be white. What about hair? Sheree says all the models will have ponytails. Dwight objects. Well then how about “Sheree hair”, long and straight? Oh, no. Dwight thinks “long, loose hair” is distracting and that the focus should be entirely on the fashions.

Dwight interviews that he’s aghast Sheree would fight him on hair– “Hair is my specialty! If I’m not involved in this fashion show from here on out, it’s gonna be another fashion show without fashion. A nightmare. A disaster. It’s going to be awful!” Dwight suggests instead of an open bar, they offer a She by Sheree “signature cocktail”. Sheree interviews that she’s aghast Dwight is disagreeing with her on every detail– this is ALL ABOUT SHEREE, and guess who will be making the final decisions. They do agree on one thing– Lisa made many mistakes at her fashion show. Sheree interviews that the consensus she heard was that Lisa’s show was “very amateur”. Sheree’s will be “first-class” all the way.

Dwight says he will handle the printed invitations, then interviews that “it is quite obvious that Sheree needs my help. Anybody can design a line, but to produce it and show it, it takes a whoooole lot more, that she doesn’t have.” Dwight tells Sheree that he’s there for her– “Use me, just don’t abuse me!” Sheree interviews that she’s going to NYC to check on the line’s progress and that she’s glad Dwight has offered to help. Dwight excuses himself to flit off and try to take over the show. Sheree breathes a loud sigh of relief as she shuts the door behind him.

Say “cheese” “nightmare”!

Twist Tapas & Sushi Bar. Kandi & AJ have lunch. Kandi says she’s performing on Monday at Tongue & Groove, a venue she likes except for the small stage. Kandi interviews that doing promotional performances is the first step toward getting a record deal for her solo project. Suddenly Sheree pops up in her bangs to interview that “when the woman is more successful” in a relationship, “it can cause big problems.” How she knows this is anyone’s guess. Maybe she caught a marathon of that Whitney/Bobby Brown reality show. Kandi admits to AJ that she’s “scared” about performing– it’s been a long time and if she screws up, “they’re gonna roast me!” And if you don’t screw up, Sheree and NeNe will roast you, which will be much more fun for everyone, including us. AJ mumbles something supportive as Kandi interviews that “Atlanta‘s a very critical city”– she doesn’t want to look like a “hot mess”. Kandi says she has a ton to do, including dealing with Kim and “Tardy” as well as her own rehearsals. But as AJ advises, Kandi will channel her nervous energy into making everything perfect: Let your hatas be your motivatas!

Kandi’s Home Studio. Kim interviews that she’s now officially back with Big Poppa and we almost get a glimpse of him dropping her off at Kandi’s through the tinted windows of his Bentley. Kim tells us she’s done a lot of “soul-searching” (I can’t imagine she found anything other big bags of saline) and has decided to give Poppa “a second chance”. She goes into the home studio and chats with Kandi and co-producer Don Vito, who says Poppa is “really nice and considerate”. That’s one way to put it! Kandi interviews that, judging from what Kim’s told her, it’s no surprise Kim & Poppa have swung into the “On-Again” phase of the pendulum. Kim tells Don & Kandi that Poppa has a “very big surprise for me tomorrow night at my birthday party”. Does this also mean he’s going to show his face on camera?! I mean, none of us viewers are going to let him titty-fuck us at the end of the night, granted, but it would still be a nice gesture.

Kim goes into the booth. She’s barefoot and has her jeans rolled up to her knees, like she’s expecting a flash flood. Kandi interviews that last time Kim was in the studio “she was able to get the hook done”. Now it’s time for the verses, which, being a lot longer than six words, may require a bit more audio wizardry. Kandi lays down a scratch track for Kim to try to sing to: “We own the club and we own the night/And I am not leaving till I see daylight!” Kandi sounds awesome. Kim sounds… like Kim. Don tells Kim to focus on matching Kandi’s rythm. He can get Kim’s voice on-key electronically. Kandi tells Kim to give it some attitude, to think about their upcoming party. “It’s gone be a relief, bitch– come on now!” Kim squawks in mild ebonics.

“For my next record, I’m gettin a wig with the headphones built in!”

Kim tries it several times, displaying no discernible musical ability. Kandi tells her to watch her pitch on certain words, which is a lot like asking your dog what his favorite Kylie Minogue single is. Kandi interviews with adorable diplomacy “Sometimes Kim understood what I was telling her to do, and sometimes she didn’t.” Kandi generously excuses Kim’s cluelessness because it’s been so long since Kim’s recorded. Kim gets a bit flustered and has trouble reading the lyrics correctly, much less singing them. Kandi suggests when Kim has to sing a high note she look up. “This is a lot of work,” Kim drawls. No shit, you spoiled human cartoon!

Finally, god knows how many hours later, Kim finishes to Kandi’s satisfaction. Kim says now Kandi & Don will “mix it and make it really, really perfect.” When the spinning wheel’s free, I have a haystack that I’d love them to whip into a pile of gold bars. Kim relaxes on the couch and tells Kandi that NeNe asked about recording with her “last night” at Sheree’s party. Kandi reminds Kim that Kandi walked in on the conversation. Kim says NeNe told Kim she needed NeNe to “sell an album”. Kandi says she doesn’t get why Kim allows NeNe “to talk crazy” to her like that. Kim says she’s been dealing with NeNe’s “bullshit for so many years”. Kandi says after Kim left, NeNe and Kandi “got into it”, which Kandi didn’t mean to happen. FLASHCUT NeNe yelling that if NeNe has anything to say to Kandi, NeNe will say it to Kandi’s face. Kandi exploded and told NeNe to “BRING IT ON DOWN” before Kandi blew up on her ass.

Kandi tells Kim “I cannot take when a person is in your face and raisin their voice and all this hand-motion… I cannot take that.” Kandi says she still doesn’t understand what the argument was even about. Kim interviews that she’s “sooo glad” she didn’t record with NeNe, who would have “brought her all her drama into the studio”. Kim adds that even if she doesn’t sell one copy, “the experience was life-changing for me”. Kandi and Kim are both excited about debuting the song at the party. Kandi interviews that she thinks “people will be totally shocked when they hear this song, because everybody’s kinda just dogged [Kim] out, but you just have to have that confidence in yourself, and the right people in the studio to hook the record up for you, and boom, you could be number one!” Kandi laughs winningly. She never comes off as boastful or obnoxious, and her self-deprecating brand of confidence is so completely unique in the Housewives franchise it’s really amazing– and adorable.

“And I thought those TLC bitches were nuts!”

Kim interviews that Kandi’s become a great friend, the exact opposite of NeNe, who did nothing but tear Kim down about her singing. Kandi just builds her up up up! Cuz that’s what friends are for! Oh, Kimmy. Kim will definitely be at Kandi’s performance at Tongue & Groove. They hug goodbye and Kim thanks Kandi and says “you make it so much fun for me it’s retarded!” Can’t argue with that!

Sheree’s tract mansion. Ex-model BFF Tania arrives to accompany Sheree to New York. Sheree is giddy about the trip: “I’m trying to do so much at one time it’s like everything is like coming at once… the samples has to be perfect!” Yes, they definitely has to be, or there gone be hell ta pay! Sheree interviews that she made mistakes in the past, so she’s bringing Tania along for her expert ex-model fashion opinion. “I cannot have another catastrophe like I did with my viewing.” They get into the Town Car and head for the airport.

Marvelous Enterprises dance studio. Kandi arrives to rehearse for her show with back-up dancers (all girls, sadly for us) and choreographer Victor Jackson. “I haven’t performed in Atlanta for years, so I’m super-nervous!” Kandi tells us, going on to add that “dancing is not my best quality”. They work out the moves for Kandi’s anti-hata anthem “I’ll Fly Above”, and we really get the sense of how hard it is to remember a dance routine while singing your heart out. A dapper, cane-toting gentleman named Marvin McIntyre, “Artist Developer & Manager”, enters. Kandi explains that Marvin used to manage her and has always pushed her to be a performer as opposed to just an artist. Marvin stops the rehearsal and tells Kandi he wants to see it from the top, “all-out!” Uh, I thought he was her EX-manager. He tells the gals to tighten it up, deliver the sexy facial expressions, and sell it. They do. Marvin says “You’re back, but remember you you gotta be back ‘greater than’, not ‘equal to’… keep puttin the work in.” OK, will do. Kandi says Marvin’s clients have included Ciara, TLC, New Edition so “I can only respect what he tells me to do.” You better be good to our Kandi, or we will cut you, MM!

NYC. Sheree & Tania land and travel to their hotel. Sheree gives us her impression of the Big Apple: “I love New York. It’s a lot of energy there. Everybody seems to be going somewhere, doing something, they’re on their grind… Atlanta’s a lot slower.” Sheree interviews that this time around, she’s not trusting her samples to just anyone, so she’s working with Casey, “one of the best seamstresses in the New York Garment District.” Although with Sheree’s diction issues, it sounds more like “Gourmet District”.

“Pssst, Tania… as soon as she finishes this shit, I want her deported.”

Sheree & Tania meet with Casey, a small Asian woman. Hold onto your hair extensions, kids! The music gets tense right away as Casey shows Sheree the samples. In broken English, Casey says one of the designs is “how you say… with like a belt.” Is it supposed to be with a belt?– no, Sheree snaps. Item #2 is described as “with bungee”, to which Sheree replies, pained, “I didn’t know it was gonna be that much bungeee.” “Oh, you don’t like it?” Casey asks. “Uh-oh.” Exactly.

“The samples were not in the shape I expected them to be in, AT ALL,” Sheree interviews. Sheree thought the stretchy, “bungee” straps made things look “cheap”. “One particular dress, the draping wasn’t right.” To her credit, Sheree doesn’t have a meltdown. She just nit-picks through each sample, making “corrections”, which Casey submissively agrees to. Sheree interviews that while “not up to She by Sheree standards” (LOL) yet, “they will be”. Between Casey’s and Sheree’s mutual difficulty with English, I’m not sure that’s true. Casey promises to get “the real fabrics” ASAP, which pleases Sheree. As much as anything short of a 5 x 5 foot headshot CAN please the bitch.

Throwaway Minute du Jour: Kim’s townhouse. It’s the night of the party. Kim gets made up and gushes about how great the song is. She says her whore-oscope indicates she’ll be getting a gift “that will change my future” this weekend. Which could be a $250K engagement ring or herpes. You never know with astrology. Kim fishes for compliments about her white teeth. “That’s how you’re supposed to be,” the make-up artist coos. “Blonde with white teeth and shiny lips.” “And big kahunas!” Kim adds.

“Alright, who’s got the nipple rouge?”

Kim’s townhouse. Kim, squeezed into a shiny red dress that serves up her kahunas like two roasted suckling piglets, is escorted to her chauffered Rolls-Royce by her other piglets, daughters Ariana and Brielle. The kids point out the full moon, which means Kim is going to have a fabulous night. They think Big Poppa is going to ask Kim to marry him. Kim, clearly thinking the same thing, feigns fluster and assures the tots she’ll be reachable by cell all night. “See you at 4 AM,” Brielle cracks. “Or later,” Kim amends. Hussy.

The party’s at Aja. There’s Hollywood-premiere klieg lights and a squad of valets. We see various guests arrive, including Kandi’s Sourpuss Mom, Joyce and Sheree (!). The Rolls deposits Kim and BFF Cori. Kim and Sheree exchange hugs and Sheree gushes over Kim’s shoes. Kim explains via interview that since the alter-ego photo shoot, they’ve been “trying to bury the hatchet”, so Kim is thrilled to have her here tonight. Kim hugs Joyce and shows off “the surprise of my life”, a gigantic diamond ring. “Right before the party” Big Poppa proposed to her! How dare Bravo cheat us of that moment!?! Kim tells us that Big Poppa’s “had time to evaluate himself, his life, our relationship, and he realized he couldn’t live without me. Can’t blame him,” she saucily cracks.

Sheree interviews that Kim is running around showing off her ring and telling everyone she and Big Poppa are engaged. “Isn’t he married?” Sheree deadpans. Kandi arrives in a cute white shorts outfit and tells Kim she saw the ring yesterday– Big Poppa took her and AJ aside while Kim was recording and told them he was proposing. Kandi re-enacts the moment for Kim, doing a brief impression of Big Poppa that makes him sound Russian or Persian. I wanna see this cracka! Can someone please give me a link to a photo someplace?

“My WHAT fell off?!”

Kim stops the party to publicly thank Kandi for being such a great friend and sharing her birthday with her. Kandi interviews that she hasn’t known Kim very long, but that they’ve really connected. Then Don Vito announces the song, which they’ve been working on for “a month of Sundays”. They drag out original songwriter Ed, Brielle’s ancient guitar teacher, who looks pleasantly stunned, and then it starts. It’s a super-catchy dance track that succeeds brilliantly as pure pop junk food, especially when you consider what Kandi & Don had to work with. I just bought my iTunes copy and so should you! I predict it will be a strip club favorite long enough for Brielle to pole-dance to it on her 18th birthday.

Everyone loves the song and starts boogeying down, especially the tall goofy white guy with a faux-hawk. Kim’s boobs come perilously close to escaping as she shimmies on her spike heels, which have their own feather boas attached. Gays, you have this year’s Halloween costume! So get crackin! Sheree interviews that she also thinks the song will be a big hit: “I don’t know what Kandi did, what kinda tools she used, but she made Kim sound pretty good.” Kim interviews that “I’m so proud of myself. I finally got to show everybody that I CAN sing, and guess what, NeNe? I don’t need YOU to sell any records!” Uh, guess what, Kim? You CAN’T sing, not the least little bit. You provided the wig, the tits and the campy drama, but the “voice” is all Kandi, honey. But engaged or not, she wouldn’t be Kim without being delusional.

Kandi publicly thanks Kim for the party: “I’m so glad I have a newfound friend and a newfound sistah!” Kim grabs a cake knife– “Let’s cut that bitch and make our dream come true!”

1. Grab handle. 2. Yank down. 3. Enjoy!

Lisa & Ed‘s tract mansion. Finally, some Ed! He has a video camera and tapes Lisa sitting on the couch, explaining that he’s practicing for his new career in broadcasting. We get a nice shot of Ed’s delicious beefy butt as he tells her he spoke with his agent and wants to pursue this avenue. Lisa interviews that even though Ed hasn’t played football in two years, he’s been keeping physically fit (oh, we know) and helping out with her many real estate and clothing businesses. Ed says he’s not ruling out playing ball, but he could do sportscasting on the side and transition to it permanently after retirement.

Now he wants to interview Lisa. I think every time she gets a question wrong, he should remove an article of clothing. Ed & Lisa improvise a pseudo-televised chat about her martial arts skills, but I’m too busy enjoying all this rare Ed camera time to pay attention to any of it. Until Lisa says he needs a spanking, which brings me right back. Why can’t iTunes sell that as a download??!

Admit it– you’d crawl a mile over broken glass to masturbate in his shadow.

Tongue & Groove nightclub. Kandi’s backstage, prepping for her show. She tells her stylist Kwame she’s nervous about sounding “raspy” tonight. Lisa arrives with Ed and interviews surprise at such a huge turnout, since Kandi’s been off the scene for a while. Sheree interviews regret at being unable to make it, citing her fashion show as the reason. At least she didn’t say her daughter had a science fair. Lisa interviews that she noticed Kim was nowhere to be seen– “the fact that Kim could not come out to support her ‘friend’, who she tells everyone she loves… it’s low.” “Low”?!?? it’s Kim at her Kuntiest! Lisa scoffs that Kim must have come up with a crazy excuse, “like she caught some disease”. There WAS that herpes horoscope thing…. Hmmm.

It’s time to go on. Kandi sees how mobbed the audience is and interviews that being away from performing “for a minute” dredges up all kinds of anxieties: “Are they gonna be payin attention? Are they gonna be into it? Am I gonna say the right things to keep them hyped?!” She seems to have having trouble with the microphone, which she says sounds distorted.

If there’s some kind of intro, we miss it. Kandi and Victor and the dancers have a prayer circle and ask God to help them remember their steps and have a good time. Then they climb onto the ridiculously teeny stage and Kandi tells all the good-lookin people in da house to put their hands up and starts “I’ll Fly Above”. She interviews that the sound was messed up and the size of the stage was a big problem, but says she managed to fly above (if you will) these concerns and deliver a show she could be proud of. We see AJ, Joyce, Lisa & Ed in the crowd, but no Kim.

“Has anyone seen a diamond ring with porno hair and enormous tits?”

Lisa interviews that “Kandi’s performance was hot” and “I loved her songs!” Kandi interviews that she thought it went “really, really well” and we see her getting plenty of hugs and accolades from people like Marvin and super-obese super-producer Jazzy Pha, along with many friends and fans, including Lisa. Lisa says she couldn’t handle the dual-birthday-party-with-Kim thing, but she’s thrilled to have seen Kandi perform tonight. Kandi asks where Kim is and Lisa says she didn’t show up. Lisa interviews that Kim obviously used Kandi to get a hot record and that Lisa hopes Kim isn’t going to toss Kandi aside they way Kim did with NeNe.

Kandi is hurt, and like everything else about her, it seems very genuine. She interviews that “I’m really disappointed Kim didn’t show up. She KNEW it was one of the most important nights that I’ve had in a long time.” Kandi says if Kim did a show, Kandi would be there in the front row cheering her on. There’s absolutely no chance of that happening, since that would require TALENT. And it’s hard to lip-synch when you’re sloshed on wine. Believe me, I know.

C U Next Thursday, Gasmii!