Real Housewives of Atlanta: Baby Momma & Daddy Drama: Which One of You Bitches Is My Father???

Hola Gasmii– Only one more episode until the Season Finale. I know you have tragic tykes in runaway balloons to worry about, so let’s skip the chit-chat this week and plunge right in.

Fab Restaurant. Kim & Sheree meet at the site of this season’s infamous weave-snatching incident. Apparently they’ve been trying to get together for just the longest time, but Sheree is super-busy with her upcoming She by Sheree show. In case you blinked, the two ex-briefly-BFF’s are all chummy again after bonding over NeNe’s “directorial” divadom at the alter ego photo shoot. Kim notices how classy Sheree looks swirling and sniffing her chardonnay, then interviews that they specifically chose Fab to plan Kandi‘s surprise engagement party.

“It has a delicate fruity bukkake…”

They congratulate themselves on helping out during such a busy, stressful time in Kandi’s life. Our fave Housewife has dealt with her fiance AJ‘s family members in a serious car accident, her mother Joyce‘s continued nastiness about AJ, producing the hit single “Tardy to the Party”, and launching her own solo career with a new album, promo performances and a hot deal with Capitol Records. Not to mention putting up with Kim’s histrionic, selfish shit six days a week. Kim & Sheree think Kandi would never guess they’d be collaborating on anything, and laughingly reminisce about the catfight that took place at Fab a short while back. FLASHCUTS remind us of the delicious ugliness. (Kim: You have no class! Get your fuckin hands offa me, bitch!)

They agree they’re both over it, then Kim mentions how unsupportive Joyce has been about the engagement. The three of them will be going to counseling together. Sheree says she and her ex Bob Whitfield “tried” counseling on two separate occasions. Because she’s such a paragon of mental health. A Fab manager takes them upstairs to show them the terrace. Kim thinks it’s “cute” and immediately asks if she can smoke. Kim interviews that she hopes she and Sheree can “put all differences aside” to have “a great party for Kandi”. Kim says she and her “fiance” Pig Boppa will take Kandi & AJ out for a drink while Sheree gets everyone ready to surprise them. Kim asks if they should invite Lisa & NeNe and Sheree says yes. Kim says Lisa & Kandi like each other. Sheree says she knows Kandi & NeNe have had “some problems”, and Kim says it’ll be up to NeNe to attend or not. My guess– NeNe will be a NoSho. Sheree interviews that she hopes Joyce can get along with AJ for the duration of the party.

NeNe’s SUV. NeNe and her fave Uncle Mel set out for a meeting with NeNe’s ghost memoir writer Denene. NeNe interviews that she has “some regrets” about taking the paternity test that proved Curtis, the man NeNe grew up thinking was her father, wasn’t. Since then, she’s learned a guy named Alan could very well be her dad. FLASHBACK to the gut-wrenching phone conversation NeNe had with Curtis last season. Curtis admitted he’d had doubts about her paternity before NeNe was even born.

Maybe Kim is from Athens, too.

They drive through the countryside toward NeNe’s hometown of Athens, GA (birthplace of The B-52′s and REM). NeNe says “there was something about these country roads and all these damn trees” that always made her want to move to the city. Uncle Mel says he felt the same way growing up. NeNe interviews that Athens was too small for her, she’s glad she left and she’d never want to live there again. We see shots of modest houses and several trailers, and none of the highly regarded University of Georgia campus or any hipster college areas. NeNe tells Mel she wants Denene to see the house NeNe’s mother bought in order to be close to her kids. NeNe interviews that her mom “did not raise me– she was living in New York and in Athens and she would travel back and forth and she would see me when she could.” NeNe’s aunt offered to “keep” NeNe and raise her until NeNe’s mother could get on her feet. Then when NeNe’s mom said she was ready, NeNe’s aunt didn’t want to relinquish NeNe, so NeNe stayed put.

NeNe points out a large, rather upscale brick house as the one her mother eventually bought. NeNe doesn’t have the key, but she pulls up in the driveway, where Denene is waiting in her car. They walk up to the front porch, and NeNe tells her they were the first black family to move into this neighborhood. NeNe says at the time, they saw the place as “a mansion”, and since NeNe’s mom’s death, it’s stayed in the family, unsold and unchanged. Denene asks what it was like for NeNe there as a kid, and she tells her she only stayed there when her mom was in town with her second husband. Back then, everyone wanted to visit the fancy pad and check out such luxuries as the cuckoo clock. NeNe’s mother passed away 19 years ago, when her son Bricen was just two months old.

NeNe interviews that she’s unsure if she’d have a relationship with her mom today, had she lived. NeNe thinks she’d be very angry about the fact that her mom kept the secret of her paternity all that time. “I’ve often wished that she was living so that she could endure all of this,” NeNe tells us darkly. Now NeNe wants to take them to her aunt’s house.

…and the perfect location for the NeNe Leakes Fabulous Battered Divas Shelter! Hello, spin-off!!!

Sheree’s house. Ex-model pal Tania drops by. Sheree is excited to have received a samples box from New York. She interviews that they’re four days out from the fashion show. Sheree opens the box and pulls out garments. Her recent trip to NYC must have scared the shit out of her tiny Asian seamstress Casey (“Uh-oh!”), since Sheree seems very pleased with everything. Sheree models a sleek purple number for Tania, who has the appropriate responses of “Hot!” and “You look so tiny!” Sheree informs us via interview that she had all the samples designed to fit her, since she’s “the perfect model– size 6 on the bottom and 4 on the top”. Big deal… my wrists are a size zero. She comes out in a second outfit, a high-waisted black skirt and a see-thru purple blouse, then calls Dwight, her fashion guru/gay nemesis.

First, she fills Tania in– Dwight is “helping me with production of the show.” Tania doesn’t know who she’s talking about, so Sheree clarifies– it’s NeNe’s friend. “The hairstylist?” Tania asks dubiously. “He says he does shows!” Sheree insists defensively, then admits she’s never seen one of them. A shit-stirrer to no small degree, Tania is blunt: “You got a few days left and you gone leave yo show into somebody’s hands that you have never seen put on a show! Have you seen his work?!” No, Sheree repeats. So call him, Tania says.

Dwight picks up, but claims they have a bad connection and that he can’t really hear what she’s saying. Sheree asks if they’re going by the W Perimeter Hotel with “the lighting guy”, and Dwight obtusely replies that he needs “some confirmation”. Sheree hangs up, as Tania nods, unimpressed. “Does he do hair?” she asks, needling Sheree. Sheree says she doesn’t even know if he still does. Tania wants to know how Sheree knows he does great work, and Sheree insists she’s definitely heard good things about “some of the shows he’s put on”. Tania’s basically a bitch, but she does have a point: Why and how, exactly, would an Atlanta hairdresser put on fashion shows anyway? I can see Dwight hiring a bunch of male hustlers to model underwear for him, but I don’t know about the rest. Sheree says she trusts Dwight to “deliver”. I am sensing a major clusterfuck, Gasmii!

And the big bow thing will make it really convenient to wring her neck.

Therapy office. Kandi, AJ and Joyce are shown in to see Dr Bliss (LOL) for pre-marital counseling. Kandi interviews that this was AJ’s idea, and that her relationship with him “has brought so much stress” to Joyce, and Kandi can’t understand why. Kandi begins by explaining the basics to the doc– she and AJ are engaged and Joyce doesn’t approve. Kandi alternates discussing things with her other therapist, the interview camera, and tells us she hates having that underlying conflict always there, spoiling her otherwise good relationship with Joyce. AJ says he wants Joyce’s approval. Joyce, all calm and sad and reasonable, says AJ has six kids and she doesn’t think he’ll be able to provide for Kandi & daughter Riley like a husband should. Joyce waxes metaphoric, comparing AJ to an oncoming truck Joyce is desperately trying to shove Kandi out of the path of. AJ makes a face.

Joyce, whose arguments are starting to grow on me, God help us, says that AJ is beholden to four different “baby-mama” and if he ever becomes unable to take care of his kids, the responsibility will fall on Kandi and her biggish bank account. AJ testily says his money is separate from Kandi’s and that he has no trouble meeting his obligations. Kandi breaks it down in interview– her mom is afraid AJ will take her money and spend it on his many, many kids. Joyce has told Kandi she wants her to get a pre-nup, but Kandi says “I don’t have that same worry.” Hold up… WTF?! Oh, sweetie. I totally get Joyce now and absolutely humbly apologize for referring to her as Sourpuss.

First off, I’m shocked that someone as seemingly sensible and shrewd as Kandi wouldn’t want to protect herself in case things go south. Like they have with AJ’s four other chicks. And if AJ is really such a great guy, he should fucking insist on signing a pre-nup to put Joyce’s mind at ease whether Kandi feels it’s necessary or not. I know too many successful women in L.A. who got a royal reaming from their exes in divorce court, a lot of it extending back to assets made way before they ever hooked up with the scumbags. I am so relieved Kandi never married this guy– she COULD have ended up responsible for half his debts after he got killed! Jesus.

“Look, Doctor… This muthafucka so fertile, he coulda already gotten YOU pregnant from across this desk!”

Instead of getting the nearest lawyer to rush over with a briefcase full of contracts for Kandi to sign, Dr Bliss wants to implement a technique called “word assessment” to get to the root of the family dysfunction. Kandi starts by saying “delicious”. AJ says “time”. Which I’m sure makes Joyce imagine him on top of her little girl, causing Joyce to say “child support”. That’s two words, Dr Bliss says. Actually, it’s one compound word and a perfectly legitimate answer. Dr Bliss aborts the game and says she senses a lot of anger here. No shit, honey. Maybe I should give up recap artistry to become a therapist. Kandi, feel free to call me for a freebie.

Joyce says she’s lost 15 pounds since Kandi hooked up with AJ. Dr Bliss can see how much Joyce cares, but advises her to let go and trust Kandi, depending on how well Joyce raised Kandi. That’s fine, but without a pre-nup, I’d be feeling pretty queasy, too.

Kim’s townhouse. Kim yells at goofy, good-for-nothing 12-year-old daughter Brielle to answer the door. It’s celebrity wig stylist Derek J in his usual work uniform: skintight white jeans, a Wilma Flintstone animal-print top, and five-inch heels. Kim comes out of the bathroom in an elaborate velvet-and-lace bathrobe and they exchange “What the hell you got on?!”‘s. Kim explains that she’s prepping for tonight’s engagement party. She tells him NeNe isn’t coming but Lisa “probably” is. Derek wants to give Kim “a new look”, which will involve switching her hair-piece. Kim is frightened, but intrigued, especially when he tells her the piece in question is from Kim’s new wig line.

“For some reason, all my wigs smell like Marlboro Lights and Turkish money shots…”

“This is fuckin amazing!” Kim coos at the honey blond “pound of hair” he whips out, giving him a hug. The camera discreetly remains low and to the side, denying us a glimpse of bald Kim before Derek slaps the new one on her head. “I love it!” she squeals. As Derek starts to tame the mop into the porn queen style Kim craves, he discusses the business aspects– this wig alone is “about $800 worth of hair”, he says. “This is a good-lookin sumbitch,” Kim cracks. Maybe she should just keep this for herself. Derek wants to know how long Kim wears one wig. She admits she goes through one a day. You read it here… Kim has a $12K a month wig habit. “That’s a little excessive,” Derek thinks.

Like any addict, it drives Kim nuts to not have a ready supply available. Sometimes the hairpieces are on “back order”, which is what prompted her to want to start the line. It’s like Kelly Osbourne dreaming of opening her own pharmacy. Derek thinks the reasonable thing to do would be to get a wig she likes and wear it for two weeks. “Do what?!” Kim squawks. “All the smoke and soot and shit in the air?… Hell, NO!” Puffing on a cig, Kim asks him “how long does NeNe keep that shit on her head, cuz that looks a fuckin mess! That shit been on that head for six months.” Derek is shocked when Kim tells him her usual wigs cost around $430 each. But she likes this new wig so much, she might wear it for two or three days. But the thought skeeves her out. She mentions all the lint and feathers (from her pillows) she finds in her wigs, not to mention the dried clumps of Pig Boppa DNA. She says she usually bangs her sugar daddy with a wig on, but “sometimes I want him to think he’s with a different woman, so I take my hair off.” She admires Derek’s work: “I am so floored at how good-lookin I am right now.” Derek: Bitch, you done. Kim: God, I look so good– dammit!!!

Fab. Sheree and her Gay (hairstylist Lawrence) arrive, along with Dwight. Joyce is there, staring at the big photo of Kandi & AJ on display. Lisa & sexy Ed arrive. She’s in a festive purple party dress and he’s looking massive and edible all in black. Sheree introduces herself to Joyce, who immediately endears herself by saying “You have a clothing line!” Sheree starts holding court, reminding everyone what they’re there to celebrate. This party is taking the place of the one that had to be canceled after the car accident. Lisa interviews that she thinks it’s “very special and very thoughtful” of Sheree & Kim to throw this. Lisa asks if everyone thinks Kandi will be surprised. “I’m surprised,” Dwight drawls. “How long have they known each other?”

“Y’all are so cute! I fuckin hate pre-nups, too!”

“I’ve never seen so many children in my life,” Joyce clucks, presumably referring to AJ’s illegitimate brood, not present company. Dwight asks how old AJ is, and when Joyce tells him 34, Dwight says “Oooh! He’s been busy!” Lisa admonishes Dwight for riling Joyce up and says he can’t be doing that tonight. Dwight says if it’s how Joyce feels, she has a right to express herself. Ed tries to neutralize things by asking if AJ’s a good dad, and Joyce says she likes AJ “as a person” but “overall” doesn’t see him as a match for Kandi. And not just because of the kids– “it’s a mother’s intuition,” Joyce says. Well things are off to a great start. Even Sheree emerges from her self-involved bubble to acknowledge the awkwardness.

In the nick of time, Kim makes an appearance in a slinky leopard dress, tits jacked up to there, her new wig bouncin’ and behavin’ under the twinkle lights. “Mama!” she yells at Joyce, before revealing that Kandi & AJ are on their way up. Wait a minute– this is a party? Like hell it is, especially when you compare it to the over-the-top bashes Kim and Sheree threw themselves this season (Kim’s b-day, Sheree’s divorce). This looks more like dinner reservations for ten people. Kandi and AJ appear and everyone screams surprise. Kandi is visibly touched.

“NeNe’s not here, so we all got along. It’s amazing,” Kim cracks via interview. “…If NeNe’s in the mix, it’s chaos and drama… if that moose [LOL!] walked in this building, you can just forget it. All hell would break loose. It’s just her negative energy.” Kandi interviews that she thinks what Kim & Sheree did was “beautiful”, especially getting Joyce to come. But Kandi hopes her mom won’t do anything to make AJ uncomfortable. Keep hoping, honey. Your sunny attitude is part of why we heart you so much!

“Feel me, dawg… You mess with Kandi, and I rip off your arm and shove it up y’ass, ai’ight?”

The “party” gets off to a smooth start. Hugs are shared, Lawrence queens it up to the amusement of Kandi’s aunt, and Ed congratulates AJ, and says AJ can call Ed anytime if he has any questions about being married. Kim fishes for wigliments from Joyce, who also says she loves Kim’s new song. Kim says they’ll burn Joyce a CD. “I jam it! It’s in all my cars,” Kim reveals, to no one’s shock. Joyce thinks Kim should do a whole album. Stick to gold-digger patrol, lady! AJ discusses taking a couples’ trip with Lisa & Ed. Lisa’s thinking St Tropez or the Atlantis resort. Isn’t this hideous movie already in theatres?! But a horror version with AJ and a psychotic baby-mama, plus original songs by Kandi and plenty of nude scenes for Ed? I’m there.

Things come to a screeching halt when AJ asks Joyce to make a toast. “From then on, it got very uncomfortable,” Kim interviews. Joyce, who’s killed at least one margarita, points to Kim and says “You go first.” “You know they talk shit about my man like they do you,” Kim tells AJ, trying to lighten things up. “At the end of the day, love will conquer all,” Kim declares. The editors insert an excruciating beat of everyone standing there with their glasses, silent. Sheree takes a turn, reminding them all she’s divorced but still thinks “the union of marriage is a beautiful thing” and Sheree wishes them “all the best”.

“Come on, Mama, say something,” Kim pushes. As Kandi listens with a tense smile, Joyce tries. “Uh, uh.. I just hope that, uh, everything works out– I just, you know, work out for Kandi, and we’ll just wait and just… wait and see.” Cheers.

NeNe’s SUV. NeNe continues the tour, pointing out her aunt’s property and parking by the house. NeNe interviews that her Aunt Nell didn’t HELP raise her, she raised her. Nell looks and sounds like a black Charlotte Rae and welcomes her guests in a hilarious Minnie Riperton voice. She tells Denene NeNe came to her at age 3, then proceeds to show off various mortifying old photos depicting NeNe in a variety of unfortunate looks, from baby cheerleader to Janet-Jackson-as-Penny-on-Good-Times and teen pageantry. Denene asks Nell if NeNe always had a “big personality”. Nell says yes: “She was like a far-out person.” Uncle Mel concurs. “She was outgoing,” Nell warbles, “she could make anybody laugh, and then in the 8th grade she wanted to take up modeling.” Me, too, honey. Although unlike NeNe, there isn’t a photo of me in existence wearing what looks like a giant toilet-tissue cozy.

“And remember how your roller-skating used to bug Blair and Natalie?”

NeNe identifies this as “The Sweetheart Pageant”, says it was special because her mom flew down from NYC to see her in it, then shudders at her own dweeby early 80′s-ness. Another photo shows NeNe and Gregg (Mr NeNe) around the time they got married. NeNe interviews that “looking at the old family photos really made me miss Curtis. He gave me away at my wedding, he gave me my first white bomber jacket– I was the baddest chick in high school with it on. Although he’s not my biological father, the DNA test thing doesn’t matter. He’s my dad.” They hug Mrs Garrett-Morris goodbye and head out for more adventures.

Throwaway Minute du Jour: Lisa & Ed’s tract mansion. It’s time for portrait painting Chez Hartwell. Unfortunately Ed isn’t dropping trou. Lisa is posing for an oil painting by Ed. He does better than I could have, but sportscasting is still probably the way to go.

Sheree’s house. Dwight arrives for a She-view wearing ridiculous huge sunglasses that make him look like The Fly. “Hopefully the workmanship is correct and we’re ready for show,” he haughtily interviews. “She’s about a year behind schedule.” Sheree eagerly presents her samples to him and he nitpicks with delicious, slightly bored disdain. “I could have gone a little more flare at the bottom,” he pronounces about a pair of pants. “I don’t want that bell,” Sheree snaps back. “It is obvious she need major help, not just from me, but from a whole lotta other people,” Dwight tells us gravely. “Sheree should have had a lot of these things done way before now. The next three days I wanna be sleeping. I’m gonna have to get some Preparation H to put under these eyes, because the bags are gonna be down to my chin.” Gotta love Dwight– he foists himself on Sheree, then does nothing but complain about how much work he has to do. Sharon Tate said it best in Valley of the Dolls: You know how bitchy fags can be!

“Oooooh, chile! Lawd have mercy, bitch. Oh, HAY-ell no. Do not even go there, Miss Thang.”

Tomorrow he wants a fitting session with a model. “Bring a size 4,” Sheree tells him, then interviews that compared to last year, she’s miles ahead of herself and is going to have a “hot show”. Dwight leaves, then interviews that “there’s a lot of work to be done. She has NO CLUE.”

NeNe’s SUV. To NeNe’s supposed shock, Uncle Mel gets a phone call from Alan as they’re driving away from Aunt Nell’s. NeNe explains to us that she never knew of Alan “until I received a letter from a family member of mines, and the letter stated that Alan Pope says that he’s your father.” FLASHBACK to NeNe sharing the letter with Gregg. NeNe interviews that Alan told Uncle Mel he wants to meet with them, but he doesn’t have a lot of time and doesn’t want them to come into his house, but “he’ll stand outside to meet me. All of a sudden it was sprung on me BAM, I’m gonna meet you in ten minutes. I just froze. I could not say a word. Are we really about to do this? Are we really gonna meet him? He could be my dad.”

NeNe keeps driving, “freaked out”, with the plan to drop Uncle Mel off and have him walk up first to meet Alan. Denene’s in the back seat, surely hoping for drama and fireworks. “There he is right there,” Mel says, as they drive past a man outside on a quiet street. “He looks a mess,” NeNe opines to Denene as Mel gets out of the truck. “My uncle gets back to the car and says Alan is willing to meet you. And I started having a breakdown,” NeNe interviews. NeNe tells Mel that Gregg advised her NOT to meet Alan. Mel says it’s up to NeNe, “he’s your alleged father.”

SEE ABOVE

NeNe stares at Alan in her side mirror for a moment, then gets out. Flanked by Mel and Denene, she heads down the street, holding their hands. Mel sweetly tells her she can always count on her uncle to take care of her. They turn the corner and there he is, sitting on a wall in a track suit and white cap. “Damn, he looks like my son Bricen,” NeNe tells us. Mel introduces them and Alan says he can’t stand because “my legs are hurtin.” “I think that I became calm all of a sudden because I saw that he was nervous,” NeNe narrates. “He was so nervous that when he talked, I saw his lip quiver.”

The awkwardness makes Joyce’s engagement toast look like honeymoon oral, as everyone stands (or in Alan’s case, sits) waiting for something life-changing to happen. Finally Alan asks “What are you doing, NeNe?” NeNe hesitates, probably wondering if he expects her to fill him in on her busy social calendar. But that’s not what he’s asking. What he’s really asking is: What the hell are you doing showing up to this meeting with a ghost writer and Bravo TV crew in tow?! Alan: Do me a favor, NeNe. Let me answer the questions sometime when you and I are alone. Without Bird. Uncle Mel aka Bird: Why not? Alan: He’s a friend of mine. Translation: Alan doesn’t want to tell Mel the story of how he seduced NeNe’s mother away from Mel’s brother Curtis. And he certainly doesn’t want to do it in between ads for Million Dollar Listing! On a side note: OMFG, Gasmii! Have you seen this reality show about three boy-wonder realtors in various phases of homosexuality running rampant through Beverly Hills and Malibu?!? It is amazing. Chad looks like a human rectal swab!

“You know who I’d really like to meet? Kim.”

NeNe tells Alan she wants an in-person meeting with him and will call to work out another trip to Athens. NeNe narrates “I heard the things he was saying, but I was trying to look at him.” She says she was mentally comparing his facial features to her own. Alan shakes her hand, says she’s a gorgeous lady who’s gonna make some man happy (NeNe says she already has), and tells her she looks just like her mother. NeNe walks away thinking she’s found her father.

Next week is the season finale and NeNe argues with Gregg, mixes it up with Kandi, and apparently tries to throttle Kim. Good times!